Jun
27

Wingnut Boat




Posted at 18:19 by HTML Mencken

Wingnuts: Old and gas-sy white prudes,
Come aboard, join their Muslim-hating spew…
Wingnuts: Humanity’s ref-use,
Flush them away; they float back up to you!

Wingnut Boat has just made yet another run,
Wingnut Boat: promises batshit-insanity that’s fun,
Set a course for de-mentia,
Your mind in a fasc-ist trance…

And, facts won’t hurt anymore!
Reality’s such a bore,
Yes, WI-IIIINGnuts! With W-IIIINGnuts!

Wingnut Boat, soon will be making another run.
And Wingnut Boat is the only place where Iraq is being won,
This said, of course, through their dentures,
A wingnutty chorus against which reality has no cha-ance…

You’ll want to jump overboard!
Off this ship of fools,
That Election 2006 shot a tor-pedo through!

It’s Wi-iingnuts! It’s Wi-ingnuts! It’s Wi-iiingnuts!
It’s Wi-ingnut Bo-oat!

nrc11.jpg nrc31.jpg nrc21.jpg
National Review Mexican cruise (l-r): Still at dock, Jonah considers whom to eat in case of shipwreck; ¡Viva la Cohiba Cubana!*; the Montana Spite Caucus in digestive repose.


‘Wingnut Boat,’ starring:

Captain William F. Buckley:

“Aren’t you embarrassed by the absence of these weapons?” Buckley snaps at Podhoretz. He has just explained that he supported the war reluctantly, because Dick Cheney convinced him Saddam Hussein had WMD primed to be fired.

[...]

Still, he ruminates over what his old friend Ronald Reagan would have made of Iraq. “I think the prudent Reagan would have figured here, and the prudent Reagan would have shunned a commitment of the kind that we are now engaged in. … I think he would have attempted to find some sort of assurance that any exposure by the United States would be exposure to a challenge the dimensions of which we could predict.” Lest liberals be too eager to adopt the Gipper as one of their own, Buckley agrees approvingly that Reagan’s approach would have been to “find a local strongman” to rule Iraq.

Doctor Norman Podhoretz:

Following the break, Norman Podhoretz and William Buckley–two of the grand old men of the Grand Old Party–begin to feud. Podhoretz will not stop speaking–”I have lots of ex-friends on the left; it looks like I’m going to have some ex-friends on the right, too,” he rants[.]

[...]

Today, he is a bristling gray ball of aggression, here to declare that the Iraq war has been “an amazing success.” He waves his fist and declaims, “There were WMD, and they were shipped to Syria. … This picture of a country in total chaos with no security is false. It has been a triumph. It couldn’t have gone better.” He wants more wars, and fast. He is “certain” Bush will bomb Iran, and “thank God” for that.

[...]

A few floors away, Podhoretz tells me he is losing his voice, “which will make some people very happy.” Then he croaks out the standard-issue Wolfowitz line about how, after September 11, the United States had to introduce democracy to the Middle East in order to change the political culture that produced the mass murderers. For somebody who declares democracy to be his goal, he is remarkably blasé about the fact that 80 percent of Iraqis want U.S. troops to leave their country, according to the latest polls. “I don’t much care,” he says, batting the question away. He goes on to insist that “nobody was tortured in Abu Ghraib or Guantánamo” and that Bush is “a hero.” He is, like most people on this cruise, certain the administration will attack Iran.

“I keep telling people we are in World War Four,” Podhoretz declares. He fumes at Buckley, George Will, and the other apostate conservatives who refuse to see sense. He again declares victory.

Mark “Grover” Steyn, Your Yeoman Purser:

The table nods solemnly before marching onward to Topic A: the billion-strong swarm of Muslims who are poised to take over the world. The idea that Europe is being “taken over” is the unifying theme of this cruise. Some people go on singles’ cruises, some on ballroom-dancing cruises. This is the Muslims Are Coming cruise. Everyone thinks it. Everyone knows it. And the man most responsible for this insight is sitting only a few tables down: Mark Steyn. He is wearing sunglasses on top of his head and a bright shirt. Steyn’s thesis in his new book, America Alone, is simple: The “European races”–i.e., white people–”are too self-absorbed to breed,” but the Muslims are multiplying quickly. The inevitable result will be “large-scale evacuation operations circa 2015″ as Europe is ceded to Al Qaeda and “Greater France remorselessly evolve[s] into Greater Bosnia.” He offers a light smearing of dubious demographic figures–he needs to turn 20 million European Muslims into more than 150 million in nine years, which is a lot of humping–to “prove” his case.

