Jan
9

Tucker Carlson Bowtie Terror1!!!




Posted at 20:31 by Gavin M.

Here’s a guest post by Chuckles of Freelance Genius. Wonkette picked this up a little while ago, and then Freelance Genius (and half the rest of the Internet) went down. We’ll mirror it here until the Internet gnomes root out the clog.

Above: Busta Moove cuts a caper

The rudiments of the story: Chuck was working in a video store, and Tucker Carlson came in. That night, Chuck did a post about working in a video store and Tucker Carlson coming in, the tenor of which was unflattering to Carlson.

A couple of weeks later, Carlson stormed back in threatening to ‘fucking destroy’ him if the post wasn’t taken down. Chuck took the post down.

The next day, Carlson threatened the store with a lawsuit and got Chuck fired. Then the next day, Carlson sent a private investigator to the store to gather personal information on Chuck.

It’s ongoing, apparently. Carlson just keeps escalating, as though he’s looking forward to the ninth circle of the Inferno, where he can spend eternity gnawing on Chuck’s skull.


His Bowtie Knows Where You Sleep…Err…Work

carlsonbirds.jpg

The wingnut wankjob I mentioned in the removed post, Tucker Carlson, has threatened the video store with legal action and as a result, I no longer work there. I do not have access to these threats but I can imagine that they consist of something similar to this:

“I’m easily the most recognizable conservative pundit today, as my wikipedia page will attest, but goddam it, I deserve to not be recognized unless I stand to benefit from it! I am a huge asshole and I expect to be treated like one. I will fucking destroy anyone who dares to poke fun at me and so help me god my bowtie is stylish and not at all funny! I can’t believe that I might be subject to ridicule after I physically threatened another man with destruction because he mentioned me on his blog! You people are terrorists and I demand that all video store records now be accessible by the feds and only the feds! I want to come in and be denied rental because I have not filled out an ESTNJ stroke 6 Alpha form in triplicate! It is just inconceivable that a man of my utter cobagitude be the brunt of
harmless jokes on the internets!”

Well, motherTucker, this is the internet and there is nothing you can do to me anymore. I will admit that from your perspective, it was easy to see how I was being a complete dick in my previous post. It is likely that you have never heard of the various scandals that have erupted when jerks have outed bloggers who wished to remain anonymous. I would be surprised if you have not heard about Michelle Malkin’s incident. I thought I was covering my ass by stating very deliberately that I would never share your information with anyone.

In the new digital age, regarding a statement like this:

I won’t tell you where he lives, though. That would be wrong and stupid. I will also not be running around ordering 10,000 copies of America: The Book and having it sent to his place even if that would be more awesome than frozen urine treats for his home.

…as a threat is batshit loco. A barely anonymous blogger has declared that he is always going to take steps to ensure your privacy and you go apeshit psycho on his ass. I suppose that this would be a I googled “Tucker Carlson stalker” in an attempt to determine why a man might go from zero to asshated ragemonkey over a minor comment on a blog that barely rates as Z-list. The first ten hits were all about Tucker’s comment that Canada is stalking the US. That is pretty funny in and of itself. Just the other day, I thought I was being followed and turned around only to see Canada turn ninety degrees and start whistling.

The second page of hits contained a link to reviews of his book on Amazon.ca (OOO! Maybe Canada IS stalking the US!). In the third review, Bernard Chapin says that Tucker was falsely accused of rape by some stalkerish person. I can see how this might set a man on edge and make him wary of being mentioned comedically on some random blog. Technorati must love me because the number of daily links to my site can probably be counted on my ginormous wang. (That is a comment on the fact that I have one wang and maybe one link as day if I am lucky.)

In order to perform due diligence, I looked through the first four pages of that google search. I found only the one reference to a stalking incident and a whole mess of references to Tucker’s infamous comment, which I suppose he thought was funny, about Canada being a stalker. Yet, PTSD can linger for many years, as our veterans know first hand, and therapy is important but you have to want to change, Tucker, I can’t change your trauma for you.

I also thought I was being extremely funny by mentioning that I would not be sending you 10,000 copies of Jon Stewart et al’s America: The Book. In fact, I was being extremely funny with that one, this is one of the virtues of being the massively wanged Genius that I am. I will also admit that the comment about frozen urine treats may have crossed the oh-so-individual line and may have seemed directly threatening when really it was a reference to a prank performed back in college by friends of mine.

Perhaps if I had mentioned that we were roughly similar in size, above the waist that is, and I always thought he looked taller on TV, it would have been funnier. Hell, that is always funny. It might have been funny if I mentioned how oddly even his skin tone was and he always looks so pale in the screen captures I see on TPM Muckraker. I might have even gone so far as to say he should fire his make up person for trying to hide that suspiciously even tan.

