Sometimes, it’s not so difficult to figure out. Faux tough-guy Fred Thompson, for example, has been the beneficiary of a running series of Chuck Norris-type jokes, called ‘The Fred Thompson Facts,’ which has trickled up from the ooze of the wingnutosphere, metastasized in the neocon press and finally found purchase with mainstream GOP leg-humpers like Chris Matthews and the editors of the New Republic.
Produced daily by I.M.A.O., that shameless hussy of a blog which stole Jonah’s heart from us, the ‘Fred Thompson Facts’ have become a classic runaway meme, helping a ‘Hey! It’s That Guy!’-class actor transform himself into the toughest of the ruff-tuff cream puffs.
Frame, set, match: Wingnuts. . .right? Well, not so fast.
Far be it from us to mess with perfection (and really, that’s probably the least of our worries here), but we think I.M.A.O.’s ‘Fred Thompson Facts’ could use just a teensy, tinsy amount of tweaking.
(Not that we don’t have a begrudging sort of respect for the I.M.A.O.s of the world. After all, it’s sort of mulishly courageous to tackle humor as they do, from the opposite end of what is actually funny. Very few humorists can find comedy in the violent victimization of the marginalized by the overclass, largely because there isn’t any. But points to I.M.A.O. for trying. And even if their output isn’t — how shall we put it? — ‘funny in the slightest,’ at the very least it makes for a nice sort of homage to the Golden Age of Beer Hall comedy. . .a kind of living monument to the jackbooted stylings of those brownshirted stand-ups who, once upon a time, quite literally ‘killed’ at venues across Europe.)
So. Our new project, ‘Fixing the Fred Thompson Facts’, begins below, with a few that require our sprightly touch. After which we will take them one at a time, fixing each new ‘Fred Thompson Fact’ as it is produced by I.M.A.O., until they quit doing them out of shame, or Fred gets elected president, whichever comes first.
Fred Thompson Fact: Fred Thompson has on multiple occasions pronounced “nuclear” correctly.
Fixed Fred Thompson Fact: Fred Thompson has put on makeup on multiple occasions and done a line-reading of “nuclear” correctly.
FTF: Fred Thompson has blasted more people in the face with a shotgun than even Dick Cheney.
FFTF: Fred Thompson is not a fan of Maybelline products. . .but then, not everyone has the naturally plump eyelashes of Fred Thompson!
FTF: The reason Fred Thompson didn’t want to stay in the Senate for long is because all the extra scrutiny kept him from doing his favorite hobby: Prowling the streets at night killing drug dealers.
FFTF: ‘OMG! LETS TTLLY GO GT MAKOVRS!’ is a typical text by Fred Thompson to his BFF after a hard day of prancing about on a Hollywood set pretending to be tough.
FTF: Every night before going to sleep, Osama bin Laden checks under his bed for Fred Thompson.
FFTF: Fred Thompson recommends La Roche Posay Rosaliac Gelee Micellar Make-up Removal Gel for older men who struggle with pore clogging, followed by a light application of Rosaliac Anti-Redness Moisturizer. But be careful! warns Fred. Rinsing with soft water may actually be counterproductive. . .better to use a splash of one of the better bottled mineral waters available!
FTF: Fred Thompson took over what was Al Gore’s Senate seat, thereby dramatically reducing the Senate’s carbon footprint. Fred Thompson then created carbon offset offsets by wastefully burning hippies.
FFTF: Fred Thompson will be the first to say that not all cosmetic solutions have to cost an arm and a leg. . .just a few inches of belly flab! That’s right, Fred’s first choice in girdles is the relatively inexpensive High-Waist Control Nylon Panty Girdle from Emmuelle. And the best part? It’s also available in Spandex!
FTF: Fred Thompson once ended a filibuster by ripping out a Senator’s heart and showing it to him before he died.
FFTF: Fred Thompson once pretended so hard on a Hollywood set that he went through at least a fifth of a Cover Girl Honey Brown 515 eyebrow pencil during mid-scene touch-ups.
FTF: All your base are belong to Fred Thompson!
FFTF: All your base and eyeliner and lip gloss are belong to Fred Thompson!