Oct
9

Fundies In Their Undies, Pt. Infinity-Kabillion




Posted at 23:44 by Gavin M.

Police: No foul play in Aldridge’s death
October 9, 2007

Police have closed their investigation into the death of the Rev. Gary Aldridge.

Detectives determined that no foul play existed in the case and therefore no crime had been committed, according to a news release from the Montgomery Police Department.

Aldridge, 51, was found dead inside his home about 10 a.m. June 24. He had served as pastor of Thorington Road Baptist Church since 1991.

Forensic results indicate Aldridge was alone at the time of his death, the police release states. A report by the Alabama Department of Forensic Sciences states the final pathological diagnoses for Aldridge’s death as “accidental mechanical asphyxia,” according to the release.

Montgomery County District Attorney Ellen Brooks had sealed the Aldridge case after an initial autopsy conducted by Dr. Stephen Boudreaux, a medical examiner, was sent to Forensic Sciences on July 13. Boudreaux’s report stated Aldridge died of asphyxiation and there were no injuries to his body.

Well, that’s sort of a polite way to put it. In fact, here are some relevant details on the death of Aldridge, a Liberty University graduate and former Jerry Falwell employee:

Dead Reverend’s Rubber Fetish
Autopsy: Pastor found in wet suits after autoerotic mishap

OCTOBER 8–An Alabama minister who died in June of “accidental mechanical asphyxia” was found hogtied and wearing two complete wet suits, including a face mask, diving gloves and slippers, rubberized underwear, and a head mask, according to an autopsy report.

Investigators determined that Rev. Gary Aldridge’s death was not caused by foul play and that the 51-year-old pastor of Montgomery’s Thorington Road Baptist Church was alone in his home at the time he died (while apparently in the midst of some autoerotic undertaking). While the Montgomery Advertiser, which first obtained the autopsy records, reported on Aldridge’s two wet suits, the family newspaper chose not to mention what police discovered inside the minister’s rubber briefs.

Because, okay, you totally don’t even have to click that link, either.

Two wetsuits?

175 Comments »

  1. mikey said,

    October 9, 2007 at 23:50

    Wow. That’s just plain way too much work, no matter what the payoff.

    This dude is six ways weirder than my ex wife…

    mikey

  2. Gundamhead said,

    October 9, 2007 at 23:53

    A fundie who denounces “perversion” while being a rubber fetishist pervo himself? Enough with you anti Christian bias! we all know that that never happens in real life!

  3. Rufus said,

    October 9, 2007 at 23:57

    So, he was able to hogtie himself? That was the waste of real talent.

  4. Kyso K said,

    October 9, 2007 at 23:58

    If anyone can answer the question (why) two wetsuits?! please do, because I would love to hear the reasoning behind that.

  5. OneMan said,

    October 10, 2007 at 0:00

    I’m with Rufus: How tf did he tie his own hands to his feet…behind his back?

    Maybe he asked Jebus to help.

  6. Douche Baggins said,

    October 10, 2007 at 0:01

    From the linky:

    “There is a dildo in the anus covered with a condom.”

    Uh, what? Nothing to see here, just move along…

  7. zsa said,

    October 10, 2007 at 0:02

    If you read the smoking gun link, he had a dildo up his arse with a condom on it.

    That’s what I’d like to know … why a condom?

  8. pinson said,

    October 10, 2007 at 0:03


    Kyso K said,

    October 9, 2007 at 23:58

    If anyone can answer the question (why) two wetsuits?! please do, because I would love to hear the reasoning behind that.

    Heavy surf that day!

  9. islmfaoscist said,

    October 10, 2007 at 0:03

    Immediately following his death, church officials issued a press release asking community members to “please refrain from speculation” about what led to Aldridge’s demise

    It would be irresponsible not to speculate. Since I’m not a member of his community, I’ve got the green light.

    I speculate there was a friend involved, who boogied in a hurry when the good pastor stopped playing.

  10. mikey said,

    October 10, 2007 at 0:05

    That’s what I’d like to know … why a condom?

    Umm, because they’re made of RUBBER??

    Sheesh…

    mikey

  11. Ian said,

    October 10, 2007 at 0:06

    When I read: “alone at the time of his death” and “accidental mechanical asphyxia”, I automatically interpolated: “auto-erotic” and thought I had it all figured out. But then came: “found hogtied and wearing two complete wet suits, including a face mask, diving gloves and slippers, rubberized underwear, and a head mask”.

    These people can even snuff themselves in ways that are beyond parody. I mean, where do you go from here?

  12. Gundamhead said,

    October 10, 2007 at 0:07

    “That’s what I’d like to know … why a condom?”

    I bet it made him feel all dirty and sinful. Condoms are evil after all.

  13. Felix Moronia said,

    October 10, 2007 at 0:08

    I’m scratching my head wondering what scripture study course a Liberty U. requires that kind of equipment? Revelations?

  14. Lesley said,

    October 10, 2007 at 0:10

    How do you get one wet suit on over another? He must have needed a hell of a lot of K-Y for that.

  15. MrWonderful said,

    October 10, 2007 at 0:10

    Oh, come on. You people. Look:

    NOSE: The nose is unremarkable.

    What more do you want?

  16. Lesley said,

    October 10, 2007 at 0:11

    found hogtied and wearing two complete wet suits, including a face mask, diving gloves and slippers, rubberized underwear, and a head mask”.

    That’s a Far Side cartoon right there.

  17. tigrismus said,

    October 10, 2007 at 0:12

    what scripture study course a Liberty U. requires that kind of equipment?

    Book of Jonah.

  18. Lesley said,

    October 10, 2007 at 0:14

    no wonder these people speak in tongues. all you could manage in two wet suits with a dildo up your backside would be gibberish.

  19. J— said,

    October 10, 2007 at 0:14

    …Two wetsuits?

    And one yellow metal ring intact on left ring finger.

    Also, what kind of wetsuits were they—a Farmer John, a Steamer perhaps? These details are important!

  20. Kevin Bacon Holding A Short Roll Of Playdoh said,

    October 10, 2007 at 0:18

    Well, having hovered around the fringes of the BDSM scene, I can answer some of those questions; the condom because they are often lubricated and just the softness compared to a dildo, and that rubber can strech and deform easily will lessen some of the risk of tearing of the anal wall, or risk of piles from squeeze, squeeze, squeezing on something quite hard is a sensible precaution. More modern dildos are usually rubber surfaced these days but if he was using an older, pure plastic one… that’s probably why the condom.

    And from what I’ve heard from those into it, but never directly experienced, there are certain knots which will tighten when pressure is put in one direction, but release fully when it travels in the other… what happens in accidents like these is the person is leaning into the direction of tightening, but slip out of balance and can’t recover position quick enough to prevent losing consciousness… and the ropes do the rest. I’ve had an ex-girlfriend who used to be able to tie herself into a spread eagle pattern like that for solo play, and I’ve heard of a few claims of people who could hogtie themselves… someone like Houdini certainly could perform amazing contortions with ropes around any part of his body, whether he could see them or not… so I believe it’s possible, but probably pretty rare to go that far. And as God is no doubt telling our Preacher Pal right at this very moment, even rarer to be able to do it safely.
    Regarding the two suits, I’m guessing it’s either an increase in constrictiveness (the outer tightens onto the inner which also tightens onto him) or possibly it’s temperature related; two suits will be hotter and sweatier and harder to breathe in than one. Or he just wanted the maximum rubber as possible.

  21. t4toby said,

    October 10, 2007 at 0:23

    How can ‘no foul play’ be involved?

    I’m calling bullshit on the ‘he hogtied himself’ meme. There was certainly someone else involved. I think, even more interesting than the anus/condom question, is who are they covering for by claiming he did this alone?

