Apr
21

More Alyssa Milano




Posted at 17:41 by Brad

I swear I’m not stalking Alyssa Milano. Really.


Hubba-hubba. Have I mentioned she likes baseball? And she blogs?

It’s just that MSN’s front page featured the 10 Things You Don’t Know About Women article she wrote for Esquire, and I simply *had* to check it out. For each one of her ten things I don’t know about women, I’m going to list things that women already know about men, but desperately want to pretend aren’t real. Let’s giddy:

1. Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it’s a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy.

Yeah, that’s not a healthy thing, Alyssa. No sane women should look in the mirror and see Dafydd ab H… uh, on second thought, I’m not gonna go there.

Oh, and as for Something You Already Know About Men, But Desperately Want to Pretend Isn’t Real:

1.) We think about our balls. A lot. I’ve even named mine Joseph and Pinky. Sometimes, when nobody’s home, I’ll get a magic marker and start drawing faces on them an… uh, I think I’ve said too much about this. Next:

2. Women produce half the world’s food but own only 1 percent of its farmland. So we’re ï¬?ne with you picking up the tab. And after about three thousand dinners at Nobu, we should be even.

2.) Men hate picking up the tab. And it isn’t because we can’t afford to pay for your food; it’s because we’re cheap.

3. Women like porn, too. We just hate it when you hide the porn.

3.) The reason men hide porn from their girlfriends/wives is because we know you like porn. See, porn for men is our way of staying faithful to our lovers even while we’re imagining we’re freaky-freaking with other women. Men are biologically designed to cheat*; I hate to tell you, but we are, and it’s not at all a reflection on the woman we’re with. It’s what the film The Tao of Steve referred to as “Male Insanity Syndrome,” that no matter how cool and beautiful a girl is, there’s something inside our brain that wonders if we could do just a little bit better.

4. Women remember everything . Don’t believe me? Ask your girlfriend where you met. She won’t tell you it was at a party. She’ll say it was a Thursday, she had just come from dinner, where she ate a veggie burger, and she was wearing her friend Cathy’s pink top, which was big on her because Cathy is a big girl. You were wearing a blue button-down, drinking a Jack and Coke with two straws, and talking to Bill, that mutual friend. She waved and you gave her the “what’s up” nod. This still infuriates her. (“How could you give me the nod?”)

Ooooh, trust me, I am well aware of women’s amazing memories. Most of the girls I’ve dated would spend post-sex time discussing shit they did with their bestest girlfriends when they were seven years old. And when I’m just like, “I WANNA SLEEEEEEEP!!” they’d be like, “So then we went sledding, and I was wearing pink snowpants, and she wore an orange hat, and then we went to the biggest hill in town, and I grew up in a small town in the midwest, so there weren’t a lot of hills, and it didn’t even snow that much, so it was so so so super-exciting for us and…” And I’m like, “GRRRROOGAGAT!!! JUST DONKEY-PUNCH ME AND KNOCK ME THE HELL OUT!!!”

I have a very paranoid theory about women and sex. It goes like this: basically, women spend all day just itching to tell someone about the sledding adventure they had with their best friend Jenny all those years ago. But they can’t tell their other girlfriends, because that would make them want to talk about their own sledding adventures they had with their best friend Suzy, and that’s no good. So, they need to find someone who is completely helpess and has no choice but to sit there and listen. Their boyfriends will always turn on sports or try to change the subject, so they have to wait until their men are in a completely docile state and unwilling to move… and that only comes after sex. The minute the man finishes and tries to roll over for sleep… THAT’S THE PERFECT TIME TO POUNCE.

Paranoid? Well, yeah. But you’re talking to the guy who thinks the Swedish government is trying to kidnap him to steal the pot of gold he has stashed in his pancreas.

Oh, and before I forget:

4.) Men just wanna go to sleep after sex. We’re exhausted, aaaaaaaaight?

5. An eyelash curler, while mean and ferocious looking, is not a weapon.

5.) We fear the eyelash curler because it looks like it could be used to rip out our pubes in a fit of rage.

6. No matter how much your woman loves you, there are going to be three to seven days each month when she wants you dead. (She may even quietly fantasize about turning her eyelash curler against you.)

See! I knew it! Proof! Proof!!

You have two options: Tie yourself to a tree and wait out the storm, or stock up at Tiffany’s, toss a blue box or two into the wind, and hope for the best. We recommend the latter. (The key chain doesn’t count.)

6.) When women freak out like that, we spend five days holed up in our friends’ basements watching Airwolf reruns.

7. We think it’s weird when you watch sports and concentrate to help your team.

7.) What’s weirder is that it actually works. I spent Game Seven of the 2004 ALCS suspended naked upsidedown from my ceiling, watching the TV on mute with Ravi Shankar playing on loop in the background. I needn’t tell you how well that turned out.

8. “Hey, Melissa, who’s the boss?” Not a good pickup line. “Hey, Phoebe, where’d you park your broomstick?” Not a good pickup line. “Hey, Alyssa, you look 250 pounds lighter than Brian Dennehy in that dress.” Surprisingly good pickup line.

“Hey Alyssa, I’m a blogger who gets in trouble for calling David Horowitz sexist nicknames and for making insensitive fat jokes. Wanna join me for dinner at Taco Bell tonight?”

