Jul
31
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Shorter Michael Medved
Above: The mustache of religious superiority
‘The Hidden Basis for Hostility to Israel -and America’
- America and Israel together are the godliest of nations — which is the real reason why the rest of the world hates them.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.
Candy said,
July 31, 2007 at 21:29
Oh, great… I just got used to thinking they hate us for our freedoms, but now I learn they hate us for our godliness? I’ll have to get a new set of tee shirts printed up.
InsaneInTheCheneyBrain said,
July 31, 2007 at 21:38
Yeah, because hating us for policies that directly affect them would be too… rational.
DJShay said,
July 31, 2007 at 21:39
Every time I see his name, I smell popcorn.
steve_e said,
July 31, 2007 at 21:45
Damn, not only are we on the side of Good, we are practically gods! Truly, only the most humble and honorable men would believe themselves to be the diviners of God’s will. American conservatives are fucking terrorist wannabes.
“…between faith in a compassionate God and the maintenance of military strength that allows decency and kindness to flourish.” What does the military have to do with allowing decency and kindness to flourish? Actually, that doesn’t even make the slightest bit of sense. A military is supposed to protect a nation from invasion or an attack from a foreign entity.
If you think it is a bad idea to murder civilians, you are evil and deserve to die, which we were already going to do to demostrate our decency and kindness. That’s straight from Neocon Lies Used To Trick Ignorant Conservatives 101.
Suicidal Zebra said,
July 31, 2007 at 21:52
Well, that explains why Canada smells so fresh….
Aaaaahhhhhh
tigrismus said,
July 31, 2007 at 21:57
I now fully expect those on the Right to cease all their rhetoric about how immoral America is, and how Hollywood/homosexuals/abortion/sin-of-the-month goads the terrorists.
John T said,
July 31, 2007 at 22:06
If, by “godly” you mean “Old Testament angry smiting God” and not “New Testament God-is-Love God”, then America and Israel are pretty goddamn godly nations aren’t they?
Saudi Arabia said,
July 31, 2007 at 22:08
the godliest of nations
HellOOOO, Mecca and Medina ova heah, centa of global pilgrimage, Kaaba, and theacratic funless zone par excellance! What am I, beheaded liver?
His Grace said,
July 31, 2007 at 22:09
You know I really can’t count the times I have traveled to different countries, been greeted warmly because of my nationality and been told “Thank Stalin that Canada is under the control of godless atheists. We hate those pious bastards in America and Israel.”
Pope Benedict XVI said,
July 31, 2007 at 22:38
the godliest of nations
Why, Vatican City, of course. Mecca and Medina have defects.
Smiling Mortician said,
July 31, 2007 at 22:50
I’m sorry. Does he think that photo is attractive? I mean really. And no, this isn’t looksism. This is pure douchebag-grinning-in-an-appallingly-smarmy-wayism. So let’s just keep those sammiches holstered.
Jake H. said,
July 31, 2007 at 22:54
I’m sorry. Does he think that photo is attractive? I mean really. And no, this isn’t looksism. This is pure douchebag-grinning-in-an-appallingly-smarmy-wayism. So let’s just keep those sammiches holstered.
I absolutely cannot look at Medved without thinking of a bumbling and ineffectual secondary bad-guy character from Time Chasers, a zero-budget sci-fi movie from the early ’90s that was MST3Ked up a treat. I believe Crow even points out the resemblance during the movie.
mikey said,
July 31, 2007 at 22:54
Hokay, lemme see if I’ve got this straight.
When those guys flew those airplanes into those buildings ’cause god told them to, it was the worst, most evilest thing that’s ever happened in the history of evil acts.
But when we invade and occupy foreign nations with whom we are at peace, destroying the lives and livelihoods of millions, killing hundreds of thousands of them because god told us to, it’s the greatest expression of godly devotion, selflessness and love possible.
Right. Um, I gotta go, I think I hear my mom calling…
mikey
Sophist, FCD said,
July 31, 2007 at 23:28
Next he’ll explain how carts pull horses…
Kathleen said,
July 31, 2007 at 23:31
next they’ll hate us for our cleanliness.
Legalize said,
July 31, 2007 at 23:36
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Wait. Just a God damn. Minute. I thought they hated us because of the liberal filth that has polluted our God damned godliness - you know, the fags, dykes, hippies, women, poor people, blacks, college educated, sushi-eaters (yum), et al who have caused good God damn God-fearing white men like Medved to occasionally glance at gay porn.
