Apr
30
30
Shorter Kathryn Jean Lopez
Above: Has extensive collection of letters never sent
- It is both psychologically and civilly healthy for adolescents to develop crushes on political figures.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.
Some Guy said,
April 30, 2007 at 21:49
…that’s wrong on so many levels.
The Liberal Avenger said,
April 30, 2007 at 21:54
“I imagined him dry-humping me in my Catholic school-girl uniform.”
steve_e said,
April 30, 2007 at 21:58
I had to read the column to make sure your summary was correct. I never should have doubted you.
I also want to jump in before people start telling subtle and not-so-subtle jokes about K-Lo’s appearance. I will laugh, but I will also be disappointed in you people.
DocAmazing said,
April 30, 2007 at 22:05
Eeeeww. That’s just icky.
I bet she gets all tingly whenever she hears about somebody’s bnefits being cut or healthcare being cancelled. Good ol’ Yeltsin–making Russia safe for the oligarchy. Heard his liver is running for a seat in the Duma.
tb said,
April 30, 2007 at 22:17
Need I point out that Yeltsin was a drunken, repellant, pig-eyed hunk of shit with a rotten personality and enormous pores?
General Woundwort said,
April 30, 2007 at 22:21
Ever see a movie called “Children of the Revolution”? It is a satire about a young woman who, in the early 1950’s, is a committed communist with a huge crush on Josef Stalin. She writes him passionate love notes, which he reads and cause him to invite her to the Kremlin for a “meeting”. After Stalin dies from a coitus-induced heart attack, she is whisked away back home to Australia, where nine months later she has a bouncing baby boy.
It is a very funny movie, which focuses on how our images of our heroes are often at odds with their reality (the woman forever sees Stalin as an idealistic socialist, and never as the authoritarian monster he truly was).
This post reminded me of that movie - although Judy Davis is far too attractive to play KJL. I think that maybe Judy Garland’s putrid, rotting corpse would be better suited for the task.
There. I just broke the “insult KJL for her appearance” ice.
J— said,
April 30, 2007 at 22:22
Lopez:
Great Man Theory, alive and well at both the AEI and Townhall.
judeanpeo.... said,
April 30, 2007 at 22:31
the general had a nice yeltsin memory.
i can’t fault K-lo too much, i used to have eleanor roosevelts face pasted on my farrah fawcett poster..
judeanpeo.... said,
April 30, 2007 at 22:35
oh, and K-Y-Lo’s so fat she can’t find her own bacon bits, too.
Duros62 said,
April 30, 2007 at 22:36
Need I point out that Yeltsin was a drunken, repellant, pig-eyed hunk of shit with a rotten personality and enormous pores?
You need not, sir.
Duros62 said,
April 30, 2007 at 22:37
The market economy happened in Russia because Yeltsin wished it to happen.�
See? It works, I tells ya!
Everybody clap real hard and we’ll absolutely win in Iraq!
Smiling Mortician said,
April 30, 2007 at 22:39
Oh, just stop, y’all. A coupla cockeyed optimists have the incredible good fortune to find their true soulmates out of all the people on this crazy, spinning sphere, and all we can do is scoff? Shame on us. Shame I say.
iamcoyote said,
April 30, 2007 at 22:50
I didn’t know Rosie had a big sister…
But really, would it hurt to use something other than a hedgetrimmer for those eyebrows? You’re on the tv, for fuck’s sake!
Strange Forces said,
April 30, 2007 at 22:54
General-
Children of the Revolution is an excellent movie. I still tell people of the power of The Pork Sword.
RubDMC said,
April 30, 2007 at 22:56
Y’know that seance K-Lo’s at? I was just there, too!
Seitz said,
April 30, 2007 at 23:01
Ever see a movie called “Children of the Revolution�? It is a satire about a young woman who, in the early 1950’s, is a committed communist with a huge crush on Josef Stalin.
Was anyone able to fool them, or was Marc Bolan right all along?
kingubu said,
April 30, 2007 at 23:10
Oh, fine. Just try walking around the mall dressed as Grimace and see what kind of reaction you get…
Jay C. said,
April 30, 2007 at 23:12
Dood, you’re stepping into Attaturk’s wheelhouse!
