4
Meet the New Gary, Not the Same
as the Old Gary
Two things:
1.) I will never, ever in my life again underestimate the Detroit Lions. Jeebus, that game was not easy to win. Hope Maroney and Vrabel are OK. Tom Brady and Corey Dillon are Bradrocket’s homiez.
[Gavin adds: see below.]
2.) Many of you have been asking why Gary Ruppert, the infamous Sadly, No! troll/illegal immigrant, wasn’t deported back to Mexico after the Democrats won last month’s elections. The answer is, he has. The Gary we’ve known and loved for the past eight or so months is now back in his home country, living on a steady diet of llama urine.
“Gary Ruppert misses you, amigos.”
However, this doesn’t mean that we’ve seen the last of “Gary.” You see, Gary Rupperts are a lot like Number Twos in The Prisoner. In other words, when one version of “Gary” fails to achieve his goals, the Republican Party quickly recruits another “Gary” to take his place. So ever since the GOP lost power in November, the “Gary” who’s been trolling in the comments has actually been this guy:
Meet Omar al-Ruppert. He’s a former Afghan poppy farmer who was swept up and detained by the CIA back in 2001, and has spent the past five years down in sunny Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. After the election, Omar was released from Gitmo and sent to Netvocates Headquarters, where he now works as a full-time right-wing Internets troll. How are you likin’ the new job, Omar?
“P-p-p-p-please do not put me under water again!
I love my work! Bush akbar! America akbar!”
Now that’s the kind of attitude I like! I’m sure you’ll do just fine, New Gary. Welcome to Sadly, No!
Gavin adds: Hey check it out, Brad made a video:
Bradrocket replies: Ha, ha! That’s awesome, though my Patriots man-crush is actually Troy Brown.
JK47 said,
December 4, 2006 at 0:54
I really miss Guillermo Rupperto. He was so cute! So sad to see him deported to the dustbin of history, er, Mexico.
Brad R. said,
December 4, 2006 at 0:59
Give the New Gary a chance, OK? He’s a little bit unsure of himself, and he’s very scared of being
torturedaggressively interrogated if he doesn’t do his job well.Candy said,
December 4, 2006 at 1:01
Well, maybe Obrador will win his rightful place at the helm, and pobre Garicito will be saved. One can only hope.
Candy said,
December 4, 2006 at 1:04
Um, maybe if New Gary slips in some poppy growing techniques? I mean, how much watering would be, like, too much?
Just out of intellectual curiosity, and all…
Gentlewoman said,
December 4, 2006 at 1:08
Hey, can you guys do a post like this for the Preview Button? Maybe if you featured it on the front page, it would come back. From wherever it is. I hope it’s not in Gitmo.
It’s worth a try. I attempted to call it back with promises of treats, but it didn’t work. That works for cats, but not Preview Buttons, I guess.
Gary Ruppert said,
December 4, 2006 at 1:17
The fact is that the recent midterm elections were a crushing victory for Republicans.
All of the new Democratic congresspeople are well known to be rabid conservatives.
As well, even if the new Democrats aren’t right-wing conservatives, we Republicans are poised for vistory in 2008. Our genius strategy in Iraq, combined with our many electoral accomplishments on behalf of the American people, show that we are the party of ideas, ready to lead this country to a new greatness.
Smiling Mortician said,
December 4, 2006 at 1:22
Funny, the preview button was always tempted by treats in the past. I can’t imagine why it wouldn’t come home now unless . . . oh no . . . you don’t think . . . ?
New Gary, you didn’t happen to see the preview button in any of your recent travels, did you?
And I compliment you on your first post, by the way. It’s quite adequate, with only a slight bobble on the idea of “crushing victory,” which probably revealed a bit more than it should have. But overall, nice work.
Candy said,
December 4, 2006 at 1:23
New Gary needs to be retooled. That’s just sad.
“Preview Button! Get your ass in the house this minute, or you’ll be grounded for life!”..
….wind sighing around the eaves, crickets chirping…..
J— said,
December 4, 2006 at 1:23
Welcome to the Sadly, No! Big Show, new Gary. Troll hard and remember how you got here, because the fact is, there are scores of potential Garies who are hungry for a break and would love to take your place in the starting Gary rotation.
JK47 said,
December 4, 2006 at 1:25
Are you guys familiar with thefactis.org? That’s got Gar’s fingerprints all over it. Check out this part:
TheFactis.org staff, writers and outlook are unashamedly and unequivocally Catholic yet we believe what we have to say is relevant to a wider audience and we strive to engage all people of faith and goodwill.
