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Oct
4

LOLcons




Posted at 17:14 by Gavin M.

wifshia.jpg
Above (l-r): Ahmed Chalabi, Mohammad Khatami, Richard Cohen unnamed cleric (Tehran)

oilyraelians.jpg
Above: Debra “Deputy Assistant Secretary for Coalition Affairs” Cagan

Art by Drummer Hoff. ‘LOLcons’ concept created by Jon Swift and named by Marita. (Online LOLcat builder here.)

John M. forwards an email:

Johnny - you won’t believe it, we met the woman in the leather jacket, Ms Cagan, spent an entire evening with her, at a concert given by a rock band made of central European right wingers (all diplomats), friends of Martin Palous, Czech ambassador to the UN. The band played one night a the Knitting Factory on Leonard street, called Coalition of the Willing, led by the Hungarian diplomat Andras Simonyi, who gave her the Iron Cross. We met Tom Stoppard, the playwright, there, as well as this crazy woman in a leatherette tunic, she gave us her business card, and was drinking heavily and dancing like a dervish. She tried to befriend us, but as she is obviously insane, and SCARIER IN PERSON THAN IN PHOTOS, we kind of slipped away. We thought from her rambling discussion that she was an arms dealer, she had just returned from what sounded like a sex junket to our fighting boys in Iraq. She was telling us how sexy the front line guys were, and the whole live for today ethos that prevails in the Green Zone. A truly, truly mad woman, and now Gates’ right hand man (she really looks like a bondage dude).

I fear for the republic.

Hasta, JB

60 Comments »

  1. Wally Whateley said,

    October 4, 2007 at 17:21

    I get the feeling that a lot of the neocons think that a generation of soldiers who’ve been driven mad by war would be a really awesome thing. I think people like Cagan is wildly, wildly in favor of a completely, gibberingly-insane society.

  2. F'in Librul said,

    October 4, 2007 at 17:30

    She reminds me of a character from a Zucker bros. movie.

    A really bad Zucker bros. movie.

  3. kingubu said,

    October 4, 2007 at 17:43

    I don’t get it. Why do you guys keep running that pic of John Kerry in 80s bondage drag?

  4. JK47 said,

    October 4, 2007 at 17:44

    Would you rather have sex with:

    A. Debra Cagan
    B. Karen Hughes
    C. Your own Mom
    D. A Goat

    I think I’d have to go with “goat.”

  5. Clarence Carter said,

    October 4, 2007 at 17:45

    Can you slip away, slip away

  6. El_Cid said,

    October 4, 2007 at 17:47

    ‘What I said was, I hate Old Irish Narnians, yeah, that was it.’

  7. Rufus said,

    October 4, 2007 at 17:52

    I actually said, “I hate all you Randians.”

    No?

    I can hates fony soljerz?

  8. t4toby said,

    October 4, 2007 at 18:12

    (S)he is the gift that just keeps giving, huh?

  9. kc said,

    October 4, 2007 at 18:13

    we met the woman in the leather jacket, Ms Cagan, spent an entire evening with her, at a concert given by a rock band made of central European right wingers (all diplomats), friends of Martin Palous, Czech ambassador to the UN. The band played one night a the Knitting Factory on Leonard street, called Coalition of the Willing, led by the Hungarian diplomat Andras Simonyi, who gave her the Iron Cross.

    Sounds like an evening in HELL.

  10. JoshWatermanMN said,

    October 4, 2007 at 18:18

    Cagan looks like she has been taken over by the Nestenes. Corner her, and half of her hand will drop away, revealing a blaster.

  11. attaturk said,

    October 4, 2007 at 18:20

    “She tried to befriend us, but as she is obviously insane, and SCARIER IN PERSON THAN IN PHOTOS, we kind of slipped away. We thought from her rambling discussion that she was an arms dealer, she had just returned from what sounded like a sex junket to our fighting boys in Iraq.”

    Will…never…have…sex…again….even alone.

  12. Jacob Singer said,

    October 4, 2007 at 18:27

    One of my favorite quotes from The Thing applies here:

    “Is that a man in there, or… something?”

  13. RCP said,

    October 4, 2007 at 18:27

    To be fair, Raelians are dicks. I wanted to be cloned, and all I got was my genetic information recorded on space computers.

