8
In which I crank up the romance with public-relations-speak
Hey all, I’m conducting a little experiment. I’m trying to see if the same language that PR flacks use to promote their companies’ crappy products will be just as effective at getting dates. Something tells me it won’t, but Mama Bradrocket always told me to not knock it if ya haven’t tried it. So here’s my romantic PR pitch whereby I invite someone over for homemade dinner. Let me know what y’all think:
Brad, a leading provider of date-related services in the Boston area, is now adding a homemade dinner solution to his acclaimed dating services portfolio. This new service, which will be made available to female customers in the Boston area beginning immediately, demonstrates Brad’s commitment to providing customers with the broadest range of date choices and the highest caliber of intimate dining options among all dating service providers in the area.
This new homemade dinner solution, called HomeDinXP, offers customers three options to fulfill their hunger requirements. The Italian Option consists of an eggplant parmesan concoction served with tortellini and a bottle of Scagliola Busiord Dolcetto; the Asian Option, which offers chicken yellow curry served with white rice and Nga Waka Chardonnay; and a Discount Option, which offers a Twinkee and a Bud Light.
“With this new dinner solution, Brad has moved to the forefront of the romantic culinary solutions market,” said Brad, the chairman and CEO of Brad. “This new offer appeals to a wide array of customers, from those who prefer the more traditional tastes of Italian home cooking to those craving the more exotic flavors of the Far East.”
In addition to its hunger-satiating capabilities, the HomeDinXP solution also provides a newfound convenience for those customers interested in upgrading their services from a dating solutions package to a sexual solutions package. While most of Brad’s dating solutions require at least a ten-minute drive from his award-winning Intimate Customer Relations Center, the HomeDinXP kitchen is located a mere 10 feet from the center, which was recently upgraded to include king-sized bed, lava lamp-enhanced mood lighting and a surround-sound stereo.
The HomeDinXP is just one of many dating services that Brad offers to female customers in the Boston area. Others include the movie option, in which comes complete with prepaid ticket, popcorn and an optional large beverage; the traditional dinner option that includes a prepaid meal at a destination of the customer’s choice; and the alcohol-enhanced karaoke option, where customers have the option of experiencing Brad serenading them with stirring renditions of his favorite Prince songs.
Admit it, ladies… that shit wuz smolderin’!!!
Gavin adds: I like the Italian option. What’s in the fine print?
Bradrocket adds: I love you guys:
The only problem is you used the term “hunger solutions” when it should be “food insecurity solutions.” May as well change “sexual solutions” to “Temporary Schlong Caching Activities,” while you’re at it.
Awesome. And here’s some afternoon Coltrane as a reward for being teh funny:
Notorious P.A.T. said,
December 8, 2007 at 19:45
I’m sorry Brad, but my eyes glazed over at the first usage of the word “solution”. On the other hand, it can’t work any worse that what I do.
The Hon. Dr. St. Rev. Bradley S. Rocket, Esq, PhD, MD said,
December 8, 2007 at 19:48
I’m sorry Brad, but my eyes glazed over at the first usage of the word “solution”
LOL so I guess I won’t be seeing you tonight? ;-)
Simba B said,
December 8, 2007 at 19:52
sexual solutions? Um, right. I think it’s written into the federal code somewhere that anyone who calls them “sexual solutions” is forbidden from getting said solutions. :P
t4toby said,
December 8, 2007 at 19:55
Well, it is something.
I think you nailed the tone.
As for the effectiveness, that remains to be seen.
But shouldn’t you have mentioned the Sox?
The Hon. Dr. St. Rev. Bradley S. Rocket, Esq, PhD, MD said,
December 8, 2007 at 19:56
Um, right. I think it’s written into the federal code somewhere that anyone who calls them “sexual solutions” is forbidden from getting said solutions
Ah c’mon! That’s totally the most romantic shit evar. Admit that PR-speak iz ttly hottttt. ADMIT IT!!!111!!!! ;-)
MzNicky said,
December 8, 2007 at 19:57
Dear Brad: You had me at “lava lamp-enhanced mood lighting and a surround-sound stereo.” Before and after that, not so much.
g said,
December 8, 2007 at 19:58
cut “concoctions” from the part about eggplant parmesan. Other than that, you’re gold.
