Dec
1

A SadNo Exclusive




Posted at 18:26 by D. Aristophanes

We have obtained a copy of the never-before-seen sixth chapter of Orson Scott Card’s novel, Empire:

eripme6.jpg


Empire, Chapter 6

The First Among Equals drummed his manicured fingers upon the tabletop
impatiently. He coughed violently, his sparrow-chested frame convulsing in
pain.

“Enough!� he shouted at the murmuring men seated around the lavender,
kidney-shaped conference room table. He picked at a blistered hole in the
otherwise immaculate vinyl surface in front of him as the men settled down,
abashed at this outburst.

“Enough of the niceties,� the FAE repeated. “Phase One of Operation
T.R.E.A.S.O.N. is complete. Reports!�

A somewhat heavyset man with thinning hair and a furtive expression cleared
his throat.

“Yes, Agent Phillips. So nice of you to join us.�

“There was a snag at Ground Zero,� Steve Phillips said. “Our patsy cornered
me after the hit.�

“Reuben Malich found you?� the FAE asked incredulously as the nervous
muttering of the other men threatened to become a dull roar.

“Quiet!� the FAE shouted, rapping his effeminate knuckles upon the table
with a kind of noncey flair. “Comrades, I need not remind you all that Major
Reuben Malich’s tiger-like fluidity of movement and alertness of eye could
wreak havoc upon our plans. Malich is everything we fear and detest – a Red
State soldier who is as loyal to the ideals of duty, honor and country as he
is merciless to those who would subvert them. He must be stopped before he
courageously topples our devious scheme to usurp the rightful rulers of the
American republic … the people themselves!â€?

“Hear, hear!� shouted the other men in robotic unison.

“Phillips, you shall guide Malich into a trap,� the FAE said. “Being a Red
State fool, it is certain that he will gullibly trust you as an ally. When
you arrange your meetings, do not waste any time scouting for a possible
double-cross. It is simply inconceivable that a corn-fed rube such as Malich
could outsmart an elite progressive such as yourself.�

“Yes, Comrade First Among Equals,� said Phillips.

“Good. Very good. You have your orders … now go!�

Phillips rose from his ergonomic chair, strapped on his fannypack and exited
the conference room.

The FAE turned to his remaining comrades.

“Phillips can’t be trusted. Did you know that he was once the general
manager of the Mets? He really overpaid for Mo Vaughn. Still, he ought to be
able to handle Malich. Now then, onto the rest of your reports. Propaganda!�

Comrade Dan Rather stood up.

“Comrade First Among Equals and comrades,� he began. “We have infiltrated
all the major media outlets with agents of progress. We either control the
presses or have useful idiots in place at 99 percent of all television,
radio, print and Internet media organizations throughout the country.

“However …�

The men in the room gave a collective sigh, as if they knew what was coming.

“One network continues to evade our every effort to suborn it. One network
continues to see through our devious liberal agenda. One network …�

The FAE interrupted Rather. “Murdoch and FOX News will be dealt with in due
course. The days left to Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, Brit Hume and the
rest, to pierce the veil of our decades-long duplicity are … shall we say,
numbered.

“Comrade Rather, other than the FOX problem, which shall be handled
presently, you seem to have our propaganda efforts well in hand. Let’s move
along. Treachery! Your report?�

The three comrades responsible for the Treachery Division of Operation
T.R.E.A.S.O.N. stood up. John McCain signaled to Jim Jeffords and Lincoln
Chafee that he, McCain, would do the talking.

“Comrade First Among Equals. Comrades,� McCain started. “For years, we have
done the scut work of undermining the conservative majority in this country.
We have pushed for campaign finance reform. We have spoke out in favor of
abortion. We have opposed the designation of John Bolton as UN ambassador.

“We have even flipped as Republicans to the Democratic caucus when the need
arose,� he continued, with a nod to Jeffords.

