20
I Saw Mommy Kissing Swanksta’ Claus
Above: It’s beginning to seem a lot like Swanksmas!
JESUS IS CHRISTMAS
By J. Grant Swank, Jr.
MichNews.com
Dec 19, 2006No wonder Jesus said of himself, “I am the light of the world” (John 8:12). Without Him, all else is darkness.
One Sunday evening, while seated in church listening to the choir’s rendition of a lovely Christmas cantata, I noticed one of the sopranos in the front row. This young lady spent most of the time trying to adjust the wick on an artificial candle that evidently wasn’t connected with the battery and therefore wouldn’t light.
She twisted and turned that tiny stub, then stroked it in hopes that a gentler touch would be more persuasive.
We seem to have stumbled upon the Pastor Swank version of the Red Shoe Diaries.
I thought that in time she would give up, simply cup her hand over the tip of the candle, and pretend that all was well, but she never did. To the very end of the concert she kept poking at that little white stick.
“Oh sir,” she said, “If you hold this small, white candle upright, I will steady it in this soft, pink donut.” “A sweet morsel indeed,” I remarked in regard to the pastry, and eagerly complied, entering thereto into a pas de deux requiring energetic adjustments of the depth and fit of the divers objects.
The ignition of the diminutive and pallid taper was further encouraged by virtue of the diligent lass’s coral-tipped bubbies.
As I left the building I felt sorry for the young lady. She was there the entire evening, had sung in the choir, but had missed the wonder of Christmas. She had not seen Jesus. All she had noticed was a defective flashlight.
Right, like it was her fault she didn’t ’see Jesus.’ And just man-to-man here, if I found myself with a ‘defective flashlight,’ I’d probably see about ‘charging the batteries’ before going around all like, gee, I feel sorry for the young lady.
I mean.
Some Guy said,
December 20, 2006 at 10:11
… OR, she was one of those obsessive compulsive religious perfectionists, who went home thinking, “why the hell did Jesus make my flashlight not work?”
I was out holiday shopping today, and the usual carrol bullshit was piped into the PA system, which kinda makes me lose the will to live. Anyways, i was perusing the chefs knives when I let the music back into my head.
It was “Tainted Love” by The Ramones.
Then it went back to carrols.
I was amused. A bought a coffee grinder for my mom.
Anne Laurie said,
December 20, 2006 at 11:16
Church-going and dirty metaphors, Gavin — no wonder your blog attracts the homeschooled trolls. And the NSA, which is still trying to figure out what you mean by “defective flashlights” and whether it’s a reference to Dear Leader (Secret Service name: Not The Brightest Bulb in the Chandelier). Except they know that Dear Leader doesn’t go to church, because they won’t let him bring snacks.
Herr Doktor Bimler said,
December 20, 2006 at 11:20
You are a sick puppy, Mr Gavin M, and clearly you will do anything to increase the number of hits S,N receives for pervy Google searches about ‘coral-tipped bubbies’ and “artificial candle that evidently wasn’t connected with the battery”. Have you no shame, no decency?
Innocent Bystander said,
December 20, 2006 at 11:23
With all the time the Merry Swankster spent obsessing over that young girls candle problem, seems he had other things on his mind than seeing the baby Jesus.
Major Woody said,
December 20, 2006 at 11:41
Jesus said of himself, “I am the light of the world� (John 8:12). Yawn. Big deal.
Arthur Brown said of himself, “I am the god of hell fire; and I bring you FIRE!” Way cooler!
Edmund Schluessel said,
December 20, 2006 at 11:50
Arthur Brown sold out, though. It was sad.
“I am the god of crispy toaster waffles; and I bring you EGGOS!”
celticgirl said,
December 20, 2006 at 11:51
With all this talk of steady upright white candles and soft pink donuts, I do believe you have made me blush, sir!
Ted said,
December 20, 2006 at 12:36
Wow. Swank needs to lay off the LSD. Or stop cracking his back.
