Aug
14

Wouldja Look At The Bags O’ Sand On That One!




Posted at 18:13 by D. Aristophanes

Ace:

In related news, Scientific American reports it’s a true pleasure to touch a woman’s breasts, how they feel like bags of sand, how they so pleasingly as they clatter as they heave backwards and forwards.

Ace is all for gazing at the clattering, sandy mantlepiece when he’s stoking the bacon-and-Play-Doh …

Seriously, though, the theory that Ace has never actually been intimate with a woman is now officially a Law.

Bradrocket adds: To be fair to the Acemeister (Christ, never thought I’d be saying that), I believe this was a play on a joke made in the 40-Year-Old Virgin. If it wasn’t, then clearly irony has had salt poured all over her grave.

D. Aristophanes adds: Doh! A joke? There’s still the clattering and the heaving of the backwards and forwards and the bacon and Play-Doh …

50 Comments »

  1. Simba B. said,

    August 14, 2007 at 18:23

    He’s clearly flustered by the though of being intimate with a notMan. Look at how it messed up his grammar.

  2. atheist said,

    August 14, 2007 at 18:27

    This is definitely like something out of that old “Bizzarre Sex” comic book.

  3. Emperor U.S.A. (the naked truth) said,

    August 14, 2007 at 18:32

    clat·ter /?klæt?r/ [klat-er]
    –verb (used without object) 1. to make a loud, rattling sound, as that produced by hard objects striking rapidly one against the other: The shutters clattered in the wind.

    Robot boobies, maybe?

  4. AshPlant said,

    August 14, 2007 at 18:35

    “Scientific American Breakthrough: Men Say They’ve Had More Sex Partners Than They’ve Really Had”

    We now go live to Ace Of Spuds.

    ‘How many bit – women have I slept with? Playdoh and bacon! It must not touch us!!…..I mean, one.’

  5. Pinko Punko said,

    August 14, 2007 at 18:38

    DA, you should hold an inapt/inept simile contest.

    “Ace’s writing is so awkward it’s like a balloon animal pancake”

    wait, what?

    Breasts clatter??? Maybe on a cast iron real doll. Jesus H!

  6. Trevor said,

    August 14, 2007 at 18:40

    Not that Ace doesn’t have some weird sexual hangups, but I think he’s referencing a joke from 40-Year-Old Virgin, where the titular (heh) character uses the sandbags metaphor to describe something with which he is unfamiliar. Ace’s joke doesn’t make a whole lot of sense in the context of the post, but I’m pretty sure it’s meant to be a callback.

  7. TRex said,

    August 14, 2007 at 18:41

    “clatter”? “bags of sand”?

    I’m speechless.

  8. tigrismus said,

    August 14, 2007 at 18:43

    I don’t know why his description of breasts makes me think of this

  9. Big Kahuna Burger said,

    August 14, 2007 at 18:47

    He’s clearly flustered by the though of being intimate with a notMan. Look at how it messed up his grammar.
    And look how he phrased the comparison: “most men claim 15….[on the other hand] most men claim 6″ Whatcha thinking about there, ole Acey boy?

  10. Mrs. Tarquin Biscuitbarrel said,

    August 14, 2007 at 18:50

    Excellent, tigrismus! Though Patsy’s clopping doesn’t sound like me.

    I’ve been sitting here at the computer trying to get some audio input out out of my own personal sandbags, but not a hertz. I’m trying to think if they ever have made any noise, and the only breast-related sounds I can think of are of other folks’ reactions to them.

    Ace, eat your poor pathetic heart out.

  11. Cheap Cynicism said,

    August 14, 2007 at 18:54

    He’s also apparently referencing barely-closeted Tobias from Arrested Development, in a scene when he testifying in court, trying very hard to come across as heterosexual:

    TOBIAS: Well, I spend so much time making sweet love on my wife that it’s hard to hear anything over the clatter of her breasts, and -
    OPPOSING COUNSEL: Your witness.

  12. mitch said,

    August 14, 2007 at 18:57

    Trevor’s right, Ace is trying to make a funny. I have no idea what the point is, though, as his joke falls apart when he tries to prove he is down with Teh Pop Culture. Watching him flail around trying to be clever is like watching a monkey repeatedly shove a banana up its ass.

  13. g said,

    August 14, 2007 at 19:01

    How do sandbags – er, sorry, breasts – “heave backwards and forwards”?

    It seems anatomically impossible, if one is thinking of a Notman oriented as a normal human being. Breasts can heave side to side or up and down, but I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen a Notman’s breasts heave backwards and forwards.

    Ace has a unique mind. Or else he’s just crashingly stupid.

  14. thelogos said,

    August 14, 2007 at 19:07

    BKB…maybe it refers to the rampant homersexuality that Patty Robertson and his boy-toy Ace are so worried about.

  15. Righteous Bubba said,

    August 14, 2007 at 19:07

    What happens to a breast deferred?

    Does it dry up
    like a raisin in the sun?
    Or clatter like coconuts–
    One on one?
    Does it heave back like wrestlers winded?
    Or heave forward,
    like Elmer sitting on a pin did?

