Sadly, No! » Fixing The Internet

Nov
26

Fixing The Internet

Posted at 18:49 by Gavin M.

It seems like there’s always something that needs fixing, here on this Internet.

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55 Comments »

dave said,

November 26, 2007 at 18:58

Thank you for the fix.

That damned tear drop ad has been pissing me off. I ain’t no Internets-fixer, but couldn’t they just cut and paste a frigging raindrop instead of a stupid friggin blank paisley pattern in the middle of his friggin eye?
Simba B. said,

November 26, 2007 at 19:14

Heh.

I had no idea about this ad, mostly because I use the wonderful tool that is Adblock Plus. I wonder how I did without it.
Some Guy said,

November 26, 2007 at 19:21

Am I just seeing things, or does that man have some foreign (the worst kind) object lodged up his butt?
Marita said,

November 26, 2007 at 19:24

Am I just seeing things, or does that man have some foreign (the worst kind) object lodged up his butt?

Could it be the Gun Counter Gomer self-powering his brand spankin’ new gas grill?
J— said,

November 26, 2007 at 19:24

He certainly does, Some Guy, and he’s standing over a gas grill.
Peanutcat said,

November 26, 2007 at 19:25

Huh?
Arky - Cthulusexual said,

November 26, 2007 at 19:25

Um, WTF? I have not seen this ad. Please tell me this ad does not really exist.

Some guy - No you’re not. Yes there is. Let’s hope it isn’t from China our he’ll get lead poisoning.
El_Cid said,

November 26, 2007 at 19:30

Oooo — can you re-do it as one of those teardrop tattoo’s one gets to mourn lost fellow gang members?
Some Guy said,

November 26, 2007 at 19:38

Well, nice to know I’m just going crazy. I guess.
SMAWG said,

November 26, 2007 at 19:40

While you guys are busy taping up the Internet tubes, could you tell me just what the fuck Lileks is talking about today? I read his Bleat and I have no idea. I suspect it’s a cultural issue - since I’m not a neocon, I don’t have the proper cultural background in feeling like a victim to nameless Liberal forces of oppression…
mikeg said,

November 26, 2007 at 19:41

Great - except you moved the tear to the wrong corner. The ducts empty at the outer corners.
NobodySpecial said,

November 26, 2007 at 19:41

Can’t be CY; that grill ain’t a char-coal one.
NobodySpecial said,

November 26, 2007 at 19:50

Well, he’s saying that women who have their hoo-ha fixed up so it can’t have kids are misanthropes.
NobodySpecial said,

November 26, 2007 at 19:50

That was to SMAWG, above. Sorry for any more confusion.
Some Guy said,

November 26, 2007 at 19:54

I’m not lookin’ to start no trouble, but I heard wikipedia called you a liar, mikeg. You gunna let some punk website call you a liar?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tear_duct
mdhatter said,

November 26, 2007 at 20:20

I think FDR needs an electric guitar.
NutellaonToast said,

November 26, 2007 at 20:24

Hilarity would ensue if someone vandalized the tear duct page on wikipedia to state that the tear duct was on the outside of the eye. I would find not end to my amusement if the wikipedia page for “tear duct” got locked!
Lesly said,

November 26, 2007 at 20:30

As much as I can sympathize with the intent of the ad, that tear just pisses me off. It’s so fucking emo it’s something I’d expect on a right-wing blog, like the faketaculous crying eagle between the twin towers.
Gavin M. said,

November 26, 2007 at 20:32

The outside of the eye? As in like this?
SP said,

November 26, 2007 at 20:38

Admit it, Gavin, the most time consuming part of a “fixing the internets” post is finding the clever pictures to have open as your other photoshop-in-progress windows.
Smiling Mortician said,

November 26, 2007 at 20:46

Careful where you leave those mad PS skills lying around, Gavin. The wrong people could pick up that crazed-zombie-Franklin pic and the next thing you know somebody puts an eye out.
Gavin M. said,

November 26, 2007 at 20:46

Admit it, Gavin, the most time consuming part of a “fixing the internets” post is finding the clever pictures to have open as your other photoshop-in-progress windows.