[Laugh Track: Huhuhuuhhhuhah]

Bartender Dinesh D’Souza:

“It’s customary to say we lost the Vietnam war, but who’s ‘we’?” Dinesh D’Souza asks angrily. “The left won by demanding America’s humiliation.” On this ship, there are no Viet Cong, no three million dead. There is only liberal treachery. Yes, D’Souza says, in a swift shift to domestic politics, “of course” Republican politics is “about class. Republicans are the party of winners, Democrats are the party of losers.”

[...]

Several days later, the nautical counter-revolution has docked in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, where passengers will clamber overboard into a nation they want to wall off behind a 1,000-mile fence. One expresses horror at my intention to find a local street kid to show me around, exclaiming, “Do you want to die?” D’Souza summarizes the prevailing sentiment by unveiling what he modestly calls “D’Souza’s law of immigration”: An immigrant’s quality is “proportional to the distance traveled to get to the United States.” In other words: Asians trump Latinos.

[Laugh Track: Hahahahahahahah]

Cruise Director Kate O’Beirne:

I return for dinner with my special National Review guest: Kate O’Beirne. She’s an impossibly tall blonde with the voice of a 1930s screwball star and the arguments of an 1890s Victorian patriarch. She inveighs against feminism and “women who make the world worse” in quick quips. She is sitting among adoring fans with her husband, Jim, who quickly announces that he is Donald Rumsfeld’s personnel director. “People keep asking what I’m doing here, with him being fired and all,” he says. “But the cruise has been arranged for a long time.”

I drop the news that there are moves in Germany to have Rumsfeld extradited to face war crimes charges. A red-faced man who looks like an egg with a moustache glued on grumbles, “If the Germans think they can take responsibility for the world, I don’t care about German courts. Bomb them.” I begin to cite the Pinochet precedent, and O’Beirne snaps, “Treating Don Rumsfeld like Pinochet is disgusting.” Egg Man pounds his fist on the table: “Treating Pinochet like that is disgusting. Pinochet is a hero. He saved Chile.” “Exactly,” adds O’Beirne’s husband. “And he privatized Social Security.”

[Laugh Track: Bwahahahah-hahahahah-hahaha]

[Guest Stars Howard Keel and Carol Channing are drunk and passed out in a corner. Charo has been kicked off the boat on suspicion of Latin ancestry. Cathy Lee Crosby vomits over the gunwales. The Wingnut Boat drifts toward an iceberg, a maelstrom, the Bermuda Triangle, and Mr. Roarke's very own Fantasy Island where Mickey Kaus shouts, "De plane, de plane!!" except he can't tell that it's a boat! a boat! A perfect vortex of wingnut self-sabotage soon engulfs everything, and panicky natives try to push a beached K-Lo back into the surf while being careful not to get the creature's habitat waters near their mucus membranes. Aaron Spelling has just fired all the writers, and ABC has just put the show in the dreaded Friday night death slot.]

[Update: Kancelled!!!]

Gavin adds: If only it were so!


* Actually, these seem to be Partagas (similarly Cuban).

60 Comments »

  1. Legalize said,

    June 27, 2007 at 18:28

    As soon as D’Souza finishes looking up instructions on how to prepare a Johnny Black on the rocks, I’m getting the fuck off this boat.

    p.s. you don’t even WANT to know what’s going on in the engine room….

  2. Duros62 said,

    June 27, 2007 at 18:29

    Of all the damn luck for a cruise ship NOT to catch fire and sink….

