6
Oh My God, You’re Killing Me!
Why, Pastor Swank? Why dost thou persecuteth me?
Greasy Giuliani Slips Through Every Tight Hole
J. Grant Swank, Jr.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no. Why is it that everywhere I look, anymore, I am confronted by stuff like this coming from conservatives and Republicans? Is this Opposite Day? Opposite Month? I just don’t get it. Stuff like this is supposed to be MY line, not Pastor Swank’s line! I can’t even add anything to that.
[Gavin adds: Don't look at me; I don't know how he does it either.]
Because of that, one can never predict Rudy Giuliani’s choices. He is Opportunism Gall personified.
Fact: He vowed to three wives he would love and cherish them till death. Not. Go figure. The man is greased from head to toe.
I am definitely Amusement Laugh personified at this point.
And for the rest….yeah, I know. Giuliani is “greased from head to toe”. My fear at this point is that if Swank keeps making it this easy for us, we are going to find our jobs outsourced to China to a twelve year old who will write snark for one-fortieth the pay.
Therefore, with evangelicals despising him—that is, most of them despise him, give or take a few who don’t know his immoral positions as pro-choice and pro-homosexual—it just could happen that if elected President, Giuliani could come around to “see the Light.” Maybe. A long shot. But. . .
Anything is possible with that slippery one. If it serves his purpose in his moment, he will baptize it as legit. He’s well oiled. He’s old enough to have crafted the style to its shiny surface.
I don’t want to know about Giuliani being well oiled. I really don’t. If this makes me intolerant, than so be it. As far as the rest of it goes…It appears that the Swankster has been brushing up on his Engrish. Perhaps he should recommend some to Guiliani?
After all, he spent several years studying Catholic theology for the priesthood. Did he end up a priest? Not. He changed his mind.
Again: he married with holy vows Wife Number One. Did he remain faithful? Not. He changed his mind.
He married with holy vows Wife Number Two. Did he remain faithful? Not. He changed his mind.
Now married with holy vows to exceedingly like-opportunistic liberal Wife Number Three, will he remain faithful? Don’t count on it.
He brought children into this world. Did he keep them in his league as faithful, honorable father? Not.
When Roman Catholic, he promised God to keep the rules. Did he keep the rules? Not. Did he remain loyal to his church, no matter the political consequences? Not.
When he is spiritually disciplined, thus warned that St. Louis Archbishop Raymond Leo Burke will not grant him admittance to the sacramental table, does he repent, thus seeking divine grace upon his soul lapse? Not.
I’m glad to see that Swank has been taking English lessons from Wayne Campbell. Seriously - I am. This is a bit of an improvement.
Therefore, it just might be that he will warm up to evangelicals after landing the Oval Office. How say thus?
I cannot even imagine, Pastor Swank. Tell me: how say thus?
Because of his opportunism machine working overtime, per usual. It’s second nature, on automatic.
Oh. Well, all right, then. That explains everything.
Right now evangelicals who are knowledgeable of his defense of murdering the unborn plus baptizing same-gender hook-ups cannot tolerate the ground Giuliani stands on. But if he walks into that White House suite, he may just start praising the Lord. Maybe, given it’s a long shot.
Of course, the reverse could happen.
If the reverse of this completely incomprehensible babble took place, I’m not sure exactly what would happen. Rivers would run uphill? Entropy would spontaneously reverse, and the Parthenon would automatically rebuild itself, while modern day Athens crumbled into dust? Untold universes, even ones where Swank were understandable, would spring into existence and then, just as quickly, vanish? Your guess is as good as mine.
He could turn on evangelicals with that Hitler stare, crippling their every testimony with liberal agendas that would enthrone the devil himself. In other words, he would ensconce his win as payback time against evangelicals who cut him off at the knees. And he could do it—with Third Wife’s gleeful assistance.
The two of them are archliberals into as much devilment in the name of religion as Hillary Clinton. So the choice between Giuliani and Hillary is sick.
First of all, you need to elect me President. My first act will be to make it illegal for Pastor J. Grant Swank to ever again say “in other words”. Because I don’t think he should be allowed to have other words until he figures out what to do with the first words he had. Although, I have to admit I sort of agree with him about the choice between Guiliani and Hillary being sick.
Unfortunately, it’s not the only thing that’s sick. My head is swimming at this point. Brad, how do you do this stuff?
