Jan
19
19
No hope, no harm
(Not Especially) Shorter Peggy Noonan:
Above: Once owned Nancy Reagan voodoo doll
- Last night I dreamt I was walking through the West Wing, past clacking keyboards and low belches that smelled of stale coffee and pork lo mein, when I heard a man’s voice call out, “Is anyone here a speechwriter?” and I replied, “I was, once, but that was a long time ago,” but the man told me that didn’t matter – Our County needed me, he said – so I set to work crafting a State of the Union address that even the bloggers stood back to admire.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.
Seitz said,
January 19, 2007 at 17:46
That story is old, I know, but if goes on.
Seitz said,
January 19, 2007 at 17:47
God dammit, I can’t even quote a song lyric without making a typo.
ifthethunderdontgetya³² said,
January 19, 2007 at 17:50
The feeling of mutual sympathy that swept America’s political class in the days after 9/11 has dissipated, if not disappeared….An admission that the White House is as responsible for this situation as everyone else would help clear the air–and just might prompt some soul-searching in members of the audience.
How about an admission that the White House is just as guilty for this situation as Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, and the rest of the right wing noise machine?
Michael said,
January 19, 2007 at 17:50
Ah, Margaret.
= MJ’ * (Safire/Swank) * (1/papism) + tears of republican dolphins
And still a handsome woman, too; oh, to have known her 25 years ago, the combo “looker” and “crazy Irish bitch” always make a night to remember.
Hate Encrusted Eyes said,
January 19, 2007 at 17:53
It is time for a kind of verbal amnesty in which thoughts are considered before motives are judged
I tell you what Peggy, why don’t you take your goodwill message to roger ailes over at fox news, the boys at the moonie times, the NYpost, world daily net, AEI, the corner, and your own papers nasty editorial pages, get them speaking about liberals and democrats with RESPECTFUL disagreement, and you can get back to me.
Ok Doll? I know it’s a lot of work but hey “ it’s a blank page you can fill it with good things
Otto Man said,
January 19, 2007 at 18:00
I like her last two sentences in that column: “It’s a blank page. You can fill it with good things.”
I’d like to highlight those lines and send them back to the WSJ editorial board as a helpful suggestion. Just because Nooners wants to write a column of inanities, that doesn’t mean you have to publish her.
It’s a blank page. You can fill it with good things. For once.
Otto Man said,
January 19, 2007 at 18:01
In other news, I really need to read all the comments before posting.
teh l4m3 said,
January 19, 2007 at 18:06
First Frum, now Noonan… “This is what I would like to hear the Pres-”
OH JUST SHUT UP YOU IRRELEVANT HELLBAG!
owlbear1 said,
January 19, 2007 at 18:11
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
owlbear1 said,
January 19, 2007 at 18:11
oh shit can’t breathe!
Otto Man said,
January 19, 2007 at 18:11
First Frum, now Noonan… “This is what I would like to hear the Pres-�
It’s the saddest fan fiction you’ve ever read. And that’s saying a lot.
norbizness said,
January 19, 2007 at 18:21
Shorter Every Peggy Noonan Column As If She Were Channeling the Spirit of Rick James: “Xanax is a hell of a drug!”
Schineas Bowtie said,
January 19, 2007 at 18:33
Funny, I don’t remember Peggy saying anything about the dangers of “re-enacting” back in 2001-2005. Instead, it was “W. may have been sent by God” and Reagan “real man” reminiscences and “once again unto the breach” of Iraq.
Only after complete disaster in Iraq is Ms. Noonan willing to say “Look, we were all a little too hyped up, OK?” Only now is Bush’s defective Churchill act acknowledged to be “over the top.”
In the interest of civility and principles I have to submit a small request to Ms. Noonan and the rest of her tuck-tail, bad-faith seekers of reconciliation. May you kindly consider choking on it, my dear bitch.