How’s it working out for you so far?
The Hon. Dr. St. Rev. Bradley S. Rocket, Esq, PhD, MD said,
December 8, 2007 at 20:00
g- it’s fantastic. It works great on attracting soulless people who aren’t interested in talking like real human beings. Who could ask for more?
Paddy said,
December 8, 2007 at 20:09
I am verily verklempt AND tingley!!!!
Diane Demorney said,
December 8, 2007 at 20:19
You had me at “Brad”….
So, I’m easy. :::shrug:::
jon said,
December 8, 2007 at 20:21
First of all, isn’t this offer for “select” female customers only? You have to butter them up, shlub, or you’ll be back to selling your services to Mr. Lefty or Mr. Righty. And then, I must ask, where’s the agreements? You know: the confidentiality agreement, the cancellation policy, and the agreement that those entering a bizmantic (I’ll trademark that if you won’t) relationship with you must agree to use your chosen arbitrator. I hear all the big, successful parties have those.
Robert M. said,
December 8, 2007 at 20:23
Brad’s flagship product comes flex-fuel ready, able to run on diluted ethanol as easily as water (users may observe minor operational differences).
g said,
December 8, 2007 at 20:24
How many customers opt for the Twinkie and beer version?
dave said,
December 8, 2007 at 20:34
Oh baby, Smoove B would be proud.
commie atheist said,
December 8, 2007 at 20:38
Scagliola Busiord Dolcetto
I’d hit it.
http://www.enthusiasticspirits.com/184688
commie atheist said,
December 8, 2007 at 20:40
Busiord is Piemontese dialect for Liar. The name was given to the wine after one of the clients called the producers liars after he tasted the wines and found out that the wine was dry rather than sweet . Dolcetto is sweet in Italian. The label features an artistic impression of pinocchio to reflect the same theme.
Somewhat apropos, non?
mextremist said,
December 8, 2007 at 20:46
Here are what some happy customers think of Brad™:
Eileen Dover, South Boston: It was great. We started out with the Italian option, and quickly negotiated the sexual solutions package. I though the lava lamp was very romantic and shit. I will definetly keep Brad™ as an option in the future.
Rashy McScabby: The exotic option was simply amazing, and Brad™ didn’t even mention my missing teeth. I urge people everywhere to use Brad™.
With over 4 satisfied customers, it’s safe to know that you can count on Brad™! No credit, bad credit, oozing ulcers, missing teeth? Absolutely no one is turned down! Apply for Brad™ today!
JGabriel said,
December 8, 2007 at 20:47
Can the Twinkie ™ be replaced with peanuts or nacho chips?
Cause, I’d go for that.
Oh, wait, I’m male. Never mind.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
December 8, 2007 at 20:47
HomeDinXP PROFESSIONAL™
That’ll make all the difference, Bradley. You can thank me laterz. ;)
Ripley said,
December 8, 2007 at 20:52
I’d suggest posting a copy of your Mission Statement near the bed. And make sure you mention “Commitment to Quality” or some such thing… Satisfaction is Job #1, maybe?
Oh, and don’t forget to explain the Extended Warranty Program - it’s a major profit enhancement.
g said,
December 8, 2007 at 20:56
Just don’t try to get me to buy the undercoating.
t4toby said,
December 8, 2007 at 20:57
Did you just call us “soulless people who aren’t interested in talking like real human beings”?
I resemble that!
George Johnston said,
December 8, 2007 at 20:57
I’m sold! I was wondering what to get K. Lo for Christmas.
Arky - Cthulhusexual said,
December 8, 2007 at 20:58
LOLzers.
