20
Shorter Ann Althouse
Let’s Take A Closer Look At Bill’s Carrot And Hillary’s Onion Ring.
- Why dearies, it was all a little trick to make you think I’m craz. . .Graah! Zarg! Fleen! I can sue you!
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.
Update: Apparently, everybody wants a piece of the action. Leo Pusateri at Blogs For Bush thinks he’s found the real secret message in the new Clinton ad:
My training in psychology has led me to ponder a few ramifications of Clinton’s choice for her little ’08 debutante preview.
Above: Pusateri pondering psychological ramifications
Was it any accident that Clinton, Inc., chose to emulate a series about a ruthless mob crime family? (I don’t think that the Clintons have ever done anything by accident).
Or was it a not-so-veiled warning to those who would cross them?
Um, yeah. And wasn’t there a guy on The Sopranos called ‘Big Pussy?’ It’s all coming together now, Leo. A few more pages of tiny, scrawled notes in your Klinton Konspiracy notebooks, and you’ll blow the roof off this shack.
billy pilgrim said,
June 20, 2007 at 20:46
wal-Rus! wal-Rus! wal-Rus! wal-Rus!
Mike Nilsen said,
June 20, 2007 at 20:47
Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, Ann.
– Dean Vernon Wormer
mrstrailerco said,
June 20, 2007 at 20:52
I can’t believe that woman is a law professor.
Legalize said,
June 20, 2007 at 20:52
“Graah! Zarg! Fleen!”
Read that backwards. It’s totally trippy.
Zippy the Althouse said,
June 20, 2007 at 20:58
I, uh, I meant to do that.
Jeopardude said,
June 20, 2007 at 20:59
The Clintons have turned into the Rorschach Blot for the bitter. e.g. this commenter ”
I immediately saw the sexual innuendo of the carrots and onion ring metaphor. Hillary is sending a subliminal message that she has Bill (Depends on what the definition of ‘IS’ is) on a short leash. If elected she will not turn the Lincoln bedroom into a bordello for Cigar Bill and a bunch of horny interns looking to share power and a blue dress.”
Uh, dude, HRC was not sending a subliminal message, you’re projecting, kooky britches.
Brando said,
June 20, 2007 at 21:00
I wonder if her logic works in reverse, and when she sees a vagina, she thinks of onion rings.
judeanpeo.... said,
June 20, 2007 at 21:01
Christ!
now i have this burning sensation whenever i think
i think i caught something from ann’s dirty mind.
trifecta said,
June 20, 2007 at 21:02
Two young lawyers meet, and are nervous about taking the bar. They compare notes.
Lawyer A: My Professor wrote seven briefs to the Supreme Court in wide ranging cases and explained the legal reasoning behind them. I am nervous, but I feel well prepared.
Lawyer B: My law professor didn’t get around to my briefs because she was blogging about a young woman’s tits, vlogging Sanjaya on American Idol, and comparing onion rings to Hillary Clinton’s vagina. She showed up to class smelling of cigarettes and stale Gallo wine.
I am fucking doomed.
tb said,
June 20, 2007 at 21:08
Ann: Oh, Clinton’s cock, Clinton’s cock, Clinton’s cock, Clinton’s cock, Clinton’s cock, Clinton’s cock, Clinton’s COCK, Clinton’s cock, Clinton’s cock, Clinton’s cock, Clinton’s cock, Clinton’s cock, Clinton’s cock, Clinton’s cock, Clinton’s cock, Clinton’s cock, CLINTON’S COCK, CLINTON’S COCK, CLINTON’S COCK!!!!1!!
Here’s my favorite:
Yeah. What a mind.
Spokane Moderate said,
June 20, 2007 at 21:20
Paris Hilton is blogging from jail?
She must *really* need attention.
a different brad said,
June 20, 2007 at 21:36
Althouse’s making jokes about people calling her crazy is starting to remind me of an alcoholic I knew in high school. He’d joke about his problem and *poof* he had no problem. If you can laugh about it, you haven’t lost control, right?
I’d say Ann should read Rameau’s Nephew, but I don’t think she’d get it.
J— said,
June 20, 2007 at 21:58
Leo Pusateri at Blogs for Bush examines the Clinton video:
Pusateri’s training is in psychology.
Candy said,
June 20, 2007 at 22:04
I clicked over to and read that entire thread. One commenter was saying that if the Dems dropped all the “plans for raising taxes” and “social spending (healthcare)” they’d win big and stay in power. Is this what a “centrist” or a “sensible liberal” is supposed to believe in? If so, I’m very happy to say that I’m way over on teh Left.
I also learned that there is something called “anti-Althausian literature”. Would this be a bOdy of wOrk?
