Jun
28
28
Six-right, Six-left, Six-right … Voila!
All of Washington is dying to know what Dick Cheney keeps in his infamous ‘man-size Mosler safes’. I contacted the bright boys at Sadly, No! Research Labs for some answers. Feel free to supply your own theories in comments.
What Dick Cheney keeps in his man-size Mosler safes
- The master blueprint for the man-size Mosler safe
- Anyone who ever saw the master blueprint for the man-size Mosler safe
- Anyone who has ever worked for the Mosler Safe Company
- Multiple clones from which to harvest replacements for failed organs
- The only known positive review of a Rush album
- Colin Powell’s testicles
- Dwarf-size Mosler safes
- All the single socks that have ever gone missing from the laundry
- A recipe for delicious Kentucky-style fried chicken, involving a blend of various herbs and spices, possibly numbering eleven
• A video wif Harry Reid bummin’ one-a he bitchez.
- Richard Nixon’s frozen sperm
- One ring to rule them
- A mason jar of freshly captured dreams
- Your car keys
- Bill-O-Rights brand toilet paper
- That word that’s on the tip of my tongue
- The innocence of youth
- 32 lbs. of partially digested veal
- The memories of Alberto Gonzales
- The conch shell
- Ken Lay
- Fake passport, disguise, plane tickets to Brazil
- Plans for a clean and efficient mass transit system in Los Angeles
- The New York Sun’s actual circulation figures
- Talking points to distribute following major terrorist attack on Nov. 2, 2008
- The 15 seconds of unaired footage from end of final episode of The Sopranos
t4toby said,
June 28, 2007 at 22:03
Cheney’s heart, Bush’s brain, Democrat’s courage, and an expensive pair of Italian shoes for Condi
Five of Diamonds said,
June 28, 2007 at 22:07
The souls of children.
Some Guy said,
June 28, 2007 at 22:09
Dun forget the cast, crew, and original set dressings of the “Apollo Landings”. Oh! And the keys to the Umbrella Factory.
Righteous Bubba said,
June 28, 2007 at 22:21
• The Spear of Destiny
• The recipe for Soylent Green: what is that stuff anyway? Yum.
• Teleporter from Executive Branch to Undisclosed Branch
• Magic 8-Ball
• Photos of GWB in his adult baby gear
• Small jar of miniaturized people
• One banana-powered superchimputer
willINNYC said,
June 28, 2007 at 22:22
Rover (anyone watch the Prisoner?)
George’s liquor supply
Laura’s medicine supply
Nude photos of Barbara Bush
Marcellus Wallace’s briefcase
the button (you know which one…THE button)
Chan said,
June 28, 2007 at 22:23
John Ashcroft’s frozen corpse. “Talk over me again, why don’t you?”
a different brad said,
June 28, 2007 at 22:24
240 dollars worth of pudding
18 1/2 minutes worth of audiotape
dex said,
June 28, 2007 at 22:24
the fifth and final golden ticket.
Dick Cheney said,
June 28, 2007 at 22:25
YOUR MOTHER FUCK YOU
Jim said,
June 28, 2007 at 22:31
Green Kryptonite
100 splinters of the true cross
The shinbone of St. Paul – lightly gnawed
Lesly said,
June 28, 2007 at 22:35
Hah, that made me laugh.
A piece of Roswell’s UFO.
thedarkbackward said,
June 28, 2007 at 22:38
- The bottled tears of a million womb babies
- 50 gallon vats of angel cum
- The Anti-Life Equation
- A contract written in blood for Satan’s soul
- An oompa loompa skeleton
- Hitler’s brain
- John McCain’s last lingering shred of self respect
- Alberto Gonzales’ collection of bicycle seats
tigrismus said,
June 28, 2007 at 22:39
The real Dick Cheney.
a different brad said,
June 28, 2007 at 22:46
the cure for death
assorted perpetual motion machines
the philosopher’s stone
a year’s supply of kosher coke
the location of atlantis
the location of the entrance to inner earth
a breeding pair of bigfeet
an entrance to Narnia
Spice
mg said,
June 28, 2007 at 22:46
Snack Puppies.
Lynnercat said,
June 28, 2007 at 22:54
teh SN preview button.
Legalize said,
June 28, 2007 at 22:54
The memorandum justifying the reformation of the New York Dolls sans Johnny Thunders and Jerry Nolan.