But then, I’ve gotten lazy and stopped setting up the Firefox tabs with stuff like ‘Erectile Dysfunction FAQ’ and ‘Asian Bride Finder’…
Xenos said,

November 26, 2007 at 20:52

It is kitsch if it inspires two tears, one for the sentiment demanded, one for the amour-propre and self-righteousness of identifying with the virtuous sentiment.

I probably mangled that badly… time to dig up the Kundera collection.
Hmpf said,

November 26, 2007 at 20:57

I’m so Emo, I don’t even have eyes.

I had my piercing artist replace my eyeballs with the tear ducts of an elephant.
Legalize said,

November 26, 2007 at 21:00

Great. Fifty Pats threads, and now an emo thread! Blah blah blah, FDR had polio, whine whine whine.
Kathleen said,

November 26, 2007 at 21:03

it’s a slippery slope from lazy to half-asses, Gav. be warned.
Emo Cunt said,

November 26, 2007 at 21:05

Somebody called me a cunt.

Snif.
mikey said,

November 26, 2007 at 21:07

My favorite part when anybody posts a screenshot is checking out their browser tabs and open applications.

And now Gavin tells us he rigged ‘em?

Sheesh. Can’t rely on nuthin anymore.

Love the natural gas supply, though…

mikey
Lesly said,

November 26, 2007 at 21:10

Snif.

TMI.
SMAWG said,

November 26, 2007 at 21:44

Nobody Special: Thanks! I was gonna ask for a ‘Shorter Lileks’ entry, but then I realized that at 4′8″ he might be a little touchy about that.
pedestrian said,

November 26, 2007 at 22:08

My Shorter Lileks:
What’s with these uppity hippie chicks demanding “tolerance” for their abortions? Of course we all tolerate them, but by “tolerance” they secretly mean “state-mandated approval”, while I mean, “not clubbing them to death until I can get the laws changed”.
kiki said,

November 26, 2007 at 22:31

“But then, I’ve gotten lazy and stopped setting up the Firefox tabs with stuff like ‘Erectile Dysfunction FAQ’ and ‘Asian Bride Finder’…”

Whenever I take a cap of my desktop, I make sure it has a folder called “Midget porn” on it.
Righteous Bubba said,

November 26, 2007 at 22:32

henever I take a cap of my desktop, I make sure it has a folder called “Midget porn” on it.

Yeah, but then you gotta fill up the folder with midget porn and that takes a while.
mikeg said,

November 26, 2007 at 22:47

Memo to self: stop trying to “help”.
sarah said,

November 26, 2007 at 23:02

hmpf ftw!

thank you, thank you, thank you for the emo comment lesly, because this gives me yet another opportunity to tell my favorite joke!

q: how many emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
.
.
.
.
.
you’re wondering, you’re wondering, my office job is driving me a little crazy
.
.
.
.
.
a: none. they’d rather sit and cry in the dark.
alone.
with a hood on.
Thers said,

November 26, 2007 at 23:10

Yeah, but then you gotta fill up the folder with midget porn and that takes a while.

Lots of really small jpegs.
mdhatter said,

November 27, 2007 at 0:41

Well, yeah, but it’s CHUCK NORRIS.

and I hear he does have another fist under the beard.
BigHank53 said,

November 27, 2007 at 0:52

Once you compress the porn enough, it gets all pixelated and you can just pretend they’re all midgets. Saves a lot of time.
(Lex) Skink Tyree (Azagthoth) said,

November 27, 2007 at 1:25

Um Gavin, can you really fix the internet? I have really one main request, such a minor thing, make Malkin go bye-bye. Or teach me how to do photoshop better myself so I can at least make it look that way.
PhysioProf said,

November 27, 2007 at 2:49

FDR is crying because that BBQ dude has something stuck up his ass?
Slime Jime said,

November 27, 2007 at 3:10

Will no one think of the tear ducts?!
Frederick said,

November 27, 2007 at 4:21

Since when does perez hilton use FDR in ads?
Smut Clyde said,

November 27, 2007 at 4:42

Once you compress the porn enough, it gets all pixelated and you can just pretend they’re all Lego block people.
Midget porn is so vanilla these days.
Pinko Punko said,

November 27, 2007 at 5:00

WHat about zero ass? I’m lovin it!
mikey said,

November 27, 2007 at 5:10

Pinko?