K-Lo now has multiple secret admirers? And does this mean everybody gets to write about Marie’ Jon’ now?
mikey said,
April 30, 2007 at 23:16
Now mind you, I’m NOT saying K Lo is butt ugly, but you’ll notice she’s keeping her eyes closed in order to avoid seeing HERSELF on the studio monitors…
mikey
His Grace said,
April 30, 2007 at 23:42
since the g-word was used…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jB4TZ9xdv4I
Mr. Bath Bear said,
May 1, 2007 at 0:00
Can’t we simply say that isn’t a very flattering picture of her?
Unless, of course, it is.
fiver said,
May 1, 2007 at 0:16
Ew. Ew ew ew ew ew. I tried to read that column, but I only made it halfway before I had to go take a shower, with bleach. I may never recover.
t4toby said,
May 1, 2007 at 0:21
The term “Shooting Fish in a Barrell” comes to mind.
BTW- When did it go out of vogue to strap a pair of suspenders to a barrell when you were in dire need of clothing? Seems like an idea whose time is so far gone it’s come up again.
Stylish, and makes rolling down a hill so much more fun.
(See, I didn’t even say the words ‘Photoshop’, or ‘Celery’. Score another point for me…)
R.L.Page said,
May 1, 2007 at 0:37
” … was Marc Bolan right all along ?”
I can only hope that was intended as a rhetorical question.
Herr Doktor Bimler said,
May 1, 2007 at 0:45
Heard his liver is running for a seat in the Duma
Don’t know about running for a seat, but I believe it’s in use as a beanbag.
mikey said,
May 1, 2007 at 0:52
Was anyone able to fool them, or was Marc Bolan right all along?
Not being one to realize that T Rex wasn’t his real name, at first I thought this said MACK Bolan, and I was surprised because to my knowledge Stalin wasn’t part of the Mafia. But then I asked the Great Gazoogle about MARC Bolan and learned the truth. But the real knowledge of value that I gleaned from this process is that he named his son ROLAN BOLAN. Now THAT’S funny…
mikey
Oregon Guy said,
May 1, 2007 at 1:02
You might as well photoshop the sandwich in. I mean, if you’re going to walk through a rightwing Washington “think tank” wearing nothing but a fat suit… erm…
Matt T. said,
May 1, 2007 at 1:03
Need I point out that Yeltsin was a drunken, repellant, pig-eyed hunk of shit with a rotten personality and enormous pores?
You need not, sir.
Man, Matt Taibbi (who isn’t me, though I have been published in teh Stone*) wrote a vicious, HST-worthy obituary of Yeltsin last week in “Rolling Stone”. I mean, just brutal. Dig it.
* Just a longish photo credit on the website now lost to the intertube demons, to be honest, but I’m still sorta proud of it. It was about Sister Hazel, and that I’m not quite as proud of, but what the hell.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
May 1, 2007 at 1:11
Don’t click on teh link!
Now, at the considerable risk of being accused (and found guilty) of a thought crime (lookism), I bet K. Lo. is thinking about a nice big, juicy, submarine sammich.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
May 1, 2007 at 1:12
Oooooooppsiessssss.
sarah said,
May 1, 2007 at 1:44
i’m pretty sure we all agree that high school students with crushes on politicans always ends well.
Righteous Bubba said,
May 1, 2007 at 1:53
I sorta think the rest of the column was gilding this:
For a teenager with a thirst for knowledge, Boris Yeltsin was a living, breathing civics lesson: A flawed man can make a difference.
Meaning “I’m not saying sorry for any of these assholes.”
tigrismus said,
May 1, 2007 at 1:57
Heard his liver is running for a seat in the Duma.
I heard he’d outlived his liver by nearly a decade. Maybe it’s a zombie liver?
Pere Ubu said,
May 1, 2007 at 1:57
I had the displeasure of listening to a bit of K-Lo the other day on NPR’s morning show — they had her on commenting about the Democratic debate the night before. Mercifully I have blanked out any memory of wha I heard.
SamFromUtah said,
May 1, 2007 at 1:58
Matt T: …a vicious, HST-worthy obituary of Yeltsin…
Dear God. I would never have thought it possible to piss on someone’s grave with mere words, but there’s the proof that you can. And soak the earth right down to the lid of the coffin.
I had no idea Yeltsin was such a bastard - or that the former Soviet Union was that corrupt. I knew it was a cesspool, but wow.
Thanks for the link - that was a hell of a read.
Righteous Bubba said,
May 1, 2007 at 2:07
Dear God. I would never have thought it possible to piss on someone’s grave with mere words, but there’s the proof that you can. And soak the earth right down to the lid of the coffin.
