Dec
5
5
Shorter* Glenn Reynolds Avoiding The W. Thomas Smith, Jr. Scandal**
Bob Owens: Read The Whole Thing
- I do say: Let it not escape notice that there are fabulists penning untrue accounts of military-related events for publication in media journals, for I see once more that Bob “Confederate Yankee” Owens is exploring a new wrinkle in the ever-developing Scott Beauchamp story, the fascination of which truly seems never to abate, such that indeed, one will be both pleased and informed upon reading the aforelinked commentary in full.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.
* I.e., ‘longer.’ (It’s generally no more practical to do a shorter version of a Glenn Reynolds post than to summarize a burp.)
** Chris Allbritton has the latest on the National Review fabulist.
Glenn Reynolds said,
December 5, 2007 at 1:34
Ouch! This fucking beam in my eye hurts!
Rufus said,
December 5, 2007 at 1:37
“Fabulist” is so harsh. How about “differently-realitied?”
a different brad said,
December 5, 2007 at 1:41
*quietly chants*
sammich sammich sammich sammich….
mikey said,
December 5, 2007 at 1:45
Personally, I think diffbrad’s onto something very good.
But hey, if it doesn’t work for you, how about
burrito, burrito, burrito
Or at least a corn dog in each fist?
mikey
Smut Clyde said,
December 5, 2007 at 1:50
Needs a cat’s cradle.
Righteous Bubba said,
December 5, 2007 at 1:51
Or at least a corn dog in each fist?
Corn-dog pom-poms?
Galactic Dustbin said,
December 5, 2007 at 1:58
sammich sammich sammich sammich corn dog corn dog
sammich sammich sammich sammich sammich sammich sammich sammich
oh it’s a shake, its a great big shake
sammich sammich sammich sammich corn dog corn dog
stringonastick said,
December 5, 2007 at 2:12
Oh, I don’t know, it looks like he could be holding K Lo’s ass just as easily as a sammich.
Gavin M. said,
December 5, 2007 at 2:17
[sammich incoming]
Left_Wing_Fox said,
December 5, 2007 at 2:23
* It is generally no more practical to do a shorter version of a Glenn Reynolds post than to summarize a burp.
Let’s face it. No-one is shorter than the Instaputz.
Malignant Bouffant said,
December 5, 2007 at 2:25
Nor did they mention that Foer and The New Republic refused to apologize to those soldiers in Iraq and Kuwait they accused of atrocities.
OK, I didn’t read any of Beauchamp’s “fables” (And what’s wrong w/ fables? Is Aesop now to be removed from the schools & libraries?) but did he actually name any names or accuse identified individuals of sporting literal skullcaps? ‘Cause who needs this apology otherwise? Not that any of the stuff that I’d heard of were “atrocities,” anyway, other than the dog being run over.
I’d also prefer to see a huge double dong in the putrid professor’s paws. He doesn’t really qualify for food abuse. And perhaps our hosts could stop running pictures that beg for a sandwich/dildo application.
g said,
December 5, 2007 at 2:30
Nope, nobody ever said something unkind to someone else in the cafeteria. How could you possibly think that?
Righteous Bubba said,
December 5, 2007 at 2:31
‘Cause who needs this apology otherwise?
All US soldiers everywhere because so there.
Smut Clyde said,
December 5, 2007 at 2:41
Ouch! This fucking beam in my eye hurts!
So stop staring straight into the freckin’ overhead projector.
Gary Ruppert said,
December 5, 2007 at 2:52
The fact is, I go poo.
John O said,
December 5, 2007 at 2:57
The spectacular wankitude this President’s supporters continue to exhibit is just plain overwhelming to me.
Nice job illustrating some of them, though I would be curious to hear your thoughts on Matthews’ number tonight that 80% of GOP voters still support the President, other than, “remind me not to move to Iowa.”
This is the kind of polling number that convinces me we are circling the drain as a nation.
John O said,
December 5, 2007 at 2:59
Shorter Bush Presser:
I’m too stupid to ask what the intelligence is to stop going out and calling WWIII, or I’m a funking liar in the first degree.
I DEFY anyone to call it differently. Yes, I’m ready for battle.
John O said,
December 5, 2007 at 3:05
I am sick of this sick, stupid fuckstain of a human being representing me throughout the world.
The man wouldn’t get hired to run a fucking elevator if his last name wasn’t “Bush.”