Demogenes Aristophanes said,
January 19, 2007 at 18:33
Also this:
All this re-enacting is understandable–we are human, imaginative, damaged.
This is also the reason Hollywood keeps churning out remakes … they’re just so darned imaginative.
But making sense isn’t the Nooners way. She’s like the mother at the end of the cocktail hour in the third act of a Eugene O’Neill play.
Lesley said,
January 19, 2007 at 18:36
Is Peggy related to Mark?
Snag said,
January 19, 2007 at 18:46
State of the Union speeches run long–they announce an administration’s plans and proposals for the coming year, and that takes time–and by nature they have a lot of boring parts.
I can’t say that I’m bored watching Bush outline his plans. Horrified, yes, but not bored. And how long does it take to say, “We’re going to keep screwing things up”?
Lawnguylander said,
January 19, 2007 at 19:01
Peggy once wrote this:
“I first saw [President Reagan] as a foot, highly polished brown cordovan wagging merrily on a hassock. I spied it through the door. It was a beautiful foot, sleek. Such casual elegance and clean lines! But not a big foot, not formidable, maybe a little frail. I imagined cradling it in my arms, protecting it from unsmooth roads.”
Creepy.
steve_e said,
January 19, 2007 at 19:06
Does anyone remember Bush’s 2004 SOTU? One of the things that upset him was the use of steroids in pro sports. Why did he choose to mention this in his State of the Union speech? No one knows.
I remember the media reaction the next day. Dumbstruck media commentators tried to explain away this peculiar statement by calling Bush’s speech innovative, creative or some other such horse shit.
roba said,
January 19, 2007 at 19:10
aney manda sarath u stupid democrats.
Thomas Jefferson's Ghost said,
January 19, 2007 at 19:14
We hold these truths to be self-evident, Peggy Noonan is a crackpot.
MrWonderful said,
January 19, 2007 at 19:17
“An admission that the White House is as responsible for this situation as everyone else would help clear the air–”
Wait…it’s coming to me…Okay. Got it.
Peggy Noonan is the Mommy of Us All, the brave, martyred-but-pluckily-upbeat mother/wife who takes pride in respecting her children’s intelligence as she explains why President Daddy “sometimes” acts like a sociopathic alcoholic sadist. What others (i.e., readers with half a brain) perceive as insufferable condescension, she believes is (and intends to be) *positive.*
We’re not as wise as she–how could we be? we’re children–but she Has Faith that, when exposed to her wisdom, something in us–oh, call it “the little bit of God in each of us, ” if you must. SHE would, of course–will respond.
mikey said,
January 19, 2007 at 19:23
Even as a high school girl she had a bit of a fascist glow, don’tcha think?
mikey
TS said,
January 19, 2007 at 19:38
Otto Man, as long as you’re e-mailing the WSJ editorial page, send them this line, too: “Serious and textured thoughts are, here, overdue.”
Amen to that, Sister Peggy.
TS said,
January 19, 2007 at 19:43
Sorry to double-post, but can somebody tell me what the fuck this means?
Otto Man said,
January 19, 2007 at 19:58
I can’t bring myself to email the WSJ folks. I’m afraid they’ll send Paul Gigot to my house to rough me up.
And I had no idea what the overripe fruit line meant either. She is off the rails.
markg said,
January 19, 2007 at 20:04
“Sorry to double-post, but can somebody tell me what the fuck this means?
(I know–sometimes overripe fruit has the sharpest taste and smell. And at least you know it’s in the kitchen.)”
No.
billy pilgrim said,
January 19, 2007 at 20:21
It’s a Rohrshach Quote- you can make it mean any damn thing you want it to.
However, if you don’t explain it for the readers, everyone’s gonna see something different.
ifthethunderdontgetya³² said,
January 19, 2007 at 20:23
I know–sometimes overripe fruit has the sharpest taste and smell. And at least you know it’s in the kitchen.
Flush twice, it’s a long way to the White House?
