Jul
6

Haiku of Townhall




Posted at 6:48 by D. Aristophanes

Maggie Gallagher:

Polls just don’t matter
Except for the sort of polls
That say: Shun the fags

Steve Chapman:

Some of my best friends
Are black people who tell me
They really smell bad

Donald Lambro:

Fred Barnes’ tonsils called
They want their steady pounding
By Dubya’s cock back

Marvin Olasky:

To the wits who run
FireJoeMorgan-dot-com:
You take it from here

Larry Elder:

If the filthy rich
Won’t defend Mammon, who will?
Sigh. Et tu, Buffet?

Brent Bozell III:

How dare Liz Edwards
Give a free pass to folks who
Don’t mock her son’s death?!?

Mike S. Adams:

My tongue is in cheek …
My own sister’s cheek, that is!
Me: Witty! You: Ick.

Oliver North:

DOCS INSIDE THE WIRE!
MAN, I DO NOT NEED THIS SHIT!
I’M REALITY!

Ann Coulter:

Fact: Women are dumb.
Didja hear that, Time? Newsweek?
I want the cover!

Armstrong Williams:

Today’s lesson is:
I think you’re as ignorant
As a box of rocks

Jacob Sullum:

Is veto surge linked
To non-compliant Congress?
Breaking: Bear, shit, woods!

John Stossel:

Here’s a li’l secret:
Lonely Objectivist chicks
Waaay dig the porn ‘stache

Ken Blackwell:

Hey Rocky! Watch me
Pull a link to al-Qaeda
Right out of my ass!

Michelle Malkin:

Rowrrrr! Contrived outrage
Over ridiculous crap
Really gets me hot!

Herb London:

George Bush is rubber,
Europe’s glue! Infinity
dittoes, no takebacks!

Frank Gaffney:

Nine eleven nine
Eleven nine eleven
Nine eleven nine

William F. Buckley:

Tony Soprano?
Mezzo, alto, Yugo, yacht!
Sherry? Sherry! What?

52 Comments »

  1. Hysterical Woman said,

    July 6, 2007 at 7:03

    Shorter Brent: Expressing anger over injustice is the same as mocking someone for having a dead son.

  2. a different brad said,

    July 6, 2007 at 7:23

    David Eckstein……………..

    no.

  3. Some Guy said,

    July 6, 2007 at 7:45

    Hey Rocky! Watch me
    Pull a link to al-Qaeda
    Right out of my ass!

    Haha!

  4. J. A. Baker said,

    July 6, 2007 at 9:12

    As a native of Austin, TX, I’d like to apologize for the fact that our local university provides Wingnut Welfare for Marvin Olasky.

  5. Rocket J Squirrel said,

    July 6, 2007 at 9:12

    Aw, that trick never works.

  6. J. A. Baker said,

    July 6, 2007 at 9:15

    Herb London sez:

    A precipitous departure from Iraq, according to almost every commentator on the issue, would foster a regional war and embolden jihadists who would regard this American departure as a victory.

    Umm… yeah. In what fucking reality does “almost every commentator” just happen to oh so conveniently agree with you, Spanky?

  7. a different brad said,

    July 6, 2007 at 9:38

    Off topic- Bob and David are reuniting on stage. In Montreal, in 2 weeks, for two shows.
    Mr
    fucking
    Show

    How can I miss that?
    Gonna be expensive getting my passport renewed quick, tho.

  8. a different brad said,

    July 6, 2007 at 9:59

    Whoops. Shouldn’t over-advertize. They’re hosting a sketch show, so it’s not just them performing. But i’m still going up for it. The Kids in the Hall have reunited again for the festival, too.

  9. anon said,

    July 6, 2007 at 10:30

    Mike Adams on incest! Whack! Hack Attack! Incest!

    Mike Adams supports legalization of incest in North Carolina. It’s unclear if Mike Adams is personally involved in incest. It’s also unclear which of Adams’s friends, family, or colleague are involved in the armed movement to legalize incest or personally involved in incest.

    It’s a very moving piece at the beginning, then reality kicks in and Adams ends on a sour note by lamenting the tepid support given incest by all three major political parties. Genius! Why didn’t Glen Reynolds think of supporting incest? There’s still time. With any luck, Reynolds will link to it, and Drudge will run a flashing light: Incest Spat! Will Lieberman prevail? Will Schumer and Lott changes sides? Lynn Cheney: Incest and Proud? Dems Challenge for Incest! Incest Takes Haircut: NRO on Edwards!

