Oct
24
24
Shorter Lowell Ponte
California Fire Raises Many Questions
Above: Readers Digest editor, Libertarian,
‘perhaps the smartest person on radio.’
- Were the California fires set by Islamoterrorists under orders from Osama Bin Laden, or started by an illegal alien’s campfire — or, in fact, are environmentalists and Bill Clinton to blame? Whichever is the case, Democrats have been quick to exploit the fires for cynical, partisan gain.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.
[Hanx! J—]
M. Bouffant said,
October 24, 2007 at 23:01
Damn, you guys are good!! Note time stamp two threads ago:
October 24, 2007 at 22:54
Any suggestions yet from the usual suspects that islamomexiturrists are responsible for the SoCal “fire-nado”?
Preview go bye-bye?
Talk about Sadly, No! Cusomer Service!! And the preview’s back!
Crissa said,
October 24, 2007 at 23:07
Wow, he’s insane.
For every one of his examples, there’s usually a dozen or hundred fires set by someone’s illegal trash dumpster or whatnot.
banana slug said,
October 24, 2007 at 23:10
Wow, that’s just a special meandering kind of stupid, drifting from inane longshot possibility to inane longshot possibility.
To paraphrase a bad joke about new doctors: when he hears hoofbeats outside his window, he thinks he’s about to be attacked by zebras.
Liberal, Islamofascist zebras.
El Cid said,
October 24, 2007 at 23:11
I don’t know, I think this may be my favorite paragraph:
Perhaps global warming could also bring back the conditions which once grew the phytosaurs, plesiosaurs, and tyrannosaurs which wandered Arizona, including the same areas which would one day be Arizona’s Petrified Forest.
Rufus said,
October 24, 2007 at 23:15
AQ#2: Osama, our allies in the Sierra Club have reported that conditions in Southern California are ripe for Operation Unforgettable Fire to be implemented.
OBL: Excellent. Send the signal to our brave jihadi infiltrators to start the conflagrations.
AQ#2: And then, once the fires have been set, we announce that America must convert as one to Islam or else be burned by the flames?
OBL: No, no. We remain quiet. Only our archenemy, Lowell Ponte, will suspect that we are behind the disaster. Then our friends at sadly no dot com will make fun of him. That is how we will acheive our glorious victory.
AQ#2: Huh???
tigrismus said,
October 24, 2007 at 23:17
Wow, those crazy eyes follow me no matter which why I move - SPOOKY.
tigrismus said,
October 24, 2007 at 23:18
Way, dammit, way!
Sadly, Cambridgeport said,
October 24, 2007 at 23:21
Haha, look at the look on his face! He looks like someone just stuck an ice cube up his anus.
Oh right, judge him for his words
[judging, judging...]
Doodle-bean said,
October 24, 2007 at 23:35
Hey, Cambridgeport Sadly,
Here’s a sample you could judge:
Now we have become fire-burned experimental animals for left-wing firebrands… completely not named nor described in this article!
Almost as good a completely unfounded conclusion as those made by Alec “Crazy Neck” Rawls, eh?
Gundamhead said,
October 24, 2007 at 23:37
Gah! That guy’s got psycho eyes almost as creepy as those Romney boys.
HumboldtBlue said,
October 24, 2007 at 23:39
“Although a new Osama bin Laden video was issued at almost exactly the same time these fires began, and might have contained a coded command to his operatives to carry out planned arsons, it makes sense that al-Qaida has claimed no credit for the fires.”
Right, Osama made sure his secret operatives got the word to set the fires, and of course, to also keep mum about the whole thing.
That way, they can assure the blame falls where it should, on the dirty fucking hippies, teh gays, libtards and umm, anyone who thinks Keith Olbermann is cool.
So there you have it folks, it’s all so easy when you break it down scientifically.
t4toby said,
October 24, 2007 at 23:45
Damn you, Sadly, No!
I should just come over to y’alls house and let you urinate upon me. Because that is the effect that reading these wingnut screeds is having on me.
Utter degeneration.
Herr Doktor Bimler said,
October 24, 2007 at 23:53
You have been mislead. That cannot possibly be a real photograph of Lowell Ponte. Surely it is a Terry Gilliam cartoon.
I keep moving the cursor around on the screen, expecting the eyes to follow it.
a different brad said,
October 25, 2007 at 0:01
That was just….. wow. Cokehead wingnuts are frightening.
Hoosier X said,
October 25, 2007 at 0:02
Dude, the whole coterie of conservative commentators is like a Terry Gilliam cartoon.
Well, Malkin’s more like something from Giger. And Ann Coulter frequently looks like a Klimt creation.
But Limbaugh? A Gilliam cartoon? Spot on!
fluffy said,
October 25, 2007 at 0:05
Sounds like we need Islamo-Warmist Awareness Week.