“Today, all our thankless work as double agents finally bore fruit. With the
successful execution of Phase One of our plan, the assassination of the
conservative president and his closest advisers, we near the day when we may
come out of hiding and show our true colors to the public.

“But first, there is more work to be done. In the coming days, we will
complete a second wave of assassinations and arrests, eliminating the
remaining icons of conservatism in this country. Even as we speak, our
operatives prepare to strike at Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, Antonin Scalia,
John Hinderaker, Gary Ruppert, Tom DeLay, Iron Fist, Curt Schilling, Pastor
J. Grant Swank, Jonah Goldberg, Frank J., Ollie North, Lord Spatula I, King
& Tyrant, Clarence Thomas …�

“Hold!� purred the First Among Equals. “I think we should re-think our plans
for Clarence Thomas.�

“But comrade!� sputtered McCain.

“Silence!� whined the First Among Equals, his voice growing petulant and
fey. “For the past four decades we have convinced black Americans that we
liberals are their allies. It has been a remarkable achievement. For even as
we paid lip service to improving the black man’s lot, behind his back we
pursued our true agenda – to make a virtual slave of him in a culture of
dependency.

“And it worked. Blacks voted for Democrats by a 9-to-1 ratio. They supported
our social policies, never knowing that those same polices were intended to
keep them down.

“Yet in recent years, our trickery has been losing its power to hide our
real intent. The invisible hand of free market capitalism – curse it to
Hell! – has begun to lift the black man out of the cycle of poverty we so
carefully kept him in. And as he becomes more prosperous, so does the black
turn his back on us.

“Thankfully, we have been able to intervene.

“Indeed, we ought to thank the God we loathe for the secret fleet of planes
we used to seed Hurricane Katrina when it was just a Category 3 storm
entering the Gulf of Mexico. For had we not been able to flood New Orleans
and create a new round of race-based recriminations in this country, we may
well have lost the compliant Negro support we depend so heavily upon …
before Operation T.R.E.A.S.O.N. ever got off the ground.

“Which brings me to Thomas. It is inevitable that he will someday be seen by
black people as the greatest African-American who ever lived …�

The FOE was interrupted by howls of protest from around the room.

“Let me finish! Of course, WE will not be the ones to raise him on that
pedestal! And WE will have the power to smash such heresy with all the power
of the state! But let us not be fools, comrades. As mighty as we will be, we
cannot stop the relentless march of history.�

He paused for effect.

“No. It is inevitable that in time, Clarence Thomas will come to be regarded
as the Great Liberator of black America. His tireless courage, his quiet
dignity, his relentless mission to free his fellows from the shackles of the
Nanny State …�

Again, the FOE was interrupted by shouts from around the room.

“Be silent! Fools! Do you not remember our feeble attempt at a high-tech
lynching of Thomas, lo those many years ago? Do you not recall how it set
our movement back a decade?

“No, you silly gooses! We cannot halt a historic inevitability. But we can
hinder it. Better for Clarence Thomas to live out his days as a doddering
thorn in our side …�

Again, he paused, this time for want of breath – his body again consumed by
a short coughing fit.

“… then as the martyr who will lose us the Negro forever!�

The room was silent. None could muster the courage to question the FOE’s
pronouncement. None dared dissent from his judgment. Long seconds passed.
The First Among Equals finally lifted himself from the reverie into which he
had fallen.

“Is there no one present who can give me an intelligent report? One
befitting our elite status as the architects of change?�

A small non-descript man looked nervously at the others. He made a slight
move forward, as if to volunteer his voice.

“Yes?� said the FOE. “Personnel, you wish to speak?�

“Comrade First Among Equals,� said the head of Personnel. “I have welcome
news and more which is … not so welcome.�

The comrades around him groaned under their breath. The FOE glared sharply
at the Personnel chief.

“Give us the bad news first, I suppose.�

“It’s about your brother, Comrade First Among Equals. He’s … he’s dead,
comrade.�

A look of shock washed over the FOE’s face. It quickly subsided.