    What closet cases does Alabama have in the Senate?

  22. Lesley said,

    October 10, 2007 at 0:26

    Regarding the two suits, I’m guessing it’s either an increase in constrictiveness (the outer tightens onto the inner which also tightens onto him) or possibly it’s temperature related; two suits will be hotter and sweatier and harder to breathe in than one.

    Geez, if he’d survived he might be in three, four, or five suits today.

    And as God is no doubt telling our Preacher Pal right at this very moment, even rarer to be able to do it safely.

    Um, in this case shouldn’t it be guy below stairs with the spiky tail and horns?

  23. RobNYNY said,

    October 10, 2007 at 0:31

    Another possible reason for the condom on the dildo is that he might share it with someone else. Safer sex.

  24. Continuing On The Sexual Fetishishes Of The Right Theme… « Beware The Man said,

    October 10, 2007 at 0:36

    [...] Christ, what is the religious right now?  Some sort of breeding ground for sexual hypocrites and we… [...]

  25. Leonard Pierce said,

    October 10, 2007 at 0:37

    asking community members to “please refrain from speculation” about what led to Aldridge’s demise

    You know, really, no speculation is necessary.

  26. Sadly, Cambridgeport said,

    October 10, 2007 at 0:45

    I dunno guys… ever since I came out and moved to Cambridge it’s all “everything closes at two” and “do you want kids someday?”

    I’m considering going back in the closet and moving south. Seems to be where all the fun is.

  27. John O said,

    October 10, 2007 at 0:46

    My goodness, the things people will do to get themselves off.

    I’m 48, and I can still work the first girlfriend in my own mastubatory fantasies. And this was VERY vanilla stuff. But it was exciting.

    I speculate that one doesn’t just kill themselves doing this the first time; no, he had to work up to it because the old boring “regular” stuff, your standard humiliation/rubber fantasy, just wasn’t working for him anymore. Rubber being a gateway drug and all. I picture him starting with just the mask and gloves.

    Wow. The things I learn on this site. Fantastic, save for the fact that rubber and condom-encased dildos up my ass just doesn’t do it for me. C’mon, can’t we have a fundie who has moral fantasies, like me?

  28. Herr Doktor Bimler said,

    October 10, 2007 at 0:49

    How can ‘no foul play’ be involved?
    The Montgomery Police Department were misquoted. On the phone they said “no fowl play”, in their relief that the tragic events were not a repeat of the previous month’s notorious “sauce for the gander” episode.

  29. John O said,

    October 10, 2007 at 0:51

    And I agree with many of the commenters here, it is very unlikely to me that he was alone.

    I like to play Fantasy Politics on my site, the last one involving Larry Craig taking it to the GOP with the threat of, “Do you really want me to speak to this under oath?” theme.

    Looking at Mitch, glancing at Graham, and laughing inside all the way to the end of his term. Larry Craig’s public humiliation by the GOP is OVER.

  30. Matt T. said,

    October 10, 2007 at 0:56

    I’m with mikey. The explination as to the whys for all that equipment provided by Kevin Bacon (etc. etc.) make perfect sense, and my meager experience with the BDSM has been telling a couple people “thanks, but no thanks”. But whatever pulls your particular little red wagon, have fun, though there is a warning to be taken from the preacher’s tragic tale.

    Still, that seems like a helluva lot of work just to bust a nut. And it has got to eat up your evenings, man. Little lotion, some Kleenex, and a copy of the Sears catelouge, and you’ve got the rest of the night free for backgammon.

    Getting that second wetsuit on must’ve taken a while.

  31. Jon H said,

    October 10, 2007 at 1:01

    I suppose if he tied a length of cord to his wrists, with a foot or two of slack between them, then put his arms behind his back, and got on his stomach, it would be possible to easily wrap a turn or two of cord around each ankle. The result would be a hog-tied-ish situation, without having any knots or being so firmly tied that a second person would have to be involved.

    When he got ‘into distress’, it could still be difficult to get out of that position if he paniced, especially if he was asphyxiating.

  32. John O said,

    October 10, 2007 at 1:02

    Right on, Matt.

    You’ve got to be a Superfreak to bother with that second wet-suit.

  33. MzNicky said,

    October 10, 2007 at 1:04

    Oh, come on, guys. This is pathetic. Yeah yeah, wingnut godbags are risible hypocrites, sometimes found dead and hogtied and with rubber-encased dildos in their butts while wearing rubber suits. Okay, sometimes in two rubber suits. What else is new?

    In addition, may I just say, I always loved me some Paul Revere and the Raiders. Teh HOT when one was female and 14 years old back in the old days. No Beatles, but still. Yowsa.

  34. J— said,

    October 10, 2007 at 1:06

    Pam Spaulding points out dildos are banned in Bama.

  35. tb said,

    October 10, 2007 at 1:08

    the condom because they are often lubricated and just the softness compared to a dildo, and that rubber can strech and deform easily will lessen some of the risk of tearing of the anal wall

    See, this is why I hate S&M people- 90% of the reason they do it is so they can blandly talk about shit like the best means of avoiding “anal rupturing” and be all hardcore and feel like they’re really freaking out the normal people. I mean don’t be an asshole: if you’re going to do a bunch of weird unnecessary shit, at least act like you enjoy it for fuck’s sake.

  36. Lesley said,

    October 10, 2007 at 1:11

    Rubber being a gateway drug and all. I picture him starting with just the mask and gloves.

    Bahaha. This thread will be the gift that goes on giving.

    What this country needs is a war on rubber. The Republicans already have a war on rubbers going on…

  37. zsa said,

    October 10, 2007 at 1:13

    t4t,

    What closet cases does Alabama have in the Senate?funny you should ask

  38. tbogg said,

    October 10, 2007 at 1:14

    Wait. Isn’t this how everyone celebrates George Pataki’s birthday?

  39. John O said,

    October 10, 2007 at 1:15

    Well, Lesley, we know the authoritarian wing (a.k.a., Republican party) of the country loves them some wars! As long as they don’t have to fight them, of course.

    I’m going to the wall if the declare war on semi-public sex, dammit.

  40. Hysterical Woman said,

    October 10, 2007 at 1:18

    Also, some sort of dildos are hard or impossible to clean so you need a condom. But those tend to be the cheaper ones, and if you can shell out the money for two wetsuits, you should buy a better dildo.

    Also, you should have someone else in the room, if only so they can take off the wetsuits and dildos so you can have some dignity in death.

  41. Lesley said,

    October 10, 2007 at 1:19

    I speculate that he cut two holes in the wetsuits so he could breath and the dildo blocked the air flow.

  42. Kevin Bacon Holding A Short Roll Of Playdoh said,

    October 10, 2007 at 1:19

    Um, in this case shouldn’t it be guy below stairs with the spiky tail and horns?

    No, he gets all the best tunes, as well as some of the second rank Doors imitators like Jim Morrison. God get’s all the Holy Rollers, because it’s just not as exciting unless they think the ultimate Sky Daddy might catch them in the act… and he’s just the sort of God who likes to keep peeking into bedrooms (or the Garden of Eden) to catch you at it. Everyone wins this way.

    And T4Toby, every person ever hanged on the gallows was hung effectively on their own… apart from our faithful friend gravity, natch. What you are assuming though is that he tied his hands himself. Maybe, maybe not… some people can do it, but he doesn’t personally need to. The same mechanism of gravity would tighten a noose around his hands as well as his neck.

