17
A conspiracy so stupid…
The last few months have not been kind to our old pal Marie Jon’. Now that Republicans don’t control all three branches of the federal government, Marie’s poor wittle pweisident can’t do whatever the hell he wants anymore. Why, he can’t even fire federal prosecutors for brazenly political reasons without getting subpoenas tossed at him! Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
At any rate, all of the poor wittle pwesident’s wegal twoubles (not to mention his always-shitty job-approval numbers) have really been getting Marie down lately. And by “down,” I mean “she’s completely gone off her nut.” Just take a look at this:
Satan, Islamic terrorists, and the Democrats are out and about
Marie Jon’
March 10, 2007All human beings are in one way or another involved in a great controversy between Christ and Satan. God’s sovereignty over the universe was put into question a long time ago by a willful defector. The conflict began in heaven when Satan, a created being, was given freedom of choice and squandered it.
Unfortunately, self-exaltation overtook the highest created being’s own downfall. His name was Lucifer. At one time he was a prominent archangel in heaven. He is, to this day, the most beautiful looking fallen angel.
Really? Yeesh, Marie. I mean, everyone’s taste is different, but come on…
He became taken up with self-pride and desperately wanted power. Lucifer became God’s adversary. He led other angels into rebellion. Lucifer introduced sin into this world when he led Adam and Eve to disobey God.
Sin resulted because of this rebellion that began with Beelzebub, known familiarly as the devil, the great liar and deceiver. He willfully tried to distort the image of God before humanity. Thus, the world became the arena for universal conflict. The God of love has been vindicated because of our Savior, Jesus Christ.
To save the world, Christ came to this earth and died on the cross for all people as an annulment of all our sins. Thus, the Father gave mankind a way of escape from eternal death by receiving the free gift of salvation through the blood of a living and loving Redeemer.
Using the word of God as a kind of metaphor, just as God sent our Lord and Savior “to set the captives free,” so did President G. W. Bush impacted Iraq with the opportunity to grasp the gift of freedom.
Whu. Whu. Whoa. Marie. You did not just do that. You did not compare the Iraq war to Jesus. I refuse to believe that you did it. Nope. Never happened. I’m going to close my eyes and count to ten, and when I open them, I’ll see that you really meant tha…
Using the word of God as a kind of metaphor, just as God sent our Lord and Savior “to set the captives free,” so did President G. W. Bush impacted Iraq with the opportunity to grasp the gift of freedom.
Holy shit.
Marie. I… fuh… geeeetooooom. Whupya. Goddamn it.
OK.
Deep breath.
Marie. This is Jesus:
You’ll notice in this picture that He’s healing a leper. He was quite good at things like that. He was also adept at making water into wine and bringing people back from the dead. In other words, he was a pretty nice guy who tried his best to help people.
Now, this is the Iraq war:
You may notice that it’s fairly un-Jesus-y. There aren’t loaves and fishes being multiplied anywhere near those corpses. That kid who got his leg blown off isn’t growing a new one anytime soon. That dead child being carried by the soldier isn’t coming back to life after Passover.
Please, please, please tell me you didn’t really compare the Iraq war to Jesus. Please tell me that it was part of an elaborate plot to make me die of heart failure.
It is sadly amazing just how wrongly the far Left Democrats perceive their works while serving their country in the legislative halls. They are out-and-out obstructionist and traitors to America.
Yeah, OK, calling the Democrats traitors is fairly boilerplate at this point, Marie. I think you used up all the good stupid at the beginning of the column.
Anyway, I’m not gonna read the rest. I just can’t, OK? Feel free to do it yourself if you have an extremely high threshold for hurt. As for me, I’m going to do something that’s less painful than reading Marie, like crushing my balls in between a pair of bricks.
Jrod said,
April 17, 2007 at 2:05
Am I the only one who thinks Lucifer had a decent point? I mean wtf God, you give everyone free will and then dictate exactly how they should live, and poorly at that? And God, if you want to forgive people for their sins just do it, there’s no need for some complex scheme involving the brutal murder of your own son.
Pfft, Gods these days.
And no, I ain’t reading the rest. I like my balls uncrushed, thankyaverymuch.