    I can only assume oily Raelians are worse.

  14. Sadly, Cambridgeport said,

    October 4, 2007 at 18:44

    she had just returned from what sounded like a sex junket to our fighting boys in Iraq

    In which the Republicans once again demonstrate that they actually despise the troops.

  15. kiki said,

    October 4, 2007 at 18:51

    Jesus, I thought the Iron Cross was Photoshopped. Who was it that said something about wingnuts Godwinning themselves?

    Ilsa, She-Wolf of the GOP.

  16. Snorghagen said,

    October 4, 2007 at 18:52

    she is obviously insane, and SCARIER IN PERSON THAN IN PHOTOS

    That would be pretty damn scary.

  17. mikey said,

    October 4, 2007 at 18:56

    Just to be on the safe side, could we get somebody to get her to list all of the people she hates? I have a feeling she’s one of those people who keeps a list, and it might be very valuable knowledge…

    mikey

  18. tb said,

    October 4, 2007 at 19:02

    God damn it, could the Republican party be a bigger freak show please?

  19. MCH said,

    October 4, 2007 at 19:05

    and the whole live for today ethos that prevails in the Green Zone

    She could feel that same ethos for herself if she’d just put herself in the line of fire every damn day like the soldiers do. Ever-present death can do that, the whole imminent-hanging-concentrates-the-mind effect and all.

    Can we take up some sort of Feel-the-Ethos collection for her? I’m sure she’ll go if we just buy her some more leather and tell her she’s assigned to the SS.

  20. Jay B. said,

    October 4, 2007 at 19:07

    I said before that she is proof that these bastards are nothing more than a band of performance artists so immersed in dada that they’ve led us to the brink of a global catastrophe just to see how far they can push it.

    That they played the Knitting Factory and brought Stoppard along only confirms it.

  21. El_Cid said,

    October 4, 2007 at 19:10

    What’s funny is that even with the crazy outfits and the “I hate Iranians” comments and the giggled denials of ‘oh sure, yeah, right, we won’t bomb them ha ha ha’, she (??) still seems like a far more rational individual than the Kristols and the Podhorowetz’s and the Horowitz’s and the Kagan’s and the Cheney and etc. etc. etc.

  22. El_Cid said,

    October 4, 2007 at 19:12

    In other news, hee hee hee hee hee hee:

    Arrest order for Pinochet family

    A Chilean judge has ordered the arrest of five children and the widow of former military ruler Augusto Pinochet on charges of embezzlement.

    The warrants were among 23 issued as part of a corruption investigation into state funds held in US bank accounts…

    …Judge Cerda is investigating a case in which Gen Pinochet allegedly hid some $27 million (£13.2 million) with the help of Washington-based Riggs bank.

    In 2004, a US Senate investigation found hundreds of bank accounts in the name of Pinochet and his relatives at the bank. He was being investigated for tax evasion, fraud and embezzlement in relation to those funds…

  23. markg said,

    October 4, 2007 at 19:13

    It’s a man, baby!

  24. RubDMC said,

    October 4, 2007 at 19:42

    Given that choice I’d do the goat, but I’d want to bring my own.

  25. Hoosier X said,

    October 4, 2007 at 19:54

    Can we get that goat that looks like Stevie Nicks?

  26. The Micah said,

    October 4, 2007 at 19:55

    @JK47 - Goatfucker.

  27. Lesley said,

    October 4, 2007 at 20:00

    she sorta reminds me of Glen Close in that scary movie where the rabbit gets killed.

  28. Lesley said,

    October 4, 2007 at 20:02

    or better yet, Glen Close as Cruella

  29. owlbear1 said,

    October 4, 2007 at 20:19

    Ok, this is funny!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnpNkPCcfBM

  30. Flying Rodent said,

    October 4, 2007 at 20:25

    Is it just me, or is Miss Caran a dead ringer for Jane’s Addiction frontman Perry Farrell?

  31. Dhalgren said,

    October 4, 2007 at 20:30

    So she was partying in TriBeCa…..and one of my favorite music venues…….scary. Have to watch my back.

