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Survey time!
Question: which of the following trans-post-human features do you find most appealing?
Me, I like the idea of extra organs. I’ve always dreamed of having an extra pancreas or liver stashed away in my chest.
UPDATE: This will be the greatest conference in the history of the world:
[T]he theme of TransVision 2007 is: Transhumanity Saving Humanity: Inner Space to Outer Space, and will feature three full days of compelling dialogue with the greatest minds of today about creating the civilizations of tomorrow. TV07 brings extraordinary people from across the globe together with more than 30 distinguished speakers, entertainers and visionaries including: award-winning inventor, futurist, author Raymond Kurzweil; acclaimed longevity scientist, Aubrey de Grey; and Emmy award winning actor, William Shatner.
Beam me the frack up, Scotty!
RubDMC said,
June 1, 2007 at 0:04
Where are the tits?
a different brad said,
June 1, 2007 at 0:04
Where’s the gaydar?
The frikkin laser-beams?
The personal soundtrack generator?
The shiny metal ass for others to bite?
The future is a gyp.
The Hon. Dr. St. Rev. Bradley S. Rocket, Esq, PhD, MD said,
June 1, 2007 at 0:05
I agree. Without the laser beams attached to the head, being a posthuman feels sorta empty.
TomMil said,
June 1, 2007 at 0:14
Do ya think Jesus’ magic tricks would stay with the body? Cause I’m thinking I would get the DNA out of the Shroud of Turin and put my brain in it. It would really suck if it turned out to be a hoax tho’.
His Grace said,
June 1, 2007 at 0:22
Every time I see those words, a little part of me dies.
mikey said,
June 1, 2007 at 0:25
What, all that and STILL no fucking jet-pack?
That’s it, I quit…
mikey
tb said,
June 1, 2007 at 0:30
How about a Josh Trevino nanotech wiener? It’s invisible to the naked eye.
Galactic Dustbin said,
June 1, 2007 at 0:30
And with this awsome super body, Glenn would still be a wanker.
A wanker OF THE FUUUUTURE!!!
But a wanker never the less.
splinterbrain said,
June 1, 2007 at 0:40
So at a conference on transhuman futures they have Shatner but not Doctorow?
fish said,
June 1, 2007 at 0:41
Where is the prehenstile penis?
tb said,
June 1, 2007 at 0:44
Sure, a gleaming turbo-charged vacu-wank appendage. Sell them with Glenn’s picture on them so you know they’re good. Make you come like crazy.
OK, I have just violated several personally-imposed boundaries. I must leave the computer now…
Righteous Bubba said,
June 1, 2007 at 0:47
Question: which of the following trans-post-human features do you find most appealing?
Orangeness.
Smiling Mortician said,
June 1, 2007 at 0:52
You wanna keep your eye on that Transposthuman guy — he’s got his foot in your tip jar while he’s externally stimulating atmospheric tensions. Just sayin’.
tigrismus said,
June 1, 2007 at 0:57
Oh yeah, baby, externally stimulating atmospheric tensions. Let’s get torr up!
RubDMC said,
June 1, 2007 at 0:59
[T]he theme of TransVision 2007 is: Transhumanity Saving Humanity: Inner Space to Outer Space, and will feature three full days of compelling dialogue with the greatest minds of today about creating the civilizations of tomorrow. TV07 brings extraordinary people from across the globe together with more than 30 distinguished speakers, entertainers and visionaries including: award-winning inventor, futurist, author Raymond Kurzweil; acclaimed longevity scientist, Aubrey de Grey; and Emmy award winning actor, William Shatner.
It just occurred to me that if you substitute Bi-Monthly Science Fiction Convention (BiMonSciFiCon) for TV07, you’ve got a Simpson’s episode.
Herr Doktor Bimler said,
June 1, 2007 at 1:11
I’m for the parabolic hearing. As it is, I can pick up the hyperbole easily enough, but those annoying little parabolas are completely outside my range.
And the nekkidness.
Mehitabel the Abyssinian said,
June 1, 2007 at 1:13
A Mehitabrain.
superdude said,
June 1, 2007 at 1:14
I’m drunk right now and thinking an extra liver could come in handy.
Herr Doktor Bimler said,
June 1, 2007 at 1:21
Cardio flow and function monitor
Reminds me of one of Will Burroughs’ remarks. I can’t remember the exact words, but it was along these lines: “Americans are so obsessed with control, they won’t be happy until they dive down into their own lower intestines and shovel the shit by hand.”
