17
The Yolk’s on Teheran
Victor Davis Hanson, everybody’s favorite William Tecumseh Sherman fetishist, gets all Iron Chef on Ahmadinejad’s ass:
Imagine that Iran is a hardboiled egg with a thin shell. We should tap it lightly wherever we can – until tiny fissures join and shatter the shell.
Tap it with the spoon of diplomacy or the butter knife of sanctions? Or perhaps the fork of Michael Ledeen’s tongue? We eagerly await your belaboring of the hardboiled egg metaphor. And your reconciling its use with the well-known fact that Leonidas was an over-easy man.
We can begin to do this by pushing international accords and doggedly ratcheting up the weak United Nations sanctions.
Sanctions? Shocking, sir. We have come to expect far more naked bloodlust from your wistful, syndicated remembrances of ruthlessness past.
We should start another fissure by prodding the European Union, presently Iran’s chief trading partner, to be more vocal and resolute in pressuring Iran. … Americans should continue to support Iranian dissidents. We need not encourage dissidents to go into the street, where they could be shot. Instead we can offer them media help and access to the West. Americans can highlight the plight of women, minorities and liberals in Iran – just the groups that so appeal to the elite Western left.
Your lucidity and restraint on this subject is becoming quite distressing, Mr. Hanson. We fear that Adam Yoshida has already added you to his list of people whose televised heads he pretends to crush between his thumb and forefinger.
And we should announce in advance that we don’t want any bases in Iran, that we don’t want its oil, and that we won’t send American infantry there. That would preempt the tired charges of imperialism and colonialism.
Aha! Now we’re getting somewhere! Classic, headspinningly passive-aggressive VDH. First, deny reality (in this case, positing that seven years into the Bush administration, anybody has any reason to trust what we say we’ll do), then finish up with some retroactive righteous indignation against that reality.
If you’ve followed his career, you’ll recognize that he’s quite brilliant at this sort of fudging of the is/ought dichotomy. Cutting through the crap, here’s what he says in the above graf:
- People think we’re assholes.
- We should say we’re not assholes.
- Then people won’t think we’re assholes anymore.
Oh, if only it were so easy. Moving on:
The United States also must stabilize Iraq and Afghanistan. The last thing Iran wants is a democratic and prosperous Middle East surrounding its borders.
Or, you know, maybe the last thing Iran wants is a pair of violent, chaotic hellholes surrounding its borders. Jesus H. Christ, man. Can we at least get Iraq’s suicide bombings and Afghanistan’s warlord raids down to a dull roar before we start smarming on about how much Evil!Iran fears those countries’ prosperity?
We should say nothing much about the presence of two or three U.S. carrier groups in the Persian Gulf and Mediterranean. Iran will soon grasp on its own that the build-up of such forces might presage air strikes that the United States excels in – and not more ground fighting that the American public apparently won’t any longer stomach.
Way to go, VDH. Iran was completely in the dark about the fact that we have a navy until you opened your big, fat mouth. Now they’re fucking on to us. Ixnay on iego-Day arcia-Gay, capiche?
Oh, and love the little shout-out to Cheney at the end of that graf.
Let’s also keep our distance and moderate our rhetoric. There’s no reason to frighten average Iranians – who may share our antipathy to their country’s regime – or to make therapeutic pleas to talk with those leaders in bunkers whom we know are our enemies.
Ah, screw it. You’re going all reasonable on us again. We suggest you go over to Glenn Reynolds’ house and play ninjas with him before you write your next column.
El Cid said,
February 17, 2007 at 5:03
Although it had to do with the omelet metaphor than the hardboiled egg metaphor (by the way, if we fissure and break the shell, then what?), here’s my treatment of that metaphor with regard to Iraq. I think I posted it on Digby’s some months ago:
***************************************
One thing about that expression, “You can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs” that I hear sometimes when pundits talk about Iraq.
Yeah, um, where’s the omelet?
You get these right wing freaktards who go into a grocery store and start throwing the egg cartons off their shelves and jumping up and down on them and pissing and sh**ing all over the mess on the floor.
