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You Must Be An OVEN Mitt, Because I Am HOT 4 U!
What is it with this compulsion right-wingers have to assure us that their preferred presidential candidates are hunky dreamboats? It seems like only yesterday that lady voters were mucking up the Wall Street Journal opinion page, distracting me from Paul Craig Robert’s bitching that taxing rich people is worse than slavery with their nattering about how “George Bush in a pair of jeans is a treat to watch.” (Those were back in the golden days of Bush’s presidency, when the most interesting thing about his carrier landing was that you could see his tackle through the flight suit, not that he was declaring an end to the war that would in fact drag on indefinitely and turn an whole country into an abattoir.)
Now, just when I’m getting the taste of “Hot? SO HOT!!!!! THAT UNIFORM!” out of my mouth, along comes Butt Propulsion Laboratories to remind me that the lay-teez love Mitt.
Above: “And then you take your other index finger, and you stick it…”
Commenter ‘American Pi’, after complimenting the Mitt for his keen grasp of “the medical issue (stem cell),” notes that he is “incredibly good looking,” not like the “esthetically painful” experience of looking at Sam Brownback, and severely underestimates the savagely repressed homosexuality of Hindrocket and his mates by “guessing that most of you on this debate blog are male, and might not be paying attention to this important, uh, nuance.”
Scoffing at the notion that women will vote for a candidate who understands women’s issues rather than one who is a cutie patootie, ‘American Pi’ concludes that “Hillary Rodham is dreaming if she thinks she is getting the ‘female’ vote, unless she means those not particularly interested in men generally.” So, there’s your candidate, man-hating bull-dyke ‘females’! The rest of us will be pulling Mitt’s firm, rigid lever!
Seriously, between this sort of nonsense and the ongoing obsession with calling John Edwards a fruit because of his haircut, one begins to suspect that the chattering classes of the American right are not so much trying to steer the ship of American politics as they are trying to impress all the cool kids who ignored them back in seventh grade…
steve_e said,
May 4, 2007 at 17:20
they are trying to impress all the cool kids who ignored them back in seventh grade…
Ding, ding, ding. We have a wiener.
You know what it looks like when an uber-nerd just tries too hard? Wingnuts are like those kids, but with money and invincible ignorance. They lack the shame and self-doubt they had when they younger.
gis said,
May 4, 2007 at 17:27
It’s nice that the hair stylist for Dynasty still has work. Reliving the glory of the 80s will apparently be about more than just Reagan.
Steve said,
May 4, 2007 at 17:32
If you are going to be pretentious enough to use a word like abattoir, try to spell it correctly.
owlbear1 said,
May 4, 2007 at 17:36
We really should consider adding a ’swim suit’ debate.
Leonard Pierce said,
May 4, 2007 at 17:39
Oh noes, I have made a typographical error! Clearly no one should ever listen to anything I say ever again.
javaphil said,
May 4, 2007 at 17:43
Mitt’s main electability problem is that all these women with crushes on him will not vote for him once K-Lo gets to them. It’s kind of like Highlander: there can be only one Mitt-Stalker.
J— said,
May 4, 2007 at 17:53
Oh noes, I have made a typographical error! Clearly no one should ever listen to anything I say ever again
Get thee to an abbatial facility!
Lesly said,
May 4, 2007 at 18:02
I’m honestly surprised any woman would compliment Dubya. This must be the same mentality that led Republican voters to proudly declare they were voting for the guy they can see themselves having a beer with.
Smotes Durston said,
May 4, 2007 at 18:10
It’s nice that the hair stylist for Dynasty still has work. Reliving the glory of the 80s will apparently be about more than just Reagan.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
ironicname said,
May 4, 2007 at 18:23
Oh yeah. It is the seriousness of the right that I admire. They aren’t distracted by petty and unserious concerns such as the endless war or the erosion of our civil liberties.
Vote your
crotchconscience!merciless said,
May 4, 2007 at 18:24
This whole thing might be traced to that fateful evening on national teevee when George the Elder announced that his vice-president was going to be…Dan Quayle.
I remember it well. The pundits were physically scratching their heads, wondering what the hell was going through Bush’s tiny mind, when it hit them. Quayle is young! He’s good-looking! The wimminz will love him! It’s a clever ploy to get the wimminz’ vote, since they can’t really be trusted to choose a candidate based on, well, anything (you know, you just know they pick football teams for the office pool based on uniform color).
And that’s how it all started. Of course, when Fred Thompson announces, the pundits will be doing pretzels in their chairs explaining to us how the wimminz will just love Fred because he’s so good loo…
wait a minute.
