26
Pastor Swank And Teh Writer’s Art
Above: Author of seminal 1981 jeremiad, “BILLY SQUIER:
TODAY’S SELF-ESTEEM YOUTH VOICE CHAMPION
DEMANDS HARD ROCK STROKING”
This reminiscence by Pastor Grant Swank about his time as a teacher at Regional Educational Alternative Learning school (sample quote: “It was real all right. More raw than real, however.”) displays many hallmarks of exemplary writing:
For instance, there was a meeting of staff with the assistant superintendent of schools. She was to talk to us about something psychological, that is, the psychology of this and that.
Good writers avoid jargon and other technical terms.
That subject matter really doesn’t matter, however. What did matter was that Ray, the director imported from Australia, introduced her with what he thought was a hardy-harhar chuckle intro. It had to do with masturbation. I can’t type out the exact detail in this article, but it had to do with masturbation.
Good writers sometimes employ repetition to humorous effect.
He could get by with that stroking…
Excellent writers provoke a powerful emotional response in their readers, such as uncontrollable snickering.
…for rarely did anyone from the little red superintendent of schools house up the road bother to walk into the REAL school. After all, that place—an old brick school building on a residential street—was where the castoff teens were housed. I called it a warehouse for troubled adolescents.
Good writers illustrate their work with colorful metaphors.
So with the higher echelon basically ignoring us day upon day, Ray could get by with his inept, tawdry administration. When he met at the superintendent’s building for meetings, his Australian accent and slanted sense of humor apparently giggled them all into accepting him as quite the novel educator.
Good writers sometimes display their mastery of language by playfully using commonplace words in unconventional ways.
I think back when Sue Gendron was Windham superintendent of schools. It was her call that we worked under. Yes.
Good writers use short, choppy sentences to build tension.
Because she was such an outstanding person as well as impressive educator, she was elected Superintendent of the Year. There were signs all over town congratulating her. The women on staff went out of their way to stroke another woman who had made it up the ladder.
The very best writers are often so good that they could be described as poets, yet don’t know it.
Barrett Brown said,
July 26, 2007 at 22:19
Your satirical takings-on done you’ve giggle me.
Bubba said,
July 26, 2007 at 22:21
Damn you, Travis, you giggled me in my cube, causing her that we worked under to get stroked. Yes.
Candy said,
July 26, 2007 at 22:22
It’s “Squier” not “Squire”. :)
Someone should tell Pastor Swank about the miracle of powder before photographs. The glare off his forhead could bring down an airliner.
Okay, I’m done nitpicking now. I’m just in a bad mood because I have to clean house…
Simba B. said,
July 26, 2007 at 22:26
Are we sure Swank isn’t some kind of parody? It’s so hard to tell these days…
Travis G. said,
July 26, 2007 at 22:30
Eek, you’re right, Candy. If it wasn’t Billy Squier I’d be sort of embarrassed. Even so, I’m-a leave it as is for artistic considerations.
Some Guy said,
July 26, 2007 at 22:33
Ray was not a spaghetti puller.
Legalize said,
July 26, 2007 at 22:47
“The women on staff went out of their way to stroke another woman who had made it up the ladder.”
Fucking HOT, dude.
sarah said,
July 26, 2007 at 22:55
i’m sure that his students were giggled into learning the english good. yes.
mikey said,
July 26, 2007 at 22:57
Well, I’m sure I’d have something to say about this if I had any freakin idea what he was talking about. It appears to go from psychology to masturbation to architecture to education to workplace politics to lesbian sex. But it never helps in any way with the transitions. It actually sounds like the cyphertext – it needs to be decoded. Maybe a one-time pad thai?
mikey
ryan said,
July 26, 2007 at 23:05
“met for meetings”
Jake H. said,
July 26, 2007 at 23:07
Fucking hell. A lot of things in this life disappoint, but Pastor Swank will never, ever, ever be one of them. I naturally assumed you had cherry-picked the weirdest and most awkward passages. I was wrong.
We had a committee meeting. The committee came up with nonsense for a party.
I picture him storming out of the committe meaning yelling “You all have come up with nonsense for a party!”