Saul said,
December 5, 2007 at 3:12
Shalom gentlemen.
MzNicky said,
December 5, 2007 at 3:15
Sammich alternatives:
A couple of chicken drumstix
a jug o’ corn squeezins and a shotgun (add Snuffy Smith hat)
a rattlesnake and a bottle of poison
I’d register an indignant protest regarding regional bigotry about the above suggestions, except I live down here so it’s ok if I make them.
Then there’s always the possibility of cartoon twin suckling babies. Those arms akimbo seem appropriate for football-style infant tucking.
Saul said,
December 5, 2007 at 3:16
You liberals by your constant smearing of our Great Commander in Chief President Bush have revealed yourselves to be a bunch of ignorant fools who know nothing of the reality of the times that we are living in. The fact is, the islamo-facsists have declared war on Western Civilization and have vowed to destroy us all, therefore, we must all stand together as Westerners and fight this islamo-facsist threat! You liberals by opposing our President and troops have shown yourselves as the treasonous dogs that you are.
MzNicky said,
December 5, 2007 at 3:17
Dammit! Too late.
John O said,
December 5, 2007 at 3:19
I meant “battle” with someone who owned a brain, Saul.
Your President has been breeding terrorists, the only method of war they have to mess with us, like hookers at a convention.
I’m already done with you, you fake retard. Or real retard, like it matters.
Saul said,
December 5, 2007 at 3:21
The fact is, kill all liberals.
Saul said,
December 5, 2007 at 3:21
The fact is, by ignoring the islamo-facsist threat and placing the blame at our Great Commander in Chief you liberals are commiting treason. You should all be hanged.
mikey said,
December 5, 2007 at 3:26
[Aussie Accent]
*AHEM*
Now THAT’S a Sammich…
crikey
Saul said,
December 5, 2007 at 3:28
The fact is, all you treasonous dogs should be sent to gulags. Stalin knew a thing or to about dealing with traitors, and I admire him for it.
G. Gordon Ruppert said,
December 5, 2007 at 3:28
Fake Saul/Kevin, unless you’re on active duty or in the reserves, the degenerate fratboy currently using 1600 Penn. Ave to park his mountain bike is not your commander in chief. Please to find some other target for your servile authoritarian man-crush.
kingubu said,
December 5, 2007 at 3:31
Ooops, that G. Gordon was me… using a fake Gary nym to diss a fake Saul/Kevin… heh.
Patkin said,
December 5, 2007 at 3:38
Stalin knew a thing or to about dealing with traitors, and I admire him for it.
COMMIE.
W Thomas Smith Jr said,
December 5, 2007 at 3:41
I was informed by very reliable sources that sandwiches are good to eat..
jgmurphy said,
December 5, 2007 at 3:41
Heck, after the entire WMD debacle, you’d think no one on the right would dare accuse anyone else of fabrication ever again.
Gary's Little Brother Timmy said,
December 5, 2007 at 3:42
Even shorter:
Wait here, as I get something out of my car - OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT BENHIND YOU?! RUN!
No one looks or runs, but all watch Reynolds run away in a zig-zag manner.
John O said,
December 5, 2007 at 3:45
LOL, jgmurphy, if only it were true.
Fabrication is the currency in which all fantasists and unrealists and fucking morons deal.
No, they’ll still go with their fabrications, because they have a very low-IQ, very high vote-count base. I’m pretty sure many GOP voters would be proud to be put behind barbed-wire, because their President said it was a good idea.
Malignant Bouffant said,
December 5, 2007 at 3:51
Enough w/ the sammiches, & kudos to MzNicky for coming up w/ more tasteful (& regionally appropriate) alternatives than I did.
robyn hitchcock in pirate voice said,
December 5, 2007 at 3:52
I saw MzNicky’s mention of ‘arms akimbo’ and couldn’t resist.
Read or scroll past.