    In the meantime, that beautiful haiku celebrates Mike Adams prize as the NRO’s leading incest researcher and advocate. And don’t think NRO takes incest lightly.

  10. RandomObserver said,

    July 6, 2007 at 10:48

    Freedomnomics: Why the Free Market Works and Other Half-Baked Theories Don’t

    Jesus, he really couldn’t even think of his own title?

  11. RandomObserver said,

    July 6, 2007 at 11:19

    OH MY GOD, please you have to read the Ann Coulter comments. They are so awesome!

    This article/book says a lot of the same things I have been saying for years, except for the fact that most criminals are Demoncraps.

    Demoncraps? It’s like she’s fucking five! Demoncraps! You can’t make this shit up!

    I agree, the left wing Demoncraps are never influenced by facts.

    Demoncraps! Is this some sort of Ann Coulter groupie specific lingo, or am I just way out of the loop? (As if the piece had any facts – snicker. These guys can’t tell the difference between a fact and a statement.)

    What explains the growth of government? Well, you might think Republicans, since they hugely expanded government under Bush and Reagan – but no shockingly that is not even close to the answer! The answer is women and liberals and a lack of family values!

    Jesus it’s a honeypot for the dumbest people in America, each stupider than the next. Ann must be laughing all the way to the bank. A greater collection of stupid is hard to even imagine.

    After the speech (suprisingly, one that I didn’t want to throw things at the TV over), one man got up and started applauding and a split second later, exactly everyone else did.

    Can you imagine what would be involved in getting a bunch of leftists that well organized?

    Jesus I can’t stop laughing. Conservatives are awesome because of “monkey see monkey do!” When one does something, the others all mindlessly follow. GO TEAM.

    Yes, we know that demos and libs routinely sneer at and dismiss facts, then proceed to cite some ‘study’, interpreted and properly ballyhooed by the MSM to show what it was meant to.

    So a “study” does not have facts, but random assertions from Ann Coulter are facts. I get it now!

    What strikes me is the way convicted criminals & alleged criminals are treated by the parties.

    Hmm yes, especially given a certain recent commutation, right? Surely that is what you are getting at?

    Sandy Burglar will likely go back to Washington if Hitlery wins the White House…What I am saying is that I have serious doubts whether Liberals believe in Right and Wrong.

    Sadly no. Libby? Never heard of ‘em!

    And then there is this:

    Then it is settled. This book and Ann’s essay confirms what right thinking people have always known: liberals and democrats are criminals and must be dealt with accordingly.

    Why should good Americans have to tolerate liberalism and this country’s democratic elites any longer? They are the source of all evil and all that’s wrong with America.

    And they hate their country. They’re miserable, they tell us every day how oppressive and intolerant America is. Therefore, conservatives need to take over and give liberals a choice: leave or be rounded up for imprisonment or execution for crimes against the country.

    Perhaps some time spent behind barbed wired without food and working 20 hours daily covered by armed guards might make these ingrate whinning liberals appreciate all that they had before and make them quit their bellyaching.

    Regardless, I’m for breaking down their doors in the dead of night, dragging them out, and making them disappear. And I don’t care if I’m called insensitive.

    Join us next week on “Parody or Actual Wingnut – You Make the Call!”

    And for the record, the rant above was somehow not bellyaching or “whinning”, despite all evidence to the contrary. But it may have been a bit insensitive. Just a tad.

    This is both funny and depressing. Jesus.

  12. RandomObserver said,

    July 6, 2007 at 11:32

    One more. Christ.

    Once the spell breaks. your mind clears, and you get past the mommy-worship, it’s jaw-dropping. It’s everywhere, like looking for sand in the desert.

    The secret of life, if you’re looking for it, is that women are the cause of all social ills. Not women just by their nature, but women-out-of-their-place, women-worship, and the pervasive feminine mindset. That’s it, that’s all.

    Politics is a Socialistic, vote-buying morass because women vote. Modern men are what they are because women and feminine men raised them. Crime exists, largely, because of men raised by women. Mexicans are invading your country because women were taken out of the home, marrying late, and failing to reproduce. Education is a wreck in this country; teachers are 3 to 1 female.