After all, that’s how I lasted on staff at the REAL school. Basically I lived by the philosophy that I could only do the little good that I could perform and had to leave the rest to raw.
Only a few were fortunate enough to be brought to cooked.
And when we couldn’t come up with something to contain these swearing, yelling, threatening teens from early morning till mid-afternoon, Ray left us with the guilt pattern that somewhere in our psyches there was a huge gap.
Uhhhh…whuh?
Then I copied out on the school copier what was needed to teach English and math lessons when it was my turn to hand out something to work with for an hour in a morning.
Bluh?
It’s kind of cool to read a column (free-writing experiment? Whatever you want to call it.) where he’s not really expressing any braindead wingnut ideas and confirm that he’s braindead with or without the politics.
bpower said,
July 26, 2007 at 23:25
“That subject matter really doesn’t matter, however. What did matter..”
The man’s a genius, see the way he’s subliminally plant the idea of masturbation in your head before he slams you down with the double mention in the next sentence. It’s like a spoken concerto or some shit.
MzNicky said,
July 26, 2007 at 23:25
All right, enough of this. It’s not nice to make fun of people who are trying to write in a language that’s clearly not their own.
After all, how well do you think your writing would translate if you had to write in Pastor Swank’s original tongue, which I’m assuming is cow’s? See? Next time perhaps you’ll type a mile in someone else’s keypad prior to when it is you that find that something is stroking up the ladder.
t4toby said,
July 26, 2007 at 23:26
This guy is a wonder to stoke. Note the none of self awareness. And also if he had of the spelling and grammar checking functions. Yes.
I think I’m getting this.
t4toby said,
July 26, 2007 at 23:28
WAIT A SECOND!!! THIS GUY WAS A TEACHER??!!!1?2??%#$%^&!!!1!
Duros62 said,
July 26, 2007 at 23:32
For instance, there was a meeting of staff with the assistant superintendent of schools. She was to talk to us about something psychological, that is, the psychology of this and that.
I dunno, I wasn’t listening.
I’ve never seen giggle as an adjective before. Interesting choice.
Then I copied out on the school copier what was needed to teach English….
Wait, WHAT???? Some bonehead let this guy teach ENGLISH???
Duros62 said,
July 26, 2007 at 23:36
It’s like a spoken concerto or some shit.
Yes, it does have a certain dischordant rhythm like a Stravinsky piece, all clangy and jangly.
See? Next time perhaps you’ll type a mile in someone else’s keypad prior to when it is you that find that something is stroking up the ladder.
Hey, you try typing in a mall and see how you like it!!!
J— said,
July 26, 2007 at 23:38
Last week it was toking. This week it’s stroking. What’ll it be next week—coking?
Principal Blackman said,
July 26, 2007 at 23:43
What’ll it be next week—coking?
Poking
mikey said,
July 27, 2007 at 0:02
You’re JOKING!
mikey
tigrismus said,
July 27, 2007 at 0:04
I recall going to the mall to purchase some English and math material from a homeschooling store…. Then I copied out on the school copier what was needed to teach English
Oh my sainted aunt, not only did he teach, he taught English.
The truly incompetent actually rise to the top.
Heh.
JK47 said,
July 27, 2007 at 0:48
There’s nothing like a little P-Swank to brighten up your day.
My favorite Sadly, No characters of all time:
1. Pastor Swank. You just know he’s always going to deliver grade-A wingnuttery with his distinct brand of tortured Swankian syntax. Today’s column is proof of why he’s the greatest: he’s not even really talking about anything, yet the results are spellbinding.
2. Dafyyd ab Hugh. I thought this guy was hilarious BEFORE I learned he liked to dress up in badger suits and rub up against other nerds in badger suits. A true wingnut legend. The picture of Dafyyd with the sammich is the all-time classic S,N photoshop. It’s timeless.
3. Marie Jon’. I always get excited whenever Ms. Jon’ appears here. One time she actually responded to one of my posts directly. She called me a “very stupid person.” It was awesome.