Candy said,
April 17, 2007 at 2:07
She’s a moron and a loon. It’s a twofer.
Ann Althouse's Right Breast said,
April 17, 2007 at 2:09
C’mon, you know, using the word God as a metaphor, I’m pretty sure God’s response would be something along the likes of …
You’ve got to be cruel to be kind!
a different brad said,
April 17, 2007 at 2:10
Well, Jebus has become an excuse for rampant murder, looting, rape, n etc over the millenia, so maybe she has a point?
Nah, even a Nietzsche fan like me can’t swallow that shit.
Just read Alan Keyes’ new column to clear your mind.
Did you know paying an income tax makes you just like a parolee.
Teaser line,
“Every year around this time, I find myself in a great quandary, a struggle between my sense of obedience to law and my sense of principle. The reason: it’s time to file an income tax return.”
Ann Althouse's Right Breast said,
April 17, 2007 at 2:13
Candy — are you using the words moron & loon as metaphors?
Myself, using the word batshitfuckinginsanochristofacist as a metaphor, she’s a batshitfuckinginsanochristofacist!
And, I’ll bet she spits! (Pity, that!)
Candy said,
April 17, 2007 at 2:19
Ah, Ann’s Boobie, you always catch the elegantly crafted metaphor in the steel trap of your genius! I shall shave my head and follow you around as you imparteth unto me your wisdom!
Craig said,
April 17, 2007 at 2:19
I’m from Australia, and i have fallen in love with all the hot, repressed, insane, American wingnut “pundits”. I mean, they are so loopy and entertaining. They are so “out there”, that i dont even scour for porn anymore.
Ok, much.
But this Marie Jon is new to me, and i am falling for her so much. Her Harpers Bizarre look is perfect.
the_millionaire_lebowski said,
April 17, 2007 at 2:25
Have you ever noticed how if you add another apostrophe at the beginning of “Jon’,” you get ” ‘Jon’ .”
‘Jon’
Don’t those kinda look like devil horns?
Candy said,
April 17, 2007 at 2:28
Craig, there’s quite a club of Wingnut Lust around here for ol Marie Apostrophe. I’ll admit she’s pretty with her glassy eyed gaze and all.
When I was a sweet young thang, I used to date a guy who had an expression of dazed goofiness like that. Every time we would get pizza, he would burn the roof of his mouth because he could never remember that the cheese was HOT. Every friggin’ time! Pizza arrives, he picks up a slice, CHOMP! OW! The roof of his mouth would peel. Same expression as marie. He was cute too.
I learned that brains are more important than looks.
Ann Althouse's Right Breast said,
April 17, 2007 at 2:28
I shall shave my head and follow you around as you imparteth unto me your wisdom!
Cool, my first disciple!
farang said,
April 17, 2007 at 2:29
She thinks Al Pacino is the Devil, doesn’t she?
mikey said,
April 17, 2007 at 2:33
Jeez, she tells that freaking stupid fairy tale like she was there when it happened, y’know, like we’re sitting in starbucks and she’s telling me about a car wreck in Murphy Square or something:
All human beings are in one way or another involved in a great controversy between Fred Flintstone and Beavis. Homer Simpson’s sovereignty over the universe was put into question a long time ago by a willful defector. The conflict began in heaven when Beavis, a created being, was given freedom of choice and squandered it.
Unfortunately, self-exaltation overtook the highest created being’s own downfall. His name was Space Ghost. At one time he was a prominent crimefighter in space. He is, to this day, the most beautiful looking crimefighter in space.
He became taken up with self-pride and desperately wanted power. Space Ghost became Homer Simpson’s adversary. He led other crimefighters into rebellion. Space Ghost introduced CG Animation into this world when he led Scooby Doo and Barney Rubble to disobey Homer Simpson.
CG Animation resulted because of this rebellion that began with Dagwood Bumstead, known familiarly as the devil, the great liar and deceiver. He willfully tried to distort the image of Homer Simpson before humanity. Thus, the world became the arena for universal conflict. The Homer of love has been vindicated because of our Savior, Fred Flintstone.
To save the world, Fred Flintstone came to this earth and died on the stone cross for all people as an annulment of all our CG Animation. Thus, Homer Simpson gave mankind a way of escape from eternal death by receiving the free gift of salvation through the Pick a Nick Basket of a living and loving Yogi theBear.