Ex-Fed said,
October 6, 2007 at 2:23
And once again, reality’s merciless hitman double-taps satire.
IslamoCommuFascistLover said,
October 6, 2007 at 2:39
This was by far the funniest line in the post.
“…make it illegal for Pastor J. Grant Swank to ever again say “in other words”. Because I don’t think he should be allowed to have other words until he figures out what to do with the first words he had.”
As for Swank’s rant, frankly I’m too much the elitist IslamoCommuFascistLover to “get” rightist humor, but it is cute to see them spending their time attacking fellow right-wing idiots.
HumboldtBlue said,
October 6, 2007 at 2:55
You watch, these fools are gonna do it, they’re gonna get Brownback as a third party candidate if Giuliani get the nod.
Is it blasphemous for me to pray for this to happen? I’m not sure who I should pray to, what say thus?
Lesley said,
October 6, 2007 at 3:20
har har, his moustache is ticking!
Robert Green said,
October 6, 2007 at 3:22
“how say thus” makes no sense in this or any other human language ever invented, including that one in brazil with no past tense.
“second nature, on automatic” because that shit isn’t serious in manual. in automatic it’s on. shifting from first nature to second nature while going 60 in a 25 zone is the bomb.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
October 6, 2007 at 3:22
Is it blasphemous for me to pray for this to happen? I’m not sure who I should pray to, what say thus?
You’re in good hands, HumboldtBlue.
Good noodly appendages, I mean.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
October 6, 2007 at 3:42
He could turn on evangelicals with that Hitler stare, crippling their every testimony with liberal agendas that would enthrone the devil himself.
If we replace the word ‘evangelicals’ and the phrase ‘liberal agendas’ with the word ‘humans’ and the phrase ‘a police state’, I think I can agree with this Pastor Swank
sentenceconglomeration of word thinghies.Candy said,
October 6, 2007 at 3:42
Hey, that shit is no joke. I had an attack of opportunism gall once, and had to go to the hospital and have these little opportunism stones removed. You shouldn’t laugh at the opportunism gall afflicted.
What say thus? Perhaps he was trying to quote Nietzsche’s Thus Spake Zarathustra, implying that if Rudy is elected, God is dead. Or we’ll have gay science. Or something. Not.
The mind boggles.
Candy said,
October 6, 2007 at 3:46
Oops, I see it’s “How say thus.” What does it mean when one misquotes Pastor Swank?
I feel weird.
MrWonderful said,
October 6, 2007 at 3:57
Jillian–
Calm thyself. Just put an exclamation point after every one of Swank’s sentences, and pretend it’s on the label of Dr. Bronner’s Peppermint Soap. You read THAT with equanimity and a certain amused detachment, no? Well then.
Eg: Turn this:
“Right now evangelicals who are knowledgeable of his defense of murdering the unborn plus baptizing same-gender hook-ups cannot tolerate the ground Giuliani stands on. But if he walks into that White House suite, he may just start praising the Lord.”
(which is intolerable)
into this!
Right now evangelicals who are knowledgeable of his defense of murdering the unborn plus baptizing same-gender hook-ups cannot tolerate the ground Giuliani stands on!
But if he walks into that White House suite, he may just start praising the Lord!
(HTH)
mikey said,
October 6, 2007 at 4:00
I’m tellin ya. I heard Rudy Giulianni likes Kelvim Escobar’s glasses.
How say thus?
mikey
Karla Marx said,
October 6, 2007 at 4:07
Where can I get an opportunism machine? I could sure use one. It doesn’t even have to work overtime.
M. Bouffant said,
October 6, 2007 at 4:11
Bearing in mind that the general election is 13 mos. away, & that not a single caucus or primary has been held (not to mention the possibility of conventions that might be called upon to choose the nominees) I’m all hot & bothered by the chance that the seeming inevitability of Giuliani (as we keep hearing in the “Old Media”) will lead to the religious weasels running their own slate.
The opportunites for snark! A Brownback-Keyes all-Catholic ticket. A Fundie-Evangelical Anti-Evolution pairing. Ron Paul using his campaign funds to throw a wrench into the machine. The possibility of the Republican party splitting into who knows how many factions. Religio-Repubs. Liberpublicans. Country-Clublicans. Wall-Street Weaslicans. Wal*Mart Republicans. The possibilities are endless.
