Trigger Warning: Child Rape Apologetics Ahead


Sometimes you just want to carve a fucker up.

Woody Allen, The Motherfucking New York Times ™:
Woody Allen Speaks Out*

I honestly don’t fully know how to process this last week.

There’s been some colossal bad. My girlfriend’s disability discriminating employment saga ended with the seeming happy note just being an excuse to try and obscure the obvious fact that they were discriminating against someone they had heralded as exactly what they needed and the most qualified person they’ve seen in a while because she was disabled, leaving her without job. I’ve been struggling with the emotional fallout and depression of everything I went through last year finally starting to smash home. And my partner and girlfriend both got to see what a day in my life often looks like in the form of sitting through possibly one of the most belittling and unsubtle restaurant dick moves I’ve dealt with in a while**.

And there’s been some massive rays of light. Chief among them being that my Obamacare has come through and paying off. I had my first check-up at a super trans* and queer aware clinic and it was better than I ever hoped to dream it would be*** and I’m going to get hooked up with a number of resources that I’ve probably been needing for awhile****. I also had two fantastic Valentine’s Day celebrations, one with my partner and another with my girlfriend.

So with all that happening at once, it’s been hard to sort out how to feel. Elated? Miserable? Both at the same time?

So fuck it, time to delve into the sweaty underbelly of humanity where I know exactly how I feel about certain people.

And by sweaty underbelly, I mean Hollywood.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

  • My ex-wife is an evil sorceress who has the power to create all the long-term effects and multiple angles of evidence one would expect if I was a child molester. Also apparently, she has used this power to convince her daughter I’m an asshole instead of using this magical power to rule the world.

Yup, it’s that time of the year again. The time when Hollywood disappears up its own butthole and hands out rounds of awards to safe movies that will be long forgotten in favor of the movies that actually managed to survive the test of time.

And apparently, in this upcoming round of self-fellatio, second-most-famous-child-molester-director Woody Allen is slated to receive a Lifetime Achievement Award.

Which, you know, isn’t wholly undeserved. I mean, at the end of the day, even though he’s a scum-sucking child rapist and abuser, he is still a talented director. And it’s really the inability of people to deal with dualities like that (talented artist and horrible person) is what leads to assholes coming to the defense of people like Polanski or Allen and trying to white-wash their crimes in order to keep enjoying the evocative works of art they make.

But at the same time, it’s worth noting that the only reason he has been out here still making his art is because society, despite its protestations, could care less about victims of sexual assault, including child victims of sexual assault.

And so it becomes a little sickening to see when others flock to his defense as if the fact that he knows where to point a camera was some stirring commentary on his soul. And it becomes downright disgusting to see a child molester given a soapbox as prominent as the New York Times (which is continuing to piss away whatever reputation it had left at a startling rate) to basically gaslight his victim and act like she isn’t even there or hasn’t finally broken years of silence to try and vent her feelings at seeing over 20 years of her abuser being heralded as a God.

Which…

An important bit of housekeeping.

I know the statistics on survivors of childhood sexual assault. I’ve been in spaces that have been made safe to share that sort of thing, and seen the outpouring from those who not only had stories to tell, but multiple stories. I know the number of those who have suffered through sexual assault and rape as minors is way more than anyone wants to acknowledge or admit.

As such, I know that some of you dear readers may be survivors of childhood sexual assault. And it is to specifically that subset that I say:

Take care of yourselves.

We’re going to be delving into a giant mess of some nasty ass victim-blaming and gaslighting here and there’s absolutely no shame in deciding to skip this whole article here and jump straight to the comment threads. Additionally you can take breaks whenever you want. Do whatever you need to to keep yourselves safe, because you are all wonderful people and you never deserved what happened to you.

*Safe physical gestures of comfort to be distributed as needed*

Okay, let’s jump into a fascinating glimpse into the mind of a child molester trying to defend his actions on the national stage.

Last Sunday, Nicholas Kristof wrote a column about Dylan Farrow, the adopted daughter of Woody Allen and Mia Farrow. Mr. Allen has written the following response to the column and Dylan’s account.

Okay, first off, an explanation of what the ever-living hell is going on.

The full account can be found either here in a 1992 article covering the rape or in the words of the survivor herself as she has recently related what happened to her.

The shorter of it all is that when Woody Allen was married to actress Mia Farrow and was in the process of grooming one of his barely legal children to be his next wife in a way that was not at all rapey, he also raped his seven-year old daughter he had been creepily obsessed with for years in the attic leaving her with lifelong scars.

When Dylan’s therapist learned she had been molested, she decided to report the incident to the cops in accordance with the law on such matters, which lead Woody Allen to decide to suddenly contest for custody so he could blame this “shocking” revelation on a standard narrative of “ex-wives be crazy”.

It didn’t work in the sense of gaining custody or at all convincing the judge. But it did meet his immediate needs of obfuscating the issue and getting the prosecutor to drop the case of child molestation owing to his concerns regarding putting Dylan on the stand (a common decision back then), as well his long term interest in giving other child molester denialists a perch by which to cling to in defending his name for the last 20 years.

But enough of that, as today is a new day and Woody Allen has had 20 more years to perfect his self-serving horseshit.

TWENTY-ONE years ago, when I first heard Mia Farrow had accused me of child molestation, I found the idea so ludicrous I didn’t give it a second thought.

I almost have to admire the brazenness of this bit of deliberate fuckwittery.

Mia Farrow was not the instigator of a single action regarding his molestation. Dylan Farrow mentioned what happened to her to a therapist. That therapist reported it to the cops. And once again today, Dylan Farrow was the one to break radio silence to talk about what happened to her on the day that left her with life-long scars.

But see, gaslighting a child to her face is not the sort of action that is often seen as laudatory in our society. As such, Woody Allen has perfected the art of just fully erasing her existence and making it all about some made-up existential battle between husband and wife.

Because, frankly, he knows that our society loves it a good “evil ex-wife story” something fierce and is willing to believe all manner of made-up self-serving bullshit in order to get a hate on for “that bitch that dun stole my kids”.

And it also sends a nice little “fuck you” to the actual victim in all this by subtly noting that she is not and never will be seen as important enough to deserve even the decency of a direct lie that acknowledges her existence.

And as a fellow writer, it’s kind of nausea-inducing to see the sort of rhetorical tricks you might use to misdirect an audience in a mystery novel be used to erase the humanity of a child one has abused… like seeing a beloved childhood pet who’s gone missing in the middle of a dog-fighting ring.

We were involved in a terribly acrimonious breakup, with great enmity between us and a custody battle slowly gathering energy.

Gosh, what a terrible tragedy.

Almost makes one forget that the divorce had already been in the works and that there was no battle for custody until Woody Allen himself decided to try and sue for custody in order to have an “acrimonious court battle” to be the ready-made martyr of.

Also, makes one forget that part of what made the “battle” acrimonious was that he had been spending months aggressively pursuing and grooming his and Mia’s adopted (and socially-disabled) daughter Soon-Yi to be his lover and working to isolate her from all forms of social support and financial independence and that had been discovered in the form of Mia finding nude and spread-eagle photos of her daughter taken by her husband.

Which, you know, would strike me as a pretty damn good reason for a breakup to be “acrimonious” on its own absent having your daughter’s therapist reporting to the cops that your husband just raped the seven-year-old kid you had him in therapy over owing to his creepy sexual predatory bullshit he’d pulled when she was even younger.

But then, that’s just me.

The self-serving transparency of her malevolence

Yes, yes, IT’S ALWAYS PROJECTION. Obviously. But more, I just love the spectre he is trying to weave into being here. Apparently Mia Farrow is a single-minded harridan, hell bent on only his destruction and infused with great powers as are only possible with the well of evil that is of being born a woman.

Fuck, if Mia Farrow was half as Satanic as Woody Allen tries to paint her as, I wouldn’t be penning op-eds to the NY Times, I’d be hiding in concrete bunkers in the hope that her voodoo magicks could be blunted by their thick walls.

seemed so obvious I didn’t even hire a lawyer to defend myself. It was my show business attorney who told me she was bringing the accusation to the police and I would need a criminal lawyer.

Seeing as how this is first attempt at a proof of innocence, I’m honestly gobsmacked at what he thinks he is trying to prove here.

That he’s a fucking idiot? That he assumed his wealth and power would be enough to shut that bitch up and keep things quiet like his early “mistakes” of jumping into her bed clad only in his underwear to “keep her warm”, taking her constantly into his bedroom to “play”, or, in the incident that first landed him in therapy for “inappropriateness”, applying suntan directly to her nude 4-year-old body and lingering on the crack of her ass in front of Mia’s mother and sister?

I mean, I’ve seen good people who’ve had legal action threatened against them for speaking out on behalf of those who are less powerful. They don’t just do without legal counsel because the charges are bullshit. In fact, they generally immediately seek out counsel of some kind because they know the charges are bullshit and they want to be sure they aren’t going to be fucked over by some simple legal fuckup on the way to proving that in court if they need to.

They don’t tend to go… nah, I’m good, it’s too silly to have any bearing on me… in the midst of this suddenly acrimonious divorce and my sudden interest in having custody of the child I raped. Nope, clearly, I have my ass covered.

Which makes one wonder if Woody has ever solved a problem without strong-arming the witnesses and flexing financial muscle.

I naïvely thought the accusation would be dismissed out of hand because of course, I hadn’t molested Dylan and any rational person would see the ploy for what it was.

Um… what ploy are we supposed to be seeing this as?

So let’s see here, Mia Farrow used her powerful brain-washing techniques to make Dylan report a consistent and corroborated testimony of what happened to her to a therapist even though fighting that battle would threaten the custody and alimony agreement she had almost finished clinching with Woody, because…

That would aid the ploy of… making Woody Allen look like a child molester? When he already was known as the creepy mother-fucker marrying one of his kids?

Of… arresting him? Because… reasons? I mean, yeah, I know the whole point is to go oooh, oogedy boogedy, ex-wives will tell all kinds of crazy shit to get custody of their kids to all the MRA-sympathizing shitheads out there, but it’d be nice if he could have at least thrown out a half-plausible “ploy” that is supposedly happening, seeing as how “obvious” it is supposed to be to sexists who want to feel smart “rational persons”.

Common sense would prevail.

Huh, that’s the funniest way to spell rape apologetics, I have ever seen.

After all, I was a 56-year-old man who had never before (or after) been accused of child molestation.

Um… that’s not… difficult.

I know you might not realize this, what with being a narcissistic child rapist and all, but most people manage to get through life without being accused of molesting a child. It’s not really a sign of innocence to say that you’ve only ever been “accused once” especially when you’re deliberately conflating legal proceedings with simply being thought of as a creepy pedophile, seeing as how you’ve spent your entire life dancing that line with more gusto than Michael Jackson.

And the fact that you think this is slam-dunk evidence just kinda makes it obvious that you are clinging to the letter of the law and its flawed implementation in the way a seasoned criminal would.

I had been going out with Mia for 12 years and never in that time did she ever suggest to me anything resembling misconduct.

Um… do we need to go down the list of misdeeds again? Oh, and add to that, creepy obsession and an inability to leave the kids alone. Cruelty to male children and a general indifference to most of his kids outside those he was sexually obsessed with and yeah, once more that whole marrying one of his kids thing… because… yeah. That was kinda gross rapey misconduct right there.

Also, is Mia an evil untrustworthy sorceress with a power-mad hunger for your destruction or a trustworthy source regarding your moral character? Because you really can’t have it both ways here.

Now, suddenly, when I had driven up to her house in Connecticut one afternoon to visit the kids for a few hours, when I would be on my raging adversary’s home turf, with half a dozen people present, when I was in the blissful early stages of a happy new relationship with the woman I’d go on to marry — that I would pick this moment in time to embark on a career as a child molester should seem to the most skeptical mind highly unlikely. The sheer illogic of such a crazy scenario seemed to me dispositive.