  3. MCH said,

    June 27, 2007 at 18:33

    If you sub out all the words they use to mean “Muslim” and replace them with the corresponding words that mean “Jew”, these nitwits sound a lot like something that did lead to the actual bombing of German courts (and many, many other buildings).

  4. robert green said,

    June 27, 2007 at 18:43

    Cathy Lee Crosby vomits over the gunwhales. The Wingnut Boat drifts toward an iceberg, a maelstrom, the Bermuda Triangle, and Mr. Roarke’s very own Fantasy Island where Mickey Kaus shouts, “de plane, de plane!!� except he can’t tell that it’s a boat, a boat and a perfect vortex of wingnut self-sabotage soon engulfs everything and panicky natives try to push a beached K-Lo back into the surf while being careful not to get the creature’s habitat waters near their mucus membranes.

    according to noam chomsky, it is sentences such as this, in their near-infinite recursiveness, that separate us from the chimps.

    or..sadly, No!
    http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2007/04/16/070416fa_fact_colapinto/

    crazy world. i think the tribe described in this article has a better sense of history than anyone on the wingnut boat, in that they don’t have any.

  5. tb said,

    June 27, 2007 at 18:53

    You know, most of the people who work on cruise ships are latin American. Anyone want to guess the food-to-bodily-fluid ratio these people consumed on this thing? I’d put it at 1:1.

  6. javaphil said,

    June 27, 2007 at 19:37

    Please tell me this is the episode where there’s a hurricane and they all get stranded on an island with Barbie Benton.

  7. Righteous Bubba said,

    June 27, 2007 at 19:45

    I can’t help myself. Gunwales.

  8. fluffybunnyfeet said,

    June 27, 2007 at 19:52

    I can’t help myself. Gunwales.

    Neither can I. Gun ‘em! Gun ‘em all down!

    BWahahahahahahhahah!

  9. HTML Mencken said,

    June 27, 2007 at 19:55

    fixed.

  10. a different brad said,

    June 27, 2007 at 20:14

    Man, this makes me wanna bust out the lounge singer voice and record the song.
    I don’t think I will, tho.

  11. Kathleen said,

    June 27, 2007 at 20:21

    I love Howard Keel.

  12. Xel said,

    June 27, 2007 at 20:35

    This is really quite an advanced echo chamber.

    Will we have love triangles, perhaps a dry little Whodunnit affair?

    No, no, what we really want is that episode where they switch bodies with each other!

    NO, even better – people *walking out of rooms* JUST BEFORE someone looking for them *enters*!

    It will be so droll.

  13. ifthethunderdontgetya said,

    June 27, 2007 at 20:37

    A boatload of psycopaths.

    New Speaker just added! John Bolton!

    Too bad we don’t have a functional Department of Homeland Security. A Department worthy of the name would bar them from returning to the U.S.

  14. Xel said,

    June 27, 2007 at 20:43

    Bolton. I wonder how he’ll find his spirit (assuming he isn’t all exterior) when he won’t be addressing people he doesn’t have anything but contempt for.

  15. Seitz said,

    June 27, 2007 at 20:56

    An immigrant’s quality is “proportional to the distance traveled to get to the United States.” In other words: Asians trump Latinos.

    Take that, Canadians!

  16. tigrismus said,

    June 27, 2007 at 21:04

    I don’t believe that cigar picture is genuine: that manservant is not using a C-note to light that cigar. And where are his gloves? Shocking.

  17. jade said,

    June 27, 2007 at 21:05

    Following the break, Norman Podhoretz and William Buckley–two of the grand old men of the Grand Old Party–begin to feud. Podhoretz will not stop speaking–”I have lots of ex-friends on the left; it looks like I’m going to have some ex-friends on the right, too,” he rants

    YEAH! You’d better watch out, Buckley! Cause if you don’t stop talking SMACK about Iraq, you might have to STOP BEING NORMAN PODHORETZ’S FRIEND!!!!

    And that is truly a fate worse than death….

  18. tb said,

    June 27, 2007 at 21:13

    An immigrant’s quality is “proportional to the distance traveled to get to the United States.” In other words: Asians trump Latinos.

