Nov
28

Happy Indigenous Genocide Day




Posted at 11:23 by Cerberus

Wednesday Addams judges your holiday’s history.

Madeline Crabb, Rød America:
Thanksgiving — A time for gratefulness to God

Thanksgiving is a really fucking weird holiday. I mean, I’m not the first one to note this shit, but Thanksgiving has always been more than a little fucked up.

Like many holidays its a pagan feast day run through the xerox machine a couple of times and given vaguely Christian and/or capitalist overtones. It’s supposed to be a day of mindfulness and being thankful for what you have, but the retail orgy that is Black Friday is spilling more and more into it and everyone seems to be trying to do their best to not think too much about the holiday and its implications.

And then, we’ve got the official history, which, yeah, snarky title, but that is kind of how that whole thing ended up, with hundreds of years of genocide, broken promises, and just generally being a dick to the people who had actually been living here.

And that official history gets even more dark when you start to think about why this official history is even raised as “important”. I mean, at best, the much vaunted “first thanksgiving” was just a day (the whole “thanksgiving” thing was an already long established christianization of “harvest feast days” that were supposed to complement fasting periods) largely caused by a bunch of natives justifiably nervous about all the gunfire around their camps and wanting to check up on this “feast” the settlers were saying it was for.

At worst, it was a colony of religious assholes who believed they were entitled to anything good that ever happened to them, so fuck the people who actually kept them from dying. As they were saved from certain death caused by them being religious lunatics who knew nothing about preparing a new settlement for winter by sympathetic natives, they responded largely by many years of just utterly dicking around with the nearby settlements and blaming them for all ills when they weren’t busy blaming them on witches (which often translated to anyone who had favorable land and was speaking out about their being a dick to natives policies).

And then we get to the part where this holiday is used as the excuse to focus on Pilgrims as the “first Americans” and the “true Americans”, blessed by the very natives whose land they stole to represent what we think of as “America”. Despite the fact that they weren’t the first Anglican settlers and weren’t even that remarkable outside of the random importance given to this day.

A day whose modern interpretations are like most holidays products of 1950s suburban advertising. A day by Norman Rockwell painting are supposed to be about family and diversity but just end up meaning anyone who is in anyway non-normative is asked to sit down and shut up and lie about their life so that those who most fit the status quo can go on and on about their regressive bullshit without socially approved counter in the name of “family togetherness”.

But then, even though it’s this whole institution with so much stress and nasty history, it’s got good food and no one seems to care that much, so what use is it getting upset with the whole rigmarole?

As I said, it’s just a weird fucking holiday.

So let’s go to Renew America and let their pre-selected crew of time-traveling Klansmen make this even weirder.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

  • I just need to do a random Thanksgiving post sneering at people for not showing God’s giant sky penis some love? Easy, I can do that… OBAMA FASCISTS IN YOUR CLOSETS! DOG WHISTLES! Why aren’t we allowed to slaughter native americans anymore! I WANT MY AMERICA BACK!

You only had one job!

But more seriously, though this is pretty much the standard Renew America pearl clutch that has been copy pasted for the last 6 years with a few words here and there search-and-replaced with Christmas, it is nonetheless fascinating in just how it manages to fail at its one task.

In a couple of days we celebrate Thanksgiving, a day that’s become synonymous with lots of food, family, and football – not necessarily in that order.

ALL HAIL THE RUGBY WITH PADS!

It is a national holiday and therefore gives millions of Americans a paid day off from work.

You just know this concept fills her with unbridled fury.

WHAT! You have given the filthy masses a “day off” from their endless toils? And for pay?!? What is this world coming to? (/faint)

But are we taking any time out on this day to actually give thanks to our Creator, from whom all blessings flow?

We give you this thanks, Oh Lord Madden, may your pigskins fill us with our daily touchdowns and give us our… I dunno offsides or something. I don’t watch your strange alien sport.

But seriously, I love the little passive-aggressive snipe here as if every Renew America reader wasn’t at the very least doing the standard religious household food-magic ritual at the start of every meal (with extra in-your-face bullshit during special holiday meals, especially if Cousin Bill is bringing his “husband” and you want to communicate just how sinful you consider that).

Yeah, I think your usual pool of reprobates isn’t going to magically forget Jesus. Oh right, that guy I’ve been thanking for my meals instead of all the underpaid migrant farmers who actually bled to bring this under-priced gluttony to my table. Thanks random lady, that was a close one.

Which brings up a quick tangent. What is up with evangelicals spending all their time hanging out with a bunch of people who spend all their time talking at them as if they are some base wretches who need to be learned about the basics of the subculture they’ve been in their entire lives.

If I tried to hang out with a bunch of say, gamers, and every hangout consisted of them snidely and sarcastically explaining what a controller was, because clearly I was some casual whose just walked in off the street, you can bet your ass that my ass won’t have even hit the chair before I’m walking out that door again.

So why the fuck do evangelicals put up with it? Is there self-esteem just that fucked up?

America truly is a great country.

America is great! If we just say it enough times, black out any aspect of history that dares show it in imperfect light, and attack anyone who ever dares note that inglorious history, then it’ll be true and we won’t have to do any of the hard work of actually making it great!

My plans are great!

Perfect, no, because it is comprised of imperfect people.

Such as Steve. I mean, fuck, Steve, you had one job, achieve perfection as the living Buddha and you fucked it up for everyone. Now America is going to have to continue through the realm of Samsara and it’s all your fault. Ugh, I’m just so disgusted right now I can’t even look at you.

But we have something most other nations will never have –

Buzzwords and an impressive delusion about our uniqueness and importance in the world?

freedom.

Yes! Nailed it in one!

We were founded on the principle that we are “endowed by our Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.” Of course, most of us recognize these words from the Declaration of Independence. Sadly, far too many Americans have been taking these rights for granted,

Blink blink…

Yes, indeed. Many have taken these goals for granted. Assuming that just because they were written in a non-binding letter that they were not things that would not need to be fought for and protected and treated as more than just buzzwords signifying nothing, but actually commitments to equality for all men, even the ones the letter-writer had chained up on his property.

And since you have the introspective ability of gnats, I’m betting this isn’t going to lead into a raw bout of self-realization, but rather just a standard “Obama is a tyrant because…er…HE’S BLACK IN MY WHITE HOUSE!”

perhaps thinking we would always have them. Consequently, we have become complacent, and run the risk of losing our freedom.

Oh, there are some naysayers who will claim this could never happen. But dear friends, it has been happening for over a century. Our own government has been sucking-away our freedoms bit by bit. The current Resident-in-chief has greatly escalated the process. But then, what can we expect? He said that was what he was going to do when he campaigned for the job.