8.) I don’t know why men think pickup lines work. I really don’t. And I’ve been a man for 27 fricking years.

9. Women hear better than men. That’s before you even factor in listening skills and attention spans. Come to think of it, I should have listed this one ï¬?rst because I’m sure I’ve lost you by now.

Wait, what was that? Oh yeah, dress looks fine on you. Yeah.

Also:

9.) Men suck at listening.

10. You may be surprised to know that women were responsible for inventing all of the following: the circular saw, the signal flare, the space suit, the bulletproof vest, and the windshield wiper. You’re welcome.

10.) Men are simple, stupid creatures who can be kept happy with varying combinations of beer, food, sex and sports. That’s just about all we need. Don’t try to make things too complicated. We enjoy being simpletons.

*Incidentally, I have never cheated once. Really and truly. But I know that after you start dating someone for more than three months, your biology kicks in and prods you to start looking around for different mates. It’s utterly bizarre, but that’s how we’re designed.

98 Comments »

  1. Simba B. said,

    April 21, 2007 at 17:53

    See, this is one of those times I’m glad I’m gay. I was thinking of writing a post along these lines the other day…only it would have been “Top 10 advantages of having a boyfriend”.

  2. ifthethunderdontgetya®©³² said,

    April 21, 2007 at 18:00

    “Hey, Melissa, who’s the boss?� Not a good pickup line.

    Sheeeeeeeeeeeeit!

  3. Duros62 said,

    April 21, 2007 at 18:23

    One thing she left out: women’s innate desire to change a man’s behavior.
    Na ga happen.
    Men are more like dogs. You can train us, but you can’t change us.
    Why can’t they get that?

    Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

  4. darrelplant said,

    April 21, 2007 at 18:27

    I think about “out balls” all the time, especially if I’m wearing short shorts commando-style.

  5. The Hon. Dr. St. Rev. Bradley S. Rocket, Esq, PhD, MD said,

    April 21, 2007 at 18:37

    NEENER NEENER NEENER! I FIXED MY MISTAKE! NOW YOUR JOKE MAKES NO SENSE!!!

  6. D. Cloyce Smith said,

    April 21, 2007 at 18:39

    See, this is one of those times I’m glad I’m gay.

    Simba: For a while, I thought that straight people might make interesting pets, but after reading this post I’ve become convinced it’s easier sticking with chinchillas.

  7. The Hon. Dr. St. Rev. Bradley S. Rocket, Esq, PhD, MD said,

    April 21, 2007 at 18:42

    Dag, how many gay male readers do we have? :-)

    I swear, it’s like we’re the Cher of the blogosphere or somethin’…

  8. D. Cloyce Smith said,

    April 21, 2007 at 18:53

    Dag, how many gay male readers do we have? :-)

    According to the Top-Secret Gay Manifesto, we’re supposed to be here to recruit, but I’m still pissed off at the Yankees so I’m taking a day off.

  9. AkaDad said,

    April 21, 2007 at 18:58

    I swear I’m not stalking Alyssa Milano. Really.

    Then how do you explain the restraining order?

  10. The Hon. Dr. St. Rev. Bradley S. Rocket, Esq, PhD, MD said,

    April 21, 2007 at 18:58

    According to the Top-Secret Gay Manifesto, we’re supposed to be here to recruit, but I’m still pissed off at the Yankees so I’m taking a day off.

    Have you guys made A-Rod “a true Yankee” yet? Have you actually realized that he is in fact a better player than Scott Brosius was?

  11. The Hon. Dr. St. Rev. Bradley S. Rocket, Esq, PhD, MD said,

    April 21, 2007 at 18:59

    Then how do you explain the restraining order?

    Hey, she was the one stalking ME, pal!!

  12. Righteous Bubba said,

    April 21, 2007 at 19:03

    According to the Top-Secret Gay Manifesto, we’re supposed to be here to recruit

    I’ve had enough hetero collateral droolage on me. I’m in.

  13. Hysterical Woman said,

    April 21, 2007 at 19:07

    Number 1 is sadly true, though. I’m not sure if number two is right, but I’m afraid it is, and I wouldn’t mind a free meal as long as the guy doesn’t think he’s “buying me”. On porn, I will always believe I am the only woman who looks at porn. As for the rest, it’s just “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” shit. I don’t freaking have an eyelasher curler!

  14. D. Cloyce Smith said,

    April 21, 2007 at 19:11

    I’ve had enough hetero collateral droolage on me. I’m in.

    It’s easy–and fun! There are only 69 steps to becoming a gay man (51 for lesbiands), and at the end of the process you’ll be entitled to find out where we hid all the WMDs.

    First step: Ask Brad to borrow one of his Cher albums…

  15. D. Cloyce Smith said,

    April 21, 2007 at 19:19

    Have you actually realized that he is in fact a better player than Scott Brosius was?

    There really is nothing more unbearable than a Red Sox fan the day after his team has won a game.

    Fortunately, those moments occur with decreasing frequency as the season progresses.

  16. M.Sphinx said,

    April 21, 2007 at 19:21

    MOAR.

  17. The Hon. Dr. St. Rev. Bradley S. Rocket, Esq, PhD, MD said,

    April 21, 2007 at 19:23

    Answer the question. Last year, my Yankee fan friends were pissing and moaning about A-Rod and saying they wished he was a “gritty, clutch” guy like Brosius was. I laughed in their faces and showed ‘em A-Rod’s OPS+, EQA, VORP, WARP3, etc. compared with Brosius’. “But he was a winnah!” they replied.