    So, notice it’s mechanical asphyixiation in this case. Little bit more complicated than leaning your throat onto the clothes line, but only the simplest of mechanical work needs to be understood to work out how to go from there to hogtying yourself… let’s say he had a small see-saw (or stair-lift, anything at all which moves along the plain of gravity will do), which at the flick of a switch tilted his body over here. Body weight shifts, gravity takes over, ropes tighten. Around hands and neck. Flick it back, ropes loosen, knots undo, wet suit needs cleaning again. But get it wrong, slip off the chair, find the switch fails, or you just can’t reach it, and the noose and the knot stay tight, and will remain so until the police eventually find your corpse. Still hogtied without any outside intervention.

    Incidentally, in the interests of “research”, I rummaged out (“The next door neighbours” – Ed.) stash of BDSM porn. You’ll find a lot of vibro/condom work involved there too. Just common sense really, if you’ve ever explored that side of life, and unlike using liquid lubrication, you don’t end up with Santorum everywhere afterwards.

  43. El Cid said,

    October 10, 2007 at 1:21

    It is unfortunate that liberals forced this man into these activities by pressuring the U.S. to legalize gay marriage.

  44. Doodle Bean said,

    October 10, 2007 at 1:22

    Damn you, Gavin! You killed the Smoking Gun’s hamsters!

  45. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    October 10, 2007 at 1:22

    Pirates! Dancing girls! Boobies!

    What’s not to like about teh Raiders?

  46. John O said,

    October 10, 2007 at 1:22

    ROTFL, Lesley.

  47. tbogg said,

    October 10, 2007 at 1:29

    Also, some sort of dildos are hard or impossible to clean so you need a condom.

    Isn’t that what dishwashers are for? Top rack, and keep them away from the good china…

  48. Matt T. said,

    October 10, 2007 at 1:30

    It is unfortunate that liberals forced this man into these activities by pressuring the U.S. to legalize gay marriage.

    This is Alabama. He was probably driven insane by the total lack of big honkin’ slabs of rock with The Ten Commandments chisled on them placed on the courthouse square.

  49. AkaDad said,

    October 10, 2007 at 1:30

    If anyone can answer the question (why) two wetsuits?!

    I wear two wetsuits just in case the first one falls off…

  50. John O said,

    October 10, 2007 at 1:33

    Set your dishwashers to “sanitize.”

    I don’t have a lot of experience with dildos, sadly, but what kind are there that are hard to clean, exactly, and why would anyone buy/steal/borrow a “hard to clean” dildo?

    That just seems like trickle-down economics to me. A bad idea from the get-go.

  51. Lesley said,

    October 10, 2007 at 1:34

    let’s say he had a small see-saw (or stair-lift, anything at all which moves along the plain of gravity will do), which at the flick of a switch tilted his body over here. Body weight shifts, gravity takes over, ropes tighten. Around hands and neck. Flick it back, ropes loosen, knots undo, wet suit needs cleaning again.

    I can’t help thinking of Wallace and Grommit’s various contraptions in A Grand Day Out. Of course, that was family entertainment.

  52. ed said,

    October 10, 2007 at 1:38

    You had me at “There is a dildo in the anus covered with a condom.”

  53. AkaDad said,

    October 10, 2007 at 1:45

    BTW, why are all these Republicans choosing to be gay?

  54. Doodle Bean said,

    October 10, 2007 at 1:49

    Let’s not forget the “grossly unremarkable” line. I’m using it in conversation tomorrow.

  55. John O said,

    October 10, 2007 at 1:51

    HEY, AkaDad! There is NO evidence that this man was gay!

    Sure, there is induction and deduction, but that just doesn’t play with right-thinking Republican theocrats!

    And also, not that there’s anything wrong with that!

  56. Kevin Bacon Holding A Short Roll Of Playdoh said,

    October 10, 2007 at 2:08

    I mean don’t be an asshole: if you’re going to do a bunch of weird unnecessary shit, at least act like you enjoy it for fuck’s sake.

    You don’t even need to try, my friend. Because you don’t have a clue why BDSM people do it. Let me give you a little tip… at no point in the sex act are they going “Oh god, yes, yes, YES THIS’LL FREAK TB OUT.” Or freak anyone else out for that matter. Some people find rubber a turn on. Some people find pain a turn on. It’s as necessary to the act of mating as stockings or breasts, or building a particularly impressive nest , or anything else that creatures all across this earth think “sexiness” involves… In otherwords, it’s not unless you enjoy it, because you wouldn’t do it if it was all the excitement of building an Ikea wardrobe, and insert tab A into Slot B otherwise.
    And they aren’t going to phrase those turn ons in ways you personally find acceptable either. It would be like shouting “THIS SEX MEETS WITH MY GRANDADS APPROVAL!” at climax. Not many people find such language communicates the concept of getting hot, y’see. Blaspheming against the Holy Father maybe, but not “This Orgasm Guaranteed By TB’s Quality Control”. The only reason it’s extreme or weird (but only to you) is because that’s part of the nature of the beast… the sex is whatever the sex is. And that’s in the mind. We could discuss romantic moments instead; and you’ll find those times are couched in terms of hands held, flowers exchanged, little words that have private meaning between two people… words which also won’t be necessary in the ways you feel they should be again because that’s the nature of that beast too. It’s always personal, and unless you speak that personal language, you don’t have a clue what you are talking about I’m afraid. Do BDSM peeps enjoy such sex? Hell yeah… you don’t believe that though because you don’t have the slighest clue what language they use to express that enjoyment… but oh how they are when you take the time to learn it. Perhaps no more, but certainly no less than any other acceptable couple you could chose as a rolemodel. But perhaps not as much as Republican Preachers seem to do, it’s true. His sex is to die for.

    And… it’s also rather polite, wouldn’t you say, to also not ignore the practical consequences of sticking things into each other’s bodies? Just because you don’t know, and don’t want to know why you should consider using a condom in certain circumstances doesn’t mean we should all be quiet just to avoid hurting your delicate sensitivity. You’re not volunteering for a practical demonstraion anyway.

    In fact; look at it like this… hypocrisy or not, if our Preaching pal hadn’t had to hide his sexuality so much, if someone else had been in that room with him, or if he’d reached out to asphyixiation communities and openly been able to explore the safe limits of his interest, perhaps he wouldn’t now be dead. At the very least, if you had your way, he’d certainly have a very sore ass. Which is probably no more than he deserves. But what about all of those decent, caring, liberal people out there? Are they supposed to have chapped fannies because you’ve got a bee in your bonnet about people being open about the realities of sex? They aren’t shoving it in your face… they just want to tell the truth about what happens when they shove it elsewhere too.

    So get a grip, TB. Use both hands if you feel like it, in fact… it’s all the same in the end.

  57. Galactic Dustbin said,

    October 10, 2007 at 2:08

    If you read the smoking gun link, he had a dildo up his arse with a condom on it.

    That’s what I’d like to know … why a condom?

    Obvously so you dont have to wash the dildo. To many washing will dry it out and make it less realistic….

    What? Quit looking at me…

  58. zsa said,

    October 10, 2007 at 2:10

    Ouch, that link was supposed to be funny you should ask

  59. mikey said,

    October 10, 2007 at 2:15

    Did I ever tell you guys about the little vibrator repair shop I used to run in Sacramento? I saw all sorts of Dildo Damage, from mere bondo work to full-on rebuild.

    Most of the problems related to noise dampening. The buzzing noise is directly related to the intensity of vibration, so dampening the noise without reducing the, er, functionality of the device required some serious ingenuity. I’ll give you a hint to use at home. Folded matchbook cover cardboard and elmers glue.

    The post-repair test runs were always entertaining…

    mikey

  60. caliph garrett said,

    October 10, 2007 at 2:18

    In my view, it is because the people who have rejected a role for twin wetsuits and dildoes in anuses are simply deathly afraid of questions to their sexuality – and sexuality it is, because there is no way to falsify the concept that this autoerotic tableau wasn’t created by Teh Ghey.