MCH said,
January 19, 2007 at 20:36
Maybe we’re distracted by the particular objects she mentions–”fruit”, say, or “kitchen”–and thus missing the ineffable connection to the rest of her delightful prose. Perhaps the same construction, with alternate objects, will reveal the certain logic that’s afoot.
“Sometimes unshowered hippies have the sharpest smell, but at least you know they’re in the coffeeshop.”
“Sometimes over-angered killers have the sharpest knife and icepick, but at least you know they’re in your bedroom.”
“Sometimes former speechwriters have the dullest sense and wit, but at least you know they’re on the op-ed page.”
“Sometimes executive codpieces have the sharpest taste and smell, but at least you know it’s in your mouth”
Nope. Didn’t help me none.
nostalgic4jsamervin said,
January 19, 2007 at 20:50
well, at least she is relatively harmless at this point, like a mad aunt wandering in the garden talking to the bushes. The problem is that people just as whacked are still in charge of the military and the justice department and so on and so on and so on.
We’re all living on borrowed time until they are all put in some nice safe place where they can’t hurt themselves or anybody else .
Incontinentia Buttocks said,
January 19, 2007 at 21:22
Does anyone remember Bush’s 2004 SOTU? One of the things that upset him was the use of steroids in pro sports.
Whenever there aren’t brown people to kill, poor ol’ Dubya is kinda at a loss about what to do. Remember Mars (bitches)?
gjdodger said,
January 19, 2007 at 21:24
I think it’s finally dawned on Yogi Noonan that Bushes are only interested in one thing, and that’s self-preservation. Read My Lips, Pegster–you struck out again.
Incontinentia Buttocks said,
January 19, 2007 at 21:24
Does anyone remember Bush’s 2004 SOTU? One of the things that upset him was the use of steroids in pro sports.
Whenever there aren’t brown people to kill, poor ol’ Dubya is kinda at a loss about what to do. Remember Mars (bitches)?
As for Peggy N, she was one of the finalists for Most Overrated American of 1988 and made the mistake of believing her press. Nearly two decades later there’s something a little sad about her whole “sage elder stateswoman” act.
ice weasel said,
January 19, 2007 at 22:04
Cheers to whoever above mentioned the phrase “fan fiction”. What is it with nooners? More and more her once simply spacey shit has turned a bit more creepy and stalker-like. Fan-fiction with a side of rufies.
teh l4m3 said,
January 19, 2007 at 22:12
well, at least she is relatively harmless at this point, like a mad aunt wandering in the garden talking to the bushes.
Harmless but for the fact that cable news outlets still give her face time, the talking-head hosts pretending that her points are worth listening to and that she’s not at all afflicted with what I’d like to term nutloggia.
Smiling Mortician said,
January 19, 2007 at 22:22
No idea what the ripe fruit reference is supposed to mean, but then again, DA got it exactly right:
She’s like the mother at the end of the cocktail hour in the third act of a Eugene O’Neill play.
It’s probably best not to expect lucidity.
Principal Blackman said,
January 19, 2007 at 22:59
Is Peggy related to Mark?
They are not related, but if they were, it would make a lot of sense, wouldn’t it? The wingnut not falling far from the tree and all that.
Douche Baggins said,
January 19, 2007 at 23:09
Peggy-O: It is time for a kind of verbal amnesty in which thoughts are considered before motives are judged. An admission that the White House is as responsible for this situation as everyone else would help clear the air–and just might prompt some soul-searching in members of the audience.
Jeez, you stoopid bitch, howzabout you admit some responsibility for spit-shining the emperor’s codpiece at every turn for the past six years? Christ on a fucking pony…
the_millionaire_lebowski said,
January 19, 2007 at 23:33
Big money to Seitz for the Smiths reference of the day.
jurassicpork said,
January 19, 2007 at 23:36
Yeah, Peg, I’m sure that we’ll be ejaculating with enjoyment over hearing about more shared sacrifice that has to be borne by politically non-connected people. Damn her and those unassailable State of the Empire Addresses!
