21
Set Phasers on Delicious Ranch Dressing!
Holodeck abuser and political red shirt Dafydd ab Hugh won’t go away, despite having been killed off in the national script about three acts ago. No, he’s still lurking near the Craft Services table, having his wikipedia profile edited by furries and, of course, blogging.
Today, Dafydd takes on Newt Gingrich, of all people … this despite the fact that Newt’s Contract with America “drew my enthusiastic cheerleading.”
The disturbing image of Dafydd in tights and anchoring a human pyramid aside, his disappointment concerns Newt’s updated 21st Century Contract with America, which apparently contains too few specifics on what Dafydd considers to be the pressing issues of our time: passenger flights to Ganymede and cleaning the Muslim-induced shitstains out of his pants (tights?*).
Newt’s “solutions” do not include anything about the seminal threat of our age, the war against global jihadism. In fact, his new contract barely even mentions defense at all, restricting itself to a mere platitude so bland and non-committal that anyone — even Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-Carpetbag, 95%), Senate Majority Leader Harry “Pinky” Reid (D-Caesar’s Palace, 90%), and Squeaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-Haight-Ashbury, 95%) — could enthusiastically applaud it …
That sort of wit makes you want to race out and buy Doom #1: Knee-Deep in the Dead, no? But wait, there’s more!
Disgusted with Gingrich, ab Hugh has serious questions for that erstwhile person of relevance:
- How he thinks we can — and whether he thinks we should — raise up the Non-Integrating Gap discussed by Thomas P.M. Barnett’s the Pentagon’s New Map, which may be driving the surge of militant islamism sweeping the ummah, to the level of the Functioning Core;
- Exactly what he means by “investing in… energy, space, and the environment.” What energy investments, for example? Is he talking about modern Integral Fast or Pebble Bed Modular Technology nuclear plants? Hydrogen-powered cars? High-temperature ceramic engines? Broadcast power? Better battery technology?
In space policy, does he support the manned Mars expedition, or any manned space exploration at all? Is he a fan of runway-to-orbit routine access to space for passengers and cargo? How about Shuttle II, orbital transfer vehicles (to transition from low to high earth orbit, for example), space-based weaponry**, solar power satellites, SDI, permanent space colonies (or even O’Neill colonies)?
Let me put it bluntly – man, I love me some Dafydd ab Hugh. But exactly what do I mean by “love”? Am I talking about integrating Intel Quad-Core Microprocessors in Virtualized VMware Servers to enable more powerful eHarmony SQL databases? Improvements in Ground-Piercing Radar to more efficiently pinpoint diamond-bearing Kimberlite pipes? The love of double foot-long sammiches? The love of double foot-long sammiches consumed in Zero-G on a pleasure cruise to Asteroid 3360 Syrinx?
[Gavin adds:
"Mr. Gingrich, ab Hugh here. Big fan. Sir, apropos Thomas P.M. Barnett's The Pentagon's New Map, which you have no doubt read, do you believe the US should 'raise the non-integrating gap' against militant Islamism by invading a Muslim country? And with Democrats threatening to betray our troops in Iraq, how should we. . .um, I don't want to say 'gloat,' but rub in their snide faces the spectacular victory and flourishing of Democracy? If we decide to invade a Muslim country?† Thank you, sir."
Gingrich: "Uh..."]
And then Dafydd gets all metaphysical:
Reading all this, I sincerely believe that Newt Gingrich has no plans to run for president anytime soon: If he were serious about running, he would be addressing real issues, not spouting meaningless truisms and tautologies that would draw the support of everybody from Alvin and Heidi Toffler and Ayn Rand to Hugo Chavez and Josef Stalin.
[Gavin adds: Because, you know, meaningless truisms and tautologies have had no place in recent American presidential campaigns.]
Which leads one to wonder if Dafydd is aware that two-fifths of those people have been dead and buried for some years, and are probably having some trouble supporting their own rib cages at this point, let alone Newt Gingrich talking points.
And then it dawns on you … of course! The holodeck! Dafydd, you sly dog … but Ayn Rand and Josef Stalin? That’s just sort of gross.