Wow, I don’t know which bit of fuckholeness to tackle first.

I mean, I could go with the obvious bait of noting that the “happy new relationship with the woman he’d go on to marry” was with his fucking daughter, which wouldn’t exactly be the shining badge of innocence he seems to think it is. There’s the fact that he somehow thinks that one has a “career” in child molesting. Or viewing the house of his children as “enemy territory” or that characterizing it that way would make it less likely to view himself as a hunter isolating his prey.

Or the fact that he mentions all those pesky witnesses when several people corroborated Dylan’s account of her rape in the attic and note there was a missing block of time when neither could be found where the rape took place.

But at the end of the day, I think I have to be boring and go once again with how marking an awareness of danger zones and uplaying the hostility of the space is somehow supposed to make us less suspicious of his guilt.

It’d be like a bank robber saying he must be innocent because did you see how many cameras that bank vault had?

Notwithstanding, Mia insisted that I had abused Dylan and took her immediately to a doctor to be examined.

Oh yay, we’re entering the portion of the denialism that I like to call bullshit theatre. Shall we see how bald-faced we can get by the end?

Dylan told the doctor she had not been molested.

Yeah, child therapists love reporting fictional molestations to cops, what with all the bullshit that rains down on their underaged clientele thanks to the rape culture.

Mia then took Dylan out for ice cream, and when she came back with her the child had changed her story.

Uh huh, sure. That happened. Pfft, why not?

The police began their investigation; a possible indictment hung in the balance.

Stop writing your fucking life like it was a stupid fucking screenplay, you fucking fuck!

I mean, fuck, I’m a writer, so I know getting into the habit of crafting fiction, but man, nothing spells out just how much of a pile of bullshit all this is than taking a break from the fiction to literally drop in narration instructions.

I very willingly took a lie-detector test and of course passed because I had nothing to hide. I asked Mia to take one and she wouldn’t. Last week a woman named Stacey Nelkin, whom I had dated many years ago, came forward to the press to tell them that when Mia and I first had our custody battle 21 years ago, Mia had wanted her to testify that she had been underage when I was dating her, despite the fact this was untrue. Stacey refused. I include this anecdote so we all know what kind of character we are dealing with here. One can imagine in learning this why she wouldn’t take a lie-detector test.

Unggh…

Okay, some backstory on this. So, during the whole kerfuffle, the cops wanted Woody Allen to take a polygraph test and he refused and then shopped around for his own firm’s lie-detector test viewed only by his lawyers and shock of shocks, he totally passed. And then he told Mia to take it with the same group and not being a fucking moron she refused allowing him to sell this lie for the last 20 years.

And ugh, so many deconstructions of all this bullshit focus on this back and forth, but honestly, fuck polygraphs. They are pieces of shit that tell nothing other than how nervous authority figures shouting in your face make you. Which is why they are abandoned in every real trial in this country and why they are consistently the last refuge of scoundrels and cold-hearted bastards who think a passing test will confuse the general public and a jury box.

And I’d go into the whole second half, but fuck it. Shorter is that he dated an underage chick and Mia tried to call her to the stand to establish his habit of pulling this and to note that he might have done the same dancing around birthdays stunt with his daughter Soon-Yi, but she refused to testify because hey, a million reasons. Apparently this commonality of trials is supposed to be extraordinary proof on his behalf though, because… reasons.

Meanwhile the Connecticut police turned for help to a special investigative unit they relied on in such cases, the Child Sexual Abuse Clinic of the Yale-New Haven Hospital. This group of impartial, experienced men and women whom the district attorney looked to for guidance as to whether to prosecute, spent months doing a meticulous investigation, interviewing everyone concerned, and checking every piece of evidence. Finally they wrote their conclusion which I quote here: “It is our expert opinion that Dylan was not sexually abused by Mr. Allen. Further, we believe that Dylan’s statements on videotape and her statements to us during our evaluation do not refer to actual events that occurred to her on August 4th, 1992… In developing our opinion we considered three hypotheses to explain Dylan’s statements. First, that Dylan’s statements were true and that Mr. Allen had sexually abused her; second, that Dylan’s statements were not true but were made up by an emotionally vulnerable child who was caught up in a disturbed family and who was responding to the stresses in the family; and third, that Dylan was coached or influenced by her mother, Ms. Farrow. While we can conclude that Dylan was not sexually abused, we can not be definite about whether the second formulation by itself or the third formulation by itself is true. We believe that it is more likely that a combination of these two formulations best explains Dylan’s allegations of sexual abuse.”

Ah, here’s a grand daddy bullshit to top the heaping mound of dino shit that has gone before.

Basically the backstory on this is that Woody Allen went shopping for a Clinic to basically dimiss Dylan and her reality. The whole rigmarole was condemned as a giant failure of ethics and the resulting “proof” he is citing couldn’t even provide their supposed documents in proof because they had “destroyed” them before the court date.

So basically this whole section could be better summed up as: “The guys I paid to agree with me, agreed with me.”

Could it be any clearer?

No, Mr. Allen, it could not.

Mr. Allen did not abuse Dylan;

Why are you referring to yourself in third person?

Did I… did I miss a quotation mark somewhere? No. Nor do their seem to be an attributions of these remarks of these comments being from anyone else.

Are you being possessed by a ghost Mr. Allen? Did that ghost rape your daughter? And if so, are you currently on the run looking for the one armed ghost?

most likely a vulnerable, stressed-out 7-year-old was coached by Mia Farrow. This conclusion disappointed a number of people.

Which is why she is still maintaining the same story years later, despite constant outward abuse from my fans who are all to eager to dismiss her experiences. Why she has a consistent recollection of her events to other adult survivors of child rape. And why she is bothering to keep noting her events, when a “coaching” while “stressed out” wouldn’t at all be the sort of thing that would sustain itself over decades.

But hey, whatever allows you to dismiss the personhood of your victim to pull the same “I’m a victim of evil parents” shtick every penny-ante child molester in the Church tries to pull ever since the Satanic Panic of the 80s.

The district attorney was champing at the bit to prosecute a celebrity case,

Which is why he decided to deliberately not pursue the case not out of worry about evidence but concerns about the safety of Dylan going through the bullshit circus rape victims in trials go through (and which is one more reason all our claims about caring as a society about child molestation are all so much hot air).

Because that’s what renegade hotshot attorneys who don’t care about anything other than making a big name for themselves do. Abandon strong cases out of worry for the mental health of their witnesses*****.

and Justice Elliott Wilk, the custody judge, wrote a very irresponsible opinion saying when it came to the molestation, “we will probably never know what occurred.”

Heh heh ha ha ha BWAHAHAHA! Yeah, no.

But we did know because it had been determined and there was no equivocation about the fact that no abuse had taken place. Justice Wilk was quite rough on me and never approved of my relationship with Soon-Yi, Mia’s adopted daughter, who was then in her early 20s.

Yeah, rough would be a word. Yeah, he made no bones about you being a creepy ass predatory mother fucker whose blatant attempt to hijack the system as essentially a propaganda vehicle for your smear campaign against your wife****** disgusted him to his very core. But yeah, he was totally on your side. Mmm hmm, fuck, he can’t even keep his story straight from one paragraph to the next. And yet he has millions of people willing to defend the indefensible because he made a couple of good movies?

Fuck, I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

He thought of me as an older man exploiting a much younger woman,

… You think that is the problem people have with you dating your daughter? That you are older than she is? How fucking conceited are you?

which outraged Mia as improper despite the fact she had dated a much older Frank Sinatra when she was 19.

Because you were grooming your and her daughter!

It wasn’t like you were some philandering asshole in a mid-life crisis who decided to bang your 20 year your junior secretary. You were exploiting a power exchange and an existing familial relationship to essentially rape your daughter and train her to be your bride the second she became “legal”.

And the fact that you can’t see a difference between “my child” and “younger lover” is kind of the big giant waving red flag tangled in the victorious bull’s horns here.

Also, are you really sure you want to go the “other old guys perved on Mia” route when your own relationship with her began when you were WAY older than her? Which seeing as how that’s been the dominant theme of a fuckton of his other relationships, one might be forgiven for seeing something of a giant blinking neon light of a pattern.

In fairness to Justice Wilk, the public felt the same dismay over Soon-Yi and myself,

Because you were marrying your fucking kid, you creepy ass pedophile.

but despite what it looked like our feelings were authentic and we’ve been happily married for 16 years with two great kids, both adopted.

Um… given your proven record of treating your adopted kids as perfect strangers it is appropriate to “woo” and date, I’m not sure what this tangent is supposed to prove other than we should probably have Child Protective Services making regular house calls to those poor kids.

(Incidentally, coming on the heels of the media circus and false accusations, Soon-Yi and I were extra carefully scrutinized by both the adoption agency and adoption courts, and everyone blessed our adoptions.)

Well, yeah, you are rich and famous. They’d let you adopt if you had a habit of wearing children as hats or eating them alive. Rich and famous people have always figured out the best tricks for getting around restrictions on adoption.

Also, I guess, the point of this tangent is to sell the notion of a chaste union, given the lack of biological offspring or something, which if he’s expecting us to think he isn’t doing shit to her (whether “consensual” or nonconsensual), then he must think we’re big enough marks to qualify as Republican voters.

Mia took custody of the children and we went our separate ways.

Because you lost your custody appeal that you didn’t care about beyond it being a means to discredit the report that Dylan Farrow made about what you did to her.

But seeing as how this is the only single sentence in its own paragraph, I’m guessing you’re including this as a dog-whistle for all the MRA-dead-enders who will sympathize for you as just another “poor victim of the family courts” who “had his kids ripped away from him” just because he was a creepy rapist fuck who never loved them outside their utility as masturbation sleeves.

And to that sentiment, let me just say, fanden du.

I was heartbroken. Moses was angry with me. Ronan I didn’t know well because Mia would never let me get close to him from the moment he was born and Dylan, whom I adored and was very close to

Gosh, I wonder why she was hesitant about letting you near the child you got away with raping. It’s a fucking mystery. Must be her evvvvviiilllll withcraft again.

and about whom Mia called my sister in a rage and said, “He took my daughter, now I’ll take his.”

Oh hey, more reports from the Shit That Never Happened Press!

I never saw her again nor was I able to speak with her no matter how hard I tried. I still loved her deeply, and felt guilty that by falling in love with Soon-Yi I had put her in the position of being used as a pawn for revenge. Soon-Yi and I made countless attempts to see Dylan but Mia blocked them all, spitefully knowing how much we both loved her but totally indifferent to the pain and damage she was causing the little girl merely to appease her own vindictiveness.

Okay, I’m going to take this from two completely different universes and analyze this.

First, let’s say Woody was right. It’s magical fairy women be crazy land and an evil nasty witch brewed up a magical potion that made Dylan have a nasty dream of Woody being turned into a giant ogre and raping her under the mushroom forest.

Why the fuck, knowing that she thinks you fucking raped her, would you be constantly bombarding her with your feelings against her will? I mean, she thinks you did something horrible to her because of commie brainwashing Obamacare. More you in her life isn’t going to fix that or convince her you are not the type of creepy motherfucker who not only violates boundaries without even thinking about it, but who doesn’t care about her feelings and only worries about himself and his own needs.

And second, back down on the mundane Earth… I need a fucking shower. I mean, for fuck’s sake, he rapes her, pushes forward an all-out assault to steal her from her mother and lock her in her rapist’s house all so he can bully the courts out of doing anything about it, gets away with it, and then at the very end of all that bombards the poor kid 24/7 with his selfish ass horseshit and still tries to worm his way into her life?