JK47 said,
December 20, 2006 at 13:13
With all the time the Merry Swankster spent obsessing over that young girls candle problem, seems he had other things on his mind than seeing the baby Jesus.
You would think so, but he’s Pastor Fucking Swank. He’s got peripheral Jesus vision, so he can not only see Jesus, he can see other people who are forgetting to see Jesus. It’s one of the things they teach you in Pastor school.
She twisted and turned that tiny stub, then stroked it in hopes that a gentler touch would be more persuasive.
I bet Mrs. Pastor Swank wishes her hubby would do this once in a while.
The Energizer Bunny said,
December 20, 2006 at 13:47
Keep that creepy fucker away from me.
Ted said,
December 20, 2006 at 14:00
I bet Mrs. Pastor Swank wishes her hubby would do this once in a while.
I doubt it. Something tells me the Swankster is like Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet.
Roxanne said,
December 20, 2006 at 14:34
Swank’s going to break a hip.
Jeff Fecke said,
December 20, 2006 at 14:37
There’s totally stuff for this. I think I saw a commercial where Mike Ditka throws an Energizer Battery through a tire swing to a couple of old people sitting in bathtubs on the beach, who grab it and are then electrocuted.
Of course, I had drunk three bottles of tequila at the time…
Dayv said,
December 20, 2006 at 15:23
Wow, Christmas sure is a fragile holiday. Not only can it be destroyed by signs saying “Happy Holidays” in retail establishments, but one defective electric candle and it’s over for anyone who notices.
Comandante Agi said,
December 20, 2006 at 16:22
The soprano gave a hand job to a candle during church service. I don’t understand why Jesus would not appear to witness such a spectacle.
Sporty said,
December 20, 2006 at 16:31
Your writing this kind of filth about our most sacred holiday is exactly why I’m putting you on the Naughty List just as soon as I get a chance, young man!!
Sporty said,
December 20, 2006 at 16:32
Damn! Naughty List!
Sammy said,
December 20, 2006 at 16:46
Arthur Brown said of himself, “I am the god of hell fire; and I bring you FIRE!�
Which, when you think about it, is pretty much what you’d expect. I mean, what did you expect him to bring?
Other than the eggos, that is. Maybe pink donuts?
Cornholio said,
December 20, 2006 at 16:56
FIRE!! FIREFIREFIRE!!!!1111ONE!!!!
tigrismus said,
December 20, 2006 at 17:20
Maybe she was concerned about making the service as perfect and beautiful as possible for the sake of the audience, not realizing some cranky old coot was watching her gentle candle-stroking a little too intently, breathlessly willing her to come to Jesus.
TC said,
December 20, 2006 at 17:38
He does seem to be overly concerned with her gentle stroking of the white shaft, doesn’t he?
Republicans- the party as a whole needs to get laid.
TC said,
December 20, 2006 at 17:38
Republicans- If you laid them end to end… we’d all be better off.
Notorious P.A.T. said,
December 20, 2006 at 17:44
No wonder Jesus said of himself, “I am the light of the world�
Riiiiiiight. . .
Sarcastro said,
December 20, 2006 at 18:04
A few years ago a serious gas leak in India killed more than 2,500 persons.
Mmm, yes. The Union Carbide disaster in Bhopal. Killed about 3,000 instantly… and at least another 15k over the next few years due to injuries from the methyl isocyanate cloud. Another 500,000 or so suffer to this day with injuries caused by the disaster.
Mother Teresa never flinched but flew right into the horror. Gathered around her were swelling crowds. She turned and faced them, knowing that carcasses were being lifted from the ground to be burned in piles in the surrounding acreage.
What a trooper… for Union Carbide.
She shared with the crowds that a beautiful thing was happening in spite of the pain and sorrow–the tragedy was bringing out the best in everybody.
Everybody but the UCC guys who were busy hiding evidence that they had been complicit in the disaster.
