For me it was the total lack of funny.

I’d go for the cricket bat myself, Smut, if only because as a skip I’m more familiar with our national game. The downside of a golf iron is that, while it will sweep through your zombie’s midsection in a swift and pleasing manner, it will probably get stuck in the ribs, allowing said zombie’s cohorts to shamble up and eat your brain. Even if they don’t, you’ll have trouble extricating your weapon from the midsection, and will probably only succeed in spraying decomposing zombie all over the place.

Whereas with a cricket bat, you get to whack the head, with a satisfying ‘thunk’ of wood on skull, a great distance, possibly hitting it for a six. An added bonus is that you can then use the body in your trebuchet, neatly knocking down the massed ranks of shamblers and allowing for the classic moment of humour as they try to get up again while arguing over ‘who’s got my leg’.

b-r-a-i-n-s-s-s

Sorry, what was I saying?

Re: looting while there is a killer on the rampage. Actually, a very sensible suggestion. Among hundreds if not thousands of shoppers usually only a small fraction gets massacred. Grabbing apparel is probably a bad idea though, as the size can be wrong. Run to Sears and get a refrigarator or a 60 inch TV — then you simply cannot go wrong. For that matter, Sears may have the only hardware department in the entire mall, and there I would suggest getting yourself a nail gun.

Re: the largest mall seen by Confederate Yankee was a 7 store affair in ….
Ah, the big-suburb sophistication that one can get in mega-malls! I could never aspire to that level. Seriously, the worst experience during some driving vacations was visiting a mega-mall in Paramus. I have no problems navigating inside and around Newark Airport. I even managed to drive out of Jersey City. But the mall in Paramus (one of twin pair of malls!! are there any sane people in NJ north of Rt. 80?) is a monstrocity where you get lost in the parking lots, each stores is several times larger than it has to be, distances inside are enormous, and driving out is nearly as confusing as driving out of Jersey City.

We discussed another wingnut commentary that made much more sense. FOLKS, SHOPPERS IN MALLS ARE STUPID SHEEP!!! You see, a mall is all too ofen a gun free zone. So you do not have an ample contingent of armed and dangerous citizens who would make a short work of a wannabe mass killer.

So, if you absolutely must buy some nonsensical useless stuff, shop downtown. Even if there was a particularly deranged wannabe mass killer who forgot about numerous citizens with concealed weapons just waiting for a good cause, in the fleeting moment before they guy (sometimes, a gal) gets gunned down you have more options. Backdoors, basements, on the street, you can hide under a car (do not forget to meow) etc. Stores rarely extend to the second floor, and if they do, you can jump through a window, would the creep be walking up.

A more sensible course of action is to buy yourself and your loved ones something which is actually useful. Joe’s Gun Emporium not only has a nice selection of guns and ammo, but also very good departments for fishing, and archery and some camping stuff too. Why, there are even excellant toys! I recall that they had to introduce a ban on duck calls. Or buy your 3-year old daugher a hunter’s camouflage.

Doesn’t solve the problem of what to get the monkey that has everything though…

That happens a lot whenever I watch zombie movies, so I’d be careful about it.

“I can give you good advice about how to get out of the line of fire and out of the mall through less-used exits that you probably would have never thought of on your own, but you’re free to distill that advice down into absurd, meaningless elements that you will then ignore.”

Because really, “exit the building in a direct and rapid manner” isn’t really one of those brilliant, I-Would-Never-Think-Of-That things. Using the less obvious exits is probably a good idea (I usually have an “exit plan” when I go somewhere, just out of habit really; of course what makes the less-used exits valuable is that they’re less-used). People don’t do that because they panic or they don’t even know that something’s very wrong in the first place. And telling people not to panic is like telling them to be stronger, or healthier, or smarter, in that on its own it’s utterly useless.

You have to stop and sharpen the machete or else it gets caught in the flesh. Trust me, I’ve done butchering. If you’re under siege, you have a limited effective range, which means you have to think. That’s not something I’d care to do in a zombie storm.

I like the crowbar idea…it has heft, but not bulk and you can stick it in your sleeve when you’re not using it. I had thoughts of The Club at one point…you know, it comes apart so you have a main gauche to drive zombies back as well as a short club, but then the serrations on the stabber made me think twice about it.

Yeah, who knows. I figure he’s probably talking about shotguns, but that sort of invalidates his “travels horizontally” argument, since shot spreads in a cone.

I’m not sure I agree with your Louisville slugger. Granted, there’s something to be said for sticking with a familiar tool. But both wood and aluminum are too breakable for my taste. I’d hit the hardware store and pick out a crowbar (though unlike Gordon Freeman I’d hold it with the bent end towards me; striking with it is more effective but just begs for it to get grabbed or stuck in a bit of bone at an inconvenient moment). If we’re dealing with an infestation of fast zombies, I’d get a machete from the garden department. Sure, it’s crap for busting skulls. But severed muscles can’t run or grab, so my panicked flailing at the hissing twitching bastards will actually have some effect.

Actually, machete might be the way to go regardless. I’m not confident in my ability to consistently destroy skulls with anything short of a halberd– they’re tough nuts mounted on sproingy shock absorbers. Also, hitting their head with bat or bar puts me in grab-range, and an imperfect hit won’t even slow them down. A nice light machete can take out fingers, jaws, and tendons all day long.

And the correct answer was staring me in the face all this time.

Damn.

Notice that, against type, Meester Yanqui encourages his readers to RUN AWAY, not to pull out their popguns and shoot that there evildoer dead. I rest my case.

That only works if you’re in a Tesco’s in near London, or the Winchester.

Here in America, it’s Louisville Slugger. My choice would be the Reggie Jackson 44 oz model, but I’ve got a bit of experience in swinging one of those, so wouldn’t recommend it for your amateur, unless he or she took proper training in the use and storage of the Jackson.

Now, for the ladies, a good aluminum softball bat…maybe a Lisa Fernandez special, with the orange metal casing…should suffice, but she should be particularly careful with her aim.

Your amateur male could probably get away with a Jose Reyes model, but be careful to utilize the backswing as well as the two-handed front swing.

The fact is, liberals will be outgunned because of their refusal to aknowldge their consitutional rights, which, as far as i am concerned, is fine if they are so suicidal as to be killed by patriots well betraying their country, of their own accord, they would deserve it.

I agree with Gary, surprisingly. Right wing patriots DO betray this country…

Um….pellets? ROFLMAO!

“Today, a disgruntled teen fired off an automatic pellet gun. Six people died from asphyxiation from laughing at the incompetent boob, while two people claimed to have their eyes nearly taken out.

The weapon, a modified Red Ryder BB gun (c. 1940), was confiscated as the octogenarian rent-a-cop shambled over and took the suspect, known only as “Ralphie” out with his Glock 9 with armor piercing bullets.”