I mean, this is rapist shit, right here. If there was some brain-dead toad who was “holding out doubt” that Woody Allen could be innocent, this should be the point of this bullshit that the last straw breaks. Cause this shows a casual disregard for boundaries and an inability to view his victim as wholly human that often characterizes a rapist.

Also, not at all creepy and a sign of abuse that he’s taken it upon himself to speak for his supposed “loving wife” in all things. And it’s not at all a red flag for her that he was trying for years to seize away his other target of obsession (who he totally didn’t rape) in the same way he seized her.

Fuck, if this guy was anymore sleazy, he’d be Pope.

I pause here for a quick word on the Ronan situation. Is he my son or, as Mia suggests, Frank Sinatra’s? Granted, he looks a lot like Frank with the blue eyes and facial features, but if so what does this say? That all during the custody hearing Mia lied under oath and falsely represented Ronan as our son? Even if he is not Frank’s, the possibility she raises that he could be, indicates she was secretly intimate with him during our years. Not to mention all the money I paid for child support. Was I supporting Frank’s son? Again, I want to call attention to the integrity and honesty of a person who conducts her life like that.

FUCK. YOU.

Really? You’re really going to play this whole “hey, I’m not saying, but wouldn’t it be interesting if, I mean, maybe she’s a whore who slept around and tried to make me pay for it, I mean I heard about this sort of thing in the MRA circle and clearly that’s a thing that happens, and besides she’s a whore” passive-aggressive bullshit to try and get yourself off the hook?!? And more importantly, to try and punish your ex-wife for the grievous crime of standing by her daughters when you abused the trust and care you had as their fathers?

At long last, do you have no sense of decency?

Fuck, and let’s not even go into the whole bullshit of how it would not even remotely be equivalent if she had fucked an old boyfriend on the side to what he did. Nor the way that money is viewed as more important than people. Nor the way that adopted and non-biological children are viewed as less than or not even fully human. Nor the fact that he’s trying to smear her integrity for a completely fictional “cheating” when he was dating his and her daughter for six fucking months while they were together. Nor even the bullshit “oh even if this bullshit turns out to be the horseshit it is, the fact that I can speculate on it proves its true” crap that right-wingers turn to support their conspiracy theories. Nor the whining about child support. Nor even the fact that he’s only including this here because it was noted that he tended to treat the children he didn’t want to fuck like utter shit while ladling attention on those he was grooming to be his “daddy’s little secrets”. And he thinks this half-baked conspiracy theory will make him look less like the cookie-cutter child rapist he is.

And there are not enough fucks in the wide world of sexual kinksters to add up to the FUCK YOU I have welling up inside me right now.

NOW it’s 21 years later and Dylan has come forward with the accusations that the Yale experts investigated and found false. Plus a few little added creative flourishes that seem to have magically appeared during our 21-year estrangement.

Fuck man, the Shit I Just Made Up Press is fucking blowing the roof of the place with these editions. They need to slow down on the printing before they start a fire.

Not that I doubt Dylan hasn’t come to believe she’s been molested,

No, you just choose to ignore her remarks or any substance of her experiences to instead exploit societal sexism and smear her mother in the hope that this distraction will send the little trolls of the internet to do your dirty work of shutting up bitches for you.

And because you know that there is little worse for a recovering survivor of sexual assault than having your narrative ignored, rewritten, and treated as unimportant garbage and you’re hoping this will get her back for failing to keep your “little secret” in the attic.

And I’m not going to say this won’t leave its mark on her, but at least she seems to be bolstered by the outpouring of support from other survivors of child sexual assault. Which is good. Because this shit needs to change in the worst way.

but if from the age of 7 a vulnerable child is taught by a strong mother to hate her father because he is a monster who abused her, is it so inconceivable that after many years of this indoctrination the image of me Mia wanted to establish had taken root?

So, let me get this straight… Mia has apparently been spending the last 20 years just tying her to the chair from Clockwork Orange and constantly brainwashing her to believe she was raped as a kid and to carry the consistent scars and haunting memories of such actions… in order to… what exactly?

20 years later, post an open letter that she hoped would be picked up by a blog kind of connected to the New York Times that would vaguely remind people that the creepy pedophile who married his daughter and openly comments about his attraction to child-like people might have been a molester? And which would in no way levy any form of legal penalty, financial cost, or in any way hamper his career?

Why?

Why would someone with such amazing magical powers as to convince someone for 20 years they had been molested and to exhibit all outward and inward signs of such so that they would be indistinguishable from every other child rape survivor waste their prestigious powers on such a useless action?

I mean, why not use it to amass immense personal power or to take over the world?

Or if you are a mono-maniacally focused harridan with an unnatural hatred for a man because he abused his position as father to groom and kidnap your daughter (I mean, what a ho, caring about a little thing like that), why not, just destroy him?

I mean, there’s about a billion other brainwashing things you could do that society actually cares about. Or if implanting rape memories is your only skill, why not, just move on? I mean, one incident with one daughter isn’t going to do anything new, so why not go national with this shit, have like a giant army of girls convinced he raped him. Have some of them be the daughters of his close friends and strongest supporters in order to undermine his support and make him feel like he’s losing his mind?

Why waste it on something that would be wholly consistent if he had just raped Dylan?

I mean, if we’re entertaining fantasy and all, you could at least make this bullshit internally consistent.

Is it any wonder the experts at Yale had picked up the maternal coaching aspect 21 years ago? Even the venue where the fabricated molestation was supposed to have taken place was poorly chosen but interesting. Mia chose the attic of her country house, a place she should have realized I’d never go to because it is a tiny, cramped, enclosed spot where one can hardly stand up and I’m a major claustrophobe. The one or two times she asked me to come in there to look at something, I did, but quickly had to run out.

It’s worth noting that this has been part of an ever-evolving network of excuses he’s had about why he totally wouldn’t have raped Dylan Farrow in the attic.

Oh, no, I’d never go up there. I hate it. We found your hair. Okay, I went once or twice, but not on that day and besides I can’t stand it. We found evidence you were there that day. Oh, I just ducked my head in there… in the place I supposedly hated for reasons and STOP JUDGING ME!

But hey, this is looking bad for Woody, so it’s probably time to call Mia a whore again.

Undoubtedly the attic idea came to her from the Dory Previn song, “With My Daddy in the Attic.” It was on the same record as the song Dory Previn had written about Mia’s betraying their friendship by insidiously stealing her husband, André, “Beware of Young Girls.”

Mia is a sorceress because she’s a man stealing ho!

Because that’s how you man-logic!

One must ask, did Dylan even write the letter or was it at least guided by her mother?

Oh hey, what’s this summoning itself from my hand like the fucking Leviathan? Oh, it’s the world’s biggest middle finger and it’s all for you. Just… take your time… I’m not going anywhere for awhile.

Fuck… I don’t even want to get into the layers of sleaze on this one. So I’ll just note that there are a number of people who have noted that Soon-Yi’s letters “consenting” to Woody’s relationship with her are pretty much written in Woody’s style and betray Woody’s obsession with various martyrdom fantasies. And that they also show a vocabulary and comfort with the English language that Soon-Yi never had owing to a severe social and developmental disability owing to her literally raising herself on the streets for a number of years.

So not only is this steaming pile of horseshit the mother of all dismissals of the very humanity and personhood of Dylan Farrow in a transparent attempt to erase her and exploit societal sexism and hatred of “ex-wives” as a concept, but it may very well be a giant fucking IT’S ALWAYS PROJECTION about the way that Woody handles his affairs with his captured victim… I mean wife.

Does the letter really benefit Dylan or does it simply advance her mother’s shabby agenda?

WHAT FUCKING AGENDA?!? I mean, for fuck’s sake Woody, you’ve circled and circled, called your ex-wife a witch and a whore, but you’ve never once stated what you think your ex-wife is getting from all this. WHAT THE FUCK IS HER FUCKING AGENDA?

That is to hurt me with a smear.

Oh, I’m sorry, let me just tune up my little orchestra of tiny instruments because this tiny violin I prepared just ain’t going to cut it by itself.

Fuck, grow the fuck up you wannabe martyr abusive rapist BABY! Oh, noes, she wants to hurt you by saying mean things, through a random proxy when it would have been simplicity itself to just say it to the press herself. And she went through years of brainwashing and magical sorceress training just to do it? Because you are apparently such a narcissistic fuck that you are hurt by the mildest of pushback for your heinous actions.

Fucking grow up and own your shit and be grateful you live in a world where crimes like rape are viewed as so unimportant that assholes like you can get away with violently raping their own 7-year-old children without anyone outside a bunch of internet denizens giving a fuck.

You got away with multiple accounts of rape and majorly unethical behavior. Just be happy with that instead of pissing and moaning about the fact that your victims get to talk about the damage you did.

There is even a lame attempt to do professional damage by trying to involve movie stars, which smells a lot more like Mia than Dylan.

Oh hey, an actual acknowledgement of something that was in the original article by Dylan. Well, it was about time, seeing as how this feces of a “response” was supposedly about disproving those claims.

Shame, it’s such a giant failure of reader comprehension that if it was in good faith, we’d immediately yank all producer, director, and script-writing duties from him.

But I guess it shows where he places weight. Dylan called out those who have clambered to his defense owing to his career and ignoring what he had done to her. And it’s telling that even in his base of power (Hollywood) where he can kill a career in an instant, he still fears even the slightest dissent.

And it reveals what he is. A petty tyrant in constant fear for his throne, toppled by the weight of his crimes.

After all, if speaking out was really a necessity for Dylan, she had already spoken out months earlier in Vanity Fair.

Know your place, uppity bitch, know your place.

Here I quote Moses Farrow again: “Knowing that my mother often used us as pawns, I cannot trust anything that is said or written from anyone in the family.” Finally, does Mia herself really even believe I molested her daughter? Common sense must ask: Would a mother who thought her 7-year-old daughter was sexually abused by a molester (a pretty horrific crime), give consent for a film clip of her to be used to honor the molester at the Golden Globes?

Really? That’s your argument? That she fulfills contractual obligations by video rather than be forced to smile at the vile betrayer who preyed on her children in person?

There’s weak sauce and then there’s shit that makes mayonnaise seem like ghost pepper hot sauce.

Of course, I did not molest Dylan. I loved her and hope one day she will grasp how she has been cheated out of having a loving father and exploited by a mother more interested in her own festering anger than her daughter’s well-being. Being taught to hate your father and made to believe he molested you has already taken a psychological toll on this lovely young woman, and Soon-Yi and I are both hoping that one day she will understand who has really made her a victim and reconnect with us, as Moses has, in a loving, productive way.

You know… I bet he really thinks this sounds loving and sweet and not at all like “mmm, my greatest regret is only plugging you once”, but it doesn’t.

It really, really, really, really doesn’t.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to be feeling a chill in my spine for the next decade at least from that one.

No one wants to discourage abuse victims from speaking out,

Sure, there are. I mean, besides the obvious of child rapists, there are all those who profit from a system in which rape victims and those seen as likely to be rape victims are seen as inherently less trustworthy and where the threat of sexual violence can be used to keep populations of children, women, and those seen as feminine or lesser in line.

And… I just can’t help notice, but that looks like a comma right there and fuck… just, ugh, show me your but.

but one must bear in mind that sometimes there are people who are falsely accused and that is also a terribly destructive thing.

Hey, MRAs of the world?

You are literally more likely to be killed in a terrorist attack than be falsely accused of rape.

It happens, once in a rare moon, but it is so unbelievably uncommon compared to actual incidents of rape and so in line with false accusations of literally any other crime on the planet that bitching about it as if it were some thing might as well be a blinking red flag saying “the person worrying about this is worrying about being caught for his actual rapes or else is so invested in the rape culture that he wants to be sure he’ll get away with a potential future rape if he decides to go that way”.