And then you ask them what the hell they’re doing, and they look at you like you somehow can’t see what’s right in front of your eyes.
“Well,” they say, “you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.”
And the media are like the store employees whom you thought would be interested in stopping this sh***y, pissy eggy mess.
And instead of intervening or shouting a complaint to the store security guard they say, “Yeah, why don’t you think we should make omelettes?”
Apparently this goes on for, like, 5 years, until the entire store is filled with the rank, rotten putrid stench of rotting eggs and piss and sh**.
And by that time, it has somehow dawned on maybe 6 out of 10 customers that there’s no omelet, and that they want no part of it.
******************************
I remembered this and I think, maybe we’ve actually moved past egg metaphors as a method of foreign policy.
Righteous Bubba said,
February 17, 2007 at 5:05
I remembered this and I think, maybe we’ve actually moved past egg metaphors as a method of foreign policy.
Let’s move on to turtles then. You can break their shells and then they’ll feel agony and die.
Demogenes Aristophanes said,
February 17, 2007 at 5:14
More importantly, of the 248,000 results on Google for “william tecumseh sherman” … 246,500 lead to Victor Davis Hanson columns.
His Grace said,
February 17, 2007 at 5:14
I love this sort of thinking. The US must stabilize Iraq and Afghanistan. You hear it all the time from the pundits. Yet, strangely, no one seems to understand how to achieve this goal. Indeed they seem to completely ignore the fact that the US has been trying to stabilize Iraq and Afghanistan for quite a while and it hasn’t worked.
Righteous Bubba said,
February 17, 2007 at 5:21
Iraq was on the evening news
I never thought I’d see a war so screwed
See a war so screwed
With torture cells and tawdry lies
The kind of lies that make me want to spew
Make me want to spew
And Iran, Iran’s not far away
Iran, Iran all night and day
I couldnt get away
Lawnguylander said,
February 17, 2007 at 5:25
We need not encourage dissidents to go into the street, where they could be shot.
If dissidents in Iran are going to be shot then they’ll just have to be patient and wait until we re-establish the Peacock Throne and the SAVAK. Ahhh, the good old days when we controlled the Iranian oil industry. Can’t imagine why there would be any paranoia over there about US intentions.
EdsAppliance said,
February 17, 2007 at 5:25
Victor Davis Hanson is ignorant of TIME CUBE.
Teh Stabilizers®©³² said,
February 17, 2007 at 5:26
His Grace, we have been quite successful in achieving what we set out to do.
War is peace, Freedom is slavery, Ignorance is strength.
Aquagirl said,
February 17, 2007 at 5:31
“We should start another fissure by prodding the European Union, presently Iran’s chief trading partner, to be more vocal and resolute in pressuring Iran.”
Hey, Europe, yeah it’s me. Yeah, I know I haven’t returned your phone calls in a while but I miss you baby, I’m so lonely without you. No, I’m not just interested in your Iran sanctions, aw, that hurts baby, that really hurts. I’ve changed, baby, I swear.
Notorious P.A.T. said,
February 17, 2007 at 5:42
maybe we’ve actually moved past egg metaphors as a method of foreign policy
We need to treat Iran like a pile of spaghetti and stop trying to pull it towards nuclear dismantlement, but instead push it toward international participation. How’s that?
Dorothy said,
February 17, 2007 at 5:47
This is country.
This is country on drugs.
Any questions?
Carl Ballard said,
February 17, 2007 at 5:49
I usually just roll it on the table until the shell peels away. What’s that a metaphor for? Also, usually when I eat an egg, it doesn’t, you know, fight back. But it does up my cholesterol in similar fashon to us losing our support in the world. What I’m saying is that I probably need to go on a diet. A diet of peace!!!!!!
Some Guy said,
February 17, 2007 at 5:50
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffxXkeezIWc
Is the first thing that pop’ed into my head with his “Egg” theorum.
Christ, I’ve read better step-by-step instructions in a Japanese translated technical manual.
