The mad Dr. Strangekraut Lovehammer declares, “Mein Dubya! I can surge!”
We should have given up on Nouri al-Maliki long ago and begun to work with other parties in the Iraqi parliament to bring down the government, yielding either a new coalition of less sectarian parties or, as Pollack has suggested, new elections.
The choice is difficult because replacing the Maliki government will take time and because there is no guarantee of ultimate political success. Nonetheless, continuing the surge while finally trying to change the central government is the most rational choice because the only available alternative is defeat — a defeat that is not at all inevitable and that would be both catastrophic and self-inflicted.
So basically, we’re going to either:
a.) Topple the Iraqi government through “other parties” in the country (*COUGH!* Military coup! Go Chalabi! *COUGH!*)
b.) Force the Iraqis to vote until they elect a government we approve of.
All of which makes me go…
This sort of “planning” is so stupid, that I’ve decided to concoct one of my own. Let me know what you think:
So after our release-wild-bears-and-pumas-into-the-streets gambit inevitably fails, I think we should work on a plan that will literally put the fear of God into the Iraqis until they all hold hands and sing Dan Fogelberg’s mellow brand of vagina rock throughout the hills of Basra (if Basra has hills, that is… since I’m a product of the American education system, I still don’t know how to read a map).
The first step will require the slaughter of every household’s first-born child. Moses used this technique to good effect against the ancient Egyptians, and I see no reason why it shouldn’t work this time. But if this fails to pacify the ungrateful Iraqis, I suggest a bold new strategy: we begin bribing insurgents not to kill people. For every week an insurgent goes without setting up a roadside bomb or opening fire in a crowded marketplace, that insurgent will receive $15,000 and a box of ho-hos. Given that there are roughly 70,000 or so insurgents in Iraq right now, I calculate that this plan will cost us $1,050,000,000 per week, or roughly half of what we’re paying to occupy Iraq right now.
Now that we’ve defeated the insurgency through a combination of wanton child slaughter and bribes, we’ll have to topple the current Iraqi government via a military coup. And what will we replace it with, you ask? Well that’s the best part! We’re going to take all the illegal immigrants currently working in America and deport them to Iraq, where they’ll become the de facto leaders of the country! This works out wonderfully, since those sneaky Meskins have been trying to reconquista the southwestern part of America for years. This is our way of saying to them, “Hey! Chicanos! If you have a hankerin’ for reconquista-in’, you can reconquista this li’l desert country over here! Hope ya like falafel! Ta-hilk-hilk-hilk!”
So what do you think, guys? Does this plan of mine make any less sense than what Krauthammer advocates?
UPDATE: Pere’s right, I need to fit giant robots in here somewhere. Maybe we can use them to “deal with” the illegal immigrants if they fail to gain legitimacy as a shadow government.
Gavin adds: How about a robo-Hussein? He’d be just like Saddam Hussein, except (and here’s the best part). . .a robot.