Either way, this might as well be a neon fucking sign saying “buy a copy of OJ’s book ‘If I Did It'” permanently cemented on your head.

(This piece will be my final word on this entire matter and no one will be responding on my behalf to any further comments on it by any party.

Yeah, I’d be tired if I had to regurgitate that much bullshit in that short a period. You should hydrate, get your electrolytes up and get some rest.

Right after you kill yourself, you unrepentant and self-obsessed child molester.

Enough people have been hurt.)

I’ve finally got the tiny orchestra tuned and… well fuck… I guess, I better start work on tuning a full touring company of tiny instruments.

Ugh… we often dive into the monstrous here on Sadly, No! We’ve covered those who’ve argued in favor of genocide. Those who’ve rewritten the suffering of those who died in order to serve short-sighted agendas. Those who’ve sold out their people in hope for a spot of coin in return for mediocrity. Those who’ve cheered the murder of children out of racial hatred.

But I’ve never before needed more of a shower after slogging through the mango sludge of a post.

And I don’t think there’s anything worse I can say than that. Woody Allen managed the impossible. Making right-wingers look classy in comparisons.


‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. Woody Allen is a reprehensible piece of shit. That is all. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™


*Okay, I need to vent a giant pet peeve right here. “Woody Allen Speaks Out”? Really?!? Oh, was the big famous director about to receive the biggest award of his field and who has hordes of high-powered celebrities to come to his aid being silenced by the fact that his rape victim has noted his crimes in public to little actual legal effect? How horrible! And it’s even less forgiving when you note that the Dylan Farrow letter he’s responding to was not actually put in the New York Times unlike his work and was merely labeled “An Open Letter from Dylan Farrow” despite it literally being the first time in 20 years that she’s talked about what happened to her and the effect its had on her life. Which, on that note, if you haven’t read her letter, you should. Along with these excellent analyses of the whole affair.

**I was stupidly trying to make myself feel better by dressing up super out and going out with my lovers to eat at a restaurant my girlfriend wanted to go to to cheer herself up from the bullshit she went through on the job shit. And it turned into an evening of weathering death stares from the waiter, having to wait an hour before they even served drinks, and noticing that a lot of people who got there later got served earlier because the business was passively-aggressively hoping we… or rather I would leave and stop being a big trans* pride flag in the middle of their restaurant. It’s not the first time I’ve dealt with shit like that, but it’s the first time that either of them have been there to see it first hand. Really embarrassing and definitely why I should be careful not to do that kind of shit unless I’m somewhere safe or just by myself.

***Fuck it, I have no shame. I blubbed like a baby afterwards. It is utterly shocking to see just how much effect something as simple as something official treating you like a real human being can have on one’s everything. I mean, lovers and friends are great for support, but it’s a whole nother thing to have the system not be arranged to fuck you over for once and for things to just be easy… in the way they would be if you had turned out to be the cis boy everyone thought you’d be… I’m not entirely sure how to describe the sensation other than… foreign.

****Like a shrink. I’ve made no secret of my struggles with depression, especially in this last year and I guarantee it has leaked out into my writing. So it’ll be nice to actually get some help in that regard, both therapeutic and pharmacological (yup, I’m on the happy pills now. I apologize if this results in a loss of venom down the road).

*****It’s worth noting that this was a very common view back in the day owing to a realization of the very real hatred and disbelief a rape victim withstands on the witness stand. Unfortunately, it ignores the pain that being so close to taking your rapist down and letting him go can play on a person. And the way that guilt can haunt years and decades later. Also it ignores the way that having the choice on the matter erases one’s consent and autonomy in a secondary act of bullshit that can echo across the violation of autonomy that is rape. And as we see here, it adds the extra indignity of having your rapist point to “going through the system” as a badge of innocence even though the system knew he was guilty but chickened out of going through the rigmarole due to the wealth and power of the accused. And yeah, no prizes for guessing that this sends a message to all powerful and rich assholes that they can do whatever they want to women, kids, and those deemed more feminine by society and get away with it.

******Which unfortunately is a common tactic used by rapists. I remember with my partner’s rapist, when he realized what he had done afterwards and the possibility that my partner might actually do something about what happened to her, either by informing those in his friend circle or the authorities, how he exploited social convention to convince her to sleep on the decision while he spent the whole rest of the night smearing her name all around their shared friend pool. All so he could establish that she was a “lying bitch” before she could even note the reality of what had happened to her. And the sick thing is its rather effective in silencing victims because few people are going to be willing to have their name publicly run through the mud and all the nasty connotations that can have just on the off-chance that they might, if they are lucky, take their rapists off the streets for a handful of years at best.

 

Comments: 231

 
 
 

Thirsty Firsties

 
 

second-most-famous-child-molester-director Woody Allen

Wait–who’s first most famous? Roman Polanski, or is there one I’m not remembering or never knew of?

 
 

I read the whole post, though, tsam.

Hee hee. Sucker.

 
 

Yup, Polanski. Still love Rosemary’s Baby and a number of his other movies, but also still think he’s reprehensible personally.

 
 

No one wants to discourage abuse victims from speaking out,

FAIL

People who do want to discourage abuse victims from speaking out:

1–Police
2–District Attorneys too chickenshit to prosecute without videotape or an actual confession
3–Abusers
4–Enablers of abusers
5–Potential/future abusers
6–The mentally ill that don’t see why having sex with a 16 year old (referring to Allen’s adopted daughter) is such a big fuckin’ deal.
7–Chauvinists
8–The Catholic Church
9–All the other churches
10–YOUR MOM. (Strictly DKW bait. I’m sure your mom is cool)

So yeah, no, not having it. A whole consortium of “just deal with it and move on, no need to ruin a bunch of lives over it” people out there do everything they can to silence victims or blame victims or try to convince victims that what happened to them really didn’t happen.

 
 

Yup, Polanski. Still love Rosemary’s Baby and a number of his other movies, but also still think he’s reprehensible personally.

I think so too. I have discovered a number of other reprehensible people because of him too–his fucking apologist/defender/taint lickers.

 
 

/shakes fist in northeasterly direction

Unless you’re standing in the Pacific Ocean, face Northwest, k?

 
 

I’m not sure I want to go into this.

One one side, we have a socially-awkward but highly successful artist. Not the most sympathetic guy. He’s made – and still makes – some seriously dubious actions and statements.

On the other side, we have someone who is bringing up a case they already won as a reason to hammer this man twenty, thirty years later.

They’re both really, really dirty, and I don’t want to touch ’em. They need therapy, not public adulation.

 
 

They’re both really, really dirty, and I don’t want to touch ‘em. They need therapy, not public adulation.

Adulation, no. Sympathy and support (for the victim), yes. I get what you’re saying, that’s why I stick to bashing on Woody Allen. Despite being an easy target, he’s very deserving of ridicule and hate.

 
 

Something about women’s hockey.

 
 

Crissa-

Mia Farrow didn’t bring up shit. It was Dylan Farrow, the daughter he raped, who spoke out and it’s been the first time she’s spoken out about this in public instead of with therapists, family, or courts.

Just noting that fact.

 
 

Something about women’s hockey.

Congrats LeafsSuck. Sometimes nice gals do finish first, don’t they? Yes they do.

 
 

On another website I frequent, a right-wing troll made a big deal about “liberals” being apologists for Woody Allen, though it was obvious he was being excoriated in the comments section. It’s amazing how they’d rather engage with the strawmen they’ve erected in their heads, rather than doing that hard “reading comprehension” stunt.

Maybe he was a fake conservative, merely acting as a troll… a Woody Allen Poe, if you will.

 
 

Dylan’s open letter is horrifying, I hope everyone who had anything to do with this award reads it.

 
 

I hope everyone who had anything to do with this award reads it.

I’ll bet most of them have–and worry more about Allen’s crappy library of films than a child he most likely raped.

 
 

Hedzup looney libs:

Ted Nugent proclaimed that if Obama were reelected, he would be dead or in jail the following year.

I expect him to keep his word and get dead or get in jail. He claims to be a truthful man, so let’s have him put his money where his pukehole is.

 
 

a Woody Allen Poe, if you will.

Oh, you!

 
 

I like (some of) his movies but if he did it he’s a truly sick individual.

 
 

since his creepy rapey ways with his daughters came to light, i have not been able to nor had the desire to watch another woody allen movie…

although i don’t know her, i’m very proud of dylan farrow…people who have not been abused cannot even begin to understand how having a person you trust do something to you that for years fucks up your life: fear, powerlessness, shame, self-loathing, isolation…

 
 

My daughter was just nominated for one of these

cool beans! which category?

 
 

Another Whitemanistani.

 
 

Another Whitemanistani.

skin trophy?!?!

 
 

Another Whitemanistani.

Sure glad racism is over.

 
 

cool beans! which category?

Don’t know. She doesn’t know. Just just texted me a picture of the invitation and envelope with a giant sticker saying “YOU’RE A NOMINEE!!”

 
 

If a family member tried to give me a skin trophy, I’d take a skin trophy from him.

 
 

If a family member tried to give me a skin trophy, I’d take a skin trophy from him.

You’re not Jewish, I take it.

 
 

(yup, I’m on the happy pills now. I apologize if this results in a loss of venom down the road)

I think we’d consider it a small price to pay for your well-being.

 
 

Headline: Canada women snatch gold from USA with big rally

Disgusting.

 
 

Wat?

 
 

Forget it, Jake, it’s the Chicago Little Rock way.

 
 

OT, but anybody here watch True Detective? I heard on the radi-adi-o that the show references Robert Chambers’ “King in Yellow” stories, which are personal favorites of the Bastard.

 
 

OT, but anybody here watch True Detective?

Yes, and Harrelson and McConahehgeghsy are FUCKING FANTASTIC in it. Also Michelle Monaghan, GAWD she’s friggin hot.

 
 

DA: Thanks for the canine brain link!

 
 

Woody Allen films bore me. Provinicial. Self-absorbed. Pretentious. In other words, sorta like NYC–the Center-O-the-Universe(*), doncha know?–the setting of the vast majority of his films.

((( Sidebar for newer Sadlies: Fenwick has a deep-seated, life-long animus against NYC, although he has never been there and will never go there. (LA is a far-distant second on the list of places he loathes. Again, never been there; never going there.) Of course, I always make individual exceptions for a handful of wonderful people, such as the Big Bald Nice Person. )))

I enjoyed some of Allen’s earlier comedic films. I also enjoyed his stand-up act. (Yes. Fenwick is SO OLD, he remembers Woody Allen as a guest comedian on Ed Sullivan, back in the black-and-white days of telebishun.) Allen’s early work was clever and funny, peppered of wry literary references and sly sight-gags.
But I lost interest as he morphed into Auteur Woody (*) and became increasingly narcissitic and self-absorbed. I pretty much gave up on him after the elitist grad-student philosophy jokes in Annie Hall. (Since then, I’ve only seen Bullets Over Broadway.) Woody Allen’s obession with his neuroses just don’t interest me any more, no matter how he packages them.

(*) Shit, NYC pretends to be the Kulture Kapitol O Everywhere… and yet there’s not a single da Vinci in NYC’s oh-too-fabulous-for-words museums. Fuck NYC’s attitude with a rusty harpoon. (“But how do you really feel about it, Fenwick?”)

(**) Yes, I may try a Battle-O-the-Bands later….

 
 

Also I hate-hate-hate the NY Yankmees. I don’t mind the Mets

 
 

I has kilt yet another thread. And it was so young, so young, not even its prime.

 
 

Shit, NYC pretends to be the Kulture Kapitol O Everywhere… and yet there’s not a single da Vinci in NYC’s oh-too-fabulous-for-words museums.