PLEASE, just tell us what they REALLY hate, and we’ll like go kill the people who do that shit, or something - yes, or use the able-bodied for slave labor.
ec1009 said,
August 1, 2007 at 0:19
No No No legalize. The terrorists hate us for our freedom. That is why Bush is first abolishing our freedom. Nothing will piss Bin Laden off more. One cannot be evil with nothing to hate.
GOD hates us for our liberals. God sent Al Quida to attack us to prevent gay pride parades. When freedom is abolished, we will then kill all of the liberalofaggottofueatinghippies to make God happy. With a happy God on our side, victory in the WARONTERRA will be ours.
Dr.BDH said,
August 1, 2007 at 0:46
Hey, look, over there! Mike Adams is upset about Che Guevara t-shirts! Wingnuts got nothin’ these days, do they?
Simba B. said,
August 1, 2007 at 0:51
It escapes me who said this first, but it seems appropriate for the religious nuts out there in the vast wasteland of WingNet—isn’t it “interesting” (in a chin-stroking, well-isn’t-that-conveniiiiient sense) that God hates the same things they do?
ec1009 said,
August 1, 2007 at 1:07
God hates squash?
Qetesh the Abyssinian said,
August 1, 2007 at 1:17
They’re all wrong: they hate us for our blondes. God included.
Gundamhead said,
August 1, 2007 at 1:24
“I absolutely cannot look at Medved without thinking of a bumbling and ineffectual secondary bad-guy character from Time Chasers, a zero-budget sci-fi movie from the early ’90s that was MST3Ked up a treat. I believe Crow even points out the resemblance during the movie.”
“Micheal Med-dead!”-Crow T. Robot as bad-guy aims a gun at the heroes.
I think the real Medved is much creepier looking though. I dunno. He kinda scares me.
Snorghagen said,
August 1, 2007 at 1:59
So if the Islamists hate godliness, does that mean that they’re really closet atheists who stick Darwin fish on their Volvos and read Richard Dawkins? Or does it mean that they are godly, but that their godliness is absolutely evil, and that it forms an explosive vortex of horror when it comes into contact with the absolutely pure godliness of Medved?
Pantene commercial lady said,
August 1, 2007 at 2:07
I don’t know about the rest of y’all, but they hate me because I’m beautiful.
mikey said,
August 1, 2007 at 2:27
They hate that hot chick on the Jenny Craig commercial, and that’s all it takes to get me saddled up and sortied out against the evildoers. Fuckers. I think she’s fucking HOT!!
mikey
HumboldtBlue said,
August 1, 2007 at 2:31
Umm, they hate us because we won’t pass the spliff.
Qetesh the Abyssinian said,
August 1, 2007 at 3:14
I don’t know about you, but I hate him for his moustaches.
Legalize said,
August 1, 2007 at 4:30
“So if the Islamists hate godliness, does that mean that they’re really closet atheists who stick Darwin fish on their Volvos and read Richard Dawkins? Or does it mean that they are godly, but that their godliness is absolutely evil, and that it forms an explosive vortex of horror when it comes into contact with the absolutely pure godliness of Medved?”
Malkin? Medved? Hmmmmm? Where is teh right on this question? I think we deserve an answer.
In other news, someone just please tell me who I’M SUPPOSED TO HATE! Is it the godless Muslims? The godFULL muslims? The Gays, who by definition, are Godless Muslims, and probably hate America for its Freedom and likely its Godfullness? The Democrofascists? Possibly America itself for its perceived lack of Godfullness by the Godless Muslims?
It really sucks not hating anyone. :(
Snorghagen said,
August 1, 2007 at 5:11
someone just please tell me who I’M SUPPOSED TO HATE!
No problem. There are large, well-funded organizations staffed by highly trained professionals who are eager to provide you with the guidance you need.
Hysterical Woman said,
August 1, 2007 at 5:37
Hell, I hate Che shirts. Most of the people wearing them have no idea who he is.
atheist said,
August 1, 2007 at 5:48
I hate that chef on that “Hell’s Kitchen” reality TV show. What a dick.
RubDMC said,
August 1, 2007 at 7:12
“God sent Al Quida to attack us to prevent gay pride parades.”
You forgot Hurricane Katrina. God also sent Hurricane Katrina to stop a gay pride parade. God is the master of overstatement.