Jon H said,
June 1, 2007 at 1:32
Here’s what I want.
Hair that doesn’t grow unless you want it to.
Toenails and fingernails that never need clipping.
An internal interdimensional portal to shunt waste out of my body into a very smelly universe where the inhabitants would be really mad if they could get to us.
Basically, anything to get rid of pointlessly repetitive sisyphean tasks.
Snorghagen said,
June 1, 2007 at 1:34
What about the important stuff?
The bright green shapeshifting phallus with internal strobe light.
The bio-symphonic Le Petomane Brand musical sphincter.
The lip-finger for no-hands nose-picking.
The inflatable warts.
Kathleen said,
June 1, 2007 at 1:35
hmmm, for some reason, Future Human looks more like Future Man. Is there a separate Future Woman, or will we all be bald men with no breasts and Smart Skin in the future?
J— said,
June 1, 2007 at 1:38
One of the speakers at TransVision 2007 is Natasha Vita-More. Her site has a diagram of the Primo Posthuman 2005. In addition to the image Brad reproduces above, the diagram includes the following explanatory notes:
Would that be Bobby Valentine?
kingubu said,
June 1, 2007 at 1:52
Funny how the wetwire/biomod talk always circles around to Burroughs sooner or later. Way-out sexual hybrids. Mugwumps. talking assholes, etc. and it always gravitates back to a single quote:
“Old fool sold his soul for a strap-on.”
Lesley said,
June 1, 2007 at 2:19
Aubrey de Grey may just be the reincarnation of the Tiptoe through the Tulips guy.
J— said,
June 1, 2007 at 2:22
Or Rasputin.
Galactic Dustbin said,
June 1, 2007 at 2:37
Shatner at a Transhumanity Con.
Why do I keep hearing;
“KHAAAANNNNNN!!!!” ?
Lesley said,
June 1, 2007 at 2:40
Having the ability to experience all of the enjoyable sensations of the human body without the burden of the body.
a different brad said,
June 1, 2007 at 2:45
Don’t rip on Shatner. He’s the man. He’s spent the second half of his career mocking himself for being such a cheeseball. You gotta respect that.
Also, that SNL sketch telling Trekkies to get a life is just….. awesome.
mikey said,
June 1, 2007 at 3:00
Teh Awesome!!
mikey
Matt of the Open Range said,
June 1, 2007 at 3:25
Does that mean that after all these years, Glenn just wants to be Denny Crane?
AkaDad said,
June 1, 2007 at 3:26
John Bobbitt could have used an extra organ…
kingubu said,
June 1, 2007 at 3:33
Organ donors
mikey said,
June 1, 2007 at 3:45
Transhuman, eh? May this old man indulge in just a bit of, oh, how do you kids say it, meh.
Fuck. It’s 2007. I’m living in a world that has already lost thompson and zevon. In a way, I’ve already gone past my expiration date. Real acid, real rockinroll and real news are all gone. I have better guns, but shittier targets. I live in a place that can effectively marginalize weirdness. My power wanes. The future belongs to, what? Who are the rebels and outlaws? With what will you challenge the status quo? Think about it. It was more fun thirty years ago. Nope. Thats not an old man indulging in nostalgic madness. It really was. Can you make it fun again? Can you make life something more than a tragic downward spiral of financial desparation and safe, uniform behavior?
Appropos of nothing, here’s Roland.
C’mon you guys, step up and fill these shoes…
mikey
Qetesh the Abyssinian said,
June 1, 2007 at 3:47
I want the Error Correction Device, so that when I do something appallingly stupid (such as throwing my frock over my head and dancing on the table after a few drinks) I can rewire the universe so it never happened.
What? It won’t even do that one, simple, thing?
I feel cheated.
Qetesh the Abyssinian said,
June 1, 2007 at 3:53
I’m with Jon H.: I want to be able to command my hair and leave it at that. I’m tired of waxing the legs and suchlike.
And it would be rather nice to be able to spontaneously grow a lovely coat of fur for the winter. Might devastate the fashion industry, too, so there’s absolutely no downside.
Bubba, your “Orangeness” caused me to laugh immoderately. I’d go for purpleness, myself, possibly with metallic highlights in places. And the ability to glow in the dark, in case I ever find myself lost in subterranean tunnels and need to find the “Exit” sign.