His Grace said,
February 17, 2007 at 5:51
I would agree with you ifthethunderdontgetya, but at least the villains of 1984 were on some level competent. The glory years of Bush’s America have always struck me as if Benny Hill wrote the book instead of Orwell.
EdsAppliance said,
February 17, 2007 at 6:26
A Yakety Sax smashing a human face, forever.
Snag said,
February 17, 2007 at 7:14
What’s the difference between a VDH metaphor and a hormone?
You can’t understand a VDH metaphore.
g said,
February 17, 2007 at 7:16
I really like egg salad with sweet pickle relish. Where does that fit into the metaphor? II think Persian people like to eat salads with parsley and onions. I’m OK with that in egg salad. I’m not sure about Persian pickles, though, but I like those bright pink pickled radishes you get at Falafel King.
Major Woody said,
February 17, 2007 at 8:29
Imagine that Iran is a hardboiled egg with a thin shell. We should tap it lightly wherever we can – until tiny fissures join and shatter the shell.
No, let’s imagine that Iran is a comely, willing member of whatever sexual persuasion we happen to prefer. We should put on some Barry White, and say “Oh baby!”, and caress Iran gently with butterfly kisses. Ohhhh, yeah!
No, wait, let’s imagine Iran is a package of cereal that’s really hard to open. We should try to rip a hole in Iran with our teeth. Of course, Iran will probably tear open and scatter Islamo-Bites all over the Middle East, and we’ll be stuck trying to clean it up for decades. Hey, this is already a pretty good analogy for that other country we’ve already liberated, isn’t it?
Qetesh the Abyssinian said,
February 17, 2007 at 9:01
I remembered this and I think, maybe we’ve actually moved past egg metaphors as a method of foreign policy.
It’s only because VDH went to adult night classes on foreign policy, and went into the wrong classroom and got “Cooking for adult morons, stage one: the egg”. And then he was too embarrassed to admit that he’d got the wrong door, so he stayed for 26 classes on what to do with eggs. Them’s not metaphors, them’s his foreign policy ideas.
What he’s not saying is that the Bush junta has tried whacking those eggs with hammers (Afghanistan) and then, learning from the Chinese, subjecting them to The Death Of A Thousand Cuts (that’s cuts, kids). The end results in both cases have been an egg-laminated kitchen.
I also hafta say these comments represent some of the highest wit in the known universe. I laughed myself stupid (so now I could almost believe VDH…naaah, not that stupid).
vaara said,
February 17, 2007 at 9:33
We probably won’t be hearing much from the Sage of Fresno over the next three weeks. He has movie tickets to camp out for!
funkyb0ss said,
February 17, 2007 at 9:48
I can’t decide whether I like Victor Davis Geranium Placebo Sans-A-Belt Hanson, or
Victor Davis Tamborine Marzipan Precambrian Hanson, or
Victor Davis Ice Station Zebra Hanson the best. I’m leaning toward Otto Man’s. Whaddayathink?
funkyb0ss said,
February 17, 2007 at 9:52
That’ll learn me to try HTML while drunk, here’s the link for real (I hope):
http://www.thepoorman.net/2007/01/16/2006-fluffy
Herr Doktor Bimler said,
February 17, 2007 at 10:34
Imagine that Iran is a hardboiled egg with a thin shell.
Imagine that this piece of green putty is really a large glass of 16-year-old Lagavulin. No ice.
Lou Cyphre said,
February 17, 2007 at 10:40
In some cultures, the egg represents the soul. Would you like an egg, Mr. Angel?
R. Porrofatto said,
February 17, 2007 at 15:35
And we should announce in advance that we don’t want any bases in Iran, that we don’t want its oil, and that we won’t send American infantry there. That would preempt the tired charges of imperialism and colonialism.
Hmm, it certainly seems like VDH is saying that if some nameless country sent American infantry into another country, set up lots of military bases, and wanted its oil, then the invading country would have met the criteria that would justify charges of imperialism and colonialism.
Good thing this is all hypothetical.
steve_e said,
February 17, 2007 at 16:46
Dude, God is the only guy big enough to eat an omelette made out of a whole country.