  61. Lesley said,

    October 10, 2007 at 2:23

    No offense Kevin Playdoh guy but I’m glad I’m not inclined – or so far beyond the pale – that I’d put my life at risk for an orgasm.

    Bizarre or abnormal appearances aside, this guy was unconsciously suicidal. There’s something deeply wrong with that.

    Now if someone chooses – and I use that word loosely because who knows what went down in their childhoods – to do that and they have no kids to walk in and find them in a wetsuit with a dildo up the arse, all the more power to them. (I feel for the cops who have to contend with a dead body in two wet suits, though.)

  62. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    October 10, 2007 at 2:25

    BTW, why are all these Republicans choosing to be gay?

    Because the islamo-liberal-commie-homo-mexi-fascists keep sucking their cocks, damn them all to Hell!

    In other words, Let’s Get Nuts!

  63. gunner said,

    October 10, 2007 at 2:30

    Damn, that’s tragic. I mean, who among us hasn’t tied themselves up while wearing two wetsuits with a condom-clad dildo up our ass? That could have been you or me. The poor guy.

  64. islmfaoscist said,

    October 10, 2007 at 2:34

    “…if he’d reached out to asphyixiation communities and openly been able to explore the safe limits of his interest…”

    Asphyxiation community members have been asked to refrain from using specula.

  65. Lesley said,

    October 10, 2007 at 2:40

    Speaking of BDDS these Daily Show clips definitely satisfy:
    http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/index.jhtml?ml_video=109240
    http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/index.jhtml?ml_video=111009

  66. Humor Me said,

    October 10, 2007 at 2:44

    Damn, that’s tragic. I mean, who among us hasn’t tied themselves up while wearing two wetsuits with a condom-clad dildo up our ass? That could have been you or me. The poor guy.
    Thanks for interjecting a little sober sentiment, gunner. We should all count our blessings.

  67. Colleen said,

    October 10, 2007 at 2:47

    My two cents, the reason for the condem was he wasn’t alone and the john put the condem on the dildo and then…well, ok, just my two cents.

  68. Herr Doktor Bimler said,

    October 10, 2007 at 3:08

    Did I ever tell you guys about the little vibrator repair shop I used to run in Sacramento?
    Not recently. Did this involve customised paint jobs? Airbrushed flames? Go-faster stripes?

  69. flatfoot said,

    October 10, 2007 at 3:35

    @Kyso K

    If anyone can answer the question (why) two wetsuits?!

    If one wetsuit is slimming- imagine how svelte you look in deuce.

  70. AkaDad said,

    October 10, 2007 at 3:39

    I’m not one for following the crowd or jumping off a bridge because someone else has, but this wetsuit-dildo combo isn’t as enjoyable as I thought it would be…

  71. r€nato said,

    October 10, 2007 at 3:46

    If anyone can answer the question (why) two wetsuits?!

    because even though you’re wearing rubber undies, flippers, a diving mask, diving gloves, you’re hogtied and have a dildo up your bum… if you’re only wearing one wetsuit, that’s just way too vanilla.

  72. Michelle Malkin's Left Testicle said,

    October 10, 2007 at 3:52

    There is a dildo in the anus covered with a condom.

    I didn’t know you could cover an anus with a condom!

    But seriously, folks … is this, perhaps, the fabled enormous, mendacious, disembodied anus?

    Inquiring testicles want to know! Time to pay a visit to the family!!

  73. Jon H said,

    October 10, 2007 at 4:08

    The two wetsuits are because Jesus can’t see through two layers. Thus, the dildo didn’t count.

  74. g said,

    October 10, 2007 at 4:16

    Oh, lord, I can’t stop laughing.

    if you can shell out the money for two wetsuits

    Fuuny, the spouse and were just recently having a conversation about sexual fantasies and the acting-out thereof, and in the conversation the subject arose of the preacher who was recently killed with a shotgun by his wife. Among the mitigating factors brought out at her trial was that she was forced to participate in his supposed perverted sexual fantasies. He forced her to dress up like a hooker. One photo in the newspaper showed a photo of the evidence – a big ole white patent-leather eight-inch high heeled shoe with 3 inch platform soles.

    Now – I’m as open-minded as anyone, but I think if someone made me wear those Ugly-Ass shoes at anytime, not just during sex, I’d either shoot him or beat him to death with the goddam shoe itself.

  75. zsa said,

    October 10, 2007 at 4:18

    Repressed sexuality never ends well.

    You know what’s funny about this? Aside from the dead guy encased in rubber with a plastic dick up his butt, I mean. I think there’s a real difference in how the conservative/religious loons see this and how we assorted moonbats and leftagnards look at it.

    They see a preacher with a sexual problem.

    We see a man with a religious problem.

  76. shane's dentist's attorney's bookie said,

    October 10, 2007 at 4:31

    If anyone can answer the question (why) two wetsuits?!

    If one wetsuit is slimming- imagine how svelte you look in deuce.

    I think flatfoot has got this confused with SlimJeans Theatre’s production of “The Great Escape”.

  77. lj said,

    October 10, 2007 at 4:31

    Okay, I don’t care what the man did. As long as nobody forces me to don a wetsuit and sit in the corner on a lifeguard stand while I watch him hogtie himself, he can do whatever he likes. Private sex — weird or not — is private. What drives me nuts is the hypocrisy. Conservatives go crazy over a blow job or — gasp!– semen on a dress but if you get your jollies by dressing up like Jacque Cousteau with an anal accessory, they all look the other way.

  78. Lesley said,

    October 10, 2007 at 4:55

    I hope this hypocrite’s spirit floated around the room looking down on that rubberized hogged tied mess knowing he couldn’t do a thing to cover it up and make it go away before the cops arrived.

    Karma should suck for some people in the after life.

  79. Nabakov said,

    October 10, 2007 at 5:04

    I blame You Tube myself – that’s really upped the stakes for people looking to become a star on um…Jackass.

  80. Syndicalist said,

    October 10, 2007 at 5:04

    Well, we’re all bound to die some time.

  81. Huffy Henry said,

    October 10, 2007 at 5:13

    All that dancing from teh Paul Revere women is “makin’ my penis soft.” /chappelle

  82. kc said,

    October 10, 2007 at 5:18

    Hey, YOU try walking through a mall hogtied, wearing two complete wet suits, including a face mask, diving gloves and slippers, rubberized underwear, and a head mask . . .

  83. Twisted_Colour said,

    October 10, 2007 at 5:28

    Little lotion, some Kleenex, and a copy of the Sears catelouge

    I’ll let you in on a little secret, Matt. Sears catalogues are out, there’s a new thing called the internets, it’s a series of tubes designed for masturbation and attacking 12-yr-olds.

    Give it a go, it’ll blow your something, something, something………

  84. lobbey said,

    October 10, 2007 at 5:39

    Reminds me of another conservative who tried too hard for an orgasm.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stephen_Milligan

  85. g said,

    October 10, 2007 at 5:51

    That is just fuckin sad.

  86. John Witherspoon said,

    October 10, 2007 at 5:59

    [i]“I suppose if he tied a length of cord to his wrists, with a foot or two of slack between them, then put his arms behind his back, and got on his stomach, it would be possible to easily wrap a turn or two of cord around each ankle.”[/i]

    No way man, hogtying yerself is easy. You just tie your ankles together and leave a long piece of rope at the end of the knot. Then you lie on your stomach and place the rope between your knees (or if yer real dirty, in your butt crack). then comes the only hard part, you tie your wrists together behind your back with another piece of rope. Then you simply grab the other rope from out of your crack, loop it through your wrists, and pull down on it towards your ass until your ankles are near your hands. Then you tie off that rope on itself. The hard part at this point would be working a dildo into your ass.