Or is that ‘Master of Overstatement?’
HairlessMonkeyDK said,
August 1, 2007 at 7:13
Wait, what?
First they told us that OBL attacked the U.S because of Teh Uppity Wimmins and Teh Ghey…
Now, they tell us it was because of the U.S’s piety?
Round and round the logic goes
what holocaust it ends in
nobody knows!
The Visigoth said,
August 1, 2007 at 13:50
So, Israel is a “godly” country, eh? HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Boy, I can’t wait to see Mike Medved’s face when he gets to decadent urban Israel and realizes it’s pretty much got all the good-old fashoined godless sleaze you’d expect from any three Balkan countries. I’ve seen stuff in Israeli nightclubs that are far, far worse than any German sex club - feces eating, for instance.
You can always judge how civilized a country is by the availability of porno mags. If so, Israel is one of the most civilized countries around.
All this is not surprising because, for the most part, Israel pretty much IS a nutty European country, demographically speaking.
Anyway, if El Walrus Moustachio had more sense, he’d argue the opposite of what he’s arguing: that the secret of Israeli moral high ground is its irreligiosity, its secularity, in contrast with all these oligarchic, superstitious states that surround it.
If the Middle East voted for President, Israel would be the one Blue State surrounded by a sea of Red.
(And of course, those cool cats up in Beirut, capital of the jet-set, concorde generation that loved three martini lunches and casinos. Nothing makes me want to cry more than see modern, war-torn Beirut, a wreck of a once glamorous city that will probably never exist again. Katrina’s job on New Orleans was nowhere near as bad.)
Actually, this analogy is getting better and better the more I think about it: does that make Saudi Arabia the Middle East’s “Texas,” home to oil-rich assholes with an economy based on exploitative labor of immigrants? Man, we attacked the wrong country. We should have gone after the Saudis, who really WERE responsible for 9/11.
I’d sign up in a heartbeat for a truly justified war like that. Hell yeah. To get the chance to bust a dum-dum in the groceries of some overpriveledged little Saud Royal Family snot that gets $50,000 bucks a year for doing nothing? It’s the dream of every kid that ever wanted to hurl a TOW Missile at the Mercedes-Benz of the local Draco Malfoy-equivalent. Don’t forget breaking the chains of all those Palestinian migrant workers brainwashed by exploitative oligarchs into blaming their problems on the Evil Hebrews. It’d be like that scene in INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM where the freed slave kids run over the tables and silverware.
The Visigoth said,
August 1, 2007 at 13:56
And who was it that said Mike Medved looks like the TIME CHASERS guy? Mike’s more like the gaunt and creepy love-child of the TIME CHASERS guy and Solomon Kane, if raised by a family of walruses.
Larry said,
August 1, 2007 at 14:22
And the Lord sayeth, “thou shalt invade thine neighbors every five minutes, and characterizeth the massive civilian casualties ‘collateral damage’ or ‘regrettable,’ for these be the ways of the holiest of nations.”
Larry said,
August 1, 2007 at 14:31
“Don’t forget breaking the chains of all those Palestinian migrant workers brainwashed by exploitative oligarchs into blaming their problems on the Evil Hebrews.”
Yes, how ever could we forget that? Those poor brainwashed Palestinians who foolishly think that Israel is the root of their problem.
Frederick Jones said,
August 1, 2007 at 21:51
Is Larry talking about suicide bombers? or a constant rain of missiles?
LanceThruster said,
August 3, 2007 at 1:01
If by ‘godly’ ones means leadership forsaking rationalism for mythology then yes, they’re why so many hate them. Unfortunately many of the haters are also beholden to their particular mythology.
They ALL need to learn that “My god says so!” is not an argument and an argument *plus* “My god says so!” is not a better argument.
Someone said,
December 15, 2007 at 3:07
They hate you because you support the evilest powers of the world who would, and have before, kill you without a second thought. 9/11 was part of there plan dickheads, it was us military planes that hit those buildings, one of the so called planes that crashed, landed at an airport. another disappeared probably at the bottom of the ocean. You say bullshit. Many witnesses who saw it close up said, “it was no airliner” “it had no windows!” Shit. Anyone can figure out it was a set up!
It was a plot to start an invasion, part of israels evil plan. Get a clue.
dr said,
December 30, 2007 at 2:06
I read most of the comments below. Does everyone feel better now? Isn’t it great that your life now had real meaning and significance?