The difference between our actions is that I wrote a silly post on a blog that previously received less than 10 hits a day, with 5 of those being mine. You came at me in person, like the fake-tan-having bully that you are, and directly threatened both my health and my livelihood.

Thus, you are a gigantic cobag and I will no longer have the joy of dealing with drunk people arguing with me about their excessive late fees or pervs asking me about the next shipment of porn and whether we were getting any hermaphrodites themed videos or kids asking me to find the pokemon because they can’t see straight let alone spell due to their massive daily intake of sugar and Ritalin or witness recently divorced men in their forties hit on my female coworkers. I should thank you for relieving me of the question I was constantly asking myself, “What the fuck am I doing here on a Saturday night for seven bucks an hour?” However, by being a gigantic cobag, you have opened yourself up to the lofty heights of satire previously reserved for dorks like Glenn Reynolds, Ann Althouse and everybody at both NRO and Powerline.

This mess is your bed and this is my blog. Please enjoy your stay, you fucking assbag.

64 Comments »

  1. Principal Blackman said,

    January 9, 2007 at 20:44

    KICK ‘EM, DONKS!!!

  2. Ginger Yellow said,

    January 9, 2007 at 20:50

    Uh oh. He mentioned Althouse. Why do I get the feeling this is suddenly going to become all about her?

  3. mmm...lemonheads said,

    January 9, 2007 at 20:53

    Obviously not surprising. He seems like a load on-screen, and I can’t imagine what he’s like in real life.

    Why are most right wingers just a pile of ego and insecurity, rolled up into a ball of f’ed-upedness?
    Is it the message or the person? The chicken or the egg, I guess.

    Either way, I quoteth the SpongeBob:

    “Everybody loves pie!”

  4. pablo said,

    January 9, 2007 at 20:53

    I was in a video rental place in DC about 5 years ago when Charles Krauthammer entered in his Stephen Hawking cyborg chair. He was with 2 teenage guys and was futilely trying to convince them to rent “Angela’s Ashes”. It was the first and only time i felt sorry for the dude.

  5. probably not Ann Althouse® said,

    January 9, 2007 at 20:56

    Ginger Yellow, are you suggesting there is something that isn’t all about her??

  6. Col. Klink said,

    January 9, 2007 at 20:57

    Wait till you see Fucker Carlson’s kiddie porn collection. One word – awesome! Seriously, and to think PBS went with Fucker over aged Wingnut Michael Medved. For shame…

  7. the_millionaire_lebowski said,

    January 9, 2007 at 20:58

    “You’re a dick”

  8. Bat Guano said,

    January 9, 2007 at 21:02

    What would you expect from some spineless dick.

  9. Ayn Randhouse said,

    January 9, 2007 at 21:03

    Are you sure Karuthammer wasn’t hyped up for Persian ashes? Nine out of ten Dr. Strangelove impressionists can’t be wrong after all. Especially when there’s a significant mine-shaft gap.

  10. Pinko Punko said,

    January 9, 2007 at 21:04

    Like I send, Tucker is fronting for some sad, bound to be case of “exhaustion” reason.

  11. Col. Klink said,

    January 9, 2007 at 21:05

    ” 2 teenage guys” !!!

    Was Mark Foley in hot pursuit?

  12. Pinko Punko said,

    January 9, 2007 at 21:06

    The Tuckwad took about a week to come back the first time. He probably is just getting the hang of teh Google.

    Now look at all the stuff he is gonna have to wade through. I hear he’s gonna get tigrismus fired from commenting.

  13. Gavin M. said,

    January 9, 2007 at 21:09

    The Tuckwad took about a week to come back the first time.

    [Corrected. Hanx!]

  14. pablo said,

    January 9, 2007 at 21:11

    Col. Klink- I assumed they were relations of some kind. Afterall, the man is dead from the neck down and isn’t all that well from the neck up.

  15. Chuckles said,

    January 9, 2007 at 21:21

    In the interests of clarity, my first post was dated December 23rd and it was the wee small hours of the morning on that day when I posted it.

    Tucker came back to threaten me on the 5th of January.

  16. no longer TC said,

    January 9, 2007 at 21:26

    The biggest question here, as Pinko and Ag have noted, is the identitiy of the WASP-y ‘gal pal’.

    Methinks Tucker should have opted for discretion?

    Also to be noted: Any Angle is on the side of anti-cobag on this one.

  17. HemlockEcho said,

    January 9, 2007 at 21:27

    If the internets were a big truck, rather than a series of tubes, these types of internet problems wouldn’t happen.