The only problem is you used the term “hunger solutions” when it should be “food insecurity solutions.” May as well change “sexual solutions” to “Temporary Schlong Caching Activities,” while you’re at it.
cleter said,
December 8, 2007 at 21:01
That prospectus would be more persuasive if it was a Power Point.
J— said,
December 8, 2007 at 21:02
Jacqueline Mackie Paisley Passey will be impressed by your pitch.
mikey said,
December 8, 2007 at 21:04
…and a Discount Option, which offers a Twinkee and a Bud Light with a dash of GHB.
Fixed!
mikey
fardels bear said,
December 8, 2007 at 21:04
Oh, Brad! Let me come over and give all of my hot, monkey love!
Capt. Trollypants said,
December 8, 2007 at 21:05
B-
Haters hate, it’s what we do. The pitch makes it sound like you have a gigantic USB port.
Some Guy said,
December 8, 2007 at 21:07
Well, I don’t know what the ladies may be be thinking, but I’m certainly falling for you, my little Red Sock.
Speaking of, there totally needs to be a “Yankees Detrimental Synergy Paradigm Seminar” option that can be allocated to the dating session of the customer’s own choosing.
a different brad said,
December 8, 2007 at 21:08
Dear ladies in the NYC area,
You have another option. Why go for corporatized lovin when there’s a locally grown, organic option; Team ADB. We come from upstate, where the nature is, and have no fealty to sporting teams whose fortunes seem tied to those of the Bush Admin. We also do not speak jargon, unless you count Heideggerian, which is not a philosophy we subscribe to.
While Team ADB’s menu may not be as hoity toity as your corporate options, all our foodstuffs are purchased from Whole Foods or the Union Square farmer’s market, and we have hash. Additionally, we feature an HD capable 108 inch widescreen home projection system with powerful speakers. Even our corporate competitors can’t match that.
Team ADB’s romantic skills are such that they need no advertising. We feel that those who truly “got it” do not need to “flaunt it”. As such, we can be counted on for discretion.
In short, ladies, you have options. Don’t feel compelled to go with the overpolished, corporate package. The chemicals are bad for you. Buy local, and buy organic.
Team ADB
mikey said,
December 8, 2007 at 21:13
108 inch TV? No shit?
Damn, porn on that thang must be downright scary!
Like Godzilla going repeated into his lair, or something.
Wow…
mikey
Arky - Cthulhusexual said,
December 8, 2007 at 21:21
I first read GHB as “GBH,” and got a little concerned.
Miguel said,
December 8, 2007 at 21:30
Behind the PR speak, we can see a man with a lot of business acumen, he has used effectively market partitioning by offering three different solutions, one for each range of potential users.
By using market partitioning, a solutions provider is able to capture most of the available capital, and leave as little as possible on the table.
Smart move.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
December 8, 2007 at 21:34
Good point, Miguel.
However, I believe the two twinkies with Bud™ solution has been left off the table, leaving the door wide open for a penetration by another skilled and nimble entrepreneur.
Ian said,
December 8, 2007 at 21:34
“sexual solutions package”
I think you need to send that one back to marketing. It lacks the sort of pizazz needed to attract the consumer. Additionally, usage of the word “sex” is not recommended, because as you well know - or, at least those of us with Catholic backgrounds well know - sex is something that only bad people do. That’s gonna be a big turn off in the marketplace, particularly in the Boston area. Rather that just having a single package, as it were, you should advertise a broader selection of intimacy related services, and give them names that will appeal to particular demographics. For example: The Bradley Boing, Boing Package might be something that would appeal to the young, hipster demographic, and perhaps the Bradley Smooth Jazz Package to appeal to a somewhat older clientele.
baba durag said,
December 8, 2007 at 21:36
I kept reading it as Homed in XP, and getting images of some geekazoid who’d stuck a transponder on his dates’ forehead.
Now THAT’S sexy.
Buried Ruppert said,
December 8, 2007 at 21:44
Sure, this push for “market share” will probably snag a new round of funding but it won’t be enough to stave off the inevitable buy-out pressure from bigger players once the Twinkies product catches on.