MCH said,
June 28, 2007 at 22:56
* The Holy Grail
* The Higgs boson
* Jimmy Hoffa
* The end of the rainbow
* The inside of a Klein bottle
Snack Puppies
Or would that be, “puppies for snacks”? He likes how they crunch.
ifthethunderdontgetya said,
June 28, 2007 at 22:59
Senator Arlen Specter’s nuts.
P.S. Pony Time!
Legalize said,
June 28, 2007 at 22:59
The password to his HotManLove.com account.
Seitz said,
June 28, 2007 at 23:04
I think this post is a little too 3-Bullsish for Sadly, No!
Patkin said,
June 28, 2007 at 23:05
Alastor Moody.
anangryoldbroad said,
June 28, 2007 at 23:08
The Grim Reaper
The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Saddam
Hitler’s Brain(thinly sliced and lightly toasted, for those times when he runs short of snack puppies)
An Escape Hatch
Principal Blackman said,
June 28, 2007 at 23:08
The rotting corpse of Burgess Meredith
Fozzetti said,
June 28, 2007 at 23:09
I’d like to know where he got the safes. Was it from Haliburton, or Duke Cunningham?
the_millionaire_lebowski said,
June 28, 2007 at 23:12
A miniature replica of the universe, with it’s own Milky Way, Earth, White House, and a miniature replica of a giant Mosler safe belonging to a miniature Vice President.
pine nut said,
June 28, 2007 at 23:12
David Crosby’s sperm?
mikey said,
June 28, 2007 at 23:25
Hmm. Calls for logical deduction.
Let’s see. Man Sized Mosler Safe. Man SIZED Mosler Safe. Man Sized Mosler SAFE. Nope. Hey, waitaminute! I wonder if…
THATS IT!!
Holy shit, he’s got JESUS in there!!
mikey
Righteous Bubba said,
June 28, 2007 at 23:27
• Pipe organ
• Extra artificial limbs
• Shmoos
• Hypno-goggles
• Swanson Hungry Man dinners
• Blood-B-Gone
• That asshole from the movie rental place, bound and gagged
pine nut said,
June 28, 2007 at 23:32
The “Portrait of Richard Cheney”
pine nut said,
June 28, 2007 at 23:35
Dick Lugar’s Stepford Congressman double
pine nut said,
June 28, 2007 at 23:36
Woops, that’s Stepford Senator – certainly trips off the tongue much easier!
Righteous Bubba said,
June 28, 2007 at 23:37
• Unfinished doctoral thesis: The application of AC voltage to the testicles of those who won’t accept my thesis
Emily said,
June 28, 2007 at 23:40
An alternate universe populated by dinosaurs and Sleestaks.
MzNicky said,
June 28, 2007 at 23:41
The Gimp.
Righteous Bubba said,
June 28, 2007 at 23:44
• Sea monkeys that look like sea monkeys
His Grace said,
June 28, 2007 at 23:47
The original copy of the US Constitution, properly shredded
The space pope
A list of checks and balances for his fourth branch of government, currently empty
A years supply of freedom fries
The fifth branch of the US government, kept secret even from himself
WMD
The alternate ending to Rocky 4
jonathan said,
June 29, 2007 at 0:02
-mare sweat
-Mrs. Lovett’s meat pies (lifetime supply)
-blackmail files on every single Democratic officeholder since 1975 (you didn’t think they were always pussies, did you?)
-George Bailey’s missing payment to old man Potter
-Colin Powell’s spine
-Abu Gonzalez’ spine
-for that matter, GWB’s spine
-dirty “hidden cam” pics of Jenna & her sis making out-he thinks that he “caught” them but really, they totally are that slutty and got paid well by Uncle Scooter for their efforts (you’re saying “ew” but come on, really, you knew it all along)
-film footage of Monica Goodling before her “rehabilitation” saying “I’ll just die if I don’t get this recipe. I’ll just die if I don’t get this recipe. I’ll just die if I don’t get this recipe….”
D. Aristophanes said,
June 29, 2007 at 0:03
A lifetime’s supply of Babpupten*
*A kitten inside a puppy inside a baby, roasted at 350 degree heat for six hours
Legalize said,
June 29, 2007 at 0:10
Teh funny Sadly! No posts.
OH SNAP!
Kathleen said,
June 29, 2007 at 0:10
the other half of 3 Bulls asses.