THE CAN OPENER
Now it’s of a jolly can opener
As I shall tell a tale
It roved about the seven seas
In dismal squalls and gales
It sawed up Chinese railwaymen
With cutlass and harpoons
It opened fleshy submarines
And dug in them with spoons
It opened up a merchantman
All bound for far Cathay
But it was full of tins of meat
How many, none could say
Oh Wendy dear, avoid those prongs
That vicious twirling ratchet
That grinds through fair containers all
Or else you’re bound to catch it
Now Wendy brought asparagus
And lawnmowers and felt
To force that ruddy can opener
To grind so hard he’d melt
The can opener got wind
Of this great plot to blunt its teeth
And sailed away quite quickly
To a hiding-place near Leith
The Scottish coast had always held
A fond place in its heart
And now there was a chance to be
Together, not apart
The can opener, festooned with flags
Arrived one Friday night
To a welcome from a flock of sheep
It made a cheerful sight
But not so cheerful was the sight
Behind the frothy sheep
Of Wendy by the savage rocks
Around them she did peep
“I’ve substituted felt for grass
Asparagus for hedges
And now I’ve got the lawnmower
From good old Uncle Reg’s.”
But this did not impress the flock
Who normally ate pork
In cheery little sauteed lumps
Upon a silver fork
The can opener moored in a creek
And sharpened up its gasher
The lawnmower come whirring down
And that could not have been rasher
Because a deadly whirl of scything blades
Ensued before the gaze
Of Wendy and the burly sheep
Which lasted several days
The end came swiftly, when it did
The blow came from on high
The lawnmower had gone up to
That greenhouse in the sky
So Wendy went to Manchester
To buy a balaclava
But suddenly became engulfed
In floods of molten lava
The can opener still roves the gulch
With severing claws akimbo
And rips through sheets of yielding tin
And Wendy…..is in Limbo
gbear said,
December 5, 2007 at 3:56
W Thomas Smith Jr said,
December 5, 2007 at 3:41
I was informed by very reliable sources that sandwiches are good to eat..
No goddamned pictures!
W Thomas Smith Jr said,
December 5, 2007 at 3:58
Earlier this month, I became the first journalist to try a sandwich. The prototype sandwich is known as the Bacon Lettuce and Tomato (BLT). Earlier names included “PigBelly Green Leaves and Red Thing,” that name was scrapped because, as Joynt says, the King of Swaziland’s sandwich was christened, “PigBelly.” The next name was “Steve,” but apparently others were already using that moniker.
tigrismus said,
December 5, 2007 at 4:00
That sandwich doesn’t look like the croque-merdeux served up by Bush and Co., which Intsy assures us is deliciously earthy.
John O said,
December 5, 2007 at 4:03
Dan Abrams, of all people, is abusing the Bush presser as I type.
Hilarious.
It takes a true fucktard to believe anything this Administration tells us.
These bozos could ruin, “the sun rises in the East,” if they make the claim too loudly.
W Thomas Smyth Jr said,
December 5, 2007 at 4:06
Then there’s the GBLT which is speared together with festive parasols. Fabulous!
John O said,
December 5, 2007 at 4:13
Conservatives should know better when Pat Buchanan, known librul, says this Administrations is bat shit insane.
I don’t agree with Pat about ANYTHING, but I have come to trust his sincerity, and for that I respect him.
Plus, he’d be a major blast to have a dozen beers with.
MCH said,
December 5, 2007 at 4:30
Are there two words more worthy of dread than “Shalom gentlemen”?
a different brad said,
December 5, 2007 at 4:30
Yay sammich!
John O said,
December 5, 2007 at 4:32
“President Bush?”
Patkin said,
December 5, 2007 at 4:37
Those are two words, brad.
pedestrian said,
December 5, 2007 at 4:39
Then there’s the GBLT which is speared together with festive parasols. Fabulous!
No need to leave the P out (for Pig Belly). It’s been added to represent the “polyamorous”. I haven’t been to the queer student center in a few weeks but I believe that the full acronymn is now:
LGBTQIPA, or, Lesbian/Gay/Bi/Trans/Questioning(or Queer)/Intersex/Polyamorous/Asexual.
Queer is often used as an umbrella term, but in this context it basically means “none of the above”. It covers people who exhibit multiple genders, or lesbians trapped in male bodies - no snickering.
Aren’t gender studies fun?
a different brad said,
December 5, 2007 at 4:42
Polyamorous?
Is that the same thing as sleeps around?
That kinda doesn’t fit with the rest of those categories.
Tho I guess it’s for the best to get those not wired for monogamy to be upfront about it.
pedestrian said,
December 5, 2007 at 4:46
Sort of - but I guess it also includes closed relationships of three or more. Not sure how many of those there are. Polygamy is still frowned on though (unless it’s polyandry, which is AWESOME!)
