Stephen Colbert is the Gavin M. of television.

Wait. You mean to tell me that you actually SNORTED CHEETOES the way one would snort a line of coke?

Um, yes I did. I have no witnesses for this particular act, but in order to be consistent, I did snort Cheeto dust through my nose, yes.

Subject is increasingly aggressive and hostile to reasonable requests. Close physical examination belies the presence of a film of orange powder around the subject’s nostrils.

Wait. You mean to tell me that you actually SNORTED CHEETOES the way one would snort a line of coke? Holy Crap™! I stand in awe of the sacrifices you are willing to make for our amusement, Gav.

I wish I came up with it.

To attempt to answer this question is like attempting to understand the nature of God. With your dick.

It is not humanly possible, yet it is the ultimate question that captivates us all. It is not the knowlege that you seek, but the wisdom achieved in seeking it.

The answer is that there is no answer.

It is known that there are many false Garys. Some here have admitted to the perfidy of Gary impersonation. They are blasphemers and would be punished in a just universe, swept into the dustbin of history.

Some believe Gary to be a simple assembly of computer code that randomly arranges Republican talking points and posts them to this and a few other blogs. Nobody knows who would have written such a malicious script, let alone why. But we all rejoice that, however it was done, it was done.

It may have spontaneously erupted from Karl Rove’s lost Blackberry files, the virtual animation of over 5 million e-mailed talking points and instructions to political operatives around the nation mysteriously conglomerating themselves into a simple but lovable program.

It is said that there was once an original Gary. His origins are shrouded in mystery; many believe him to have once been a small boy from Mexico hired to spam blogs for the Bush Campaign in 2000. It’s possible he was a groundskeeper at a Jehovah’s Witness temple in Crawford, Texas, who’d snuck into the pastor’s office to look at kiddie porn and discovered the blogosphere by accident.

Some evidence suggests that he was a small Mexican Jehovah’s Witness kidnapped by the Bush campaign to star in brush-clearing kiddie porn, who escaped his nightmarish existence through a metaphysical transformation involving Cheetos and Mountain Dew.*

Per this story, he was able to accidently upload himself into the global information stream like a cyberpunk character. He has now become a poorly-written cyberpunk character, a sort of Ghost in the Wingnuto-Shell. Gary Ruppert, the wingnut idoru.

Whatever he once was, he has now become The Ruppert. Praise Him!

Other theories are less generous.

Perhaps he is an ineffectual punishment of sorts, the pathetic rebuke of a petulant and powerless God, whining at the upstart mortals with their disrespectful ways, warning of disastrous consequences if we don’t mend our ways. We never do so mend, and the dire results never come.

The fact is, if Gary did not exist, we would have to invent him.

*I hope you’ve learned your lesson, Gavin. There are some forces in this world that humans were not meant to understand. Trifle with them at peril to your sanity and your soul.

Forgive me.

That’s the sort of thing that makes me happy there’s an internet.

http://cheetosrampage.ytmnd.com/

Forgive me.

So, Hillary’s lipstick, eh? I think we knew it’d sink to that.

Andrew Sullivan and I once had a reasonably lengthy e-mail exchange.

It was weird to be “talking” to someone you see on TV.

It was fun because he admitted I was right. Personally, I credit/hold myself responsible for his blogular subtitle, which IIRC quotes Orwell.

Which was the gist of what I was ragging him about.

In Andrew’s defense, he never got all creepy on my or anything, and in fact was quite civil.

Not in the least because he conceded what I was trying to tell him.

I think it was about the war or some such nonsense. It was a while back.

Just be careful who you give your e-mail address to. I participated in a thread over at teh Megatron’s place (you know, back when she was deleting Gavin’s comments about missing punchlines) and used my real, personal e-mail address to comment, and after she’d deleted a few of my comments she emailed me. What the HELL.

Lesson learned, I suppose.

So there!

Ann Althouse is one seriously weird dudette, also for the record. I’m sayin’, what is UP with her?

I never go visit her blog, because from what I’ve picked up everywhere else, and set me straight on this, she wants to be perceived as “liberal,” or at least “centrist,” while mostly just shilling for her own self like a starving hooker and putting forth some sort of Nazi arguments, like against tits and all?

Is that about right?

Althouse goes on to remind people of why Gore lost the election to Bush: his stage makeup made him look like a cheeto.

Christ on a fucking crutch, she’s a law professor & she doesn’t want to admit the Supremes handed it to Bush, it was Gore’s make-up? That’s why he got 500,000 more votes than Bush?