“It was the jihadis, comrade,� continued the head of Personnel. “They … they
beheaded him just hours before Phase One of the operation took place.�

The FOE sighed.

“We sent my brother to Pakistan, to be held by our al-Qaeda comrades as a
hostage in good faith. No doubt he did something to offend them. Or perhaps
his mere existence as a member of the imperialist patriarchal West was
enough for them to require his head, to help ease the suffering we have
caused them. I am saddened … but can I blame them? No! No, in fact, my heart
rejoices that our Islamic brothers have, through their righteousness,
wrested some small measure of justice from we, their nefarious oppressors!
It is indeed a wonderful day, this day!

“Now what was the bad news?�

The Personnel chief shuffled the papers in front of him.

“It’s more good news, actually,� he said. “As you know, comrades, our
commando units have been preparing for months to carry out low- to mid-level
operations in the wake of Phase One of the operation.

“But as many of you also know, there’s been a … slight hitch. There’s really
no way to put it nicely. Basically, just about all of our commandos –
recruited from throughout elite liberal society – well, they’re all just
too, um, sissy to fire a gun with any accuracy. When called upon to fire,
they sort of hold their rifles out all limp-wristed and faggoty. Like total
pansies. And they can’t drive tanks or fly helicopters or do much of
anything, really. I mean, they can color-coordinate like the Dickens, but
…â€?

“And this is the good news, comrade?� asked the First Among Equals.

“I’m sorry, comrade, I’m getting to that. To cut a long story short, the
problem was so troubling to me that I went to the Hedonism division for
help. The upshot is that the Super Soldier steroid-methamphetamine cocktail
the Hedonism boys came up with has been a huge hit with our commandos. Not
only are they able to handle their weapons with ease now, but a lot of them
prefer to just run right up to the enemy through a hail of gunfire and sort
of self-detonate in an explosion of pumped-up muscle tissue and adrenaline!

“So we’ve got that going for us.�

The First Among Equals smiled broadly. For the first since the meeting
convened, his comrades felt at ease.

“Comrades, today is a historic day,� the FOA began. “Today is the day we
seize the reins of power, the day we straddle the Whore of America, and
purge her of her patriotic fools … and soon, we will hand her over as a
meager sacrifice to the righteous vengeance of Islam.

“But before we do so, let us enjoy for a brief time the spoils of our
conquest. Let us go forth and sup of the Whore’s fecund loins! Let us lure
to our lairs her healthy, well-adjusted Red State sons and daughters … who,
in awe of our new godlike power, will finally mate willingly with us … with
US!!! Imagine, comrades! Imagine what perverse pleasure lies in store for
we, the chosen few, when the milk-fed perfection of Red State youth abases
itself before us, the contemptible, misshapen progressives! O! Happy day!
When the God-fearing patriots of this nation must watch helplessly as we
loathsome liberals violate them in every way!�

46 Comments »

  1. Notorious P.A.T. said,

    December 1, 2006 at 18:33

    A masterpiece! Two thumbs up! The next time I meet with Osama I will suggest this as our next book club selection.

  2. Phantasmagoria said,

    December 1, 2006 at 18:41

    Oh, D, we love you, but you needn’t parody Orson Scott Card. Orson Scott Card parodies HIMSELF.

  3. Leonard Pinth Garnel said,

    December 1, 2006 at 18:41

    Deliciously bad!

  4. JillK. said,

    December 1, 2006 at 18:43

    D,

    Amusing, but not really true-to-life. For example, surely someone with a respiratory problem that bad would immediately seek out the assistance of his herbalist and acupunturist as soon as the meeting ended!

    And you describe the despoiling of the virtue of the Red-State youth without once mentioning converting them to homosexuality!

    Tsk! Tsk!

  5. Jillian said,

    December 1, 2006 at 18:46

    Leave the picture upside down. It’s better that way.

  6. thedarkbackward said,

    December 1, 2006 at 18:51

    Nah – this is FAR too well written.