Saul said,
December 5, 2007 at 4:51
The fact is, liberals only hate polygamy because it is God’s Holy Plan, as seen in the Bible.
a different brad said,
December 5, 2007 at 4:54
Ah. Why would folk with access to a permanent threesome need a center to feel safe in, tho?
I’m sure there’s weird dynamics n such, but that’s hardly an oppressed position.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
December 5, 2007 at 4:57
#
a different brad said,
December 5, 2007 at 4:30
Yay sammich!
I’d like to add that chorus.
YAY AMEN FCCUCKINNNGG GIANT SAMMICH AT LAST!!11eleven!!!!
pedestrian said,
December 5, 2007 at 5:02
Yeah, I’m right with you. Nobody member of a happy couple has a right to bitch about anything, let alone a happy treple.
I also happen to know one of the aforementioned white male lesbians, and it takes some concentrated openmindedness. But I figure, “live, let live?” is basically what we are all about, so I don’t worry about it.
Hmm… maybe we should just shorten the acronym to LLL
stringonastick said,
December 5, 2007 at 5:06
I hope there’s a can opener hidden in there somewhere.
Betty Crocker said,
December 5, 2007 at 5:10
I always get Pig Bellies mixed up with Peanut Butter unless it’s spelled out.
Saul said,
December 5, 2007 at 5:14
I like PB cookies!
gbear said,
December 5, 2007 at 5:17
Pat Buchanan’s cookies? We need a new initial for that one.
Djur said,
December 5, 2007 at 5:17
Hey, if you shuffled those around and made room for, uh, Blowfish-fuckers and Hamitophiles, you’d get A BBQ PLIGHT. Which would accurately describe the resulting club picnic.
gbear said,
December 5, 2007 at 5:21
H might as well be for Hetero. Seems like every other possibility is covered. But that would be less fun at the picnic.
pedestrian said,
December 5, 2007 at 5:36
Heteros are welcome, but they are advised to read the posted sign:
If you go out in the woods today
You’re sure of a big surprise.
If you go out in the woods today
You’d better go in disguise.
For every bear that ever there was
Will gather there for certain, because
Today’s the day the homos will have their picnic.
g said,
December 5, 2007 at 5:46
Great looking sammich.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
December 5, 2007 at 5:47
Shorter K-Lo.
(Lex) Skink Tyree (Azagthoth) said,
December 5, 2007 at 5:53
MCH–how about “on ignore”?
pedestrian..rofl….I should have pulled that on my homophobe neighbors before the wife’s voice hit pitches only my dog could hear.
Actually, I’m still planning my “Lex’s Big-Gay-Dirty-Mexican-Lawn Party”*. If anyone wants to come, you’re more than welcome. We have even more musical instruments now. It needs to wait till Spring though, because I need to be in a bikini, and so does everyone else, actually.
*I don’t call Mexicans dirty, I myself was called a “Dirty Mexican”. Long story, good party name.
El Cid said,
December 5, 2007 at 6:06
Sir, we done talked a bit to that reporter guy, W. Thomas Smith Jr., and he just tol’ us that he done saw hunnerts of Yankee soldiers ovarat there ridge and they’s got theys’selves at least two or three guns apiece, an he also said they’s lookin’ like a few more thousand’s on the way.
Don’t you worry, Gen’l Reynolds, me and Billy here are by God 100% Confederates and we gonna stand our damn ground, if’n you won’t be mindin’ that me and Billy here we got to go back to the house for a second, won’t be more’ an a second, just to, well, Billy’s got a couple things he got to drop off to the wife for’n his little ones, right Billy? Billy?
(Lex) Skink Tyree (Azagthoth) said,
December 5, 2007 at 6:22
Speaking of Confederates, I never have been to that “Confederate Yankee” guy’s site. What’s his deal? Same as the rest?
zython said,
December 5, 2007 at 6:25
Shalom gentlemen.
Give it up, I’ve already proven that you’re not Jewish.
Rightwingsnarkle said,
December 5, 2007 at 6:44
Hey, did Instaputz get that sammich at Moe’s?
gbear said,
December 5, 2007 at 6:49
Yep, I can attest that bears sometimes gather in the woods. I can also attest that the local vice squad also has that sign posted. They take the disguise part to heart. Bastards.
