I swear I’m not stalking Alyssa Milano. Really.
Hubba-hubba. Have I mentioned she likes baseball? And she blogs?
It’s just that MSN’s front page featured the 10 Things You Don’t Know About Women article she wrote for Esquire, and I simply *had* to check it out. For each one of her ten things I don’t know about women, I’m going to list things that women already know about men, but desperately want to pretend aren’t real. Let’s giddy:
1. Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it’s a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy.
Yeah, that’s not a healthy thing, Alyssa. No sane women should look in the mirror and see Dafydd ab H… uh, on second thought, I’m not gonna go there.
Oh, and as for Something You Already Know About Men, But Desperately Want to Pretend Isn’t Real:
1.) We think about our balls. A lot. I’ve even named mine Joseph and Pinky. Sometimes, when nobody’s home, I’ll get a magic marker and start drawing faces on them an… uh, I think I’ve said too much about this. Next:
2. Women produce half the world’s food but own only 1 percent of its farmland. So we’re ï¬?ne with you picking up the tab. And after about three thousand dinners at Nobu, we should be even.
2.) Men hate picking up the tab. And it isn’t because we can’t afford to pay for your food; it’s because we’re cheap.
3. Women like porn, too. We just hate it when you hide the porn.
3.) The reason men hide porn from their girlfriends/wives is because we know you like porn. See, porn for men is our way of staying faithful to our lovers even while we’re imagining we’re freaky-freaking with other women. Men are biologically designed to cheat*; I hate to tell you, but we are, and it’s not at all a reflection on the woman we’re with. It’s what the film The Tao of Steve referred to as “Male Insanity Syndrome,” that no matter how cool and beautiful a girl is, there’s something inside our brain that wonders if we could do just a little bit better.
4. Women remember everything . Don’t believe me? Ask your girlfriend where you met. She won’t tell you it was at a party. She’ll say it was a Thursday, she had just come from dinner, where she ate a veggie burger, and she was wearing her friend Cathy’s pink top, which was big on her because Cathy is a big girl. You were wearing a blue button-down, drinking a Jack and Coke with two straws, and talking to Bill, that mutual friend. She waved and you gave her the “what’s up” nod. This still infuriates her. (“How could you give me the nod?”)
Ooooh, trust me, I am well aware of women’s amazing memories. Most of the girls I’ve dated would spend post-sex time discussing shit they did with their bestest girlfriends when they were seven years old. And when I’m just like, “I WANNA SLEEEEEEEP!!” they’d be like, “So then we went sledding, and I was wearing pink snowpants, and she wore an orange hat, and then we went to the biggest hill in town, and I grew up in a small town in the midwest, so there weren’t a lot of hills, and it didn’t even snow that much, so it was so so so super-exciting for us and…” And I’m like, “GRRRROOGAGAT!!! JUST DONKEY-PUNCH ME AND KNOCK ME THE HELL OUT!!!”
I have a very paranoid theory about women and sex. It goes like this: basically, women spend all day just itching to tell someone about the sledding adventure they had with their best friend Jenny all those years ago. But they can’t tell their other girlfriends, because that would make them want to talk about their own sledding adventures they had with their best friend Suzy, and that’s no good. So, they need to find someone who is completely helpess and has no choice but to sit there and listen. Their boyfriends will always turn on sports or try to change the subject, so they have to wait until their men are in a completely docile state and unwilling to move… and that only comes after sex. The minute the man finishes and tries to roll over for sleep… THAT’S THE PERFECT TIME TO POUNCE.
Paranoid? Well, yeah. But you’re talking to the guy who thinks the Swedish government is trying to kidnap him to steal the pot of gold he has stashed in his pancreas.
Oh, and before I forget:
4.) Men just wanna go to sleep after sex. We’re exhausted, aaaaaaaaight?
5. An eyelash curler, while mean and ferocious looking, is not a weapon.
5.) We fear the eyelash curler because it looks like it could be used to rip out our pubes in a fit of rage.
6. No matter how much your woman loves you, there are going to be three to seven days each month when she wants you dead. (She may even quietly fantasize about turning her eyelash curler against you.)
See! I knew it! Proof! Proof!!
You have two options: Tie yourself to a tree and wait out the storm, or stock up at Tiffany’s, toss a blue box or two into the wind, and hope for the best. We recommend the latter. (The key chain doesn’t count.)
6.) When women freak out like that, we spend five days holed up in our friends’ basements watching Airwolf reruns.
7. We think it’s weird when you watch sports and concentrate to help your team.
7.) What’s weirder is that it actually works. I spent Game Seven of the 2004 ALCS suspended naked upsidedown from my ceiling, watching the TV on mute with Ravi Shankar playing on loop in the background. I needn’t tell you how well that turned out.
8. “Hey, Melissa, who’s the boss?” Not a good pickup line. “Hey, Phoebe, where’d you park your broomstick?” Not a good pickup line. “Hey, Alyssa, you look 250 pounds lighter than Brian Dennehy in that dress.” Surprisingly good pickup line.
8.) I don’t know why men think pickup lines work. I really don’t. And I’ve been a man for 27 fricking years.
9. Women hear better than men. That’s before you even factor in listening skills and attention spans. Come to think of it, I should have listed this one ï¬?rst because I’m sure I’ve lost you by now.
Wait, what was that? Oh yeah, dress looks fine on you. Yeah.
9.) Men suck at listening.
10. You may be surprised to know that women were responsible for inventing all of the following: the circular saw, the signal flare, the space suit, the bulletproof vest, and the windshield wiper. You’re welcome.
10.) Men are simple, stupid creatures who can be kept happy with varying combinations of beer, food, sex and sports. That’s just about all we need. Don’t try to make things too complicated. We enjoy being simpletons.
*Incidentally, I have never cheated once. Really and truly. But I know that after you start dating someone for more than three months, your biology kicks in and prods you to start looking around for different mates. It’s utterly bizarre, but that’s how we’re designed.