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Let’s Help the White House
The White House wants to appoint a high-powered czar to oversee the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan with authority to issue directions to the Pentagon, the State Department and other agencies, but it has had trouble finding anyone able and willing to take the job, according to people close to the situation.
At least three retired four-star generals approached by the White House in recent weeks have declined to be considered for the position, the sources said, underscoring the administration’s difficulty in enlisting its top recruits to join the team after five years of warfare that have taxed the United States and its military.
“The very fundamental issue is, they don’t know where the hell they’re going,” said retired Marine Gen. John J. “Jack” Sheehan, a former top NATO commander who was among those rejecting the job.
See, the White House’s problem is that it needs to think outside the box on this one. Why are they searching for some fruity-assed “general” to run their war, when they’ve got plenty of brilliant military strategists at their disposal right here in the blogosphere! They don’t need no steenkin’ credentials! All they need are their copies of An End to Evil, America Alone and the World of Warcraft Strategy Guide! Army of Davids, bitches!
Above: Prospective war czar Dafydd ab Hugh.
I’ll review the candidates a little later when I get home from work tonight. Needless to say, I can’t wait to tell you about their brilliant plans to defeat Muslamonaziism once and for all!
UPDATE: Pajamas Media Blogger Libertarian Leanings comments:
Maybe it’s just [Gen.] Jack Sheehan who doesn’t know where the hell they’re going. The administration understands the mission, but the question has always been whether or not that mission can succeed. The administration, and I by the way, think we will succeed. The great majority of Iraqis hope we succeed. Unfortunately, al Qaeda, congressional Democrats, and the mainstream press, notably the Washington Post, all aim to break the American will to fight. It’s a race against the clock.
Yeah, boy! You tell that sissy-arsed general who’s boss! That’s the kind of can-do attitude we’re lookin’ for to be Bush’s war czar!
MzNicky said,
April 11, 2007 at 14:28
Wow! Where’d that guy get such big celery?
Brad R. said,
April 11, 2007 at 14:36
It is a mystery.
Mona said,
April 11, 2007 at 14:46
Enormous! The largest stalk I’ve ever seen. What does it mean?
owlbear1 said,
April 11, 2007 at 14:47
So Dick and George are trying the SEP method for solving Iraq.
Hysterical Woman said,
April 11, 2007 at 14:50
Wanted: Scapgoat War Czar.
Hysterical Woman said,
April 11, 2007 at 14:50
Oops, meant to do the strikeout thing
Brad R. said,
April 11, 2007 at 14:50
I should note that under our new editorial policy, I am forbidden from referring to someone as “a beanbag” or alleging that they are “made of ham” or commencing “an eat attack.”
steve_e said,
April 11, 2007 at 14:58
Who wants to be the designated fall guy for Bush? That’s crazy. If they can’t find a qualified person, they’ll either drop the search and move on to something else, or fill the position with a Bushie.
I don’t think many people realize how badly this occupation is going to affect the future of the United States. What we are doing to Iraq isn’t going to end overnight. It won’t fade from our memories by 2009, unless Zombie Reagan comes along and convinces the media and the Republicans that we “could have won”. There will be some bad repercussions.
Watch the wingnuts, America’s future domestic terrorists.
Pajamas Media Blogger Libertarian Leanings comments
Wonderful. Another interventionist libertarian. Who’d a thunk?
American Society for the Defense of Celery said,
April 11, 2007 at 15:00
Sirs:
I must protest in no uncertain terms to your photoshopping of a bunch of celery into a photograph of morbidly differently shaped noted fake Welshman Daffy ab Huge.
Celery is a healthy snack, rich in vitamins and minerals. Your association of Mr. ab Huge with celery is highly misleading and tends to disparage one of our nation’s finest vegetables. If you do not cease and desist, our fake Ann Althouses will be in touch with your fake Ann Althouses.
Have you ever actually walked in a mall with a giant bunch of celery? One is quickly surrounded by admiring throngs, eager for a delicious stalk.
May we suggest that, in the future, you photoshop a more appropriate food item, say, a giant submarine sandwich?
bklyn said,
April 11, 2007 at 15:08
should’nt they just promote Gonzo.
i hear he is looking for a job.
NobodySpecial said,
April 11, 2007 at 15:14
Pajamas Media Blogger Libertarian Leanings
Given the commentary history, I’d suggest the only ‘libertarian’ leanings that one has is towards large doses of LSD while studing the RoboReynolds.
steve_e said,
April 11, 2007 at 15:16
American Society for the Defense of Celery said
I understand your concern. I do not believe that Brad meant any harm. Perhaps celery’s high sodium content is causing Dafydd to retain water. I think there is a logical explanation for this picture.