    So, back to the question: is A-Rod a “True Yankee” now?

  18. Brando said,

    April 21, 2007 at 19:26

    The greatest thing about the move from short shorts to long shorts is the reduction of Testicular Exposure Syndrome. These days, you’re pretty safe unless you’re wearing jogging shorts, are trying to fit in on some beach in Greece, or have elephantiasis of the testicles.

    And Esquire is a great mag to get. The subscription is really cheap and there’s always at least a few things that make me laugh.

  19. D. Cloyce Smith said,

    April 21, 2007 at 19:30

    Answer: I’m probably not the one to ask. Having gone to hgh school and college in Seattle (I have a residual fondness for the ever-losing Mariners) and having lived in New York for many years, I’ve been one of A-Rod’s fans for a long time. He’s a great player, and I’ve considered him a “True Mariner” and a “True Yankee.”

    But most wouldn’t consider me a “True Yankee fan” because of my own still-divided allegiances.

  20. kingubu said,

    April 21, 2007 at 19:34

    Alyssa Milano… pffft.

    ROSARIO.
    DAWSON.

  21. mikey said,

    April 21, 2007 at 19:42

    My big sister had a boyfriend back in the eighties she said would do a bunch of coke and dress his penis up in womens clothing an call it by his ex wifes name. Up until this morning, I thought that was the weirdest genital behavior in the world. Thanks brad. If I’m ever at your house and need to make a note, I’m holding out for crayons…

    mikey

  22. mikey said,

    April 21, 2007 at 19:44

    Oh, and while you guys are picking and grinning about the sox/yanks, the giants are on a tear and have a chance to get to .500 today. I’m tellin ya, by the time I see Arod and the boys at ATT-by-the-bay, Bochy’s boys are gonna have the best record in MLB!!!

    mikey

  23. Righteous Bubba said,

    April 21, 2007 at 19:45

    First step: Ask Brad to borrow one of his Cher albums…

    Brad, can I borrow one of your Cher albums?

  24. Dr. Squid said,

    April 21, 2007 at 20:03

    She doesn’t really like baseball. She likes the Dodgers.

  25. Mary Jones said,

    April 21, 2007 at 20:13

    She doesn’t really like baseball. She likes the Dodgers.

    My 83-year-old stepfather from Brooklyn is still bitter.

  26. His Grace said,

    April 21, 2007 at 20:15

    I thought you had to be infected by teh gay, like it was some sort of contagious virus or something that could only be stopped by prayer and or hitting pillows. Or is Cher some sort of computer virus that can infect your soul like something out of a sci-fi movie?

  27. The Hon. Dr. St. Rev. Bradley S. Rocket, Esq, PhD, MD said,

    April 21, 2007 at 20:18

    D. Cloyce Smith- that was a smart answer. It’s obvious you haven’t yet been infected by the dumb-assery of the NY POST and the Daily News. Keep away at all costs :-)

    She doesn’t really like baseball. She likes the Dodgers.

    Ehn. Whatev. It’s still cool.

  28. D. Cloyce Smith said,

    April 21, 2007 at 20:25

    It’s obvious you haven’t yet been infected by the dumb-assery of the NY POST and the Daily News.

    Not a chance. That’s a paper I wouldn’t pick up with a foot-long pair of tongs.

    As for the Daily News: it’s published by a Canadian named Mort. Mort. ’nuff said.

  29. Righteous Bubba said,

    April 21, 2007 at 20:31

    Or is Cher some sort of computer virus that can infect your soul like something out of a sci-fi movie?

    Yes. Listen to Eddie Vedder. Listen to Cher.

    Cher will infect you too.

  30. D. Cloyce Smith said,

    April 21, 2007 at 20:33

    Bubba–here’s step 2:

    Insert Cher CD into your computer and allow the virus to infect your soul.

  31. ifthethunderdontgetya®©³² said,

    April 21, 2007 at 20:42

    I used to buy the NY Post back in the day. It had late box scores, and they were organized better than the Daily Nooze.

    But there came a time when I finally decided that even a quarter was more than that evil bastard Rupert Murdoch should get from me.

  32. ifthethunderdontgetya®©³² said,

    April 21, 2007 at 21:26

    P.S. Victoria Wulsin is over at FDL.

    I’m really hoping she knocks off Mean Jean this year. I contributed to Dr. Wulsin in 2006, and did so again today.

  33. ecostudent said,

    April 21, 2007 at 21:28

    10.) Men are simple, stupid creatures who can be kept happy with varying combinations of beer, food, sex and sports. That’s just about all we need. Don’t try to make things too complicated. We enjoy being simpletons.

    I kept trying to tell my ex that, I guess she didn’t believe me.

    Damn that photo is hawt

  34. ecostudent said,

    April 21, 2007 at 21:33

    Jeebus. I looked at that photo again. If she ever walked up to me and asked a simple question I would be a gibbering mass of idiocy.

  35. Col. Klink said,

    April 21, 2007 at 21:35

    I’m sorry, what’s all the fuss about here? She looks kind of like an average Romanian chick to me. I see at least a 100 of those on the streets of Bucharest on a daily basis. I know those of us with XY chromosones are kind of spoilt over here, but what ya gonna do?