Using the word of Homer Simpson as a kind of metaphor, just as Homer sent Space Ghost “to set the captives free,� so did Zippy the Pinhead impacted Iraq with the opportunity to grasp the gift of freedom.
See? I can do this shit too. Of course, I’d have to write for “Remew LSD”. But like Marie, I’m willing to add random punctuation to my name and take one for the team…
mikey
Candy, Boobie Disciple said,
April 17, 2007 at 2:43
“Renew LSD”… Hmmm, I’d read that.
How would you punctuate your name, mikey?
mi;key’
mik-ey
‘m’i'k’e'y
mikey said,
April 17, 2007 at 2:47
Hey, what a coincidence. I’m a Boobie Disciple too!
I wouldn’t want to infringe on Marie’s originality, so I think I’d have to go something like this.
#?mikey^
Jrod said,
April 17, 2007 at 2:48
Migh Key’
steve_e said,
April 17, 2007 at 2:49
mîkéy”, that was beautiful. Thanks to you and Marie, I now know why god hates us all.
mikey said,
April 17, 2007 at 3:00
I remember doing about eleven hundred mics of acid and getting two paper towell rollers. When you’re frying nicely, you look thru the paper towell rollers, but you look at different things thru each eye. It makes your brain do sommersalts.
Now, for a similar experience, smoke a bowl and go back and read my cartoon version of the Marie’s story, but in your head hear it in Steven Hawking’s mechanical “voice”. Guarantee you’ll be weirded out for the rest of the night…
migh key flynn’
jenni said,
April 17, 2007 at 3:03
yes, lucifer was offered a choice, and squandered it…by making a choice?
wow, i bet opposing debate teams just loved you in high school, huh?
like freaking fish in a barrel.
also, this woman is frightening, in a WASP-ish, ann taylor sort of way.
Blue Footed Boobies™³² said,
April 17, 2007 at 3:06
Speaking of metaphors…
But I digress. Somebody *impacted* something with the opportunity?
Wha?
tigrismus said,
April 17, 2007 at 3:09
How about mikey! or mikë ?
And if the boob has a pick a nick basket, I’m in too. Except for the head shaving, that sounds chilly.
FS said,
April 17, 2007 at 3:13
Why does Marie Jon’ think her readers are morons?
Satan’s name is Satan, not Lucifer or Beelzebub.
Lucifer was a misinterpretation of the Biblical text:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucifer
And Beelzebub was another name for Ba’al:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beelzebub
Now that it’s here in black and white, I’ve finally noticed that both Ba’al and Marie Jon’ have an apostrophe in some place where it doesn’t belong. That’s a little spooky.
RobW said,
April 17, 2007 at 3:18
Totally off-topic, but if anyone needs their blood boiled go to Crooks and Liars and see the video of FoxNews’ obituary of Vonnegut.
mikey said,
April 17, 2007 at 3:23
How about mikey!
Hey, I LIKE that. It’s very similar to that Aussie nutjob’s crikey!
mikë ?
I like this one, but I don’t know the ascii code for that e thing….
mikey!
mikey said,
April 17, 2007 at 3:26
Totally off-topic, but if anyone needs their blood boiled go to Crooks and Liars and see the video of FoxNews
Fixed!
mikey$R%T^Y&U*()P_
Otto Man said,
April 17, 2007 at 3:30
Wow. That’s some powerfully strong stupid from M’a'r’i'e J’o'n’ there.
Hysterical Woman said,
April 17, 2007 at 3:35
When I hear the word impacted, I think of severe intestinal trouble. Giving how the Iraq War is going, it might be right to say that Bush impacted Iraq.
Lawnguylander said,
April 17, 2007 at 3:39
Now, for a similar experience, smoke a bowl and go back and read my cartoon version of the Marie’s story, but in your head hear it in Steven Hawking’s mechanical “voice�.
This sounds like a great idea but do not be tempted. I followed ‘Mikey’s instructions to a t but hearing Stephen Hawking’s voice was impossible. I could only hear Daffyd and now I’m in a bad, bad place. I have been led astray.
crickett said,
April 17, 2007 at 3:50
That is some deep stupid. Not only is Iraq analogous to Jesus, but Bush is analogous to God. Jeesh. I’m glad someone is reading this crap so I don’t have to.