Fade said,
June 20, 2007 at 22:05
Brando said,
June 20, 2007 at 21:00
I wonder if her logic works in reverse, and when she sees a vagina, she thinks of onion rings.
Damn you, Brando! Damn you to hell…!
jesus christ, it will take me days to fix that in my head now.
Dr.BDH said,
June 20, 2007 at 22:05
Pusateri’s training is in psychology. All that “training” and he still wets the carpet? What a waste!
Pan Shithouse said,
June 20, 2007 at 22:06
You try walking through the mall with a carrot stick in your onion ring and see what kind of reaction you get!
steve_e said,
June 20, 2007 at 22:09
I think we’ve found Ace’s dream girl. Ace has a taste for bacon and Play-Doh. Maybe Althouse will offer him her greasy onion ring. She can eat his carrot stick. Damn, that’s…..not hot. Actually, THAT’S HORRIBLE.
His Grace said,
June 20, 2007 at 22:16
I get the impression that Ann Althouse seems to think that Bill Clinton is some sort of super-sex addicted freak who’s transgressions vastly exceed all other men’s combined. Even were this true, why does Ann think reading sexual innuendo into anything anybody does around Bill Clinton is something a self respecting bystander should do?
Say some person, perhaps even a law professor, knew a married couple that went through the pains of infidelity. Say that person made cracks about such infidelity to his or her friends years after the matter. I think most people would think that person would be a complete and total cobag.
GoatBoy said,
June 20, 2007 at 22:22
Say some person, perhaps even a law professor, knew a married couple that went through the pains of infidelity. Say that person made cracks about such infidelity to his or her friends years after the matter. I think most people would think that person would be a complete and total cobag.
Hear hear!
Steve said,
June 20, 2007 at 22:22
Once upon a time an attractive work colleague convinced me to try sushi for lunch. I wasn’t a sushi fan, but she was persuasive.
I tried a wide variety and most of it was decent and pretty normal, frankly. But there was one bit of sushi that looked like a weird bunch of orange gooey bubbles and freaked me out a little. I asked her what it was.
“It’s sea urchin,” she said. “I have a theory about what it tastes like, but you have to try it first, and then I’ll tell you.” Okay, I said.
I wasn’t quite sure how to describe the taste. It was kind of… rubbery, I guess? Offhand, I couldn’t recall ever tasting anything quite like it. “Okay, what the heck do you think that tastes like?” I asked her.
She leaned across the lunch table. In a loud whisper, she proclaimed, “It tastes like pussy!”
A little OT, I guess, but you don’t get many chances to fit a good food/vagina story into ordinary conversation.
Candy said,
June 20, 2007 at 22:24
One of the commenters on that thread mentioned ol’ Ace. Apparently, according to this Fan o’Ann, Ace is so smart, he’s just baiting all of us moonbats with his conservative “stereotype” parody.
I don’t think Ann and Ace work as a couple, even factoring in the auspicious “A A” initials. (Ann wouldn’t have to change the monograms she’s doubtless got on her towels). After all, they’d have a battle royale for attention. Imagine a co-blog…
Brando said,
June 20, 2007 at 22:30
I think we’ve found Ace’s dream girl. Ace has a taste for bacon and Play-Doh. Maybe Althouse will offer him her greasy onion ring. She can eat his carrot stick. Damn, that’s…..not hot. Actually, THAT’S HORRIBLE.
If the Catholic Church ever needs help keeping priests celibate, that’s the training program right there.
I wish I had a shower in my cubicle right now, and a full bar of Lava soap.
logopetria said,
June 20, 2007 at 22:30
“Ann wouldn’t have to change the monograms she’s doubtless got on her towels”
But aren’t her towels monogrammed with “I, AA”?
MJP said,
June 20, 2007 at 22:34
“Lawyer A: My Professor wrote seven briefs to the Supreme Court in wide ranging cases and explained the legal reasoning behind them. I am nervous, but I feel well prepared.
Lawyer B: My law professor didn’t get around to my briefs because she was blogging about a young woman’s tits, vlogging Sanjaya on American Idol, and comparing onion rings to Hillary Clinton’s vagina. She showed up to class smelling of cigarettes and stale Gallo wine.”
I thought Clinton told that MTV audience that he wore boxers, not briefs.
a different brad said,
June 20, 2007 at 22:48
Dear Ann and Ace;
Sometimes you make the joke, and sometimes the joke makes you.
I know you have no idea what that means.
Hence the problem.
Simba B. said,
June 20, 2007 at 22:52
I made the mistake of reading that Althouse post. Well, for about three paragraphs. Then I just scrolled down to see how long it was. She wins the award for writing the most shit (and I mean shit) about …. **drum roll** … nothing.