    Maybe it just sags
    like a bag of sand.

    Or does it wait for my hand?

  16. His Grace said,

    August 14, 2007 at 19:09

    Well, I have always thought that not-getting-laid was the central paradigm which explained the existence of the wankosphere and many related phenomenon.

  17. Marita said,

    August 14, 2007 at 19:11

    Oh, Bubba. That’s divine.

  18. Righteous Bubba said,

    August 14, 2007 at 19:16

    It’d be divine without typos. Boo hoo.

  19. Galactic Dustbin said,

    August 14, 2007 at 19:16

    I’d wager that it wasnt the fear of being in an actual shooting war that kept him from enlisting, its the fact that there are women in the military and he might actually have to talk to one.

    Being around groups of women must be terrifing for Ace; what with all that clanking and the air thick with the smell of bacon- no wonder he hides in his basement and at low rent gun shows.

  20. tigrismus said,

    August 14, 2007 at 19:27

    Ace is ragging on SciAm for an article they didn’t even publish- they just had a blog post about the original NYT story. Here’s another take on the article.

  21. bpower said,

    August 14, 2007 at 19:28

    “how they so pleasingly as they clatter as they heave backwards and forwards.”

    Are you guys sure we’re not laughing at someone with a mental disability? Cos I’m not cool with that.

  22. mikey said,

    August 14, 2007 at 19:33

    Do your boobs hang low
    Do they clatter too and fro
    Can you tie them in a knot
    Can you tie them in a bow
    Are they stately? Are they grand?
    Are they heaving bags of sand?
    Do your boobs hang low?

    mikey

  23. g said,

    August 14, 2007 at 19:36

    Ah. From the sublime to the….

    When do we start with the fart jokes?

  24. Slim Tyranny said,

    August 14, 2007 at 19:44

    He’s actually making a decent reference (since I like 40 yr old virgin).

    Ironic, giving his obliviousness to the Scott Thomas black humor re: organ donors. I can only say that, while Thomas’s joke was a joke that didn’t require movie knowledge, Ace’s does, so Ace still is more clueless.

  25. Legalize said,

    August 14, 2007 at 20:05

    The fuck? Breasts “clatter”? They clatter? The heave backward and forward? What does that even mean? Up and down whilst jogging, maybe? Sand?

    I swear, this might just be one of the top 5 stupidest days of the wingnut blog-o-sphere. I’m so happy to have been exposed to it. Thanks a lot!

  26. Lesley said,

    August 14, 2007 at 20:37

    Scientific American says (?) women’s breasts clatter – what, like cutlery in a drawer during an earthquake? Plates when you drop them on the floor? And feel like bags of sand? Bags of sand, like um, those things used to shore up dykes during a flood?

    Ace, where’s the link to the SA page that says that?

    It’s becoming apparent that Ace has never had contact with a human breast…

    Even so, what would possess him to imagine breasts make noises when they move? And even if breasts were like bags of sand, which they are not, has he walked on sand? It doesn’t clatter.

    Someone should pay a practical joke on this silly man. Hire a gal (hell, hire a man…since real attributes don’t matter), outfit her/him with a prothesis of sandbags with clattery things in them (if this is even achievable) and when Ace gets down to business, have them break.

  27. t4toby said,

    August 14, 2007 at 20:44

    I once encountered sandbag-like breasts, but they were attached to TS Tammi, who was not worth the money, let me tell you…

  28. Lesley said,

    August 14, 2007 at 20:49

    oh i see, ha ha ha. breasts are clattery sandy heavy thingies…scientific american says…because they got something else wrong they also said clattery and sandy and breasty. ho ho ho funny, ace.

    (naught!)

  29. Big Kahuna Burger said,

    August 14, 2007 at 21:44

    Ummm, why does Ace compare “most men” claiming 15 partners and with “most men” saying six? Guess the inability to complete the comparison with notMen was just a Freudian dick cigar slut SLIP– SLIP, I tells ya!! I know, Ace, I know– after all those long, recycled rants about being jackhammered in the rectum, you just can’t repress it anymore.

  30. LA Confidential Pantload said,

    August 14, 2007 at 21:56

    Ace of Spades, he had a farm
    Bacon-and-play-doh
    And on this farm he had some breasts
    Bacon-and-play-doh

    With a clack-clack here
    And a clack-clack there

    ……ah, fuck it, won’t somebody just strangle me with razor wire before I go back to any more of these wingnut sites?

  31. sophie brown said,

    August 14, 2007 at 22:14

    Actually (and you might want to file this under “too much information”) if a breast that feels like sand, that might be a symptom of fibrocystic breast disease. That condition can make the breast tissue feel “granular”. Drinking too much soda or other caffeine can make it worse.

    I have no explanation for “clattering backwards and forwards” line. It sounds really hard on the spine.

  32. g said,

    August 14, 2007 at 22:33

    I can only think of one body position where one’s breast would heave backwards and forwards, and I don’t think Ace has had experience with that.

  33. blowback said,

    August 14, 2007 at 22:57

    Sir Ben Kingsley is obviously not happy with Mary-Kate Olsen’s sandbags.

