26
Ace: ‘I’m not a homo, but vaginas are icky’
While making nervous fun of a stupid ABC ‘News’ article on how to tell if your husband is gay — he is a bit too emphatic, a bit too sarcastic with his ‘well, duhhhs’ if you know what I mean, and I think you do — Ace offers the following in an illuminating aside:
Best friend gay — okay, I can see that one going either way; one of my best buds is a homo. Turned off by cunninglingus? Eh, a lot of guys don’t dig that. Who the hell knows what’s going on down there. It’s like H.R. Geiger giving up ink and canvas to work in the avant-garde medium of Play-Doh and bacon.
I knew it! The vagina is a bio-mechanical horror made of clay and pork! It… it probably contains several sets of razor-sharp teeth and oozes a metal-eating acid that will even sizzle through George Bush’s Kevlar-titanium codpiece which is America’s sole defense against the Muslim Horde! The vagina is obviously such an abomination of anatomy that the only recourse for tough guys like Ace is to snuggle with other males in the Spartan lodge of Beleagured Masculinity — which is sooo not gay, dammit, NOT GAY AT ALL!!! — until some great Messianic PenisMan* arrives to penultimately cock-slap the vagina from humanity forever!!!
*Candidates are Rob Halford, Harvey Mansfield, and a resurrected George W. Bush, who was crucified by feminized, muslimized Liberals but will return, nailholes still in his codpiece, to bring not a piece of pussy but a sword, a porksword, dammit, which all will behold in its turgid glory.
HTML Mencken said,
April 26, 2007 at 3:43
Yeah, I’m still quit but I couldn’t resist. Ace is to funny forever!11!
mikey said,
April 26, 2007 at 3:59
1. Ace is hilarious. And it seems to be effortless.
2. You ain’t quit. Don’t make me saddle up my ruck and bring my -ism - ignorance to Arkansas for a weekend of remedial mikey.
3. If I DO have to come down there, you better have a righteous connection for corn sqeezins or I’m gonna be pissed.
4. I have no idea what four is, so there…
mikey
Hysterical Woman said,
April 26, 2007 at 4:03
Admittedly, there are some straight women who think penises look gross (I’m not one of them). Then again, part of that may be because of Society.
Ms. Clio said,
April 26, 2007 at 4:03
well then maybe he will unquit you again in the future — he seems to have an unlimited supply of teh stupid.
Harvey Mansfield — I saw him on either TDS or TCR and laughed and laughed — hard to imagine a less manly man.
DJ Escher said,
April 26, 2007 at 4:12
“Who the hell knows what’s going on down there.”
5 of our Supreme Court justices seem to have an impressive amount of certainty about what’s going on “down there.” And I’m not talking about pubic hair on soda cans.
Leonard Pierce said,
April 26, 2007 at 4:14
Is…is there a Mrs. Ace? Because I bet she gets in the mood real quick when he comes home with a couple of Bud Lites in him and hollers “Get your Play-Doh/bacon hole ready, I might be able to get it up tonight!”
steve_e said,
April 26, 2007 at 4:14
Vaginas are awesome.
End of story.
g said,
April 26, 2007 at 4:23
Scared of human body parts. That’s pretty pathetic.
a different brad said,
April 26, 2007 at 4:27
Shorter Ace:
I get real nervous and clumsy in bed. Thus, women’s genitals are an honorary Other.
anangryoldbroad said,
April 26, 2007 at 4:27
Oh.My.
He’s askeered of lady parts…((snicker,teehee))
Too bad,if you’re askeered,you can not possibly say your world has ever been rocked. And that’s just sad.
But it does explain alot of the mean,miserable,whining.
ifthethunderdontgetya®©³² said,
April 26, 2007 at 4:31
a different brad said:
Shorter Ace.
Sporkey said,
April 26, 2007 at 4:44
Who the hell knows what’s going on down there.
With more exposure to “down there”, I’m sure he’d find out…however, I can’t imagine that there would be many volunteers.
iamcoyote said,
April 26, 2007 at 4:52
Well, I sure hope for his sake that he’s gay, ‘cos he just lost a whole shitload of potential dates with that unfortunate self-disclosure.
MzNicky said,
April 26, 2007 at 4:53
Most telling is that the doofus misspelled “cunnilingus.”
Spelled it “cunninglingus.”
Vagina dentata/Freudian slip? I’d say so.
gis said,
April 26, 2007 at 5:01
Where is this Spartan Lodge? Is that the place off I-65? I’ve heard stories but…
jackd said,
April 26, 2007 at 5:01
It’s like H.R. Geiger giving up ink and canvas to work in the avant-garde medium of Play-Doh and bacon.
That kind of writing deserves recognition.
Ladies and Gentlemen! The Award for Worst Use of Simile in a Blog goes to…ACE OF SPADES!
DrDick said,
April 26, 2007 at 5:02
Methinks he protests too much. “Who the hell knows what’s going on down there?” Well, I for one know what can go on “down there” (and it’s a lot of fun), but I suspect Ace will never really know (and is really afraid to know). The only people I know who talk that way about the female anatomy are my gay friends.
Jillian said,
April 26, 2007 at 5:04
My best friend in the world is gay. Not in that “some of my best friends are gay” kind of way - he’s my best friend in the “I love him more than I loved my ex-fiance, I never believed that whole ‘Frodo and Sam are platonic’ thing until I met this guy and realized just how deeply you could love a friend that you aren’t sexually involved with” way.
He is consistently puzzled by the rather largish seeming number of “straight” men who are squicked out by the vagina. It just makes no sense to him that you’d think you are straight if you aren’t turned on by playing with the genitals of the opposite sex. Naturally, his take on the whole thing is that most of these guys are actually gay, and just too closeted to admit it even to themselves.
I always tell him that he really doesn’t want that to be true - I wouldn’t wish those guys on his tribe any more than I am happy to have them in mine.
Jillian said,
April 26, 2007 at 5:05
And yeah, Dick, what Ace said is pretty much identical to what my gay friends say about a lady’s unmentionables.
kc said,
April 26, 2007 at 5:08
Eh, a lot of guys don’t dig that.
I have yet to meet the straight one who didn’t.
Jeez, you practically have to swat them on the head with a rolled-up newspaper to get them out of there . . .
kingubu said,
April 26, 2007 at 5:16
Jeez, you practically have to swat them on the head with a rolled-up newspaper to get them out of there . . .
Somebody told us there was a sammich in there, somewhere.
bemused said,
April 26, 2007 at 5:30
Turned off by cunninglingus? Eh, a lot of guys don’t dig that.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you modern conservatism defined and explained. Two sentences, 12 words.
Our work here is done.
a different brad said,
April 26, 2007 at 5:30
I’d like the designated SN! judgment site feministe to note the general restraint in this thread, before it gets late.
And there’s one, or two, group of ostensibly straight men who I’ve found at least pretend not to know or enjoy time with giners. The first is teenaged southern boys, who, no offense to any former members of the group here, are the gayest bunch of repressed anus freaks I’ve ever known. Chreebus.
The second group is italian gangsters, according to the Sopranos.
No reason to assume he’s gay, it’s already quite clear he’s dumb enough to automatically hate the unfamiliar or difficult. Not that playin with giners is either.
a different brad said,
April 26, 2007 at 5:32
And I didn’t mean “gayest” in any pejorative sense, but literal.
*does the pc dance for you*
Pere Ubu said,
April 26, 2007 at 5:34
Who the hell knows what’s going on down there?
Yeah, there’s none of those in World of Warcraft, so how do you expect Ace to figure it out?
