[Note from the typesetting dep't: This has been sitting in the queue over at Gilly's place since last Monday, and is, like Ann herself, quickly approaching its expiration date. When they post it there, we'll do a redirecty-thing.]
If you’re as bad a person as we are, you’ve been wondering what ol’ Ann Coulter has been up to lately besides her annual yam-smearing performance-art piece at the Conservative Political Action Convention — where last year she famously called people of Arab descent ‘ragheads,’ and this year called John Edwards a ‘faggot.’
Like Ann herself, CPAC comes only once a year, and Ann’s attention-getting powers have been waning of late, forcing her inexorably off the serious talk shows and into the conservative equivalent of the dinner-show circuit — foundation-funded lecture appearances, foundation-guaranteed book royalties, a column foothold at the foundation-supported Human Events Magazine. Ann is expensive, and her usefulness is no longer as clear as it was a couple of years ago, when she rated a cover story in Time Magazine. Add to the situation that Michelle Malkin is creeping up like Eve Harrington to Ann’s Margo Channing, conducting an all-media campaign to clean up her smeary credibility and steal Coulter’s position as America’s favorite wingnut firecracker, and you’ve got a woman in trouble.
What does Ann do? She does what made her famous in the first place, only more of it — and that means super-hysterical attention-seeking tantrums. Let’s gawk!
LET THEM EAT TOFU!
By Ann Coulter
Legal Affairs Correspondent, Human Events
Even right-wingers who know that “global warming” is a crock do not seem to grasp what the tree-huggers are demanding. Liberals want mass starvation and human devastation.
Cripes, two sentences in, and already she’s onto us.
Forget the lunacy of people claiming to tell us the precise temperature of planet Earth in 1918 based on tree rings. Or the fact that in the ’70s liberals were issuing similarly dire warnings about “global cooling.”
This was because of the cooling trend from the 1940s to the 1970s, which we induced with our giant polar lasers.
Now, Ann: In the ’70s, conservatives were issuing dire warnings about a “cold war.” And now it’s allegedly a “hot war?” Once you conservatives make up your minds about the temperature of this so-called war you’re always talking about, we’ll think about espousing global stay-the-sameing. No promises; we shall betray you at our whim. Muaha, resistance-is-useless, seize-them.
Simply consider what noted climatologists Al Gore and Melissa Etheridge are demanding that we do to combat their nutty conjectures about “global warming.” They want us to starve the productive sector of fossil fuel and allow the world’s factories to grind to a halt. This means an end to material growth and a cataclysmic reduction in wealth.
And then we unleash the giant metal insects.
There are more reputable scientists defending astrology than defending “global warming,” but liberals simply announce that the debate has been resolved in their favor and demand that we shut down all production.
More reputable scientists defending astrology?! If only there were some way to evaluate this claim, perhaps via the Internet…
[Zeerp] “Hello, dum-dums.”
Oh, it’s the Great Gazoogle. Say, what’s this?
Global Warming Sceptic Bingo
Posted by Tim Lambert
Reading and listening to global warming sceptics can get a little tedious because they keep trotting out the same discredited arguments. So Iâ€™ve come up with a little game you can play to make it more interesting. I call it Global Warming Sceptic Bingo! Just tick the box when they use the argument next to it. Get four in a row and you win!
Huh. I see every single argument in this column on the bingo grid, except for the one about astrology.
“Sorry, dum-dum. It’s uniquely stupid.” [Zeerp!]
Well. You don’t run across one of those every day.
Oh yeah, right: death, starvation, destruction. Must stay on plan.
They think they can live in a world of only Malibu and East Hampton — with no Trentons or Detroits. It does not occur to them that someone has to manufacture the tiles and steel and glass and solar panels that go into those “eco-friendly” mansions, and someone has to truck it all to their beachfront properties, and someone else has to transport all the workers there to build it. (And then someone has to drive the fleets of trucks delivering the pachysandra and bottled water every day.)
Hey, an army of genetically-engineered ape slaves. What could go wrong?
Above: Future Brent Bozell decries
pro-chimp media bias
Liberals are already comfortably ensconced in their beachfront estates, which they expect to be unaffected by their negative growth prescriptions for the rest of us.
There was more energy consumed in the manufacture, construction and maintenance of Leonardo DiCaprio’s Malibu home than is needed to light the entire city of Albuquerque, where there are surely several men who can actually act. But he has solar panels to warm his house six degrees on chilly Malibu nights.
Oh, Great Gazoogle! Was there more energy consumed in the manufacture, construction, and maintenance of…
…city of Albuquerque? Oh.