Net result: BradBootay, Inc. gets bought by Google. Brad may get to keep his apartment but all “customer service” will be handled at the corporate level and, if his capitulation to the new board is both swift and enthusiastic, they might let him watch through the window.
kingubu said,
December 8, 2007 at 21:48
Dammit, I still had my FakeGary mask on.
t4toby said,
December 8, 2007 at 21:54
ADB, you had me at “and we have hash”.
DocAmazing said,
December 8, 2007 at 21:55
I’m thinking of investing in Brad. I’m having my broker draw up a Barry White Paper.
Duros62 said,
December 8, 2007 at 21:57
Well, I was gonna say that Marie Jon’ still wouldn’t do you (or Gavin either), but then I read this;
Now I’m not so sure.
Duros62 said,
December 8, 2007 at 22:02
“sexual solutions package”
“Cleanup on aisle 5, please?…cleanup on aisle 5.”
Dorothy said,
December 8, 2007 at 22:04
the alcohol-enhanced karaoke option, where customers have the option of experiencing Brad serenading them with stirring renditions of his favorite Prince songs.
How about
“the alcohol-enhanced karaoke option, which adds a Brad-enabled, Prince-based soundtrack to the customers’ dining experience.”
And I think you need something in there about “exceeding customers’ expectations”– all the good press releases have it.
Hm…now we need to brainstorm taglines and image schemes for the ads, PoP displays, and spec sheets to go with this product release campaign.
Crap, I’ve just outed myself, haven’t I?
MrWonderful said,
December 8, 2007 at 22:07
Consider adding a fourth culinary option: The Korean BBQ Experience,
in which you bring the beef to their table and THEY cook it while-u-wait.
In addition, you might–now, at the opening, to generate foot traffic, if that’s the term I want–offer a Complimentary Standard Cocktail. Nothing with “*tini” in the name, of course, but still.
MrWonderful said,
December 8, 2007 at 22:08
Tag lines?
“You can’t spell ‘Brad’ without B-A-D.”
Duros62 said,
December 8, 2007 at 22:17
all “customer service” will be handled at the corporate level
At a call center in Bangalore.
Smoove B said,
December 8, 2007 at 22:17
Girl, this is not the program for you. You know that only I, Smoove B, can smoove like you deserve to be smooved–most likely doggy style. This Brad is a poser, baby.
I will also serve the finest juice made from the freshest of fruits that money can buy.
Duros62 said,
December 8, 2007 at 22:23
sexual solutions package.
I would go with the Carnal Satisfaction Option, myself.
Results guaranteed, of course, or your money back.
mikey said,
December 8, 2007 at 22:24
Tag Line:
HomeDinXP with REAL Brad, now with 90% less syphilis!
mikey
cleter said,
December 8, 2007 at 22:28
sexual solutions package
You might want to re-brand that as Pleasure Package
That would give you, as the service provider, more flexibility in delivery options
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
December 8, 2007 at 22:29
Taglines? A fine restaurant tagline: Eat, or We Both Starve.
How about:
Fuck, or We Both Go Horny?
t4toby said,
December 8, 2007 at 22:30
Well, I guess we’re going to have to start playing this.
Col Bat Guano said,
December 8, 2007 at 22:34
I like the Italian option. What’s in the fine print?
Gavin, my guess would be a requirement for five minutes of awkward groping followed by premature release, but I could be wrong.
Walt said,
December 8, 2007 at 22:42
Too bad for you, but Jacqueline Mackie Paisley Passey is off the market!
http://www.comicspundit.com/2007/07/recently-member-of-my-blogroll.html
Hedley Lamarr said,
December 8, 2007 at 22:44
Shouldn’t the Italian Option include cannoli?
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
December 9, 2007 at 0:00
Jackie is a former Libertarian candidate, on and off activist, economist, and currently employed in Las Vegas in a robotics company.
