Apr
15
15
Unfinished Jokes
- A song about eels in which each measure ends, ‘That’s a Moray!’
- A long story about a famous dish in Rockland County, NY, which is identified at the end as ‘Suffern succotash.’
- Something about a sign in a chiropractor’s office reading ‘No backs, double tax.’
- A restaurant like Kenny Rogers Roasters called ‘Jimmy Buffet.’
- Letters columns in magazines:
1) Lyme Disease Society Newsletter: ‘Tick Talk’2) Something involving professional familiarity with excrement: ‘Shit Chat’
3) ?
- Something about a physician named U.B. Illin.
- Something about, you go into a Greek tailor shop to get your pants fixed, and the clerk says, “Euripides?”
- Something like, ‘A priest walks into a bar. [clanging sound] Ow!’
- Something about Nazi peer pressure, with the punchline: ‘We have ways of making you toke.’
- Something about the whole comédie humaine being a pain in the Balzac.
Doodle Bean said,
April 15, 2007 at 4:45
Ummmmm… Gavin?
You o.k., bro?
Qetesh the Abyssinian said,
April 15, 2007 at 4:48
“Euripedes trousers?”
“Eumenides trousers!”
Jas said,
April 15, 2007 at 4:52
As Qetesh indicated, I’m afraid most of these are, in fact, finished, but disgraced, jokes. Puns, really.
But hey, slow news day, I understand.
Mithras said,
April 15, 2007 at 4:53
Something about, you go into a Greek tailor shop to get your pants fixed, and the clerk says, “Euripides?�
This one was told by Gabe Kaplan on Welcome Back Kotter about 1000 years ago.
Gavin M. said,
April 15, 2007 at 4:56
Hmph.
Nathan said,
April 15, 2007 at 5:07
I would have gone with “Scat Chat” instead of “Shit Chat,” but like you said, they’re unfinished.
Can’t all be gold.
U. P. Gnome said,
April 15, 2007 at 5:09
Letters columns in magazines:
1) Lyme Disease Society Newsletter: ‘Tick Talk’
2) Something involving professional familiarity with excrement: ‘Shit Chat’
3) ?
4) Profit!
Mo's Bike Shop said,
April 15, 2007 at 5:10
Finnished Joke:
So, Ole says to Lena…
the ghost of ann althouse's ghost said,
April 15, 2007 at 5:11
Rectum? It nearly killed ‘em.
mikey said,
April 15, 2007 at 5:14
Wrecked ‘em??!!?? Damn near Killed ‘em!!!!!
mikey
Pssst. Say it outloud
agrippacash said,
April 15, 2007 at 5:17
Euripedes/Eumenides sounds like a Zeppo joke. (not necessarily a bad thing)
Nice with the Balzac too. I was afraid he was getting to be derelict.
steve_e said,
April 15, 2007 at 5:26
Gavin, you’re wasting all these jokes. You’re supposed to sneak these hilarious gems into your regular posts, one at a time. Right now, we’re overwhelmed.
mikey said,
April 15, 2007 at 5:31
“So I asked the beautiful genie Ok then, can I have a little head?”
mikey
Mithras said,
April 15, 2007 at 5:36
Hmph.
You’re so cute when you’re grumpy.
ctrl+alt+house said,
April 15, 2007 at 5:40
*groan*
though when these re-appear in actual columns, it’ll be comedy genius…
Gavin M. said,
April 15, 2007 at 5:52
You guys don’t understand! This is an experimental literary form!
Something about a foundation that distributes Middle Eastern food to the poor, called ‘Fool For The City.’
Righteous Bubba said,
April 15, 2007 at 5:59
This is an experimental literary form!
It’s deconstrut-tion?
Righteous Bubba said,
April 15, 2007 at 6:04
Sadly, No! goofball round-up email called Nuts To You?
Righteous Bubba said,
April 15, 2007 at 6:07
Skeptics in the Himalayas singing “You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yeti”?
D. Sidhe said,
April 15, 2007 at 6:24
This is like Jonah Goldberg at The Corner, only kinda funny intentionally.
(I’m so getting banned for that, aren’t I.)
Gavin M. said,
April 15, 2007 at 6:26
Something about a guy who fails at buying plane tickets to Thailand, because the agent asks, “Bangkok?” and he replies, “No, Phuket.”
Marita said,
April 15, 2007 at 6:44
Umm…
…and then Paul Wolfowitz’s girlfriend says, “Twenty bucks, same as in town.”
Will I be officially cast out by the feminists for that one?
Righteous Bubba said,
April 15, 2007 at 6:53
Ass-twat monster-fuck cum-guzzling and so on just doesn’t lend itself to wordplay.