MCH said,
April 11, 2007 at 15:24
Ah, that Pajamas guy libertarianly leans towards the “resolve makes it so” camp. I just love that argument. It’s “The Secret” for right-wingers.
His Grace said,
April 11, 2007 at 15:25
Damn that’s some fine wingnuttery. Dude, the Iraqis have wanted the US out of Iraq since, um, pretty much as soon as they got there.
And if it is a race against the clock to stop the grand cabal of the Washington Post, the Dihmmicracts and Al Qaeda to “break the American Will to fight” then, unfortunately for your raging war porn hardon, the American people
came to their senses“lost the will to fight”, uhhh last November or so.And if we could arrange for Kathleen Parker to get the Czar gig, that would be teh awesome.
captainkangaroo said,
April 11, 2007 at 15:51
that guy supports the troops by eating all their celery for them. do you think his garden is next to the nuclear power plant?
Marmoset said,
April 11, 2007 at 15:59
Crap… went to a bad place… it’s just that I can’t imagine a fellow like him actually eating celery… so he must be planning to do something else with it…. that’s when things got scary.
Ginger Yellow said,
April 11, 2007 at 16:00
“The White House wants to appoint a high-powered czar to oversee the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan with authority to issue directions to the Pentagon, the State Department and other agencies…”
What a brilliant idea. They could call him the “commander in chief”.
Strange Forces said,
April 11, 2007 at 16:07
So how is it that the current administration can still ask for war funding as “Emergency Funds?” We’ve already spent years and billions on Afghanistan and Iraq, by *their*own* reckoning we’ll be there for years to come, and now they want to create a new government position to oversee the whole circus?
billy pilgrim said,
April 11, 2007 at 16:10
Ah.
Re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic, again.
Well played, White House!
Did you know the Captain of the Titanic was a Libertarian? “Stay the Course!” said he. “The icebergs shall not fail to give way once they see how steadfast and sink-proof we are!”
True story.
J— said,
April 11, 2007 at 16:20
That’s not a stalk of celery. It’s a scepter of czardom.
bl0ndej0n said,
April 11, 2007 at 16:38
Lets just declare victory in the War on Drugs and bump the Drug Czar over. Then in a few decades we can declare victory over Terrah and create a Faith Czar.
yank in london said,
April 11, 2007 at 16:40
Won’t we need a Czar Czar soon?
bl0ndej0n said,
April 11, 2007 at 16:41
Lets just declare victory in the War on Drugs and bump the Drug Czar over. Then when we get tired of that, we can declare victory over Terrah and create a Culture Czar to direct the Culture War.
It’ll be theocratastic!
HemlockEcho said,
April 11, 2007 at 16:42
The administration, and I by the way, think we will succeed. The great majority of Iraqis hope we succeed.
The deceptive thing about a passage like this is that it makes it sound like everyone thinks and hopes we will succeed. A more accurate version might be:
The administration, and I by the way, think we will succeed [but, hey, we also *knew* there were WMDs and that this war would be quick and cheap]. The great majority of Iraqis hope we succeed [, but don't think we will and would rather us just leave than stay and try]. Unfortunately, [4 years of experience and all available facts] all aim to break the American will to fight.
Pluky said,
April 11, 2007 at 17:01
The obvious War Czar choice is Patriot Boy a.k.a. Jesus’ General.
Leonard Pierce said,
April 11, 2007 at 17:03
Oh, dear. Ab Hugh is regressing again. Can’t we Photoshop him with a huge Clif Bar or something?
The Heretik : Straight Talk said,
April 11, 2007 at 17:18
[...] Some may ask why the guy who calls himself the Commander in Chief all the time isn’t also the war czar since he is the guy who is supposed to give orders to the Pentagon, the State Department and other [...]
Righteous Bubba said,
April 11, 2007 at 17:26
“If we imagine that this celery could fire an RPG, and these novels-based-on-a-video-game are the RPGs themselves, then I DEMAND A BIG FUCKING SANDWICH!”
Redleg said,
April 11, 2007 at 17:44
The panty-waist neocons don’t know the difference between what the U.S. might want to do in Iraq, what it should do in Iraq, and what it can do in Iraq. Reality never seems to get in the way of a good war for those dim fuckers.