  32. Dhalgren said,

    October 4, 2007 at 20:31

    I said before that she is proof that these bastards are nothing more than a band of performance artists so immersed in dada that they’ve led us to the brink of a global catastrophe just to see how far they can push it.

    That they played the Knitting Factory and brought Stoppard along only confirms it.

    YES!!

  33. Republicunt said,

    October 4, 2007 at 20:37

    Will…never…have…sex…again….even alone.

    Ms Cagan is hot.. Your just jelous of the troops she banged. Traitor!!11!!1

  34. J— said,

    October 4, 2007 at 20:40

    From the forwarded email:

    We thought from her rambling discussion that she was an arms dealer[.]

    It turns out she kind of is. Her office was created this year:

    Strategic Objective 5.1: Build capacity of international partners in fighting the war on terrorism.

    A. Scope of Strategic (Enterprise-level) Objective:

    The scope of this objective area includes arms control and threat-reduction activities under the supervision of the Office of the Secretary of Defense.…This strategic objective looks at how the DoD harmonizes our views of the world with our international partners, and then builds the capacity of those partners to combat terrorism by providing access to equipment (through transfers and sales) and training. After completion of the first two phases, training and equipping, our partners are more capable of countering the threats and challenges of terrorism.

    […]

    E. Strategies for Achieving Objective:

    […]

    • Structure and Organizational Initiatives: The USD (P) [Under Secretary of Defense for Policy] has reorganized and created two new senior level supervisory positions to oversee the execution of partnership efforts (Deputy Assistant Secretaries of Defense for Partnership Strategy and Coalition Affairs).

    From the Department of Defense’s FY 2007/2008 Performance Plan (pdf, pp. 86, 87).

  35. jim said,

    October 4, 2007 at 20:43

    So, that is for real??

    That pic is unretouched, and that is really a woman, who was born female, who works in the Bush administration?

    There are *pages* of crazy rolling off that woman, in that case. I am freaked out.

  36. J— said,

    October 4, 2007 at 20:51

    Make that pp. 86, 88.

  37. witkacy said,

    October 4, 2007 at 21:12

    Goddammit, I’m lovin me this Cagan thing - Repug pathologies are now right out of Visconti’s “The Damned”…

  38. Woodrowfan said,

    October 4, 2007 at 22:42

    JK47. it’s a girl goat right? and is it at least kinda cute?

  39. a different mikey said,

    October 4, 2007 at 22:56

    EL Cid:

    Thanks for some good news. Isn’t it great that Chile is doing something about the reign of the unlamented General. Would that our own spineless guvmint will ever do the same here.

  40. stogoe said,

    October 4, 2007 at 23:08

    Albee’s The Goat or Who Is Sylvia was pretty frickin’ weird, but still not as creepy as the Replicant in red PVC.

  41. Jody said,

    October 4, 2007 at 23:49

    “I don’t get it. Why do you guys keep running that pic of John Kerry in 80s bondage drag?”

    THANK YOU. That’s exactly right. I couldn’t pinpoint it and it was driving me crazy, but that’s exactly the mental image she provides.

  42. stringonastick said,

    October 5, 2007 at 0:12

    Um, iron cross? How strangely Freudian is that? They just can’t wait for the shipment of brown shirts, those fun leather riding boots, and all the way cool medals. I wonder if she’ll be OK with black, or will the new SS have to stick with the red leather?

  43. bobbo said,

    October 5, 2007 at 0:54

    It’s all so very Weimar Berlin.

  44. Jon H said,

    October 5, 2007 at 1:16

    Wasn’t she in that one Star Trek, where she straps Shatner onto the big cloning wheel?

  45. lobbey said,

    October 5, 2007 at 4:02

    Wasn’t she in that one Star Trek, where she straps Shatner onto the big cloning wheel?

    No, no no, its Servelan, from Blake’s 7

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:B7Servalan.jpeg

  46. King Quaker said,

    October 5, 2007 at 4:18

    I always imagined the third circle of hell as being inhabited by Lucienne Goldberg, Linda Tripp, Ann Coulter, Bay Buchanan and Candy Crowley.
    Now I’ve got to make room for Ms. Cagan.

  47. KevinD said,

    October 5, 2007 at 4:31

    “Frau Blucher!”