Worst. President Ever. said,
May 4, 2007 at 18:38
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/05/03/AR2007050302170.html
Speaking of GOP manly men, what if Jerry-Jeff Guckert-Gannon hosted a Bible-reading marathon and nobody came?
JK47 said,
May 4, 2007 at 18:53
Going to a “Bible-reading marathon” ranks right up there with “dipping my nut sack into a pirahna tank” and “performing cunninlingus on Kathryn Jean Lopez” on my to-do list.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
May 4, 2007 at 19:11
Getting all ‘lookist’ on us now, JK47?
Come on, you might as well go all the way: “performing cunninlingus on Kathryn Jean Lopez, while she’s eating a giant submarine sammichâ€? .
Righteous Bubba said,
May 4, 2007 at 19:18
Going to a “Bible-reading marathon� ranks right up there with “dipping my nut sack into a pirahna tank� and “performing cunninlingus on Kathryn Jean Lopez� on my to-do list.
C’mon, there’s some performance art involved when you watch someone go hoarse with “begats”.
AkaDad said,
May 4, 2007 at 19:27
When I see Mitt Romney, I question my sexuality…
Ann Althouseâ„¢ said,
May 4, 2007 at 19:39
I, Ann Althouse, awoke this morning next to an empty fifth of my favorite wine and discovered from an unscrupulous somewhat popular blogger that I, Ann Althouse, had live-blogged last night’s Republican presidential debate.
They’re all guys, you know! Why doesn’t someone ask them about that?
a different brad said,
May 4, 2007 at 20:14
From Ann Althouse’s live-blog;
“So are you pouring a big glass of wine and planning to take a sip whenever anyone says “Reagan” and drain the glass if anyone says “I knew Ronald Reagan, and you’re no blah blah blah”? Nancy Reagan is there, sitting with Arnold Schwarzenegger. The voiceover guys are gushing about how “regal” the setting is. Chris Matthews gives a snazzy introduction, brimming with enthusiasm for Reagan. Reagan Reagan Reagan. Agghh. Where’s my wine glass?”
I promise I didn’t alter a single word.
RobW said,
May 4, 2007 at 20:21
Boy, that’s awfully nice hair for a 60 year old man. So dark, not even a spec of grey. I’m sure he would never do something so effeminate as to use hair coloring, now would he? Oh wait! He’s a serious candidate, so let’s just leave the whole hair thing out of it.
iokyar, once again.
Vic said,
May 4, 2007 at 20:24
ironicname, just think: Romney gets in, that’s two consecutive Republican presidents who don’t drink that we can “have a beer with”!
Doc Washboard said,
May 4, 2007 at 20:27
This works the other way, too. I was watching a blogpost by the shrieking harpy in which she rakes George Clooney over the coals for something he’d said. She goes on to opine something on the order of, “Yeah, some people think he’s good-looking, but he’s not my kind of good-looking.”
In Wingnutland, if you agree with someone, it’s like he comes from Lake Woebegone or something. If you disagree with someone, there’s NOTHING, DAMMIT, THAT CAN POSSIBLY BE RIGHT ABOUT HIM.
Oregon Guy said,
May 4, 2007 at 20:34
Hey, just try walking through the local mall while performing cunnilingus on Kathryn Jean Lopez and see what kinds of reactions you get!
DocAmazing said,
May 4, 2007 at 21:35
When I think about Mitt, I touch myself…
billy pilgrim said,
May 4, 2007 at 22:15
Mitt look slike the kind of guy who will be President when there is a massive effort to grow clones for organ harvest, a la “The Clonus Horror”.
Just the right level of smarm, believable Just Folks looks, and religious self-righteousness.
AkaDad said,
May 5, 2007 at 1:10
When I think about DocAmazing I question Mitt’s sexuality, then I touch myself…
Dorothy said,
May 5, 2007 at 2:00
Scoffing at the notion that women will vote for a candidate who understands women’s issues rather than one who is a cutie patootie,
Am I the only one old enough to remember the “women will vote for the Bush/Quayle ticket because Quayle looks like Robert Redford”?
Yeah, even before I was a raging feminazi, I was offended by the idiocy of that statement.
mikey said,
May 5, 2007 at 3:39
Ah hell, honestly? I’ll take most any excuse to touch myself…
mikey
Doodle Bean said,
May 5, 2007 at 4:05
Just remember that Mitt is his middle name. The grandeur and gravitas of his first name, Willard, will loft him to victory along with the sighs and giggles of every female in the country.