And right-wingers say that our side of Blogistan is verbose….holy shit.
Sensible Moderate Centrist said,
June 20, 2007 at 22:57
Bill Clinton fucks a lot of chicks and Hillary bust his balls. Haw haw!
Principal Blackman said,
June 20, 2007 at 22:58
See, I read ol’ Pusateri’s drivel first and thought he had done an excellent job encapsuling the utter fucking stupidity that drives the wingnuts’ ClintonPanic!(tm). But then I saw Ann Althouse’s scrawlings and realized that poor Leo is actually chasing Althouse to the bottom of The Great Well of Craziness. Poor guy can’t even win for losing.
Phoenician in a time of Romans said,
June 20, 2007 at 23:52
I get the impression that Ann Althouse seems to think that Bill Clinton is some sort of super-sex addicted freak who’s transgressions vastly exceed all other men’s combined.
Oh, for Christ’s sake – Bill, just close your eyes and screw her already if it’ll shut her up. I’m sure Hillary will agree that the benefit to humanity as a whole is worth it.
J— said,
June 21, 2007 at 0:01
Schlussel went with the nativist angle (ellipses and emphasis hers):
Who’s next?
Herr Doktor Bimler said,
June 21, 2007 at 0:10
Pusateri’s training in psychology has led me to ponder a few ramifications…
In contrast, my training in psychology only led me to conduct sadistic experiments on undergraduate students, involving strobing lights and cockroaches and tape-recorded baby crying.
Unless it was the akvavit and the dried leeches that led me to do that.
a different brad said,
June 21, 2007 at 0:22
I’m no Clinton fan, but I can’t advocate him taking one for the team and sleeping with Althouse. Being in that proximity to her would lead to murder, and imagine the noise from the right if Bill killed someone for real. It’s just not worth it.
Marita said,
June 21, 2007 at 0:47
Are you sure that was really Schlussel, J-? I thought she only wrote in SCREECHING ALLCAPS.
Almost time for the Beavers/Eaters game in the College World Series, if anyone wants to tune in and crack jokes about the mascots..
g said,
June 21, 2007 at 0:55
Was it any accident that Clinton, Inc., chose to emulate a series about a ruthless mob crime family? …Or was it a not-so-veiled warning to those who would cross them?
If that was the case, why pick onion rings and juke boxes? Why not shoot the ad on a park bench and show Ron Brown’s crashing plane in the background?
Or does whats his name really fear that, if elected, Clinton’s going to start building spec houses with inferior lumber and sell keratase shampoo out of the back of a truck? While forcing the White House chef to serve Lincoln Log sandwiches?
His Grace said,
June 21, 2007 at 0:55
Perhaps in lieu of Clinton taking one for the team, we set up some sort of wingnut sex therapist fund?
g said,
June 21, 2007 at 1:20
Over at BlogsforBush, one commenter has two posts that illustrate the mental acuity of these guys:
You make a good point Mark. The Clintons are the polical mob. They have it all. Polical hitmen, polical money laundering, polical extorsion. They are polical Sopranos. Hillary is Tony and Bill is Carmella.
Posted by: jbiccum at June 20, 2007 12:17 PM
——————————————————————————–
Scratch that. Bill is Tony. Tony likes to screw other women all the time, and Carmella stays with him for the money and the power. Perfect analogy.
Posted by: jbiccum at June 20, 2007 12:19 PM
——————————————————————————–
Simple shithead takes two tries to come up with the A Number One most obvious character analysis of the Sopranos
“Uh…wait a minute, no, Hillary is Livia, un, and uh Bill is Junior. No wait, no I got it, Vince Foster is like Christophuh and Robert Reich is Paulie Walnuts. See, an’ Bill’s trying to punch out Lauren Bacall while his teeth fall out in front of Annette Bening.”
Doc Washboard said,
June 21, 2007 at 1:33
I took a quick spin past the link you offered up above, and I came across this totally awesome paragraph:
She crosses the T’s and dots the I’s with this one. Yet more proof (as if any were needed) that Barbara Mikkelson is simply smarter than I am. I’m almost convinced to take off my tinfoil hat.
owlbear1 said,
June 21, 2007 at 1:34
Dead Man Walking!
Leo, YOU FOOL!
Now you’re gonna have Hillary’s Femaninjettes stalking you until the end of your days…
Pere Ubu said,
June 21, 2007 at 3:26
Oh for fuck’s sake.
If it meant having a President who had a vauge command of the English language, some small return to espoused American values, a Not Insane foreign policy and a return to budget surpluses I’ve have the Clintons back in the White House in a heartbeat. Compared to what we have now even Bill’s term in office doesn’t look so bad, and I wasn’t exactly a Bill Clinton fan at the time.