    Where’s the bizarre, clipped. Sentence. Structure?

    Why is no-one being referred to as a “guy”?

    Why is no-one being threatened with a protractor?

  7. ifthethunderdontgetya said,

    December 1, 2006 at 18:52

    I’d like to see Gary get a bigger role, this being a compilation of all his Sadly, No! postings.

  8. themann1086 said,

    December 1, 2006 at 18:58

    Beautiful. I wept at the wonder.

  9. Pvt. Lefty Cornholis said,

    December 1, 2006 at 18:59

    Brilliant!!! I can’t wait for the next installment although I’ve heard that the forced D&C to rip Mitt Romneys bloody fetus from the womb of K-Lo is pretty graphic.

  10. Roxanne said,

    December 1, 2006 at 18:59

    You left out the bit with the looking glass.

  11. Otto Man said,

    December 1, 2006 at 19:06

    “One network continues to evade our every effort to suborn it. One network
    continues to see through our devious liberal agenda. One network …�

    The FAE interrupted Rather. “Murdoch and FOX News will be dealt with in due
    course. The days left to Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, Brit Hume and the
    rest, to pierce the veil of our decades-long duplicity are … shall we say,
    numbered.

    And for more on that paranoid conservative fantasy, check here.

  12. TheYelloElephantBrigade said,

    December 1, 2006 at 19:17

    Evil Genius.

    I hope you were able to flush out your brain, after channeling OSC for that long.

    And read my comic, damnit!

    http://www.drunkduck.com/Taking_Stock

  13. mikey said,

    December 1, 2006 at 19:23

    Um, I’m pretty liberal. Can I get a big crystal tumbler of the Super Soldier steroid-methamphetamine cocktail? In fact, this being Friday and all, I probably better get two…

    mikey

  14. kdaddy said,

    December 1, 2006 at 19:54

    I read that whole thing…while no “jouncing military vehicles” were included(deep,deep disappointment), the noncey flaired rapping of effiminate knuckles were a substantive alternate.

  15. Constantine said,

    December 1, 2006 at 19:56

    That was way too well written to be chapter 6. This following passage has a problem:

    Phillips rose from his ergonomic chair, strapped on his fannypack and…

    No… fannypacks are down-to-earth red-state gear from salt-of-the-earth Americans. Phillips, liberal elitist that he is, likely carries a messenger bag or some other kind of “manbag” accessory.

  16. J— said,

    December 1, 2006 at 19:58

    Congratulations, DA, for making it to the Sadly, No! Big Show.

  17. Marsupial said,

    December 1, 2006 at 20:07

    Constantine is right — a real Liberal carries a murse.

  18. D. Aristophanes said,

    December 1, 2006 at 20:15

    Agreed. So how about:

    Phillips rose from his chair, collected his man-purse and exited the room. Around the conference table, the remaining men adjusted from the Akarna-dhanura-asana pose to the Siddha-asana in anticipation of a long meeting.

  19. Otto Man said,

    December 1, 2006 at 20:35

    Nice change. There needs to be a sushi-and-latte break in there somewhere, but all in all you’ve captured our very essence.

  20. the Roomba of Historyâ„¢ said,

    December 1, 2006 at 20:39

    Look upon the face of librulmunistofascilamism and know your enemy!

  21. the Roomba of Historyâ„¢ said,

    December 1, 2006 at 20:41

    Too bad I vacuumed up the preview button a couple months ago.

    How about the face of islacommieterrormexifascicratism

  22. K said,

    December 1, 2006 at 20:43

    Great stuff!

    You erred in your transcription, however… omitting the part where Rather reports:

    “In addition, Comrade First Among Equals, we have successfully photoshopped dead Lebanese children into each and every news story in print!”

    “Even the Arts and Fine Dining sections?” smirked the FAE.

    “It’s ‘what’s for dinner,’ comrade.”

    “Eeexcellent.”