Candy said,
April 15, 2007 at 7:12
So a guy walks into a bar and asks for a twelve inch pianist…
Dave said,
April 15, 2007 at 7:46
How about:
A guy is getting married and looking for a caterer. One prospect yells, “You want Middle-Eastern food? Al-Qaeda your wedding party!”
Gavin M. said,
April 15, 2007 at 7:50
Why did Hassan Nasrallah divorce his wife? Because she always made him falafel!
Marq said,
April 15, 2007 at 7:52
Something about some Western tourists in Sri Lanka being unable to locate an open restaurant around noon time. Perplexed, they finally ask a local. He replies, “Didn’t you know? There’s no such thing as a Sri lunch.”
Qetesh the Abyssinian said,
April 15, 2007 at 7:53
Oh, Gavin. It’s pronounced Poo-ket.
I’ve heard (indeed, told) the bar one, too:
A guy walks into a bar.
He says “Ouch”.
It was an iron bar.
At least shabby old jokes is better than reading about tosspots applauding the worst government in the history of the universe.
Gavin M. said,
April 15, 2007 at 7:54
But I was sitting right here and made it up!
There’s truly nothing new in the world.
Qetesh the Abyssinian said,
April 15, 2007 at 7:54
Must also confess I loved the moray one. Nothing like eels for comedy.
Gavin M. said,
April 15, 2007 at 7:57
Ok, wait.
Something about a member country returning to the Arab League, and somebody says, “Welcome Back, Qatar.”
tradio said,
April 15, 2007 at 8:20
Variation:
Man walking through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok.
a different brad said,
April 15, 2007 at 8:46
…. so then George HW Bush says, “take my wife, please.”
Col. Klink said,
April 15, 2007 at 8:55
I’ve got an unfinished joke –
“So in the year 2000, Ralph Nader walks into a crowded room in Florida and says it doesn’t matter who’s elected because Bush and Gore are essentially the same.” Anyway, the joke is ultimately on the American people.
M. Bouffant said,
April 15, 2007 at 9:42
Heard the “Euripides/Eumenides” bit on a Frasier re-run a few weeks ago. Laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur.
ilsita said,
April 15, 2007 at 9:54
I know it! It goes “Something something.. ‘Hey, Euripides, You buya dese!’
Let’s get the first part of “No, twat, TWAT.. awound the twack!”
judeanpeoplesfront said,
April 15, 2007 at 10:23
all through the winter of ’43, we had translators working in joke-proof conditions, to try and produce a german version of the joke. they worked on one word each for greater safety. one of them saw two words of the joke, and spent several weeks in hospital..
Wordyeti said,
April 15, 2007 at 10:43
“When you swim inna da sea
An’ an eel bites-a you knee,
At’sa moray…
When the pattern you see
Is just swirls, circularly,
At’s a moire…
(apologies to Spider Robinson, who started this type of thing about 10 years ago in one of his “Callahan’s” stories…)
kingubu said,
April 15, 2007 at 11:08
Then there’s the Oscar-worthy bio-pic on the life of the late Jim Varney, ‘The Importance of Being Ernest’.
You know Oscar-worthy….
Philistines…
Ann Althouse's Right Breast said,
April 15, 2007 at 12:16
Something about bad golfers: Putz Putts!
Qetesh the Abyssinian said,
April 15, 2007 at 13:30
Wordyeti, I salute you as a fellow member of the nerd fraternity/sorority.
Qetesh the Abyssinian said,
April 15, 2007 at 13:32
Gavin: no indeed, there is nothing new in the world. At least as far as bar jokes go. I was telling that one at least as far back as I was telling this one:
What’s the difference between a friend and a lover?
One spits and one swallows.
(boomboom Ting)
RobW said,
April 15, 2007 at 13:58
Two guys walk into a bar. You’d think the second would have gone around it.
Robert said,
April 15, 2007 at 14:58
A melodramatic play about strained family relastions set in New York’s Westchester County called “Katonah Hot Tin Roof.”
Tom Gellhaus said,
April 15, 2007 at 15:10
Okay…
I used to have a pet rock who was real shy. Everyone kept taking him for granite.
But after I took him to a Dale Carnegie course on public speaking he’s become a lot boulder.
Ruppie Garrert said,
April 15, 2007 at 15:55
Well, you know, as he visited his mistress, Paul Wolfowitz was working on several international loans. On his way to her apartment, it was “Russian”; when he left, it was “Finnish”. While he was there, it was “Himalayan.”
El Cid said,
April 15, 2007 at 16:30
Wow, we are psychically linked. Just yesterday I was trying to come up with a set-up for the punch line “That’s a Moray!”
Apparently some song parodist named Malcolm Higgins already thought of that:
http://www.amiright.com/parody/60s/deanmartin0.shtml
MrWonderful said,
April 15, 2007 at 17:43
Or the sushi maker’s lament: “O tempura! O morays!’