TheFactIs.org is a joint project of the Culture of Life Foundation and the Catholic Family and Human Rights Institute (C-FAM).
It’d be sweet to go over there and do some reverse-Gary trolling, but does thefactis.org allow comments?
Sadly, no.
Herr Doktor Bimler said,
December 4, 2006 at 1:28
Bravo, Omar. Off to a good start.
It all makes sense, now… the change in Gary’s phraseology, the hint of desperation…
But to reduce this slight, grating mismatch between the old and the new Gary, to ensure a seamless transition, a few more cliches would be good. How about “the death knell of liberalism”? We haven’t had a Death Knell for a long time. Also the name Death Nell brings back mental images of a foxy goth girl I used to know.
maddie said,
December 4, 2006 at 1:30
Aaiiiee, Gary! Pobrecito!
Gary Ruppert said,
December 4, 2006 at 1:33
The fact is I gave it the college try.
As well, if I were more drunk, probably I could achieve greater heights of right-wing lunacy.
Sure, the real Gary (whatever that means) is gone, and we all miss him (????), but at least a few proud Americans are willing to step up to the plate and spew Republican talking points in these dark days of imminent jihadist takeover. So, IN YOUR FACE, Dhimmicrats/Islamofascists!!11!
mrstrailerco said,
December 4, 2006 at 1:38
Gavin, I’ve been singing that song since I saw it over at Guilliard’s place yesterday. I’ve emailed it to all of my friends who would understand even half of it. It’s the funniest thing on the internets. And the guy singing it! How into it is he?
Smiling Mortician said,
December 4, 2006 at 1:39
A little touch of Gary in the night is quite magical. And aren’t we all a little Gary, honestly? Who among us can say we aren’t at least occasionally Gary? [stands up proudly] I am Gartacus!
Candy said,
December 4, 2006 at 1:42
I am Gartacus!
mmm...lemonheads said,
December 4, 2006 at 1:46
Is fact the..Republicans for victory crushing a were elections midterm recent.
Awesome – if you recite Gary-speak backwards it sounds like Kaye Grogan and Swankosity.
I’ve found the Repub Davinci Code. Or I’m buzzed and bored.
And never overestimate the Lions. I’ve suffered for all my thirty seven years and don’t expect any relief in my lifetime.
But Brady’s from here; some satisfaction in that.
Clint said,
December 4, 2006 at 1:57
Omar Al-Ruppert wrote:
we Republicans are poised for vistory in 2008.
Err, Gary, I think you misspelled “Victory” or “History”. Oh, wait! You were trying to spell “Colossal embarrassment.”
Lune said,
December 4, 2006 at 2:03
I think we’re dealing with something more serious here…
On Sept. 12, 2001, a young mexican boy had an experience that would change his (and possibly our ) lives forever. You see, this young boy was scared of terrorists. That day, he was visited by the inhabiting spirit know only as GARY. The spirit showed the boy an image of Osama bin Laden. The youth became so afraid that he embraced the spirit, becoming one with it, and thus became Gary Ruppert.
This year, the spirit GARY was exorcised from the young mexican by the crushing victory of the Democratic Party. Exorcised but not destroyed. It now inhabits the body of a middle-aged poppy farmer.
GARY lusts only for power and control. Its presence if often accompanied by the smell of engine oil and burning constitutions. This cryptic note was left by the former Ruppert before he was deported:
Through the darkness of terrorism past
the keyboardist longs to see
one chance out between two parties
‘Fire walk with me.’
a different brad said,
December 4, 2006 at 2:11
Lune brings up, indirectly, a damn fine point. Both the residents of the Black Lodge and the residents of the White House want their garmonbozia. Are we ignoring the evil owl lobby’s influence in current events?
Gary Ruppert said,
December 4, 2006 at 2:31
The fact is I have a Sadly, No! contest idea.
No, not a wet-T-shirt contest, or a monter-truck contest, or something equally cool. I propose a suitably goofy Sadly, No! contest:
I propose that everybody who has been imitating/parodying Gary on this site for the last two years step to the mic and show us your best stuff. Because all of the people on this site are obviously penniless liberals and/or welfare cheats, there can be no cash prizes.
However, participants who display the greatest degree of Garyness will receive the total respect and awe of as many as twelve people (the total readership of Sadly, No!). Borthers and sisters, are you with me?
Mehitabel the Abyssinian said,
December 4, 2006 at 2:37
Um, are cats eligible to compete? As well as the brethren and the cistern and the sock-puppets?
Gary Ruppert said,
December 4, 2006 at 2:41
are cats eligible to compete? As well as the brethren and the cistern and the sock-puppets?