  36. mikey said,

    April 21, 2007 at 21:46

    That’s it. I’m canceling Fiji this year and heading for Romania on vacation…

    mikey

  37. Brian Link said,

    April 21, 2007 at 22:15

    Simba:

    Just curious, do you think Alyssa’s attractive? I had a long chat with a couple of my gay friends about the glory that is Scarlett Johannson. They could see it. The same way they could see that I had a man-crush on Tom Cruise in Top-Gun.

    It’s so refreshing to hear that a star like Alyssa has a brain. And my wife and I are still laughing about the essay, and sending it to friends. “6. No matter how much your woman loves you, there are going to be three to seven days each month when she wants you dead.”

    ROFL!!!

  38. Col. Klink said,

    April 21, 2007 at 22:17

    mikey, the funny thing is I shit you not. She looks just like my sister-in-law in that photo, and my sister-in-law isn’t anywhere near hot by Romanian standards!

  39. grampaw said,

    April 21, 2007 at 22:30

    I realize you’re under a lot of stress and all, Brad, and that baseball is scrambling your brains a little, but next time, how’s about just a link to a photo of that T-shirt with the ten ways a beer is better than a woman printed on it?

    It would be less squirm-making, I think.

  40. Some Guy said,

    April 21, 2007 at 22:33

    Ehhhhh, I dunno. Something about Alyssa just kinda drives me away from her. But I’m glad you found a new stalk-buddy, Brad. And remember, telephoto lenses trump 100-yard court ordered restrictions.

    “So we’re ï¬?ne with you picking up the tab. And after about three thousand dinners at Nobu, we should be even.”

    New Law: All woman must provide photo-documentation and notarized proof that they grew up working on soybean farms in Montana for this to apply. If she can somehow prove that she was directly involved in the growing of foodstuffs needed to make Oreos, I’ll be more then happy to pay for her McFlurry.

  41. ecostudent said,

    April 21, 2007 at 22:58

    fukkin hell, I need to get to Romania!

  42. Lesley said,

    April 21, 2007 at 23:05

    9.) Men suck at listening.

    Which explains the state of the planet. You could change, you could.

    As for her list. I hate lists that generalize about who and what all women (or all men) or all cows are. Hate hate hate. Whoever invented those (some woman’s mag, some men’s mag to fill pages between advertisements) should die.

    I didn’t remember the first time we’d met. He did.

    I am hard of hearing, because of loud headphone syndrome.

    I don’t get PMS.

    #11. Feministe would have a field day with Brad involving tar and feathers. I’ll buy a ticket.

  43. ecostudent said,

    April 21, 2007 at 23:13

    From Red Green – The Man’s Prayer:

    “I’m a man, but I can change…if I have to…I guess.”

  44. ¡El Gato Negro! said,

    April 21, 2007 at 23:28

    ¿Ees Sr. BradRocket channeling hees eener Dowd?

    ¿Deed joo get complaints that the site was “too political” and “needed broader appeal”?

    ¿What geeves?

  45. Kathleen said,

    April 21, 2007 at 23:28

    amen Lesley, amen.

    and that shit about cheating Brad is utter crap.

  46. Some Guy said,

    April 21, 2007 at 23:37

    Haha!
    “From Red Green – The Man’s Prayer:
    “I’m a man, but I can change…if I have to…I guess.â€? ”

    Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati

    And since Lesley mentioned it, only something like 1 in 4 woman actually get real PMS.

  47. Lesley said,

    April 21, 2007 at 23:45

    The “we’re simple” excuse for boorish behaviour is about done, too.

    Planet’s tired.

    Is my inner feminist showing?

  48. ecostudent said,

    April 22, 2007 at 0:04

    Some Guy – Keep your stick on the ice!

    Now that my Wild are done, I am rooting for the Senators – The cup needs to go back to Canada (and this is from a yank – but I am 6 miles from the border).

  49. Auguste said,

    April 22, 2007 at 0:08

    Men are biologically designed to cheat

    Bullshit. Oh, I’m not denying that there exists an anti-monogamy impulse, I’m just denying that it’s gender-based.

  50. Simba B. said,

    April 22, 2007 at 0:15

    Brian: I can see what others find attractive, sure, just not my cup of tea, s’all.

    And for the record: I don’t like Cher, neither does my boyfriend or any of our friends. I do think I live in some kind of alternate gay universe, though, sometimes….

  51. Brad R. said,

    April 22, 2007 at 1:29

    The “we’re simple� excuse for boorish behaviour is about done, too.

    Oh, JESUS CHRIST, guys. I’m poking fun at men throughout this whole post and you’re gonna accuse me of being a woman-hater? WTF?

  52. mikey said,

    April 22, 2007 at 1:32

    Well, I read on twisty’s site you hate all women, and want to oppress them for all eternity. Also, in addition to being a nasty MAN, you’re white, and college educated. You pretty much suck, brad, and we’re all onto you now. You should just go ahead and change your name to Brad MisogyRocket….

    mikey

  53. Brad R. said,

    April 22, 2007 at 1:32

    Bullshit. Oh, I’m not denying that there exists an anti-monogamy impulse, I’m just denying that it’s gender-based.