Kathleen said,
June 29, 2007 at 0:11
the other half of 3 Bulls’ asses.
Will said,
June 29, 2007 at 0:15
I’d be more concerned about what he’s got in the Dread-Cthulu-sized Mosler safes.
tigrismus said,
June 29, 2007 at 0:22
the other half of 3 Bulls’ asses.
Right next to the square circles? C’mon, Kathleen, now you’re talking crazy talk.
D. Aristophanes said,
June 29, 2007 at 0:29
Teh funny Sadly! No posts.
Teh non-ingrate version of Legalize …
Patkin said,
June 29, 2007 at 0:30
Kathleen: So, the full ass?
realchesherkat said,
June 29, 2007 at 0:41
The Democrat Joe Lieberman
His last shred of human decency
The pony
Clint said,
June 29, 2007 at 0:43
Gary Ruppert’s collection of facts
AnnieLimpy’s man-hair wax
Kevin’s spank sock… I mean, Kevin’s spare lawn mower. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
M. Bouffant said,
June 29, 2007 at 0:45
Oh. Now I get the title.
kingubu said,
June 29, 2007 at 0:54
A stone with the words “Peace on Earth” written on the underside
Snorghagen said,
June 29, 2007 at 1:02
The cryogenically preserved livers of Francisco Franco, Ed Gein, and Papa Doc Duvalier.
Seven dehydrated orangutang testicles.
812 photographs of penguins wearing latex.
The complete Wild Man Fischer discography.
thelogos said,
June 29, 2007 at 1:06
Teh Real Dick Cheney.
AkaDad said,
June 29, 2007 at 1:28
The spines of most Democratic politicians.
Lawnguylander said,
June 29, 2007 at 1:37
“Other Priorities”. Yes, he’s still got them.
Very funny post.
robert green said,
June 29, 2007 at 1:39
i think we are talking isle of man sized, so with that in mind:
the money. it’s where he keeps all the money to pay the people who support him. and maybe the bitches. but mostly the money. halliburton KBR money, iraq money, money for michael ledeen, money to spread around to keep his wife occupied, money for the blood transfusion operations (those babies don’t come cheap, what with the exsanguination and all), money for GWB’s allowance, and yes, i’ll go with the above and say money to pay the twins to gyrate naked in his office for him, and above all, money to keep a heart surgeon under his desk 24/7.
Dr.BDH said,
June 29, 2007 at 2:17
A cask of Amontillado
A tell-tale heart
A raven
A hound of the Baskervilles
Cousin It
Smiling Mortician said,
June 29, 2007 at 2:46
Soma. Soma for everyone. ‘Cause it’s almost time.
mikey said,
June 29, 2007 at 3:03
Teh Grape Kool-Aid….
mikey
Snowwy said,
June 29, 2007 at 3:18
*the newspaper boy’s two dollars
*the newspaper boy
DUDACKATTACK!!! said,
June 29, 2007 at 3:29
Lenin’s makeup tips?
radio said,
June 29, 2007 at 3:37
Higgs boson?
Klein bottle?
I would say that we have a physicist troll baiting =)
My guess
The escape peaks
The 511Kev line
Li'l Innocent said,
June 29, 2007 at 3:41
Judge Pearson’s missing pants.
bklyn said,
June 29, 2007 at 4:28
he loves the safe.
don’t matter whats in it.
Tara the anti-social social worker said,
June 29, 2007 at 4:46
Osama bin Laden, to be brought out when George’s poll numbers hit negative 3 percent.
Vitameatabaramin said,
June 29, 2007 at 4:55
a different brad said,
240 dollars worth of pudding
That’s a whole lot a’ puddin’.
mikey said,
June 29, 2007 at 4:58
Ha! That’s a funny thought. Osama’s sitting in there, in a Barcalounger, with a remote and a bag of cheetohs, hollering “Deek? I gotta have HBO. Feex thees peece o’sheet, in the name of all that’s holy!!”
mikey
mextremist said,
June 29, 2007 at 5:21
the real slim shady
scott baio frozen in carbonite
ann coulter’s penis
the kids, the rabbit AND the trixx
vanilla ice’s other amazing single
michael jackson’s negritude
elvis
my remaining dignity
hope
RobW said,
June 29, 2007 at 5:34
Numerous haikus
That mock the Vice President
And their author too.
Someone help me please!
I’m locked inside Cheney’s safe,
And I can’t get out!