How we can make jokes when they’ve written themselves?
commie atheist said,
December 9, 2007 at 0:08
Too bad for you, but Jacqueline Mackie Paisley Passey is off the market!
http://www.comicspundit.com/2007/07/recently-member-of-my-blogroll.html
That’s quite a catch, Jackie. He’s got that early-stage face mullet thing going on there.
Jackie’s uberhotness has been suitably matched, n’est-ce pas?
commie atheist said,
December 9, 2007 at 0:10
on and off activist
I envy people who can just turn their activism on and off, like they’re flipping a switch.
mikey said,
December 9, 2007 at 0:36
No, no, no, commie, you misunderstand. She’s a full-time activist, she just has trouble deciding which position to advocate. Sometimes she’s all for “on”, other times she’s firmly in the “off” camp.
Needless to say, she has engendered a great deal of distrust on both sides…
mikey
RobW said,
December 9, 2007 at 1:03
jon said,
First of all, isn’t this offer for “select” female customers only?
Jon’s on the right track here with the need for some pretense of exclusivity. I’d take it further and call for “exclusive female guests.”
“Customers” just sounds so retail.
RobW said,
December 9, 2007 at 1:12
Is anyone interested in collaborating on an open-source alternative to Brad(TM) or Team ADB?
Lesley said,
December 9, 2007 at 1:18
cut “concoctions” from the part about eggplant parmesan. Other than that, you’re gold.
yeah, “concoctions” sounds like you’re serving Italian Stouffer stovetop. Ditto for “Asian” cooking. Good God, man, pick a region. Be specific.
Also, no mention of playdoh and bacon anywhere…?
Dan Someone said,
December 9, 2007 at 1:27
You’ll never make it big unless you can tie it in to Facebook.
Jillian said,
December 9, 2007 at 1:36
What is this “dating” stuff you speak of?
Some Guy said,
December 9, 2007 at 1:57
Jillian said,
December 9, 2007 at 1:36
What is this “dating” stuff you speak of?
Hell if I know. I’ve checked http://www.wowhead.com and http://www.wowwiki.com nothing anywhere about it. I’m guessing it’s some sort of 2-man raid quest or something…
mikey said,
December 9, 2007 at 2:11
Jillian. Dating’s EASY. Spending the evening with someone who’s not annoying? Nigh on to impossible.
It’s not that it’s hard to get a date, or even get laid.
It’s just that, in the end, it just keeps ending up being people I don’t really like.
Now, a great deal of that is on me, sure.
But I’ll tell you what. I’d rather be alone than annoyed. And so, I suspect, would you..
mikey
a different brad said,
December 9, 2007 at 2:25
mikey just explained why I’ve been mostly single for the last 3-4 years, with a couple brief and not particularly important exceptions. (Also because of the professional demands of Team ADB, of course.)
Having someone around simply for the sake of having someone around ultimately feels dishonest to me. Just wish I knew where the gals I’d have fun with hide. I fear they’re mostly on the other side of the continent. Everyone I meet here is either crazy in non-sympatico ways to my own issues and/or too young for me.
Jillian said,
December 9, 2007 at 2:27
Most days anymore, mikey - I can’t decide which is worse.
I’d like to try NOT being annoyed for a change. Alas, the very idea taxes the imagination beyond forbearance.
mikey said,
December 9, 2007 at 2:45
I just keep redefining the parameters of a “relationship” to more comfortbably fit my terms and requirments. And there just keeps being fewer and fewer women willing to be a part of a relationship on those terms.
It comes down to accepting a different set of terms.
Or holding out, and likely ending up dying alone, bitter and angry.
Whatever it is that runs this universe hasn’t seen fit to make my path through this existence easy. So fuckit, y’know? The time for compromise was thirty years ago, and I never knew I’d get from there to here so quickly.
If I can’t have a do-over, reckon I’m gonna live with my choices…
mikey
mikey said,
December 9, 2007 at 2:48
Of course, that was pretty easy to say with a lady who’s company I REALLY enjoy on her way over with homemade turkey soup. She’s trading a bowl of that for a bowl of my chili.
Hee hee…
mikey
gbear said,
December 9, 2007 at 3:00
I’d recommend just getting a dog.