(This is the part where I impotently shake my fist, no?)
Anyway, if you like the Who’s “Behind Blue Eyes, ya’ll are gonna love this pictorial essay. I only wish that I could’ve set it to audio in an .mpeg format. It would make for a helluva video.
CatStaff said,
January 20, 2007 at 0:03
im in ur kitchen, smelling and tasting ur overripe fruit
Schineas Bowtie said,
January 20, 2007 at 0:20
“(I know–sometimes overripe fruit has the sharpest taste and smell. And at least you know it’s in the kitchen.)â€?
Methinks Peggy is having “ripeness” issues, which means she should be put on a Jerry Jones face-lift watch.
the_millionaire_lebowski said,
January 20, 2007 at 0:25
Upon further inspection, the whole post is a Smiths reference. Subtlety has foiled me again.
His Grace said,
January 20, 2007 at 2:01
Now that the conventional wisdom (with the exception of possibly the pundit class) is that Iraq is a complete and total clusterfuck, Peggy is worried that this framing (if you will) is limiting debate. I don’t recall her being at all concerned with, you know, our voices being heard in the run-up to March 2003. I don’t recall a column going, Well, Saddam may be a murdering tyrant and he may posses dangerous weapons, but I feel we our debate is limited here. This sort of climate is making people fearful.
Shoe, meet other foot.
Anne Laurie said,
January 20, 2007 at 2:48
Bloggers are well advised to “stand back” when… admiring… the stuff that flows from Peggy, whether in print or otherwise. Because it’s practically impossible to get the stink offa your shoes, even if you jump fast enough that the leather hasn’t started corroding. As an aging Irish-American bitch myself, I can only be glad that I read the statistics about the genetics of alcoholism when I was young enough to save those precious brain cells.
*Ahem* You know what would be a great case of Kharmic Justice for Dick Cheney? Lock him in a well-appointed hotel suite with an unslakable open bar, plus Peggy Noonan and David Frum… forever. Listening to a couple of decorous, well-spoken, upper-middle-income name-brand-media members of the Courtier Class declaim and debate upon the manifold virtues of the C-Plus Augustus… forever… while entirely overlooking the Man Behind the Codpiece. Sartre would be tickled. And so would the rest of us, who would get three totally worthless collections of humanoid DNA off the media radar — forever.
Herr Doktor Bimler said,
January 20, 2007 at 4:26
An admission that the White House is as responsible for this situation as everyone else
You mean that the White House is to some small extent responsible for this situation? It is not purely the fault of everyone else, or of reality for failing to conform to the dream?
Why weren’t we told?
Aquagirl said,
January 20, 2007 at 4:57
Okay, sure we said that doves were treasonous America-hating terrorist-loving deviant pathological shit stains who should be sent, along with their elderly mothers, children and pets, to Guantanamo for immediate waterboarding, drawing and quartering without a trial, and their remains fed to diarrhetic rabid wolves, but now that we recognize that they might, just might, have been not totally wrong, can’t we all just get along?
Tehanu said,
January 20, 2007 at 5:06
From Making Light, Patrick & Teresa Nielsen Hayden’s blog:
MARY SUE (n.): 1. A variety of story, first identified in the fan fiction community, but quickly recognized as occurring elsewhere, in which normal story values are grossly subordinated to inadequately transformed personal wish-fulfillment fantasies, often involving heroic or romantic interactions with the cast of characters of some popular entertainment. 2. A distinctive type of character appearing in these stories who represents an idealized version of the author. 3. A cluster of tendencies and characteristics commonly found in Mary Sue-type stories. 4. A body of literary theory, originally generated by the fanfic community, which has since spread to other fields (f.i., professional SF publishing) because it’s so darn useful. The act of committing Mary Sue-ism is sometimes referred to as “self-insertion.�
Isn’t it obvious that Peggy is her own Mary Sue — in real life?