And Muslims believe in the Abrahamic God; the same God the Christians and Jews believe in.
Oh shit. We’re feeding God with protein-rich eggs. He’ll only become stronger and then smash us all.
Or is that all part of the plan, minus the nutrition? The religious nuts get their Apocalypse and the bloodthirsty maniacs get to think they are braking eggs.
tigrismus said,
February 17, 2007 at 17:17
he stayed for 26 classes on what to do with eggs.
I heard that Matt Drudge taught that course.
Righteous Bubba said,
February 17, 2007 at 17:26
Whaddayathink?
Victor Davis The Cute One Is Taylor Hanson.
islmfaoscist said,
February 17, 2007 at 17:59
The Turdblossom method to tell if an egg is hardboiled — spin it furiously and see how quickly it falls over.
El Cid said,
February 17, 2007 at 18:04
By the way, I just want to clarify, I have nothing against eggs, nor omelets.
I am, however, in favor of pushing people to actually outline real arguments for foreign policies, in the most literal terms possible, in defining what actions they think should be carried out and what the likely consequences of those actions are.
If they need to eat more eggs and egg products in order to gain the strength to do this, then more power to the incredible, edible, you know.
But I think people resort to metaphors not to illustrate a clear and strong argument, but to hide the fact that their arguments for preferred policies are actually weak or perhaps not even clear in the first place.
In unrelated news, apparently you can ‘boil’ eggs in their shell by baking them in low heat ovens for long periods, say 150 degrees for 50 minutes or so. This is not useful, but it is interesting. From some NYT article about a French chef who is often called a “molecular gastronomist” but he doesn’t like that title.
steve_e said,
February 17, 2007 at 18:34
“But I think people resort to metaphors not to illustrate a clear and strong argument, but to hide the fact that their arguments for preferred policies are actually weak or perhaps not even clear in the first place.”
Orwell’s “Politics and The English Language” is a short, simple evisceration of Victor Protagoras Hanson’s brand of bullshit. Conservative “writers” should track down that essay and take a look. They might learn something. I told a wingnut relative to read the essay. Reluctantly, he agreed (It has words! Dat’s for intellektuals!). He didn’t understand it.
Dan Someone said,
February 17, 2007 at 18:40
Indeed they seem to completely ignore the fact that the US has been trying to stabilize Iraq and Afghanistan for quite a while and it hasn’t worked.
“…and I would have got away with it, too, if it weren’t for those meddlin’ libruls!”
Hysterical Woman said,
February 17, 2007 at 19:26
Let’s move on to turtles then. You can break their shells and then they’ll feel agony and die.
This is both on-topic and off-topic at the same time then: http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/hidden-gems-weekend.php
g said,
February 17, 2007 at 19:40
Kuku Sabzi
(Persian Herb Frittata)
4-6 servings
8 eggs
1/4 teaspoon powdered saffron
1 tablespoon whole wheat flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 tablespoon zereshk (dried barberries)
2 tablespons finely chopped walnuts
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
2 tablespoons olive oil
2 cups total of mixed chopped fresh herbs:
chives
parsley
dill
coriander
1 teaspoon dried fenugreek
Preheat oven to 350° F
Soak the barberries in cold water for 15 minutes before cooking. Drain well.
Reconstitute saffron in 2 tablespoons hot water.
Beat eggs well, then add saffron water,baking powder, salt, black pepper, flour, barberries, and walnuts. Add chopped herbs and mix gently.
Coat the bottom and sides of an oven safe baking dish with oil, and pour egg and herb mixture in. Cover with foil to prevent over browning of the top, and bake for 30-40 minutes. Remove foil halfway through the baking process.
Cool and cut into wedges for service.
(Zereshk, or barberries, are similar to red currants, so you can substitute these if you can’t find zereshk)
ifthethunderdontgetya³² said,
February 17, 2007 at 21:05
Senator Joe Lieberman (I-Lie) has just voted against allowing a debate on the Iraq escalation attempt come to a vote on the floor of the Senate.