  87. mikey said,

    October 10, 2007 at 6:17

    Holy shit. It musta took this dood more planning than cheney was willing to commit to the invasion of iraq.

    I know. That’s not saying a great deal. But this? Charlmagne and Roland couldn’t have put that together.

    If they were alone.

    And dildos had been invented.

    I mean, you KNOW the Franks…

    Oh, never mind….

    mikey

  88. gecko1 said,

    October 10, 2007 at 6:24

    So I have no idea about all the BDSM stuff but wetsuits and diving I know. Sounds like a typical cold water two piece wetsuit with a hood. This is called a farmer john and jacket combination. Real old school jackets have a beaver tail. Hmmm, maybe he was looking at a ScubaPro catalog and got the wrong idea? Doesn’t sound old enough to have a Sea Hunt fetish.

  89. Kevin Hayden said,

    October 10, 2007 at 6:38

    Q: Why two wetsuits?

    A: It was cold out.

    Q: That’s what I’d like to know … why a condom?

    A: There’s some things a self-respecting dildo should simply never see.

    Q: The only reason it’s extreme or weird (but only to you)

    A: Okay, it’s not a question, but it’s an opening I can’t resist (and yes, that’s a double weysuit entendre). ‘Fraid not. While I’m a to-each-his-own kinda guy, I’m willing to bet at least 200 million Americans consider it extreme or weird and will spend the rest of teir sexual lives trying NOT to think of Lloyd Bridges felching with Flipper.

    Q: Do you really think this was a mere sexual fantasy played out to a tragic conclusion?

    A: No, actually, this is how you flunk the final at Oral Roberts University. Only the survivors get to hogtie others to REALLY weird ideologies that involve sticking one’s dildo-enhanced asses into the White House.

  90. Herr Doktor Bimler said,

    October 10, 2007 at 6:45

    So which plural is correct — dildos or dildi? This spell-checker doesn’t like either, and my Inner Pedant needs to know. Also, if you encounter a large number of them, is there a collective noun?

    It occurs to me that the guy was just trying to ‘contact his inner child’, in a particularly literal way.

  91. Herr Doktor Bimler said,

    October 10, 2007 at 6:55

    Moreover, I have to say that “mechanical asphyxia” sounds like some variety of early calculator.

    What are these things on your desk, Herr Doktor?

    Oh, just a couple of mechanical asphyxia I bought when the University was clearing out the storeroom. I know you get the same results from an electronic asphyxium, but it doesn’t have the same charm.

  92. comsympinko said,

    October 10, 2007 at 7:05

    We can all learn from this tragedy when it comes to AutoEroAsph…

    Slipknots=Safety, people!

    Now go forth and dress in multiple wetsuits and hogtie yourselves while strangling yourselves to death while masturbating or fucking your version of the Gimp.

    The spirits say it’s a great way to go out.

  93. zsa said,

    October 10, 2007 at 7:10

    Herr Doktor, more like he was getting in touch with his inner Little Mermaid.

  94. tb said,

    October 10, 2007 at 7:24

    So get a grip, TB. Use both hands if you feel like it, in fact… it’s all the same in the end.

    Forget what I said earlier. You can talk about asshole rupturing all you want- just have the decency to stop with the double entendres.

  95. jcricket said,

    October 10, 2007 at 7:25

    Maybe the dildo was made in China and the condom was there to protect against lead paint. Who wants to die of lead poisoning?

  96. montag said,

    October 10, 2007 at 7:48

    One of the first questions to come to mind for me (after “why two wet suits?”) would be: had he been rescued at the last minute, on what would his sermon have been the following Sunday? The Good Samaritan?

    And, since he wasn’t rescued, what was the first thing St. Peter said when he saw this poor soul coming toward him?

    a) “The pool is right behind the recreation hall.”

    b) “We’ve never had a seal impersonator before.”

    c) “What? No ball gag?”

    d) “Man, you’re wearin’ more rubber than an eighteen-wheeler!”

  97. Jambo said,

    October 10, 2007 at 7:50

    I think the collective noun is “a ream of dildos”

  98. Do NOT Click on the Link!!! » Comments from Left Field said,

    October 10, 2007 at 7:55

    [...] found it in this post on Sadly No! (it’s okay to click this link; this is not the one).  It’s the story about the truly [...]

  99. Herr Doktor Bimler said,

    October 10, 2007 at 8:07

    the collective noun is “a ream of dildos”
    He he! Not to mention “A clutch of pearls”.

    And if the speculation up-thread is correct (about the involvement of a friend), then the moral is clear. Safe-words should be easily pronounced through a head-mask, so YHWH is not a good choice.
    Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn! is not particularly practical either.

  100. brendan said,

    October 10, 2007 at 8:09

    Also, if you encounter a large number of them, is there a collective noun?

    A buttload?

    (I like Jambo’s answer better.)

  101. soitnly said,

    October 10, 2007 at 8:15

    Two wetsuits? That’s what? A half inch of rubber? What the hell was he planning on rubbing up against that could get him off through that much neoprene? Freshly washed, shaved and lubed I’m liable to be derailed by a rogue pubic hair.

    Maybe, just maybe, he was demonstrating an extreme amount of caution. You know, the BDSM antithesis of a Yosemite free-climber or something.

    That, or he was just a freak.

  102. cbear said,

    October 10, 2007 at 8:19

    As a certified Dive Master (yeah I know how it sounds in this context). I’m appalled that the good reverend violated the first tenet of safe diving. ALWAYS HAVE A DIVE BUDDY.

    BTW, did anybody happen to notice whether a lobster was mentioned in any of the police or media reports? Cause I’m missing a lobster and he’s kinda special to me. His name is Sparky and he’s got a rather unique talent that me and the boys down at the scuba club discovered one rainy day and….well you get the picture. Sure hope he made it out alive and can find his way home.

  103. Lesley said,

    October 10, 2007 at 10:01

    His favourite movie: The Abyss!
    His favourite tv show: Sea Hunt
    His favourite animal: the Blowfish (you look at that thing and tell me you can’t find some BDSM possibilities)

  104. Syd B said,

    October 10, 2007 at 10:15

    pastors get so much done in a day

    i love my freaky dead pastor

  105. Syd B said,

    October 10, 2007 at 10:24

    Oh boy

    I found a fundie forum discussing the good pastor’s demise:

    He used to lead the singing in Chapel and sang “People Need the Lord” all the time and was famous for trying ot get several thousand college kids to settle down by repeating “Young people” over and over again.

    sounds like a great man – a natural master (dive?)

  106. Syd B said,

    October 10, 2007 at 10:28

    The only gas he needed worry about was that which built up from him dying whilst having an instrument of sin buried deep in his anus.

  107. A Two Wetsuit Kind of Day « GUANO ISLAND said,

    October 10, 2007 at 10:47

    [...] should be a mature adult to read the rest of this – not like these people or these people. While the Montgomery Advertiser, which first obtained the autopsy records, [...]

  108. lobbey said,

    October 10, 2007 at 10:54

    is name is Sparky and he’s got a rather unique talent that me and the boys down at the scuba club discovered one rainy day and….well you get the picture

    that is sick, free the sexually oppressed lobsters from the left wing perversions of PADI!