Henry Hollandq said,
April 26, 2007 at 5:34
Jillian’s right, I don’t want Ace on my team. No way, no how. It’s bad enough we ‘mo’s have to apologize for Roy Cohn and Ernst Rohm (among many), but Ace? No way.
D. Aristophanes said,
April 26, 2007 at 5:43
Ace totally looks at the mantelpiece when he’s stoking the fire. Actually, he looks at this picture of Erik Estrada that’s on the mantelpiece when he’s stoking the fire.
Some Guy said,
April 26, 2007 at 5:52
Two words for Ace… well, three, but two of them are hyphenated.
“Smegma”
“Pre-Cum”
Enjoy.
Lesley said,
April 26, 2007 at 5:54
Admittedly, there are some straight women who think penises look gross (I’m not one of them).
The penis is only as gross as the man it’s attached to. Guess that’s true of the vagina too. I’d rather not think of Barbara Bush’s vagina, for example.
billy pilgrim said,
April 26, 2007 at 5:56
Ace must usually just think of england. He’s like a real-life General!
Jeez, HTML, how can you quit this bunch? I been laughing so hard at this thread - kc and kingubu’s couplet is the best- “There’s a sammich down there?”
Wingnuts is the cwaziest people!
D. Aristophanes said,
April 26, 2007 at 5:57
I’d rather not think of Barbara Bush’s vagina, for example.
Or what’s gone in and come out of it, either.
Smiling Mortician said,
April 26, 2007 at 6:00
3. If I DO have to come down there, you better have a righteous connection for corn sqeezins or I’m gonna be pissed.
4. I have no idea what four is, so there…
I’ll ride shotgun with you, mikey. I think Mencken needs a decent weekend. We’ll figure out #4 on the way . . .
Candy said,
April 26, 2007 at 6:09
OT but Bill Moyers was Must See TV tonight. Could it be we’re finally waking tfu?
Mencken, say it ain’t so….
?
EdsAppliance said,
April 26, 2007 at 6:14
stupid ABC ‘News’ article on how to tell if your husband is gay
This is even more icky than lady parts. Why even call it “news?” Doesn’t that word have a different meaning?
protected static said,
April 26, 2007 at 6:16
The vagina is only as gross as the man it’s attached to? Ummm… Pssst! [whispers] Men don’t have vaginas.
Tho’ there is the Fleshlight…
Lesley said,
April 26, 2007 at 6:42
Meet the gal Ace sleeps with every night. See, with her he doesn’t have to worry, cuz absolutely nothing is going on “down there.”
Lesley said,
April 26, 2007 at 6:51
Naturally, his take on the whole thing is that most of these guys are actually gay, and just too closeted to admit it even to themselves.
A gay guy I know told me he hooked up with many a married man at the local bathhouse.
HTML Mencken said,
April 26, 2007 at 6:55
mikey, SM, Ms Clio, et al –
I’m really not trying to be a drama queen with all this, but I do want to quit for a while. Or, at least, quit smaller posts like this one. Ace’s post here was an easy target that anyone could make funny but otherwise, my skillz are seriously diminished.
I’m too pissed off to be funny or write clearly. So I need to stop for a while.
But not completely stop — I wanna work on those long term projects we’ve had brewing for a while here. Look on my old blog and you’ll see some of the work I’ve been doing setting one of those projects up.
Anyway, everything’s all right in my personal life — better than it’s been for a long time, in fact (aside being broke, but that’s just par for the course this time of year). I’m just disgusted and pissed for reasons I explained in the Yglesias post and thread.
So aside from a new installment of Wingnuts in Party Hats, or perhaps a one-time Nuclear Sammich Attack on certain overinvested PC pukefaces, I’m out of here until… well, you’ll see (think of long posts with many links that comprehensively annihilate whatever is targeted).
I’ll still be lurking, though, collecting links and trying not to go apeshit taco on nominally Liberal people being rewarded for stupidity, tepidity, banality, wingnuttery…
themann1086 said,
April 26, 2007 at 6:58
I’m stunned speechless.
For the record, I love giving cunnilingus :) yaaaay oral!
Ms. Clio said,
April 26, 2007 at 7:08
sounds like that’s what you need to do for yourself right now, so that’s cool; just glad you won’t be disappearing entirely from the blogosphere.
I’m confident the batshit insane stylings of wingnuttia will lure you out of retirement at some point.
Qetesh the Abyssinian said,
April 26, 2007 at 7:19
Well, I sure hope for his sake that he’s gay, ‘cos he just lost a whole shitload of potential dates with that unfortunate self-disclosure.
What on earth gives you that idea? Think carefully now: does it seem to you that women would be lining up for a root with someone who expresses those views, even pre-”icky-vagina”?
This talk of genitals, and our ‘modern’ western attitude towards same, reminds me of travel tales told by a friend of mine. She’d been staying for a month in the highlands of New Guinea, where her mother and step-father were doctorin’ the locals.
(BTW, if I’ve told this story before, just roll your eyes and skip to the next comment).
Those highlands are hot and steamy, so folks don’t wear clothes (quite apart from anything else, they’d rot in no time, and the chafing would probably saw your leg off).
So, everyone’s nekkid. But wait, there’s more.
The traditional form of greeting is to take hold of the other person’s jiggly bits and give them a squeeze: breasts for a woman, testicles for a man.
It’s funny to see the reaction of white folks when she tells this story: after all, they’re just body parts like any others. And it’s not as though you’re sticking a finger up their arse or anything that might get dirt under your nails, just a jiggle of the bits.
Oh, and did I mention that the blokes were all wearing penis gourds?
Ms. Clio said,
April 26, 2007 at 7:33
QtA, that is so interesting — I’ve never heard of that before. Though I have read about and seen the penis gourds, or something similar, in a program about South American Indians. Although I don’t recall the reason for the practice.
DocAmazing said,
April 26, 2007 at 7:43
So righty-tighties don’t go down on their womenfolk…that explains a great many bloggers I’ve read…
Seriously, such quimphobia goes a long way toward clarifying their lust for war, and I ain’t even a Freudian.
D. Sidhe said,
April 26, 2007 at 7:53
The penis is only as gross as the man it’s attached to. Guess that’s true of the vagina too.
Okay, that’ll do. Substitute “personality” for “man”, and you got my life philosophy all wrapped up in a motto I can put on a decorative throw pillow.
Me, I’m a bi woman who’s had relationships with gay men, and straight women, so the world is really just a big ol’ ball of fun if you look at it right.
Nonetheless, I can rarely look at a penis without giggling, and I blame that Kryten-Becomes-Human episode of Red Dwarf (”That’s the best design they could come up with? Are you seriously telling me there were choices, and someone said, that’s the shape we’re looking for, the last chicken in the shop look?”) Or maybe it’s just the bobble head effect. I always kind of want to put a little baseball cap on them. But I tend to giggle at nudity regardless of gender or indeed, much else.
Either way, in my experience, few people mind by the time you’re all done. Sex is silly, even if you do it right. Ace can giggle all he likes, as long as he doesn’t get offended when his partners giggle right back.
The shame is, he looks like the type who would.
C. elegans said,
April 26, 2007 at 8:02
You know, at some point somebody’s going to have to be the person to ask: “And have you ever walked though a mall wearing a vagina suit?” I am proud to be that person.
Sifu Tweety said,
April 26, 2007 at 8:34
I’m with ace: fuck a pork sword. Fuck it right in the ass.
Wait that came out wrong…
wait, that came out wrong….
oh, boy.
Wait, that came out wrong.
M. Bouffant said,
April 26, 2007 at 9:03
Must be why Ace is always linking to smut on his little page, his husband is gay.