    Not strictly, no. But men and women tend to cheat for different reasons.

  54. Djur said,

    April 22, 2007 at 2:02

    But I know that after you start dating someone for more than three months, your biology kicks in and prods you to start looking around for different mates. It’s utterly bizarre, but that’s how we’re designed.

    Uh huh. You know, the issue is that a lot of us are really and truly and justifiably sick of gender-based, evo-psych just-so stories about Why Men and Women are Different. What’s more, the excuse is always “poking fun at men.” Alyssa would say she’s “poking fun at women.”

    The only sane response to the quoted article and all articles like it is “for fuck’s sake, we’re the same fucking species, our fucking brains are essentially the same, and if our fucking culture allowed us to interact as equals outside carefully delimited realms, fucking lists like this would be recognized as the inane, untrue pap they are. Fuck.”

    Lesley, there’s no reason for the feminist to be merely inner.

  55. Sadly, No! » A quick point said,

    April 22, 2007 at 2:04

    [...] more likable, less likable, as likable? Let’s start over here this time. « More Alyssa Milano [...]

  56. The Hon. Dr. St. Rev. Bradley S. Rocket, Esq, PhD, MD said,

    April 22, 2007 at 2:10

    You know, the issue is that a lot of us are really and truly and justifiably sick of gender-based, evo-psych just-so stories about Why Men and Women are Different. What’s more, the excuse is always “poking fun at men.� Alyssa would say she’s “poking fun at women.�

    And I don’t see what’s wrong with it. A lot of humor is based on stereotypes. And when you’re making fun of your own gender, I don’t see what the problem is. I mean, you might as well get upset at Woody Allen for making all those jokes about Jewish people.

  57. Luna said,

    April 22, 2007 at 2:10

    The “we’re simple� excuse for boorish behaviour is about done, too.

    Oh, JESUS CHRIST, guys. I’m poking fun at men throughout this whole post and you’re gonna accuse me of being a woman-hater? WTF?

    Where does this say ‘women hater’?

    I really bloody hate these generalization things. They perpetuate stereotypes and are generally just full of shit.

    I especially hate the ‘men are biologically designed to cheat’ thing. We’ll never agree on that one. But that’s okay. We’ll never agree on sports either. *grin*

  58. Righteous Bubba said,

    April 22, 2007 at 2:11

    I’m looking forward to the thread about Driving Habits of Various Races.

  59. Candy said,

    April 22, 2007 at 2:14

    When I was younger, i cheated a LOT. As far as I know none of my boyfriends cheated on me. I never saw any reason why if there was a hot guy and I could get away with it, I shouldn’t have the pleasure of his company. It wasn’t for some ditzy reason like “I’m not getting enough attention at home, he’s always with the guys blah blah blah”. It was, simply, “this guy’s cute and funny, I want to date him”. (Disclaimer: I am sorry about being such a shit.)

    I can’t stand women who write crap like that. I’m with Lesley on the generalizations thing. FFS, I have PMS that is really more like PMPsychosis, I literally stop functioning for about four days a month from the combination of physical and psychological symptoms, and if I didn’t have my nurturing, caring partner, I’d suffer a hell of a lot more than I do. And he sews and can fix anything. I can’t sew a button on my shirt, despite taking sewing in school. Gender stereotypes are stupid. What’s next, girls can’t drive? Blondes are dumb?

    That being said, I love Red Green. :)

  60. The Hon. Dr. St. Rev. Bradley S. Rocket, Esq, PhD, MD said,

    April 22, 2007 at 2:14

    I especially hate the ‘men are biologically designed to cheat’ thing.

    OK, I clearly struck a raw nerve on that one. Explain your position. I’m more than willing to listen.

    I really bloody hate these generalization things. They perpetuate stereotypes and are generally just full of shit.

    Well yeah, they are. That’s why I was having fun with it by making my own about men.

  61. Djur said,

    April 22, 2007 at 2:22

    When it comes to the sexual politics of Everybody Loves Raymond, the men are as bad as the women.

  62. sarah said,

    April 22, 2007 at 2:23

    huh. i like alyssa a little more than i thought. and i like the hon.dr.rev. pretty much too. i like boys and i like girls. not in the same way. but they are all pretty stupid and great.

  63. ceezee said,

    April 22, 2007 at 2:44

    I especially hate the ‘men are biologically designed to cheat’ thing.

    OK, I clearly struck a raw nerve on that one. Explain your position. I’m more than willing to listen.

    As far as I know, we hate it because idiot-men (which isn’t all of them) use it as an excuse for their inexcusable behavior. Like whoever-that-was said, I’m sure there’s some sort of compulsion for various people to cheat, but to say that it’s “biologically designed” in all men means that we don’t have the right to complain about it or assume we deserve better.

    Also, it’s really kind of man-hating to say that. How many times have I gotten the “you’re a woman; I can’t expect that much from you anyway” line thrown at me? This is exactly the same towards men: “You’re a man, so I shouldn’t expect that much. You couldn’t do better if you tried.”

    And THAT’S why it’s stupid.

  64. Qetesh the Abyssinian said,

    April 22, 2007 at 2:47

    Hey, I laughed. Admittedly, I was at the time busy constructing a voodoo doll of Missy Alyssy, because there’s enough beautiful women in the world without them being funny too.