The Gun Toting Liberalâ„¢ said,
April 11, 2007 at 18:03
[...] Bloggers’ Opinions: Political Animal; Think Progress; PoliBlog; The Heretik; Sadly, No!; The Carpetbagger Report; The Drudge Retort Technorati Tags:Â Afghanistan, Bush, Colin [...]
mikey said,
April 11, 2007 at 18:09
The administration, and I by the way, think we will succeed
Ok. How can we enforce a rule that anybody who uses this construct, or it’s opposite (we must not fail in Iraq) MUST provide a reasonably detailed description of what success (or failure) would be, look like or include.
I mean, c’mon. All these asshats from cheney on down to daffy the huge sandwich eating duck talk about how we need to stick it out and “succeed”. Ok. Would that mean no Iranian influence in iraq? Would that mean an iraq that establishes diplomatic relations with israel? An iraq that buys US weapons systems? An iraq with less than fifty violent deaths a day? An iraq where all the iraqis are dead? What?
As long as no one holds their feet to the fire and insists they tell us what they really mean when they say “success”, it’s nothing but an abstract word game. Just like when they say same-sex marriage will destroy the institution of marriage. Nobobdy ever makes them say how that can be. Pisses me off…
mikey
Rufus said,
April 11, 2007 at 18:16
This would be a good time for W to make a grand gesture, to reach out across the aisle and clasp hands with the opposition party, and appoint – John Kerry.
Irony, bitches!
Retarded Donut said,
April 11, 2007 at 18:35
Have they asked Harriet Miers yet?
nick said,
April 11, 2007 at 18:40
Crap… went to a bad place… it’s just that I can’t imagine a fellow like him actually eating celery… so he must be planning to do something else with it…. that’s when things got scary.
Whatever you do, marmoset, don’t let him show you his “green thumb.” You’ll never sleep again.
kiche said,
April 11, 2007 at 18:47
while it’s good to see daffy finally eating healthy, i’d still really suggest a a bath, a shave, and perhaps a trip to a clothes store.
Bistroist said,
April 11, 2007 at 18:54
On a somewhat but not terribly related note; have you guys seen Robert Fisk’s piece in today’s Independent? Smells like… victory? No, no, what’s the word, um… oh yeah; hopeless, bloody clusterfuck.
AkaDad said,
April 11, 2007 at 19:08
I believe any War Czarâ„¢ must be at least, a level 60 in World of Warcraft…
Giant Sub Sandwich said,
April 11, 2007 at 21:33
Dear sirs,
I wish to complain about the previous letter regarding celery. Some of my best friends are celery and only a few of them have been consumed by fake Welshman.
Sincerely,
5 foot of meaty goodness
PS I am not a fake Ann Althouse.
Jim Davis said,
April 11, 2007 at 22:05
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH…the celery is smarter than the president….HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….BTW….if he doesn’t want to be the decider any longer…….maybe he can eat some celery with his pretzels
a different brad said,
April 11, 2007 at 22:45
Not that this is the place to ask, but would a war czar even be legal? This smacks of major desperation, like someone just told GW he’s actually the fall guy here.
No George, you don’t get to replace Bud Selig in 09 and ruin baseball next.
You get to go to jail, while Cheney and his bosses die of being old assholes and/or laugh.
P.S, I have been Ann Althouse, but I have never kissed the editor of the radio times.
Unseen Hand Wanking said,
April 11, 2007 at 23:07
What we need here is obviously a whipping boy to take the blame, someone that everyone can mock for their utter failure. Someone other than Commander Codpiece, of course.
I nominate DoughBob Pantload!
But if he won’t accept, they could always bring back Heckuvajob Brownie out of retirement.
His Grace said,
April 11, 2007 at 23:13
My guess would be not, although I am no great constitutional scholar. I’m pretty sure the chain of command is set by congressional legislation (see wikipedia here. (if I screw up the link… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/US_Military#Organization )
I don’t know what exactly a Czar in this case would do, but if it were to be construed that he or she were giving orders to the military that would likely be illegal. If it is a coordinators job though, then what’s the point? I sincerely doubt the ability to write a detailed memorandum will save Iraq at this point.
PS We are all Ann Althouse.
Principal Blackman said,
April 11, 2007 at 23:27
A great suggestion was made over at Balloon Juice:
“I would nominate Bill Clinton. The Repubs will blame him anyway so it will save a lot of time and effort creating talking points.”