Col Bat Guano said,
January 20, 2007 at 6:02
It is time for a kind of verbal amnesty in which thoughts are considered before motives are judged.
How about you lick my balls with your soft pink tongue once for every time some rightwing hack or administration flunky insinuated that those of us who opposed this monumental clusterfuck were helping the terrorists. When you’re done with that then we can have a verbal amnesty and I can go to the hospital for some soothing cream for my junk.
RubDMC said,
January 20, 2007 at 8:18
I didn’t hear Landon Parvin, the eloquent and elegant veteran of the last three Republican White Houses, creep up behind me in the Red Room.
He slid his right hand deftly under my loosely buttoned silk blouse, and whispered lightly in my ear, reminding me that the speech forces policy decisions to be made.
“Force this, Landon!” I exclaimed, pressing the softness of my behind into his crotch. I felt his hardness grow as my own hot wetness flowed.
- – -
OK, it reads a little better now.
Herr Doktor Bimler said,
January 20, 2007 at 9:49
Should be ‘Landon Park-Leyne’. Otherwise, perfect.
ace of jade said,
January 20, 2007 at 11:51
I believe that the formula
I know–sometimes overripe fruit has the sharpest taste and smell. And at least you know it’s in the kitchen.
can be partially explained by noting that it comes after
See the bulldog gaze and hear the repetition of rhetoric that even then [1939] was on occasion overripe.
by postulating that she is trying to soften the blow represented by the “overripe” comment by pointing out that overripe fruit isn’t that bad. The problem is that overripe fruit is pretty bad so she then tries to point out that the sharp smell of overripe fruit reminds you of its existence and thus often saves you from the disappointment of going to the fruitbowl and finding a big stinking pile of rot (which probably happens quite often in the Noonan household) even though this saving grace of overripe fruit does not, in fact, really compensate for the gross, dry, sugarless, shlompy taste, and thus her folksy addendum doesn’t actually soften the blow of the “overripe” comment in any way, a fact she tries to camouflage by changing the word “but” into “and”, even though this afterthought makes gibberish of the whole passage.
To illustrate:
Even in 2002, I sometimes thought the evidence of WMDs smelt fishy, and on occasion it stank like shit. I know — sometimes shit really stinks. But at least you know someone forgot to flush. Oh wait, that doesn’t really help. Okay, I’ll change the “but” to “and”. Does that work? Not really. Oops, I pressed Submit.
Rugosa said,
January 20, 2007 at 17:26
Ah, the picture of Noonan. The serene brow, never furrowed in thought. The unlined mouth, never pursed in self-doubt. The flat brain waves, smoothed by overdoses of Prozac and booze.
RobW said,
January 21, 2007 at 4:27
What Aquagirl said…
And of course, Tom Tomorrow has again beaten us all to this point, over a year ago:
http://www.workingforchange.com/comic.cfm?itemid=20032
Bill S said,
January 22, 2007 at 1:02
I dunno, mikey, when I look at her high school photo, I think of Blair Warner from “The Facts of Life”.
“When the world never seems/to be living up to your dreams/the suddenly you’re finding out/the facts of life are gonna screw you…”
roy edroso said,
January 22, 2007 at 17:00
I knew I stopped doing Shorter Nooners for a reason. Well played!
Chris said,
January 22, 2007 at 19:11
“I know–sometimes overripe fruit has the sharpest taste and smell. And at least you know it’s in the kitchen.”
Why do I picture Ms. Noonan naked and spread-eagle on the kitchen table?
More to the point, how can I get rid of the image?
Karl Rove II said,
January 22, 2007 at 20:18
“More to the point, how can I get rid of the image?”
Mental-floss to the rescue…
justme said,
January 22, 2007 at 23:29
mikey,
I just about spit up at “Very argumentative”.