Gosh, it’s like I’m a psychic or something!

What exactly did we think Obama meant when he proclaimed he was going to “fundamentally transform the United States of America?”

See, this is what I mean by fascinating. I mean, this bitter old waste of a lifespan is utterly terrified by this notion of change. That the world can move on. That things might need to change or that events can occur to transform life as we know it. In a lifespan spent living through mankind exploring space and the moon, surviving a stand-off with nuclear weaponry, an internet boom that has connected the world to each other, and all manner of scientific and medical discoveries, not to mention cultural advances for all manner of groups, she’s still jumping at every shadow and thinking everyone is just as terrified by the notion that the world can just… move on from her decrepit archaic ass.

This soundbite is a common focus of concern for psychotic right-wingers. Or rather was about 6 years ago, but here she is hoarding it like it was the last 20 years of newspapers crowding her entryway. It’d just be so sad if she wasn’t such a terrible person who could change anytime she wanted to.

Millions of us knew what he meant because we stay informed about important issues like freedom, tyranny, and our out-of-control government.

It meant turning it into a dog whistle because the very idea of a black man being president is so utterly terrifying to you, you literally can’t imagine a non-nefarious meaning to anything he says?

But hold on, it gets even better.

Because see, Ol’ Crabbapple here is really concerned you might have your hearing aid turned way down and might not be able to understand the dog whistles and decides to lower the subtlety a bit. Yeah… from here. Believe me, you’re in for a treat.

For those of you who believed all of Obama’s lies, why did you think America needed fundamental transformation? What has America done to you that would cause you to favor such change?

(Slow clap)

I mean, what do you even say to a string like this. It’s like the perfect shorter of the entire modern conservative movement. People who think the very notion of change, of the idea that the world doesn’t just stay static still in a perfect snapshot of a child’s understanding of their own childhood, is something that should be inherently terrifying and fought at all levels.

Furthermore that any change should be treated as a personal injury, exactly equatable to being violently attacked.

This is what people with no problems do for fun. Pretend that the world not staying a permanent snapshot for their entire lives is equivalent if not worse than what people who actually suffer oppression deal with on a daily basis.

And this is why I can’t be arsed to shed a tear when she finds this self-abuse genuinely distressing.

Aren’t you being allowed to chase your dreams, your happiness?

No, in this capitalist system dreams cost money. If I want to spend my days just writing or pursuing some risky artistic venue or try and build a decent volunteer portfolio for a PhD program, then I better have a shit-ton of disposable income to make it possible. Hell, just having enough to afford a pipe dream of therapy much less eventual surgery is a joke and a half.

And that’s before we even get into the fact that for the mental health of “happiness”, poverty is the ultimate lemon squeeze on the open wound. If you’re suffering PTSD from traumas or depression then poverty has a way of exacerbating the issues and making them take on an almost funereal weight.

Or the fact that many dreams are just straight up blocked for people of certain sexes, races, or orientations due to bigotry and discrimination. Many kids are quickly trained to abandon their dreams because no one like them is doing them or could see letting them pursue it.

So no, in our current country, most people aren’t allowed to pursue their dreams or happiness. But thanks for playing.

Aren’t you allowed the right to work in a job of your choosing?

BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Snrk! HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Oh man, that’s rich. Hee hee hee hee hee.

But to answer your question, no.

How about education? Aren’t your children able to attend schools, and even pursue higher education if so desired?

Again, no. You’ve eliminated most forms of scholarships and jacked up the price of public education so that only the children of privilege can afford educations that are now downright mandatory in our society. There’s a reason that most every college graduate is in obscene amounts of debt before they even begin a career, if they can even begin a career, because you decided to funnel all the money to a bunch of tight-walleted fucks instead of shit that would genuinely expand the economy and create new jobs.

How many of you have a roof over your head, food in the fridge, and a car to drive?

A depressingly small percentage considering how much wealth there is in this country. Also a depressingly small percentage when you consider that in this country, all of those things are straight up mandatory for survival except for a few national anomalies with half-decent public transportation like New York City.

If you don’t have some things, don’t you have the opportunity to get a better job, or a second or third job to obtain them? (Hey, I worked two or more jobs at a time to get through college.)

Oh did you? Oh you poor poor baby. Only being able to pay for all your college fees, rent, housing, food, and minor luxuries with your two jobs.

That’s so hard. Please, let me get you a comfy chair so you can regale me with stories of your hardships. Only make it quick because I’m currently up to 6 jobs and I still can’t make rent reliably with them. But I’m sure it was much harder in your days what with your robust financial support for those just starting out and your booming economy that was eager to hire fresh-faced kids looking to start a career.

And if you are experiencing difficult times, aren’t there generous charitable and religious organizations to which you can go to get temporary assistance?

Not really. I mean, let’s say I was Butch McManName, a properly cis white religious heterosexual who only masturbates to gay porn when it involves Jesus in an S&M scene with “evil jews”, who was a Church man in good standing who hadn’t managed to piss off one of the lifers with literally nothing better to do in their life than to oust others for not being “holy” enough. I might, might be able to get temporary assistance. If I grovel and let all the middle class assholes feel smugly superior than me for my “personal failures” that lead to such a “tragedy for my family”.

But it probably won’t last me that long and it’ll come with a giant list of strings and that’s before we acknowledge the reality that no damn religious charity would ever give money to a trans* atheist poly kinky slut like me. Ever.

We used to try it their way and allow charity to meet all economic needs. It failed. Badly. So now the mean nasty government needs to step in, because the charities failed to do their fucking job as advertised (but not as intended. It was always intended more as a means of letting privileged people feel a rush in controlling the life and death of other people rather than a means of giving aid to those who need it).

Yes, there are some homeless people in America,

Yes, there are all those people whose existence disproves my point, but let’s be honest, they don’t even let you through the doors of a modern Church unless you can hand-wave whole swaths of people easier than you can take a breath.

but there are multitudes of community organizations and programs to assist even these folks.

I mean, if they weren’t, then those who have gutted all aid programs in favor of giving all the money to rich people to hoard in the name of making their numbers compete against other rich people’s numbers, might have to feel bad about their actions. So yeah, I’m sure they’re fine (/step over a body killed by exposure lying on the sidewalk).

The fact is that even most poor people in America live better than the truly poor in some countries.

Besides we exploit the poor of third-world countries WAY worse than your decrepit asses, so I don’t even know why you’re whining.

Even some of Barack Obama’s Kenyan family lives in shanties.