*Furry suit? Grrrr!
**With Viagra prices being what they are, Dafydd has found a cost-effective alternative: typing the words “space-based weaponry”.
† Barnett’s analysis has a significant flaw in that it calls a mulligan on Iraq.
alphie said,
June 21, 2007 at 9:33
The disturbing image of Dafydd in tights and anchoring a human pyramid…in Abu Ghraib.
*shudder*
D. Aristophanes said,
June 21, 2007 at 9:43
I really do love how Dafy Dafydd wants Gingrich, the guy who practically invented the sound-bite, to pepper his speeches with discussions of Pebble Bed Modular Technology nuclear plants … like, that really wakes ‘em up in Peoria.
D. Aristophanes said,
June 21, 2007 at 9:48
Also: Where does Gingrich stand on the events depicted in Issue #17 of the West Coast Avengers? Interested spastics want to know!
Some Guy said,
June 21, 2007 at 9:54
I should point out that manned space exploration is retarded, useless, and not at all practical.
Marsupial said,
June 21, 2007 at 9:54
It seems that Wikipedia is looking for a picture to go along with that biography.
I’m just sayin’…
noen said,
June 21, 2007 at 12:09
umm… this Dafydd guy is seriously nuts. My god what a strange website. Nice to know he went all out and spent a little extra on the graphics. Gives it that “I’m stark raving mad” look all them 1337 cyberhaxors are on about.
From his wikipedia profile:
“His most noted story, “The Coon Rolled Down and Ruptured His Larinks, A Squeezed Novel by Mr. Skunk”, was nominated for the Hugo Award and Nebula Award. It concerns sentient animals and inter-species sex.”
I never did understand furries. I’ve known a few but I can’t say I understand them.
Notorious P.A.T. said,
June 21, 2007 at 12:16
The disturbing image of Dafydd in tights and anchoring a human pyramid aside
You guys are worse than Hitler, Stalin, and Jimmy Carter combined.
R. Porrofatto said,
June 21, 2007 at 12:24
Gingrich has been spouting meaningless truisms and tautologies since the 70′s. It only took thirty-plus years for Daffy to finally catch on. At this rate, sometime around 2037 he’ll note that George W. Bush appears to be an idiot.
atheist said,
June 21, 2007 at 12:32
“His most noted story, “The Coon Rolled Down and Ruptured His Larinks, A Squeezed Novel by Mr. Skunk�, was nominated for the Hugo Award and Nebula Award. It concerns sentient animals and inter-species sex.�
Waitaminute- Ab Hugh wrote that story?
Hmmm… this changes things a bit. I really kinda liked that story.
Ginger Yellow said,
June 21, 2007 at 13:43
“Reading all this, I sincerely believe that Newt Gingrich has no plans to run for president anytime soon: If he were serious about running, he would be addressing real issues, not spouting meaningless truisms and tautologies that would draw the support of everybody from Alvin and Heidi Toffler and Ayn Rand to Hugo Chavez and Josef Stalin.”
Because if there’s one thing presidential candidates are known for, it’s eschewing crowd-pleasing platitudes in favour of detailed policy proposals.
Herr Doktor Bimler said,
June 21, 2007 at 13:52
the seminal threat of our age
Personally I would have hesitated to place the words ‘seminal’ and ‘threat’ side-by-side. Perhaps this is why no-one is paying me to turn computer games into spin-off novels.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
June 21, 2007 at 14:07
Did somebody say seminal threat?
^0
atheist said,
June 21, 2007 at 14:10
the seminal threat of our age
Like, one might be threatened by flying Jihadist sperm… is that what he means?
atheist said,
June 21, 2007 at 14:29
You guys could really use some tuffer gay hamsters. Have you considered sending them to Butch Camp?
Or do you need more $$$ for that?
Jillian said,
June 21, 2007 at 14:41
What he means by “seminal threat” is that the fear put in him by THE TERRORISTS OMGWTFBBQ!!!111ELEVNTY-ONE!!!! has made it hard for him to achieve enough of an erection to be able to produce semen any more.