    Still going, the reason both parents now usually have to work, whether they want to or not, is because women have flooded the workplace. Got a problem with materialism nad consumerism? Guess who’s buying 80% of that stuff? …Right. Heck, I’ll even say people got fat because women stopped making home-cooked meals, and started buying that boxed, packaged crap.

    It’s not shameful to be a woman, just like it’s not shameful to be a child. Women have a place, a purpose, a role. It just happens not to be in authority, not if disaster is to be averted.

    I think I found Amanda Marcotte’s future husband.

  13. Sophist, FCD said,

    July 6, 2007 at 11:52

    Brent Bozell Part 3: The Bozelling wrote:

    Accusing someone of betraying our soldiers (never mind all of humanity) — that registers as hateful and ugly in my book.

    Sweet fancy Moses! When you become a Republican do they cut out the part of your brain that remembers what happened more than five minute ago? Every damn one of them has been accusing anyone left of Atilla the Hun of hating our soldiers and wanting them to die horribly since before the first boot hit the sand. If Rush Limbugh backed into a tree, he’d yell at it for not supporting the troops. And now we’re supposed to believe that this idiot is shocked, shocked that anyone would level an accusation of that nature?

    Damn, talk about chutzpah…

  14. anon said,

    July 6, 2007 at 11:53

    Lordy, that Ann Coulter is fiesty, for a woman and all. And manly John Lott is so, so, so, um, logical:

    …Speaking of crime, there’s even something for Paris Hilton in this book! Lott says that “when we analyze the overall consequences a criminal faces after conviction, we find a surprising result: Rich criminals face disproportionately high penalties.”

    I used to think the Onion was in over its head. Now, I think Jesus General is a powderweight compared to Vixen Coulter.

  15. Jay C. said,

    July 6, 2007 at 14:24

    Nine eleven nine
    Eleven nine eleven
    Nine eleven nine

    Genius.

  16. Jake H. said,

    July 6, 2007 at 15:13

    Shorter Steve Chapman:

    This quote from a Jeff Hostetler campaign ad proves there is no bigotry in GOP campaigning: “Pelosi will then put in motion her radical plan to advance the homosexual agenda, led by Barney Frank.”

  17. g said,

    July 6, 2007 at 15:31

    No, You know? no. I’m not going to read them. It’s too fucking depressing.

  18. Notorious P.A.T. said,

    July 6, 2007 at 16:06

    Regardless, I’m for breaking down their doors in the dead of night, dragging them out, and making them disappear. And I don’t care if I’m called insensitive.

    “Insensitive”? I hate to say it, pal, but that is far from the first word that comes to mind.

  19. shane's dentist's attorney's bookie said,

    July 6, 2007 at 16:08

    Timothy Noah:
    Clinton did perjure,
    Reasonable folk agree,
    Except judge, senate.

  20. Leonard's Getting Larger said,

    July 6, 2007 at 16:13

    I’m getting the urge to throw a water fountain through a window and lumber purposefully across the meadow.

  21. shane's dentist's attorney's bookie said,

    July 6, 2007 at 16:15

    Wait til September?
    Lies are fully deployed now,
    Petraeus blows smoke.

  22. Phil Moskowitz, Lovable Rogue. said,

    July 6, 2007 at 16:23

    “And I don’t care if I’m called insensitive.”

    Of course you don’t Herr Himmler.

  23. atheist said,

    July 6, 2007 at 16:33

    Regardless, I’m for breaking down their doors in the dead of night, dragging them out, and making them disappear. And I don’t care if I’m called insensitive.

    I’m thinking more like “Evil”.

  24. Phil Moskowitz, Lovable Rogue. said,

    July 6, 2007 at 16:40

    “Maybe god wants lower tax brackets in order to provide more disposable income”

    Holy Shit! God is now reduced to some sort of cosmic accountant ( H & R God?)

    If he wants to provide disposable income why not have gold doubloons fly out of his ass onto the lower classes. That’s my kind of trickle down economics.

  25. Candy said,

    July 6, 2007 at 16:48

    “And I don’t care if I’m called insensitive.”

    Okay, I call parody. Please tell me that’s parody. I mean, I don’t doubt for a minute that some of the Coulterites think like that, but to actually write that comment? Nah…. has to be parody, doesn’t it?

    You know, this is how fights really do get started. Seriously, I’m reading those comments, and I’m thinking, yeah, right, come on and try it, asshole. I think you’re gonna find that a lot of “Demoncraps” are street fightin’ men and women. You come on into my city and start some shit with the peeps in my neighborhood. (Bring it on! indeed…) I can tell you that I, for one, am not going to go quietly into that good night.