It was forcing those who would otherwise never become involved to serve the suffering. Love was overcoming suffering.
Those who caused the suffering were not mentioned.
Meeting with 14,000 schoolchildren, Mother Teresa urged them not to have bitter feelings. She told them that this could have been an accident. Like a fire, it could have broken out anywhere.
Yea, those criminally ill-maintaned chemical processing plants are fucking everywhere.
She pointed out that it consequently was important to forgive. Forgiveness offers a clean heart, and people are a hundred times better for doing it.
And Union Carbide’s bottom line is a thousand times better for it.
It is still possible today for people of faith to bend before the manger and see Jesus.
Yea, just have to push the bloated fucking corpses out of the way first.
What kind of demented and sick troglodytic bastard uses the Bhopal disaster as an example of faith doing good things!? I bend knee to neither men nor gods, but this screed has made me kneel… so as not to spatter my shoes with vomit.
J— said,
December 20, 2006 at 18:23
Matthew 26:26
celticgirl said,
December 20, 2006 at 18:45
As some of you know, I moved to Scotland some time back. Yesterday I went to the Christmas Programme at my son’s specialist school for severely disabled children, and being the good pagan I am tried to sit through Reverend Jamie’s portion about the Story of the Christmas Colors (here in the UK, it’s sorry no separation of church and state for you bucko!).
He started out talking about how in the beginning of the world there were no colors at all, blah blah blah god gave the world colors, blah de blah, then the world got dark again (’cause of them EEEEEEEVIL pagans) and so then he sent JEEZUS to bring color back to the world. All this was done using a clumsy felt board and pieces of cloth to stick to it. Not wanting to disupt the proceedings (I held back from standing up and shouting “OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!) I ducked out to the ladie’s room and did a little silent scream in my head.
Anyhoo – sorry, just had to share. I know the good Rev. means weel and he does seem a nice bloke – but the religious worldview here is pretty narrow too, just FYI. So, in honor of that thought, I found this little nativity scene that even I can get behind – behold “Move over Mary”:
http://tinyurl.com/y4l2w8
I’d like to wish you all a Happy Whatever It Is That You Celebrate! You can wish me a Happy Solstice if you feel so inclined…
celticgirl said,
December 20, 2006 at 18:50
Sorry, let’s try that again:
http://mfrost.typepad.com/cute_overload/2006/12/later_mary.html
fabbo said,
December 20, 2006 at 19:08
Why did Jesus say, “I am the light of the world,” when he could just as easily have said, “I am King Shit of Fuck Mountain, why would you even think of fucking with Me?” –Mr. Show
Frankly, I’d have found a defective flashlight ten times more interesting than listening to Pastro and the Hitler Youth Choir rambling on for five fucking hours.
Kathy said,
December 20, 2006 at 19:18
Maybe the girl was told she’d get to keep the candle, take it home with her. And so on. Pretty annoying if it’s broken.
Celticgirl: Very funny, I laughed outloud!
Woodrowfan said,
December 20, 2006 at 19:24
now I know why the Malkinesse was staring so intently at the onion ring in an earlier SN entry. And that wasn’t katsup!
J Neo Marvin said,
December 20, 2006 at 21:01
The Ramones did a version of “Tainted Love”?
Candy said,
December 20, 2006 at 21:19
Wasn’t it The Cure?
Some Guy said,
December 20, 2006 at 22:08
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tainted_Love
Okay, maybe it wasn’t the Ramones. Must have been Soft Cell. I don’t know 80s bands.
TC said,
December 20, 2006 at 23:33
J Neo-
Work up a cover version: Tainted Love as done by The Ramones!
Dr. BDH said,
December 20, 2006 at 23:33
What was the choir singing?