Also, this, as the official slogan of the National Society of French Poodle Owners:
“Semper Fifi”
Proteus454 said,
April 15, 2007 at 18:16
“When you’re bit by an eel,
And the pain makes you squeal,
That’s A Moray…”
…Damnit! Wordyeti beat me to it. Ah well ^^;;;
PaulG said,
April 15, 2007 at 18:18
… and I think the genie was a bit deaf cuz’ she gave me this twelve inch pianist.
Undertakers Newsletter: Coffin-ey Clatch.
Visualize Whirled Peas.
What’s a grecian urn? About 11 drachma an hour.
And my personal favorite, two guys yeliing to each other across a pond:
“Hey!”………………………………..
…………………………………”What?”
“How do I get to”
the other side of
the lake?”……………………………
………………………………….”You are”
………………………………….”on the other side
………………………………….”of lake!”
Pere Ubu said,
April 15, 2007 at 18:33
Just last night I passed the billboard downtown which details the list of productions for our local theater company. One of the productions is something called “Unrinetown”, which always prompts me to respond with “Ah, yes! Urinetown, on the Yellow River. Mayor I. P. Freely.”
bu-dum ting.
Thanks, folks, we’ll be here all weekend. Don’t forget to try the waitress and tip the veal.
Hysterical Woman said,
April 15, 2007 at 18:41
“Beige…I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige…”
Ganesh Bengal Cat said,
April 15, 2007 at 19:51
Also, this, as the official slogan of the National Society of French Poodle Owners:
“Semper Fifi�
My girlfriend, Chloe Teh Giant Poodle, is so going to bite your ass for that one.
She can totally do it, too. She is over 70 pounds of beautiful, curly-haired muscle, and I adore her even more than I adore Qetesh and Mehitabel.
“Semper Fifi,” my ass. I admit that some Fifi-type poodles tend to have those stupid, weirdly shaved haircuts, but Chloe doesn’t have one of those, because she has too much personal dignity and because the handmaiden’s brother doesn’t want her to look all frou-frou and shit, so there.
PS The handmaiden says that ‘O tempura! O morays!’ was absolutely brill, though.
Pope Buck I said,
April 15, 2007 at 21:01
Then there was the psycho killer who came into a gathering of composers around 1900, and was gunning them down right and left.
His defense was, “I shot the Schubert, but I did not kill the Debussy.”
Lamb Cannon said,
April 15, 2007 at 21:47
Does anyone have the proper link for Scat Chat?
verplanck colvin said,
April 16, 2007 at 2:38
*knock knock*
Hi, I’m Chuck!
Your not taking my daughter anywhere, buddy!
Cutler John said,
April 16, 2007 at 3:46
Unfinished jokes, unfinished jokes…
I’ll vote for “Liberal Fascism.”
Smiling Mortician said,
April 16, 2007 at 4:16
Why did Hassan Nasrallah divorce his wife? Because she always made him falafel!
Not sure exactly what happened to me this weekend, but I had to say this one out loud twice before I finally spat out my wine (and it’s a pretty nice Cab, too).
Oh, and Pope Buck, you rock. From now on, you’re on my Chopin Liszt.
Qetesh the Abyssinian said,
April 16, 2007 at 4:22
Okay, I’ve laughed out loud at two (RobW and PaulG), and recognised another one that I used to tell (Hysterical Woman). I’ll riposte with a really cheap one that I nicked from Weird Al…
Al Pacino lookalike chasing Al and friends around a TV studio. Hears a door slam.
Finds door of Supplies cupboard. Opens it.
Gedde Watanabe leaps out, shouting “Supplies!”
That represents one of my effectively one-word jokes: funnies that you can conjure with just one word. Others are:
(Ees) Hamster.
Bob.
Plectrum. (which is a great word all by itself)
Hey, where’d everybody go?
Michael Harrington said,
April 16, 2007 at 6:13
A documentary on the history of the Mexican shoe industry entitled “Viva Zapatos!”
The “Eurpides trousers, youmendadese trousers” joke was also used on “The Young Ones” long ago.
Shem said,
April 16, 2007 at 7:10
When an eel bites your leg, and the pain makes you beg … that’s a-moray!
(Courtesy of the comic strip The Fusco Brothers. The “Callahan’s Place” books by Spider Robinson had a bunch of other variations, such as:)
My new weapon’s a surprise, it pokes both your eyes — it’s a Moe Ray!
He’s a New Zealander man with a permanent tan — he’s a Maori!
Ms. Clio said,
April 16, 2007 at 8:47
One cannibal says to another, “Did that clown taste funny to you?”
ceabaird said,
April 16, 2007 at 9:15
Stanza 1:
“When a sharp-toothed eel takes a-hold of your face – that’s a Moray!”