In the “ick factor” dep’t., a woman once told me she had invited a feller home for after-bar activities, but when he dropped trou, revealing he was a serious gentile, or at least Canadian (uncircumcised, is what I’m saying) she changed her mind & threw him right the heck out. So the sword can cut both ways.
Matt T. said,
April 26, 2007 at 9:16
The first is teenaged southern boys, who, no offense to any former members of the group here, are the gayest bunch of repressed anus freaks I’ve ever known.
In a word, and speaking as a former teenaged Southern boy, yep. I was maybe 13 when I came across the concept of oral sex, and to be quite frank, I had a hard time wrapping my head around the concept. However, those were indeed the days or miracles and wonders, and I quickly groked the appeal of the whole thing. However, among my peckerwood peer group, eating pussy was considered a horribly sissified thing to do. A real man simply did not go a-yodelin’ in the valley, as it were.
Given that a blowjob was considered de reguir on Saturday nights in our small-town romances, I always found it confusing that my male peers would not give as good as they got when it came to oral stimulation. The only explination one could give, beyond it just being “gay” and all, was that it was “nasty” down there. No, it wasn’t, I countered, and I found yet another reason to think my chums were a pack of goobers. For what it’s worth, once a redneck gets married, he will go down. What my friends tell me. The female ones, anyway.
What I think is interesting, and I found this out in college, is that pretty much the same thought process inre: munching carpet exists/existed in urban African-American youth culture. To wit, a young lad would go down on his lady but wouldn’t own up to in a million years to his boys. She didn’t talk about it, neither, and it was more often than not a give-and-take situation. Frat boys, same thing. It’s “gay” but most guys do it for one reason or another.
And I don’t think it’s neccessarily a matter of it being “gay” in a literal sense, really. I think it’s more the whole idea that sex is for men only that makes up part of the macho bullshit that infected redneck culture when I was growing up, and still does for all I know. The problem isn’t (or wasn’t, anyway) homosexuality qua homosexuality, the problem is that being gay means you’re basically a woman. Remember who we’re talking about here and work it out from there.
Class and ethnic issues in cunnilingus, there’s a grad paper in there somewhere. This is the most I’ve thought about this topic in I don’t know how long, and it’s called up some pleasent memories. I don’t know what the hell Ace’s problem is.
One more thought: those goddamn Live Dolls are creepy as hell. Worries me to death there’s a market for that.
M. Bouffant said,
April 26, 2007 at 9:34
Those dolls are very creepy. I s’pose the sort of “dude’ who enjoys silicone on the inside of women can now get it on the outside too..BTW, I b’leeve those things cost about $5,000.00, sort of the ultimate in Playboy gadgetry for the ultimate in creepiness.
Thomas said,
April 26, 2007 at 10:17
I’m not gay. I just suck cock to prove to myself how much I don’t like it.
Lesley said,
April 26, 2007 at 10:22
Last time i hopped around the realdoll site there were photos of dolls in various roles outside the bedroom. Sitting at the dining table, in the comfy chair in the livingroom or on the couch with the b/f watching teevee. It seems some guys view the thing as a companion of sorts, while others store it in the closet until they want to use it. There is also a section on maintenance and repair. Gah. It’s surreal. Someone should make a documentary about people and their real dolls.
Funniest FAQ ever:
Question: What happens when “the honeymoon is over” and I feel that the doll is not for me and wish to return it?
Although we’d like to fully satisfy all our customers, our firm policy is: ALL SALES ARE FINAL.
Lesley said,
April 26, 2007 at 10:24
Bwahaha. There is a market for previously owned dolls:
Question: Do you have any rejects or used models I can buy for cheap?
No
Qetesh the Abyssinian said,
April 26, 2007 at 10:36
Ms Clio, I’m not sure what the reason is, but I must admit I love the idea that some blokes use the gourd to stash their cash and tobacco. Offers endless opportunity for some cheap gags of the like of “This cigarette is strangely warm…” variety.
RandomObserver said,
April 26, 2007 at 11:52
See, it was all fun and games until you had to go and insult Real Doll owners.
Reall Doll owners are people too. Gah, I’m outraged! Outraged I say!
Remember, “political correctness” is just common decency and common decency precludes us from making fun of people who own sex dolls. Hey, what’s wrong with that? Having sex with a doll doesn’t hurt any of you does it???
I subscribe to the radical notion that sex doll owners are people too!
It’s really unbelievable that someone who claims to be a feminist and supposedly fights for the rights of the downtrodden would turn right back around and castigate others for the horrible “crime” of owning a life size woman-shaped dull that they may or may not be fucking.
Sex doll owners have it bad enough without your insults ya bastards.
Col. Klink said,
April 26, 2007 at 12:00
One big indicator that was left off on the quiz is the question: Does your husband fuck other men? It’s probably the best indicator out there.
Herr Doktor Bimler said,
April 26, 2007 at 12:06
some blokes use the gourd to stash their cash and tobacco
It’s a convenient place for the hip flask, is all I can say.
It also adds a new meaning to the phrase “Stoned out of my gourd”.
D. Sidhe said,
April 26, 2007 at 12:12
Col Klink, I’ve always wondered about those things. A woman in IRC once worriedly explained to me that she’d just spent five minutes doing an Are You Gay quiz. This kind of baffled me, as the quizzes I could devise on the subject would take either thirty seconds or at least half an hour.
Apparently it was more complicated than that, and she spent most of the next half hour telling me about it. It turns out she didn’t think it was conclusive, because she got a sort of split response and she wasn’t sure if maybe that meant she was bi. I suggested it might mean she’s a multiple personality, a possibility she took *way too seriously*. (She barely has the one personality, really.)
It wasn’t the first idiotic conversation we’d had, but it sure stands out.
Marq said,
April 26, 2007 at 13:27
OK. Gay.
Vaginas? Gross!
Why? Gay!!
Cunnilingus? No!
Real Dolls? Ickier!!
None of that was intended to insult any of the ladies out there–believe me, you’re much better off for me not wanting to have sex with you. And, Ace? No, I don’t really want him on my team either. Maybe we can have him made into a eunuch.
Kevin Hayden said,
April 26, 2007 at 13:41
Vaginas are friendly, like puppies.
They’re excitable awfully quick.
They’re lots of fun to snuggle with
and only a few are certifiably ick.
Treat them kind and pet them often.
Give ‘em lots o’ wet kisses.
Ace, I suspect I know your problem:
you’re kissin’ the wrong side of those GOP misses.
ifthethunderdontgetya®©³² said,
April 26, 2007 at 13:57
O/T Another Daily Double of Hacktastic Dreck from the WaPo:
Joey Liarman and teh tired old Dean.
Heres a Washington political riddle where you fill in the blanks: As Alberto Gonzales is to the Republicans, Dave Broder is to the Washington Post.
By ifthethunderdontgetya | Apr 26, 2007 7:55:09 AM | Request Removal
norbizness said,
April 26, 2007 at 14:21
IT’S GIGER, FOR FUCK’S SAKE! 61 COMMENTS AND NOBODY NOTICED THAT MR. PENIS LANDSCAPE DIDN’T INVENT A RADIOACTIVITY DETECTION DEVICE?
ben said,
April 26, 2007 at 14:32
Wait, back up: what’s this quit bullshit?
ifthethunderdontgetya®©³² said,
April 26, 2007 at 14:40
I blame teh Left®©³², Norbiz.
Qetesh the Abyssinian said,
April 26, 2007 at 14:40
It’s a convenient place for the hip flask, is all I can say.
It also adds a new meaning to the phrase “Stoned out of my gourd�.