Honorable mention: Kaye Grogan, Coach Dave
Senator Ted said,
July 27, 2007 at 1:09
I recall going to the mall to purchase some English and math material from a homeschooling store…. Then I copied out on the school copier what was needed to teach English
Not only was there teaching and taughting, but there was copyright infringement! The pastor was Napster before Napster! (more rhyming).
Anne Laurie said,
July 27, 2007 at 1:17
Wait, WHAT???? Some bonehead let this guy teach ENGLISH???
It was a “school” for “troubled adolescents”. I think listening to Pastor Swank was part of their punishment. It’s a lot nastier than beating the kids with rubber hoses, and it doesn’t leave any physical marks. (Unless you count the welts where the poor kids beat their foreheads against a wall in an attempt to get the Swank-syntax out of their fevered brains… )
Twisted_Colour said,
July 27, 2007 at 1:27
I’m just waiting for Dr. Benway’s entrance into the narrative.
AkaDad said,
July 27, 2007 at 2:14
I’m in ur blogz, making u giggle…
Ginger Yellow said,
July 27, 2007 at 6:28
Damn you Travis. I almost made it to the end without snorting like a pig, but you got me with the stroking and the ladder and the flayvn.
HairlessMonkeyDK said,
July 27, 2007 at 7:01
Swank Yoda-yodelling is, yes.
I’d love to see a Swank/Grogan ´08! third-party campaign.
The debates would be hilarious.
And Ms. Jon’ could be their spokescreature.
Hell, I’d love to see the writing of a Swank/Grogan lovechild…
It’d be pure AWESOME.
superfly said,
July 27, 2007 at 8:07
If we could find something they disagree about, a debate between Pastor Swank and Marie Jon would be incredible.
Qetesh the Abyssinian said,
July 27, 2007 at 9:56
Roanoking?
Qetesh the Abyssinian said,
July 27, 2007 at 9:57
Mikey, the multiple-use phad thai is highly dangerous, and should be used only by the expert cypher-meister. Appropriate precautions should be followed to the letter.
Qetesh the Abyssinian said,
July 27, 2007 at 10:12
Dafyyd ab Hugh. I thought this guy was hilarious BEFORE I learned he liked to dress up in badger suits and rub up against other nerds in badger suits.
Badgers? We don’t need no stinkin’ badgers…
celticgirl said,
July 27, 2007 at 11:24
Can I just say a big Thank You to everyone who commented on this post – and a special stroke for the Master -Pastor Swank. I literally laughed so hard I cried. It’s possible I snorted like a pig in the process.
WAIT A SECOND!!! THIS GUY WAS A TEACHER??!!!1?2??%#$%^&!!!1!
Seriously, I really needed a good laugh. You all are the bestest.
Lesley said,
July 27, 2007 at 11:47
Gad, wouldn’t it be a hoot to sit through one of his sermons?
Fluffybunnyfeet said,
July 27, 2007 at 12:34
“What’ll it be next week—coking?
Poking”
Pastor Swank has quite obviously already been smoking…
And b-power? Yes, it’s the “…matter, matter…” patter-song from the second act of Gilbert & Sullivan’s “Ruddigore”. Let’s add plagiarism to the list of writing sins.
Dear god, I hope the man wasn’t actually teaching Creative Writing…
Mysticdog said,
July 27, 2007 at 21:21
““The women on staff went out of their way to stroke another woman who had made it up the ladder.”
You know, if there was more of this kind of congratulations among women, there would be no such thing as a glass ceiling:
“Dude! You’ve got to promote Rita today! She’s wearing that tight red V-neck shirt, and its miniskirt day for the girls in accounting!!!”
“Holy crap! Go get the camera, I’ll come up with something to promote her to!”
“Just give her my job, I’ll be fine!”
Hysterical Woman said,
July 27, 2007 at 23:52
And that’s where the stroking began.
Matt T. said,
July 28, 2007 at 6:48
I think y’all are off-base. Swank’s reliance on “stroking” isn’t some sort of rhyming scheme. It’s his silent homage to the artistry of Clarence Carter.
Pastor Swank! Pastor Swank! Pastor Swank! Awwwww, SHIT, Pastor Swank!