  23. RobW said,

    December 1, 2006 at 20:45

    Did someone say Red State fanny pack?

    http://www.copsplus.com/prodnum1167.php

  24. kiche said,

    December 1, 2006 at 20:52

    this is the greatest literary achievement to come out in years.

  25. RobW said,

    December 1, 2006 at 20:53

    Phillips rose from his chair, collected his man-purse and exited the room. Around the conference table, the remaining men adjusted from the Akarna-dhanura-asana pose to the Siddha-asana in anticipation of a long meeting.

    Better, but still not quite right…

    Phillips rose. From his chair. He collected his man-purse, checked his dive gear, and gasped. And exited the room. Around the conference table, the remaining guys adjusted from the Akarna-dhanura-asana pose to the Siddha-asana, sweat glistening from their elitist sinful brows. They anticipated a long meeting. It was Saturday the fourteenth.

  26. Tulkinghorn said,

    December 1, 2006 at 21:01

    But who is FAE nee FOE ?

    I was giggling at the idea of Billy Carter being the hostage sent out by great evil Mastermind Jimmy. but Billy has been dead for 18 years. Clinton and Barney Frank don’t have brothers… Wait, Hillary has a brother, doesn’t she?

  27. ACG said,

    December 1, 2006 at 21:30

    Clinton has a half-brother, and I can imagine that no one in his family would be too terribly upset to see Roger get the… axe. Ew. Unintentional pun.

  28. Otto Man said,

    December 1, 2006 at 21:37

    Roger Clinton’s powerful mullet would prevent any such beheading. Seriously, that thing’s like chain mail.

  29. localroger said,

    December 1, 2006 at 22:10

    Now all we need is a Day By Day strip extolling the wonders of this prose for the Great Black Hole of Suckage to envelope the Universe.

  30. Robbie said,

    December 2, 2006 at 0:30

    How many adverbs were in those first two sentences? That’s craptacular.

  31. Kathleen said,

    December 2, 2006 at 0:48

    that was so good.

  32. JillK. said,

    December 2, 2006 at 0:54

    How many adverbs were in those first two sentences? That’s craptacular.

    Two.

  33. Gus said,

    December 2, 2006 at 1:08

    It’s a bit too well written when compared with the first five chapters, but a damn good parody nonetheless.

  34. M.Christian said,

    December 2, 2006 at 1:09

    On a side note I have received exclusive footage of the first true progressive revolutionary terrorist act. Gives a new twist on ‘daisy bombs’ eh?

    http://graffitiresearchlab.com/?page_id=46#video

  35. Matt T. said,

    December 2, 2006 at 1:19

    Sad thing is there are people in this world – and who visit this site – who think this is actually how THE LEFT does its business. There are people who actually think social programs are designed solely to increase racial seperation, that we’re just dying to turn over the show to Islamic fundamentalists, and that firearms are liberal kryptonite. Hell, these people think all liberals, leftists, socialists, left-anarchist, collectivists, communists, progressives, New Agers and moderate Democrats keep coordinated. Now, rarely, do these people actually admit they think this little laugh is true-to-life, but the arugements they use, the only way they could remain logically consistent in the reality they maintain is “the real one” is if they actually thought the muddle that is the left acted like this.

    But, that’s what I get for expecting anything approaching logical consistency from the average wingnut. These people are, of course, fucking stupid. I think they know they are, too, and it makes ‘em mad they can’t do anything about it without admitting they wished to be not as stupid as they currently are. It’s why Gary such a grouchy ol’ poop all the damn time. Never in my life have I seen some who needs a few bong rips as bad as that boy.