  34. Righteous Bubba said,

    August 14, 2007 at 23:05

    Sir Ben Kingsley

    I can’t believe they elected him president of Afghanistan after the way he tried to kill that really hot alien babe.

  35. Qetesh the Abyssinian said,

    August 15, 2007 at 1:12

    Watching him flail around trying to be clever is like watching a monkey repeatedly shove a banana up its ass.

    Ewwwww. Is that a peeled banana? They’re not very robust, y’know.

  36. Qetesh the Abyssinian said,

    August 15, 2007 at 1:18

    Mikey, I’m waiting for the day when I can sling ‘em over my shoulders and knot ‘em around the front. That way, if some young skuzzball thinks he can terrify an old granny, I’ll just slip the knot and they’ll spring back over my shoulders and take out both his eyes.

    Ha, that’ll teach the little snot to think he can bully old ladies. Sadly, those days are still to come, as I can still pass the pencil test.

    The clattering, now, I can do that. I like to amaze at parties by using them as maraccas. Really starts the evening off with a bang. Or a clatter.

  37. Snowwy said,

    August 15, 2007 at 1:25

    OK, the imagery in this comment thread is getting to be too much for poor poor delicate me. I’m'a gonna move on.

  38. Herr Doktor Bimler said,

    August 15, 2007 at 2:19

    The clattering, now, I can do that. I like to amaze at parties by using them as maraccas.
    Maracas. Scrota. ‘Nuff said.

  39. mikey said,

    August 15, 2007 at 2:41

    Y’know, Quetesh, I don’t have a lot of musical skills, but I’d be delighted to play maraccas in your band.

    What?

    Just sayin….

    mikey

  40. Left_Wing_Fox said,

    August 15, 2007 at 4:24

    When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
    I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
    Away to the window I flew like a flash,
    Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
    The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
    Gave the lustre of mid-day to sandbags below,

  41. Gavin M. said,

    August 15, 2007 at 5:04

    Bubba, I broke a rule and went in and fixed the typo.

    Damn that’s a good one.

  42. SqueakyRat said,

    August 15, 2007 at 5:35

    Dad: “But why won’t you marry her? She’s young, she’s rich, she’s got great . . . bags of sand?!”

    Ace: “I don’t want great bags of sand! I just want . . . to sing!’

  43. Herr Doktor Bimler said,

    August 15, 2007 at 6:59

    Though I am old with wandering
    Through hollow lands and hilly lands,
    I will find out where she has gone
    And kiss her lips and take her hands;
    And walk among long dappled grass,
    And pluck till every troll is banned,
    The silver apples of the moon,
    The lovely clatt’ring bags of sand.

  44. Herr Doktor Bimler said,

    August 15, 2007 at 7:00

    I think I just threw up a sash.

  45. Righteous Bubba said,

    August 15, 2007 at 7:07

    Bubba, I broke a rule and went in and fixed the typo.

    I am tremendously grateful.

  46. Phoenician in a time of Romans said,

    August 15, 2007 at 11:49

    Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves’ eyes within thy locks: thy hair is as a flock of goats, that appear from mount Gilead.
    Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn, which came up from the washing; whereof every one bear twins, and none is barren among them.
    Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet, and thy speech is comely: thy temples are like a piece of a pomegranate within thy locks.
    Thy neck is like the tower of David builded for an armoury, whereon there hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men.
    Thy two breasts are like two young bags that are of sand, which swing among the clattering.

  47. Qetesh the Abyssinian said,

    August 15, 2007 at 14:12

    Who you sayin’ looks like a goat?

    Bloody Solomon.

  48. Anne Laurie said,

    August 15, 2007 at 23:02

    I’ve been sitting here at the computer trying to get some audio input out out of my own personal sandbags, but not a hertz. I’m trying to think if they ever have made any noise, and the only breast-related sounds I can think of are of other folks’ reactions to them…

    I’ve been told that in pornographic cartoons, when the heroine tears off her brassiere to unleash her mighty bazooms, a humorous FWAP! or KABOINGOING!!! noise will be inserted. Perhaps this says something about Ace’s primary experience with the not-masculine gender?

  49. Desert Rat said,

    October 17, 2007 at 4:16

    Guys, lay off of Ace. He’s either a closeted gay man (but it’s one of those huge walk in closets, that actually has doors that open into two different bedrooms, and the door to the closet from the other bedroom is wide open), or he’s a virgin.

    There’s no way somebody could refer to female genitalia as “bacon” and “play-doh”, female breasts as “bags of sand”, or coitus “moving backwards and forwards” who had ever had sex with a woman. Or he could be the poor stupid man’s Tom Wolfe in disguise, I suppose.

  50. Hat said,

    May 14, 2013 at 22:47

    Hi,I am Loocar. Come from Malaysia. I am a High School Student. Like thinking, reading science article, and love hacking my electronic device(like Kindle Keyboard or my phone). Close to become a Otaku(But haven’t yet), Love Arrange something. A bit of a clean freak. Nice Blog!Cufflinks

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