    I also checked out the other “10 things about women”, and found some laughable stuff. I liked a couple from Julia Louis Dreyfuss.

    And Braddy-baby, I knew you weren’t serious. Rest easy.

    Mikey, if you’re looking for another hot holiday destination, try Korea. Before I went, I was told that Korea was ” the land where the women are beautiful, and the men…(significant pause) aren’t”. Well, you wouldn’t believe it. The streets are full of gorgeous Korean babes (sadly often teetering on spiky heels): Seoul positively seethes with them. The thing about the men wasn’t quite true: there were some lovely beefy young men in their uniforms at the airport (they do national service, in a variety of services). And as a friend of mine says “They grow ‘em big up north…”.

    Oh, and for the record, I don’t own eyelash curlers or power tools.

  65. Lesley said,

    April 22, 2007 at 2:49

    Human beings would be much better off under a matriarchal system. Like the elephants have.

    Male elephants copulate with many females over their life time but it matters not one iota to any female because females aren’t dependent on males for their survival. They drive the show. Closely related females live together in herds for life (daughters, aunts, nieces, moms, grannies). They share the child raising duties. Males are raised by the females until they are ready to become independent (anywhere from 10 to 19 years of age) and then they’re mentored by adult males who live independently of the herds. Adult bulls teach the younger males manners, as well as survival skills. It’s quite a beautiful thing.

    Everyone’s well adjusted. You never see the big powerful males (they can be twice the size of adult females) going all batshit crazy dominant on any female. They’d get their asses kicked.

    If I could come back and be any animal I wanted, I’d choose to be an elephant.

    What’s more, the females regard younger independent males with disdain. A bull elephant can’t easily get laid when he’s young. The females prefer the mature bulls. Heh.

  66. The Hon. Dr. St. Rev. Bradley S. Rocket, Esq, PhD, MD said,

    April 22, 2007 at 2:53

    As far as I know, we hate it because idiot-men (which isn’t all of them) use it as an excuse for their inexcusable behavior.

    Ah, OK, that’s a VERY fair point.

    I did not mean to imply that men should use their biological tendencies/temptations as an excuse to be assholes. I think that men (generally speaking, again, don’t take this to be an absolute) have stronger sex drives, but that doesn’t give them an excuse to be disgusting horn-dogs. That clear?

    Also, it’s really kind of man-hating to say that.

    I’m just goofing on stereotypical male behavior is all. If you knew me in real life, and not in my Internets persona/character, you’d know I’m not a testosterone-fueled male who can’t control his actions. I have certain ridiculous stereotypical male TENDENCIES (i.e., I’m the goofiest moron in the world when I’m drinking and watching sports), and that’s what I’m riffing on.

  67. Lesley said,

    April 22, 2007 at 2:58

    Speaking of elephants, here is some recent unique footage of two captive elephants recently rescued by PAWS from a hideous concentration camp run by the Hawthorn corporation.

    Nicholas, at thirteen, is already much larger than any female but he’s not yet independent. (He probably will be soon, though.) Gypsy, his surrogate mom and close companion, is definitely the boss in the relationship, though she is nothing but affectionate with him. They are very closely bonded.

    There’s video (scroll to near the bottom) of Gypsy pushing past Nick and lifting him off his feet, as he tries to block her way. Nick can be distinguished by his tusks. Asian females don’t have tusks.

  68. The Hon. Dr. St. Rev. Bradley S. Rocket, Esq, PhD, MD said,

    April 22, 2007 at 3:03

    Lesley- elephants are cool. We do agree on that :-)

  69. Amanda Marcotte said,

    April 22, 2007 at 3:27

    Women’s lower rates of cheating correspond to our lower incomes. I firmly believe these are related. Cheating’s a temptation that’s somehow easier to resist if you’re going to lose your house if your husband catches you.

    But sure, men are just horny and women live to be filled emotionally through the penis.

  70. Amanda Marcotte said,

    April 22, 2007 at 3:28

    And not saying you “hate” women. Just, you know, women don’t talk about the wanna-hump-everything-in-sight feelings because we don’t get to have our lovers chuckle indulgently about how that’s just how we are.

  71. Twisted_Colour said,

    April 22, 2007 at 3:37

    “Top-Secret Gay Manifesto” = Protocols of the Meetings of the Learned Friends of Dorothy.

  72. Seanly said,

    April 22, 2007 at 3:53

    My wife keeps telling me who is on her “Exception List”. Alyssa, you just made mine.

    I’m a 39 year old liberal structural engineer. I should write a novel but instead I spend my free time either with my two dogs or playing Xbox 360. Oh, and I’m a little overweight. I do have a cute smile; it’s a smirk, but not an evil one like Bush’s. I also like porn.

  73. M. Bouffant said,

    April 22, 2007 at 4:05

    Alright, already, enough with the (sexual) politics, let’s get this thread back to baseball:
    Dr. Squid: “She doesn’t really like baseball. She likes the Dodgers.” Which MLB team currently (OK, it is only April 21st) has the best record in baseball? The only team over .700? Huh? Which one, huh? Might it be the Dodgers?
    mikey: Thanks to the boys in orange & black for keeping the Snakes from keeping up w/ the Trolley Dodgers. Let’s see how long Cap’t. ‘Roids keeps them going.
    I’ll send you the ‘photos of me enjoying the trim Ms. Milano’s season tix with her as soon as she googles herself, finds this thread, and has her people call my people to set up the dates.
    Dr. St. Rocket: Dodgers #1 or not, is there any way we could convince you to take back Frank (The Parking Lot Attendant) McCourt, in exchange for, well, anyone you got back there? Anyone at all?
    Back to sex: Is it cheating to sleep with your ex just once when your current squeeze is out of town?