DID YOU HEAR THE DOG WHISTLE GRANDMA OR DO WE NEED TO TURN IT UP SOME MORE?!?

We all know so-called poor people who have at least one car, sometimes own homes, have at least one TV – many times big screen versions, and just about every electronic device available.

See, that’s the thing about being utterly afraid of change and refusing to acknowledge that the world you live in now isn’t the fantasy of your childhood.

You still believe having a refrigerator, microwave, or TV is the status symbol it was back in the 1950s, rather than something that has less financial impact than the gas one uses driving to work and back.

Which, yeah, on that note… Cars are pretty much mandatory in America.

The sheer number of jobs that straight up require cars to even apply or not so subtly discriminate against any applicants who admit to using public transportation to get to work or are just located in a location that is impossible to access any other way than by personal vehicle are staggering.

Going into this job market without that ability is going in with a severe handicap and that’s saying something. My girlfriend actually is legally unable to drive due to disability and the number of decent jobs she couldn’t even send an application to because of that is enough to make one weep.

On that same note, cell phones and computers? Also necessities. Most jobs have online applications online and require a phone number to be contacted at, ideally one that is mobile and can be responded to at any time day or night. If you want people to have the ability to work themselves out of homelessness and poverty than these are non-negotiable items.

And as far as the TV. TVs are fucking cheap and are pretty much given away by the dozen by middle-class fucks “upgrading” their systems about 12 dozen times and donating the “old models”. I’m not the only one of my poor ass friends who has inherited a decent TV for the rock-bottom price of free from a richer family member donating the hand-me-downs. It’s not the 1950s, they aren’t the luxury items they once were. But thanks for playing this round of Poverty Denialism. Please enjoy our complimentary copy of the home game.

Many of them also eat just about anything they want.

I know, you intend this to be another siren on the general theme of “young bucks buying T-bone steaks”, but it just ends up sounding like “oh, there those poor fucks go, eating again. Who said they were allowed to eat food like they were entitled to it?”

Why? Because of government welfare.

Another thing that might as well not exist thanks to how much you’ve gutted it over the last 30 years.

Thanks for that by the way. All the heart-attacks over possibly going homeless and stretching a $7 food budget for a week has been totally worth you getting to feel like poor people are robbing you by trying to fucking survive your capitalistic hellscape.

Over the past 60 years or so, there has been a major move towards the Welfare State. Even FDR’s New Deal and Lyndon Johnson’s Great Society haven’t lessened poverty. By becoming “daddy” to those it deems needy, government has taken away incentives for people to work harder to pull themselves out of bad circumstances. However, charity isn’t the role of government. Founding Father James Madison said, “The government of the United States is a definite government, confined to specified objects. It is not like the state governments, whose powers are more general. Charity is no part of the legislative duty of the government.”

America became great through self-reliance, hard work, and belief in God. Our demise is due to laziness, dependency on others, and abandonment of God. Like the Israelites in the Old Testament, Americans have forgotten who God is and all that He has done for us. Again, the Declaration of Independence says life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are from God. We have placed more faith in government than in God, which is very dangerous. God says He is a jealous God. (Deut. 5: 9)

Mammon is God! And thou shall not have any Gods before him! Worship his Golden Calfyness or face his wrath!

Furthermore, do we not understand the biblical principle of for those given much, much will be required? In the Parable of the Talents, Jesus tells us that God gives to each of us, according to our ability, and expects us to properly use what we have been given. It also shows that when we don’t use what He has given us, He will take it from us and give it to the one who has made the most use of his abilities.

See, this is one of the big reasons why the whole “Pilgrims are America” crap is so toxic. All the goddamn Calvinist scum running around truly believing all that garbage about those who have inherited wealth being inherently better than those who have not, because our path is “pre-destined” before we were ever born.

If we just never put these fucks on a pedestal in the first place, we could be free of this sick and twisted “morality” and all the inequality it perpetuates.

Jesus concluded the parable, “For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him.” (Matt. 25:14-30) One would think that at the very least we are required to preserve what we have been given. But this parable shows that the one man who simply protected what he had been given had it taken away from him.

Yeah, I’m betting that’s the only parable on that chapter you bother to read seeing as how the other two in Matthew 25 are a story about working your ass off as a virgin to be violated by a lazy fucking polygamist or the famous goats and sheep story that basically spells out what being “profitable” spiritually looks like (you know after all that metaphorical buildup).

But hey, it’s not like I, as an atheist, who only ever read the damn book as a lark, understand it better than the people who claim to treat it as a sacred tome.

For America to remain a free nation, We the People must be grateful for what we have been given, and use this great gift in positive, constructive ways. Because we have been given so much as a nation, we have been given even more prosperity through our collective efforts. As a result, our generosity has been great to other less fortunate countries.

Oh yeah, that whole tenuous Thanksgiving connection. Completely forgot about that amidst all the fail.

And apparently saying you’re super generous precludes any having to actually be generous. Which is going to totally solve my Christmas worries. I’ll just tell people I always buy them fantastic gifts and then I’ll be off the hook for actually having to buy them anything.

Our Founding Fathers pledged their lives, fortunes, and sacred honor to establish America.

Not their sacred honor! That’s like the most sacrificey thing you can sacrifice to your country!

Many of them indeed gave both lives and fortunes for the cause. So today, where are the people willing to pledge their lives, fortunes, and sacred honor, all while relying on God for protection, to make America what Ronald Reagan called the “shining light on a hill?” Where is that level of dedication to a cause as great as perpetuating liberty? If we were planted here as citizens, then we are called to make America a better place, not destroy it – or allow our destruction.

Uh huh, so you’ll be signing on to radically transform America in order to stop our rapid destruction of the planet and the erosion of liberties in the name of fearfully protecting us against-

Oh, this was another one of those “I use buzzword, because I care generically about something… I mean, I want to make my racism and small-mindedness seem noble and brave because deep in my heart I realize I’m a tiny bitter little bigot who would rather see the whole world burn than allow those outside the “correct” demographic have an opportunity to achieve life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” things, wasn’t it?

My bad.

This Thanksgiving, instead of just doing the same old food, family, and football, let’s give serious consideration about what God wants us to do with our lives. Are we using the abilities and “talents” He has given us? Do we acknowledge that God is the Giver of all our gifts, and that only He has the right to take them away? And then, are we using our abilities to grow a stronger America? Or are we allowing enemies of God and freedom to weaken America and curse God?

If our God-given freedoms are removed from us, it is because God allowed it – even commanded it, as He did in the Parable of the Talents. Dear friends, just as God allows us to make our own choices, He will also allow us to suffer the consequences. Thanksgiving is a great time to turn back to God and begin doing what He called us to do with the “talents” He gave each of us. To anyone willing to hear….