Umm, no, not for the sex.
Walking a cute happy doggie is an absolute babe magnet. 100%.
duros62 said,
December 9, 2007 at 3:31
Shouldn’t the Italian Option include cannoli?
Or Hide the Cannoli?
duros62 said,
December 9, 2007 at 3:33
…on and off activist, economist, and currently employed in Las Vegas in a robotics company.
Well, she definitely picked the right place to work.
IslamoCommuFascistLover said,
December 9, 2007 at 5:10
Although you shouldn’t tell your clients, I would strongly suggest outsourcing the actual food production to various immigrant-owned eateries in the area who will inevitably create a better product at a lower price.
Well, then again, maybe you’re a better man than me, but I can’t cook for shit.
g said,
December 9, 2007 at 5:44
Dating’s EASY. Spending the evening with someone who’s not annoying? Nigh on to impossible.
This is actually the best argument for marriage. Cause when you’re married, you don’t have a problem with sharing a meal, then spending the rest of the night at opposite ends of the house, then going to bed and fucking, but turning your back on the other person to get some sleep.
Robert Green said,
December 9, 2007 at 5:53
wait, a diff brad
didn’t you go to vassar?
IIRC correctly our ratio of 60/40 women to men and our ratio of 90/10 desperate lonely confused drunk women to prudish women made for some easy pickins’
i remember entering the real world and being quite surprised that parties didn’t consist of 4 gay guys, 3 straight guys and 20 straight women. it was a bummer.
a different brad said,
December 9, 2007 at 6:32
That’s certainly part of it, RG. It’s also the progressive colonization of all of NYC by Sex and the City fans and post ironic hipsters. I need me some dirty fucking hippies.
Assorted New Zealand Commentors (inc.) said,
December 9, 2007 at 6:43
Many thanks for the completely unsolicited product placement for NZ chardonnays. Your PayPal donation is in the mail.
Anne Laurie said,
December 9, 2007 at 6:46
Walking a cute happy doggie is an absolute babe magnet. 100%.
Although if your manhood won’t let you go with “small and cute”, at least make sure your canine accomplice is “mellow and well-mannered”. A giant frantic hairy beast spewing saliva as it tries to hump her leg, or at least get its tongue down her throat, is not the image you want to put in a prospective sexual partner’s mind.
I’ve also known a guy or two who had good luck with the “Why don’t we drop by my place so’s I can check on my cat?” ploy, but that only works if you have a cat who’ll actually show up (at least when they hear the can opener) and schmooze a bit.
i remember entering the real world and being quite surprised that parties didn’t consist of 4 gay guys, 3 straight guys and 20 straight women. it was a bummer.
Well, *there’s* ADB’s problem — he’s been spoiled.
Anne Laurie said,
December 9, 2007 at 6:56
Gawd. I looked at the Jackie Mackie Paisley Passey wedding photo. Let me say that one can wear either a white veil or a red dress to one’s wedding, but the combination of the two? Either schizophrenia or a serious failure to comprehend the symbolism.
My own husband just walked past my laptop & asked why I was looking at pictures of Joseph McCarthy. Ugh. Well, she’s a capital-L Libertarian, maybe that’s part of the attraction?
gbear said,
December 9, 2007 at 6:56
Anne, I have used the line ‘ So, are you allergic to cats?’ a couple times as an invitation back to my place. It had the added benefit of actually giving a heads up (so to speak) to a guy who was, indeed, severely allergic to cats. One look at my place and everyone knows I have cats, even if the lil’ sweethearts don’t show up.
Lesley said,
December 9, 2007 at 7:40
I just googled images of JMPP and a bizarre photo of Jackie in a wedding veil and red sequinned dress came up but guess who else? Anne Althouse. Cuz it’s always about Ann. I bet if I googled myself Ann would come up.
Doctorb Science said,
December 9, 2007 at 7:59
The press release reminds me of:
“Our genuine commitment is to take pride in passionately connecting with every guest, on every visit, through flawless and relentless execution of every detail during every shift - to create and keep fanatical fans of BJ’s concept and brand.”