  74. M. Bouffant said,

    April 22, 2007 at 4:08

    No, I swear, it was just that one time. Just once. Honest.

  75. montysano said,

    April 22, 2007 at 4:32

    And not saying you “hate� women. Just, you know, women don’t talk about the wanna-hump-everything-in-sight feelings because we don’t get to have our lovers chuckle indulgently about how that’s just how we are.

    Errr…. another broad and useless generalization. I’m married 25 years now, and I’d be way more generous than “chuckle indulgently” if confronted with some hump-everything-in-sight action.

  76. Dr Zen said,

    April 22, 2007 at 7:02

    Fuck this shit. Women are equal with men, fine. Women would be the same as men if it wasn’t for all this socially based gender nonsense? Well, no. We’re the same species but we are not the same. Why the fuck should we want to be? You know, it’s okay to be gay. It’s okay to just not be into sex. But it’s also okay to be attracted to the differences between us. Jeebus save us from the grey world Twisty would condemn us to.

  77. Steve J. said,

    April 22, 2007 at 7:34

    I spent Game Seven of the 2004 ALCS suspended naked upsidedown from my ceiling, watching the TV on mute with Ravi Shankar playing on loop in the background. I needn’t tell you how well that turned out.

    A night that will live in infamy.

  78. rachel said,

    April 22, 2007 at 10:33

    I have a very paranoid theory about women and sex. It goes like this: basically, women spend all day just itching to tell someone about the sledding adventure they had with their best friend Jenny all those years ago. But they can’t tell their other girlfriends, because that would make them want to talk about their own sledding adventures they had with their best friend Suzy, and that’s no good. So, they need to find someone who is completely helpess and has no choice but to sit there and listen. Their boyfriends will always turn on sports or try to change the subject, so they have to wait until their men are in a completely docile state and unwilling to move… and that only comes after sex. The minute the man finishes and tries to roll over for sleep… THAT’S THE PERFECT TIME TO POUNCE.

    This is what works for for my husband: make her come before you do, and she’ll forget all about Suzy and her goddamn sled. Problem solved.

  79. some nut said,

    April 22, 2007 at 15:25

    So, over on Amanda’s site, christians who deny or discount evolutionary sciences are nutjobs who pathetically cling to dogma rather than opening their eyes to empirical inquiry. However, when evolutionary science comes to conclusions that the dogma clinging feminists don’t like, they are applauded for clinging to outdated socialization science. The sex differences observed in every other species on earth is a product of nature, not nuture. Rats, fish, birds, do not have cultural practices that advantage one sex over the other — they are born different. Why is it so many people refuse to believe the same can be true of humans? Does human culture magnify and reinforce natural differences and even invent some? Yes, but one cannot deny that there are biological influences on behavior that create small but interesting differences between males and females.

    Elephants did not just dream up the maternalistic culture described in one post above, it is in-born, not a set of normative practices passed from generation to generation. And by the way, notice how that poster relishes in being able to tell the young studs to bugger off, not very nice to them, think of their self-esteem issues.

  80. Dan Someone said,

    April 22, 2007 at 15:51

    Lesley: Everyone’s well adjusted. You never see the big powerful males (they can be twice the size of adult females) going all batshit crazy dominant on any female. They’d get their asses kicked.

    Yeah, it’s a regular paradise being an elephant….

    Typically, females form groups comprising a number of families consisting of a mother, and her offspring of different ages. These separate and reform depending on current resources. Adult males on the other hand, separate from these family herds, and spend most of their time in the “bull areas”, which family groups typically avoid. This is an area, infrequently visited by the breeding herds, where elephant bulls spend much of their leisure time building up strength and sorting out the bull hierarchy; a sort of men’s club. As the bull feels the urge, or the rumblings of an upcoming musth period, he leaves the bull area in search of the herds and any mating opportunities.

    Within bull areas, males encounter each other, and fight over resources such as access to food and water. Bulls establish a dominance hierarchy based on size, with the larger bull being dominant over smaller ones. Musth males are more aggressive probably as a result of higher levels of testosterone, and most other males will avoid a musth bull. Musth changes an individual’s position in the hierarchy, and any bull that is in musth automatically becomes dominant to any bull that is not in musth. This is regardless of size, so that even a young bull can chase off a large patriarch. Musth bulls leave bull areas and move after female herds, seeking out a receptive female in oestrous. Receptive females are the ultimate resource and musth bulls encountering each other with the herd may fight to the death.