Djur said,
April 17, 2007 at 4:07
Of course, most of the story she’s telling there is unbiblical, including a lot of embellishments on the War in Heaven as well as associating the serpent in Eden with Satan. The association of Lucifer and Beelzebub with Satan is also spurious. “Lucifer” only appears once in most English-language Bibles, and it’s a bizarre choice considering that elsewhere it’s translated as “the morning star.” In fact, even Jesus is referred to as “the morning star,” or Lucifer. In context, that one strange appearance of Lucifer seems to refer to a king, not to Satan.
Beelzebub is also rarely mentioned, being one of the many ba’als or gods of the Semitic peoples (including Yahweh). The association with flies is based on a mistranslation as well. Again, it’s extrabiblical work that ended up transforming every stray supernatural being or god in the Bible into Satan or one of his minions.
Marie is going to have to face it — her religion is a neo-Platonist corruption of a Semitic folk religion with deeply henotheistic roots. There is no consistent theme of Good vs. Evil, Heaven vs. Hell, God, vs. Satan in the Bible. The only hints of such a thing are the result of Zoroastrian influence during the Babylonian captivity. And the serpent was just a serpent — God cursed it as one, didn’t he? To crawl the earth on his belly and bruise woman’s heel?
Also, yes, holy fuck, she said “impacted.”
Klein's Tiny Left Nut said,
April 17, 2007 at 4:14
I’m Satan. Worship me! Worship me!
That’s some high impactin’ going on in Eye-rack.
Some Guy said,
April 17, 2007 at 4:16
If God were REALLY smart, he would have gotten rid of Satan, not let him have his own flat with access to the whole of creation.
I’m just saying.
mikey said,
April 17, 2007 at 4:21
So, Some Guy, we’re going forward operating on the theory God was a retard? I’m ok with that. Let’s call it post modern dogma and see who’s buying!!
mikey
Hysterical Woman said,
April 17, 2007 at 4:22
OMG, Jesus is Satan!
Lesley said,
April 17, 2007 at 4:26
Mari Jon’s web site is a hoot. Marie Jon’ is…the founder of http://www.DrawingClose.org/
Mari Jon believes the earth didn’t exist until she was born because, hello, floods, earthquakes, war, famine, crime, hate, terror, destruction and disease are totally 20th century.
RubDMC said,
April 17, 2007 at 4:44
“God’s sovereignty over the universe was put into question a long time ago by a willful defector. The conflict began in heaven when Satan, a created being, was given freedom of choice and squandered it…”
Marie Jon’ obviously missed a critical episode of South Park. Long story short – Kenny defeated the minions of Satan.
Or did he?…..
Lesly said,
April 17, 2007 at 4:46
Setting the captives free is a spiritual metaphor for salvation. Fucking dumbass. You know I thought Dahlia Lithwick’s was exaggerating when discussing Regent’s graduates and writing social conservatives “conflate[d] God’s work with the president’s” but I wonder.
Fucking dumbass.
Lesly said,
April 17, 2007 at 4:47
Yeesh. And just to be redundant let me say it a third time: fucking dumbass!
Some Guy said,
April 17, 2007 at 4:50
I ain’t sayin’ nothin’ neither way, mikey. Just, you know, God has some inferiority issues regarding Satan. [See: Book of Job] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHPg3kjKBRc
Also, He has tendencies to act like a spoiled child.
Also, “Where God Went Wrong”; “Some More of God’s Greatest Mistakes”; and, “Just Who is This ‘God’ Person, Anyway?”.
a different brad said,
April 17, 2007 at 5:03
Much as I love yah, the artist formerly known as mikey, I dunno if smoking a bowl n doing what you suggest would be comparable to droppin n playin tricks on yer mind. Granted, I’m a fiend whose sweat smells like hash, but still, I dunno.
judeanpeoplesfront said,
April 17, 2007 at 5:07
well.. skimming the rest of m’ari~es tone poem was like crushing my balls between bricks while looking through two paper towel rolls. on mescaline.