Zero-ass-trians?

Sounds a little like religious intolerance to me.

But then I’m just bitter….

mikey
Smut Clyde said,

November 27, 2007 at 5:34

I should have known it… Yes, there are webpages devoted to Block-structure* p0rn.

*Apparently a certain Danish toy company has a reputation for defending the integrity of its brand-name.
fardels bear said,

November 27, 2007 at 6:06

OK, I’m going to out myself here.

I have never, ever, ever, never, not-even-once been able to make head or tails out of any Gavin’s “fixing the internet” pictorial spectacular. I have no idea at all what the hell this one is about, what the “fix” is, or what the result is. Needless to say, teh funny in this case is way over my head.

I even read the comments hoping I can spot in the in the comments what I’ve missed in the pictures and they STILL make no sense to me. It is like I’m looking at a Picasso and y’all are standing around explaining analytic cubism and I’m trying to look all smart and nodding my head like I have a clue.

But I don’t. No idea what the HELL Gavin, our own Picasso (except for being a mysoginist prick which Pablo was and Gavin isn’t) has done.
tigrismus said,

November 27, 2007 at 6:15

He made the tear not look like crap.
tigrismus said,

November 27, 2007 at 6:17

And not come out of the pupil: WTF were they thinking? The one with the multi-tears and open mouth is even better.
Teh Penguin said,

November 27, 2007 at 6:23

Fardels Ursine companion.

It’s a lot harder when he includes unnecessary Saab references.

Then it’s impenetrable….

mikey
Ed Marshall said,

November 27, 2007 at 7:59

I have never, ever, ever, never, not-even-once been able to make head or tails out of any Gavin’s “fixing the internet” pictorial spectacular. I have no idea at all what the hell this one is about, what the “fix” is, or what the result is. Needless to say, teh funny in this case is way over my head.

He moved the crappy 2d tear over by a few pixels, which ironically did improve the quality of the image a great deal. He spent an extra five seconds vs. the original 25 seconds that went into that image and improved it by 100%.
cowalker said,

November 27, 2007 at 8:59

Lileks musings: “The front of the store was piled with anti-Bush calendars – Bushisms, various countdown page-a-day numbers. I don’t remember a big heaping display of those at the end of the Clinton era. But I’m sure they were there.”
http://www.lileks.com/bleats/archive/07/1107/112607.html

Yep. Remember how everyone longed for the end of Clinton’s second term? There were calendars doing a countdown. People were totally concerned about possible blow jobs STILL occurring in the Oval Office. It completely overwhelmed the repercussions from changing from a Democratic liberal presidency to a constipated, ideologically fixated, reality-ignoring presidency that deemed it intelligent to invade Iraq.

Yep, we hates ourselves some Clintons when we contemplate the current foreign policy of the U.S.

Not.
DAS said,

November 27, 2007 at 17:38

I see I wasn’t the only one to notice this ad, but I think I may have beat Gavin to it?

blogwhore
fardels bear said,

November 27, 2007 at 19:15

Ah. I see. Yes. Now it all makes sense. heh, heh, yes, quite a knee slapper. Zany and madcap. Not quite my cup of tea but the young people seem to like it. I’d like to go into programme planning but unfortunately, I have a degree.

Guess I’m just not a visual person.
justme said,

November 28, 2007 at 0:49

I admit, I’ve been thinking prison tat every time I see that ad, too.

‘Cause FDR gonna have to kill a motherfucker after what they done to the New Deal.

Fixing The Internet

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