  36. Thers said,

    December 2, 2006 at 2:11

    An excellent job… but in this case, fiction is stranger, than, uh, fiction. No super-soldier formula, but heavily-armed mechanical battle-snowglobes. No, seriously:

    “Rube has his wife and kids move in with a relative in West Windsor, New Jersey. Before joining them, Rube and Cole must meet up with Rube’s old buddies from Special Ops for some serious brainstorming. The men have not been in New Jersey with the family half a day before chaos comes stomping (literally) back in. This time it is fourteen-foot-tall, bulletproof, heavily armed globes on mechanical legs. The mechs, along with gunmen on individual hovercrafts, succeed in seizing New York City and establishing the “Progressive Restoration”. They claim to be restoring the government to what it should have been and even invite other cities and states to join them. It looks as though a second American Civil War has erupted. One side has high tech weapons. The other side has militia footmen, Rube, and Cole.”

  37. Smiling Mortician said,

    December 2, 2006 at 2:18

    Matt T., the only thing wrong with your latest post is that you keep using the word “think” to refer to those who buy (purchase, take home, put in a cupboard for safekeeping, take out to display on special and not-so-special occasions) the Big Lie that is RightFear. They don’t think. No snark here, no intentional slams, just the reality of the process that gives them their world view — and that process really, really, really doesn’t involve thinking.

  38. Karl Rove II said,

    December 2, 2006 at 2:31

    “Never in my life have I seen some who needs a few bong rips as bad as that boy.”

    Not to mention a good blowjob…

  39. Matt T. said,

    December 2, 2006 at 2:58

    Mort,
    I know, I know. Character flaw of mine, I suppose, to assume that just because a dumb-ass, pot-smoking, Bocephus-loving, long-haired stump jumper like me can apply logic and reason when dealing with reality, and despite being a good-nature, idealistic daydreamer sort, I nevertheless have a good grip on this whole “rational thinking” lark, everyone can do it. They’re sorta like the woo-woo New Ager yay-hoos who’ve decided quantum physics explains also sorts of mystical folderal. If I can call bullshit on it, fool I am, I automatically believe at least most folks can, too. Maybe I’m a dreamer…

    KRII,
    Man, let’s take baby steps first, okay. I know I can the boy stoned, but I don’t feel comfortable promising anyone any sort of sexual favors. My old pappaw always told me, “Boy, always follow through on what you promise. It’ll learn you to keep your mouth shut.” I don’t know if I’d be comfortable asking so much of someone for, let’s face it, so little in return. Single-payer healthcare, sure. A smile on Sadly, No’s Little Persimmon of Wingnutism, not so much.

  40. Smiling Mortician said,

    December 2, 2006 at 3:05

    The world could use more of your kind of dreamer, Matt. Oh, and I must say that in the last few days I have become convinced that I’d be a far better person if I had ever met your pappaw.

  41. g said,

    December 2, 2006 at 6:27

    I am not worthy. I am not worthy.

  42. dmgroves said,

    December 2, 2006 at 9:00

    Please, please, please keep up the ‘Empire’ posts. Please. Please.

  43. Gentlewoman said,

    December 3, 2006 at 0:36

    Jesus, DA, are you OK? Because I don’t think you can channel that much stupid and not have aftereffects.

  44. Handsome said,

    December 3, 2006 at 2:12

    Heh. That was an astonishing tour de force of conservative crappitude. By God, I felt more limp wristed with each succeeding line I read, and snotty about it, too.

    I did something pretty similar, not about EMPIRE, but about a similar piece of right wing wretchedness another big name bestselling SF author put out a while back. Check it out, if you like.

    C’mon. You know you liked my Day By Day parody…

  45. Kansas Anarchist said,

    December 3, 2006 at 20:06

    An excellent job… but in this case, fiction is stranger, than, uh, fiction. No super-soldier formula, but heavily-armed mechanical battle-snowglobes. No, seriously:

    Picture the mechanized snowglobes with an “I ♥ New York” motif moving with determination down Wall Street. This begs to be filmed–or at least Photoshopped. (Gavin!)

  46. Black Ops 2 Ps3 Aimbot said,

    June 8, 2013 at 16:23

    I know this website gives quality based content and extra material, is there any other site which provides these kinds of data in quality?

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