Now now, we did have the Codex Leicester for a while, accompanied by large reproductions of some of the illustrations, with actual working examples of the phenomena illustrated therein.

Fuck NYC’s attitude with a rusty harpoon.

The weird thing about NYC is that this attitude is not apparent while you’re here. The city is too damn big to embody a single attitude. You’ll wander the sidewalks and there will be indifferent people, friendly people, crazy people, people from all over the planet, each of them bringing their own attitude. The “NYC attitude” that is portrayed in the media is a creation of the media.

 
 

When I visited NYC I found it to be kind of like an even more pretentious Portland. You know, full of ur-hipsters leading the cutting edge of every ridiculous fashion you could think of. Just like Portland, and every major city, there are great people there, but they’re surrounded by utter assholes.

 
 

Also, too: get off my lawn.

 
 

Oregon City Snob?

Just like Portland, and every major city, there are great people there, but they’re surrounded by utter assholes.

Not just major cities. Every town, village, and rural postal route is good folks surrounded by assholes. Curse of the species, I guess.

 
 

I liked NYC much more than I thought I would.

 
 

Also, too, too: also: Allen has been in daily “therapy” for decades. That is not the sign of a healthy mind, especially if you think about the “as long as you talk about it you’re OK” school of therapy.

 
 

Every town, village, and rural postal route is good folks surrounded by assholes.

The problem with towns, villages and rural postal routes is there’s no getting away from the assholes. Somebody’s always sticking their nose in your business.

 
 

Oregon City Snob . For the record, Oregon City is kind of a shithole.

 
 

I have met more than one Texan and more than one New Yorker (self-described) who is vocally chauvinist about those places.

I lived in Los Angeles for a long time, and SoCal for even longer, without EVER hearing this sort of hot air from Los Angelenos or Californians. (Nor have I heard it from Cali expatriates while in Arizona, or Wisconsin.)

I get the idea that L.A. is just as cosmopolitan as N.Y., but I think the hardcore Los Angelenos (natives and long-timers raised elsewhere) are disinclined to strut around bellowing like Texans. I’m not saying they’re better people. They have as many chips on their shoulders as anyone, but none of those chips say “Los Angeles” or “California.”

The Closest I’ll get to Cali jingoism (I was born in Palm Springs, extremely itinerant, but I’m a culturally western U.S. or Cali-type-person) is to say that we don’t need to brag about how awesome, or how challenging-n-exclusive, our place is. Everyone knows a limited reality, or a glittering generalization, or a world-class myth, about Cali and/or L.A. or Hollywood. You don’t need to hear it from me … that’d be stupid, the work has been done better already.

 
 

An important element: I assume y’all can move to Los Angeles. You’re not running a gauntlet by doing so. There’s no “if you can make it [t]here, you can make it anywhere” vibe from the people or its expatriates.

There’s competition in L.A. but if you succeeded somewhere else, nobody would turn up their nose at your doing so.

When folks talk about culture and opportunities and stuff to buy, the question arises, how much fucking taste and money and time do you have, exactly? I grew up in a podunk money jungle (Palm Springs) and moved among several more, and I don’t see how anybody but the 0.5% can bitch about not being in N.Y. for purposes of living la dolce vita. I will never have a fraction of the knowledge/money/time to exploit New Orleans, for example, let alone the world’s bestest metropolis. You can do a couple things a night, tops, and in fact my preference is zero things.

 
 

To be clear, fuck Woody Allen.

If he isn’t a narcissistic dick he sure does a good impression. Doesn’t seem to get that tying his innocence to Mia & Dylan Farrow being terrible people is a shitty gambit. Just proclaim innocence, don’t weave a tangled unconvincing web I’m supposed to buy about people I don’t know, when I DO know you’re a wierd creepy genius who married his adopted daughter. Occam’s Razor and all that. And if I learn more and the case gets worse, why the fuck are you rattling on, Woody. Oh yeah, you’re the magic man. Keep explaining, it’ll work out.

 
 

FUCKING THANK YOU.

Fuck.

I am fortunate enough to not have been abused, and the vileness coming off of that editorial was bad enough to *convince me* Allen is guilty as fuck.

 
 

Battle-O-the-Bands (in Cerb’s post)

More Gusto Than Michael
My Raging Adversary
Pesky Witnesses
Confuse the General
Abuse Clinic
Mound of Dino
One Armed Ghost
Satanic Panic
Hijack the System
Children As Hats
Mushroom Forest
Cookie Cutter Child
Middle Finger
Woody Handles
Ghost Pepper
Cemented on Your Head
Death Stares from the Waiter
Run Through the Mud

 
 

Battle-O-the-Bands (from the Comments)

Thirsty Firsties
Need to Ruin
Dubious Actions
Reason to Hammer
Comprehension Stunt
Cool Beans
Skin Trophy
Canine Brain Link
Auteur Woody
Rural Postal
Curse of the Species
Disinclined to Strut
Bellowing Like Texans

 
 

There’s no “if you can make it [t]here, you can make it anywhere” vibe

That smug, self-congratulatory song (New York, New York) is a perfect distillation of what I most despise about NYC.

 
 

I’m in Newark.

Mustn’t……..lose………will………to……….live………….

 
 

Major; if you decide to end it all these guys will help.

 
 

Somewhat off-topic, Cerb, but this might cheer you up. I made a character you can use in Saints Row IV based on the post image: http://www.saintsrow.com/community/characters/details/126189321731956184

 
 

I aleays thought it appropriate that Newark’s airport code is EWR.

 
 

Link no worky for me.

 
 

I’m in Newark.

Mustn’t……..lose………will………to……….live………….

Some nice Portugese food would give you the strength of will to carry on.

 
 

I’m sure the late Dory Previn really appreciates being used as a stick for Woody to beat Mia with.

 
 

OT, but anybody here watch True Detective?

i’ve been meaning to but don’t want to jump in mid-series…or is it a series where that’s possible?

To be clear, fuck Woody Allen.

If he isn’t a narcissistic dick he sure does a good impression. Doesn’t seem to get that tying his innocence to Mia & Dylan Farrow being terrible people is a shitty gambit. Just proclaim innocence, don’t weave a tangled unconvincing web I’m supposed to buy about people I don’t know, when I DO know you’re a wierd creepy genius who married his adopted daughter. Occam’s Razor and all that. And if I learn more and the case gets worse, why the fuck are you rattling on, Woody. Oh yeah, you’re the magic man. Keep explaining, it’ll work out.

Also, too, too: also: Allen has been in daily “therapy” for decades. That is not the sign of a healthy mind, especially if you think about the “as long as you talk about it you’re OK” school of therapy.

you two have completely summed it up…

 
 

Allen writes that he was disgusted by internet comments on one of Barber’s anti-gay articles, warning that many gay people “really do console themselves with fantasies of their own Kristallnacht, in which Christians are euphemistically ‘taken out of the way’ as part of the ‘gay’-stapo’s ‘final solution’ to the ‘Christian problem.’”

I’d bet actual folding money that this guy believes in The Rapture, which is 100% about fantasizing about consigning people you don’t like to an eternity of torture.

 
 

Hey Pupienus, you probably know this already, but I’m now officially jealous.

 
 

Not just major cities. Every town, village, and rural postal route is good folks surrounded by assholes. Curse of the species, I guess.

True, of course. And to clarify, I really only spent significant time in Manhattan. It’s probably wrong of me to judge all of NYC based on that wretched hive of scum and villainy.

 
 

or is it a series where that’s possible?

DON’T DO THAT

 
 

(I was born in Palm Springs, extremely itinerant, but I’m a culturally western U.S. or Cali-type-person)

I’ll actually be taking a trip to Palm Springs for the first time (hey, it was free). Anything I should or shouldn’t do while I’m there? Visiting Joshua Tree is already on the list.

 
 

WHO LEAKED OUR PLANS TO THIS GUY?

You know, I’m not angry about this shit anymore because those fucks are LOSING badly. I’m rather enjoying the convulsions and tantrums and taking Godwin to a level that makes their terror rantings seem like satire.

I still want to empty all the teeth out of assholes like that, but watching them act like they’ve just endured a Blitzkrieg (Yeah, I went there, deal with it) is hilarious.

 
 

Pup’s link has so much awesome in it. That these gay crimes, like Barber’s torture and hanging, take place on the internet means we can all watch. I never considered that the axe I grind is amoral but because I’m a radical Leftist I guess he’s got me there. Even the Mennonite stores don’t sell moral axes, I wonder where he gets his. I must be a sympathetic goon.

 
 

In Hollywood’s recent theatrical release of The Monuments Men, the storyline follows an Army unit that was guided by a group of seven museum directors, curators, and art historians as they engaged in a gripping search to recover priceless pieces of art before they were destroyed by the Nazis. Likewise, the hostile homosexual goose-steppers are seeking to destroy marriage, the masterpiece of God’s handiwork. As dedicated Christians, we too must metaphorically endeavor to recover and restore this infinitely valuable work of art before it’s been marred beyond recognition by the “gay”-stapo.

There’s torturing metaphors, and then there’s sending them to the gas chamber.

 
 

the ‘gay’-stapo

Well, Hugo Boss did make some fabulous uniforms.

 
 

There’s torturing metaphors, and then there’s sending them to the gas chamber.

I see what jew did there.

And has anybody heard from the Anti-Defamation League on any of this recent bullshit? Seems like there are a helluvalot of fake-outraged Christianists using WWII and the Holocaust as a shitrag these days. That didn’t used to be OK.

 
 

I dint speculate on the gay-stapo’s uniforms because THAT WOULD BE WRONG. So I’m glad OBS handled it.

 
 

I had the best pastrami EVAH! yesterday at Kenny & Zuke’s. Beef plate (for you uninitiated slovenly unwashed masses, think pork belly but from a bovine) cured seven days, smoked ten hours, steamed three hours. Teh Ho ordered pastrami Reuben, I ordered corned beef so we could swap halves. ZOMG Reuben heaven!

Also, reddit.com/r/portland is ALL over that Google fiber shit. Though we were on the short list last time too, so fingers are crossed. In the meantime, I just switched to CenturyLink for 40 Mbps / 5 Mbps which has vastly improved our Netflix and Chromecast watching experience.

Also, I always thought the Hugo Boss uniforms were a tad over the top.

 
 

“Likewise, the hostile homosexual goose-steppers are seeking to destroy marriage, the masterpiece of God’s handiwork.”

so, this tool believes god created the universe and man, but considers marriage to be the coolest thing god did?

I had the best pastrami EVAH! yesterday at Kenny & Zuke’s. Beef plate (for you uninitiated slovenly unwashed masses, think pork belly but from a bovine) cured seven days, smoked ten hours, steamed three hours. Teh Ho ordered pastrami Reuben, I ordered corned beef so we could swap halves. ZOMG Reuben heaven!

nobody here can make a decent reuben…it gives me a giant sad…

 
 

I heard some asshole state official from Georgia (I think) on the radio yesterday whining about the courts overturning their anti-gay Nuremburg laws. He called it tyranny–another trigger term thrown around these days…

Dude, if your idea of tyranny is the freedom for 2 guys you don’t even fucking know to get married and have the same rights you get as a married person, you’re a fucking hopeless head case. Get help. FAST.

 
 

Our biggest local craft brewery (No-Li) makes an outstanding reuben sammich. Pretty good beer for crafty type stuff.

Which reminds me:

Jimmy Fallon thank you note: Thank you, microbrews, for making my alcoholism seem like a neat hobby.

 
 

Speaking of hockey, the women’s game was a definite warning against the hubris of early (or even into the 17th minute of the third period) leads but we’re at the end of the second and it looks bad for you yanks on the #loserkeepsbieber front.