  109. Qetesh the Abyssinian said,

    October 10, 2007 at 11:07

    lobbey, the habit of dying during dangerous auto-erotic practices would have been invented by the British Conservative Party, if it hadn’t already been invented by the British aristocracy. In fact, it’s been immortalised by one of the finest movies ever made, The Ruling Class. It stars a youthful and massively talented Peter O’Toole as the 14th Earl of Gurney, who becomes the lord after his father, the 13th Earl, hangs himself dressed in a tutu and cavalry jacket. The hanging scene, which is the opening scene of the movie, is a marvellous summary of the foibles of the aristocracy. Black comedy and scathing social satire at its absolute best.

    I gotta say, this thread wins by a buttload.

    What?

  110. Lesley said,

    October 10, 2007 at 11:52

    SidB takes the day with that fundie thread.

    Something tells me it’s going to be a Chuckles the Clown kind of funeral.

  111. Nabakov said,

    October 10, 2007 at 12:32

    “As a certified Dive Master (yeah I know how it sounds in this context). I’m appalled that the good reverend violated the first tenet of safe diving. ALWAYS HAVE A DIVE BUDDY.”

    To which I’d add what was drummed into me, “plan your dive and dive your plan.”

    I do love though the simple bathos of this line in the Autopsy Report.
    “Personal effects: one yellow metal ring intact on left riing finger, one dildo.”

    However I do feel this thread is plumbing new depths quite at odds with Sadly, No’s long tradition of informed, nuanced and even-handed discussion of current events.

    Can I suggest taking Quetsh’s cue and lifting the tone by suggesting some quality artistic diverstissments instead? Like say Robertson Davies’ “The Rebel Angels”, a witty and erudite academic novel that ends with a (male) professor found dead, tied to a chair, dressed as Queen Victoria, with a mouthful of hash cookie and 40 feet of pink ribbon protruding from his rectum. In Canada.

    No? OK, porn movie title time.

    “Dirty Divers”
    “Hotsuits”
    “Rubber Agape”
    “Tight Fit”

  112. alphie said,

    October 10, 2007 at 12:37

    The Alabama state flag looks a lot like a “diver down” flag…x 2.

  113. Nabakov said,

    October 10, 2007 at 12:39

    Alos, that Paul Revere clip’s ace. If only the good pastor had stuck to the classics like high leather boots and go go dancers, he’d still be around to launch a repentant funds drive.

  114. alphie said,

    October 10, 2007 at 12:48

    Actually, the Alabama state flag means “require ass-istance” when hoisted at sea.

    My bad.

  115. Herr Doktor Bimler said,

    October 10, 2007 at 13:13

    I do feel this thread is plumbing new depths
    Nabakov is right. It is time that we asked ourselves, “Does this new depth really need plumbing? Is it really likely that some future diver or spelunker will arrive here and suddenly need hot & cold running water? Or a bidet?”

  116. Alex said,

    October 10, 2007 at 13:17

    Just be glad you’re not a cop: There is decomposition present with insufflation of gas. There is early bloating. There is focal skin slippage. The head is markedly suffused with decompositional changes and purple/green discoloration of skin surfaces

    Inside two wetsuits. Some poor bastard had to unzip the suits. And pull it out.

  117. bjacques said,

    October 10, 2007 at 13:53

    Tell me about it. We could only get *one* wetsuit on the elephant. Didn’t need a dildo, though.

  118. Syd B said,

    October 10, 2007 at 14:18

    Lesley said,

    October 10, 2007 at 11:52

    SidB takes the day with that fundie thread.

    Something tells me it’s going to be a Chuckles the Clown kind of funeral.

    Lesley – Given the wits above me, I don’t deserve such praise, but thank you just the same :)

  119. Nabakov said,

    October 10, 2007 at 14:28

    “Is it really likely that some future diver or spelunker will arrive here and suddenly need hot & cold running water? Or a bidet?”

    Or lashings of talcum powder and some improving literature on 21st century transubstiation practices.

    We all have our own personal rubber Jesus. Let us not mock the late and lamented Pastor Aldridge. There but for the grace of God and a broken webcam link to his safety buddy across town go us*.

    *By “us” I mean you.

  120. gttim said,

    October 10, 2007 at 15:09

    How am I ever going to explain this to the children in the youth choir?

    Did this guy know how to live in God’s grace or what?

  121. MzNicky said,

    October 10, 2007 at 15:29

    bjacques: Now that is the single most uncalled-for image I have seen all week. Please don’t do that anymore. I’m going to hurt myself laughing.

  122. PoliBlog ™: A Rough Draft of my Thoughts » Case Closed on Death of Local Pastor (With a Rather Bizarre Twist) said,

    October 10, 2007 at 15:51

    [...] First, despite one’s politics or religion, it really is unseemly to make fun of the story, despite the absurd (if not comedic on some levels) elements of the situation. However, the fact that event ended in a needless death should drain the humor out of the story. Nonetheless, some have been unable to resist (for example). [...]

  123. Judge Not Lest Ye... said,

    October 10, 2007 at 16:00

    Funny how not one media source has mentioned Gary’s elder brother, Jack Aldridge. Mr. Jack was angry at Gary because of their family estate. I sense Jack was cut out of the will from what I have gathered; he did not even attend Gary’s funeral and was sending Gary threatening emails two weeks previous to Gary’s passing. Not to upset the apple cart here but there is a suspect here who has sufficient motive for committing a henious crime and what better way to embarass your brother who is a minister than to set up a crime scene and MAKE IT LOOK LIKE Gary was into sexual / kinky scenes….me think a few folks to need to lower their proverbial sling shots and send a few sheckles the families way to hire a private investigator. Who knows, maybe the police were paid off to make this whole matter disappear by ‘closing the case’. Time will tell.

  124. Righteous Bubba said,

    October 10, 2007 at 16:30

    Who knows, maybe the police were paid off to make this whole matter disappear by ‘closing the case’.

    Who knows, maybe a bunch of bullshit is the real truth?

    Time will tell.

    I believe it just told.

  125. Brian C.B. said,

    October 10, 2007 at 16:30

    You know what’s really gonna piss off Liberty University? An alum is gonna win this year’s Darwin Award.

  126. Pvt. Joker said,

    October 10, 2007 at 16:39

    His last words were “Juliet Bravo”. Daddy controls your breathing!
    (League of Gentlemen Series 3)

  127. zsa said,

    October 10, 2007 at 16:46

    Has anyone else noticed that we haven’t seen Bruce in quite awhile? Hmmm.

    Judge, I’ll give your suggestion some consideration. However, I have to ask, have you spoken with the authorities about your suspicions? If you have reason to believe a murder has taken place, you have the moral obligation to come forward, and not just, say, post paranoid ramblings on a liberal/commie/islamohooker comedy blog.

    Certainly if the Reverend had enough money to get murdered over, and it would be totally unusual for a person in that position to die intestate (ie he must have had a will), then it seems highly likely the surviving family has enough money to hire an investigator on their own.

    Nice try, though.

  128. zsa said,

    October 10, 2007 at 16:58

    Not to suggest that Bruce and the Rubber Reverend are one and the same. Perish the thought!

    Hell, Bruce wouldn’t leave the house to get the mail in anything less than three wetsuits and two dildos (don’t ask), looking rather like one of those Russian Matryoshka dolls, only a whole lot sweatier and generously smeared with lube.

  129. zsa said,

    October 10, 2007 at 16:59

    Time will tell.

    Don’t hold your breath.

  130. TID said,

    October 10, 2007 at 17:07

    “The reverend accidentally put himself into checkmate while attacking his bishop.”

    Seen in comments to the story in the Mongomery newspaper linked to in the post.

  131. Dan Quayle said,

    October 10, 2007 at 17:47

    So which plural is correct — dildos or dildi?

    You forgot the ‘e’ on the end of ‘dildoe’.