Plus, I’m intrigued about the Texture Change Skin. I want to be able to change my skin to the texture of sandpaper (rough grade) when I need to get through a crowd fast. And so I could feel slug-like when some bogan makes a move on me: I’m sure fondling what feels like a gastropod might dampen his ardour.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
June 1, 2007 at 3:55
I like Warren Zevon plenty, mikey. Thanks for teh linkey!
Herr Doktor Bimler said,
June 1, 2007 at 4:05
I’m intrigued about the Texture Change Skin
I’ve got that already. I made it go all wrinkly. Still looking for the code that changes it back.
Mark S. said,
June 1, 2007 at 4:17
I am sort of intrigued by the biosensors that externally stimulate atmospheric tensions. What the hell does that mean?
Righteous Bubba said,
June 1, 2007 at 4:20
Fuck. It’s 2007. I’m living in a world that has already lost thompson and zevon.
Who the fuck is Thompson? You had me worried about the Richard version of that particular production line.
It was more fun thirty years ago. Nope. Thats not an old man indulging in nostalgic madness. It really was.
Fucker. I believe you.
mikey said,
June 1, 2007 at 4:27
Err, Hunter…
mikey
Righteous Bubba said,
June 1, 2007 at 4:38
Err, Hunter…
Oh yeah. That guy.
I saw him on a college tour in the midwest and someone sat front row centre in a Nixon mask. Freaked him out a bit.
Lawnguylander said,
June 1, 2007 at 5:03
These transhumanists are thinking small. Primohuman should have musical instrumentation and storage capacity built into it. You can create music on an interface on your forearm for example that only you can hear so you can compose on an airplane or wherever the fuck. Then you plug into an audio system and share it with people when you’re done. I also want hands like Swiss Army knives and x-ray vision.
And R.I.P. the real acid but the real rock is still here. In escalating order of weirdness:
Wilco
Drive-by-Truckers
Sonic Youth and check out Mark Ibold on bass Pavement fans.
TV on teh Radio
J— said,
June 1, 2007 at 5:22
More on Smart Skin:
Almost invisible? I want total invisibility and I want it now!
Disgruntled Goat said,
June 1, 2007 at 5:34
The Thompson Twins are dead? Well, fuck…
Thers said,
June 1, 2007 at 6:04
I am sort of intrigued by the biosensors that externally stimulate atmospheric tensions. What the hell does that mean?
It means you have an orgasm whenever you sneeze.
a different brad said,
June 1, 2007 at 6:09
It would be nice to have George Carlin around forever, come to think of it. Ain’t many like him left, especially with Bill Hicks dyin so young.
I dunno what to say, mikey. You’re right, I suppose. The only people I know really, truly loving life every day are either superhuman or shallow. Since I was only sort of here 30 years ago I can’t speak to the differences without the filter of pop culture bastardization, but, well, assuming the nominee isn’t Hillary, Bush will be replaced with a Dem who’ll end the war. That’s only a fraction of the work to do, so it won’t be a summer of love in 09, but I think you’ll see a major change in climate soon after.
And read this, it’ll cheer you up.
a different brad said,
June 1, 2007 at 6:12
Rock ain’t dead, it’s become obscure. Look for what people like Mike Patton n Bill Laswell n John Zorn n their various collaborators do.
Check out Praxis, mikey, it’s just grown up.
a different brad said,
June 1, 2007 at 6:13
oops. Nevermind that last phrase. Should have been deleted.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
June 1, 2007 at 6:41
P.S. Mikey, here is a Tina Turner link I just ran across.
I favorited it.
Ginger Yellow said,
June 1, 2007 at 7:03
I’m assuming the error correction device was added specifically for Instahack.
“Internal wholebody navigational grid”
“biosensors externally stimulate atmospheric tensions”
Is it me or are these utter gibberish?
“Network sonar sensors map data onto visual field”
For the love of God, why? It would confuse the fuck out of you, and anyway our visual field is like 120 degrees and sonar should be 360. Just jack it straight into the part of the brain that deals with spatial manipulation.
Herr Doktor Bimler said,
June 1, 2007 at 7:10
Is it me or are these utter gibberish?
If these are any guide, then the instruction manual for your new posthuman body will be an amusing but unreliable translation from Japanese.
A Spic Taking Your Job said,
June 1, 2007 at 7:14
Who are the rebels and outlaws?
If you have to ask, then we are doing our job.