Goddy God God McGoddington the God. If I repeat God enough times, maybe you pathetic marks won’t notice that we’ve officially replaced any previous religious connotations for your God with straight up worshiping the right of rich bastards to fleece you like the sheep you are.

Amen.

But seriously, may you have a half-decent Turkey Day (or at least a satisfyingly kinky post-family fuck session once the horrible family members are gone).

And may you be spared bitter old hags like this.


‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. I’m disowned by my family and will be spending the day with my partner’s mom and her super religious hubby. Let’s just say that I’ll be sequestering myself in a room to write smut as often as I am possibly able to. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

329 Comments »

  1. The Dark God of Time, and Sweet Potatoes AKA DA® said,

    November 28, 2013 at 12:07

    Frist!

  2. Athena's Owl, Liz said,

    November 28, 2013 at 15:17

    Second ! Happy turkey day!

  3. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    November 28, 2013 at 15:49

    habitual malcontent bitching about a holiday
    ~

  4. Major Kong said,

    November 28, 2013 at 16:02

    Or are we allowing enemies of God and freedom to weaken America and curse God?

    Wow. Did I wake up in Saudi Arabia this morning?

  5. VCarlson said,

    November 28, 2013 at 16:13

    Oh, dear. That poor woman. What a miserable wretch she must be. I’m sure she poisons the air around her with her mean spirit, too. If only she weren’t so determined to make everyone else as miserable as she. Odd that her family name is so appropriate.

    I have to admit it, though. I, too, am unhappy about some of the changes I’ve been seeing.

    perhaps thinking we would always have them. Consequently, we have become complacent, and run the risk of losing our freedom.

    I’m so old, the public schools at which I got my primary education were better than the private school in town. The private school was for parents who valued their kid’s religious educations over, you know, learning to learn. Also, I got my college education (again, a very good public university) without having to beggar my lower middle class self, though Ronnie and Howie had already made a start at making that difficult.

    I also don’t like the way she and her kind have made such effective and largely uncommented on (outside liberal blogs) inroads in civil rights. I mean, they are no longer even bothering to lie about being against contraception any more, and if they get any more blatant in their hatred of non WASPs, my ears are going to bleed.

    As for this

    America became great through self-reliance, hard work, and belief in God.

    America became “great” because North America had such an enormous wealth of natural resources and room (due, in part, to disease, and also to so many european types being so willing to be lying assholes wrt promises and treaties) that we could afford to make any number of mistakes without really paying for them. It’s only now, after we’ve pillaged our way through many of the resources, and reproduced our way into being too much for the rest of nature to be able to compensate for anymore, that things are getting tight.

    As for the parable of the Talents – I can be very slow, sometimes. My Holy Bible knowledge is sketchy (unprogrammed Quakers in the 60s did not emphasize bible study), but that parable was one I did learn. But I knew what a parable was, and assumed the money (appropriately called “talents,” I thought) was a metaphor for, well, talent, or other gifts one might be lucky enough to have, and the importance of using one’s talents for everyone’s general betterment, not selfishly keeping them to one’s self. It never occurred to me that people were interpreting that story to mean that having money was an indication you were better than those who didn’t have money. Huh.

  6. Major Kong said,

    November 28, 2013 at 16:21

    It never occurred to me that people were interpreting that story to mean that having money was an indication you were better than those who didn’t have money. Huh.

    I believe that’s one of the basic tenants of Calvinism.

    Calvin believed that the “elect” and the damned were predetermined before they were even born. There was no choosing salvation, you were either born into the cool fraternity or you were screwed from the get go.

    One way you could tell who the “elect” were is that, being the cool kids, God would shower them with cool stuff like money.

    I see more than a little bit of Calvin (the religious one not the kid with the tiger) in today’s “God must love me more than you because look how much he’s blessed me with all this cool stuff”.

  7. VCarlson said,

    November 28, 2013 at 17:01

    I believe that’s one of the basic tenants of Calvinism.

    Yeah, that’s my understanding, too. It just blew my mind when I learned that, and, decades later, continue to be amazed that that’s taken seriously by anyone. And, yes, I understand it came out of serious discussions about Teh Will of God, and omniscience, and omnipotence, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. But, really, if your religious belief (as you practice it) basically boils down to “I’ve got mine, fuck you,” I think you ought to take another look.

  8. Failure Artist said,

    November 28, 2013 at 17:20

    When the Pilgrims came to America, the local Native Americans had been decimated by diseases brought by the white people who had beaten them there. The Pilgrims survived by taking stuff from the ghost villages.

    Squanto came back from being kidnapped in Europe to find his people gone, so he got in with another local tribe and helped them deal with the Pilgrims and their magic disease gun.

    You know the whole “plant fish with corn” deal? Squanto learned that from Basque fishermen. Happy Squanto Day!

  9. VCarlson said,

    November 28, 2013 at 17:26

    FA: Better?

  10. Major Kong said,

    November 28, 2013 at 17:27

    Interesting. I thought the natives already knew about the fish-with-corn thing. They also knew to plant beans, corn and squash (the three sisters) together.

  11. Science Goy said,

    November 28, 2013 at 17:28

    If I have to hear another right-winger trot out their ace in the hole about how “those people” claim to be poor, but then you see them all using CELL PHONES…

  12. Failure Artist said,

    November 28, 2013 at 17:34

    I was told by my history professor the planting fish with crops came from the Basque. Possibly it originated independently.

  13. The Dark God of Time AKA DA® said,

    November 28, 2013 at 17:46

    MMMMM, did Basque fishermen grow corn? The standard accounts say that Squanto taught the Puritans a practice that his tribe engaged in with the whole “plant a small fish with a seed of corn” method of agriculture.

  14. Pupienus Maximus said,

    November 28, 2013 at 17:46

    This bint both underappreciates the degree of hardship all those people she doesn’t really care about suffer and also way overestimates the help available. IOW, she lives in fantasyland. She’s afraid of change because she knows, somewhere in the back of her mind, that she lives in fantasyland. She’S afraid of facing reality.

  15. Major Kong said,

    November 28, 2013 at 17:53

    Yeah, cell phones and TVs are relatively cheap. Big fucking deal.

    Houses are expensive and getting more expensive. We call that a “good housing market”. Funny how when anything else gets more expensive we call it “inflation”.

    As housing prices go up, rents also tend to go up. Better have enough cash on hand for first and last month’s rent plus a security deposit.