They don’t look big enough for a hip flask, although I suppose there’s always some bloke trotting around with the giant “He-man” size gourd with the capacity of a small suitcase (or portmanteau).
norbizness, I’m ashamed to confess I didn’t even notice it. But at least I knew which Giger he meant. Although that’s probably not a social advantage, since he’s popular with geeks and nerds (yes, which does include me. Sigh).
D Sidhe, it’s always the ones that have the least in the personality pack that think they’ve got the most. You can always pick the ones with the past lives and the multiple personalities: I shared my house with one of them. There were fairy dolls all over the place, and ‘Tibetan prayer rugs’ she’d bought at the local furniture warehouse, and all the usual crap. She spoke in a breathy sort of blonde voice, and talked a lot about karma. Without, of course, knowing the slightest thing about it.
People like that do indeed fuck me right off. As do the ones you mentioned in your latest blog post, and I must say I agreed totally, as well as enjoying the post. “Positive thinking” wankers make me want to slap them hard, if only because I can’t share with them the joy of my own malfunctioning neurochemistry.
Speaking of which, I’m beginning to get the feeling I’m definitely not alone here. So how many of yez are on some kind of happy pills? Better living through chemistry, as they say. I always disdained drugs, but now that I’ve got to be on them for life or my mind will eat itself, I feel much more mellow.
Well, as mellow as I get, which isn’t saying much.
Simba B. said,
April 26, 2007 at 15:35
Speaking of which, I’m beginning to get the feeling I’m definitely not alone here. So how many of yez are on some kind of happy pills? Better living through chemistry, as they say. I always disdained drugs, but now that I’ve got to be on them for life or my mind will eat itself, I feel much more mellow.
I’ve been on them since I was…oh, maybe six years old. At least five different kinds, too. My boyfriend is now on Zoloft too, since we’re discussing teh ghey.
Simba B. said,
April 26, 2007 at 15:37
And yes, vaginas are indeed icky. No offense, ladies.
Legalize said,
April 26, 2007 at 15:39
Ace doth protest too much. Vaginas rule.
Ann Althouse said,
April 26, 2007 at 15:44
No wonder Ace only wanted to dry hump me, and from behind.
Bacon? Feh!
J— said,
April 26, 2007 at 15:47
But wait. There’s more. The counter dude is Johannes Wilhem Geiger, more commonly called Hans Geiger. There is an H.R. Geiger out there, in John Dunning’s latest novel.
From the publisher’s blurb for The Bookwoman’s Last Fling.
AkaDad said,
April 26, 2007 at 15:50
Perhaps we shouldn’t be so judgmental. A quick diagnosis suggests that Ace may be suffering from a rare disorder called post-pubescent vaginal trauma…
kc said,
April 26, 2007 at 15:53
Somebody told us there was a sammich in there, somewhere.- kingubu
Now that made me laugh. And I notice kingubu said “sammich,” not “bunch of celery.”
My point is, sammiches are just funny. Giant sammiches are even funnier.
Peanutcat said,
April 26, 2007 at 15:54
But I bet he thinks gals who don’t like to suck cock aren’t real women.
watertiger said,
April 26, 2007 at 16:08
Hey, everyone knows a dog’s mouth is cleaner than a vagina.
Or something like that.
Jeeeeeeezus.
joe said,
April 26, 2007 at 16:16
“I’d rather not think of Barbara Bush’s vagina, for example.”
Neither would the rest of us, Leslie. Thanks for that.
;-)
J— said,
April 26, 2007 at 17:42
Most telling is that the doofus misspelled “cunnilingus.�
Spelled it “cunninglingus.�
Vagina dentata/Freudian slip? I’d say so.
A few more entries from Ace’s Big Book of Sexual Terminology:
coytus
fallaciou
intercoarse
Bruce said,
April 26, 2007 at 17:43
I was always taught that the difference between democrats and republicans is that the republicans don’t like cunnilingus. Which, for me, is enough of a reason to never vote for them.
d said,
April 26, 2007 at 17:56
Ace is clearly “The Todd” from Scrubs.
Boronx said,
April 26, 2007 at 18:03
Hrmm, in the last decades there has been an incredible advancement in the status and recognition of homosexuals, but I wonder if there isn’t another, still largely ignored and repressed group, repressed by a society that doesn’t understand their needs and assumes by default that they are just a bunch of losers and weirdos, the asexuals.
These people don’t have sex, and don’t seem to try to have sex with anyone. I’m no expert, and they could just be very repressed, but it seems possible to me that they also just have a very low sexdrive.
Spirula said,
April 26, 2007 at 18:14
Who the hell knows what’s going on down there.
Lots and lots of men and women who really care about their female partners pleasure.
Wingnuts: Where pussies are for pussies.
Spirula said,
April 26, 2007 at 18:15
errr…partner’s
c4logic said,
April 26, 2007 at 18:17
Scared of vaginas???? Sounds like a psychological complex derived from unresolved birth trauma. Check out Stanislav Grof.
kiche said,
April 26, 2007 at 18:18
ace just let his guard down and informed us A LOT about his personal life.
that quote he gives is pretty much what i thought about vaginas before i had any sexual experience. “what is going on down there”, “how does that work”, “boy does that look weird, sort of like a flower made of meat”.
after some real world encounters, though, it doesn’t seem so strange and the biomechanics of it make sense.
i feel sorry for ace because i doubt he is some youngster for whom the mysteries of life will be revealed in the coming years.
DJ Escher said,
April 26, 2007 at 18:20
I was dumb enough to look at the comments in Acehole’s thread. Someone actually posted- ACTUALLY POSTED (to put it in Schlusselese)- that one way to tell if your husband was gay was if “he voted Democrat.”
To paraphrase Max von Sydow in “Hannah and Her Sisters”, can you imagine the level of a mind that posts that? Can you imagine someone here replying to “How can you tell if your husband is a repressed S&M hobbyist?” by saying, with absolutely no snark at all, “Huh, huh if he votes Republican huh huh.” For you right-wing trolls, help me out here– what goes through your mind on a post like that? “Well, they’ve got a room-temperature IQ, but their heart’s in the right place”?
starcane said,
April 26, 2007 at 18:23
Ace need to watch some of Alexyss Tylor’s [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Zixl1NljA0]Vagina Power[/url]!
starcane said,
April 26, 2007 at 18:23
Oh well, I don’t know how to do links here. Go to:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Zixl1NljA0
terrible twos said,
April 26, 2007 at 18:24
vagina! … it’s not just for breakfast anymore!
terrible twos said,
April 26, 2007 at 18:34
after some real world encounters, though, it doesn’t seem so strange and the biomechanics of it make sense.
i feel sorry for ace because i doubt he is some youngster for whom the mysteries of life will be revealed in the coming years.
Harley Davison complained that God’s invention was less than adequately engineered as the intake manifold was placed too close to the exhaust
God pointed out that his model was endlessly more popular
Sarcastic Man said,
April 26, 2007 at 18:35
Man, if you’re messing around with Play-Doh down there, you’re in entirely the wrong age bracket.
As for the rest….Mmmm. Bacon.
Freshly Squeezed Cynic said,
April 26, 2007 at 18:38
I think, at this point, we should add some exceptionally heterosexual men to Ace’s banner. Steadfast warriors, clear in head and pure of heart, clutching tools of martial effort to their bulging muscles as they defend us in the glorious name of sweet liberty!
Also they are totally naked.
slim said,
April 26, 2007 at 18:46
Here’s a picture to get Ace hot and bothered.
Warning: this has some relation to I’d rather not think of Barbara Bush’s vagina, for example.
Maybe Ace needs a little tutorial from Jon Stewart on what’s going on down there.
