Jun
8

Bush Doctor: Fuck Two and Call Me in the Morning




Posted at 8:17 by D. Aristophanes

Dr. James W. Holsinger, the man nominated by the Preznit for Surgeon General, doesn’t much like teh gay. Doesn’t like it much at all.

But that isn’t to say he isn’t a sexy kind of guy. In “Pathophysiology of Male Homosexuality,” a white paper Doc Holsinger penned in 1991, he writes:

The logical complementarity of the human sexes has been so recognized in our culture that it has entered our vocabulary in the form of naming various pipe fittings either the male pipe fitting or the female pipe fitting depending upon which one interlocks within the other. When the complementarity of the sexes is breached, injuries and disease may occur as noted above. Therefore, based on the simplest known anatomy and physiology, when dealing with the complementarity of the human sexes, one can simply say, Res ipsa loquitur – the thing speaks for itself!

Which … did he just say what I think he said? “When the complementarity of the sexes is breached, injuries and disease may occur …” ?!?

So if my dick’s not in a pussy … what? I’ll break my collarbone and get leprosy or something?

That’s my kinda sawbones! Ladies, help a feller avoid injuries and disease, willya? I got the tubing, you got the flange … what say we form a union to provide a simple nut transition, allowing easy release at any time?

41 Comments »

  1. bargal20 said,

    June 8, 2007 at 8:27

    So does that mean no blowjobs or anal for heterosexuals? Why aren’t the fundies campaigning against hetro butt- sex and cocksucking?

  2. Some Guy said,

    June 8, 2007 at 8:39

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdPLZWatcbA

    I’m feeling very smug right now.

  3. tb said,

    June 8, 2007 at 8:50

    Christ, that’s strange.

  4. cucaracha said,

    June 8, 2007 at 9:00

    I lift my beer to you D.A. Great finish to a very Weird week. I Fucking love Sadly.

  5. frank said,

    June 8, 2007 at 9:06

    yer makin mah gizzard git even more engorged

  6. Xel said,

    June 8, 2007 at 9:45

    Thing speaks for itself?! EEEEEW!

    No, seriously, someone should inform the obviousitilisticalismic of the fact that anuhl is bad to the thousand of animal species who practice it…

    Sex is good – anuhl is good – non-hetero is good – all in equal measure.

    Do we really have to try to educate so many adults on these facts? Can’t we just send them to Iraq and see if they can adapt and prevail like Steyn thought they would post-Katrina if it weren’t for the mollification of welfare?

  7. holy poly said,

    June 8, 2007 at 10:04

    If God hadn’t meant for men to have anal sex, why’d he put an erogenous zone there?

  8. Marq said,

    June 8, 2007 at 12:22

    I hate to tell our “prospective” Surgeon General this (Barak! Hillary! Chris! Stop this wingnut in committee!), but men’s penises fit up my butt just fine, thank yew! And, down my throat. Etc., etc. Ain’t one o’ them broke off yet! As far as disease goes, last I heard, breeders are mighty susceptible to them too. Dickwipe.

  9. Marq said,

    June 8, 2007 at 12:29

    And… where the fuck does Shrub dig up these creeps?

  10. Xel said,

    June 8, 2007 at 13:14

    Why use the word ‘breeder’ just out of the blue?

  11. Edmund Schluessel said,

    June 8, 2007 at 13:26

    One thing about a lot of right-wingers is that they’re incapable of talking frankly about sex or bodily functions. Remember how Newt Gingrich said that women get “infections” when he meant “menstrual periods”, hence rendering them unfit to serve in combat? (I think this was part of the “giraffes” quote.)

    So when this guy says “injuries”, he probably means something entirely different. Possibly he’s just misinterpreting how genitals get tumescent for anything other than man-on-top get-it-over-with-quick marital coitus.

  12. M. Bouffant said,

    June 8, 2007 at 13:36

    This fine organization: http://americansfortruth.com/index.php has more to say on the issue, and many other issues, as long as the issue is “homosodomy & leather.”
    Just to whore it up, I snarked on the ABC story’s commenters @ my own mess, ’cause I’m on hippie welfare (don’t even bother, Kevin) & got more time on my hands than I know what to do with.