    Cars aren’t cheap. New cars are expensive and older cars can be expensive to keep running and tend to be less fuel efficient. Gas isn’t cheap. Insurance isn’t cheap. Unless you live in one those rare places with decent public transportation a car is a necessity and it has to be reliable enough that you won’t miss work and lose your job.

    Food is expensive and getting more expensive. Healthy food costs even more.

    I realize I make a fuckton of money but even I know it’s tough to be on the lower end of the economic ladder and it ain’t getting any easier.

  16. El Manquécito said,

    November 28, 2013 at 17:55

    Plus one for bint.

    I tried the plant fish with corn, beans and squash thing as a young experimental historian. All were dug up by critters. If I was a real Indian I would have eaten those critters.

  17. Failure Artist said,

    November 28, 2013 at 17:56

    The Basque had other crops they fertilized with fish.

    Honoring the Pilgrims isn’t nearly as bad as honoring Christopher Columbus. Why the fuck do we honor a genocidal monster who doesn’t even have a connection to North America?

  18. The Dark God of Time AKA DA® said,

    November 28, 2013 at 18:05

    I wouldn’t be surprised if the Basque did plant fish or inedible fish parts with their crops to start them out, but I would be very surprised that Squanto would’ve been taught the practice by Basque fishermen.

  19. Major Kong said,

    November 28, 2013 at 18:05

    Why the fuck do we honor a genocidal monster who doesn’t even have a connection to North America?

    I think the standard retort is “He was a man of his times”.

    Funny how that excuse only applies to white Europeans, and only those with some connection (however vague) to our founding.

    The Spanish get to be good guys when they’re colonizing America (yes I know he was from Genoa but he worked for Spain) but they’re totally bad guys when they’re fighting England.

    The English, as everyone knows, are good guys except when they’re not.

  20. El Manquécito said,

    November 28, 2013 at 18:11

    I don’t celebrate Pilgrims. Too whacko even for Roundheads and always ready for some brutal slut shaming and cheerful witch burning.

  21. The Dark God of Time AKA DA® said,

    November 28, 2013 at 18:12

    Major Kong, there is evidence that Columbus was not only not from Genoa, but that he might’ve been a Catalan, based on analysis of his surviving manuscripts:

    Estelle Irizarry, a linguistics professor at Washington’s Georgetown University, reached that conclusion after examining his writings in detail and discovering a simple but important clue that had escaped other researchers: a slash symbol – similar to the ones used in Internet addresses – that Columbus employed to indicate pauses in sentences.

    That symbol, also known as a virgule, did not appear in texts of that era written in Castilian nor in writings from any other country, but only in records and letters from the Catalan-speaking areas of the Iberian peninsula, namely present-day Catalonia and the Balearic Islands, Irizarry said.

    “The virgules are sort of like Columbus’ DNA. They were a habit of his. Columbus was a punctuator and was one of the few of that era,” the professor and author of 34 books on literature said.

    Irizarry uses that metaphor as the title of her latest book, “Christopher Columbus: The DNA of his Writings,” in which she pored over the language and syntax the Great Navigator used in more than 100 letters, diaries and documents.

    She also found in her research of documents from that era written on the Balearic island of Ibiza that 75 percent contained virgules similar to Columbus’.

    At the end of the 15th century and the beginning of the 16th, authors normally left punctuation for publishers and even Cervantes’ “Don Quixote” was only filled in once and for all with periods and commas in the 19th century, making Columbus’ virgules all the more noteworthy, Irizarry said.

    Her book confirms some of the conclusions drawn by scholar Nito Verdera, who identified many words of Catalan origin in Colon’s writing.

    Irizarry thinks the future explorer grew up in a Catalan-speaking region and that that explains why he did not express himself correctly in Spanish, which would have been his second language.</blockquote

    http://www.laht.com/article.asp?ArticleId=345716&CategoryId=13003

  22. acrannymint said,

    November 28, 2013 at 18:17

    About so called free cell phones. I have long since ceased to be surprised at the laziness of the right when it comes to verify. As to having TV’s etc. I have taken to offering working items that I am replacing here

  23. Major Kong said,

    November 28, 2013 at 18:19

    I don’t celebrate Pilgrims.

    I think Garrison Keillor said “The Pilgrims came here seeking greater restrictions than were possible under English law at the time”.

  24. VCarlson said,

    November 28, 2013 at 18:29

    I seem to remember writing a history paper in Jr. High pointing out the Aztecs were way ahead of the europeans in things like public sanitation, etc. To the “b-b-but human sacrifice!1!!11!!!” I just mentioned the Inquisition.

  25. tigris said,

    November 28, 2013 at 18:33

    What is up with evangelicals spending all their time hanging out with a bunch of people who spend all their time talking at them as if they are some base wretches who need to be learned about the basics of the subculture they’ve been in their entire lives.

    They know she’s not talking to them, they’re the tattletale hearing the teacher scold someone else.

    Aren’t you allowed the right to work in a job of your choosing?

    Poor Matt Walsh just had a coronary.

  26. VCarlson said,

    November 28, 2013 at 18:34

    I think Garrison Keillor said “The Pilgrims came here seeking greater restrictions than were possible under English law at the time”.

    I remember hearing that the Puritans came here because they felt the State Church was far too liberal. Which was pretty much the reason my dad’s grandparents came here.

  27. Pupienus said,

    November 28, 2013 at 18:36

    Those Pilgrims were such like able people the fucking Dutch kicked them out. The Dutch!

  28. VCarlson said,

    November 28, 2013 at 18:46

    The Puritans were Johnny-come-latelies, even for europeans. St. Augustine, FL celebrated its 448th a couple of months ago. Feliz navidad!

  29. Major Kong said,

    November 28, 2013 at 18:55

    It’s funny how the Spanish settlements like St. Augustine and Santa Fe get left out in favor of the Pilgrims. Even Jamestown only gets a brief nod in the history texts.

  30. Failure Artist said,

    November 28, 2013 at 18:58

    The Pilgrims weren’t the same as the Puritans. The Pilgrims wanted to break with the Anglican Church, the Puritans wanted to purify it.

  31. Major Kong said,

    November 28, 2013 at 18:59

    One of them liked to hang Quakers. I think it was the Puritans.

  32. Failure Artist said,

    November 28, 2013 at 19:00

    The Pilgrims weren’t the same as the Puritans. The Pilgrims wanted to break with the Anglican Church, the Puritans wanted to “purify” it.

  33. Austin Loomis said,

    November 28, 2013 at 19:23

    VCarlson skrev:

    I seem to remember writing a history paper in Jr. High pointing out the Aztecs were way ahead of the europeans in things like public sanitation, etc. To the “b-b-but human sacrifice!1!!11!!!” I just mentioned the Inquisition.