 
 

There’s torturing metaphors, and then there’s sending them to the gas chamber.

And then there’s writing like you just miraculously emerged from a gas chamber with terrible O2 deprivation damage.

 
 

Also, citing movies in a persuasive essay that isn’t specifically about movies? FAIL.

 
 

Man I loves me some pastrami but I’m so far from a decent deli I have to make it myself and that only happens once a year. FWIW I like it made from both the plate and the round, the whole brisket, though I understand why usually only the plate or flat is what’s sold. My standard of excellence remains Katz’s but I’m sure that Porty serves up greatness.

Was at the butcher Wed. to pick up hog jowls for the annual guanciale curing; 5 1/2 kilos curing now.

 
 

Also, citing movies in a persuasive essay that isn’t specifically about movies?

Our team is wearing red.

 
 

You can thank the Romanian Jews who immigrated here in the 19th Century for introducing pastrami to Americans.

he Romanian specialty was introduced to the United States in a wave of Romanian Jewish immigration from Bessarabia and Romania in the second half of the 19th century, via the Yiddish: ??????????? (pronounced pastróme). Early references in English used the spelling “pastrama”, closer to the Romanian original. The modified “pastrami” spelling was probably introduced in imitation of the Italian salami.[5]

New York’s Sussman Volk is generally credited with producing the first pastrami sandwich in 1887. Volk, a kosher butcher, claimed he got the recipe from a Romanian friend in exchange for storing the friend’s luggage while the friend returned to Romania. According to his descendant, Patricia Volk, Volk prepared pastrami according to the recipe and served it on sandwiches out of his butcher shop. The sandwich was so popular that Volk converted the butcher shop into a restaurant to sell pastrami sandwiches.[6]

Looked it up a while back when my Noble Spouse was asking what pastrami was all about.

 
 

Do you wanna know what the real Miracle is? That I can post at all. There is literally three or four livestreams open per person at the office today.

 
 

#loserkeepsbieber

Will you take him back if we ask really nicely? Pretty please? I’ll even promise to stop complaining about Celine Dion.

 
 

Dammit, stop talking about delicious food! I have an hour until lunch still. Although I thinks I’ll gets me a Hawaiian plate lunch. Been a while.

 
 

Dammit, stop talking about delicious food! I have an hour until lunch still. Although I thinks I’ll gets me a Hawaiian plate lunch. Been a while.

right?! i have leftovers…bleh. but baby carrots and hummus are making me happy. how do you survive all those carbs in the hawaiian plate lunch? i would probably keel directly over if i were ever lucky enough to come into contact with one…

 
 

Kenny & Zuke set out to top Katz, which they considered the gold standard. In some ways they have. The pastrami is the best I’ve ever had. Even better than my own (which I haven’t made long time). The other gold standard is Schwartzes in Montreal but that’s not properly pastrami. Damn good though.

 
 

I’ll even promise to stop complaining about Celine Dion.

i shan’t…

 
 

I’m picking up Guanciale today at Tails. & Trotters. Hazelnut fed heritage breed pork. Fiiiine.

 
 

marriage, the masterpiece of God’s handiwork

He must be talking about the kind that includes multiple daughters of your vanquished enemies. You know, the biblical kind of marriage.

 
 

Something about men’s hockey.

 
 

Hazelnut fed heritage breed pork.

My neighbor’s white Berkshires definitely don’t get any hazelnuts and damn few acorns or pecans. My cure is pretty good though. I ran out in Dec. and really miss the stuff, it’s my current favorite secret ingredient.

 
 

how do you survive all those carbs in the hawaiian plate lunch? i would probably keel directly over if i were ever lucky enough to come into contact with one…

For some reason my body loves carbs. I can never get enough. Helps that I exercise every day (bike or running), I s’pose.

 
 

I’m picking up Guanciale today at Tails. & Trotters. Hazelnut fed heritage breed pork. Fiiiine.

Staaaaahhp! Yoar killing me man. Lunch is gonna have to be early.

 
 

For some reason my body loves carbs. I can never get enough. Helps that I exercise every day (bike or running), I s’pose.

d’oh! it’s always the cursed exercising!!!

 
 

Something about men’s hockey.

Something about your mom and the Canadian men’s hockey team. Maybe we can ship Bieber to Mexico or something? Isn’t that what NAFTA is for?

 
 

Not looking forward to the trip home. People will have been drinking for hours by the time I am on the road. And I’m a transit commuter.

 
 

So. Much. Food. Mustn’t eat it all, gotta save some for later.

And… it’s gone.

 
 

Damn I must have been tired.

I rarely get more than 4-5 hours of sleep in the daytime but today I managed a pretty solid 6-7 hours.

Not much food wise out here by the airport so I’m having a real New Yawk (well New Jersey anyway) pizza delivered.

 
 

from the forgot to make a comment file:

(yup, I’m on the happy pills now. I apologize if this results in a loss of venom down the road).

i also take the happy pills, and while they work very well for depression, my venom supply is still high, so i wouldn’t worry…

 
 

I’ll ask again–When are white leaders going to address the problems with white culture?

 
 

When are white leaders going to address the problems with white culture?

Oh dear God. Why would anyone do such a thing?

 
 

Our lovely and talented hostess skrev:

I’m on the happy pills now. I apologize if this results in a loss of venom down the road

What nym said about your well-being, and what bbkf said about the venom supply. As long as you’re trapped on Earth, and as long as Earth continues to be populated largely by humans, with here and there a scattering of people whose souls were sent here from civilized planets to be raised by humans in private atonement for an unremembered past, you’ll never lack for reasons to be venomous.

 
 

Made red velvet cake with beets and raspberries and it turned out red and tasting of raspberries!

And I feel like I should say something incest, since I have experience with that, but I don’t feel like it.

 
 

Mia Farrow didn’t bring up shit. It was Dylan Farrow, the daughter he raped, who spoke out and it’s been the first time she’s spoken out about this in public instead of with therapists, family, or courts.

Just as long as you’re okay with being wrong on all points, thanks. There was no evidence of rape, no consistent story – but they still won their court case. So you use the R word – and bash on a guy decades later for no reason other than to reward the accuser Mia Farrow, who has in fact brought this up time and again.

I think you didn’t read Dylan’s letter at all, either, which was full of vitriol and attention getting statements designed to prod you into doing their dirty work at continuing this family feud.

There is no reason to bring this up today, ever. And your snide attempt to say that one paper printed one letter while dozens printed the other seems, well, pointless.

There is a middle ground here – the ground that says there is no reason to continue to rag on people for past mistakes that have already been hashed out in the courtroom. That place is a terrible place to live where an accusation means one is always guilty forever.

You don’t trust him with children. Fine. Whatever. Why is this being printed? There’s no evidence of anything ever happening, and even if there were, it’s twenty years later after it was aired publicly and legally. There’s no new evidence here. Just personal attacks.

 
 

Crissa-

Cool story, cis.

 
 

So if you’re angry talking about your rapist, that means you’re lying?

 
 

Crissa thinks junior high boys are prone to kidney and bladder infections. So there’s that.

 
 

Hungarian(ish) mushroom soup. Rinderrouladen. Spaetzle. Salad. Apfel sort of strudel. (Phyllo dough can be amazingly useful)

 
 

Just took a deep-pit roast out of the oven. 12 hours @ 225 F. Needless to say, it is tender and juicy. “Like buttah”, as they say on Long Island.

 
 

Play nicely people. This is a super-emotionally-charged topic for a lot of people for a lot of reasons. Whatever interpretation of the events and letters you personally adhere to, can we all agree that Dylan Farrow is a tragic victim?

– – – – – – –

I am thinking of working up an off-topic You-Tube diversion for Sadlie musicians… mainly for Provider and the bass players. I’m going to try to package it for easy bookmarking, for anyone inclined to do so.

For non-Sadlie musicians, the diversion will feature such remarkable virtuousity that they make excellent links to Amaze Your Friends and Terrify Your Enemies.

(Hey, what else ya gonna do on a Friday night, right?)

– – – – – – – –

Okay 110 Comments so far. I did the last Battle-O-the-Bands at about 50 comments. So I do another one right now. Much easier on my brain, if I cull in smaller chunks. ((Wow! I corrected a mis-key ‘smaller junks’. I must have that for BOtB !!))

Btw, we’re losing of lot of Good Fucking Names because the deejays and the poster printers won’t play ball on the language. I can’t strike the word out because FENWICK’S RULES require that Band Names must be clipped verbatim from the thread; no dropped words, no inserted words, no alterations of any kind are permitted except:

Changing punctuation IS allowed. (Examples: deleting an apostrophe to transform a possessive into a plural noun; inserting or removing hyphens)

Okay to clip letters off the head or tail of the excerpt. (Example: The thread excerpt ends in ‘faucets’. It’s okay to clip the ‘s’, thus turning a plural into the singular ‘faucet’.)

‘The’ is NEVER used to start a Band Name. (Instead, imagine ‘the’ as an invisible, implicit beginning to all the band names. Some names seem to sound better with ‘the’; others seem better without it. Let readers decide what works best for that band.)

Capitalization: Wing It (As a general rule, capitalize nouns, pronouns(*), adjectives, verbs, and adverbs. Wing it on everything else.)

(*) definition of pronoun: a noun that has lost its amateur status.

– – – – – – – – –

Boy golly gee whiz! It’s sure is windy in Albuquerque tonight! Sure, the weather people say its now (8 PM Mountain) clear, 49, 0% precip, 25% humidity, wind 0 mph. But there is mighty stiff breeze in my writing room. Actually, I think I’ll convert this burst of energy and switch to my fiction.

So no B-O-t-B … no You-Tube diversions for Sadlie musicians. Maybe later. Time to shift gears and go.

 
 

On the other side, we have someone who is bringing up a case they already won as a reason to hammer this man twenty, thirty years later.
What did she win? I read his op ed and I see a great deal of “poor pitiful me” in it. I originally wrote this off back in the day as vengeful woman payback back in the 90’s. After reading Dylan’s piece and then the custody decision, I think something did happen and that Dylan is telling the truth. If you look at his movies there are quite a few creepy bits relating to young girls – Love and Death and Stardust Memories come to mind

 
 

Oregon Beer Snob–

I’ll actually be taking a trip to Palm Springs for the first time (hey, it was free). Anything I should or shouldn’t do while I’m there? Visiting Joshua Tree is already on the list.

You already said Joshua Tree, dammit …

You could take the Palm Springs Aerial Tramway to the top of the adjoining mountain. An interesting thing about the region is that Palm Springs is roughly at sea level, but very close (as the crow flies) to a high mountain. The tramway is well worth the fare.

(Aside: hiking from the ground behind where I lived as a teen, up to the tramway’s alpine station, is a doable 16 miles or something like that. So one day, a friend — my good friend, as opposed to my bad one — called and said hey, let’s hike up to the tramway tomorrow and take the car (the funicular or whatever) down. I said no, I have a freak illness: bursitis of the elbow: all swollen and just had pus drained. Fine, he said, I’ll go with the neighbor kid … well at the snowline, my buddy siezes up and dies. The neighbor kid is freaked … Turns out B. had a blood clot from a minor sports injury. The neighbor kid suffered minor frostbite and survived.)

Back to tourism. Palm Springs itself is nothing to speak of. You can have a grand old time with a bit of money, I’m sure, but I don’t see how it’s any better than other places nearby.

It’s a gay mecca, but I gather you’re not gay. If you can think of some synergy with your lifestyle, have at it.

The Coachella Valley, of which Palm Springs is the best-known city, is a GOLF PARADISE unless it’s too hot. More courses per capita than anywhere in the world, last time I checked.