Smut Clyde said,
December 5, 2007 at 8:39
I hope they have lots of portapotties.
wordyeti said,
December 5, 2007 at 8:46
Yay! Been gone from this site for a month, and I log back in and am greeted by TEH GIANT SAMMICH! Manna from hebbin … well, it would be if said manna were actually slathered with pickles, mayo, mustard, lettuce, cheese … damn.
Now I’m hungry.
BTW - where are all the outraged concern-troll weight/body-type scolds? They get Tuesdays off or sumthin’? Or have they given up on us S,N! heathens and moved on to snurfle thru the threads&comments over at Jesus’ General for insignificant bits that they can seize and squawk over?
Oh - and where’s the bit where Jughead Pat sez the Bushies are loons? I’d love to bring the popcorn and watch the cage match between him and the likes of Malkin or Gun-Counter Gomer…
Righteous Bubba said,
December 5, 2007 at 9:10
The sandwich brings out CyberGlenn’s Lipid Containment Unit quite nicely.
Psycheout said,
December 5, 2007 at 10:02
I really don’t get it, but every time you guys photoshop a sub sandwich into somebody’s hands it makes me laugh.
Could you photoshop a sub into Paul Mirengoff’s hands? Because he’s really cheesed me off.
RandomObserver said,
December 5, 2007 at 11:22
Yeah what’s the deal with the sammich? I’ve seen it a couple time recently.
Did you guys finally grow some balls and realize that having [name redacted] wag a finger at you is a worth it for some yuks?
Teh Giant Celery said,
December 5, 2007 at 12:34
Dear Sirs:
We are terribly disappointed with your decision to once again put Teh Giant Sammich in an S,N! post.
Do we need to remind you that, as an unhealthy meal, Teh Giant Sammich is insulting to people who dress up as giant sammiches and go to malls, or who buy fat suits at malls, or some such?
In contrast, we, Teh Giant Celery, are a healthful and crunchy alternative to giant sammiches, burritos, corndogs and other snacks dressed as which it is dangerous to appear in malls.
At any rate, consider this fair warning. Please cease and desist, or we will start multiple threads on a variety of other websites accusing you of supporting Ron Paul.
Sincerely,
Teh Giant Celery (Mrs.)
Smut Clyde said,
December 5, 2007 at 12:41
Oh noes! It is Paul the Samurai! He has smuggled his katana through Customs by baking it into a Giant Sammich!!1!
pedestrian said,
December 5, 2007 at 16:14
Actually, I’m still planning my “Lex’s Big-Gay-Dirty-Mexican-Lawn Party”*. If anyone wants to come, you’re more than welcome. We have even more musical instruments now. It needs to wait till Spring though, because I need to be in a bikini, and so does everyone else, actually.
Sweeeeeeeeeet. That’s the only good reason to move to the suburbs.
D. Sidhe said,
December 5, 2007 at 16:34
As a former member of a long term poly trio (our third died some years back or we’d still be there, I imagine), no, not really the same thing as “sleeps around”, anymore than “bisexual” means “sleeps around”. And as to what they’d have to bitch about: ignorant harassment from cops, gays, straights, family, neighbors, employers, doctors, landlords, banks, and most religious types, nearly all of it based on the assumption that polyamorous just means “sleeps around”.
(Lex) Skink Tyree (Azagthoth) said,
December 5, 2007 at 16:34
Ped–well, my rainbow flag is REALLY pissing them off. And blasting mariachi music while doing yardwork (um, along with some other favorites). I just want to share the love and let others enjoy it all. And no, it’s not enough of a good reason to move to the suburbs, sadly. Unless the market bounces back & I turn a profit when I sell, this will have just been a lesson in people serving as bad examples….LOL.
g said,
December 5, 2007 at 17:03
Lex, will there be margaritas? Cause I am so there.
Grand Moff Texan said,
December 5, 2007 at 18:34
Whoa! The comments on Chris Allbritton’s post are hilarious!
I remember trolls at Eschaton writing in much the same style. Somewhere between Regency novel and the evil monkey guy on Power Puff Girls and PRESTO! Instant genuine Araby-sounding guy! He must be right, ’cause he sounds all funny ‘n shit!
Chris responds:
Swarthy McFake’stache blows a gasket:
Um, yeah. Meanwhile, we in the Reality Based Community™ know that all Lebanese people sound like Klinger from M*A*S*H*.
.
SamFromUtah said,
December 5, 2007 at 18:54
I tried to summarize a burp once. It nearly ruptured my eardrums.