    Immediately following that statement the ratio of urine to bourbon in drinks served the guests skyrocketed to 3:1. And about a dozen guys jerked off into D’Souza’s seafood alfredo.

  19. t4toby said,

    June 27, 2007 at 21:18

    Holy shit! The Empire and its Enablers are coming to Seattle? The bastion of all that is wrong with the world?

    How will they stand all the liberals and pot smoke?

    Maybe we should have a ‘Welcome Home’ party for them when they return. I’m thinking Cream Pie Volley.

    Anyone in?

  20. Xel said,

    June 27, 2007 at 21:18

    “Immediately following that statement the ratio of urine to bourbon in drinks served the guests skyrocketed to 3:1. And about a dozen guys jerked off into D’Souza’s seafood alfredo.”

    Then everybody shaved their heads, made some quality soup and beat each other half to death. I’d pay for the cruise to see that last part live.

  21. tb said,

    June 27, 2007 at 21:23

    What the hell are you talking about?

  22. Xel said,

    June 27, 2007 at 21:25

    Not soup. Soap.

  23. Legalize said,

    June 27, 2007 at 21:27

    Wait, this isn’t a real cruise is it? This is all a gag, right?

  24. celticgirl said,

    June 27, 2007 at 21:45

    [i]Wait, this isn’t a real cruise is it? This is all a gag, right?[i/]

    Sadly, No!

  25. celticgirl said,

    June 27, 2007 at 21:46

    Oh well, it was worth a shot. Imagine the italics…

  26. Snowwy said,

    June 27, 2007 at 21:56

    Never a finer use for a W-80 have I ever imagined. Neither Redmond, nor Sunnyvale, nor Cheney’s hideout in [redacted] would, in its removal from the world be a greater service to humanity than that boat with all those psychotics aboard.

  27. digamma said,

    June 27, 2007 at 21:58

    D’Souza summarizes the prevailing sentiment by unveiling what he modestly calls “D’Souza’s law of immigration”: An immigrant’s quality is “proportional to the distance traveled to get to the United States.” In other words: Asians trump Latinos.

    Jesus. That nearly surpasses this parody: 8:00 (Lounge 2): CAN I AX YOU A QUESTION: The ethnic comedy of John Derbyshire

  28. Kathleen said,

    June 27, 2007 at 22:30

    I think he needs to be lighting the cigar with a pearl necklace, tig.

  29. t4toby said,

    June 27, 2007 at 22:43

    I’ll bet they are going to Alaska because they imagine there will be less Brown people.

    Except D’nesh. He’s the other brown, you know, like the Crayola that’s called Xenophobic Fundamentalist and is the shade of infant diarrhea…

  30. Principal Blackman said,

    June 27, 2007 at 22:50

    I think he needs to be lighting the cigar with a pearl necklace, tig.

    Or a mint copy of Action Comics. Man, I could really go for a condor-egg omelette right about now….

  31. Trilateral Chairman said,

    June 27, 2007 at 23:01

    Podhoretz actually wrote a book called “Ex-Friends” about his falling out with the left. I don’t know why anyone would care about a book that’s essentially the equivalent of a tween’s diary, but apparently he thought it was worth doing.

    Of course, as the rest of his comments clearly reveal, he’s batshit insane.

  32. tigrismus said,

    June 27, 2007 at 23:12

    Ah, Kathleen, I was almost going to say something about their “pearl necklaces,” but I think I shan’t. Thinking of pearl necklaces and these swine makes me want to toss my Knipschildt chip cookies.

  33. Southern Beale said,

    June 27, 2007 at 23:35

    The cruise went to Mexico? MEXICO? Do they not have a sense of irony here or what?! To hear these old gas bags talk, they could go to Mexico just by staying at home!
    Abso-Freaking-HILARIOUS!

  34. Trilateral Chairman said,

    June 27, 2007 at 23:45

    Take that, Canadians!

    Yeah, the one nice thing about this proposal of D’Souza’s is that it would classify Mark Steyn and David Frum as useless morons, which happens to be perfectly true.

  35. TRex said,

    June 28, 2007 at 0:03

    My god, my god. Where’s the Norwalk virus when you need it?