  13. M. Bouffant said,

    June 8, 2007 at 13:40

    Direct link to my bloviation: http://mbouffant.blogspot.com/2007_06_01_archive.html#8458751726536416589

  14. R. Porrofatto said,

    June 8, 2007 at 13:41

    I’ve been trying for years to get my thing to speak for itself, or at least gesture intelligently, but so far no luck. On the other hand, I’ve become quite adept at lip reading.

  15. Doodle Bean said,

    June 8, 2007 at 14:56

    Hmmmmmm, D. Let me think about it….

    O.K.

    Well, as long as you’re not a closet case!

  16. kingubu said,

    June 8, 2007 at 15:56

    If God hadn’t meant for men to have anal sex, why’d he put an erogenous zone there?

    God put the tingly parts in your catflap for the same reason He created the Earth with all those fake dinosaur bones everywhere: to test your faith. Who are you gonna believe, His Word or your own brown, winking, lying eye?

  17. kc said,

    June 8, 2007 at 16:02

    When the complementarity of the sexes is breached, injuries and disease may occur as noted above.

    Like, you might sprain your tongue!

  18. fred said,

    June 8, 2007 at 16:03

    Did Regent University have a medical school as well as a law school?

  19. g said,

    June 8, 2007 at 16:18

    Since the world of plumbing calls a threaded pipes of pipe a “nipple” I kind of wonder about his pipe fitting theory. Wouldn’t a nipple be a male pipe fitting?

    And don’t even get me started on elbows.

  20. Dorothy said,

    June 8, 2007 at 16:20

    If God hadn’t meant for men to have anal sex, why’d he put an erogenous zone there?

    It’s not on the schematics: that’s just some emissions bleedover because manufacturing used lower quality components.

  21. g said,

    June 8, 2007 at 16:22

    It’s not on the schematics: that’s just some emissions bleedover because manufacturing used lower quality components.

    And of course now, plumbing is all PVC with glue instead of being threaded…… Lower quality components indeed.

  22. Jillian said,

    June 8, 2007 at 16:30

    I say we take up a collection to buy Dr. Holsinger one of these (NOT a work-safe link, unless your boss is okay with videos of latex-enhanced women helping their boyfriends explore the final frontier – so to speak).

    I honestly don’t think I could tell you how many guys I’ve dated that were in love with being pegged. They weren’t gay, they weren’t bi – they only enjoyed doing sexual things with women – but they were open to exploration of all their erogenous zones.

    And as far as it being important to only date people who complement you….I agree. If you date someone of the same gender, you will complement each other in soooooo many ways. You can share wardrobes, shoes, accessories, hygiene products……the list goes on and on.

  23. HemlockEcho said,

    June 8, 2007 at 16:34

    We should come out with a line of pipe fittings with pieces called things like the Pitcher, Topper, and the Anus. We can call the bonding putty Santorum, the cap can be called the Trojan, and the coupling, well, we can keep it as the Coupling. As soon as these things hit the market, then Bam! – res ipsa loquitur – homosexuality takes over.

  24. g said,

    June 8, 2007 at 16:40

    I think I’ll go remodel my bathroom now.

  25. J— said,

    June 8, 2007 at 16:41

    When the complementarity of the sexes is breached, injuries and disease may occur[.]

    As witnessed by the Bobbitt couple. He breached the complementarity of marriage by abusing her. She removed his member.

  26. El Cid said,

    June 8, 2007 at 17:05

    I know reality, I know the answers to my own questions, and I know this is a useless expenditure of energy. But, I’ll ask it rhetorically anyway just to make me feel better.

    Why can’t they just nominate a normal doctor? Why can’t they just put up one regular, ordinary doctor with maybe a few awards etc. to be surgeon general?

    Why does every single medical nominee have to be some nutcase?

    Thank you. Sorry for the irrelevant distraction from appropriate sarcasm.

  27. Anne Laurie said,

    June 8, 2007 at 17:07

    Never trust a doctor who takes medical advice from professions best known for pocket protectors and/or flashing their buttcracks in public.