Candy said,
April 16, 2007 at 16:05
“Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis hit the floor”…
…and just like that, his legs fell off.
MrWonderful said,
April 16, 2007 at 17:45
Ganesh–
Apologies. It’s just that I keep seeing Marine bumper stickers on cars at the supermarket, and needed a place to offload the joke.
Meanwhile, every school child knows that poodles are one of the most intelligent dogs “we’ve got,” and, as one writeup put it, “have an excellent
sense of humor.” A former girlfriend had two standards and they were hilarious.
Thank the handmaiden for me.
thepoliticalcat said,
April 16, 2007 at 18:00
Actually the Euripides line is a well-known joke among classics scholars:
What did the Greek tailor say to his customer?
“Euripides pants, Eumenides pants!”
At least that’s who I heard it from, 20 years ago.
thepoliticalcat said,
April 16, 2007 at 18:01
Oh, and I just remembered,
When an eel bites your thigh,
Brings a tear to your eye,
That’s a moray!
Take it from there!
Dayv said,
April 16, 2007 at 19:03
Col. Klink said,
I’ve got an unfinished joke -
“So in the year 2000, Ralph Nader walks into a crowded room in Florida and says it doesn’t matter who’s elected because Bush and Gore are essentially the same.� Anyway, the joke is ultimately on the American people.
I’ve got a funny joke: six-and-a-half years after the Democrats failed to prevent the Republicans from stealing the presidential election, some people are still blaming the Green Party candidate.
Dayv said,
April 16, 2007 at 19:06
Please note that I didn’t call Col. Klink an idiot. This is because I follow the totally awesome blogger’s code of ethics, wherein we don’t call people idiots no matter how much stupid falls out of their mouth. Thus, I am a civil blogger.
Luna said,
April 16, 2007 at 19:39
Spider Robinson did a bunch of the ‘moray’ ones in the Callahans books. (LOVE those books. LOVE) My favourite is, “If your vitamins be mostly B C and D take some more A”.
Article for the magazine: Who’s for Dessert? The National Association of Cannibals wants you!
Duros62 said,
April 16, 2007 at 20:49
So the first guy says, “Man that water’s cold.”
And the second guy says, ” Yeah. Deep, too.”
tigrismus said,
April 16, 2007 at 21:04
I said Kabuki, what was the correct answer? Sadly, Noh.
Guess what the zoo’s elephant insurance doesn’t cover? Sadly, nose.
I brought something old, something borrowed, and something blue, did I forget one? Sadly, new.
DocAmazing said,
April 16, 2007 at 21:22
We need to lower the level of discourse here:
I just rented the latest porn DVD. It’s got both Veronika Moser and Taylor Raine. ‘Scalled “Shitty Shitty Gang Bang”.
Glad that’s behind me.
HemlockEcho said,
April 16, 2007 at 21:46
Three men walk into a bar… you’d think the second two would have seen it coming.
I think the Greek joke should go more like, there is a Greek anarchist in a book shop saying something to his comrade like “If I tear-a those, will you Euripides?”
bartcopfan said,
April 16, 2007 at 23:36
“2) Something involving professional familiarity with excrement: ‘Shit Chat’”
…Scat Chat….
OK, Nathan beat me to it at 4/15/07 5:07. Good on him!
bartcopfan said,
April 16, 2007 at 23:37
Q: How do you top a car?
A: Tep on the brake, toopid!
Kathleen Thornberry said,
April 17, 2007 at 8:21
I have to chime in that “Shit Chat” is the only one that made me laugh OUT LOUD! I think it is the FUNNIEST, and “Scat Chat” is like totally NOT funny (to me anyway).
“SHIT CHAT” !!!
HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAHHAHAHAHH AHAHAHHAHAHAHAH(wipes away tear)
wordyeti said,
April 17, 2007 at 19:04
It seems I started something with the Callahan’s reference. Glad to see there are some other Spider Robinson fans out there … although, when I think about it, it makes sense. High intelligence + willingness to experiment with new medium + neo-hippie politics + sense of humor = Sadly, No.
Thanks for making me laugh. Just got back to LA from Moscow, by way of Amsterdam (and no, I didn’t get a chance to goof off there – my layover was only for 18 hours, due to a “misunderstanding” with the Red Army at Sheremetyevo Airport … man, the Russkies need to relax a bit).
And right back atcha Qetesh.
Arne Langsetmo said,
April 17, 2007 at 19:34
Been done.
The diver’s version:
“When you see in that reef all those bright shiny teeth, that’s a moray.
Put your hand in that crack and you won’t get it back, that’s a moray….”
Cheers,
Chris said,
April 17, 2007 at 19:59
Introduction to Women’s Fiction:
Clit Lit
Actually, that was the real nickname for a real course back in my college days.
Ann said,
August 26, 2007 at 9:09
I’m glad to read this blog.