    Elephant males are able to reproduce from around their eighteenth birthday. However, it would be an extremely unusual event for a bull younger than 30 to mate with a female at the height of her oestrus. At all times there would be at least one large adult musth male with the herd about who would displace any young pretenders. In fact, older bulls that are in musth actually suppress the musth cycle of less dominant younger bulls to the extent that they will fall out of musth a few days. This results in a stable hierarchy of bull elephants, with the older more experienced bulls coming into musth for a full period of three to five months a year, and less dominant bulls being in musth for relatively shorter periods. The most subordinate bulls would be those that have just left the breeding herd, and those will not come into musth at all. Joyce Poole found that Amboseli bulls only enter a sustained period of musth at about 30. Up until then, although they will start musth, and will show a lot of the symptoms, younger bulls will not achieve full musth. A consequence of this hierarchy is that when a bull does actually enter musth he has the experience to cope with the circumstance of being cock-full of testosterone in the presence of a group of receptive females, and in a bunch of like-minded guys.

    Source: Musth and elephant SocietyArticle by: Rob Slotow and Gus van Dyk, University of Natal, Durban

  81. Little Raggedy Orphan Althouse said,

    April 22, 2007 at 16:06

    Gender stereotypes are stupid.

    That being said, I love Red Green.

    Brad, the solution is clear. Move to Canada, buy two sets of suspenders, mix ‘em up. Probbum solved!

    (Speaking of reinforcing stereotypes, Cinder Calhoun- Amanda…No jokes, please. We’re feminists.)

  82. Alyssa Milano » Alyssa Milano April 22, 2007 10:11 am said,

    April 22, 2007 at 16:16

    [...] Comment on More Alyssa Milano by rachel I have a very paranoid theory about women and sex. It goes like this: basically, women spend all day just itching to tell someone about the sledding adventure they had with their best friend Jenny all those years ago. … [...]

  83. Brad R. said,

    April 22, 2007 at 17:52

    This is what works for for my husband: make her come before you do, and she’ll forget all about Suzy and her goddamn sled. Problem solved.

    Touche. Very, very touche.

  84. Doodle Bean said,

    April 22, 2007 at 17:54

    Wow, Brad! You must be the bestest boyfriend EVAH!!!

    That must be what you got your sainthood for!

  85. AkaDad said,

    April 22, 2007 at 21:27

    Hmmmm, perhaps my post-coital stories about youthful paint-ball excursions weren’t as interesting as I once thought…

  86. Sadly, No! » Still MORE people who should not be paidto express their opinions said,

    April 22, 2007 at 21:45

    [...] I wanted to give mad props to the person who wrote the following awesome statement in response to my conspiracy theory about women and post-sex talking: This is what works for for my [...]

  87. Michael Harrington said,

    April 23, 2007 at 7:03

    She’s hot, she likes Baseball AND she’s over here on the sane side with the rest of us, politically (look it up if you doubt my veracity.)

    In short: she’s perfect.

  88. IM said,

    April 23, 2007 at 11:43

    One more reason why she is perfect: We were born on the some day.
    ( I still think this is a wink of fate :-) )

  89. spencer said,

    April 23, 2007 at 16:27

    Hey, Melissa, who’s the boss?� Not a good pickup line. “Hey, Phoebe, where’d you park your broomstick?� Not a good pickup line.

    Yeah, I wouldn’t want to be reminded of my participation in those two steaming piles of crap either.

    Lucky for me, I had nothing to do with them.

  90. spencer said,

    April 23, 2007 at 16:31

    That’s it. I’m canceling Fiji this year and heading for Romania on vacation…

    I had a *great* time in Romania last summer. Seriously.

  91. spencer said,

    April 23, 2007 at 16:41

    Errr…. another broad and useless generalization. I’m married 25 years now, and I’d be way more generous than “chuckle indulgently� if confronted with some hump-everything-in-sight action.

    Yeah, for someone who complains about broad and useless generalizations, Amanda certainly does generate enough of them on her own.

    I still find her to be worth reading, though.

  92. t4toby said,

    April 23, 2007 at 18:18

    If you aren’t pissing someone off, Brad, you aren’t close enough to the line…

    Sarcasm is the hardest form of humor to get right, but you know you’re close when some people believe you are serious…

    BTW- I’ll stand in for the tar and featherin’. That sounds hot.

  93. x_eleven said,

    April 23, 2007 at 21:17

    “The sex differences observed in every other species on earth is a product of nature, not nuture. Rats, fish, birds, do not have cultural practices that advantage one sex over the other — they are born different. Why is it so many people refuse to believe the same can be true of humans?”

    Comes way too close to animal instinct, and a reminder that humans are basically animals, and not some godly race of super beings.

  94. JackNYC said,

    April 24, 2007 at 1:09

    “We think it’s weird when you watch sports and concentrate to help your team.”

    I am personally responsible for making the ball Mookie Wilson hit go through Bill Buckner’s gimpy peg-legs.

    There. Now the whole world knows.

  95. ifthethunderdontgetya®©³² said,

    April 24, 2007 at 3:14

    JackNYC, me and my friends were also concentrating. Don’t kick us to the curb!

  96. reeney said,

    July 11, 2007 at 13:48

    Best of Africa tours and Kenya lodge safaris including budget camping safaris in kenya, tanzania safaris & uganda gorilla treks; budget camping holidays in East Africa, beach holidays in Mombasa,Lamu and Zanzibar; lakeside homestays & culture around Lake Victoria.

  97. melissa the boss said,

    September 16, 2007 at 15:15

    I think “hey melissa, who’s the boss” is a great pickup line!

  98. Edward Miller said,

    September 25, 2007 at 8:03

    We Review the Top Breast Enhancing Pills & tell you what really works.

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