    Did you read Gary Jennings’ Aztec, or did you go to his primary sources?

    (“Since God permitted it and the man’s sins deserved it, the flames consumed his body, and of that burning it pleased God that the Aztec should die.”)

  34. VCarlson said,

    November 28, 2013 at 19:30

    Did you read Gary Jennings’ Aztec, or did you go to his primary sources?

    Since that came out in 1980, no. I got it from whatever was available in my local library.

  35. VCarlson said,

    November 28, 2013 at 19:32

    The Pilgrims weren’t the same as the Puritans. The Pilgrims wanted to break with the Anglican Church, the Puritans wanted to “purify” it.

    Sorry for the sloppiness. In my defense, they both begin with “p.”

  36. Failure Artist said,

    November 28, 2013 at 19:36

    It’s okay. Everyone gets it wrong and it’s not likely they were very different. I had to google to remember the difference.

  37. Major Kong said,

    November 28, 2013 at 19:36

    As God is my witness I thought turkeys could fly.

  38. Failure Artist said,

    November 28, 2013 at 19:44

    “not like they were very different”

  39. Gary Ruppert said,

    November 28, 2013 at 20:15

    The fact is, you liberals know nohing of hard work, sacrafice or praise for God. You hate USA so much you should leave it. This is a Holiday for God, and tomorrow is an important day too because it is about the benefets of capitalism, whcih they did not have in CCCP which the liberals wanted USA to be like, we are frre to buy, to live as we wish, and all the liberals want to do with that freedom is take away toe rights of conservatives and christisn.

  40. Nym said,

    November 28, 2013 at 20:54

    [blockquote]So why the fuck do evangelicals put up with it?[/blockquote]

    Because every man jack and woman jill of them have decided that St. Augustine’s call to emulate Christ means “have a huge fucking martyr complex.”

  41. Nym said,

    November 28, 2013 at 20:55

    Phooey, I’ve spent too much time on vBulletin-based boards.

  42. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    November 28, 2013 at 20:59

    re: Teh Pilgrims

    Stacey turned out pretty well.

  43. The Dark God of Time AKA DA® said,

    November 28, 2013 at 21:03

    I Was a Victim of the Fake “Knockout Game” Trend

    But to be clear about something—insofar as there’s supposedly a “game” here where the contestant tries to knock someone out with one punch, that absolutely isn’t what happened. I was knocked down, but definitely not out, and then after that I got kicked a bunch of times. If you’re familiar with the phrase “don’t kick a man while he’s down,” take note—it really hurts quite a bit to be kicked while you’re down. In fact, this substantial deviation from the “rules” of the “game” is a lot of what made getting violently assaulted for no reason such a physically unpleasant experience. But for whatever reason, simply noting that aggravated assaults occur at a pace of more than one per minute nationwide didn’t quite seem good enough. Rather than remarking on man’s cruelty to man as a general phenomenon, it’s more alarming to devise this specific pseudofactual narrative. In other news, at summer camp one time, some boys decided it would be funny to zip this one kid up in his duffle bag and then pretend we were going to toss the bag into the lake. I went along with the “prank.” Another time I participated in a prank that really was a prank, and in retaliation, some of the victims decided that instead of counterpranking they would knock this one kid down and sort of roll him down a steep hill.

    And so it goes—at an expensive summer camp, “boys will be boys.” On the streets of Washington, boys will be part of a trend piece.

    At any rate, violent crime is a terrible thing. I moved to town in 2003, and there were 248 murders that year. Last year, there were just 88 despite population growth. A safer city is a much more pleasant place to live. Beyond the lives saved, it has broad benefits for peace of mind and people’s economic and social development. It’s very unfortunate that we’ve already had 98 murders this year (12 of them from the Navy Yard shooter), though it’s heartening that we’re still below the 108 murders from 2011 or the 132 the year before that. People shouldn’t minimize these concerns about urban violence, but it accomplishes nothing in terms of tackling them to concoct weird trends and games out of thin air.

  44. tsam said,

    November 28, 2013 at 21:26

    Since you asked what I’m thankful for, I’ll tell you.
    I’m thankful that through my intelligence and proper upbringing, I’m not a hateful bigot. I’m thankful that I’m not the only one who takes the idea of “liberty and justice for all” seriously.

  45. Someone Else said,

    November 28, 2013 at 21:43

    “Aren’t you being allowed to chase your dreams, your happiness?”

    I empathize 100% with your response to this question. Thanks for putting words to it. I find it easier (in that it’s almost possible, as opposed to not) to downplay and ignore some of my own problems. Because “Oh, it’s just $20,000 to fix that.” is tantamount to “never gonna happen.”

  46. Anonymous said,

    November 28, 2013 at 21:49

    I am shocked, shocked to discover that a conservative who allegedly loves “family values” is spending his entire Thanksgiving on the internet waging a one-man war against the “Democrat party”.

  47. Enemy of God said,

    November 28, 2013 at 21:50

    are we allowing enemies of God and freedom to weaken America and curse God?

    Curse you, God!

    And fuck your friends Thor, Allah, Jehovah, Ba’al, too!

    Kneel before the wrath of the FSM!

  48. Austin Loomis said,

    November 28, 2013 at 21:53

    Attention Concern Trolling Purist who claims to be “a proud member of the white-guilt liberal contingent”*: changing your nym**, but keeping the link to the same douche-tacular URL about which I already said everything that needs saying, doesn’t fool anyone. If you want people on this blog to believe you, find a truthful, reality-based source (which is to say, a liberal source) that’s saying the same things. I realize that’s like asking you to include a selfie in which you’re walking your pet winged pig, but I would need major intestinal surgery to give any less of a [poo poo].

    (* You can’t be a member, proud or otherwise, of something that has no meaningful existence.
    ** At least, I don’t think that’s the nym you used the last too-many times you posted that Malkinite URL castigating Oliver Willis for having the bad taste to speak the irrefutable truth that “conservatives want their own Trayvon”. Since your previous vowel movements have been cut off and distributed amongst the poor, I’ve no way of confirming or denying, and I managed to forget your previous nym anyway.)

  49. Some guy said,

    November 28, 2013 at 21:54

    Have you ever noticed that the only part of the Bible that is never taken literally is the Golden Rule?

  50. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    November 28, 2013 at 21:59

    “Do unto others before they do unto you”?