  36. Brando said,

    June 28, 2007 at 0:25

    Pinochet is a hero.

    That says everything you need to know about where these people are coming from.

  37. M. Bouffant said,

    June 28, 2007 at 0:35

    Yikes!! Wish I were still in Seattle, I’d be right there w/ t4toby heaving pies (or just heaving) at these sick, deluded bastards.Couple links to various other reactions @ my personal effort to make the world safe for me blogwhoringdemocracy.
    And don’t forget that D’ipstick D’Souza is available on a daily basis @ AOL news. Just where he belongs, on the cutting edge of the innertoobz (circa 1999).

  38. bpower said,

    June 28, 2007 at 0:46

    “Still at dock, Jonah considers whom to eat in case of shipwreck; ”

    Thanks guys, I haven’t laughed like that in days. Wiping a tear from my eye, getting some nice after-giggles.

  39. Barney said,

    June 28, 2007 at 1:06

    Aww, poor widdle Jay Nordlinger’s feewings are all hurt:

    Mr. Hari went on a cruise lasting a week, and involving hundreds of people. What he has done, it seems to me, is pluck our worst moments, and relate them in colorful and vicious prose. One of the most reprehensible things about this article is its physical descriptions — descriptions of our passengers and guest speakers. The article is grotesquely mean — despicably mean — and I don’t think a decent magazine could publish it.

    You might say that Mr. Hari and I are in the same business — opinion journalism. But, frankly — not to get on too high a horse — I don’t regard myself as in the same business. If I am, I don’t want to be. Because Mr. Hari’s is a business in which humanity is out the window.

    It’s despicable, dethpicable, I thay, that Hari is so inhuman as to not agree that General Pinochet wasn’t a fine, upstanding man, who helped solve his country’s social security problem by disposing of many people he felt would be a burden to the state in their old age, or, indeed, the very next day.

  40. Righteous Bubba said,

    June 28, 2007 at 1:17

    Aww, poor widdle Jay Nordlinger’s feewings are all hurt:

    That’s a hilarious article.

    I have frequently said, “I could make Einstein look like an idiot — and do so without the merest inaccuracy.” All I have to do is quote selectively and so on. Slant, slant, slant. Avoid even a breath of balance. 60 Minutes has specialized in these arts for decades.

    Uh, where do you work again?

  41. isaac said,

    June 28, 2007 at 1:33

    >>>You know, most of the people who work on cruise ships are latin American. Anyone want to guess the food-to-bodily-fluid ratio these people consumed on this thing? I’d put it at 1:1.

    the first rule of fight club…

  42. Kathleen said,

    June 28, 2007 at 2:47

    don’t worry folks, Jay doesn’t let us down!

    “And I am reminded of one of the reasons I fled the Left, many years ago”

    instead insomnia cure.

  43. tigrismus said,

    June 28, 2007 at 3:06

    The article is grotesquely mean — despicably mean — and I don’t think a decent magazine could publish it.

    Then Ann Coulter rags on Mrs Edwards’ cancer and the couple’s mourning for a dead child and hilarity ensues.

  44. SamFromUtah said,

    June 28, 2007 at 3:14

    Nordinger seems to be angling for the 2007 “Purple Teardrop with Clutched Pearls Cluster” Kippie.

  45. galactic Dustbin said,

    June 28, 2007 at 3:53

    what? they are coming to Seattle? When? I GOT to get in on this!

  46. Righteous Bubba said,

    June 28, 2007 at 6:00

    Nordinger seems to be angling for the 2007 “Purple Teardrop with Clutched Pearls Cluster� Kippie.

    True.

  47. Paddy Mac said,

    June 28, 2007 at 7:37

    Ironically, here in Seattle we’ve had quite a civic ruckus about certain cruise ships’ policy of pumping sewage overboard into our harbor. Enforcement of the resulting environmental laws should keep all of these guys shipboard for the duration of their stay.

  48. Anne Laurie said,

    June 28, 2007 at 8:37

    My god, my god. Where’s the Norwalk virus when you need it?