Mark S. said,
June 1, 2007 at 7:16
It means you have an orgasm whenever you sneeze.
That’s a lot of extra tissue to have to carry around!
Anne Laurie said,
June 1, 2007 at 7:25
Tsk, you silly sci-fi geeks. Obviously, Mr. Shatner is appearing in his role as Denny Crane, legal superstar, who is desperate to replace his “mad cow”-damaged brain before he *completely* loses it…
(/snark) Seriously, I was making fun of James Tiberius Kirk before most of you guys were born, but Shatner actually does a wonderful wink’n'nod parody of himself in BOSTON LEGAL. Also, Candice Bergen is still sexy & smart, James Spader is the snarky liberal who gets to attack rich bloviators almost every week, and there is a gifted & entertaining supporting cast. True, there is the mandatory ex-FBI wooden dummy striding through the credits like Tacticus’ wet dream, and the writers can get excessively self-referential, but there are worse ways to spend a Tuesday evening if you’re too old to go to work with a hangover on Wednesday…
Where are the tits?
Excellent question. We need to include the SmartSub Gel Layer, which will continually shift those fat cells so that its proud owner has giant ever-perky breasts, pert yet shapely buttocks, and wrinkle-free brows & lips.*
And Hugh Hewitt can take his C-cups and shift them to his skull, so that his hat size will approximate his ego size. (I mean, the exterior of his skull. The fatty matter inside his brain pan is probably unshiftable even in the NanoFuture.
*labial lips, in Jonah Goldberg’s world. Or Teh Aces’.
Anne Laurie said,
June 1, 2007 at 8:03
Mikey, just for you:
Last fall we adopted a rescue dog who came with a regrettable name. He is good-looking, healthy, smart & adaptable, an excellent networker, neither aggressive nor over-friendly with other companion animals, great fun at parties. A mere 17 pounds, which is still twice the size a dog of his breed “should” be. The people who fostered him couldn’t understand why such a “perfect” dog was given up for adoption in the first place…
Shortly before the new dog came to live with us, my husband decided to have our brick front steps replaced. Unfortunately, once the steps were torn down, it turned out the base under them needed to be re-dug and re-cemented — and that couldn’t happen until spring, because it was too close to winter for the concrete to set properly. So, the front door now opens to a three-foot drop onto construction rubble.
Six days after New Dog joins our household, on a cold dark drizzly November Sunday evening, I make the mistake of opening the front door — and New Dog, who was sound asleep on the far side of the house seconds earlier, makes a noise I can only transcribe as “Kaaawabungaaa!!!”
Shoots past me through the pitch-black portal, bounces off the rubble without breaking stride, zips through the front gate, across the busy (truck traffic intensive) street, and into the darkness at full speed, head high & tail flying…
The next twelve hours were among the worst of my misspent life. Cruised the neighborhood on foot, in the rain, calling his name, for almost an hour. Repeated the spiral every hour or so, hoping none of the neighbors would call 911 to report a prowling lunatic, sometimes dragging along fat middle-aged Dog #1 in the hope that New Dog would come to her if he wouldn’t come to me. (FMAD#1 vocally objecting since she would have been just as happy never to see New Dog again, even as a pancake on the asphalt, even if she got to roll in the pancake.) Finally reached the town Animal Control official by phone in the morning: New Dog had been picked up by a sympathetic young couple perhaps 10 minutes after he got out, shared a nice dinner (his second) with *their* three dogs, and slept soundly in a nice warm cozy bed…
So now his name is Zevon, ‘cuz he’s just an Excitable Boy.
Steve T. said,
June 1, 2007 at 8:49
I started the first of Shatner’s TEK books. It started with a scenario where the worst convicts were sent up to an orbiting station and put into suspended animation to serve out their sentences. When their time was up, they were thawed and released.
That did it for me. What prisoner would consider such a scheme and not want to sign up? Where’s the punishment? Enduring the day to day tedium is the essence of prison. This is one of the few books I’ve read which met Dorothy Parker’s description of a book which should not be tossed aside lightly, but thrown with great force.
Happenstance said,
June 1, 2007 at 10:06
Fun thought about “Star Trek!!”
There are three possibilities* in the Star Trek universe:
Given how the process has been described, either (1) Transporter technology somehow transmits the human soul; (2) There is no afterlife; or (3) There are hundreds of James T. Kirks in the afterlife, a new one “born” with the previous one’s memories at the time of each teleportation. Naturally applies to everyone else as well, meaning there are hundreds of them as well.