And as long as there’s no leftish fourth party that’ll pull too many votes from the Democratic nominee (Yeah, even if it’s the currently “inevitable” Sen. Clinton.) “we” should be in good shape. Not that a four-way race w/ no one getting anywhere near an Electoral College majority would be that bad a thing either. Might be the end of the Electoral College, if nothing else.
Of course, anything can happen in the meantime, and we’ll probably end up w/ Giuliani vs. Clinton in a tight one, but there’s a little more hope for anarchy than usual.
Pere Ubu said,
October 6, 2007 at 4:23
The man is greased from head to toe.
He’s going to swim the English Channel?
Marita said,
October 6, 2007 at 4:24
OK kids, I’m going to keep posting off-topic comments until other people go here and nominate Sadly, No! for the most humorest blog award. Or at least vote for my nomination, so that the idiotic “DUmmie FUnnies” isn’t getting the most nomination votes.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
October 6, 2007 at 4:37
Marita, I went there before and almost submitted a nomination.
But then I checked into the webstie, and it’s just a bunch of right wing dittoheads.
Is it really worth it?
Tyler DiPietro said,
October 6, 2007 at 4:38
The title of that column is…incredibly racist.
HumboldtBlue said,
October 6, 2007 at 4:41
Damn, I had plum clean forgotten about the flyingspaghetti monster, I wonder if he’ll forgive me.
And while we’re talking baseball ( we were … weren’t we?) what the hell is up with the facial hair thing? I mean, first you have the guys who have the pencil-thin hair-strip-thing … then there are the guys with the Huuuugggeee (Doocy in the hizzouse) goatees who appear as if dead beavers are using their chins for a final resting place, and even worse than that are all the guys with the Huuugggeee goatees and shave off the mustache, making them look like a cross betwee legions of C Everett Koop clones, or a bunch of Amish guys who decided to play ball instead of re-building the barn.
Explain me, how say thus?
jgmurphyj said,
October 6, 2007 at 4:50
After all these months with Great White Hope Fred “Hollywood the New Reagan” Thompson failing to gain any traction and Sam Brownback wallowing around in single digits, the GOPers are terrified that Rudy’s gonna end up with the nom, if only by default.
What’s wrong with that? Well, if you checked out Dr Dobson’s column in yesterday’s NYT (I believe it’s still readable on the Web) you will see why.
Now, the good Doctor is too canny to mention Rudy by name, but of COURSE he is talking about Rudy since Rudy is the only pro-choice candidate they’ve got….and Dob has put the GOPers on notice that if Rudy gets the nod they are….pullin’ OUT! Yep—no more checks, no more phone banking, no more nuthin.
Soooo….the only solution for the desperate Republicans is to take Rudy down. If he stays out front, he will sink them. You will see Rudy being trashed to high heaven over the next 6 months. You can take it to the bank.
mikey said,
October 6, 2007 at 4:56
You will see Rudy being trashed to high heaven over the next 6 months
Mebbe so, but he’ll take the nomination anyway unless some other wingnut candidate adopts the “Kill all the mooslems” platform. It’s a very popular position…
mikey
Prexy said,
October 6, 2007 at 5:05
Good catch Tyler, I was going to say, nobody noticed the ‘greasy italian’ imagery?
Tyler DiPietro said,
October 6, 2007 at 5:15
Thanks Prexy, but in all fairness the author of the column could easily have been more blatant. My suggestion would be to implement the following.
Alternate headline: Giuliani is a sleazy, adulterous wop who probably colludes with the mob.
Alternate text: Hey ginni, where’s my pizza?
HumboldtBlue said,
October 6, 2007 at 5:16
What’s wrong with greasy Italians? I had a hero today, a big greasy italian (and not THAT way guys, sheesh) on a freshly-baked roll, with plenty of pepperoncinis and provolone … it was to diiiiieeeeee for.
As for Giuliani? He is a greasy Italian slimeball, plus he doesn’t have enough hair to grease up anymore, so the good Pastor did the work for him and oiled him up all over. And they say Jesus Camp is freaky.
Some Guy said,
October 6, 2007 at 5:17
Holy CHRIST. “Is our children learning” is right.
Also, how in the fuck can I become an Archliberal? That sounds fucking SWEET, man! Does it come with an Epic Mount?
Tyler DiPietro said,
October 6, 2007 at 5:23
“As for Giuliani? He is a greasy Italian slimeball…”
Yeah, I’m pretty sure he is. It’d be much better to have a big-lipped black dumbass as a Republican president.