 
 

Thanks CRA, I’ll add the tramway to the list. I’d run/hike that 16 miles but I doubt the wife would go for it. Weird about your friend, a guy I know passed out at the end of an ultra marathon and was then diagnosed with a heart condition. Another local had a similar thing happen but then had a heart valve replaced three times. He died on the table during the third operation. Now I worry about that shit.

We’re not golfers, so we’ll probably just have ro hang out by the pool and drink. Darn.

 
 

FENWICK’S RULES

What about adding umlauts? A proper heavy-metal band name needs an umlaut.

 
 

Back for a quick visit during coffee set-up and break.

Battle-O-the-Bands from Comments, #2

Wierd Creepy Genius
Money Jungle
Post Image
Used As a Stick
Hive of Scum
Convulsions and Tantrums
Empty All the Teeth
Last Time Too
Deprivation Damage
Only the Plate
Hog Jowls
Got the Recipe
My Current Favorite Secret
Always the Cursed
Venom Supply
From Civilized Planets
Turned Out Red
No Consistent Story
Provider and the Bass Players
Smaller Junks
Ends in Faucets
Golly Gee Whiz
Shift Gears and Go
Did She Win
Death and Stardust
Tramway Tomorrow
Freak Illness
Back to Tourism
Unless It’s Too Hot
We’re Not Golfers

 
 

Major: I don’t know how to do diacritical marks. Can you simply imagine them? Better yet: re-post them in Fixxed format! Also, it’s always Wing It on BOtB punc. I haven’t used closing punc (! or ?); let the reader supply it is my style. But Did She Win? or Golly Gee Whiz ! is okay.

For anyone creating a Band Name, sure, go ahead and load up on umlauts and scandinavian diacriticals, accents grave, whatever. I gotta figure out how to do this sometime.

 
 

Also New Fenwick Rule: It is OKAY to replace ‘and’ with symbols ‘&’ or ‘+’.

 
 

Examples: Convulsions & Tantrums … Provider & The Bass Players

 
 

I’d better get back to work. Next coffee break, perhaps I’ll work on the nifty music diversion package for Provider N Others.

 
 

Major: I don’t know how to do diacritical marks. Can you simply imagine them?

The lazy way to do them is to cut and paste them from a word that already has them. I don’t even want to tell you how many times I’ve cut-and-pasted outré, one of my favorite words, into a blog post.

 
 

Vile.

 
 

Cerb, I’m happy for you about your healthcare experience.

 
 

When are white leaders going to address the problems with white culture?

As long as white culture is all about that Ted Nugent gangster rap music with the misogyny and the calls to violence I see no reason to respect it.

 
 

As long as white culture is all about that Ted Nugent gangster rap music with the misogyny and the calls to violence I see no reason to respect it.

Yeah, I can’t believe white conservatives aren’t calling for a musical call to prayer playing throughout their communities!

 
 

One of the saddest lessons of history is this: If we’ve been bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle. We’re no longer interested in finding out the truth. The bamboozle has captured us. It’s simply too painful to acknowledge, even to ourselves, that we’ve been taken. Once you give a charlatan power over you, you almost never get it back.

So that explains all of those “survival seed” and “one weird trick to cure cancer” ads I see on all of those liberal sites…

Ah, can’t spell “conservative” without con

 
 

GET A ROOM!

 
 

Then you can go have a threesome with Woody Allen.

 
 

Waking up to the Continued Saga Of The Dipshit Twins is like eating a big bowl of hate cereal with spoiled milk. And not even getting to watch bad ’70s cartoons after.

 
 

Glad I missed it. Too nice outside.

 
 

Tip for Fenwick – umlauts are available in HTML and they’re easy. ö yields ö. Change it to a capital O and you get Ö. A and U are treated identically.

 
 

And a google for “html entities” will yield all the other special characters.

 
 

Related

Hä!

 
 

(The Band Formerly Known As) Butt Dial played a gig last night. I think we brought our A game. The people dancing and hollering during our show sure seemed to think so. I want to do it again tonight.

Imma be high for a week on that.

 
 

Fixed that for you Dennis. Don’t say I didn’t do anything for you.

Went on my first proper road ride today, or rolled out with the cycling team for who I will be providing coaching assistance (working with rider development) this year. It was advertised that we would keep a pretty steady, but easyish pace out of town, which is what ultimately convinced me to take off with the group of 20ish.

After about a mile I made it to the front and said something snarky about the pace as I had been in the big ring for a bit of time. At one point I was turning over the 12 tooth cog north of 80 rpms meaning we were rolling a bit north of 25 mph. I was easy to spot being the dude near the front in street clothes and a backpack with a laptop inside and not a helmet but a woolen hat with earflaps.

After I bid the group adieu (they were planning on about a 50-60 mile ride, and i am not in anything resembling that kind of shape right now) I turned and realized why the start was so quick as i realized the ride back into town was uphill and into a head wind.

Gotta have a good chat with the team director and ran into a guy I used to ride with when I was a Junior over 30 years ago. Good times. first ride in a pack in over 3 and a half years first time near 30mph on the new (to me) Road Bike while standing out like a sore thumb surrounded by a bunch in proper kit.

Look forward to getting back in a semblance of shape. For me that means completeing a 10 mile time trial under 30 minutes.

 
 

Imma be high for a week on that.

I feel you Brother!!!!

Woot!!!

And OBS I hope you noticed that I fixed that lame attempt at umlautery, before you consigned it to the dust bin. i presume that it was you, currently too lazy to open that tab and check at the moment.

 
 

There is a reason I tend to avoid some of the links ya bastids post. Some bells cannot be unrung. Thanks OBS.

I just hope that Hamster Cöck doesn’t make the predeath highlight reel.

 
 

What’s this I hear about Scandinavian Die-a-critic?
There is much to be said for the traditional Viking way of dealing with the hostile Third Reviewer.

 
 

Saturday hangover with coffee and Indianna Jones. Life ain’t so bad right about now

 
 

I just watched this jewish flick about the amazing Spidermens. It was fun.

 
 

Hey, Hamster Cöck is a classic in the Band Name genre! One of the few with its own album cover and everything. I get no respect.

 
 

Mang! Set up all pur shit with the new 40 Mbps DSL. Watching Netflix (via Nexus 7 and Chromecast to Teh big screen TV) in Aitch Fucking Dee while simultaneously watching something ORT other on the PC in HD while …

Speed is good. Speed is nice. Speed is my friend.

 
 

Speed is good. Speed is nice. Speed is my friend.

Speed is life.

(fighter pilot saying)

 
 

Looks like Putins’ buddy, the erstwhile president of the Ukraine, has fled the scene. Did @katspawov63 see it coming?

 
 

There is much to be said for the traditional Viking way of dealing with the hostile Third Reviewer.

Everyone knows YOU DON’T FUCK WITH THE FINNS.

 
 

There is much to be said for the traditional Viking way of dealing with the hostile Third Reviewer.

“Viking” was a job description, not a nationality.

 
 

“Viking” was a job description, not a nationality.

A Sport and A Pastime

 
 

Battle-O-the-Bands from Comments, #3

Load Up on Umlauts
Scandinavian Diacriticals
Accents Grave
Pasted Outré
Charlatan Power
Survival Seed
Threesome with Woody
Predeath Highlight Reel
Special Characters
12-Tooth Cog
Traditional Viking
Not a Nationality

 
 

“Pasted Outré” would be a great name for a Plastic Bertrand cover band… second only to “King of the Divan”. Of course, they’d play Ça Plane Pour Moi over and over, but that’s not a bad thing.

 
 

I guess for a band you could say the Woody was Gunthrie and not Allen. That way you could play acoustic guitars instead of synchronized whining.

 
 

Of course, they’d play Ça Plane Pour Moi over and over, but that’s not a bad thing.

Was out letting my hooligan flag fly, tearing up the mountain roads on a “Fossil run,” when my iPod somehow got stuck on a two song repeat loop. Violent Femmes Blister in the sun and Ça Plane Pour Moi . Didn’t want to stop (and make the group stop to see what was wrong with me / my bike) so I just went with it for 45 minutes or so. Not a fuck was given.

 
 

you could say the Woody was Gunthrie

Or Harrelson. Or Woodpecker. Or a euphemism for an erect male member. (((Taking a break from ‘PENIS’)))

 
 

Cerb, belated congrats on the medical front. I’ve been on happy pills for five years now. Doing *much* better.

 
 

Just took some cheeseburgers off the George Foreman. 10 minutes @ 400 F. Needless to say, th3ey’re tender and juicy. “Like buttah”, as they say on Long Island.

 
 

Why the hell would someone give an 8-yr old a .22 pistol to use for hunting or whatever?

WEWOKA, Okla. – The life of an 8-year-old boy was claimed Saturday in a tragic accident.

Katie, a Wewoka resident, said, “Everyone is talking about it. Everybody’s mourning about it.”

On Saturday, officials say 8-year-old Lane Azlin slipped on ice while hunting.

As he fell, his .22 pistol went off, causing him to shoot himself.

A short time later, Lane died from his injuries.

It happened just north of the town of Wewoka.

While not everyone in town knew Lane, most know of his family.

 
 

Fuck.

No charges to be filed after accidental shooting claims life of Wewoka boy

Those in Wewoka say the family is well-respected; Lane’s father is said to be a pastor of a local church and his mother is a teacher.

I guess they were the “right” kind of people so they won’t be charged.

 
 

(Taking a break from ‘PENIS’)

Is it really you that might need a break from it?

 
 

I guess they were the “right” kind of people so they won’t be charged.

The usual line is that the family has “suffered enough”, which reveals a very, very fucked up attitude toward the criminal justice system.

 
 

Also, The Shinning

 
 

Criminal negligence?

 
 

I’m sure that the lack of any charges are due to the objective facts and circumstances of the case, and nothing to do with the reputation and social standing of the family in question.

Anybody want to buy a bridge?

 
 

Criminal negligence?

If I ruled the world, any firearm discharge that even came close to hurting or killing someone (or a beloved animal/object) would result in that charge at least being automatically levied against the person holding the firearm when it went off and/or the registered owner (with extra charges if the owner “forgot” to change registration). If the shooter’s a kid, extra-special charges to the nominally responsible adult for being so fucking careless. Also, an assumption of intent to do grave harm anytime any adult pulls a gun out and shoots it. Of course, if I ruled the world, there wouldn’t be nearly so damn many guns around in the first place, and gun manufacturing would be a boutique business.

 
 

Sure, Pennis, there aren’t any statutes that could possibly apply to what happened in OK:

Manslaughter is the unlawful killing of a human being without malice.

Voluntary- Upon a sudden quarrel or heat of passion.

Involuntary – In the commission of an unlawful act not amounting to a felony, or in the commission in an unlawful manner, or without due caution and circumspection, of a lawful act which might produce death.

Punishments:

Voluntary – Whoever is guilty of voluntary manslaughter, shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than ten years, or both

Involuntary – Whoever is guilty of involuntary manslaughter, shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than six years, or both.

…………………………………………………………………..

Manslaughter in the 2nd Degree:

Every killing of one human being by the act, procurement or culpable negligence of another, which, under the provisions of this chapter, is not murder, nor manslaughter in the first degree, nor excusable nor justifiable homicide, is manslaughter in the second degree.

Punishment:

Any person guilty of manslaughter in the second degree shall be guilty of a felony punishable by imprisonment in the State Penitentiary not more than four (4) years and not less than two (2) years, or by imprisonment in a county jail not exceeding one (1) year, or by a fine not exceeding One Thousand Dollars ($1,000.00), or both fine and imprisonment.

 
 

Did an 8-year old go through the hunter education class?

Youths under 16, with hunter education class, may hunt small and big game, and may hunt alone. Without a hunter education class, may hunt small game only and must be accompanied by licensed adult 21 or older who has passed hunter education course.