Halota Vagina said,
April 26, 2007 at 18:47
Ace is afraid of the vagina denta…
Freshly Squeezed Cynic said,
April 26, 2007 at 18:53
Continuing the sexual issues of one Ace of Spades, I’d like to be the first to say:
What. A. Fucking. Tool.
Innocent Bystander said,
April 26, 2007 at 18:56
Before the internets, Ace would be paying a shrink to listen to this stuff.
If I might substitute a baseball metaphor, I think Ace has a phobia on touching 3rd base. Sounds like he’s an automatic out at homeplate.
Anne Laurie said,
April 26, 2007 at 19:04
“Play-Doh and bacon”? It’s official — not only has Ace never seen a live vagina, he’s never even talked to someone who’s seen one up close & personal.
This explains a lot about Ace, none of which will come as a surprise to anyone with an IQ higher than room temperature.
As for the Real Dolls, after reading an article where the inventor/sculptor/mechanist responsible for the RD talked about some of the repair jobs he’s done… thank Goddess for any alternative that will keep these people safely in their own homes, away from the rest of us.
cosmosis said,
April 26, 2007 at 19:07
Vagina: it’s what’s for dinner.
Duros62 said,
April 26, 2007 at 19:12
Man, and you guys get flamed for 3 days about a fat joke?
WTF.
yuh-uhuh! said,
April 26, 2007 at 19:21
Either this guy is gay or doesn’t know how to please a woman or both. I hope he’s not married. If he is, I feel sorry for his wife.
tigrismus said,
April 26, 2007 at 19:31
Maybe if Ace would enjoy it more if he were to pretend it’s a bearded man?
Thorlac said,
April 26, 2007 at 19:37
“Colonel Angus? What brings you to these parts?” “I’m headed down South.”
ortho_bob said,
April 26, 2007 at 19:45
A bearded man eating bacon-flavored Play-Doh. And baby octopus. And those things for cutting the ends off cigars.
Diogenes said,
April 26, 2007 at 19:46
Argh!
Not to be too pedantic, but remember that all the fiddly bits on the outside that you can actually see and play around with are all parts of the vulva. The vagina is the slightly less interesting canal that you can’t really see much of without a speculum.
Neither are icky.
el ranchero said,
April 26, 2007 at 20:03
Uhh, he does realize where Giger got some of his inspiration, right? There’s kind of a reason why his work is sometimes reminiscent of a vagina…
SamFromUtah said,
April 26, 2007 at 20:03
but I wonder if there isn’t another, still largely ignored and repressed group, repressed by a society that doesn’t understand their needs and assumes by default that they are just a bunch of losers and weirdos, the asexuals.
You’re not alone in wondering this - the late lamented Kurt Vonnegut wrote about them in Deadeye Dick. The character might not be the sort of person you’re thinking of, because there’s a traumatic life experience in his past that caused his disinterest in sex, but Vonnegut does point out how asexuals are considered freaks.
It’s surprising how much conformity and taboo and such centers on the practices of people who have nothing at all to do with whoever’s being squicked out. Happens all over the political spectrum, too - witness the straight men in this thread falling all over themselves to assure us all that they think cunnilingus is teh awesome and the psychoanalyzing of anyone who doesn’t.
mikey said,
April 26, 2007 at 20:05
The vagina is the slightly less interesting canal that you can’t really see much of without a speculum.
Not So!! I see many of them on the intert00bz. They’re like, everywhere. Honest to gawd, you can’t wave a mouse around without hitting one. Do you want some linkies?
mikey
ace said,
April 26, 2007 at 20:13
Um, geniuses?
It was a joke.
mikey said,
April 26, 2007 at 20:19
Um, geniuses?
It was a joke.
Hmmm. Seems to me Ace and Co. had a little dificulty buying that explanation from John Kerry. But now he wants to duck behind it himself? C’mon, that’s fair, right??
mikey
R.L.Page said,
April 26, 2007 at 20:20
Sure it was … no, really, we believe you …
ace said,
April 26, 2007 at 20:21
It’s kind of amazing how dimwitted you guys are. You and Tbogg claim “Republicans are afraid of brown people,” so I start writing dozens of posts in which I confess soiling myself at the sight of a “brown person,” and then, without the slightest evidence of a clue, lefty bloggers link me screaming, “HE SAYS HE’S AFRAID OF BROWN PEOPLE! He said it! He actually said it!”
Feminist lefties never shut up about how men “fear the power of the vagina,” so I write lots of posts saying “Vaginas are scary,” and then, again, the lefties link me screaming “HE’S AFRAID OF VAGINAS! He said it! He actually said it!”
Here’s a clue: Google ace of spades fear vagina or ace of spades fear brown people. You’ll see dozens of posts in which I state that this or that very scary thing is “almost as scary as brown person” or “almost as scary as a vagina” or, even worse, “almost as scary as brown person’s vagina.”
You’re being mocked for you idiotic stereotypes about conservatives. But you continually take this mocking as actual confirmation for the stereotypes that prompted the mocking in the first place.
You’re just not… what’s the word? Smart. That’s the word I was looking for.
Simba B. said,
April 26, 2007 at 20:21
Um, geniuses?
It was a joke
*sniggers* Oh, isn’t it always, though?
Surely you can come up with a better excuse.
R.L.Page said,
April 26, 2007 at 20:26
Wriggle, wriggle, wriggle ….
Who exactly are you trying to convince?
Simba B. said,
April 26, 2007 at 20:30
It’s kind of amazing how dimwitted you guys are.
Funny, seems like the whole point of this blog is to say the exact same thing about you guys.
steve_e said,
April 26, 2007 at 20:32
We’re all just piling on Ace for laughs (with words, not out bodies!). I don’t necessarily think he revealed some embarrassing inexperience with wimmin parts. I bet there are plenty of guys who don’t like cunnilingus. I am not one of those guys, so, whatever.
The asexual thing mentioned above does throw me off a bit. I think I may be an aphobe. I wish that was a word.
Don’t lose sight of the most important issue here: making fun of wingnuts.
Snowwy said,
April 26, 2007 at 20:34
BWAAAAAhahahahahahaaaa!
And then he comes a-trolling, all defensive.
You know you’re hitting a ‘winger where it hurts when the bullshit explanations start.
ace said,
April 26, 2007 at 20:35
Am I serious here as well, geniuses?
I kind of am annoyed that I had to put that “disclosure” into the post, but I felt I had to becuase idiotic lefties cannot grasp the concept of irony or when they’re being mocked. Especially the latter.
I originally posted it without that disclosure, then thought I’d better make this as PLAIN AS DAY for the moron left, otherwise they’d accuse me of “racism” in a review of a movie that is CLEARLY a parody of their own stereotypes.
Thought it was funnier without that disclosure. But you just can’t trust a lefty to exhibit anything but the stupidest, crudest seltzer-down-the-pants sort of humor.
Irony is so far beyond you guys. You think that simple sarcasm is elevated humor. It’s, um, not. Everyone employs sarcasm — including me — but it’s a very crude kind of humor.
Irony is a couple of steps above, and just beyond your capabilities to detect.
Righteous Bubba said,
April 26, 2007 at 20:37
Regarding Ace’s second attempt at justification, it at least shows that he can take his own words out of context too.
Righteous Bubba said,
April 26, 2007 at 20:38
OMG, there’s a third attempt. Must-not-read-between-the-lines.
ace said,
April 26, 2007 at 20:40
Come on, read the review, and then say it:
“HE’S AFRAID OF BROWN PEOPLE! HE SAID IT! HE ACTUALLY CAME RIGHT OUT AND SAID IT!”
You know you want to.