marie is so hot in a kind of pre-bag lady way. ripe, ready to blossom into a piss reeking, cat food can hoarding fountain of disconnected and improperly inflected grammatically incorrect mutterings. grrrr!
she gives a shout out to job lieberman for threatening to become a republican. and adds a very nice picture and god-quote at the end. i guess satan and bin laden couldn’t make the presser..
and she’s a nurse! i wonder what sort of uniform she has? big angora turtleneck? or maybe a little priests-collar-on-nehru sleeveless number?
that reminds me… we’ve got some telepastor hottie on the cable these days. tall brunette with long hair and clerical collar, ranting in front of a chalkboard with greek and hebrew and arrows and stuff. with no sound. she is amazing.
AkaDad said,
April 17, 2007 at 5:14
There is nothing more evil and despicable than the actions of Democrats who concoct and conspire day and night to hurt our nation’s welfare and safety.
She doesn’t know me at all.
I work the day shift, so I stop conspiring in the evening.
I know, I’m a slacker…
g said,
April 17, 2007 at 5:51
What happened to her other picture? this is the one where butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth.
Herr Doktor Bimler said,
April 17, 2007 at 6:37
Using the word of God as a kind of metaphor
Not a real metaphor, but a ‘kind of metaphor’. A metaphor for a metaphor. Try saying that three times fast.
In fact a metaph is a kind of angel — just below a seraph in the heavenly hierarchy, but just above a cherub. Not many people know that.
bronco214 said,
April 17, 2007 at 6:46
OMG!!!
Let me see if I have this straight- An omnipotent being creates a being that is evil. The O being allows this being not only to continue to exist but to screwup 2 more of his creations.Years later, O being tries to compensate by blood sacrifice of his Son. And Bush is the same kinda guy. MMWTP
Raijin said,
April 17, 2007 at 7:49
Y’all. . . she didn’t just say “Bush impacted.” Read it again– she said, “so did Bush impacted.” And he did impacted Iraq with an opportunity– an opportunity to grasp.
That is weapons-grade stupid she’s flinging around over there. . .
robert green said,
April 17, 2007 at 8:36
i feel like if you gave her enough time, she could come up with a quite a few different names for satan. i wonder if she has a list saved on her computer, or if she just chants them quietly to herself late at night as she slips her hand into her panties.
celticgirl said,
April 17, 2007 at 10:10
My wisdom teeth were impacted – man, that hurt like a bitch.
Hey, maybe that IS what she means after all!
Prudence Goodwife said,
April 17, 2007 at 10:10
“OMG, Jesus is Satan!”
That’s what I figured out when I was on 1100 mics of acid. They both turned out to be my roomate too. The paper tube thing is also fun.
Thlayli said,
April 17, 2007 at 11:12
I think you used up all the good stupid at the beginning of the column.
I hate when she does that.
Candy said,
April 17, 2007 at 14:25
Wow, right after typing my Boobie Disciple post, I hit refresh and then couldn’t get into Sadly, No! It kept saying “Cannot open this site” blah blah blah. I think Marie’s god hates me.
Qetesh the Abyssinian said,
April 17, 2007 at 15:10
That’s olympic-class stupid. She could stupid for her country. If stupid were drugs, the entire nation of Colombia would sink into the ocean.
I’m thrilled that others have pointed out the up-fucking of the nomenclature: honestly, if she’s going to be a religious loony, at least she could get it right. I think she got her religious edification from the Little Golden Books.
And the idea that there are any far left Democrats makes me laugh hysterically: in my country, your Dems would be our right wing (at least until the advent of the Benighted And Sense-Forsaken Howard Gubmint).
Holy buggeryfuck, Batman, she’s crazy.
MCH said,
April 17, 2007 at 15:29
Christ, she’s recycling: http://www.sadlyno.com/archives/5363.html
I thought I recognized that particular grammatical abomination from somewhere.
wha? said,
April 17, 2007 at 16:20
Meh….I’m over her. She doesn’t seem to learn, and she never talks sexy to us anymore.
smafdy said,
April 17, 2007 at 18:41
I think I banged this chick back in my college days. She wasn’t talkin’ this crazy crap back then. Actually she wasn’t talking at all – she was humming. If ya’ wanna’ get laid by some freaky chicks (right chicken heads, they are), go to your local Baptist church for a few weeks and tell them you want to be saved.