Oddly, though, BJ’s is a Chicago-style “pizza” (by which I mean bread casserole) restaurant, as well as a pretty nice microbrewery.
sarah said,
December 9, 2007 at 8:31
so now j.m.p.p. has five initials? wow!
and brad, adb enterprises, and openbrad developers, don’t forget the part where you say that the agreement may be withdrawn at any time, with or without cause, by either party.
TritoneSub said,
December 9, 2007 at 10:10
Wow. Worthy of McSweeney. But the Trane is the shiznit.
a different brad said,
December 9, 2007 at 10:57
Anne, that’s not quite what my experience was. I spent three of my four years there with one girl. Which actually means I learned even less of how to do this male part of the initial mating rituals, both because I’m wired to either be faithful or end the relationship and because being part of a couple and not outwardly interested in every cute, brilliant, and troubled thang who walked by led to some of em flirting with me to degrees far beyond my pay grade. Hell, the one I spent three years with was probably out of my league in many ways.
I’m spoiled in that I had a big huge brain wrapped in attractive packaging all to myself for an extended period. I screwed up the best thing I had since, tho post 9/11 anxiety overload helped.
*realizes what he’s written, glares at beer bottle, submits anyway*
a different brad said,
December 9, 2007 at 11:03
To withdraw from the agreement at any time is impossible. Can’t be done retroactively. At any time prior to the conclusion of the Real Date Experience is an acceptable addition to the basic agreement.
RobW said,
December 9, 2007 at 11:15
Sarah: So, clicking on the button does NOT constitute an agreement to the terms of use by the end user? Seems like it’s pretty important to know that.
Qetesh the Qaveat Qat said,
December 9, 2007 at 11:19
Walking a cute happy doggie is an absolute babe magnet. 100%.
I can vouch for this. My best friend met her husband that way: he had two golden retrievers, lollopping along the beach, they got to chatting, and it went from there.
And this girl looks like Uma Thurman, and has a bod like Angelina Jolie. So I guess she’s the absolute babe mentioned above.
A giant frantic hairy beast spewing saliva as it tries to hump her leg, or at least get its tongue down her throat, is not the image you want to put in a prospective sexual partner’s mind.
Reminds me of a boyfriend I had at high school.
Qetesh the Qaveat Qat said,
December 9, 2007 at 11:23
which will be made available to female customers in the Boston area beginning immediately
Brad, I’d go with “which will be available to discerning career women in the Boston area for a limited time only”. Makes you sound exclusive and them sound intelligent and high-flying (rather than desperate for a root).
On a related topic, didn’t someone mention a Sadly orgy at some time in the past? There’s a fine opportunity for y’all to show off your ’solutions packages’, boys.
>•-,,—-,,——– said,
December 9, 2007 at 12:10
Walking a cute happy doggie is an absolute babe magnet. 100%.
Cute happy alligator is even better. Trust me.
Gérard de Nerval said,
December 9, 2007 at 12:12
Cute happy lobsters. Only way to go.
Qetesh the Qaveat Qat said,
December 9, 2007 at 13:16
How do you tell if a lobster is happy? They wave their claws about?
Hey, I’m curious.
Cute Happy Lobster said,
December 9, 2007 at 17:02
We’re not in a tank of water in the front of a restaurant or seafood dept., I can tell you that much.
LuLu said,
December 9, 2007 at 17:31
Is there an issue with cross-border shopping? I’m a Canadian girl so I’m wondewring if I’ll have to fool with Customs and Excise before I actually get my Brad on …
gbear said,
December 9, 2007 at 18:31
MrWonderful said,
December 8, 2007 at 22:08
Tag lines?
“You can’t spell ‘Brad’ without B-A-D.”
Or B-A-R
gbear said,
December 9, 2007 at 18:38
You might want to re-brand that as Pleasure Package
Nope, you don’t want to use anything that can be abbreviated as PP.