That’s how it worked in Massachusetts, anyway. We didn’t call him “Mittens the Adorable Gubernatorial Kitten” for nothing, you know!
EdsAppliance said,
May 5, 2007 at 5:01
When I see Governor Goodhair, I question my sexuality…
with waterboards, vicious dogs, and electrodes.
g said,
May 5, 2007 at 5:24
Hey, yo, hate to go OT here, but re: the debates –
One of the things I noticed was that several of the Republican candidates expanded on how they would, if elected, change the structure of the IRAQI government, split it up in to several parts, divvy up the oil revenue, etc….. and it struck me that WHAT THE FUCK?????
Home come no one is saying, “Well, excuse me, sir, isn’t Iraq a sovereign nation now that they’ve had those marvelous elections and created their constitution and their legislature is….er…taking a well-deserved recess?? Why are we speculating on rewriting the Constitution of a Sovereign Nation that is our Strong Ally in the Global War on Terror?”
Is it that the Republican candidates (I don’t recall ANY Democratic candidates doing such speculation) are simply Imperialists that believe the US should go displace the governance of Sovereign Nations, or is it that it’s an unspoken given that the Iraqi government is a puppet of the Bush Administration and we can make them do whatever the fuck we want to?
g said,
May 5, 2007 at 5:25
The reason I brought this up is I just hear Tommy Thompson on Maher, and he brought out his talking point about this again.
Mo's Bike Shop said,
May 5, 2007 at 6:20
Considering that they’ve tried a used car salesman, an actor, and finally a cheerleader, a manikin seems a logical progression.
wordyeti said,
May 5, 2007 at 10:46
When I see Governor Goodhair, I question my sexuality…
with waterboards, vicious dogs, and electrodes.
Let’s see, I’ve got Mikey and various others all touching themselves and torture. Shee-it, it’s like a Silverlake “Dungeon Party” with Cheney and Alberto G. all jerkin the gherkin while watching the suppressed videos from Abu Ghraib.
The thought that millions of American wimmins will find a repressed sex-hating Mormon “HAWT” enough to overlook, well, just about everything else about his neo-Medieval mindset is yet another reason to find sweet solace in shots of Stoli…
Marq said,
May 5, 2007 at 14:55
Mitt…
Romney..?!?
[baaaarrrrrff!!1!]
.
.
His college-aged sons are kinda hot, though.
Marq said,
May 5, 2007 at 15:24
I feel so unclean, but it had to be said.
RobW said,
May 5, 2007 at 23:02
Is it that the Republican candidates (I don’t recall ANY Democratic candidates doing such speculation) are simply Imperialists that believe the US should go displace the governance of Sovereign Nations, or is it that it’s an unspoken given that the Iraqi government is a puppet of the Bush Administration and we can make them do whatever the fuck we want to?
These are not mutually exclusive.
Anne Laurie said,
May 6, 2007 at 0:27
Whenever *I* see Mitt Romney, I consider the possibility of never touching myself again. I’m the anti-KJLopez, that way. And believe me, it’s not just the lacquer in his hair and the emptiness in his eyes… his personality is every bit as repulsive as his presentation.
M. Bouffant said,
May 6, 2007 at 6:14
g: The answer is: BOTH!
M. Bouffant said,
May 6, 2007 at 6:30
Marq: You mean the one named “Tagg?” Second “g” so as not to interfere w/ the copyright of that goop that teens who watch too much ESPN spray on themselves.
Wordyeti: ‘Fraid most of the homos & hipsters have been run out of Silverlake by gentrification. Most of the gherkin jerkin’ going on there now concerns property values.
As to Mormons, let’s just remember that Mittens’s grandpappy or great-grandpappy had to flee to Mexico in order to keep his harem. Those LDSers are nothing but sex machines, that’s why they needed harems in the first place. (Oh, and because the only way they can keep their cult expanding is to breed as many as possible & hope the indoctrination sticks to as many as possible.) The sex-haters among them are just the losers who got aced out of having a harem.
SEX-MACHINE MITTENS IN ‘08!!!
cowalker said,
May 6, 2007 at 7:47
A little wake up call for the politicos:
Women will find that a candidate who understands women’s issues IS a cutie patootie! There is the sensitive, supportive and dependable guy we’ve all been looking for!
Nenya said,
May 7, 2007 at 11:07
Also, has no one mentioned yet that John Edwards is himself pretty hot? Or has everyone forgotten his various fangirls from the ‘04 election?
Just sayin’.