  18. Ann Althouse said,

    January 9, 2007 at 21:38

    It is too all about me!

    Also, the post above by Probably Not Ann Althouse is not me, and if you don’t take it down I will rain fire down upon…hey, is that a quarter?

  19. DUDACKATTACK!!! said,

    January 9, 2007 at 21:41

    “If you keep this shit up, I will fucking destroy you.”

    WTF? Does Tucker have the ability to hurl his bowtie in some deadly fashion like Odd-Job in Goldfinger?

    That tool needs a Google-Bomb.

  20. teh l4m3 said,

    January 9, 2007 at 21:50

    PS Operation “Orange”:

    http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/doc/rnr/259932865.html

    Avast, mateys!

  21. TomMil said,

    January 9, 2007 at 21:50

    Time for Theme Music ,,,, I’m thinking Soft Boys, “I Wanna Destroy You”.

  22. Tucker Carlson said,

    January 9, 2007 at 21:55

    I demand that this post be removed.

  23. fulsome said,

    January 9, 2007 at 21:57

    Haha, welcome to the internet Mr. Carlson. Hope you enjoy your time here. I guess the humiliation from The Daily Show finally wore off.

  24. Adorable Girlfriend said,

    January 9, 2007 at 22:00

    Gavmo rocks teh Internets for this posting!

    For those who are interested it has been suggested that a certain Bowtie boy has an e-mail address at a certain cable news channel. Perhaps we can get Chuckwagon on say MSBNC or the Daily Show. The people deserve to hear both sides of the alleged incident and rule in for themselves.

  25. Jon Stewart said,

    January 9, 2007 at 22:07

    Oh God, not this geek again. It’s too easy. And what’s with the bow tie!?!

  26. J— said,

    January 9, 2007 at 22:22

    The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, paging The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. You have a Tucker Carlson tantrum all over the interweb.

  27. Pinko Punko said,

    January 9, 2007 at 22:43

    Let the people rule!

  28. Lesley said,

    January 9, 2007 at 22:44

    Tucker rhymes with…

    A few million emails to Tucker’s bosses complaining about the preppy windbag’s petty hysteria should shut this crap down. Who should we write to?

  29. a.j. said,

    January 9, 2007 at 22:57

    to call that clip “gay” would demean the dance skills of gay men everywhere…let’s just say that the homoeroticism was quite evident.

  30. Adorable Girlfriend said,

    January 9, 2007 at 23:01

    Has anyone noticed on that video, AG’s blog and Pinko’s blog that there appears to be an alleged gap between his pants and crotch?!

    Lesley, teh teh over at Freedom Camp has suggested the e-mail address. Please feel free to take a walk on by.

    AG is more than willing to call up her Daily Show and Bill Maher connection to see if we can get an interview for Chuckwagon. Would the good people of S/N! be willing to chip in a few dollars for the airfare?

  31. teh l4m3 said,

    January 9, 2007 at 23:12

    Maybe more productive to e-mail MSNBC Viewer Services. I know I will.

  32. Sammy said,

    January 9, 2007 at 23:21

    I expect that Mr. Stewart won’t find this story “fake newsworthy” unless the action ratchets up a couple more levels.

  33. Charlotte Smith said,

    January 9, 2007 at 23:28

    Damn. We all know Jon Stewart broke Tucker Carlson, but does Carlson have to take it out on regular, sane people? Can’t Carlson just go away, or get a sweet book deal through Wingnut Welfare?

  34. billy pilgrim said,

    January 10, 2007 at 0:02

    look, Tucker, we all feel sorry for any kid saddled with the name Tucker (especially Tucker Swanson! Your parents hated you, dude). but you’re an adult now and picking on the weakest kids around is no longer appropriate.

    Sack up, man.

  35. An Outhouse said,

    January 10, 2007 at 0:08

    If you pull the plug attached to the chain hanging betwixt Carlson’s spasmodically twitching buttocks, it will suck us all like celestial bathwater into an alternate universe of peace, justice, and enlightened interdependence

  36. Adorable Girlfriend said,

    January 10, 2007 at 0:23

    Yea, but think of the fun Mr. Stewart could have talking trash about T-bag with Mister Chuckles. Come on, Chuckdog could totally be worth the late night stay up.

  37. pessullivan said,

    January 10, 2007 at 1:42

    Nice to know he’s not just playing a douche bag on TV.

  38. Shoelimpyâ„¢ said,

    January 10, 2007 at 1:49

    You are all assholes. See my blog.

  39. billy pilgrim said,

    January 10, 2007 at 2:02

    You are all assholes. See my blog.

