4
Don’t lie to us Doug, we know you love it!
Because Sadly, No!’s management team resides in Europe, we are able to take advantage of World O’Crap’s weekend of celebration and take the first turn at Doug Giles’ new column, entitled: Imprecatory Prayer: The Intercessor?s Elephant Gun. All columns need a strong opening (a requirement not made of blog posts fortunately) and Doug doesn’t disappoint:
I hate to ruin your light summer beach reading, but America and much of the world are still in deep yogurt when it comes to the war on terror.
Fear not friends, Doug isn’t going to take it, uh, lying down:
I, for one, will not take a passive stance against this aggressive enemy. You cannot be lame and win this game with these guys. So, as a Christian, I suggest the following?
A plan! Let us taunt them! They may become so cross, that they will make a mistake! Wait — wrong plan:
One: Back President Bush and his aggressive armed attitude against terrorists and terror supporting nations.
Hey Iraqis, did you enjoy the can of whoop ass attitude that was unleashed on your ass? We bet you did.
Three: Aggressively support the rooting out of the multitudinous terrorist cells that are concocting their villainous crap in our very own cul de sacs.
Doug says he doesn’t do drugs anymore. We think not.
Four: Make it ridiculously impossible for a pro-radical Islamic professor to pee in one of our university?s bathrooms, much less teach in one of our classrooms.
It is, however, ok if a pro-radical Islamic professor pees in Doug’s backyard.
Five: As people of faith, dust off and use what?s afforded to the believer within the Old and New Testaments, namely the imprecatory prayers.
Yes! We have the holy hand grenade!
Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Precious Moments Figurine Collector, the Bible is filled with maledictions prayed by saints and speedily answered by God against violently impenitent enemies of liberty and righteousness.
Why do we need to do that now? It’s so simple, you’re going to feel very dumb for asking:
It’s simple: when our enemies move from being foes who have personally wronged us, or have made fun of our bad combover, or have flamed us in a TBN chat room, to becoming jihadic death jockeys wanting to eradicate our memory from the earth, then it is time to stop praying the “Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep” stuff and start asking God to thwart and stamp out these bug eyed terrorists who want to hijack the planet and make it conform to their jacked up view of “life.”
It is now official: Doug Giles’ columns are written by a computer program. Most likely the Kaye Grogan Automatic 2000.
Edit: Trish Wilson has much interesting background on Stephen.
Rob said,
July 4, 2004 at 22:36
None of that wimpy Jesus stuff about turning the other cheeck or loving your enemy! We need the Pauline letters and Old Testament in order to kick some righteous ass!
You think Doug get made fun of alot for his combover?
vachon said,
July 4, 2004 at 23:15
Who is this twit, anyway?
renato said,
July 4, 2004 at 23:40
Kaye Grogan is a card-carrying Comma-nist.
ran said,
July 5, 2004 at 0:08
Yea, that’s the ticket: the Jeebus people can call in an air strike from the heavens “against the impenitent enemies…”
Bet they could make a bundle on pay per view with that.
Phoenician in a time of Romans said,
July 5, 2004 at 2:38
I believe THIS says all that needs to be said on the subject…
“O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle — be Thou near them! With them — in spirit — we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it — for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.
glenstonecottage said,
July 5, 2004 at 4:04
You ragheads better smarten up, or Jesus is gonna have to hurt you real bad!
Cause don’t forget what General Boykin tolk you, our god can take your god with one hand tied behind his back. So there! Nyah, nyah!
Nabakov said,
July 5, 2004 at 4:20
Yes, summon the almighty invisible superhero form outer space to smite our enemies.
However, Doug, he’s not really a detail man so you might wanna clearly mark your co-ordinates on his map so you don’t get taken out by friendly fire.
dmm said,
July 5, 2004 at 5:07
Shorter Doug Giles: “Christianity is so much cooler if you ignore everything that that effeminate jackass Jesus had to say about ‘love thine enemy’ and ‘turn the other cheek’. It’s an eye for an eye for me!”
Also, I never knew that the Bible had specific prayers for you are being attacked by a gun, a bomb, or an airplane. You learn something new every day.
bellatrys said,
July 5, 2004 at 5:35
Well, what *I* liked about the old testament bits was how the Philistines were left in their Cities to test the Israelites and give them something to practice war on. You see, they ran roughshod over all the smaller outfits, but when it came to the Cities of the Plain, those dudes had tanks, er, iron-wheeled chariots. Apparently Jehovah draws the line at armoured cav; you’re on your own when the enemy has superior weaponry and fortifications.
merl said,
July 5, 2004 at 5:38
Oh, shit. I wrote him a very nasty letter before I read the part about him siccing God on me. I hope it’s not to late to apologize, I don’t want God to smite me.
moonbiter said,
July 5, 2004 at 6:20
It’s official: Doug Giles is insane.
Bartholomew said,
July 5, 2004 at 6:52
Too bad for Doug he’s got the hard work of supporting the holy war through prayer in Florida, while others got off lightly with merely having to actually serve in the armed forces.
What a phoney. I think he’s watched “Patton” too many times.
And “jihadic death jockeys”?
Jason said,
July 5, 2004 at 7:27
I think Doug Giles= JeffK. He cannot possibly be for real.
Satan luvvs Repugs said,
July 5, 2004 at 10:16
A prayer for the election:
“Dear God. Lightning bolt. You know who I mean. Amen.”
s.z. said,
July 5, 2004 at 11:21
Geez, what does Doug have against Precious Moments figurines — this is like the 3rd or 4th time he’s railed against them this quarter. I can only think that they must have killed his parents or something. So, here’s an appropriate prayer for all good Americans to say in their churches and homes:
Destroy mine enemies, the Precious Moments figurines, I implore thee, O Lord. Break their tiny, little arms and china legs from their vapid porcelain bodies, and smash their simpering faces, Lord, for they hatest me. Send them to hell, O Lord, along with the evildoers, Islamists, and liberals. Amen.
War Department said,
July 5, 2004 at 11:42
Does anyone find the article full of delicious innuendo? Not just the yogurt and sacs - get Bushs’ back. Rout the villainous crap. Islamic glory holes in the universities.
Pucker up, buttercup.
Bill S said,
July 5, 2004 at 12:36
s.z.-ROTFLMAO!!!
Trish Wilson said,
July 5, 2004 at 15:37
The Holy Hand Grenade… how appropriate. LOL
Bill S said,
July 5, 2004 at 22:09
Dougie’s intense dislike of Precious Moments figurines suggest he prefers “Hello Kitty” memorabilia.
Or perhaps he’s a “Beanie Babies” guy.
Patrick Taylor said,
July 6, 2004 at 0:19
Doesn’t Doug ever pay attention?
I quote from the Book of Armaments:
“Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out.”
Saving imprecatory prayers to No. 5 is bound to make you naughty in God’s sight. I think Doug’s been feasting a bit too much on lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and breakfast cereals …
Bill S said,
July 6, 2004 at 0:53
Does anybody else hear “The Lumberjack Song” in their head when they read Dougie’s column?
ahem said,
July 6, 2004 at 6:39
It reminds me of the Biblical parodies in Private Eye. A whole lotta smitin’ goin’ on from Doug.
FlipYrWhig said,
July 6, 2004 at 22:22
So, if I understand Doug Giles correctly, the best way to deal with religiously-justified violence is to do it right back. Problem solved!
George Johnston said,
July 8, 2004 at 9:51
Combover? Is Doug saying Iraq is some sort of bad hair day?