Hark, the herald angels sing
Gently stroking phallic things…
ACG said,
December 20, 2006 at 23:46
So, I was thinking the other day. Since Jesus was a good Jewish boy, and since he wouldn’t be celebrating his birthday in December, what with him being born in June and all, wouldn’t he have spent this month preparing for… Hanukkah? So is our insistence on cramming our Target stores with aisles and aisles of tacky Christmas decorations while providing one measly end cap to a meagre collection of cheap menorahs, dreidels, and paper napkins with the star of David on them really kind of a bitch slap to Jesus?
I mean, if the Second Coming happened to be today, would he be all, “What the fuck? 14 million observant Jews throughout the world, and Target can’t even get any fucking gelt in here?”
TC said,
December 21, 2006 at 0:03
Not to mention the whole pagan solstice festival part.
I mean, it’s like being thrown a birthday party, and yes, there’s a huge party, but it’s at the neighbor’s house, and it’s two weeks earlier than your actual day of birth, and it’s also a celebration of Aunt Judy and Uncle Mike’s anniversary as well as a housewarming for the Wilkinses and a special occasion for Grandma Tiffle’s clean colonoscopy…
So then, you drink a couple of Winter Ales too many, and wander around glowering at the other party-goers, muttering darkly about the “REAL reason for the party”…
Jillian said,
December 21, 2006 at 1:07
It’s really not how well the flashlight works that determines whether your lady friend sees Jesus or not, you know…..there’s a whole lot of other appliances that need to be in working order for that to happen.
Sounds like Gavin’s been reading The Pearl lately. We need to work some references to godemiches in there somehow, I think.
kdaddy said,
December 21, 2006 at 2:34
Pastor Swanker should have taken command of the situation! By that
I mean bull-rushing the choir, wresting control of the evil, mood destroying electric candle device and imploring all present to get properly
focused on the sweet musical homage to our non-drinking Christmas
Jeebus.
Herr Doktor Bimler said,
December 21, 2006 at 5:01
He started out talking about how in the beginning of the world there were no colors at all, blah blah blah god gave the world colors, blah de blah, then the world got dark again (’cause of them EEEEEEEVIL pagans) and so then he sent JEEZUS to bring color back to the world.
This was a difficult task, and Jesus did not finish bringing colour back to the world until about 1960. Before then, large parts of the world were still monochrome, as you can see when you watch old movies.
mikey said,
December 21, 2006 at 6:13
Day – Ammm, that musta sucked!!
mikey
Djur said,
December 21, 2006 at 7:55
I saw Jesus in the morning in the burning bush
I saw Jesus in the afternoon too
I saw Jesus at dinner swimming in my stew
That Jesus is everywhere
Jesus down by the riverbed, oooh
Jesus layin’ down by me, oooh
Jesus by the riverbed, oooh
Then Jesus came in to me
Priceless said,
December 21, 2006 at 8:02
Gavin,
Love the graphic. That is all.
Gavin M. said,
December 21, 2006 at 8:06
Love the graphic. That is all.
Ah, but did you click and see the animation?
RubDMC said,
December 21, 2006 at 9:21
“Christmas Eve is perhaps the most important night of the year for the city’s Jewish singles. While Boston’s gentiles are tucked away with their eggnog…something massive has happened in the clubs. Christmas Eve has evolved into Jewish Valentine’s Day.”
Why am I always the last one to find out about this stuff?
http://www.boston.com/yourlife/articles/2006/12/21/a_christmas_eve_klatch/
g said,
December 21, 2006 at 16:39
in the beginning of the world there were no colors at all, blah blah blah god gave the world colors, blah de blah, then the world got dark again (’cause of them EEEEEEEVIL pagans) and so then he sent JEEZUS to bring color back to the world.
Yes, and that’s why good Scottish Episcopalian Christian ladies dress in mauve, beige, ice blue, and forest green, while those EVIL pagan ladies wear bright magenta saris, orange flamenco pants, and giant purple read and yellow fruit baskets on top of their heads while they samba.
Gentlewoman said,
December 21, 2006 at 21:14
Samba!!!1!!
That is all.