Hundreds of Chekovs. Uk. I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.
*Of course, there is a fourth possibility; that the soul automatically transfers itself across space to the appropriate receptacle. That’s a little too Intelligent Design for my tastes, though.
Nenya said,
June 1, 2007 at 10:08
mikey, I know this doesn’t solve anything, but you might also enjoy this.
Moxie said,
June 1, 2007 at 12:31
I’m still waiting for that flying car they promised us back in the 1950s. So I’m not going to hold my breath waiting for the orgasmatron or whatever else these people are hyping. Actually, my prediction for the 2050s would be that people still won’t have the metabrain, but they’ll be able to read all about it in Popular Mechanics. Oh, and Ray Kurzweil will be doornail dead. Gone to that great Singularity in the sky.
Sadly, No! » The less-famous Noonan speaks said,
June 1, 2007 at 14:05
[...] why didn’t He design me with SmartSkin, hmmmmmm? Why didn’t he give me a kick-ass fiberoptic spinal chord? More importantly, there [...]
billy pilgrim said,
June 1, 2007 at 16:21
I’m with you mikey. While i love my Mac, my iPod, all the new tech gadgetry….
But there WAS more fun in the 70s and 80s. More drugs, more screwing, goofy ass clothing (and if an old guy can’t wear goofy clothing, where are we going?)…
Here’s one solution to the soul thing in Star Trek: Souls have an affinity for the physical being to which their attached. When that physical being is discorporated, the soul becomes untethered; once the physical being is re-incorporated via transporter, the soul re-attaches itself. Since the soul is itself, non material, Einsteinian limits like the speed of light don’t apply.
Or, there is no soul and it doesn’t matter.
Dan Someone said,
June 1, 2007 at 17:43
Mikey, Roland was the theme song for my buddy’s car back in the mid-80’s. We used to road-trip in that car with the music up to 11. There is nothing like bombing along New England back roads yelling “That sonofabitch Van Owen blew off Roland’s head” at the top of your lungs. I still put that track in mixes.
Back on-topic, what the fuck is “Turbocharged suspension flexibility”? Isn’t that a standard feature in all new Subarus?
yank in london said,
June 1, 2007 at 18:03
Can they do extra of ALL organs, if you know what I mean. You never know when an extra willy might come in handy; especially if the first one gets knackered.
ironicname said,
June 1, 2007 at 18:23
Les Hommes 2.0 is missing some stuf IMO.
Skin capable of photosynthesis and a GI tract that can digest anything.
You give society the finger and lay on the beach naked eating the occasional handfull of dirt and drinking water now and then to keep yourself going. Do anything you want free from any encumbrance you do not actively choose to accept.
Oh - switchable tastebuds of course.
Duros62 said,
June 1, 2007 at 18:53
ActiveSkin makes clothing unnecessary and allows you to display written or pictorial messages to convey mood.
Oh, just fucking great. Noobs who can rent out their skin to advertisers.
Although, if ladies could adjust boob-size at will, well….
And of course, Johnsons too, then sign me up.
Sounds like somebody’s been watching too much Ghost in the Shell.
andrew levine said,
June 1, 2007 at 20:31
“Smart Skin” sounds terrible. I don’t like the idea of my skin being smarter than myself.
Grambo said,
June 1, 2007 at 21:47
Just pleased don’t tell me where they intend to put the batteries.
windy said,
June 2, 2007 at 0:57
“which of the following trans-post-human features do you find most appealing?”
The huge orange booty.
CaseyL said,
June 2, 2007 at 3:17
I’m fond of John Varley’s future, where you can customize your body any way you want, switch sexes as often as you like and - once you get bored with all that - join up with a Symb and live free in outer space.
Mr. Todd said,
June 3, 2007 at 19:40
uhhh, apparently all our enhanced future-selves will lay around in sports illustrated swimsuit poses too.
Karl Rove II said,
June 4, 2007 at 19:12
“Question: which of the following trans-post-human features do you find most appealing?”
The penis socket with multiple attachments…whee!
Karl Rove II said,
June 4, 2007 at 19:15
yank in london said,
June 1, 2007 at 18:03
The slow worm gets sent to SpEd.
Janice Dickson said,
June 13, 2007 at 22:06
Amazing idea! I find the entire concept most appealing - I want a body that doesn’t age!