  51. Austin Loomis said,

    November 28, 2013 at 22:00

    I see that “Purist” “Liberal” (ni saint, ni romain, ni empire), who carries his bowels in his skull, posted another discharge while I was reacting to the first. Again, I will reply to it with all due respect (by which I mean, I intend every whit of the respect that you are actually due).

    So, by the brand of “logic” that Snooty Concern Troll favors, when tsam calls Charles Kraphammer a Nazi, it’s not a bitter joke about Kraphammer’s insatiable and possibly literal thirst for Arab blood, it’s a hate crime against anyone with a German surname; but, presumably, when John Derbyshire lamented that we’re not like China, so we’re not going to kill Chelsea Clinton before she acts on the criminal mentality she inherited from Bill and Hillary, that was just a harmless joke and not a will-no-one-rid-me-of-this-meddlesome request. In the words of a great American philosopher, “It must be exciting to think that way, but a real drag having to deal with the clinical diagnosis.”

  52. Gag Halfrunt said,

    November 28, 2013 at 22:36

    Vell, Purist Liberal’s just zis guy, you know?

  53. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    November 28, 2013 at 22:46

    It’s interesting to me that the only way to avoid the fire and brimstone-suffer for your sins-God’s punishment hooferaw is by abdicating all personal responsibility as an autonomous individual and surrendering oneself entirely to Teh Lard.

    Lazy shiftless folks are destroying America by choosing to be homeless or whatevers. Their suffering is on them for opting to not be born into the Trust Fund caste. OTOH, if you “choose” instead to never think for yourself and just act as a puppet for some religious leader, blindly following wherever they lead since Teh Bible Tells You So™ – that’s the mark of an adult human being.

    Question for teh Mad Crabb: What if God told me to fuck your mom?

  54. Major Kong said,

    November 28, 2013 at 22:50

    I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires.

    - Susan B. Anthony

  55. The Dark God of Time, AKA DA® said,

    November 28, 2013 at 22:59

    Never do business with a religious son-of-a-bitch. His word ain’t worth a shit — not with the Good Lord telling him how to fuck you on the deal.

    William S. Burroughs

  56. Major Kong said,

    November 28, 2013 at 23:01

    I think Burroughs was onto something. When you see one of those little fish symbols one someone’s business card it’s time to hide your wallet.

  57. El Manquécito said,

    November 28, 2013 at 23:07

    act as a puppet

    I know ‘Meat Puppets’ is taken but I bet ‘Lard Puppets’ is available.

  58. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    November 28, 2013 at 23:14

    Well do I know how treacherous you (the people of Israel) are; you were called a rebel from birth.
    For my own name’s sake I delay my wrath; for the sake of my praise I hold it back from you, so as not to destroy you completely.

    God

  59. Major Kong said,

    November 28, 2013 at 23:22

    Relevant:

    Assorted Fruits of Wrath

  60. Smut Clyde said,

    November 29, 2013 at 0:02

    when tsam calls Charles Kraphammer a Nazi [...] it’s a hate crime against anyone with a German surname
    Imagine how deeply offended I am!

  61. Austin Loomis said,

    November 29, 2013 at 0:07

    Hint for Purest Liar: when I said “find a truthful, reality-based source” above, I very much did not mean “post the exact same race-baiting comment that already got deleted”. You stack of asses.

  62. rodert rudis said,

    November 29, 2013 at 0:21

    Speaking of the little fish symbol on the bumper, dumb me thought it really was about fishing. That it wasn’t a bass or a trout or a red drum, llike those window stickers they give away at Bass Pro or Cabelas, well I thought that it must be a fish unfamiliar to me, some kind of sardine or another because they’re small. Later someone told me what they were about, Jesus feeding the many with a couple of fish. Okay. So they like fish! That’s so cool.

  63. Smut Clyde said,

    November 29, 2013 at 0:40

    Did someone say “fish symbol”?

  64. Smut Clyde said,

    November 29, 2013 at 0:46

    there is evidence that Columbus was not only not from Genoa, but that he might’ve been a Catalan

    You’d have a hard time convincing the Barcelonans that he wasn’t.

  65. El Manquécito said,

    November 29, 2013 at 1:36

    You’d have a hard time convincing the Barcelonans that he wasn’t.

    According to my Catalan Spanish professor (ha!) they invented or discovered everything.

  66. Substance McGravitas said,

    November 29, 2013 at 1:37

    Imagine how deeply offended I am!

    Kraut ROCKED.

  67. The Dark God of Time, AKA DA® said,

    November 29, 2013 at 1:44

    In Too Many Cooks, the main suspect and his daughter are both proud of being Catalan and aren’t Spanish.

    OTOH:

    When Francisco Franco took over Spain in 1939, at the end of the Spanish Civil War, one of the first things he did was to criminalize the use of the Catalan language. Suddenly, all over the province of Catalonia, placards began to appear: “Don’t bark!” they read. “Speak the language of the Spanish empire!” Franco was an ardent nationalist, but mostly he operated from fear. Much of his Republican opposition had originated in Catalonia and been plotted in that region’s sometimes guttural, sometimes musical tongue.

  68. Gary Ruppert said,

    November 29, 2013 at 2:15

    The fact is, Americans needs to speak American. No more kow-towing the line to minorites.

  69. El Manquécito said,

    November 29, 2013 at 2:43

    Kraut ROCKED.

    Gerry MANDERED.

  70. The Dark God of Time, AKA DA® said,

    November 29, 2013 at 3:20

    Karl MARXED.

  71. Jeffraham, Warm Cave (Now w/Ubuntu!) said,

    November 29, 2013 at 3:36

    Yeah, cell phones and TVs are relatively cheap. Big fucking deal.

    I can’t buy a replacement for my 15″ LCD TV. I make about $27k/year.

    Cars aren’t cheap. New cars are expensive and older cars can be expensive to keep running and tend to be less fuel efficient. Gas isn’t cheap. Insurance isn’t cheap. Unless you live in one those rare places with decent public transportation a car is a necessity and it has to be reliable enough that you won’t miss work and lose your job.

    Don’t I know it. Now 7 years, 1 month into carlessness. If not for scooters…
    .

  72. hells littlest angel said,

    November 29, 2013 at 3:36

    The Bush administration put me permanently off this holiday. Fuck Thanksgiving.

  73. Suezboo said,

    November 29, 2013 at 4:15

    Spring morphs into summer.
    Strawberries give way to peaches. Mmm. Watermelons before Christmas. Yum. Apricot jam and quince marmalade. Aah.
    Sometimes, I am thankful I live in a farming community.
    Eat hearty, all you Thanksgivers.

