Aug
24
24
Shorter Peggy Noonan
Above: Q’est que c’est Peggy Noonan?
‘To Old Times: A toast to American troops, then and now.’
- I can’t wait until one day, years from now, when some American tourists crash their hot air balloon into an Iraqi hillside and a kindly old man greets them with a glass of brandy. Until then, stay classy, America.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.
MrWonderful said,
August 24, 2007 at 16:39
“And, while I have been and will continue to be a ditsy, scatter-brained romantic supporter of the administration that has abused and betrayed our fine military, and while I suppose I shall always defend the party that seeks, for narrow partisan gain, to cut back on resources to the V.A. and, wherever possible, deride and dismiss diagnoses of PTSD–because our fine soldiers in WW II suffered no such thing–I am content to know that, somewhere in Iraq, someone is drinking something and thinking something nice about our troops and, by extension, about me.”
Jake H. said,
August 24, 2007 at 16:55
Uhhhhhh she does know that we weren’t at war with France in World War II, right? And that the French wanted us to come and save them? That’s whatcha might call a “salient fact.” If her balloon touched down somewhere outside of Dresden and an 80-year-old in lederhosen named Horst whose entire family was killed by Allied bombers brought out a frothy stein of beer and a tub of sauerkraut, then maybe this story might be worth something.
Incidentally, I feel like Peggy’s leaving out a key part of this story. The part where she went, “Ick, what’s calvados? Don’t you know how to make a cosmo? Do you people have Bartles & Jaymes here?”
Gus said,
August 24, 2007 at 16:59
You can really see her as Reagan’s speechwriter here. Heavy on the empty platitudes, light on facts.
norbizness said,
August 24, 2007 at 17:00
If there’s any brandy left after her binge is over.
witkacy said,
August 24, 2007 at 17:28
Holy.Shit. You absolutely **CANNOT** satirize these people, I swear…You can’t out-silly them, or mock their inhumanity by extending it fully into “A Modest Proposal”…Balloons & Calvados & Lieutenant Dan!
Davis said,
August 24, 2007 at 17:38
Nothing but sentimental pap. I hesitate to make fun, though. She might be slipping into dementia.
Barney said,
August 24, 2007 at 17:44
Is Peggy imitating her beloved Ronnie by getting Alzheimer’s? She appears to be lost in memories of many years ago, while unable to comprehend what happens from day to day in the real world. Does she really think that the average Iraqi, after hundreds of thousands of deaths in the last four years, Abu Ghraib, Haditha and all the rest (look, the BBC has produced a cut-out-and-keep guide to the major cases in Iraq, but that isn’t all of them), will ever think of American troops as a Good Thing?
Jake H. said,
August 24, 2007 at 17:44
She might be slipping into dementia.
What else would you call the notion that Iraqis are going to remember an unwelcome foreign occupier fondly because the soldiers are nice guys?
Can an entire country get Stockholm Syndrome?
J— said,
August 24, 2007 at 17:47
Noonan: “We should ponder, some day when this is over, what it is we do to grow such men, and women, what exactly goes into the making of them.”
Corn syrup. Lots and lots of corn syrup.
Righteous Bubba said,
August 24, 2007 at 17:53
I miss the Noonan pic in which she smiles wistfully at some off-screen slave-raping cannibal.
JoshWatermanMN said,
August 24, 2007 at 18:06
Classy?
I raise your “class” by one naked Iraqi male pyramid, Peggy.
dadanarchist said,
August 24, 2007 at 18:08
I thought the frogs were the Fifth Column of the Muslimoid conspiracy?
What’s the greater Noonan doing fraternizing with them?
Did that change with the election of Sarkozy? Did I miss a wingnut memo?
Johnny Coelacanth said,
August 24, 2007 at 18:13
I can has steely-eyed rocket man back, plz plz plz? Kthnxbai.