My contempt for Joe Lieberman will never die.
owlbear1 said,
February 17, 2007 at 21:53
Bushie plans are so amazing.
First: “THE NOBLE GOAL”
“My plan with bring Freedom to the entire Middle East and will usher in World Wide Peace and Prosperity.”
(Praise self for having a plan that will bring freedom to the entire Middle East and for being SO NOBLE about wanting world wide peace and prosperity.)
Second: “THE DIRE WARNING”
“IF my plan doesn’t work its because others have failed and they are to blame for the lack of Freedom in the entire Middle East and the World Wide Violence and Poverty.”
(Praise self for being so ‘world wise’ and intellectually superior.)
Third: “Reveal THE PLAN”
“My plan first entails killing everyone currently in the Middle East who is against FREEDOM IN THE MIDDLE EAST AND WORLD WIDE PEACE AND PROSPERITY!!!!
(Shouting the end goals of the plan as loudly as possible will make sure its seen for the noble and brave plan that it is.)
Finally: “SEE STEP TWO”
“Its obvious the current of the Middle East DO NOT want FREEDOM and HATE the WORLD.”
(Its a failure on the part of ALL the current residents of the Middle East for NOT allowing themselves to be killed that is stopping MY NOBLE GOAL!!)
But remember I HAD A NOBLE GOAL! That is all that matters!
a different brad said,
February 17, 2007 at 22:54
Waaaaaaay off topic, but I had to share this.
It’s a quote from the baseball book The Lords of the Realm.
” ‘Does he (George W. Bush) know that he doesn’t really run this team?” a writer once asked a Rangers official. ‘No, no,’ said the official, ‘and don’t you dare tell him.’ ”
can’t tell say what page it’s on, cause I got it off a list of quotes from the net
but damn, that’s purty
French Cookery Instructor said,
February 17, 2007 at 23:29
Voila, an egg!
Now an egg is not a stone. It is not made of wood.
It is a living thing with a heart.
So when we crack it we must not torment it.
We must be merciful and execute it quickly, like with the guillotine.
It is done with one hand. Kindly watch the wrist.
Voila. One, two, three, crack!
You see? It is all in the wrist.
And now, everybody, take an egg.
One, two, three, crack!
New egg. One, two, three, crack!
New egg. One, two, three, crack!
Take an egg. Crack!
The wrist, huh? Like a whip. You watch.
One, two, three, crack! New egg.
Al said,
February 18, 2007 at 6:05
President Ahmadinejad’s views are summarized on this website: ahmadinejadquotes.blogspot.com
K. Ron Silkwood said,
February 18, 2007 at 8:23
Shouldn’t VD be submitting a manuscript to one of the wingnut publishers: _The Art of War and Selected Recipes_?
BallardJoe said,
February 18, 2007 at 19:22
My favorite way to peel a hard-boiled egg is first to take another egg and smash it on the floor. I then get my mom and explain to her how the hard-boiled egg is out of control and keeps throwing the other eggs on the floor. Mom gets a slightly odd look on her face but but can’t think of anything to say. She backs slowly out of the kitchen , has a few drinks, does some oxycontin, and watches TV until she passes out. I then take two 38 magnum revolvers and leave them next to the egg for several months. Then, sometime in late spring when the weather is just right, I blast the crap out of the egg.
Of course, it leaves my kitchen smelling like rotten eggs and full of bullet holes, but that egg was going to go rotten anyway. There’s nobody to blame for the smelly, stinking mess but all these damn eggs!!! Every single goddamed egg I’ve ever had in my kitchen has wound up smashed or blown up!!!! My whole damn kitchen is overrun by millions of pieces of rotten egg !!!
Thank god for my gun collection, or they’d really take over the place.
All eggs understand is force. Don’t kid yourself.
El Cid said,
February 18, 2007 at 21:05
All eggs understand is force. Don’t kid yourself.
——————
–BallardJoe said,
–February 18, 2007 at 19:22
My god. I laughed so hard it hurt. If only it weren’t so sadly, sadly apt an analogy. Or fable. Whichever.