Son Of Slam said,
October 25, 2007 at 0:10
I.. I… I thought you were exaggerating.
Smiling Mortician said,
October 25, 2007 at 0:13
Not to pile onto a common theme or anything, but to steal from Robin Williams, that guy’s eyes are screaming Helter-Skelter.
Notorious P.A.T. said,
October 25, 2007 at 0:26
I just spilled water on myself. Al-Qaeda has not taken credit. Damn you, al-Qaeda, for causing me to spill water on myself!
GotDaFeevah said,
October 25, 2007 at 0:54
My dad is a Forester/Arborist/Plant Pathologist and he says that the type of plantlife in that area is of a sort that has a natural burning cycle. Lots of the plants have to burn to reproduce. They have been supressing fires in the area for so long that it was only a matter of time til something like this happenned.
Of, course, that does not make it any less tragic. My comment is also not at all funny. Sorry about that.
Just bringin’ the science.
MrWonderful said,
October 25, 2007 at 1:10
Plus, GotDa, big rains two years ago caused much plant growth–I see I’m
starting to sound like Tonto. I’ll start again.
Big rains come bunch moons ago. Much plant life grow big. Big! In chapparral or Chaps Apparel or however spell.
Then: come the time of no (or not much) rain. Sun bring heat. Hot yes, but it dry heat. Big plant life get dry. Want burn!
Mohammedan sneak Bad Man come. Cross border like Mexican but not Mexican! Bad Man want spread Mohammed god by not tell. Make big terror by not tell! White Man think fire come from welders/downed power lines/secret arson. Not tell for glory of Mohammed god.
Everyone fear Mohammedan Bad Man because not know he
Huh. Not make sense.
Forget say anything.
HumboldtBlue said,
October 25, 2007 at 1:12
I thinkl OBL, the evil Jihadists from our college campuses and umm … code pink were really behind all of this. I mean, OBL and Al Qaeda could have plants working for them, you know, sagebrush and stuff, and umm, those plants, like, dried themselves out and stuff, and then umm, a code pinko threw a burning cigarette butt on them and stuff, and umm, uhh, then umm we did it for The Eye-rack and South Africa where they, umm, don’t have fire, and so forth.
HumboldtBlue said,
October 25, 2007 at 1:13
How say thus?
“Forget say anything.”
mikey said,
October 25, 2007 at 1:28
Man, I can’t wait to see the paranoia coming from this assclown if the Rockies come back to denver up 2-0.
bin Laden for SURE!!
mikey
mikey said,
October 25, 2007 at 1:29
Butcha know, if I could make my hair do that, I’d even consider cutting a couple feet of it off…
mikey
Hysterical Woman said,
October 25, 2007 at 1:37
Some liberal say that this plague is caused by having the latrines next to the wells, but we know that it’s caused by Jewish poison!
Hoosier X said,
October 25, 2007 at 1:52
I remember when I was a kid and we all got the measles, and it turned out it was the Jews poisoning the wells. Good times! Thanks for the memories, Hysterical Woman.
M. Bouffant said,
October 25, 2007 at 2:57
Yes, it certainly would’ve taken a “coded command” from Bin Laden, ’cause no one could’ve figured out that it’s hot, dry & windy as fuck here in SoCal, except “Oxford-educated engineer” Bin Laden.
cokane said,
October 25, 2007 at 3:19
debate from the wingnuts has reached a new lowell ponte
Shell Goddamnit said,
October 25, 2007 at 5:32
Well that was horrible. I too thought you were exaggerating.
The Sierra Club slur - as I understand it the whole “illegal aliens” thing was a power play by a bunch of nativists to get their hands on the endowment. IIRC there was documentation thereof.
But of course this dickweed will spew that same slander forever & ever on every possible occasion. I bet each one of his columns has approximately the same goddamn villains every time, but I haven’t got the stones to read any more of them to find out. I fear for my health - that amount of shit just can’t be good for a person.
g said,
October 25, 2007 at 5:34
I’m sure that Al Qaeda considers the victorious destruction of the LG Party House on Malibu Colony Beach a triumphant strike against the decadence of the West.
g said,
October 25, 2007 at 5:37
Sorry - Linky:
LG Party House burns
Anne Laurie said,
October 25, 2007 at 7:21
Butcha know, if I could make my hair do that, I’d even consider cutting a couple feet of it off…
Two words, Mikey: Styling Product. Myself, I wouldn’t risk it; I have a theory that the fumes from the plasticizing chemicals are partially responsible for Teh Crazy staring out of these guys’ eyes. Besides, nobody except this year’s Mrs. Trump really likes her man’s hair to chime like crystal when you touch it.
alec said,
October 25, 2007 at 8:30
Evidently the people at Fox are up to it too:
orz
RandomObserver said,
October 25, 2007 at 9:19
Damn you Osama, wasn’t killing Corey Lidle enough?