You guys always do. It doesn’t matter how OBVIOUS we make the joke — the joke on YOU, by the way — or even lard it up with disclosures EXPLAINING the joke.
Nope.
Always the same.
“HE’S AFRAID OF BROWN PEOPLE! HE’S AFRAID OF VAGINAS! He said it! He really said it! I always knew it in my heart, but I never thought they would JUST COME RIGHT OUT AND SAY IT!”
Bruce said,
April 26, 2007 at 20:42
Hey Ace, all this criticism…we’re just kidding you fucking moron.
ace said,
April 26, 2007 at 20:45
Bruce,
It’s a dishonest sort of kidding then. Because a lot of the commenters seem to think this is real, etc.
Some of you may be in on the joke, but you’re not really willing to let your lefty buddies in on it. Because you do want the knuckledraggers to actually think that my six thousand posts on “fear of vaginas” and “fear of brown people” were seriously meant and hence admissions of the stereotypes so dear to your hearts.
R.L.Page said,
April 26, 2007 at 20:47
I hate it when people make me feel embarassed for them.
Put the shovel down, Ace.
mikey said,
April 26, 2007 at 20:52
Irony is so far beyond you guys.
This is so meta, so circular, so beyond irony my head just exploded. Ace, you get over here right now young man and clean this mess up!!
mikey
DJ Escher said,
April 26, 2007 at 20:52
“Um, geniuses? It was a joke.”
I remember that line from somewhere…
Oh right, it was the left’s response to the last 10,000 outrage posts
that Malkin, LGF, and company aimed at the minutiae of irony that escape
their unhinged eyes.
Thanks for the tip, Giger Counter Gomer.
Bruce said,
April 26, 2007 at 20:53
Actually I was kidding about the kidding…..just kidding.
ace said,
April 26, 2007 at 20:53
On Marcotte’s continuing claim that Duke 3 raped Crystal Gail Mangum:
She’s borderline delusional to continue insisting a rape occurred even after the corrupt DA withdrew the charges after the lying “victim” recanted….
But for her, the great overarching “metanarrative” of oppression is the only thing that counts….
And the metanarrative also says because she’s a woman, that must be the reason she was fired — it couldn’t be that she’s dishonest, delusional, needlessly offensive, hateful, or at least extremely disrespectful, to people of faith, or just plain liberal, which, in case she hadn’t noticed, is something conservatives tend to dislike as an attribute.
No, none of those reasons fit into the metanarrative. The reason conservatives picked on her is because he has a — wait for it — vagina, which we fear.
…
Yes, the complex thoughts of Amanda Marcotte, Policy Wonk — Man = Bad, Woman = Good, Vagina = +5 Vorpal Genitals (double damage against ogres).
I’ve never seen such complex thinking before. It’s amazing how she avoids the temptation to simplify complex questions into crudely reductivist paradigms and retareded sloganeering. She’s such a policy wonk, I swear, she’s like Mort Kondracke (with a vagina).
[after quoting a liberal democrat taking her to task]
Perhaps she’ll take this criticism from a fellow liberal?
Nahhhhh… he must hate her because she’s got a hoo-hah between her legs.
Vaginas
They’re very, very scary. Boo!
Geniuses,
Do you think the last part there — Vaginas — They’re very, very scary. Boo! — is serious, or a joke?
I mean, do I actually have to put mockery of you in a special font like Comic MS for you guys to twig on?
ace said,
April 26, 2007 at 20:55
Nah, you guys are right.
Vaginas
They’re very, very scary. Boo!
…was obviously a confession of believing vaginas to be pinkish ghosts.
tb said,
April 26, 2007 at 20:59
Oh, I know. It’s always “fear the power of the vaginaâ€?-this and “fear the power of the vaginaâ€?-that with them.
Seriously, there’s no international law that says you have to prefer pussy to cock. Quit tapdancing, say “I’m a cock man” and be done with it. Shit.
Humbert Dinglepencker said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:00
Love cunnilingus! Love vaginas! Love sex! And…I’m STILL gay!
mikey said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:01
Ace, m’man, come here. Sit down, Now, breath into this paper bag for a minute. Lemme get you a glass of lemonaid. No, no, keep breathing into the bag. Here’s a cool cloth. Dude, I swear you were about to pass out there. Now try to relax. Jeez, if we lost you, we’d be stuck with assrocket and noonan…
mikey
R.L.Page said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:01
Please — stop –
You’re just going to have deal with it, Ace (if that’s your real name.)
Having a slow mind that allows only the most crude and simplistic responses, and being foolish enough to keep displaying your stupidity in public, well, you’re going to be mocked.
Righteous Bubba said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:03
Well, by word-count Ace loses the troll-match easily. To try to put this particular comment in the “I made ironic vagina jokes before!”, uh, box is simply sad. It positively squirts sincerity.
R.L.Page said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:04
One more thing, Ace: you really should get over this delusion that you are (or ever have been) funny. Comedy is just not your strong suit.
ace said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:04
Well we’ve hit the inevitable point in a discussion with a liberal, the point of childish insistence that the liberals’ claims, though thoroughly disproven, are still true — fake but accurate. It just all proves that you’re not only dishonest, but craven and shameless about your dishonesty– as if dishonesty is a positive virtue when dealing with an “enemy.”
You know, you just can’t admit, because you have the intellecutal integrity of a five year old.
But be on notice that a LOT of crap your little talentless blog heroes post for you is similarly dishonest. The Sadly, No! guys obviously read my blog every other day if not more frequently, so they know this schtick, and they know I’ve been doing the fear of vaginas/brown person joke for a year, but they passed it on to you as a genuine confession of “fear of the vagina” (HE SAID IT! He really said it!), lying to you, basically.
But you don’t mind, because a lie in the service of “The Truth” is no vice.
VJB said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:04
Don’t forget the anchovy connection. Best with oil and garlic on pasta. There’s an image for you.
a different brad said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:07
Ace, baby?
At best your joke defense shows how inept you are at comedy. Jokes need an inner core of humor, so that they’re funny. That’s what makes them jokes.
N besides, that you’d make that joke and how you made it remain revealing, despite your thrashing around. That you care enough to come here about it betrays you.
Also, get yer own damn blog. If I want to read your semi literate rantings I want a sugary coating of SN! snarkery with it, dipshit.
tb said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:07
You’re the one living a lie. Quit hiding behind this “joke” dodge.
Kathleen said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:11
tee hee. this thread delivers.
Ace you forgot to mention how much we, The Left, love terrorists, in you lengthy defense/insult up there. Quel surprise. I am sure you have a macro for it.
R.L.Page said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:12
[Just between you and me, Ace -- has it occurred to you that this was written because they knew you'd show up and be all 'unhinged' and 'screechy'? If you need any help getting that hook out, let me know.]
Kathleen said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:14
shorter Ace: I hate Straw Liberals. And I am not gay.
Thorlac said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:16
Ace, just admit to being gay and be done with it. People might like you better; hell, you might even like yourself better. And it’ll make our eventual discovery of your Real Pork Sausage Weekends less painful.
LA Confidential Pantload said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:17
Uh, oh….this looks like it’s descending into cock-slapping - and you KNOW what happens then….
steve_e said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:18
Can we setup a comment that will allow Ace to leave gracefully?
I’m putting a feeler out there. Someone else has to deliver the message.
I don’t like seeing someone prolong their suffering by egging on the people bullying them.
a different brad said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:21
“Yes, the complex thoughts of Amanda Marcotte, Policy Wonk — Man = Bad, Woman = Good, Vagina = +5 Vorpal Genitals (double damage against ogres).”
Ace?
This is an actual sentence you wrote.