You might want to give this bio a shot. I never made it through.
Jillian said,
May 1, 2007 at 2:17
Wow, Yeltsin’s reforms were so wonderful that Russia is now one of a small handful of countries in the world experiencing serious negative population growth! Go Yeltsin!
Most of the other countries in that situation are former Soviet republics, so it’s pretty much the same source there, too.
Y’know, not to be an apologist for Stalin or anything, but as far as I know, even under the purges (not the war, mind - the purges) the damn country didn’t experience negative population growth. In that light, Yeltsin can be said to be even worse for the Russian people than Stalin was. And Putin shows every sign of topping Yeltsin in that respect.
In some parts of Russia, Stalin is a very popular guy nowadays. Seeing what they have to compare him to, it’s not hard to see why.
Lesley said,
May 1, 2007 at 2:19
Boris Yeltsin’s death on affected me in a way that was surely unique: He was my high-school crush.
Yes, I am serious.
Ick, blechhhhhh, blargh, gag, on so many levels.
She needs a Prozac Burger!
iamcoyote said,
May 1, 2007 at 2:25
Bubba, thanks for the link - I skimmed toward the end, but it was brilliant. My favorite bit:
I remember thinking that James Atlas’s life of Saul Bellow was an embarrassing Oedipal farce, but Lewis at work here is like nothing so much as an adolescent publicly masturbating on the exhumed corpse of his father, and thinking this performance the acme of wit.
What right wing blogger’s writing doesn’t fit that description?
SamFromUtah said,
May 1, 2007 at 2:27
RB: You might want to give this bio a shot. I never made it through.
I may have a look, thanks. I hadn’t ever read H.S. Thompson’s obit for Nixon, and I just had a look at that - woo. That was mighty.
I’m always surprised that people like K-Lo exist - those who worship powerful people purely for the power, with no regard to any other personal attributes. It makes me feel a bit pukey to encounter it.
Righteous Bubba said,
May 1, 2007 at 2:28
I should say thanks to Matt for the link then, which I promptly posted under K-Lo’s column. It’s the only comment there.
Righteous Bubba said,
May 1, 2007 at 2:30
I’m always surprised that people like K-Lo exist - those who worship powerful people purely for the power, with no regard to any other personal attributes.
God too is a flawed individual.
SamFromUtah said,
May 1, 2007 at 2:33
RB: God too is a flawed individual.
Well, and I’m pretty sheltered. I can’t imagine how I didn’t end up as a Libertarian.
Kobie said,
May 1, 2007 at 2:34
That column reminds me of the grade-school hard-on I always had for Margaret Thatcher. Oh that wily vixen!
DJ Escher said,
May 1, 2007 at 2:53
“Sleep it off, you drunken slob.”
As it happens, that is #35 on my list of “Top 50 lines I Hope Don’t End My Obituary.”
Taibbi shovels the dirt with some strange giddiness. After accusing the guy of violent, totalitarian thuggery throughout his political career, he singles out his “apelike inability to wear a suit?” I don’t know, that just doesn’t grab me as an execrable vice.
a different brad said,
May 1, 2007 at 3:21
Someday, the rude pundit will get to write a Cheney obit. I truly cannot wait for it.
And, you know, all these jokes about malls force me to say it.
Try walking around a mall dressed as a mall and see what kind of response you get.
Hysterical Woman said,
May 1, 2007 at 3:22
That obit made me worry for Russia. Is Russia ever going to have a leader that isn’t an authoritarian asshole?
Righteous Bubba said,
May 1, 2007 at 3:38
That column reminds me of the grade-school hard-on I always had for Margaret Thatcher. Oh that wily vixen!
Reminds me of Attila the Stockbroker.
Maggie Thatcher’s stunning, yes
But why no nipples in the Daily Express?
Righteous Bubba said,
May 1, 2007 at 3:40
That K-Lo pic: reminds me of the 700 Club segments where Pat and Ben used to sit near a table full of pleading letters, close their eyes and pretend they were faith-healing someone’s colon cancer. Do they still do that?
Jillian said,
May 1, 2007 at 3:56
They still do that, Bubba.
In fact, I heard on NPR this last weekend that yesterday, Sunday, April 29, 2007 is the day Pat Robertson once predicted that the end of the world would start.
Didya notice anything? About the only remarkable thing that happened in my neck of the woods is that I bought a replacement set of Star Wars soundtrack collections to replace one that I lost a while ago in a car accident. Not particularly eschatonical, I think.