    And again you see that wierd cognitive dissonance: Democrats are sissy, pussy, feminized wimps. Democrats are scary street criminals. Which is it, asshats? Tough criminals or pussy wimps? You know, if I was a cynic, I might think that “feminized” is a code word for “educated”, and “criminal” was a code word for “minority”.

    What?

  26. roy edroso said,

    July 6, 2007 at 16:58

    A great artist has found his muse!

  27. atheist said,

    July 6, 2007 at 17:07

    Tough criminals or pussy wimps?

    Maybe we are actually tough, yet wimpy, pussy criminals?

  28. Town Hall haiku [Deltoid] · New York Articles said,

    July 6, 2007 at 17:08

    [...] No has turned all the partisan right-wing commentry into haikus. An [...]

  29. Candy said,

    July 6, 2007 at 17:11

    I like to fight, but I cry when I break a nail….

    Hey, I’ve got to say I love the haiku townhall. I hope we’ll get a limerick townhall some day, too.

  30. g said,

    July 6, 2007 at 17:13

    Democrats are sissy, pussy, feminized wimps. Democrats are scary street criminals. Which is it, asshats? Tough criminals or pussy wimps?

    It’s a dessert topping. It’s a floor polish!

    If I thought about what these asshats say too much, I’d never be able to get out of bed and leave the house. I can only hope its ignorant or hyperbole, because otherwise it’s too disturbing to think that someone actually believes people should be disappeared in the middle of the night for…er….thinking something.

    Never underestimate the ability of human beings to be evil, though. Look at Chile under the CIA-installed regime.

  31. Candy said,

    July 6, 2007 at 17:19

    “Never underestimate the ability of human beings to be evil, though. Look at Chile under the CIA-installed regime.”

    Too true, g. That fear forms the foundation for the contents of my anxiety closet.

  32. ironicname said,

    July 6, 2007 at 17:59

    Nine eleven nine
    Eleven nine eleven
    Nine eleven nine

    I second the genius call on this one.

  33. The Disgruntled Chemist said,

    July 6, 2007 at 18:14

    I think this picture of Eckstein would have gone a lot better with that article.

  34. The Disgruntled Chemist said,

    July 6, 2007 at 18:19

    The best part of Malkin’s article might be this parenthetical aside:

    (Isn’t it funny, by the way, how the politically correct multiculturalists who claim we are a “nation of immigrants” are so insensitive toward Native American Indians, Native Alaskans, Native Hawaiians and descendants of black slaves who did not “immigrate” here in any common sense of the word?)

    What? Any guesses on just which orifice she pulled that one out of?

  35. tb said,

    July 6, 2007 at 18:38

    From Ann Coulter’s thing on the book called (I shit you not) “Freedomnomics”:

    gun locks and gun self-storage laws lead to more deaths, for the obvious reason that if the owner can’t get to his gun in time, the beneficial effect of having a gun is lost.

    Obviously. Who wants to be fumbling with the keys to your gun lock when a nude, screaming maniac is chasing you through your house? That happens way more often than you think, by the way. And even if there are 1 or 2 deaths caused by leaving a loaded weapon lying around unsecured, they’d be offset by the probably more common scenarios where you need to blast away instantly.

  36. The Disgruntled Chemist said,

    July 6, 2007 at 18:49

    Shorter Coulter:

    Scooter’s a felon,
    but his being so famous
    makes prison unfair.

  37. Dorothy said,

    July 6, 2007 at 18:50

    Regardless, I’m for breaking down their doors in the dead of night, dragging them out, and making them disappear. And I don’t care if I’m called insensitive.

    I will, however, gasp in horror if someone suggests I’m “making threats” and howl like a wounded shitzu if anyone filed charges or tried to restrict my “freedom of speech”.

    Ann’s next book: “Liberal Principles: The Source of All Evil…unless they happen to be working in my favor.”

  38. Righteous Bubba said,

    July 6, 2007 at 19:07

    Alternate Stossel:

    Government is crime!
    It’s stealing to help people!
    Marley’s ghost again?

  39. Principal Blackman said,

    July 6, 2007 at 19:13

    Demoncraps! Is this some sort of Ann Coulter groupie specific lingo, or am I just way out of the loop?