Just now.
You’re not helping yourself.
I played AD&D too, and you implied vaginas behead people in combat on lucky rolls. This goes to what I was saying before about your jokes being unintentionally revealing.
Harry Cheddar said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:37
“You dumb assholes. It’s just a joke. See I really love the cooters. Lu-lu-lu-lu-luv. Dat. Furby. Fuckin’ morans.”
Dude, this shit is tearing me up. Laughed so hard I think I peed a little.
R.L.Page said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:38
p://whiskeyfire.typepad.com/whiskey_fire/2007/04/red_men_and_the.html#comments
Better get over there right away, Ace; it looks like another bunch of Wicked Leftists in need of a lecture on “Truth.” (That is what you think you do, right? “the Truth”?)
RubDMC said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:40
So this putz named Ace, if it really is the same putz, comes here and blah blah blah’s about “I was just joking, it was only a joke, you guys are teh stoopid to see it was a joke, blah blah blah…” all the while forgetting one of Marshall McLuhan’s key admonitions, namely:
every joke has an underlying grievance.
Putz.
Some Guy said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:41
Hey, can you guys freaking keep it down over here? I’m trying to get a goddamn nap in before work, and I can’t effing sleep over the din of Ace’s wild, some may say overly aggressive, defensiveness.
Albert64 said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:44
Is that what they mean by “the proof is in the pudding”?
NobodySpecial said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:48
[...]lying to you, basically.
But you don’t mind, because a lie in the service of “The Truth� is no vice.
Pot, meet fucking Kettle. Or maybe not. After all, they’re both black.
This, however, is absolutely funny as hell coming from a guy with a whole litany of lies in service of his ‘Truth’.
Like his statement that El-Baradei said Iran was three months from a bomb, when the article he linked never said three months. Ace pulled it from - where else? Out of his ass.
spencer said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:48
I was dumb enough to look at the comments in Acehole’s thread. Someone actually posted- ACTUALLY POSTED (to put it in Schlusselese)- that one way to tell if your husband was gay was if “he voted Democrat.�
This made me laugh out loud, for reasons that I’m not altogether proud of.
Let’s just say . . . oh, forget it.
cokane said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:48
ace, you and your commenters seem to know alot about what makes someone gay, and that the vagina is gross
ace said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:49
Ahem…
Given the fact that leftist men (and women) skew a hell of a lot more gay than conservative ones, and given your vaunted “tolerance” that proclaims that saying “homo” or calling someone a fag is the worst sort of speech possible…
…do you guys really want to go down this road?
It never ceases to amaze me how quick lefties are to call other people queer. And yet when the same is said of them or their heroes they scream bloody murder.
But of course fags — allow me to use the word that you’re using — are greatly overrepresented on the left.
So: I’m being called a faggot by a group that’s about 50% faggot themselves (adding in those who engaged in a little “college experimention,” and we know that what happens in college stays in college, right?).
Whatever.
And don’t knock me for saying fag and faggot. You’re using the word yourselves — if you’re not actuallly saying it, you’re using words that mean the same thing (i.e., calling someone gay in order to denigrate them).
Anyway, faggots (and honestly, such a high percentage of liberal men are either gay or nebbishy and effeminite), later.
I’m going back to my blog to reveal more about my deep fears about the vagina.
Inquiring Minds said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:53
Ace, baby, we’re not trying to denigrate you by asking you to admit you’re gay. We’re trying to get you to relieve the deep psychic pain you feel everyday. The point is we think it’s great that you’re gay. What we don’t like is your unwillingness to accept it. That’s where the homophobia is.
J— said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:54
Ace, you better get over to Pandagon and Lawyers, Guns, and Money to set the record straight. They seem to have missed the irony as well.
Progressive Gold » Blog Archive » Behind The Meat Curtains said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:55
[...] blogger and favourite target of those Sadly Nosian scamps, Ace O’ Spades, is the cause of much current hilarity at liberal US blogs for his take on a [...]
Righteous Bubba said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:56
So: I’m being called a faggot
I count four uses of this word, all in one comment by a guy called Ace.
steve_e said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:57
“And don’t knock me for saying fag and faggot. You’re using the word yourselves — if you’re not actuallly saying it, you’re using words that mean the same thing (i.e., calling someone gay in order to denigrate them).”
Well, if we like gay people, how can we be denigrating them?
tb said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:57
That’s an ugly word, Ace. You’re being “denigrated” for your lack of self-awareness, not for your apparent gayness.
RobW said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:58
“You think that simple sarcasm is elevated humor. It’s, um, not.”
Ace thinks that “um” is a word. It’s not.
Ok, that’s what I was just about to write before he went off on that amazing string of non-sequitors and declared victory. He parodies himself; how convenient!
So, Ace, since you were only joking, may we assume then that you do like to eat pussy after all? Fag.
(Yes, this is a joke. And so is this. But this isn’t. Unless it’s funny, then it is. Never mind, I’ll wait to see if anyone laughs at me, then I’ll decide if it was meant to be funny or not.)
cokane said,
April 26, 2007 at 21:58
Ace, you’re such a clown.
“Best friend gay — okay, I can see that one going either way; one of my best buds is a homo. Turned off by cunninglingus? Eh, a lot of guys don’t dig that. Who the hell knows what’s going on down there.”
Where’s the irony in this post? Sounds like an honest confession to me.
Were you being ironic about having a gay friend too?
Pabst Blue Ribbon said,
April 26, 2007 at 22:00
Seems to me Ace’s ability to conflate gay and fag says more than his feelings about vaginas.
Gentlewoman said,
April 26, 2007 at 22:02
I’ll ride shotgun with you, mikey. I think Mencken needs a decent weekend. We’ll figure out #4 on the way . . .
#4: Swing by SW MO, pick up GW and Ganesh Bengal Cat (as long as the road trip is before July, because I am moving back to CT in July).
We will get totally wasted!! (Except for GBC, he will probably just break a bunch of HTML’s furniture or something, and fall off of things, and we can all laugh.)
We will rock out to good and bad music, and quarrel about which is which.
We will go to low dives that serve good beer and argue about political economy.
We will make totally wasted!! telephone calls to Bradrocket and Travis and Gavin and DA and Mister Leonard, but not Seb because it’s too expensive unless there is intertubes telephone, in which case we WILL call Seb and wake him and his entire family up and they will all wish that they were there with us!!!1!!
There may even be drunkblogging, in the steps of Teh Master of alicublog.
Well, there’s that Spring Fling sorted, then.
Oh, and Ace, jokes are supposed to be funny, you pompous, deluded twit.
Ooooooh watch out! Here come the evil liberals after poor, persecuted Ace!
Dimwit. We’ve got better things to do.
People only kick your worthless ass because it amuses them when they have some downtime from taking our country back from demented fuckwits like you.
Nobody cares what you think about brown people, vaginas, or anything else. We just point and laugh at you because you are an idiot.
Harry Cheddar said,
April 26, 2007 at 22:03
“Who you callin’ fag, ya fags? Its funny a bunch of butt burglers are questioning my manhood. Ya’ll know you ‘effeminite’, and not all manly like me. MANLY. I’m so damn manly I could go to Iraq and cockslap a democracy outta dem ragheads. And I would too, except for the bum knee. So just eat it you fruitboys”.
Uh-huh.
Simba B. said,
April 26, 2007 at 22:07
Given the fact that leftist men (and women) skew a hell of a lot more gay than conservative ones
*smirks* You just make it too easy.
You don’t really believe this do you? Another one of your jokes, perhaps? Because if 2006 taught us anything (*cough* Ted Haggard *cough*), it’s that the Republican party (*ahem* Ken Mehlman *ahem*) is just one big fat self-hating closet case.