See, this is the main thing that drives me nuts about these asswipes. No matter how skullfuckingly stupid and demonstrably WRONG anything they say is, they never reap any consequences for it. Pat Robertson STILL has the ear of the President, despite being a certifiable fruitcake for whom to write a book detailing the times he’s been wrong about shit like this would piss off the environmentalists because of the tree holocaust it would take to make enough paper.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
May 1, 2007 at 4:07
In my world, Jillian, Pat Robertson would be called an ‘originator’.
That’s a glorified word for salesmen. But these salesmen bring in the deals that make the firm go.
So, Pat Robertson brings in the voters who make the GOP go. Silly voters, their sons and daughters get sent off to fight and die for XOM and HAL. Their social security will be turned into profits for brokerage firms before they retire. Their jobs will be outsourced, and maybe they can avoid being set out on the street by getting a job at Walmart.
But hey, they’re not going to let a buncha lefty liberals kick Jeebus to the curb!
And that’s how Pat Robertson earns his money.
Mo's Bike Shop said,
May 1, 2007 at 5:02
You try walking through the mall in a Liver Suit…
Qetesh the Abyssinian said,
May 1, 2007 at 5:13
mikey, Marc Bolan named his son Rolan at around the same time David and Angie Bowie spawned a sprog which they gleefully named Zowie.
Rolan Bolan and Zowie Bowie. Man, those 70s were really something. They must have laughed for hours, while the tears made tracks through their little cocaine moustaches.
EdsAppliance said,
May 1, 2007 at 7:13
Some may not know what The 700 Club means. So allow me.
What do you think? 700 souls saved? 700 days to the end times?
No. It stands for 700 dollars. DOLLARS. Never forget it.
That’s how much money they raked in during their first broadcast on the teevee. They laugh now about how paltry that take was.
These people are professionals.
Gary Ruppert said,
May 1, 2007 at 11:30
The fact is, the Left has been flirting with tyrants for decades.
The Left has always been attracted to murderers and dictators.
The fact is they both share a common goal: complete destruction of America.
Herr Doktor Bimler said,
May 1, 2007 at 13:22
Who is the “both” in that last sentence? The Left, tyrants, murderers or dictators? I am confused.
charles pierce said,
May 1, 2007 at 13:30
Even Boris was never that drunk.
Herr Doktor Bimler said,
May 1, 2007 at 13:36
This is just a tad OT, but I reckon you can never have too many images of cheesy-snack art works. Also I really like Sandy Skoglund, and I will continue to post this link until everyone else learns to like her work too.
Spirula said,
May 1, 2007 at 16:33
What I don’t get is why you posted the pic of Micheal Lee Aday? Whatsup?
g said,
May 1, 2007 at 17:22
Yeltsin and Rudy Giuliani have one thing in common - they both had brief but dramatic “bullhorn moments” that, in the minds of a great many simpleminded people, completely wiped clean their record of indistinguished performance.
Anne Laurie said,
May 1, 2007 at 18:05
Russia had Yeltsin, we had Nixon; Russia has Putin, we have Commander Codpiece. So we’re still doing our fifty-plus “Mirror the Evil Empire” routine: Match the vicious but smart and politically effective operative against the clownish, stumbling, addled but equally vicious petty tyrant…
MzNicky said,
May 1, 2007 at 18:28
EdsAppliance:
I always heard that the 700 in the “700 Club” meant that only 700 people were getting into heaven, and they were the ones who belonged to Pat Robertson’s club. Or something like that.
tigrismus said,
May 1, 2007 at 18:52
The fact is, the Left has been flirting with tyrants for decades.
The fact is, we only have eyes for you, dear.
sri lanky said,
May 1, 2007 at 19:23
Was that taken before or after she shot Selena?
Jrod said,
May 1, 2007 at 22:59
Wikipedia to the rescue!
To keep the station on the air, WYAH decided to produce a special telethon edition of the show. For the telethon, Robertson set a goal of 700 members each contributing $10 a month, which was enough to support the station. Robertson referred to these members as the ‘700 Club’ and the name stuck. The telethon was successful and is still held annually.
Sadly, No! » Famous Lookalikes: Wingnut Edition said,
May 14, 2007 at 13:54
[...] Jean Lopez, pathetic virgin and wannabe groupie for rightwing politicos = Grimace, cheerful dullard and would-be milkshake [...]