  28. DocAmazing said,

    June 8, 2007 at 17:31

    El Cid–

    Father Guido Sarducci’s sister was once Surgeon General, and she was pretty normal. None of them since then have been, though.

    I think that all Surgeons General should be requred to grow or simulate a C. Everett Koop Amish Dude beard, just to maintain the dignity of the office.

  29. El Cid said,

    June 8, 2007 at 17:40

    DocAmazing: I should have been more specific. I meant these Bush Jr. guys. Why do they just nominate nuts? And not just for Surgeon General. The guy who anally raped his wife while she was sleeping for FDA adviser. The guy who thought that sex outside marriage depleted some magic body chemical. We’re not just talking conservative ideologues, we’re talking nut cases.

  30. Anne Laurie said,

    June 8, 2007 at 18:05

    Why does every single medical nominee have to be some nutcase?

    You go to War Against Science with the doctors you have, not with the doctors you wish you had.

    After all, it’s not just the medical nominees. Look at Senator “Cat Butcher” Frist…

  31. AkaDad said,

    June 8, 2007 at 19:15

    When the complementarity of the sexes is breached, injuries and disease may occur

    Lockjaw and rug-burns?

  32. Smiling Mortician said,

    June 8, 2007 at 19:21

    Look at Senator “Cat Butcher� Frist…

    I read that as Butt Catcher Frist, which also works.

  33. mikey said,

    June 8, 2007 at 19:25

    I am reminded of a woman I dated for a couple months in Albuquerque. She would occasionally point out that if you suffered an injury while having sex, it was very likely that you were doing it wrong. I’m pretty sure that Dr. Holsinger has been doing it wrong for his entire life…

    mikey

  34. tigrismus said,

    June 8, 2007 at 19:59

    I bet the certification exam for Bonobo plumbers is a lot tougher.

  35. RubDMC said,

    June 8, 2007 at 20:18

    I think Hippocrates said it best, “Physician, fuck thyself.”

    Or maybe it was Shakespeare?

  36. Fozzetti said,

    June 8, 2007 at 20:48

    And everyone knows Hetero Sex never causes any problems, like disease… or pregnancy…or such!

  37. Brando said,

    June 9, 2007 at 0:27

    I think he is warning against the well-known threat, Death by Unga-Bunga.

  38. ignobility said,

    June 10, 2007 at 4:21

    R Porrofatto, you rock! Lip reading, indeed!

  39. Marq said,

    June 10, 2007 at 10:01

    Why use the word ‘breeder’ just out of the blue?

    Ah, but I say it with lurve in me heart. Tone is so important! And, showtunes upon my lips. Or somethin’.
    Chill, newbie. No one’s trying to start a flamewar between those-who-choose-to-reproduce and those-who-don’t.

    [damn! shouldn't have used "newbie!" why did I do that? why, why‽‽ and, why did I use that thrice-damned interrobang‽ damn!]

  40. witkacy said,

    June 11, 2007 at 22:39

    You know those antique lil’ printed as “JAMA 100 Years Ago” in each issue of that journal? That’s Holsinger’s ““Pathophysiology of Male yadda yadda…”: a quaint observational discourse hanging on the “science” of the day (“Ginger beer eases the symptoms of gout, Dr. Holsinger? Well, I’ll say!”)–and laughable as shit.

    What offended me the most was the rationale offered up by a spokesperson at the DHHS (let her remain anonymous) that Holsinger was in this report marshalling the science of the day, those antediluvean 1990′s when we had little more to go by in medicine than what Galen hisownself had left us…What a fuckwad! Yes, I think the wingnuts have now taken the “if I knew then…” rationale (cf Colin Powell yesterday on Meet the Press) to be an all-purpose weasly pass from personal agency & responsibility. ‘Twas dread forces of Ignorance which kept Holsinger from understanding the purpose of the plumbing, way way back in 1991!

  41. Major Woody said,

    June 12, 2007 at 17:31

    See Marq?

    First you start off “breaching the complementarity of the sexes”, and next thing you know, you’re using interrobangs! Let this be a warning to us all!

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