  132. Plummet said,

    October 10, 2007 at 17:51

    zsa said,

    “That’s what I’d like to know … why a condom?”

    Safe Sex ™?

  133. Nabakov said,

    October 10, 2007 at 18:12

    “Who knows, maybe the police were paid off to make this whole matter disappear by ‘closing the case’. ”

    So how much you reckon do you think you’d need to pay a State Department of Forensic Sciences to write this?.

    I only ask because I’m thinking of getting into writing for edgy cable comedy series and wanna get a feel for current market rates.

  134. gttim said,

    October 10, 2007 at 18:32

    Funny how not one media source has mentioned Gary’s elder brother, Jack Aldridge. Mr. Jack was angry at Gary because of their family estate. I sense Jack was cut out of the will from what I have gathered; he did not even attend Gary’s funeral and was sending Gary threatening emails two weeks previous to Gary’s passing. Not to upset the apple cart here but there is a suspect here who has sufficient motive for committing a henious crime and what better way to embarass your brother who is a minister than to set up a crime scene and MAKE IT LOOK LIKE Gary was into sexual / kinky scenes….

    As a triathlete who frequently swims in a wet suit (only for swimming, honest), it is incredibly hard to put one one. Putting two on would be terrible! I cannot even imagine. However, putting two on a dead body would be impossible! And if it was done by a brother, why would he bother using a condom on the dildo? No, the set up would be far too difficult. The reverend was just a pervert.

  135. Marked Hoosier said,

    October 10, 2007 at 18:46

    I bet the dildo had two condoms…

  136. Klein's Tiny Left Nut said,

    October 10, 2007 at 20:02

    I hope I’m not repeating anyone else’s observation, but I would answer the why two wetsuits and a condom inquiry thusly:

    You can’t be too careful.

    I mean obviously he was the proverbial belt and suspenders man.

  137. Righteous Bubba said,

    October 10, 2007 at 20:29

    And if it was done by a brother, why would he bother using a condom on the dildo?

    It was his brother’s dildo and it was too yucky to touch.

  138. Albatross said,

    October 10, 2007 at 21:22

    How does one hogtie oneself? What kind of forensic process concluded that this guy was alone when he was found hogtied? Does the sheriff in that town own a wetsuit, by any chance, and has it gone missing for a while?

  139. KevKev in Apache Junction, Arizona said,

    October 10, 2007 at 21:39

    Christian Clown In Perv Bust
    OCTOBER 10–An Illinois man who worked as a “Christian clown” named Klutzo was arrested yesterday on child pornography charges for allegedly taking naked photographs of young boys at a Philippines orphanage. According to a federal criminal complaint, Amon Paul Carlock took the illicit photos during a “clowning” trip to the House of Joy orphanage earlier this year.
    http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/1010071clown1.html
    KLUTZO’S KORNER
    (A Family Friendly Website)
    http://klutzo.com/
    KLUTZO AT PLAY
    http://klutzo.com/_wsn/page2.html

  140. KevinD said,

    October 10, 2007 at 21:56

    Reminds me of one of my favorite lines from “Fight Club”,”…it’s a dildo. Of course it’s company policy never to, imply ownership in the event of a dildo… always use the indefinite article a dildo, never your dildo.”

  141. AnInGe said,

    October 10, 2007 at 22:18

    Now for the really important question: Now that the coroner has released the body and personal effects, will Mrs. Reverend Aldridge be having a garage sale of slightly used diving equipment and other personal paraphernalia?

  142. actor212 said,

    October 10, 2007 at 23:12

    TID said,

    October 10, 2007 at 17:07

    “The reverend accidentally put himself into checkmate while attacking his bishop.”

    What? No jokes about queens? They’re going to need to catch up down in Bumfuck, AL…

  143. landry said,

    October 10, 2007 at 23:31

    um…i understand 2 wetsuits and a condom
    but 2 ties and 5 belts?!?!?!?
    thats just wrong

  144. Live_AL_ButNotFROMhere said,

    October 10, 2007 at 23:32

    This has been a hilarious read, I had not even heard of this event. and I LIVE in Alabama. Dildos are legal to own, just not the the retail sale, that is illegal. U.S. Supreme Court just declined hearing the case so they remain illegal to sell.

    but since we have a request for a queen joke, all that gear and no lingerie?

    I can hardly get into one wet suit, dove for years, I cannot imagine two.

    Condom, assuming it was anally inserted, is to keep the dildo clean.
    as some have suggested. Some of the better quality latexes are somewhat absorptive(sp?), which can cause stains. see, we really do know how to buttf*ck down here. Classy, huh? I jest.

    When I first read this, what happened, I thought the wet suits were for holding in the farts he wanted to smell as he jerked off. LOL There was another case where some guy had a hose from his ass to his face, different state though(whew!)…LMAO

  145. Lesley said,

    October 10, 2007 at 23:32

    Funny how not one media source has mentioned Gary’s elder brother, Jack Aldridge. Mr. Jack was angry at Gary because of their family estate. I sense Jack was cut out of the will from what I have gathered; he did not even attend Gary’s funeral and was sending Gary threatening emails two weeks previous to Gary’s passing. Not to upset the apple cart here but there is a suspect here who has sufficient motive for committing a henious crime and what better way to embarass your brother who is a minister than to set up a crime scene and MAKE IT LOOK LIKE Gary was into sexual / kinky scenes

    As someone said earlier, this is a ridiculous hypothesis. You’d have to be one strange and sorry nut to struggle two wet suits on to a dead man. I realize some of the parishioners are in extreme denial over their beloved fork-tongued hoser of a pastor, but grow some sense.

  146. isaac said,

    October 10, 2007 at 23:44

    you put your dildo in the washer? that’s just nasty. yeah, i could see the condom on the dildo thing, or maybe he thought it would make him pregnant

  147. Live_AL_ButNotFROMhere said,

    October 10, 2007 at 23:50

    I was actually talking about the quality of the material used to make dildos, when I used the work ‘latex’, not sure what the material is, some can really absorb. and it is not cool having a nice flesh-tone dildo, with a big brown ‘birth-mark’ look on it, especially if you KNOW what caused the stain. LMAO

  148. Live_AL_ButNotFROMhere said,

    October 10, 2007 at 23:53

    just trying to add to the hilarious comments; I’ll stop, its almost 5p in AL anyway.

    I learned all that stuff from a girlfriend, I’ll have you know. LOL

  149. Gary's Brother said,

    October 10, 2007 at 23:59

    Kinky Murder Scene Checklist (2nd Final Draft!!!)

    Dildo
    Chastity belt
    Condom for dildo
    Coconut cream pie
    Blonde cheerleader
    Wet suit
    Another wet suit
    3 dozen soft boiled eggs
    2 ties
    5 belts
    Vintage Wang word-processor
    Rubber mask
    One of my old copies of Rubber Fancier magazine
    Rubber underwear
    Whoopie cushion

  150. Herr Doktor Bimler said,

    October 11, 2007 at 0:26

    “The reverend accidentally put himself into zugzwang while attacking his bishop.”
    It sounds dirtier that way.

  151. Jeff Sessions said,

    October 11, 2007 at 0:42

    funny – he usually wears three wetsuits

    aquaman is a kinky freak – YEOW!

  152. jaho said,

    October 11, 2007 at 2:26

    If only it had been Gary Aldrich, another wingnut with a dildo fetish.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gary_Aldrich

  153. cynthia ackerman said,

    October 11, 2007 at 2:36

    OK, a simple answer to why two wetsuits.

    He’s constricting his blood flow everywhere but his crotch. And his brain.

    Get it?