Pretty straightfoward, really.
Doc Washboard said,
June 21, 2007 at 14:50
Okay, when I went to his Wikipedia entry and learned that he’d been nominated for a Hugo and a Nebula, I had to back off a little, because there was a time in my life when I would have given a lot to be a Hugo or Nebula nominee. I was also touched by this passage: “In the 1980s he served in the U.S. Navy training to be a Radar Intercept Officer, hoping to be selected to become an astronaut.” When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut, too! And hey–I love big old sandwiches.
ab Hugh and I are brothers under the skin. And under the layer of protective blubber.
Randall Byrd said,
June 21, 2007 at 14:56
Say, could you guys figure out a way to make the page load even slower?
The 2 minute wait just ain’t working for me.
Thanks.
Giant Sammich said,
June 21, 2007 at 15:15
I’m back bitches!
Dammit!
atheist said,
June 21, 2007 at 15:36
Okay, when I went to his Wikipedia entry and learned that he’d been nominated for a Hugo and a Nebula, I had to back off a little, because there was a time in my life when I would have given a lot to be a Hugo or Nebula nominee
Yeah, that novella of his (“The coon rolled down…”) was really quite well-written, a good science fiction tale. Which did indeed involve intelligent animals and inter-species sex, among other things. That was a while ago though. I haven’t read them but the “Doom” spinoff books he has written are probably just like you’d expect them to be- lots of pointless violence.
Chris said,
June 21, 2007 at 15:38
“The love of double foot-long sammiches consumed in Zero-G on a pleasure cruise to Asteroid 3360 Syrinx?”
Don’t tell us, SHOW US!
g said,
June 21, 2007 at 16:04
the seminal threat of our age, the war against global jihadism.
I think he’s a little confused.Is global jihadism the seminal threat of our age? Or is it the war on global jihadism? Inquiring minds want to…oh, actually, I don’t give a shit.
Um…I think I know what a furry is, but..um…can it be real?
Lawnguylander said,
June 21, 2007 at 16:14
Daffy having this graphic. on his site proves that ham based life forms have no souls. What a bursting at the seams douchebag.
Lesley said,
June 21, 2007 at 16:24
Excuse me, but is that a lime on his head?
g said,
June 21, 2007 at 16:28
I think it’s a carved watermelon.
splinterbrain said,
June 21, 2007 at 16:30
It’s Comic Book Guys like Hugh that give those of us who want our public policy to aspire to reach greater technological achievements a bad name.
D. Aristophanes said,
June 21, 2007 at 16:30
Lawnguylander – yeah, I noticed that graphic but forgot to mention it. It’s so despicable that none of the other wingnuts have picked up on it … usually they go for that sort of viral meme-spreader.
Fishbone McGonigle said,
June 21, 2007 at 17:27
Did somebody say seminal threat?
Loved that band when I was in high school.
Righteous Bubba said,
June 21, 2007 at 18:21
Excuse me, but is that a lime on his head?
A lime on his coconut?
Gentlewoman said,
June 21, 2007 at 19:46
Excuse me, but is that a lime on his head?
I believe this is a reference to lolcats in citrus headgear.
Speaking of which:
ur internetz srvrz r brokened agin d00dz
pls fix
kthxbai
Kathleen said,
June 21, 2007 at 20:51
is this the part where we walk around the mall with a lime on our heads?
Simba B. said,
June 21, 2007 at 20:52
I think I speak for most furries when I say we want nothing to do with this guy. We may be batshit crazy in a lot of respects, but…PLEASE.
I never did understand furries. I’ve known a few but I can’t say I understand them.
Hey, it’s OK. I can’t say as I can explain the whole thing or even understand it myself. All I know is it’s been a great excuse for me to meet and hang out with some cool people.
FlipYrWhig said,
June 21, 2007 at 22:19
“In the 1980s he served in the U.S. Navy training to be a Radar Intercept Officer, hoping to be selected to become an astronaut.�
Waitaminit — how old is this guy? I figured him for 30 or so, just old enough to have had Reagan-enthused parents as he was coming to political consciousness. But that doesn’t work with his pursuit of |33t astronaut p0werz.
tigrismus said,
June 21, 2007 at 22:35
You liked that story, atheist? I hated it. Despised, even. I lurved “1/72nd Scale,” “Tower of Babylon” and “The Hemingway Hoax” though.