MrWonderful said,
April 17, 2007 at 18:50
She’s “crazy”?
How “crazy” is it to dig through the Sunday school essays you wrote when you were 12, add “Thus did Bush impacted the war Iraqted upon the people of savior whom the same metaphor,” etc., and get full column credit for it?
Yeah, “crazy.” Like a psychopath!
What the f**k said,
April 17, 2007 at 19:07
How can man have free will if everything is pre-ordained? And if god can do anything, can he make a rock so big even he can’t lift it? And if jesus flew u into the sky, is he standing on the clouds? How did all of the animals make it to the ark? did the ants and spiders and the rest of them swim there from america? And if adam and eve started the whole thig, when did incest become bad? after the ark too. Just wondering.
Karl Rove II said,
April 17, 2007 at 19:18
ALL HAIL SATAN’S COCK!
Why the hell not, Marie is sucking at it wildly as we converse…I hate to say this, but she need to join Scientology and get sent to RPF for about three million years.
There are no words to describe how fucked up she is.
Sarcastro said,
April 17, 2007 at 19:23
Lucifer became God’s adversary. He led other angels into rebellion. Lucifer introduced sin into this world when he led Adam and Eve to disobey God.
If you actually read the text of Genesis – and Job for that matter – it is quite obvious that The Adversary (“Shaitan”) is working for Yahweh. He is not God’s adversary in these stories, he is man’s adversary. In a legal sense. His job, given to him by God, was to test mankind’s faith.
Shitty job that. Probably why he quit in such a spectacular fashion.
Candy said,
April 17, 2007 at 20:57
Well, you know, supposedly there weren’t any people anywhere but the prototypes in Eden, and yet, when they went out “East of Eden”, they ran into some people…
No one ever explains this shit. They just ignore it. I’ve asked, “So were these other people living outside of Eden created by some other god? Did they evolve? Did they fly in from some other planet? Please explain!” Alas, no one ever does.
Bible thumpers make my head hurt.
LostSailor said,
April 17, 2007 at 21:33
Daring to venture where none other venture to dare…this from the end of the Jon’ fest of stupidity, horrible writing, and misquotation:
The whole world is open for disastrous peril if we continue down this divided and destructive path. President Lincoln said, “A house divided will fall.” The left in this country have caused this huge cavern that will leave our country frail and weak.
I’m actually quite happy that the world will be open for disastrous peril soon. It was closed last time I stopped by and the plain-vanilla peril I got last time really didn’t do the trick.
Of course, Lincoln never said “a house divided will fall” (it was “a house divided against itself cannot stand”, which was an allusion to Matthew 12:25, which Mari’e might have used instead of dragging Lincoln into it, assuming she’s ever actually looked at the Bible).
But I’m also happy that the left is going to cause a huge cavern. I was afraid it was going to cause a “hugh chasm” which wouldn’t be good at all. But I like caverns. They have bats. I’m guessing M’arie is familiar with bats.
Sarcastro said,
April 17, 2007 at 21:43
No one ever explains this shit. They just ignore it. I’ve asked, “So were these other people living outside of Eden created by some other god? Did they evolve? Did they fly in from some other planet? Please explain!� Alas, no one ever does.
Jewish mythology explains it.
See, Eve was actually wife number three for Adam. First of all there was the co-created Lilith who wanted to be on top during sex and, thus, was booted from the Garden (seriously). She then went and mated with demons (before The Fall, so from where? Who knows) thus producing the peoples whom the sons of Adam went and married.
The second wife, btw, was created whole cloth in front of Adam and seeing all her icky innards and such disgusted him so she too was booted from the Garden. She apparently did not get jiggy with the demons though (she’s known simply as “The Virgin”).
Basharov said,
April 18, 2007 at 0:24
Dr. Cox punished Ellliott by making her roto-rooter an impacted bowel last week on “Scrubs.”
I don’t think that word means what Marie Jon’ thinks it means.
shelly said,
April 18, 2007 at 4:52
Oh, no, she didn’t!
What an idiot. May the Force terrify her ass.
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