Sarcastro said,
October 25, 2007 at 15:45
Some have been quick to exploit the fires.
Now that took some balls to write immediately after exploiting the fires to blame dirty mezkins and teh islamo-fascistas.
Pvt. Joker said,
October 25, 2007 at 16:23
A recent major blaze in Arizona was set by an unemployed firefighter who saw firebuggery as a great way to get re-hired and make money.
Was he buggering fires or buggering with fire? Either way, how bloody awful!
DocAmazing said,
October 25, 2007 at 17:31
The photo clears everything up.
Once Big Boy got tired of standing around outside chain burger outlets, he put on a tie and got a job in radio.
This is exactly the writing one would expect from a large plaster-and-fiberglass advertising statue.
Only question: Is he still wearing checkered pants?
jenl1625 said,
October 25, 2007 at 18:11
Okay, so it was terrorists, but it was illegal aliens, but it was arson, but it only succeeded because of Bill Clinton’s environmental policy, as exemplified by something that happened “a couple of years ago.” I guess the Clinton presidency was more recent than I thought it was.
And by the way, it’s those who point out that the National Guard is on the other side of the world, therefore unavailable for firefighting, who are “exploiting” this fire for political gain. Those who (without any evidence whatsoever) claim that these fires are proof that Osama is still a threat to America today are only selflessly sacrificing themselves to save America - no exploitation involved . . . .
Smiling Mortician said,
October 25, 2007 at 18:16
Only question: Is he still wearing checkered pants?
OK, so he’s not much of a writer, but back in the day he made some mean clam strips. Credit where it’s due.
mikey said,
October 25, 2007 at 19:07
I expect to hear george bush say today:
“So, which of those wildfires in California would you prefer we NOT fight?”
mikey
MCH said,
October 25, 2007 at 19:30
Ponte’s very being helps explain how that odd, repressed paranoia that runs through Reader’s Digest seems to have only gotten more odd and paranoid over the years. RD is such a strange little magazine, so naively thinking that all America is small-town goodness and whatever isn’t is all the fault of elitists, liberals and foreigners. The worldview is so hermetically all-encompassing that implied political and religious viewpoints– and the implied assumption of the reader’s viewpoints– leak into almost every piece. (Even the jokes and recipes, half the time.)
But the forced wholesomeness of the rag, its too-folksy tone, its low reading level (everyone’s Grandma dropped out of fourth grade during the Dust Bowl, didn’t they?) and its aforementioned almost-cute naivete all conspire to remove the burn of Teh Stupid within. Instead, one smiles warmly and almost wants to hug its readers, and pat their hands while softly saying “Now, now. There, there.”
ortho_bob said,
October 25, 2007 at 19:31
Ah yes, the King Abdulaziz University in leafy, tranquil Oxford where Bin Laden did his MSc in Setting Fire To Trees.
Rightwingsnarkle said,
October 25, 2007 at 19:33
“He looks like someone just stuck an ice cube up his anus.”
Well, an ice cube up his ass would probably make his hair stand straight up. Since others have already commented on his coif, I’ll focus my own observations on the substance of his arguments.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I got nothing.
Legalize said,
October 25, 2007 at 20:11
“Although a new Osama bin Laden video was issued at almost exactly the same time these fires began, and might have contained a coded command to his operatives to carry out planned arsons, it makes sense that al-Qaida has claimed no credit for the fires.”
You see?! The fact that AQ has not claimed credit for the fires PROVES that AQ might have set the fires. Thus, serious people must speculate as to that fact.
rasta man said,
October 25, 2007 at 22:02
These people never cease to amaze me with their paranoia and unprecedented stupidity. And they don’t even smoke pot!
Anne Laurie said,
October 25, 2007 at 22:10
These people never cease to amaze me with their paranoia and unprecedented stupidity. And they don’t even smoke pot!
In the spirit of bonding with their Red State fellows, they’re doing crystal meth insted.
Duros62 said,
October 25, 2007 at 22:31
Were the California fires set by Islamoterrorists under orders from Osama Bin Laden, or started by an illegal alien’s campfire — or, in fact, are environmentalists and Bill Clinton to blame?
Oh, for fuck sake….
inkadu said,
October 26, 2007 at 6:29
And by the way, it’s those who point out that the National Guard is on the other side of the world, therefore unavailable for firefighting, who are “exploiting” this fire for political gain.
Exactly. Because the National Guard is fighting fires in Iraq so they don’t have to fight them here at home.
Lazy bastards.
Flag Pin said,
October 26, 2007 at 7:32
WT effin fucking F?