Legalize said,
June 29, 2007 at 5:47
“Teh non-ingrate version of Legalize …”
Hey, now. I contributed proudly to teh non-funnay. :(
Anne Laurie said,
June 29, 2007 at 5:52
A small lump of black, smoking Pure Evil. Inside a toaster oven.
Tapes of all the John Roberts/Nino Scalia M4M hotline chats. (Even on those little microcassettes, the complete collection takes up more room than you’d think.)
And another sixteen vials of sperm (collected via electrojaculation) representing Liz Cheney’s next few offspring. Line breeding, bitches!
Ed said,
June 29, 2007 at 6:04
Monopoly (NASCAR Edition mint in the box)
Shotgun Shells
Michael Jackson
Extra Space Shuttle Insulator Tiles
Peanuts (salted/shelled)
Barrel of acid
Lotion
Duct Tape
Ether
A New Car!
mikey said,
June 29, 2007 at 6:14
And a baby’s arm, holding an apple….
mikey
D. Aristophanes said,
June 29, 2007 at 6:35
Hey, now. I contributed proudly to teh non-funnay. :(
Teh apologetic version of D.A.
Ed said,
June 29, 2007 at 6:39
The Ace of Spades
Righteous Bubba said,
June 29, 2007 at 6:41
• Puppets made from real pups
• A small child-size sled
• The uncensored Book of Revelations
• A 78 of “I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles”
• Bubbles the chimp
Snorghagen said,
June 29, 2007 at 7:30
A large stack of freeze-dried Republicans, ready for rehydration come election-time
Cheney’s personal stash of high-grade skunk weed
A mummified monkey’s paw with the power to grant its owner three wishes
Three slumbering vampire maidens, and an empty casket layered with earth from an undisclosed location
boil said,
June 29, 2007 at 7:45
Godot
Smgumby said,
June 29, 2007 at 9:49
The shotgun pellets pulled out of that lawyers face…
Dick Cheney’s original heart…
Mehitabel the Abyssinian said,
June 29, 2007 at 10:33
I has a safe
But i forgots tha combination
Policeman MacCruiskeen said,
June 29, 2007 at 11:10
An intricately-carved sea chest with ornate brass hinges.
A bicycle.
D. Aristophanes said,
June 29, 2007 at 15:39
- The collected works of DeSelby, MacCruiskeen?
Righteous Bubba said,
June 29, 2007 at 18:04
• A difficult pancake
realchesherkat said,
June 29, 2007 at 18:35
An elvish sword of great antiquity
ironicname said,
June 29, 2007 at 18:39
An inflatable Richard Nixon
A battery operated pump
Baby oil (rendered from real babies)
A Puncture repair kit
Tyler Durden
Mr. X said,
June 29, 2007 at 18:40
Captain America’s shield
Captain America, alive
Kryptonite butt plug
Excalibur, thrust into the heart of a Medusa-calcified Albert Einstein
Jim Morrison
Hitler’s missing testicle
The issue of Playboy featuring Marilyn Lange, against which no woman who has ever lived may compare, pages Scotchgarded
The cryogenically-preserved Khan Noonien Singh
Small black crystal, composition unknown, purpose unknown, powers unknown
Half a package of peanut butter-cheese crackers
The elevator to the chambers underneath the Naval Observatory, where dead Nixon lies dreaming
and…
a card table for our Friday night AD&D group. Dick’s such a fucking rule lawyer, I tell you what.
lolrus said,
June 29, 2007 at 18:40
Mah bukkit.
Gentlewoman said,
June 29, 2007 at 19:30
Hope.
Kathleen said,
June 30, 2007 at 2:00
Cardenio
Lawnguylander said,
June 30, 2007 at 5:57
The collected works of DeSelby, MacCruiskeen?
The brother is in there too.
Mo's Bike Shop said,
July 1, 2007 at 3:17
A recipe for delicious Kentucky-style fried chicken, involving a blend of various herbs and spices, possibly numbering eleven
Hey, I’m smoking that…
Qetesh the Abyssinian said,
July 1, 2007 at 15:07
And a baby’s arm, holding an apple….
Lined up with a Las Vegas wedding, a Mexican divorce, and a solid gold Kama Sutra coffeepot?
Kip W said,
July 6, 2007 at 4:50
A doorway into another dimension; a dimension of sight and sound; the dimension which is NOT The Twilight Zone.