  48. Meanjink said,

    October 5, 2007 at 5:39

    [neighhhhhhhh!!]

    Well, if someone ever decides to make movies out of Robertson Davies’ novels, she’d be perfect for Lieslotte Vitzliputzli.

  49. DEMIZE! said,

    October 5, 2007 at 6:49

    Wow sounds like an incredibly fun filled evening at the Knitting Factory.Band line up of rightist Eastern European Diplomats honing their off duty chops,various neo-cons pogoing to the funky,funky sound,and one certifiably insane female Klaus Nomi lookalike.One question,WHERE THE FUCK WAS MALCOLM McLAREN during this incredible goulash of bizarre.Ahh Good times,good times..You Beautiful Bastards!1!!11

  50. Rumple Stiltskin said,

    October 5, 2007 at 8:13

    Story sounds like some bizarre hoax. But it checks out. See below article.

    http://www.huembwas.org/News/KnittingFactory.htm
    The “Coalition of the Willing” Takes New York by Storm

    January 8, 2005

    The “Coalition of the Willing,” a.k.a. the C.J.T.F. Band, featuring Ambassador Simonyi and his friends, played at the Knitting Factory in New York City Saturday night to an audience of 300. The band, which features U.S. ambassador to Moscow Alexander Vershbow on drums, Assistant Secretary of State Lincoln Bloomfield on bass, and Dan Poneman, a principal with the Scowcroft Group, on guitar, was joined on stage by guitarist extraordinaire Jeff “Skunk” Baxter, formerly with Steely Dan and the Doobie Brothers, and now a Pentagon defense consultant, and session player Jim Ehinger on keyboards.

  51. Porlock Junior said,

    October 5, 2007 at 8:22

    Heavens to Betsy, thank you for this posting, in the absence of which I’d never have Googled cagan+hate, and would have missed the Daily Mail story and its sidebar pointer to Princess Leia’s buns,
    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/showbiz/showbiznews.html?in_article_id=485709&in_page_id=1773

  52. Dr BLT, Recovering Troll said,

    October 5, 2007 at 8:27

    Give that one dude a red suit and he’d kinda look a bit like Santa. Speaking of Santa, just when are you folks going to begin your annual war on Christmas this year?

    That war sparked quite a hit for me last year with this song:

    Best Buy Inn
    Dr BLT c 2006, 2007
    http://www.drblt.net/music/BestBI.mp3

  53. DEMIZE! said,

    October 5, 2007 at 8:58

    Jeff “Skunk” Baxter, formerly with Steely Dan and the Doobie Brothers, and now a Pentagon defense consultant, What more needs to be said?

  54. DEMIZE! said,

    October 5, 2007 at 9:04

    They need to get John”Flavor Savor”Bolton on the triangle or something.And what the hell is Tommy Ramone doing with these guys,I always heard some of them were right wingers but come on.

  55. Tonsure Wimple said,

    October 5, 2007 at 10:33

    She’s covering her Adam’s apple. This is always a giveaway. Paris Coulter for some reason lets it all hang out.

  56. owlbear1 said,

    October 5, 2007 at 11:34

    Jeff “Skunk” Baxter, formerly with Steely Dan and the Doobie Brothers, and now a Pentagon defense consultant, What more needs to be said?

    Yacht Rock

  57. atheist said,

    October 5, 2007 at 13:06

    Speaking of Santa, just when are you folks going to begin your annual war on Christmas this year?

    I have a Mutual Non-Aggression Gifting Treaty with my mother’s side of the family.

  58. Herr Doktor Bimler said,

    October 5, 2007 at 14:09

    It is a truth universally acknowledged that I have fuck-all taste in clothes, but even I know better than to wear something that makes me look like a second-hand lounge suite.

  59. deuce said,

    October 7, 2007 at 3:57

    I’m thinking of the Donald Sutherland played freako in Bertolucci’s 1900

  60. Incontinentia Buttocks said,

    October 8, 2007 at 7:02

    Didn’t someone point out in the last Cagan thread that she had a position in the Clinton Administration as well?

    If you think we’re getting rid of these freaks by electing a Democrat instead of a Republican next year, well, Sadly, No!

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