    Professional courtesy, as in the old joke about lawyers surviving shark-infested waters: These ghouls are primitive parasites whose careers are nothing more than a few days’ misery and intestinal unpleasantness for their more sophisticated victims.

  49. TRex said,

    June 28, 2007 at 8:52

    Professional courtesy, as in the old joke about lawyers surviving shark-infested waters: These ghouls are primitive parasites whose careers are nothing more than a few days’ misery and intestinal unpleasantness for their more sophisticated victims.

    I do love you, Anne Laurie. I do.

  50. Chirru » Blog Archive » Love Boat — Republican Style! said,

    June 28, 2007 at 9:07

    [...] Hari has a wonderful piece up today about the National Review cruise. (Sadly No! has appropriately redone the Love Boat song to accompany [...]

  51. Karl Rove II said,

    June 28, 2007 at 18:17

    Maybe we could slip the CIA some intel that ObL will be on the ship and they’ll sink the fucker…

    “To dream the impossible dream…”

  52. mikey said,

    June 28, 2007 at 20:02

    Hey, Sadlys. Did you notice the shoutout you got from none other than the estimable Digby for this piece? Bravo, gentlement, bravo I say…

    mikey

  53. Dr.BDH said,

    June 28, 2007 at 21:06

    They’re headed to Alaska, where they won’t believe their eyes that the glaciers are retreating. Back home they’ll huff, “I’ve been there! There’s still plenty of ice! Gore’s fat!” Meanwhile, John Bolton will assure them that everyone who works for the Federal government exists only to carry out Bush’s wetdreams. Oh, they’ll come home so happy (unless the norovirus — please note the name change) gets them en route.

  54. gallery said,

    July 2, 2007 at 16:39

    Hauling that much trash out to sea, I’m surprised they weren’t boarded by Greenpeace.

  55. bb said,

    July 2, 2007 at 19:15

    “A bunch of swarthy animals, no doubt. But I can’t talk freely around the help.”

  56. Ann Andrews said,

    July 2, 2007 at 19:35

    “It nearly impossible to believe that these are the people who have been running the world for the last six years — and they are. These are Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld’s people. We put a bunch of rich, deluded, paranoid racists in charge of the most powerful nation on earth. It’s a miracle we’re still alive.”

    Couldn’t have said it better myself. A paragraph to be shared with anyone who still thinks that the last seven years have been the best years of their lives.

  57. Paul in Louisville said,

    July 3, 2007 at 0:09

    I bet there was more gay sex than a Rosie cruise, too.

  58. Sadly, No! » “The darkies are out-breeding us!!” said,

    August 21, 2007 at 0:53

    [...] We’ve seen this way of thinking elsewhere as well: The table nods solemnly before marching onward to Topic A: the billion-strong swarm of Muslims who are poised to take over the world. The idea that Europe is being “taken over” is the unifying theme of this cruise. Some people go on singles’ cruises, some on ballroom-dancing cruises. This is the Muslims Are Coming cruise. Everyone thinks it. Everyone knows it. And the man most responsible for this insight is sitting only a few tables down: Mark Steyn. He is wearing sunglasses on top of his head and a bright shirt. Steyn’s thesis in his new book, America Alone, is simple: The “European races”–i.e., white people–”are too self-absorbed to breed,” but the Muslims are multiplying quickly. The inevitable result will be “large-scale evacuation operations circa 2015? as Europe is ceded to Al Qaeda and “Greater France remorselessly evolve[s] into Greater Bosnia.” He offers a light smearing of dubious demographic figures–he needs to turn 20 million European Muslims into more than 150 million in nine years, which is a lot of humping–to “prove” his case. [...]

  59. Sadly, No! » LOLWTF said,

    June 5, 2008 at 1:08

    [...] is one of those “National Greatness” neoconmen. Like Teh Kristolmethodists, Teh Pod People, David Frum Canadia, and, yes, like John McCain[1], Brooks is quite willing to be flexible when it [...]

  60. Sadly, No! » Lil’ Spite de L’escalier said,

    December 26, 2012 at 7:40

    [...] Cf. [...]

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