Jrod said,
April 11, 2007 at 23:30
I should note that under our new editorial policy, I am forbidden from referring to someone as “a beanbag� or alleging that they are “made of ham� or commencing “an eat attack.�
Can we at least call him a “trick creature?” Daffy ab Duck qualifies on several levels, not the least of which is that he’s the perfect choice to be the Czar of Terror. Mostly ‘cuz he’s dumb enough to take the job.
Lesley said,
April 12, 2007 at 1:19
That roboshop contest winner would make a good War Czar.
Lesley said,
April 12, 2007 at 1:21
Czelery!
Anne Laurie said,
April 12, 2007 at 1:29
Dafyd wears the expression of a man who never realized that green stuff was edible.
Our C-in-C wears the expression of a man who never realized “I’ma hold ma breff until I turns bleeeeuuu!” is not a winning debate tactic.
Repubs appoint a Czar whenever they decide that a situation has moved from “issue to be solved” to “concept to be marketed”. Unfortunately, the Operation Enduring Fubar concept is going to be a *very* complicated marketing proposition, what with the sinkhole of lives, money, national prestige, etc. I know Karl Rove is a direct-marketing genius, but there’s only so much lipstick can do for a pig.
cowalker said,
April 12, 2007 at 1:36
A Modest Proposal
Tsar Joseph the Turncoat
MrWonderful said,
April 12, 2007 at 1:54
TO: Amer. Soc. for the Def. of Celery
FR: Wonderful
Sir:
While I bow to no man (or woman) in admiration for your noble vegetable–and feel inspired at this moment to point out that one actually loses weight eating celery, since the calories obtained from it are fewer than the calories expended in the eating of it–I must take pains to correct your use of the term “stalk.”
A single long segment of celery is a “rib.” The entire bundle of them taken together is the “stalk.”
It’s a common error. Don’t blame yourself. Carry on.
The Crapture said,
April 12, 2007 at 2:05
War Czar?
pardon my uncivil reaction the concept but WHAT THE FUCK?!
I thought mister War Preznit/Decidererer in chief was all over that shit?
Between his constitutional role as Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces and his backdo- erm back up man the Secretary of Defense, we shouldn’t need a “war czar”
Oh, wait, silly me…nobody in the “personal responsibility” crowd wants to keep their name attached to this ongoing clusterfuck and it’s not like Furher King Monkeypants had anywhere near the competence to match his enthusiasm for spending the lives of others.
KD said,
April 12, 2007 at 2:22
Hey, isn’t this guy in between gigs? I think he will be perfect:
http://articles.news.aol.com/news/_a/fema-chief-comes-under-scrutiny/20050906222709990005
thegeneral said,
April 12, 2007 at 2:54
“I believe any War Czarâ„¢ must be at least, a level 60 in World of Warcraft…”
No No No, this is where we’ve being going wrong, Age of Empires, is the thing, or even Rome, at a push.
Marq said,
April 12, 2007 at 8:56
Y’know, before I’d scrolled far enough down into the article to see the pic, I thought to myself, “He’s gonna suggest Dafydd ab Hugh–I just know it!” And, waddya know/ Right again!
Moxie said,
April 12, 2007 at 13:01
The administration, and I by the way, think we will succeed
Ok. How can we enforce a rule that anybody who uses this construct, or it’s opposite (we must not fail in Iraq) MUST provide a reasonably detailed description of what success (or failure) would be, look like or include.
How about we enforce a rule that anybody who says something that fucking stupid gets frogmarched down to the local recruiting office? I’m getting pretty sick of the 101st Fighting Keyboard Brigade. Speaking of which, Mr. Veggie ab Hugh looks like he’d be a perfect fit for special forces. You know, those special forces we have that fight with celery…and endive…and really HUGE cucumbers…
As for war czar, why don’t they just pull Barry Mccaffrey out of retirement? He’s an acknowledged expert in the bulk-lot slaughter of swarthy foreigners, and I hear he’s got the whole czar thing down pat.
Moxie said,
April 12, 2007 at 13:13
On a related note, and if anyone could use a good laugh, check out the entry in Daffy’s blog where he and his friends explain why a return to the military draft would be a mistake. It would be bad for, uh, strategic reasons. Yeah, that’s the ticket…
Moxie said,
April 12, 2007 at 13:19
“The Sadly, No! HTML Academy improved my HTML coding skills 100 percent! Now I can get that shit web designer job I’ve always wanted! Thank you, Sadly No!”
I can see you guys on matchbook covers everywhere…
isaac said,
April 12, 2007 at 23:23
the washington post? ah well, you know what they say about a guy with a big celery, right? it means he’s got a really big rabbit… a really big rabbit