Gérard de Nerval said,
December 9, 2007 at 21:00
How do you tell if a lobster is happy?
The don’t bark.
sarah said,
December 9, 2007 at 21:50
robw, i’ve recently fallen into a job where i have to write up agreements for all kinds of facilities-related things (especially room usage) and that part is totally key. otherwise you’re in even more trouble when you get to deal with INCREDIBLY ANGRY TENANTS whose offices you’ve been instructed to move if they refuse to move them themselves…by the end of the week. sigh.
Phoenician in a time of Romans said,
December 10, 2007 at 9:18
Business Review: HomeDinXP from Brad(tm).
Rating: 1 star out of 5. Not recommended.
We employed two testers, both undercover, to evaluate this service. The following points were noted:
- Brad(tm) appears to have subcontracted both production of the Italian option and the Asian option to commercial catering companies, although he employs brand-labelling to make it appear as if it was produced in his facilities. Careful examination showed “General Pao’s” stamped on the uinderside of the packaging in the latter offering - and, indeed, the packaging itself was a bit of a clue. We have not had a chance to evaluate the budget option.
- The fine print on the advertising allows for substitution of peripheral items, such as the accompanying beverage In neither case did the tester receive the beverage originally advertised. In both cases, an imported wine from Estonia was substituted, which we suspect saved on costs but added little to the experience.
- Brad(tm) appears to operate an extremely hard-sell in attempting to persuade clients to upgrade to the sexual solutions package. Some of the rhetoric appears to be directly from the time-share school of selling.
- One of the testers reported Brad(tm) attempting to adulterate the beverage with some unknown substance. When confronted, he claimed that it was just icing sugar, but was unable to offer any satisfactory reason why it was in a small plastic bag, or why he was trying to add it to her wine. It is possible that this is related to the up-selling attempts made above, and we will be reporting this practice to the Better Business Bureau.
- The other tester, on her own initiative, decided to test out the sexual solutions package. While a full installation was made, as promised, she felt that the speed of the package was achieved at the expense of quality, and that considerably more training in customer support was needed. Brad(tm)’s equipment was barely adequate for the job, and she had to supplement the effort with manual systems to fully resolve her requirements.
Neither tester expressed any desire to continue with Brad(tm)’s services. We feel that his marketing strategy is poor, and that he should be aiming at a considerably lower market niche.
Chuckles said,
December 10, 2007 at 19:16
I would upgrade the entree from eggplant to anything else. Eggplant is the consolation prize of the vegetarian world. Maybe some type of squash? I wouldn’t recommend quiche because it sends a different message. Stay away from chicken, it is frigging boring. Spinach lasagna has been done and done to death but from scratch and with fresh spinach and you’ve got something worth shoving in your date’s piehole.
Without meaning to sound like a cheap bastard, the difference in quality from an 8 to 10 dollar bottle of wine and a 20 to 30 dollar bottle is really only noticed by oenophiles. If you are dating one of those, you might be better off telling her what you are making and let her bring a wine that compliments the meal. If not, wine that is on sale often tastes just as good as more expensive when to us philistines. Times is tight.
Sadly, No! » L00k1n6 4 l0v3 1n @ll t3h wr0n6 pl4c3s said,
December 12, 2007 at 0:12
[...] was I thinking this weekend when I wasted my time trying to pick up chicks with a slickly-worded press release? Instead, I coulda paid some crazy [...]
huxley said,
December 13, 2007 at 14:41
First time I visited my wife’s parents, they made a vegetarian dinner for us. Ratatouille. I can’t bear eggplant … I was probably purple trying to swallow without retching (always the best way to make an impression).
It’s auberginophobia or something …
Good luck with the HomeDinXP Professional Bradley Live Edition Starter Kit ®
Elissa Jordan said,
December 16, 2007 at 22:24
Brilliant. God, what if dating was really like this? Actually, it would probably help a lot of guys out. I think I would choose the alcohol-enhanced karaoke option. Drunken Prince…you just can’t lose!