Comments on: Try Sponsoring One Frickin’ Puma, Mark

By: Dan Someone

Dan Someone — Mon, 03 Sep 2007 15:44:38 +0000

Well, I went home with a Shiite
The way I always do
How was I to know
She was with the Iranians, too

I was occupying Karbala
I took a little risk
Send pumas, bears and badgers
Zoo, get me out of this

I’m the innocent invader
Somehow I got stuck
Between Iraq and a quagmire
And I’m down on my luck
And I’m down on my luck
And I’m down on my luck

Now I’m hiding with Patraeus
I’m a desperate man
Send pumas, bears and badgers
The shit has hit the fan

Send pumas, bears and badgers…

By: Dan Someone

Dan Someone — Mon, 03 Sep 2007 15:05:18 +0000

Roland was a polar bear
From the land of the midnight sun
With his claws and teeth for hire
Biting to be done
The deal was made in Godthab
On a dark and stormy day
So he set out for Karbala
To join the bloody fray

Through ought-seven and ought-eight
They fought the Terror War
With their mauling paws and canines
Knee deep in gore
Days and nights they battled
The Shiites and Sunnis
They killed to earn their living
And to help out the GOP

His comrades fought beside him
The grizzlies and felines
But of all the bears and pumas
Roland was too fine
So the C-in-C decided
He wanted Roland dead
Some sonofabitch young Kodiak
Tore off Roland’s head

Roland the Headless Polar Ursine
Time time time for another Iraq surge
Greenland’s favorite son
Time stands still for Roland while he sates a killing urge
They can still see his headless body
Stalking o’er the sand
With the muzzle bloody
On Roland’s gaping maw
With the muzzle bloody
On Roland’s gaping maw

Roland searched the Middle East
For the bear who’d done him in
He found him in Diyala
Trying to get food from a tin
Roland reached his forepaws out
He didn’t make a sound
But he threw that Kodiak’s body
From there to old Kabul town

Roland the Headless Polar Ursine
Roland the Headless Polar Ursine
Roland the Headless Polar Ursine (talkin’ about the bear)
Roland the Headless Polar Ursine

The eternal polar ursine
Still hangin’ round the Mideast
Now it’s two months later
But he’s still a fearsome beast
In Anbar, in Basrah, in Najaf and in Babil…
The global jihad was totally awed
By Roland’s mighty claws
And bought them…

By: Qetesh the Abyssinian

Qetesh the Abyssinian — Mon, 03 Sep 2007 04:45:05 +0000

Those drop bears are pretty fearsome, but remember that there’s a risk associated with their cousins, the cuddly koalas, too. After all, koalas spend a lot of their waking time completely stoned on eucalyptus leaves, so if you see one, it could think you’re a rock, or it could think you’re the living, breathing reincarnation of Jimi Hendrix, or it could think you’re something rootable.

Whatever it thinks, chances are its response will consist of:
a) pissing on you;
b) nothing else.

You’ve been warned.

By: Notorious P.A.T.

Notorious P.A.T. — Mon, 03 Sep 2007 03:36:04 +0000

Mexican beaded lizard reporting for duty and ready to bring that New World venom!

Darn Mexicans, taking jobs from good American animals, grumble grumble.

By: Drummer Hoff

Drummer Hoff — Mon, 03 Sep 2007 02:07:36 +0000

I’m just waiting for someone to discover that the koalas eat people when no one’s around.

D. Sidhe, you needn't wait any longer.

By: J—

J— — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 20:04:15 +0000

Oh, and J– forgot the beaded lizard. You're right. Mexican beaded lizard reporting for duty and ready to bring that New World venom!

By: D. Sidhe

D. Sidhe — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 18:39:09 +0000

Playtpus never killed anyone, Herr Doktor. And if I were from Australia, home of Megalania, the Komodo Dragon would have a special place in my heart as well. The dragons, mind you, are another goanna species, with which Australia as well as much of Asia are rife.

It’s not the platypus, really, it’s the fact that Australia is home to more venomous snakes than any other country, and their spiders and jellyfish and octopus can kill you, too. Even their squid are poisonous, for God’s sakes. I’m just waiting for someone to discover that the koalas eat people when no one’s around.

And no, I know the platypus is not the only venomous mammal. (In fact, it apparently uses the spurs when mating, which just goes to show I’m really glad I’m not a female platypus. The pain is said to be excruciating.) Shrews! Slow loris! Doesn’t that just rock? I seem to recall there’s a bird with mildly venomous saliva, as well.

Oh, and J– forgot the beaded lizard.

Also, have we considered insects yet? Bears are great, and I would never malign the mighty puma. But the bears are going to redeploy themselves in a couple of months, and I don’t think the pumas can hold it together after that. They’re solitary hunters, after all.