Marita said,
October 6, 2007 at 5:25
Is it really worth it?
Well, ITTDGY, it is pretty much a right wing site, but if they do what they did last year, they’ll nominate mostly right wing blogs for things, with a few token liberal candidates, and because the liberal votes aren’t split up so much, a liberal blog will win. It’s how the Sadlys won last year, and honestly, it’s still an official-sounding award they can claim to boost their ad rates, etc.
Marita said,
October 6, 2007 at 5:30
Wow. I totally Swanked that last comment. My sentences run on and on and on and on and on…
…and on.
HumboldtBlue said,
October 6, 2007 at 5:36
“Also, how in the fuck can I become an Archliberal?”
First you must get a mitre, then a staff … and then, well you support big-lipped black people for President because we all know that Italians are just a bunch of pussies who can’t take a joke.
Then, you say a black mass and pray that Italy falls off the map, because other than pasta and some old buildings and paintings, what the fuck have the Italians contributed to the modern world, other than a greasy slime-ball dictator and a soccer team that plays with all of the excitement of a dead german shepherd.
Tyler DiPietro said,
October 6, 2007 at 5:41
You know, one of the requirements of a joke is that it has to be funny. Being somewhat witty and original are big plusses too. These are a few among the myriad reasons why Carlos Mencia is not funny.
HumboldtBlue said,
October 6, 2007 at 5:51
Considering you display the sense of humor of my left nut, let’s go old school “Mr. Originality” and why don’t you have a coke and a smile and shut the fuck up.
And another thing, Italian is an ethnicity, not a race, so going back to your “original” bitchy whine, it wasn’t racist in the least.
Stereotypical? Sure. Accurate? Yup.
"Oh Stewardess, I Speak 'Nut" said,
October 6, 2007 at 5:52
I thought Dick “Halliburton” Cheney was the devil? Man, I’m confused. And I speak ‘nut!!!
Tyler DiPietro said,
October 6, 2007 at 5:56
“And another thing, Italian is an ethnicity, not a race, so going back to your “original” bitchy whine, it wasn’t racist in the least.”
Yes, because as we all know, ethnicities are completely unaffected by prejudices from sanctimonious dumbshits like you.
evilchemistry said,
October 6, 2007 at 6:10
If the reverse of this completely incomprehensible babble took place, I’m not sure exactly what would happen. Rivers would run uphill? Entropy would spontaneously reverse, and the Parthenon would automatically rebuild itself, while modern day Athens crumbled into dust? Untold universes, even ones where Swank were understandable, would spring into existence and then, just as quickly, vanish? Your guess is as good as mine.
9/11 would be undone and then… I bet god is super wicked pissed that an imbecile like Swank figured out time.
Lawnguylander said,
October 6, 2007 at 6:25
Stereotypical? Sure. Accurate? Yup.
Would you mind clarifying? What stereotype is accurate?
Some Guy said,
October 6, 2007 at 6:26
evilchemistry said,
“9/11 would be undone and then… I bet god is super wicked pissed that an imbecile like Swank figured out time.”
WWSD: What Would Swank Drive? Delorians are hard to get hold of these days. Hmmm… can Segways get to 88mph?
Though, I have money riding that those box Scions are going to be the “retro 2000 car” of the movies circa 2030.
“You must traverse globally back with me, Marty! Back to the times of past happens. Not.”
El_Cid said,
October 6, 2007 at 6:30
What a waste it is to lose one’s mind or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.
DEMIZE! said,
October 6, 2007 at 9:10
I doth proclaim,and or, thus say;Rudy Guiliani is an opportunistic Gaul with an extremely greasy hole or somesuch.Carry on you beautiful Bastards.
Herr Doktor Bimler said,
October 6, 2007 at 10:53
He is Opportunism Gall personified
Sounds like one of those antique puritan names. Opportunism Gall, I’d like to introduce you to my old friends, Obnoxiousness Johnson and Crime-Against-the-Holy-Spirit Taylor.
kiki said,
October 6, 2007 at 11:28
Unhappily, not! Holy man Swank is Lucky Best Crazy Number One!
kiki said,
October 6, 2007 at 11:30
Also - “same-gender hook-ups”?
He’s “down” with the “kids” a’ight.
Djur said,
October 6, 2007 at 11:38
Well, I have to say, Rudy has never struck me as particularly greasy. Greasiness generally is a function of life, and I’m pretty sure he died sometime in the mid-1990s.