Jake H. said,
August 24, 2007 at 18:17
I’m sure the 18-year-old son of a laid-off auto mechanic from a small town in West Virginia is reading this in a bunker in Basra and saying to himself “It’s so inspiring to know that a ditzy rich woman thought about people like me during a lavish vacation spent floating around the French countryside in a hot-air balloon with her giggling idiot friends.”
mikey said,
August 24, 2007 at 18:26
The men who had fought their way through France hedgerow by hedgerow, who’d jumped from planes in the dark and climbed the cliffs and given France back to the French
Whoa. Ok. Listen carefully, Peg, I’ll try to use small words here. Why did the French so effusively welcome the americans? The French had been occupied by the Wehrmacht for four years. And citizens living under military occupation are always mistreated by the occupiers. Arrested, interrogated, watched. The pounding knock on the door late at night. The shouting, the anger and frustration, the foreign language. The insurgency that MUST come into being as some citizens would rather fight and die than live under the occupation. The brutal counter insurgency operations by the occupation forces. The endless, vicious cycle. The Americans came and ENDED the occupation of France. Pushed the German occupation forces out, let the French govern themselves again. You see that, right? Peg?
In Iraq, the Americans ARE the occupation force. They are the ones taking young men off the streets and putting them in camps. They are the ones kicking open the doors at night. They are the ones killing, firing indiscriminately, dropping bombs and artillery shells into neighborhoods. The analog to the Americans in your pretty little story, Peggy, is the Germans. And it is my suspicion that if some other nation were to invade Iraq and drive the Americans out, it is THAT nation for whom the Iraqis would save their Calvados…
mikey
zsa said,
August 24, 2007 at 18:45
mikey nails Peggy
kdaddy said,
August 24, 2007 at 19:01
This is the kind of piffle I blank out on perusing The Readers Digest at
my dentists’ office waiting to get some tarter scaled.
Jake H. said,
August 24, 2007 at 19:01
For the next week, every Fox News show will be filled with head-shaking regarding mikey’s “unfortunate” remarks comparing Our Troops to the Nazis.
J— said,
August 24, 2007 at 19:07
Great news, Peggy! We’ve got another Elián González saga! No word as of yet whether or not dolphins are involved.
Diogenes said,
August 24, 2007 at 19:11
Are you f’ing kidding me? There is no way in hell anyone can actually believe that Iraqis view as as benevolent liberators today, if anyone ever believed that at all. After 70,000+ dead and the complete devastation of the country I’m thinking that hypothetical scenario on the future Iraqi hillside will be closer to this:
“…wind up over the hills of Iraq, and land, and an old guy comes out and says, ‘Are you an American?’ And they say yes and he unslings his rifle and opens fire.”
Dorothy said,
August 24, 2007 at 19:31
In Iraq, the Americans ARE the occupation force. They are the ones taking young men off the streets and putting them in camps. They are the ones kicking open the doors at night. They are the ones killing, firing indiscriminately, dropping bombs and artillery shells into neighborhoods. The analog to the Americans in your pretty little story, Peggy, is the Germans. And it is my suspicion that if some other nation were to invade Iraq and drive the Americans out, it is THAT nation for whom the Iraqis would save their Calvados…
Bang on, Mikey. That little tidbit right there seems to be completely invisible to every wingnut. Remember all the creaming over 300? Remember how not a single one of them could figure out that our army is not currently defending against an overwhelming invading force?
To the Iraqis, we’re the Germans. The British Colonials. The Persians. The Romans.
Where Iraq is concerned, we can’t claim for ourselves the bravery of Le Resistance, the ferocity of the Boers, the unified cooperation of the allied Greeks, or the steadfastness of the Maccabees.
Whether the invasion was right or wrong, whether we are a force for good in Iraq or not, we are still on wrong fucking end of the “holding out against a more powerful force” stories, and it astounds me that these people can’t see that.
I mean, good lord, can’t these people even get familiar enough with their Bible to say, “Hey, we’re like Darius and his massive conquering army sent by God to destroy the Babylonians and Assyrians for treating the Hebrews so badly! Sure, they may not be ‘free’, but at least Darius treated them waaaaaay better than the previous nutcases who were in charge.”
We can let people who are experts on the average Iraqi’s situation before and after the invasion argue about whether they are better off than under Sadaam, etc. But please, people, can’t we at least get the freaking archetype right?