To quote a sage, bring ‘em on.
g said,
December 4, 2006 at 2:47
“the name Death Nell brings back mental images of a foxy goth girl I used to know.”
Bwaah!
” Victoryâ€? or “Historyâ€?.
You’re sure he doesn’t mean vistula? Or fistula?
Kitty Cheese said,
December 4, 2006 at 2:49
Full speed ahead, and get the whiners below decks!
Herr Doktor Bimler said,
December 4, 2006 at 3:51
Vistory (adj.). Being like, or having the quality of a vista. As in, “The view from that mountain-top down into the valley is all vistory.”
Lesley said,
December 4, 2006 at 3:58
Having been holed up in Gitmo, Omar al-Ruppert would be more convincing as a double agent (of the Repugs and al-Qaeda). I’m presuming he holds a grudge.
Miss Emily said,
December 4, 2006 at 4:18
Oh Candy,
Was “Garicito” the proper diminutive? I referred to him as our “little Garlito” a while back; but I’ll be the first to admit that the only Spanish I have is a couple of (mostly profane) phrases taught to me by a Mexican guy I used to date.
[and if you want to talk about memories that will keep me smiling in the nursing-home...] Just sayin’! It’s amazing how much communicating one can do, even without a common language.
Dan Someone said,
December 4, 2006 at 4:35
It’s amazing how much communicating one can do, even without a common language.
“Communicating”? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
ifthethunderdontgetya said,
December 4, 2006 at 4:35
If you’re looking for the Real Garyâ„¢, look .
Seems the poor tyke has been damned to hell.
ifthethunderdontgetya said,
December 4, 2006 at 4:38
Damned tags.
Notorious P.A.T. said,
December 4, 2006 at 4:54
I will never, ever in my life again underestimate the Detroit Lions
Go ahead and underestimate them. That’s just the Lions being the Lions: we all right them off, declare the season over, try to figure out how they will waste their top three draft pick. . . *then* they come to play.
gjdodger said,
December 4, 2006 at 5:03
The Lions can barely lose to everybody. They’re going to get the Number One draft choice, and they’ll probably lose that, too. Everybody in Detroit would be happiest if the Lions would lose Matt Millen, but he keeps leaving a trail of breadcrumbs back from Ford Field to Allen Park.
Miss Emily said,
December 4, 2006 at 5:17
“Communicating�? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
Umm…Yeah! That’s it.
Actually, “dating” was where I used the euphemism; but “communicating” works too.
FlipYrWhig said,
December 4, 2006 at 6:00
Everybody in Detroit would be happiest if the Lions would lose Matt Millen, but he keeps leaving a trail of breadcrumbs back from Ford Field to Allen Park
What’s worse is the trail of ranch dressing beside it.
RobW said,
December 4, 2006 at 6:09
In other words, when one version of “Gary� fails to achieve his goals, the Republican Party quickly recruits another “Gary� to take his place.
So, Gary is neither Mexican nor Afghan. The fact is, he is a Ceylon.
Contestant #1 said,
December 4, 2006 at 6:12
The fact is you liberals will not be saved by your cats or your football or your foxy goth girls, who are morally suspect and in all likelihood diseased except for maybe the cats.
The fact is it’s the conservative movement that can save you but it won’t because you had your chance and you lost it by losing the elections last month that you think you won.
The fact is I am very very smart and you should listen to what I have to say but I’m not going to say it right now because
Rover said,
December 4, 2006 at 6:58
Uuurrph!
JillK. said,
December 4, 2006 at 7:20
Well that explains why he gave up after only one try on the “Empire Strikes Hilarity” thread!
a different brad said,
December 4, 2006 at 9:03
Foxy goth girls? Where?
Actually, i live too close to williamsburg as it is, nevermind.
And the term is now hipster, anyhow.
RobW said,
December 4, 2006 at 9:52
The fact is you liberals will not be saved by your cats or your football or your foxy goth girls, who are morally suspect and in all likelihood diseased except for maybe the cats.
My cats are indeed morally suspect. Forget “suspect.” I know damned well they have no moral sense at all.
Excellent effort, #1, but it was just too grammatically correct. Also, I’m afraid we’ll have to deduct points for the absence of any invented words, like islamofascist or defeatocrat.
gjdodger said,
December 4, 2006 at 19:18
What’s worse is the trail of ranch dressing beside it.
Well, Mike Williams was hungry.
IMH said,
December 5, 2006 at 18:21
I will never, ever in my life again underestimate the Detroit Lions
I’ve been a Lions fan for ages, so belive me when I say that as a fan, I’ve wrote them off for the next five years…