Come out and be done with it. You’ll enjoy it a lot more if you do.
ellenbrenna said,
April 26, 2007 at 22:29
The problem with your recitation of our failure to grasp your humor Ace is that the paragraph in question is one in which you switched gears to state that not all of the indicators on the list actually mean the person is gay. You started by citing your “best bud” as apparent evidence that straight men can have gay friends and then proceeded directly to the statement that plenty of men don’t like to go down. The implication being that none of this makes them any less straight.
If you were being serious in the first half of the paragraph then the comic device you were employing in the second half was likely hyperbole, not irony. Hyperbole about how disgusting the pussy is, could indicate that you in fact find them disgusting or at least find it excusable that others do so. If the entire paragraph is serious then everyone is justified in joking that you are afraid of the pussy. If the entire paragraph is ironic, then everyone here is justified in joking about your latent homosexuality.
Poor writing, like an election, has consequences.
Captain Annoying said,
April 26, 2007 at 22:29
Has Jeff Goldstein been guest-blogging at Ace this whole time? Because these lame-ass attempts at “steering into the skid” w/r/t vaginaphobia definitely carry the whiff of Pasty.
NobodySpecial said,
April 26, 2007 at 22:30
So: I’m being called a faggot by a group that’s about 50% faggot themselves (adding in those who engaged in a little “college experimention,� and we know that what happens in college stays in college, right?).
Ace’s grasp of statistics is about as good as his grasp of biology, it seems.
Comedy Gold said,
April 26, 2007 at 22:32
Ace is so cute. Generally, when a funny human being wants to use that hip, hilarious irony, he utilizes a well-worn cliche to signal that he’s being unserious.
EXAMPLE: “Turned off by cunnilingus? Well, you know how much the patriarchy fears the vagina.”
If it’s a recurring theme on his website, which regular readers will be familiar with, he might even drop the joke with a straight face and run the risk that newbies and outsiders might take him seriously.
EXAMPLE: “Turned off by cunnilingus? Eh, a lot of guys don’t dig that. Who the hell knows what’s going on down there… it’s a scary place.”
But not our Ace. Like the kid who gets so wrapped up in the game of Truth or Dare that he blurts out the sort of truth he should keep to himself… “I like dressing up in my mom’s underwear!”… Ace doesn’t really understand the game. He comes up with a clever reference and embellishes it with bizarre, graphic, disgusting detail that no one who actually enjoys the female body would ever dream up in a million years.
Then, naturally, he backpedals and tries to insult people who didn’t *get* the joke. You know, Ace, I’d wager that nearly everyone understood that you were TRYING to be funny. Just like Dan Savage was trying to be funny when he made a similar comment a while back. Except, um, Dan Savage is gay.
We’re laughing, because your joke revealed more about you than you wanted to reveal. The joke’s on you, homes.
MCH said,
April 26, 2007 at 22:32
Like oh, m’God. This is, like,totally tubular, ya know, right?
a different brad said,
April 26, 2007 at 22:32
Ace, since you’re lurking, here’s something simple enough for you to understand; if you have to repeatedly assert you’re not gay, and you’re not in high school or a frat, you are almost certainly gay.
It’s ok. Admitting it to yourself will likely make you much less angry at the world around you.
Mehitabel the Abyssinian said,
April 26, 2007 at 22:33
Yo there, Ganesh Bengal Cat.
What do you call a large, spotted cat who’s daft enough to keep walking into those booby-trapped boxes for the Schrodinger’s Cat experiments?
.
.
.
A Jeopard.
.
.
.
.It was a joke, OK?
a different brad said,
April 26, 2007 at 22:35
* or sporting events, many bars, areas of the South, etc.
Not here, is my point.
J— said,
April 26, 2007 at 22:42
Meanwhile, back at the HQ, Ace has been scribbling furiously.
Klein's Tiny Left Nut said,
April 26, 2007 at 22:49
I think Ace needs one o’ them women without the scary lady parts like I seen in some of my e-mails. He’d be used to working with the equipment.
J— said,
April 26, 2007 at 22:50
Also, I took up Ace’s suggestion and googled his site for “cunnilingus.” The search shows the term appears in one previous post, a 12/15/05 entry entitled “Anderson Cooper: My Mother is a Dirty, Dirty Whore.” Ace will have to explain whether or not he was using irony, for I’m too dense to discern.
Righteous Bubba said,
April 26, 2007 at 22:57
Also, I took up Ace’s suggestion
Me too. I got 144 hits on vagina fear. Okay, up to about the first 20 or 30 maybe it’s an in-joke, but further is a pathology.
Those poor Sadly, No! boys have an extreme one with “Sadly, No!” but fortunately I dunno what the fuck it adds up to.
a cranny mint said,
April 26, 2007 at 22:58
My question to Ace is - do your readers realize that you are joking? I see that excuse all the time used by the same people whenever they are called on some outrageous comment or other. (see Rush Limbaugh). If most of your readers respond to the comment as if it was truly serious then I say the joke defense is a little thin.
The Velvet Blog said,
April 26, 2007 at 23:03
Ace gets 22,000 hits a day? Who the heck is reading him, other than those looking for laughs?
Ganesh Bengal Cat said,
April 26, 2007 at 23:04
Mehitabel, you are SO not my bgf any more.
I walked into the booby-trapped box ONCE. One. Time. Well, twice, tops. That I can remember.
And there was absolutely nothing going on and nothing to eat, so I screamed until the handmaiden came and got me out. And she didn’t have her specs on, and she said she wasn’t going to be Teh Observer. Whatever that is. I don’t think I need one, so long as I have a handmaiden to open the tins and clean the litter pans.
You’d think that Schrodinger dude would have been smart enough to figure out that: 1. Put cat in box with NOTHING TO EAT and NO TOYS, not even catnips, and no litter pan, 2. Cat yells fucking head off, thus proving…whatever, 3. Get the fucking cat out of the fucking box, looser! 4. Duh!
Qetesh is way prettier than you, btw. Especially since her fur grew back. And she does not tell jokes that are NOT FUNNY.
PS I am also NOT GAY. Whatever that is. This weird Ace dude seems to think it’s bad, so unless it has something to do with trying to hump my sister every chance I get, I’m not gay.
And jokes about ‘eating pussy’ are totally NOT FUNNY EITHER. So just stop. Or I will FUCK Y’ALL’S shit UP, do you hear me?
I mean it. I will BREAK things! Don’t make me come over there.
Ooooh, salmon for lunch. Laters!
benrand said,
April 26, 2007 at 23:07
I haven’t seen this kind of a sexual witch hunt since Ken STarr.
Good job nutbars. Always prying into the private sexual lives of people, huh.
Ever ask yourself why you are more puritanical than Kenny?
Smiling Mortician said,
April 26, 2007 at 23:11
Captain Annoying, for future reference, I would prefer not to read “skid,” “vaginaphobia,” “whiff,” and “Pasty” in the same sentence. Thank you.
a different brad said,
April 26, 2007 at 23:13
*giggles*
I like you, benrand. You give good troll. Less is more.
mikey said,
April 26, 2007 at 23:16
“Hey Skid” I hollered back down the hill, “as soon as you get over your vaginaphobia, get up here and take a big whiff of this - I swear it’ll make you a little less Pasty”….
mikey
Lesley said,
April 26, 2007 at 23:19
So Ace, let me get this straight.
As far as you’re concerned, vaginas are wonderful and cunnilingus is better than chocolate (if you’re a chocolate man).
(I haven’t seen you say this yet, only “it was a joke!”.)