    All that rubber, all those straps, two ties around his neck — this isn’t a rubber fetish, he’s clamping the blood out of every part of his body that he can reach, SO THAT HE HAS THIS BIG, MASSIVE HARD-ON, and a BIG MASSIVE HEAD-RUSH when he brings himself off. Yes, that’s a lot of work for an orgasm, and as someone said above, that ties up a lot of your evenings. But it’s simply the case that some folks are into the constrictive head-rush. It’s even seen occasionally in straight porn, when one partner chokes the other at climax, and very famously in the serious art film “Swept Away”.

    I have never done any of this stuff myself, and I DEFINITELY do not recommend that anyone dabble in it, but from ample indirect experience I can attest that constrictive erotic head-rush is a potent thing. But far more people die doing this than you may realize — it’s just way too easy to pass out with something tightening around your neck. As someone said above, if you’re going to get into this, look for a partner. Both of you will live longer.

  154. cbear said,

    October 11, 2007 at 7:25

    …..”As someone said above, if you’re going to get into this, look for a partner.”

    Hmmm, sounds like pretty good advice, but one has to wonder how you would broach the subject with a potential dive buddy???

    I mean, let’s say you’re the preacher and spot a likely partner at the prayer service….what the fuck would you open with?
    “Say pal, I notice you’re wearing a divers watch and…well this is going to take a minute or two to explain.”

    Jeebus

  155. Lesley said,

    October 11, 2007 at 10:22

    Gary’s favourite toys in childhood: Gumby and Pokey.

    Btw, that Klutzo clown guy looks like pure undiluted evil. I wouldn’t let him near any living thing.

  156. Tina said,

    October 11, 2007 at 16:43

    But the Devil made him do it…incorrectly!

  157. Bev said,

    October 11, 2007 at 18:46

    At least with the condom we know he was practicing safe sex.

  158. lakritze said,

    October 11, 2007 at 19:33

    Did he have to drive the dildo across state lines? Does this mean if condoms and dildos are outlawed,only assholes will have them?

  159. Rubber Soul « GingerSnaps said,

    October 11, 2007 at 22:34

    [...] at Sadly, No!, one commenter (zsa) really hit the nail on the head for where I believe we are in the general [...]

  160. Zombie said,

    October 13, 2007 at 2:15

    Matt T. Said: “Still, that seems like a helluva lot of work just to bust a nut. And it has got to eat up your evenings, man. Little lotion, some Kleenex, and a copy of the Sears catelouge, and you’ve got the rest of the night free for backgammon.”

    Geez, I’m glad I’m not your lucky lady.

  161. Zombie said,

    October 13, 2007 at 2:16

    As for the condom, it was just so you don’t have to deal with a dirty dildo afterwards. We use condoms in play all the time, it’s pre-lubed and easy clean up. Use some common sense.

  162. Wendy said,

    October 13, 2007 at 15:31

    There’s no way this man could have tied himself up in this manner alone. Someone else had to have either helped him or forced him to be this way. That person left him either dead or to die. Whether an act of criminality or an accident of fetish, someone else was there and contributed to his death. How can these professionals believe he did this all himself? Someone else is responsible. Someone out there may cause this to happen again. They need to pursue it.

  163. Ivory Bill Woodpecker said,

    October 14, 2007 at 6:33

    With apologies to the late, great Rick James:

    He’s a very kinky Rev
    The kind you don’t take home to Mother
    And he will always let his trousers down
    For a rubber fetish scene [oh boy]
    He likes the masks and the gloves
    He likes the dildo up his keister
    If you find him he’ll be wearing two whole wet suits
    And rubber underwear [oh yuck]

    That Rev is pretty kinky
    The Rev’s a super freak
    The kind of Rev you read about
    On sadlyno.com
    That Rev is pretty wild now
    The Rev’s a super freak
    You sure don’t wanna meet him
    He’ll really gross you out

    He’s not right
    He’s not right
    That man is not right in the head
    HEY HEY HEY

    HE’S A SUPER FREAK, SUPER FREAK, HE’S SUPER FREAKY YOW
    TEMPTATIONS SING [oh no oh no oh no oh no oh] :)

  164. tanbark said,

    October 14, 2007 at 17:00

    I think J nailed it. We really need to know more about the neoprene.

    I flashed that it might have been the work of a desperate Jack O’neill, looking for
    wetsuit endorsements, to lock up the xtian surfgroid market.

  165. Righteous Bubba said,

    October 14, 2007 at 17:16

    There’s no way this man could have tied himself up in this manner alone. Someone else had to have either helped him or forced him to be this way.

    Duh. It was God.

  166. preznit giv me turkee said,

    October 15, 2007 at 4:31

    So which plural is correct — dildos or dildi? This spell-checker doesn’t like either, and my Inner Pedant needs to know. Also, if you encounter a large number of them, is there a collective noun?

    dildoes, my dear

    and i believe the collective is “The Bush Administration”

  167. Quasarsphere said,

    December 23, 2008 at 16:26

    Satan: Anyway, it’s not the concept of Hell that’s the problem, it’s you lot. You’re too prolific; you’re breeding faster, you’re sinning faster, you’re even dying faster. And you’re forever inventing more and more ingenuous ways of dying, I mean, first it was dynamite, then cigarettes, then it was feeding diseased sheep to cows, then flying with Aeroflot…

    Professor: Well, we…

    Satan: And have you heard the latest one? Get a load of this, right? In order to achieve the ultimate sexual experience, people have started strangling themselves. Just to try and make the earth move. And it does, usually, it gets shoveled on top of their coffin. All for one more orgasm.

    Professor: Well, I think that’s rather sad.

    Satan: Sad? It’s hilarious! Where’s your sense of humour? I mean there is every possibility that mankind will be the first species to masturbate itself into extinction. Now, you’re not going to tell me that isn’t funny!

    Professor: Oh, but the poor people who do that sort of thing…

    Satan: They’re not poor people who do that sort of thing, they’re rich bored people.

    Professor: Well they’re disturbed, presumably.

    Satan: Well a few of them are disturbed…the rest of them are just found in the morning.

    From the radio series “Old Harry’s Game” written by and starring Andy Hamilton.

  168. sam said,

    September 19, 2009 at 2:56

    Night night
    keep your butthole tight

    HhaAHahAHahHAahHAhaahahhaha

  169. Balloon Juice » Blog Archive » You’ll Get Your Limited Government and You’ll Get It Good and Hard said,

    September 15, 2010 at 4:40

    [...] Christian style, and you’re gonna get it good, you morons- I may even chip in for the wetsuits and dildo for you special cases at Hit and Run. I can’t blame crazy people for being bat shit crazy, [...]

  170. Truth Wins Out - Re: Last Night’s Elections said,

    September 15, 2010 at 13:02

    [...] Christian style, and you’re gonna get it good, you morons- I may even chip in for the wetsuits and dildo for you special cases at Hit and Run. I can’t blame crazy people for being bat shit crazy, but I [...]

  171. ????? said,

    December 31, 2010 at 23:36

    I think J nailed it. We really need to know more about the neoprene.

  172. ipad case said,

    April 23, 2011 at 17:26

    waiting another news about this

  173. Balloon Juice » Whip Me, Beat Me, Call Me Trash said,

    June 30, 2011 at 1:31

    [...] Basically, how long before this asshole goes the two wetsuit and a dildo route? [...]

  174. Stentor said,

    June 30, 2011 at 5:06

    I’d like to know if the good Reverend had a copy of Pulp Fiction in his DVD Player.

    “Wake up the Gimp.”

  175. a friend said,

    November 13, 2011 at 21:32

    there was someone else present
    the police record is sealed
    the cops do know the truth
    and a few people do know the truth because cops talk to other cops

    God rest my friends soul

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