By: amp

amp — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 16:28:28 +0000

Bears & pumas are the obvious choice but what will we arm them with? DUH…Play-dough & bacon. You can see that from space dudes.

By: Righteous Bubba

Righteous Bubba — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 15:24:30 +0000

I am disturbed that non-mammalian species are being considered when we have brave bears and pumas giving their all on the streets of Baghdad as we speak. When there is a job to be done American leadership has never up and abandoned one course of action to try some silly adventure in some other direction.

By: The Dark Avenger

The Dark Avenger — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 13:22:27 +0000

We need a MRTF(Multi-Reptile Task Force) with Reggie as the leader. He's already proven his determination by his attempted breakout from the LA Zoo, and he will fight for fish.

By: J—

J— — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 12:57:00 +0000

Watch out, Baathist dead-enders. Gila monsters are coming to get you!

By: Herr Doktor Bimler

Herr Doktor Bimler — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 12:14:26 +0000

And it turns out that the Varanidae (the Komodo and other monitor lizards) have evolved innately posonous saliva, though without the virulent bacteria it's not very strong. Thank you, great Gazoogle!

By: Herr Doktor Bimler

Herr Doktor Bimler — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 12:05:38 +0000

I was about to say something sarcastic about Qetesh for making such a fuss about Komodo dragons when she’s writing from the homeland of the platypus, the only venomous mammal. However, the Great Gazoogle informs me that there are also three species of shrew that can inflict a venomous bite; and two species of Solenodon. What is more, the Slow Loris has “Glands on the inside of their elbows [which] secrete a toxin that smells like sweaty socks”.

OK, the male platypus can stab you with its vicious foreleg spur, but at least it doesn’t smell like sweaty socks.

By: Qetesh the Abyssinian

Qetesh the Abyssinian — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 11:17:25 +0000

D Sidhe, it's not just the 'nine-foot lizard'-ness of the komodo dragons, or the fact that they've got great big teeth (the better to rend you with). It's the fact that their spit is teeming with virulent bacteria, so even if they don't kill you right away, chances are good that you'll die of septicaemia later. Oh, and they can climb trees (at least the less weighty ones can), and stand on their hind legs. Right bastards, those lizards.

By: D. Sidhe

D. Sidhe — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 10:26:31 +0000

One of you people who are funnier than me needs to write up the bear and puma plan for Wikiality: The Truthiness Encyclopedia.

http://www.wikiality.com/Main_Page

By: M. Bouffant

M. Bouffant — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 09:16:22 +0000

For Special Ops, we may want to give these fellas a try.

By: DEMIZE!

DEMIZE! — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 05:35:57 +0000

Scopedogs,lots of Scopedogs, http://www.mahq.net/mecha/votoms/atvotoms/atm-09-st.htm

By: Simba B.

Simba B. — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 05:24:50 +0000

OMG! Someone totally has to tell Stephen Colbert about our plan!

By: D. Sidhe

D. Sidhe — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 05:05:16 +0000

Look, it’s gotta be fast, dammit, because the bears are going to hibernate in a couple months. Pandas don’t, but pandas are all wussies. How about a regiment of komodo dragons? Frickin’ nine foot lizards… Maybe with laser beams on their frickin’ foreheads… I’d run like hell.

I do wonder what Stephen Colbert would think of your bear plan, though.

By: RubDMC

RubDMC — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 04:46:13 +0000

Time to rouse the troops…

Onward, bears and pumas, marching as to war,
Boo-Boo bear and Yogi going on before.
Snagglepuss, the Master, leads against the foe;
Forward into battle see His banners go!

Refrain

Onward, bears and pumas, marching as to war,
Boo-Boo bear and Yogi going on before.

At the sign of triumph Satan’s host doth flee;
On then, bears and pumas, on to victory!
Hell’s foundations quiver at the shout of praise;
Brothers lift your voices, loud your anthems raise.

Refrain

Like a mighty army bears and pumas move;
Brothers, we are grooving where the saints have grooved.
We are not divided, all one body we,
One in hope and doctrine, one in charity.

Refrain

What the saints established that I hold for true.
What the saints believèd, that I believe too.
Long as earth endureth, bears the faith will hold,
Kingdoms, nations, pumas, in destruction rolled.

Refrain

Crowns and thrones may perish, kingdoms rise and wane,
But the bears and pumas constant will remain.
Gates of hell can never ‘gainst pumas prevail;
We have bears’ own promise, and that cannot fail.

Refrain

Onward then, ye pumas, join our happy throng,
Blend with ours your voices in the triumph song.
Glory, laud and honor unto bears shall bring,
This through countless ages bears and pumas sing.

( no apologies to the original lyricist, Sabine Baring-Gould, because it’s actually a very shitty, dreary song)