That said, I really see no purpose in promulgating wop jokes. Can’t we all just get back to hating the Irish?
Tyler DiPietro said,
October 6, 2007 at 11:41
“Can’t we all just get back to hating the Irish?”
Nope, Mexicans are the in thing to hate nowadays. Get with the times, man!
Patkin said,
October 6, 2007 at 13:17
Plus, the only people who consistently hate the Irish anymore are the Irish.
Xenos said,
October 6, 2007 at 13:18
I have not heard the ‘greasy Italian’ slur in thirty years, and even then it was used as a playground taunt. Swank thus supports the unfortunate stereotype of Anglo Evangelicals as childish, uneducated, nasty bastards jealous of their racial privilege.
Xenos said,
October 6, 2007 at 13:19
Hate the Irish? Let’s get back to first principles and properly hate the Tories, to wit, that monarch in Washington.
LittlePig said,
October 6, 2007 at 14:50
I had a feeling that that Hitler stare got evangelicals all gooey in their neither regions. Now I’m certain.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
October 6, 2007 at 15:44
Being equal parts Irish, Italian, German, and English, I get to fight World Wars I and II with myself. And that’s just a couple of examples.
jgmurphyj said,
October 6, 2007 at 16:46
“Mebbe so, but he’ll take the nomination anyway unless some other wingnut candidate adopts the “Kill all the mooslems” platform. It’s a very popular position…”
Hell, I thought they ALL had that position.
Anyhow, it’s so much fun watching the Republicans squirm in their lose-lose trousers. They can either go with Rudy and lose the Evangelicals, or go with a throwback like Brownback or Romney and lose everyone else.
Smiling Mortician said,
October 6, 2007 at 17:59
I’m tempted to call Fake Swank. Why would he use a homolib term like “pro-choice” when the world is full of godly terms like “pro-womb-baby killer”?
Smiling Mortician said,
October 6, 2007 at 18:03
Oh, OK, jgmurphyj and LittlePig. I get it now. The reason evangelical GOPers have neither regions is that they’re always wearing lose-lose trousers.
Duros62 said,
October 6, 2007 at 19:55
“how say thus”
Um…. thusly?
Hysterical Woman said,
October 6, 2007 at 21:10
Whether or not he’s greasy (I don’t want to find that out), Rudy does have ties to the mafia, doesn’t he? Or at least he doesn’t mind hiring people who do.
DocAmazing said,
October 7, 2007 at 0:30
All that aside–
where do i find a wristwatch like that?
Swank Time!
¡El Gato Negro! said,
October 7, 2007 at 1:22
¡Dios mio, Marita!
That DUFU crap ees crrrappier than the crrrappiest crrrap I ever crrrapped.
Although, I confess that een my hurry to leave the crrrapfest, I forgot to vote for Sadly, no, so someone else might want to run over and do eet, hokay?
so.
bago said,
October 7, 2007 at 1:30
Damn that Obnoxiousness Johnson. Always sticking his head into places where it doesn’t belog.
Simba B said,
October 7, 2007 at 3:22
Do we have any evidence that Swank is real? I mean, I’m really interested. Because this is just too giddily Freudian to be anything but a genius parody.
gjdodger said,
October 7, 2007 at 4:34
It’s not Swank Time anymore. It’s SWANK’S WORLD! SWANK’S WORLD! PARTY TIME! EXCELLENT!
RubDMC said,
October 7, 2007 at 18:00
I’m happy to see that the good Pastor has moved on from his previous gig - writing the instructions that accompany foreign-made consumer electronics.
Robert said,
October 7, 2007 at 19:59
The rant against Giuliani reminds me of a front-page story in the San Francisco Chronicle recently, about a summit meeting of forty Christian leaders (i.e., right wing Republican apparatchiks with a social-conservative agenda) who were promoting the idea of going with a third-party candidate if Giuliani gets the GOP nomination.
Unmentioned in the article was the gaggle of Clinton and Obama campaign workers clustered outside, whispering ‘oh pleeeassse, oh pleeeassee. . . ‘
thepoliticalcat said,
October 8, 2007 at 20:11
Not to be overly picky, Jillian, but it should read “Why persecutest thou me?” As to why he doth, I fear I know not. He’s such a sod, though, that pretty much any explanation will fit. Methinks. If it’s sufficiently greased, anyway.