Jake H. said,
August 24, 2007 at 20:06
Remember all the creaming over 300? Remember how not a single one of them could figure out that our army is not currently defending against an overwhelming invading force?
Well, remember, these people earnestly believe that teh Muslamunists are invading and outbreeding the West–”we” (white folks) are on the verge of perishing in the brown onslaught, if only we could find the will to fight back, like Leonidas!
tgb1000 said,
August 24, 2007 at 20:15
Another facelift on that one and she’ll have a beard.
Aaron said,
August 24, 2007 at 20:57
I don’t know about you folks, but I want a “good memory horde.” I bet they can totally kick the snot out of the “Dr. Bringdown Army” I see so often.
RubDMC said,
August 24, 2007 at 21:11
“But then there are all the stories that don’t quite make it to the top of the heap, and that in a way tell you more…The Internet is littered with these stories. So is Iraq.”
Yeah, if by “stories” we mean “corpses.”
Suezboo said,
August 24, 2007 at 21:37
Just FYI, Peg, Iraq is a Moslem country. That means old, sweet peasants don’t have bottles of brandy handy.
the_millionaire_lebowski said,
August 24, 2007 at 22:04
That means old, sweet peasants don’t have bottles of brandy handy.
Strangely, alcohol was more available under Saddam than after the overthrow. You’d think that red-blooded Americans would equate the availability of beer to freedom, but it seems not…
Matt said,
August 24, 2007 at 22:05
I believe what they will probably remember is Abu Ghraib, torture as a policy, and wholesale destruction of the infrastructure of their country. I doubt any one will be raising toasts.
And what’s with the hot air balloon–it’s like she’s making fun of her own column.
owlbear1 said,
August 24, 2007 at 22:07
Keep licking the bottom of that Barrel, PeggY!!
Duros62 said,
August 24, 2007 at 22:18
doubt any one will be raising toasts.
There’s no electricity. can’t even make toast.
HemlockEcho said,
August 24, 2007 at 22:53
I’m sure the 18-year-old son of a laid-off auto mechanic…
Jake H. wins. No other comment will be as funny as that. :)
DEMIZE! said,
August 25, 2007 at 0:54
#
Duros62 said,
August 24, 2007 at 22:18
doubt any one will be raising toasts.
There’s no electricity. can’t even make toast.
This ones in the running,Bravo.I have a real affinity for teh lack of electricity reference.Wi haz no juse,and itz 120 in teh shadz nau.KTHXBAI!11!!!!
Phoenician in a time of Romans said,
August 25, 2007 at 11:34
Well, remember, these people earnestly believe that teh Muslamunists are invading and outbreeding the West–”we” (white folks) are on the verge of perishing in the brown onslaught, if only we could find the will to fight back, like Leonidas!
This would be the Leonidas of the Sparta which, in the movies, talked endlessly about “freedom and liberty” and in reality was built on a particularly ruthless slavery enforced with more bloodshed than any other Greek city?
I can see why there might be certain parallels…
Phoenician in a time of Romans said,
August 25, 2007 at 11:35
You’d think that red-blooded Americans would equate the availability of beer to freedom, but it seems not…
If it’s an American beer, the Iraqis might prefer Abu Ghraib.
res ipsa loquitur said,
August 25, 2007 at 13:52
It goes without saying that I don’t believe a word that the decrepit harridan who leads up The Neverending Wingnut Harpy Conga Line™, but I really do think she is pulling these anecdotes not even out of her wrinkled old ass, but rather, out of movies. Last week the anecdote that opened her column was ripped right out of the opening scenes of “In The Name of the Father.” This week … I don’t know. But I could swear I have seen this anecdote dramatized in a movie or book someplace.
flatfoot said,
August 26, 2007 at 2:02
If the ballon was floating over a hill in Iraq add someone pushed Peggy out. That might get the locals excited.
JOANNE G MURPHY said,
August 27, 2007 at 23:04
I once remarked that Noonan exhibited the personality of an infected tooth. That was after her venomous “literary” attack on Hillary Clinton, and she hasn’t improved.
But to paraphrase the critic John Barbour’s infamous pan of “Hurry Sundown”, dissing Noonan is like tripping a dwarf.