If he didn’t, and he wasn’t accompanied by an adult……………..

 
 

It doesn’t matter. You don’t give a loaded gun to an 8-year-old. Period.

 
 

That’s because I know how to read between the lines of a small-town news story.

Why else would they feel the need to mention how “well respected” the family is?

 
 

I know the mother and father, they’re very good people and probably taught him everything he would need to know about safety with the gun.

Obviously they taught him everything he needed to know.

 
 

The only seasons open there at this time are crow and rabbit. Who the hell hunts either with a .22 pistol?
Maybe it’s a culture thing. I dunno.
…but I started with a single shot .410.
Hitting rabbit with a .22 long takes more skill than most adults have.

 
 

Sorry. I missed quail.
…because I guess those are SO much easier.

 
 

Yeah. Quail with a .22 pistol. I don’t think Annie Oakley could manage that.

 
 

Woody Alllen and Mia Farrow were never married. He is not Soon-Yi Previn’s father, stepfather or adoptive father.

 
 

WEWOKA, Okla. – The life of an 8-year-old boy was claimed Saturday in a tragic accident.

Katie, a Wewoka resident, said, “Everyone is talking about it. Everybody’s mourning about it.”

On Saturday, officials say 8-year-old Lane Azlin slipped on ice while hunting.

As he fell, his .22 pistol went off, causing him to shoot himself.

A short time later, Lane died from his injuries.

It happened just north of the town of Wewoka.

While not everyone in town knew Lane, most know of his family.

Right. Sounds legit. There’s more to this story. That story doesn’t add up.

 
 

Rob, he adopted 2 children with Mia Farrow and had one child together. If he wasn’t the stepfather of her other children, it could be argued he was a father figure in that household.

 
 

Woody Alllen and Mia Farrow were never married. He is not Soon-Yi Previn’s father, stepfather or adoptive father.

I, too, would be less concerned with these legalistic distinctions than with whether he acted as a parental figure.

 
So it's come to this
 

It doesn’t matter. You don’t give a loaded gun to an 8-year-old. Period.

No you certainly don’t. 8 year old children should be working with age appropriate missile weapons such as slings, blowguns, bows, crossbows, shurikens, throwing knives, throwing axes, and if the parent is particularly wealthy and indulgent, a hunting trebuchet. How else will they learn the accuracy if they don’t practice? You don’t give a child a race car, you get them started in go karts. Deadly snipers are made not born and rushing the process only leads to tragedy.

 
 

8 year old children should be working with age appropriate missile weapons such as slings, blowguns, bows, crossbows, shurikens, throwing knives, throwing axes, and if the parent is particularly wealthy and indulgent, a hunting trebuchet.

We contented ourselves with lawn darts.

 
 

We contented ourselves with lawn darts.

Lawn darts and M-80s culled the weak from the herd.

 
 

Don’ forget BB guns. Those suckers sting when somebody shoots you with one.

Or so I’ve heard. Ahem.

 
 

Quail with a .22 pistol. I don’t think Annie Oakley could manage that..

Walking with my brother along an old fire road on the way to shoot some bunnies and squirrels. I had .22 rifle, T__ had 12 ga. Grouse flushed on my side (for you non hunting folk, grouse will wait until you’re right next to them to bug out). I dropped to one knee to hoping T__ could swing over my head and get a shot off. I flicked safety off as I was dropping and figured what the fuck I aimed from the hip and pulled the trigger. Nailed that sucker (T couldn’t shoot) 1:10,000,000,000

 
 

I’ve hit grouse with a .22 pistol, but haven’t managed a dead on head shot. If you don’t drop them with a headshot, you get to kill them with your hands, which is even a little much for a super tough guy like me. Can’t do it.

 
 

You want to talk about 1 in 10^6th chances, one of my Texas cousin was bitten by a copperhead, but he reacted so quickly that only one of the snakes fangs got him, lowering his dosage of venom by 50%. He still had to be taken to the ER and given anti-venom, but he wasn’t in as much danger as your average snake-bite victim,

 
 

ugh…will there really be any winners in such competitions?

 
 

will there really be any winners in such competitions?

Invest in toilet paper and antacid.

 
 

Taco Bell places(I refuse to dignify them with any other description) are set up to warm up pre-cooked food, they don’t have the necessary equipment to make stuff like a grill or a real oven. I don’t know how they’re going to make it work with waffles and eggs.

 
 

I don’t know how they’re going to make it work with waffles and eggs.

As if they need to serve good waffles and eggs. Clark Griswold would like to discuss his new non-nutritive cereal varnish with you.

 
 

YOU GUYS, SNOOKI IS PREGNANT AGAIN.

 
 

will there really be any winners in such competitions?
The survivors will envy the dead.

 
 

YOU GUYS, SNOOKI IS PREGNANT AGAIN.

gross…i didn’t realize she had spawned before…ew, last night as the daughter was clicking through the channels, she stopped on a teen mom show of some sort where during the opening credits, the teen mom talked about how she was a cheerleader, then a mom and then the teen dad died and then she was a party girl and a porno star and sex toy promoter, you know what? all she really wants to do is raise her little family…like a ‘normal’ person…so she has a show about that? like other ‘normal’ people?

 
 

The survivors will envy the dead.

HOTpocket!

 
 

The survivors will envy the dead.

Conveniently, this works as a reply to t’sam’s SNOOKI comment equally well.

 
 

Please do not tell me what a “snooki” is as I prefer to remain blissful in my ignorance.

 
 

Your ignorance in this case is bliss.

 
 

I have a shrine to ‘snooki’ in the shed behind my house.

 
 

all she really wants to do is raise her little family…like a ‘normal’ person…so she has a show about that? like other ‘normal’ people?

I think that’s the one who didn’t (totally did) make a porno film with a guy who isn’t (totally is) a porn star, then said she would never (totally would) do it again because it ruined her life (probably did) but then held her ground (totally didn’t) and didn’t (did) make another one.

Yeah, she seems pretty normal. Of course, who the fuck am I to judge? I’ve never (totally have) been in any porn movies.

 
 

I think that’s the one who didn’t (totally did) make a porno film with a guy who isn’t (totally is) a porn star,

she refers to it as a ‘sex tape’…the credits show a nudie shot…this is after seeing her at the grave of the dead teen dad, with birthday balloons and signs…

her child(ren) will be so proud at some date in the future…

 
 

Don’ forget BB guns.

You’ll put your eye out kid!

 
 

she refers to it as a ‘sex tape’

Well, I guess all porn is technically a “sex tape”.

I guess it’s easy to point and laugh, but I feel like there’s a bit of slut shaming going on here. Porn stars have lives outside of giving and taking D in movies…

(Not arguing with you or saying you’re slut shaming–I just feel like FEMALE porn stars get overly stigmatized)

 
 

If “snooki” is an adorable animal, like maybe an otter – they’re so cute! – I’d like to know about it. Otherwise, keep me ignoramousant.

 
 

Pup – Nobody’s exactly sure what Snooki is.

 
 

I guess it’s easy to point and laugh, but I feel like there’s a bit of slut shaming going on here. Porn stars have lives outside of giving and taking D in movies…

(Not arguing with you or saying you’re slut shaming–I just feel like FEMALE porn stars get overly stigmatized)

of course female ones get overly stigmatized because sexist crap…and aren’t porn guys seen as being hung and dumb? the whole teen mom and people behaving badly or exploiting their families as pretty horrendous…i’m not above a little late night ‘housewives’ viewing, but i generally find reality teevee to be appalling…and it’s the ‘we’re regualar people’ trope is really annoying…

 
 

Pup – Nobody’s exactly sure what Snooki is.

she’s definitely not all natural…

 
 

I think porn star actually has to be a lot of work.

Imagine trying to get in the mood with two cameramen, a sound guy, a lighting technician and a director in the room with you.

I don’t see how they even do it.

 
 

Major: Chemical assistance.

 
 

I don’t see how they even do it.

well, tab ‘a’ goes into slot ‘b’…

yeah, the guys definitely have it harder than the females…although getting it up the butt for hours on end, or giving non-stop blowjobs…or making out and/or having sexy time with people you are not attracted to has to be the worst…yeah, the sex industry is SO not for me…i would be the crankiest, most un-enthused sex worker in history…

 
 

the guys definitely have it harder than the females

ISWYDT

 
 

the guys definitely have it harder than the females

They have some off-camera…help for that.

 
 

They have some off-camera…help for that.

A craft-services table well stocked with Fluffernutter sandwiches, right? Mmm, creamy.

 
 

Battle-O-the-Bands Comments, #4

Hooligan Flag
Tearing Up the Mountain
Fossil Run
Cheeseburgers
Buy a Bridge
Nominally Responsible
Without Due Caution
Culpable Negligence
Small Town News
Trebuchet
Lawn Darts
Shoot Some Bunnies
Dead On Head
Dosage of Venom
Good Waffles
Cereal Varnish
Maybe an Otter

 
 

Follow-up on Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman.

 
 

For the record, I ain’t afraid of no ghost-of-a-Ghostbuster.

 
 

but i generally find reality teevee to be appalling…and it’s the ‘we’re regualar people’ trope is really annoying…

The fact that they’re trying to sell me on the idea that there is any reality on TV is offensive and insulting to me. I don’t like any of it, but I get especially pissed of at the hillbilly shit. Making it fashionable to be an ignorant, racist, functionally illiterate religious zealot that looks, sounds and acts like a fucking animal is a crime against humanity. I wouldn’t watch any of that shit just out of principle, even if a show hit the astronomically low odds that I might actually like it.

Honestly, Netflix movies and shows (Currently a House of Cards zombie), HBO originals (True Detective is fascinating, though I don’t like where it just went), Big Bang Theory…that’s pretty much all the TV I can handle any more.

 
 

Oh, and Modern Family is like 436 kinds of awesome.

 
 

Forced-birther calls pregnant women “hosts”.

If I ruled the world, there wouldn’t be nearly so damn many guns around in the first place, and gun manufacturing would be a boutique business.

“Gun safety” fatality. Also blind stand-your-ground killer gets his guns back.

 
 

We watch:

Netflix
Modern Family
Boardwalk Empire
Sherlock (PBS)
Downton Abbey (PBS)
Anthony Bourdain’s show on CNN

That’s about it.

 
 

CRA: bbkf is too polite to AHEM. (See 20:06.) But you are in good company: I nearly put up an RIP Harold Ramis link, too!

 
 

Police said that the man, whose name was not released, had been trying to show his girlfriend gun safety with three pistols. He put the first two guns to his head and pulled the trigger. When the man pulled the trigger on the third pistol the gun went off.

That’s how I demonstrate gun safety. DON’T POINT THE GUN AT ANYTHING YOU DON’T INTEND TO SHOOT, AND HERE’S WHY: (((BANG)))

 
 

CRA: bbkf is too polite to AHEM. (See 20:06.) But you are in good company: I nearly put up an RIP Harold Ramis link, too!

I should have omitted the link. My real purpose was making a joke too soon. bbkf could ahem me for the link, but not the joke.

 
 

the crankiest, most un-enthused sex worker in history

[dangerfield]Oh, so you’ve met my wife?[/dangerfield]

Badum bum, tssh!

 
 

HERE’S WHY: (((BANG)))

You’ve gotta figure, it made an impression she won’t soon forget.

 
 

You’ve gotta figure, it made an impression she won’t soon forget.

Nothing like the impression it made in him!

 
 

New one…

xoxox,
P

 
 

This is like something out of Tarantino:

“Baby, baby, you shot me,” he said Williams told him as she lay on the ground.

 
 

?!

Oh noes! tsam & bbfk: I misread tsam’s comment in the last thread! Apologies, Apologies, Apoligies!!!

/Emily Littella voice

 
 

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