    It’s not specific to Coulterites. Keefer and a few other special-needs people at Blogs for Bush have been using it for a while now. They think it is very, very funny. And then they wonder why people say wingnuts have, at best, rudimentary senses of humor.

  40. shystee said,

    July 6, 2007 at 19:19

    Help, Wingnutologists!

    Have you run across Jerry Bowyer during your safaris in wingnuttia before? Can you explain how he trained a puffy white cloud to serve as his hairpiece?

  41. Gentlewoman said,

    July 6, 2007 at 19:47

    Today’s lesson is:
    I think you’re as ignorant
    As a box of rocks

    I don’t know why this one made me LOL, but it did.

    Well done, DA!

    These people are mad.

  42. Coin said,

    July 6, 2007 at 20:34

    Do Hugh Hewett next!

  43. J. A. Baker said,

    July 6, 2007 at 20:58

    Perhaps some time spent behind barbed wired without food and working 20 hours daily covered by armed guards might make these ingrate whinning liberals appreciate all that they had before and make them quit their bellyaching.

    Because all “libruls” are jobless, shiftless welfare queens who wouldn’t know honest work if it slapped them in the face with its cock. Sure… keep thinking that, Spanky.

  44. mds said,

    July 6, 2007 at 21:20

    It wouldn’t be an mds comment on a S,N! Townhall post if it didn’t contain praise for Jacob Sullum (well, assuming there’s a Sullum column referenced in the post… It’s not like I say, “How about that Sullum feller?” apropos of nothing… Anyway!) . The money at Townhall must be good, because he’s not insane enough to fit in. Here’s a taste:

    Perhaps hallucinating phantoms of lost liberty under the influence of post-surgical pain medication, Ashcroft backed up Comey,[...]

    Oh, snap!

    Meanwhile,

    Freedomnomics: Why the Free Market Works and Other Half-Baked Theories Don’t

    This is progress. At least this an admission that “the Free Market” is a half-baked theory, too.

    (Isn’t it funny, by the way, how the politically correct multiculturalists who claim we are a “nation of immigrants” are so insensitive toward Native American Indians, Native Alaskans, Native Hawaiians and descendants of black slaves who did not “immigrate” here in any common sense of the word?)

    Ah, the mystery of why all those ethnic groups are such reliable Republican voting blocs has finally been explained. Oh, wait…

  45. Duros62 said,

    July 7, 2007 at 0:31

    Any guesses on just which orifice she pulled that one out of?

    I ain’t going there, but I bet it smells like play-doh.

  46. birdseatbugs said,

    July 7, 2007 at 2:08

    Speaking of this:

    [...] And then they wonder why people say wingnuts have, at best, rudimentary senses of humor.

    Conservapedia’s humor entry needs work.

    Also, michelle malkin has obviously never heard of the BLM’s efforts to return land to Alaskan Natives — not just “reservations”, but places that have historically been used by Natives for generations.

    As much as it pains me to say it, malkin -is- correct in one thing: the treatment of Native Americans (wherever they live) has been appalling. It wasn’t until just recently — 2006, in fact — that someone thought it was time for Native Hawaiians to be recognized as a soveriegn entity… Like most other First Nations people in the U.S..

  47. Nullifidian said,

    July 7, 2007 at 3:51

    Perhaps some time spent behind barbed wired without food and working 20 hours daily covered by armed guards might make these ingrate whinning liberals appreciate all that they had before and make them quit their bellyaching.

    *launches into song*

    Sprriiiiingtime for Clownhall at Buchenwald!

  48. The Fact That Dave Said He Doesn’t Get It « Constitution Club said,

    July 8, 2007 at 5:22

    [...] Haiku of Townhall. [...]

  49. Phoenician in a time of Romans said,

    July 8, 2007 at 8:56

    Extending the concept to the NY times:

    The US should leave.
    Who cheered this mess anyway?
    Um – I’ve forgotten.

  50. pch1013 said,

    July 10, 2007 at 4:45

    Nine eleven nine
    Eleven nine eleven
    Nine eleven nine

    A-hem.

  51. D. Aristophanes said,

    July 10, 2007 at 4:57

    Whoopsy. All credit to pch1013 for thinking up that one first.

    Must have drilled deep down into my subconscious, it was so spot on.

  52. Town Hall haiku [Deltoid] · Articles said,

    July 11, 2007 at 17:07

    [...] No has turned all the partisan right-wing commentry into haikus. An [...]

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