Wingnuts: Old and gas-sy white prudes,
Come aboard, join their Muslim-hating spew…
Wingnuts: Humanity’s ref-use,
Flush them away; they float back up to you!
Wingnut Boat has just made yet another run,
Wingnut Boat: promises batshit-insanity that’s fun,
Set a course for de-mentia,
Your mind in a fasc-ist trance…
And, facts won’t hurt anymore!
Reality’s such a bore,
Yes, WI-IIIINGnuts! With W-IIIINGnuts!
Wingnut Boat, soon will be making another run.
And Wingnut Boat is the only place where Iraq is being won,
This said, of course, through their dentures,
A wingnutty chorus against which reality has no cha-ance…
You’ll want to jump overboard!
Off this ship of fools,
That Election 2006 shot a tor-pedo through!
It’s Wi-iingnuts! It’s Wi-ingnuts! It’s Wi-iiingnuts!
It’s Wi-ingnut Bo-oat!
National Review Mexican cruise (l-r): Still at dock, Jonah considers whom to eat in case of shipwreck; ¡Viva la Cohiba Cubana!*; the Montana Spite Caucus in digestive repose.
‘Wingnut Boat,’ starring:
Captain William F. Buckley:
“Aren’t you embarrassed by the absence of these weapons?” Buckley snaps at Podhoretz. He has just explained that he supported the war reluctantly, because Dick Cheney convinced him Saddam Hussein had WMD primed to be fired.
Still, he ruminates over what his old friend Ronald Reagan would have made of Iraq. “I think the prudent Reagan would have figured here, and the prudent Reagan would have shunned a commitment of the kind that we are now engaged in. … I think he would have attempted to find some sort of assurance that any exposure by the United States would be exposure to a challenge the dimensions of which we could predict.” Lest liberals be too eager to adopt the Gipper as one of their own, Buckley agrees approvingly that Reagan’s approach would have been to “find a local strongman” to rule Iraq.
Doctor Norman Podhoretz:
Following the break, Norman Podhoretz and William Buckley–two of the grand old men of the Grand Old Party–begin to feud. Podhoretz will not stop speaking–”I have lots of ex-friends on the left; it looks like I’m going to have some ex-friends on the right, too,” he rants[.]
Today, he is a bristling gray ball of aggression, here to declare that the Iraq war has been “an amazing success.” He waves his fist and declaims, “There were WMD, and they were shipped to Syria. … This picture of a country in total chaos with no security is false. It has been a triumph. It couldn’t have gone better.” He wants more wars, and fast. He is “certain” Bush will bomb Iran, and “thank God” for that.
A few floors away, Podhoretz tells me he is losing his voice, “which will make some people very happy.” Then he croaks out the standard-issue Wolfowitz line about how, after September 11, the United States had to introduce democracy to the Middle East in order to change the political culture that produced the mass murderers. For somebody who declares democracy to be his goal, he is remarkably blasÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â© about the fact that 80 percent of Iraqis want U.S. troops to leave their country, according to the latest polls. “I don’t much care,” he says, batting the question away. He goes on to insist that “nobody was tortured in Abu Ghraib or GuantÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â¡namo” and that Bush is “a hero.” He is, like most people on this cruise, certain the administration will attack Iran.
“I keep telling people we are in World War Four,” Podhoretz declares. He fumes at Buckley, George Will, and the other apostate conservatives who refuse to see sense. He again declares victory.
Mark “Grover” Steyn, Your Yeoman Purser:
The table nods solemnly before marching onward to Topic A: the billion-strong swarm of Muslims who are poised to take over the world. The idea that Europe is being “taken over” is the unifying theme of this cruise. Some people go on singles’ cruises, some on ballroom-dancing cruises. This is the Muslims Are Coming cruise. Everyone thinks it. Everyone knows it. And the man most responsible for this insight is sitting only a few tables down: Mark Steyn. He is wearing sunglasses on top of his head and a bright shirt. Steyn’s thesis in his new book, America Alone, is simple: The “European races”–i.e., white people–”are too self-absorbed to breed,” but the Muslims are multiplying quickly. The inevitable result will be “large-scale evacuation operations circa 2015″ as Europe is ceded to Al Qaeda and “Greater France remorselessly evolve[s] into Greater Bosnia.” He offers a light smearing of dubious demographic figures–he needs to turn 20 million European Muslims into more than 150 million in nine years, which is a lot of humping–to “prove” his case.
[Laugh Track: Huhuhuuhhhuhah]
Bartender Dinesh D’Souza:
“It’s customary to say we lost the Vietnam war, but who’s ‘we’?” Dinesh D’Souza asks angrily. “The left won by demanding America’s humiliation.” On this ship, there are no Viet Cong, no three million dead. There is only liberal treachery. Yes, D’Souza says, in a swift shift to domestic politics, “of course” Republican politics is “about class. Republicans are the party of winners, Democrats are the party of losers.”
Several days later, the nautical counter-revolution has docked in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, where passengers will clamber overboard into a nation they want to wall off behind a 1,000-mile fence. One expresses horror at my intention to find a local street kid to show me around, exclaiming, “Do you want to die?” D’Souza summarizes the prevailing sentiment by unveiling what he modestly calls “D’Souza’s law of immigration”: An immigrant’s quality is “proportional to the distance traveled to get to the United States.” In other words: Asians trump Latinos.
[Laugh Track: Hahahahahahahah]
Cruise Director Kate O’Beirne:
I return for dinner with my special National Review guest: Kate O’Beirne. She’s an impossibly tall blonde with the voice of a 1930s screwball star and the arguments of an 1890s Victorian patriarch. She inveighs against feminism and “women who make the world worse” in quick quips. She is sitting among adoring fans with her husband, Jim, who quickly announces that he is Donald Rumsfeld’s personnel director. “People keep asking what I’m doing here, with him being fired and all,” he says. “But the cruise has been arranged for a long time.”
I drop the news that there are moves in Germany to have Rumsfeld extradited to face war crimes charges. A red-faced man who looks like an egg with a moustache glued on grumbles, “If the Germans think they can take responsibility for the world, I don’t care about German courts. Bomb them.” I begin to cite the Pinochet precedent, and O’Beirne snaps, “Treating Don Rumsfeld like Pinochet is disgusting.” Egg Man pounds his fist on the table: “Treating Pinochet like that is disgusting. Pinochet is a hero. He saved Chile.” “Exactly,” adds O’Beirne’s husband. “And he privatized Social Security.”
[Laugh Track: Bwahahahah-hahahahah-hahaha]
[Guest Stars Howard Keel and Carol Channing are drunk and passed out in a corner. Charo has been kicked off the boat on suspicion of Latin ancestry. Cathy Lee Crosby vomits over the gunwales. The Wingnut Boat drifts toward an iceberg, a maelstrom, the Bermuda Triangle, and Mr. Roarke's very own Fantasy Island where Mickey Kaus shouts, "De plane, de plane!!" except he can't tell that it's a boat! a boat! A perfect vortex of wingnut self-sabotage soon engulfs everything, and panicky natives try to push a beached K-Lo back into the surf while being careful not to get the creature's habitat waters near their mucus membranes. Aaron Spelling has just fired all the writers, and ABC has just put the show in the dreaded Friday night death slot.]
Gavin adds: If only it were so!
* Actually, these seem to be Partagas (similarly Cuban).