    No.

  40. J— said,

    January 10, 2007 at 2:21

    Would the good people of S/N! be willing to chip in a few dollars for the airfare?

    Sure.

  41. Robert Green said,

    January 10, 2007 at 3:00

    i’ve decided to use shoelimpy’s technique to get what i want in life.

    to my wife: hey bitch, fuck you. would you get me dinner.
    to my colleagues: fuck all you monkons (N.B. moron + monkey). can someone hand me that report.

    etc.

    what i’m trying to say, shoelimpy, is if you have a good point to make, and you want to expose people to it…

    wait, what the fuck am i doing. this vicodin is really messing with my head.

    oh, and “I Wanna Destroy You” is too obvious. maybe “Listening to the Higsons”?

  42. TC said,

    January 10, 2007 at 3:11

    Hmmm. not quite right for Tucker the Smucker.

    How about “I Wish I Was A Pretty Girl”?

    Or -even better- “Uncorrected Personality Traits” (although that might be better suited for our resident pie-lovers)

    I know! In honor of his lovely orangeness, “Wax Doll”!

  43. billy pilgrim said,

    January 10, 2007 at 3:13

    Dang. I thought I had changed that name.

    stupid intertubes. Carlson has them all fouled up today.

    That previous post was probably funnier under the old nom du blogue, anyway.

  44. tb said,

    January 10, 2007 at 3:25

    You are all assholes. See my blog.

    Longer shoelimpy:

    …I see. Well, of course, this is just the sort of blinkered philistine pig-ignorance I’ve come to expect from you non-creative garbage. You sit there on your loathsome spotty behinds squeezing blackheads, not caring a tinker’s cuss for the struggling artist. You excrement, you whining hypocritical toadies with your colour TV sets and your Tony Jacklin golf clubs and your bleeding masonic secret handshakes. You wouldn’t let me join, would you, you blackballing bastards. Well I wouldn’t become a Freemason now if you went down on your lousy stinking knees and begged me.

    Client 2:
    We’re sorry you feel that way, but we did want a block of flats, nice though the abattoir is.

    Mr. Wiggin:
    Oh sod the abattoir, that’s not important.

    But if any of you could put in a word for me I’d love to be a mason.

  45. jurassicpork said,

    January 10, 2007 at 3:33

    Followed this link from SadlyNo and all I have to say is rock on, Chuck. Hope you get another job, a better one, and soon. I say we leftist bloggers all start talking about Sucker Carlson. With his hypervigilance, it’ll be like trying to herd cats.

    I’ll pick up where you and SadlyNo have left off. Then I’ll make him a dishonorary assclown this weekend in my weekly feature.

  46. Adorable Girlfriend said,

    January 10, 2007 at 4:02

    Shoe, this is about Chuckles today. Can we take up the war on Gavmo tomorrow?

  47. House M.D. said,

    January 10, 2007 at 4:11

    House: Unfortunately, you have a deeper problem. Your wife is having an affair.

    Orange Guy: What?!

    House: You’re orange, you moron! It’s one thing for you not to notice, but if your wife hasn’t picked up on the fact that her husband has changed color, she’s just not paying attention. By the way, do you consume just a ridiculous amount of carrots and mega-dose vitamins?

    [Guy nods]

    House: The carrots turn you yellow, the niacin turns you red. Get some finger-paints and do the math. And get a good lawyer.

  48. spencer said,

    January 10, 2007 at 4:13

    tb -

    One of my favorite Python moments, now sullied forever by association with Shoelimpy. Thanks a lot.

  49. spencer said,

    January 10, 2007 at 4:14

    Followed this link from SadlyNo and all I have to say is rock on, Chuck.

    Um, you do realize you’re actually posting at Sadly, No! now, right?

  50. Pinko Punko said,

    January 10, 2007 at 5:16

    Oh, jp.

  51. jurassicpork said,

    January 10, 2007 at 5:37

    It’s been a long, long day, guys. Lay off.

  52. maryc said,

    January 10, 2007 at 5:41

    Okay. Help me. I adore Tucker ‘s(and that other guy’s) little dance thingy in the video. Help me. HELP ME

  53. Leon Trotsky said,

    January 10, 2007 at 5:46

    sullied forever by association with Shoelimpy.

    Don’t worry, limpy’s too piddly-ass to sully anything forever.

  54. annieangel said,

    January 10, 2007 at 6:26

    AG, that wasn’t Shoe. You should know better.

    Both Shoe and myself made posts about how big of a littedick the Tuckbag is.