Liberals haven’t the foggiest idea how the industrial world works. They act as if America could reduce its vast energy consumption by using fluorescent bulbs and driving hybrid cars rather than SUVs. They have no idea how light miraculously appears when they flick a switch or what allows them to go to the bathroom indoors in winter — luxuries Americans are not likely to abandon because Leo DiCaprio had solar panels trucked into his Malibu estate.
Until the (heh heh) earthquake ray changes their mind. Seriously, Ann, there’s this thing called a ‘light bulb,’ and another called a ‘toilet.’ The one is what keeps not appearing over your head whenever you don’t
have an idea, and the other is where you jettison the lobster thermidor while the dessert plates are coming.
“Global warming” is the left’s pagan rage against mankind. If we can’t produce industrial waste, then we can’t produce.
This is certainly true for Ann.
Some of us — not the ones with mansions in Malibu and Nashville is my guess — are going to have to die. To say we need to reduce our energy consumption is like saying we need to reduce our oxygen consumption.
Notice she didn’t say ‘eat less.’ Ann has been looking more like a Christian Dior stick-insect than usual lately. But hold onto your seat — now she really gets going:
Liberals have always had a thing about eliminating humans. Stalin wanted to eliminate the kulaks and Ukranians, vegetarian atheist Adolf Hitler wanted to eliminate the Jews, Planned Parenthood founder Margaret Sanger wanted to eliminate poor blacks, DDT opponent Rachel Carson wanted to eliminate Africans (introduction to her book “Silent Spring” written by … Al Gore!), and population-control guru Paul Ehrlich wants to eliminate all humans.
See, there’s where we liberal Nazi-commie-environmento-contraceptionists reveal Ann as a dilettante. She only wants to exterminate the Muslims. We want it all!
Not that we’re as successful as we’d like. There’s another bingo page over at Deltiod for the lie about Rachel Carson and the nonexistent ‘Third-World ban on DDT’ that certain right-wing lobbyists keep trying to push. Margaret Sanger — well, contraception kills billions of sperm, truly, but so does Ann’s gaze.
But global warming is the most insane, psychotic idea liberals have ever concocted to kill off “useless eaters.”
Ever? Even more than the time machine we built to drop bubonic plague bombs on the Lost Kingdom of Unicornia, to prevent Sparkly the Unicorn from developing her Universal Prosperity Ray?
That was pretty insane, Ann. We’re beginning to think you have a tendency to exaggerate for effect.
If we have to live in a pure “natural” environment like the Indians, then our entire transcontinental nation can only support about 1 million human beings.
Surprisingly, this is also wrong.
Sorry, fellas — 299 million of you are going to have to go.
And shockingly, Ann didn’t even check her population figures, because this is more than the total population of the US.
Proving that the “global warming” campaign is nothing but hatred of humanity, these are the exact same people who destroyed the nuclear power industry in this country 30 years ago.
Dammit, we needed the uranium for our radioactive robot monster, ok?
If we accept for purposes of argument their claim that the only way the human race can survive is with clean energy that doesn’t emit carbon dioxide, environmentalists waited until they had safely destroyed the nuclear power industry to tell us that. This proves they never intended for us to survive.
Seriously here for a second. Can you imagine that a normal human being is typing this stuff — let alone a lavishly-rewarded, mansion-inhabiting author and columnist? Fun’s fun, but when your writing start to literally (not just metaphorically) resemble the text of Sharpie-scrawled jeremiads taped to subway-station pillars, then people start to wonder not only why you’re still famous, but why you’re being allowed to run around unsupervised in a world full of innocent bystanders.
“Global warming” is the liberal’s stalking horse for their ultimate fantasy: The whole U.S. will look like Amagansett, with no one living in it except their even-tempered maids (for “diversity”), themselves and their coterie (all, presumably, living in solar-heated mansions, except the maids who will do without electricity altogether). The entire fuel-guzzling, tacky, beer-drinking, NASCAR-watching middle class with their over-large families will simply have to die.
(Bwahaha!) No, Mr. Naked Trucker and Mr. T-Bones, we don’t expect you to beg. We expect you to…die.
It seems not to have occurred to the jet set that when California is as poor as Mexico, they might have trouble finding a maid.
Like, because there will be so many people around looking for work? Unlike most points in this column, this seems poorly thought-out.
Without trucking, packaging, manufacturing, shipping and refrigeration in their Bel-Air fantasy world, they’ll be chasing the rear-end of an animal every time their stomachs growl and killing small animals for pelts to keep their genitals warm.
Woo, sounds even kinkier than the Good Vibrations catalogue, or other haute-bourgeois amenities of that nature. But one thing: Where is the tofu? The title promised tofu. We distinctly do not see the tofu in this equation, and the lack of a promised Utopian future of tofu — a tofuture as it were — totally harshes on our entire plan to destroy the…
Because, okay. Seriously now. Better column title: ‘HAIL SEITAN’