After all, what are organized crime except unconventional buisnessmen? We’ve GOT corporate lawbreakers in Washington as it is – how would letting the Mob run things be all that worse? At least they’d be honest about it.
And I see Debbie is off her meds again. That’s American health care for you in a nutshell, accent on “nut”. “ZOMFG Chelsea is driving a FURRIN CAR!!11! Look of FEAR! And teh SONG is by a CANADIAN! Them FURRINERS is taking over our COUNTRY I tells ya!”
Pere Ubu said,
June 21, 2007 at 3:29
“what IS organized crime”?
Is “organized crime” a mass noun?
It’s been a long day, I tells ya.
g said,
June 21, 2007 at 3:30
We’ve GOT corporate lawbreakers in Washington as it is – how would letting the Mob run things be all that worse? At least they’d be honest about it.
And competent. Unlike the Bushies.
Some Guy said,
June 21, 2007 at 3:59
“My training in psychology has led me to ponder a few ramifications of Clinton’s choice for her little ‘08 debutante preview.”
Hey, I took a few psych courses in College, too.
Here’s MY analysis: People like pop culture references to things they like.
Remember that scene in Happy Gilmore where he gets his ass kicked by Bob barker? Of course you do. Everyone remembers that scene.
This is the same thing.
g said,
June 21, 2007 at 4:30
If someone watching that ad is getting the primary message of “Don’t cross us, we’re the Mafia” – that person has to be certifiably insane.
Fozzetti said,
June 21, 2007 at 4:54
So- suppose the Clinton’s ad was a take-off on Battlestar Galactica?
Pinko Punko said,
June 21, 2007 at 5:35
GOLDEN ONION WIENER IN THE HIZZOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!
The Constructivist said,
June 21, 2007 at 6:49
Apropos of nothing, I’m sure you’ll want to mock Althouse when she takes up the Mostly Harmless challenge to take your blog to the course during U.S. Women’s Open week, as I’m certain she will. For no good reason.
Herr Doktor Bimler said,
June 21, 2007 at 7:30
Onion rings + organised crime? I was involved in an onion ring for a while, though eventually we reformed and took up honest jobs — once we realised that we had over-estimated the money to made by smuggling leeks and shallots across international borders.
Lesley said,
June 21, 2007 at 7:41
Is it any surprise that a person who drunkenly vblogs herself watching shitty teevee, writes gossipy column-like crap such as:
Why do these confounded idiots assume they speak for everybody. It’s always the proverbial “we” with them.
Like millions of other married couples, the Clintons have a relationship with some – OMG!!!!!!!! – complexity. So they’re married and he had an affair or several and she stayed with him – you’d think the way the Althouses of the world carry on that no other couple on the face of the earth experienced such things.
Bill and Hill should move to Canada where nobody cares.
wordyeti said,
June 21, 2007 at 9:38
Why has nobody here yet commented in the lustful gaze at the phallic tower of onion rings? Is it that it’s too low-hanging a fruit to even bother with. ‘Cause, if that’s the case, well then, you’ve all sadly disappointed me … if there is a raison d’etre for this here site, it would be for the encouragement of all forms of low-hanging drive by snarking.
Unless, of course, the whole onion ring tower is some kind of photoshop akin to the Sammich. In which case: Not funny, and change the subject.
Some Guy said,
June 21, 2007 at 9:58
Fozzetti said,
So- suppose the Clinton’s ad was a take-off on Battlestar Galactica?
…I would squeal like a schoolgirl?
Phoenician in a time of Romans said,
June 21, 2007 at 11:45
I’m no Clinton fan, but I can’t advocate him taking one for the team and sleeping with Althouse. Being in that proximity to her would lead to murder, and imagine the noise from the right if Bill killed someone for real. It’s just not worth it.
Have him do it in Texas, and read her columns to the jury. “She needed killin’ yer honor!”
Besides, it’ll be a far more suitable punishment for Bill than impeachment. Live by the penis, suffer by the penis.
MJP said,
June 21, 2007 at 15:31
Well, the thing about organized crime is, it’s organized.
(Huh-heh… organ…)
Dr. Squid said,
June 21, 2007 at 19:48
Why has nobody here yet commented in the lustful gaze at the phallic tower of onion rings?
Ya mean…
Pinko Punko said,
June 21, 2007 at 5:35
GOLDEN ONION WIENER IN THE HIZZOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!
I imagine that the Golden Onion Wiener must be very confusing for Althouse, especially if the Clenis is in the same picture.
les said,
June 21, 2007 at 23:56
Ya know, if you’d just add underpants on Althouse’s head in that photo, you’d have Blackadder’s attempt to get out of the WWI trench warfare. And then we’d be sure she was just kidding.