  55. annieangel said,

    January 10, 2007 at 6:27

    Oh you bastards!!!!!!!! Screwing up the tags again!!!!!!!!

  56. Outside The Tent said,

    January 10, 2007 at 7:00

    [...] Wonkette Wonkette II Sadly, No! Shakespeare’s Sister Pandagon MaxSpeak, You Listen Brad DeLong Oliver Willis teh l4m3 Three Bulls Three Bulls II Three Bulls III Really Small Fish Circle Jerk at the Square Dance Chrome Beach The Guns of Auguste [...]

  57. tb said,

    January 10, 2007 at 7:16

    Dammit, there goes Trotsky commandeering my computer again.

  58. Anne Laurie said,

    January 10, 2007 at 9:21

    I guess I’m not watching enough teevee. Before this YouTube posting, I thought Tucker Carlson was a character invented by the SNL guys. (Although, just to date myself, I should mention Carlson seems more a Mad Magazine kinda parody. But — Jack Wood or Don Martin?)

  59. prozacula said,

    January 10, 2007 at 19:08

    AG, that wasn’t Shoe. You should know better.

    Both Shoe and myself made posts about how big of a littedick the Tuckbag is.

    Um, annie, you ignorant slut, did you recently read dicklimpy’s site? here’s a little taste:

    Gavin M. of Sadly No is one motherfucking asshole. Why is he a motherfucking asshole? This motherfucking asshole allows namestealers on his blog all of the time, including of both Miss Annie and myself.

    me thinks the lady doth sound like a washed-up old hag.

    I would say that Shoelimpy has been reduced to fits of turrets-induced rage, and that he needs to swallow some meds, take a deep breath and fuck the fuck off.

  60. Marion in Savannah said,

    January 10, 2007 at 19:21

    What on earth IS it with these people??? Joe Scarbrough is threatening to sue Lisa of All Hat, No Cattle. (Lisa got some free legal advice from a guy who suggested she file a countersuit for $50 million…!)

  61. Chuckles said,

    January 10, 2007 at 19:55

    I’d settle for $5 million, but then I may be a little cheap. Not having a second job will do that to a person.

  62. Church Secretary said,

    January 10, 2007 at 20:01

    Marion:

    One of the great weaknesses of our court system is that it is heavily tilted in favor of concentrated wealth. In other words, on the civil side, a person with easy access to legal representation can afford to sue anyone for virtually anything. The mere threat of the lawsuit is the actual weapon; a non-wealthy individual (e.g. Chuckles) or a business (like Chuckles’ former employer) who either can’t or won’t bear the cost of defending against even the most frivolous of lawsuits will likely cave in to the threat. The threateners– like serial cobags Carlson and Scarborough– know this. That’s why, instead of taking criticism and ridicule like grownups, or addressing said rhetoric with repartee of their own, they throw rich-boy tantrums and threaten lawsuits.

    These are the same jackasses who will then turn around and bloviate about there being ‘too many lawyers’ and how our court system is bogged down with frivolous lawsuits.

    Ãœber-cobags.

  63. Torquemada said,

    January 10, 2007 at 22:14

    Does anyone on the planet have any problem whatsoever envisioning Bowtie Boy and his creepy chipmunk-cheeked sidekick Willie Geist as geeky teenagers meeting after school in the basment rec room of their parents’ homes, dressing in mail-order Trekkie uniforms and blowing each other until they literally pass out from oxygen-deprivation? They’re the two xtreme-losers in high school who somehow convince each other that they’re actually “kewl” and that everyone who hates them on sight is misinformed. In the present generation, they would be the ones most likely to don black trench coats and do a Columbine-job on every kid who whipped their pansy-asses after school for years. Tucker Carlson was so wrecked by his humiliating disaster on Dancing With The Stars that he actually utilized a large chunk of his failing MSNBC show to air dated video footage of the judge who slammed him most harshly, in an attempt to discredit the insignificant Euro-schlub. Therefore, who would be shocked by the news that Bowtie Boy would go after the video store blogger with any less fury? In truth, except for the lame-ass Libertarian bowtie, the frozen food emperor-in-waiting has no clothes (a vision that will no doubt make millions pray for temporary blindness.)

  64. Brad said,

    April 27, 2007 at 15:04

    Tucker Carlson is the biggest fucking douchebag that ever existed. Nice bowtie faggot!! What is this? 1950?? What a fucking geek!! America hates that sack of shit, thats why he was the first to get dumped from Dancing with the Stars last season. Tucker you’re a fat fucking shitloaf, you aren’t a ‘star’.

Leave a Comment

  • Things of Interest

  • Meta Goodness

  • Clunkers

  • httpbl_stats()