Herr Doktor Bimler said,
June 21, 2007 at 22:50
the seminal threat of our age
Like, one might be threatened by flying Jihadist sperm
You had to do it, didn’t you? You just had to pick the low-hanging fruit. And… squeeze them. And whack them repeatedly with a table-tennis bat. And…
Sorry. The voices made me say that.
Nimrod Gently said,
June 21, 2007 at 22:53
Insane Welshman alert!
atheist said,
June 21, 2007 at 23:20
Hmm… OK Tigrismus, what did you loathe about that particular story?
Were the other ones you mentioned also by Ab Hugh?
tigrismus said,
June 21, 2007 at 23:49
No, they were other Nebula nominees/winners that year. It’s been a while since I read it so I can’t give you detailed reasoning, but I remember thinking it was anti-science, anti-intellectual, anti-democratic, and pretty damn crass.
mikey said,
June 21, 2007 at 23:59
I liked “The Einstein Intersection”. Does that count?
mikey
Pere Ubu said,
June 22, 2007 at 2:23
In space policy, does he support the manned Mars expedition, or any manned space exploration at all? Is he a fan of runway-to-orbit routine access to space for passengers and cargo?
Hey Daffy? A lil’ wake-up for you here.
Gingrich and company don’t give a flying fuck about space missions. They give lip service to stuff like that to rope in Libertarian techo-weenies like you, They know you’re stupid enough to fall for it and therefore forgive their sociopathic policies ’cause they keep yammering about space colonies and Mars missions.
The truth? They’ll pour fucking raspberry vinagrette dressing over that money rather than spend it on Mars missions. Oh, sure, they’ll support NASA – ’cause it’s becoming nothing more than a taxi service for kewl nukyular military Pentagon payloads. And if they DO get into space, they’ll reserve it for their multimillionaire buddies as a haven while we stew in the toxic mess they’ve left on Earth.
If you want to go to Mars, you’d best start learning Hindi or Mandarin or French. ‘Cause they’ll be doing the shit you want to see while the GOP you so idiotically adore is plotting new and exciting wars to be fought with your tax dollars.
Pere Ubu said,
June 22, 2007 at 2:28
Oh, BTW – Daffy serves to reinforce my feeling on SF these days: “literature of imagination, my fucking ass!”
I swear, so much of it is nothing more than Libertarianism and Social Darwinism with a veneer of technology. Ayn Rand with lasers & spaceships.
mikey said,
June 22, 2007 at 2:52
Ok, didn’t dig “The Einstein Intersection”? How ’bout “Dying Inside”? I really liked that one. Or “The Lathe of Heaven”? That kicked fuckin ass….
mikey
Dan Someone said,
June 22, 2007 at 6:52
Oh, sure, they’ll support NASA – ’cause it’s becoming nothing more than a taxi service for kewl nukyular military Pentagon payloads.
But of course, that’s what Daffy is really on about. Oh sure, if he could visit the Sex Caverns of Zorgmar VII, he’d be thrilled to pieces, but what really cranks his, er, crank is the idea of the You Ess Of Fuckin’ A raining hot atomic death on the Evil Mooslamicists from low earth orbit.
Marc said,
June 22, 2007 at 8:15
No picture of Dyyvydvydvyd is complete without a sandwich. Although the lime on his head does count as food in a pinch, I suppose.
atheist said,
June 22, 2007 at 12:00
Mikey
I heard “The Lathe of Heaven” was cool. Generally anything Le Guin writes is great or at least good. She’s still writing short stories today and they are still really good.
Just read a review of ‘Dying Inside’, that also sounds pretty cool. Have you read anything else by Delaney than the ‘Einstein’ one? I read a pretty good novella of his, what was it, “Time Considered as a Helix of Semiprecious Stones”. That was pretty good.