  74. The Dark God of Time, AKA DA® said,

    November 29, 2013 at 4:29

    Apparently, apricots do as well in SA as they do here in California. I just made 10 quarts of apricot jam a couple of weeks ago from fruit and puree that’s been in the freezer since May of this year. Until about a month ago, it was too hot for such cooking, which entails 30 minutes at the stove, then you let it cool down, can it(in jars), and then another 20 minutes to render the contents relatively sterile.

    I’m going to try making that SA coconut pie with apricot jam on the bottom for Christmas this year. As my wife likes to say, We’ll see what’s gonna happen.

  75. Suezboo said,

    November 29, 2013 at 4:45

    Yup, all the SouthWest corners of the continents – Africa, Aus, North America – all Mediterranean.
    Finest kind. That klappertert is pretty good – I’d recommend it.

  76. Ergo said,

    November 29, 2013 at 5:02

    Best wishes, Cerberus. Your rants are righteous, and are one of my favourite reads; so I worry about you being able to be there to write them. The last few seem to be showing some real nasty life stressors. Forgive me if I read to much into them, but my enjoyment has been somewhat guilty and raw lately. So remember that you’re more important than your rants, and that your public can just await a little longer if you need a break – not that I would presume to make the suggestion. Basically, I love you and hope you’ll be OK.

  77. Jeffraham, Warm Cave (Now w/Ubuntu!) said,

    November 29, 2013 at 6:30

    Ask your facetube friends: Are you gay for guns?
    .

  78. not a gator (thank dog!) said,

    November 29, 2013 at 6:53

    Righteous post, all the way through, and I do mean all the way through. Just nodding my head and fist pumping along.

    Squanto learned the fish trick from Basque fishermen? Surely you jest. Fish were used as fertilizer in Eastern Mass maize plantings b/c of the particular nature of the (very shitty–thin, acidic) soil there. They also planted beans in the same field to try to keep the Nitrogen balanced since corn is a N hog and coastal soil is thin, acidic, rocky, etc. I mean, it’s basically sand, rocks, ocean spray (no, really), and rotting pine needles. The More You Know.

  79. Jeffraham, Warm Cave (Now w/Ubuntu!) said,

    November 29, 2013 at 6:58

    Btw, the actress who played Wednesday? Surely she is no longer jailbait. Who’s got a recent pix of her?
    .

  80. not a gator (thank dog!) said,

    November 29, 2013 at 7:01

    Oops, didn’t scan thread much to see responses to Basque thing. History profs have been known to make spurious connections about stuff. Woodrow Wilson once tried to link the resoundingly African (and Bantu) “okay” to the Cherokee language. Of course that was motivated thinking because Negroes. Usually it’s just because a thing looks like another thing and we’re pattern loving monkeys.

    As for the comment: do the Basque grow corn? Well, of course they do, but corn is an old English term for grain, cereal, which of course is only vaguely–as in, they’re monocot grasses, yes–related to maize, also d/b/a Indian corn. Get it? Corn?

    Celtic islanders in the 19th century used to fertilize their corn, which was oats, with smoke-treated thatch. People can get kinda creative about that stuff. Whatever works. Which is to say that it’s not surprising when farm techniques spontaneously appear in different parts of the world simultaneously.

    Or it was aliens. Definitely aliens.

  81. The Dark God of Time, AKA DA® said,

    November 29, 2013 at 7:24

    I was using the term corn in its’ American sense, referring to Zea mays.

  82. Major Kong said,

    November 29, 2013 at 8:23

    That’s Christina Ricci in the picture. If I could figure how to cut and paste on my Android phone I’d paste the link. She’s 33 and quite attractive these days.

  83. Major Kong said,

    November 29, 2013 at 14:31

    Who’s got a recent pix of her?

    For your viewing pleasure JP. Borderline NSFW.

    Christina Ricci all growed up

  84. ng said,

    November 29, 2013 at 14:48

    I had an unsettling Thanksgiving at the home of a pretty right-wing couple I know who are having some marital problems. We were five minutes into dinner when he started ranting about “death panels,” then she pretty much called him a racist and left the table for the rest of the meal. I guess the lesson is, whatever our divisions, on Thanksgiving we are all Americans, from sea to shining sea.

  85. Willy said,

    November 29, 2013 at 14:58

    I always thought the fish symbol thing was weird. I was told it meant “Fisher of Men”, which for me conjures up the image of a dude who lures men to be hooked and gutted, roasted and consumed. [Great, Hannibal Lechter is modeled after Jebus.]

    This is supposedly the fate of beliebers, which seems no less horrible than the fate they say awaits us un-beliebers.

  86. The Dark God of Time, AKA DA® said,

    November 29, 2013 at 15:54

    Twist a pig’s ear, hear him………

    Unsurprisingly, conservative groups instantly put up a big squeal about the IRS rules; after all, they’re the ones who have exploited the murky old rules most assiduously. “These proposed new regulations put the 1st Amendment rights of Americans at even greater risk,” said Jay Sekulow, chief counsel for the conservative American Center for Law and Justice, a big defender of the right of political donors to masquerade as public-spirited philanthropists and remain anonymous to boot. But make no mistake: Organizations across the political spectrum flouted the law, and they were all in the wrong.

  87. Suezboo said,

    November 29, 2013 at 16:10

    Re : Fish.
    The story I heard in my Catholic youth was that the Greek word for fish was the acronym for Jesus, Saviour or summat, so it was used as a secret conspiracy-type deal by the early Christians.
    But nuns lie regularly, so ?

  88. Shakezula said,

    November 29, 2013 at 16:19

    I swear I read the same screed last year. Or possibly last week. They really have nothing original to say and never have.

    Let us give thanks we’re not flat headed assholes.

  89. Failure Artist said,

    November 29, 2013 at 16:34

    The same professor said he has people come up to him all the time saying they’re descended from a Cherokee princess and he feels like saying “no you aren’t.”

    My mom recently pulled the Native American descent card and I don’t know where she got it but I told her the percentage was too minute to matter.

  90. Thread Bear said,

    November 29, 2013 at 16:40

    According to one ancient story, when a Christian met a stranger in the road, the Christian sometimes drew one arc of the simple fish outline in the dirt. If the stranger drew the other arc, both believers knew they were in good company. Current bumper-sticker and business-card uses of the fish hearken back to this practice.
    —Christianity Today, Elesha Coffman, “Ask The Expert”[2]

    I was told this one years ago by someone who was, at the time, trying to recruit me into his church. I pointed out to him that the main reason that the Christians were persecuted was not so much because of Rome’s intolerance, but because of the Christian’s intolerance and insistence that their’s was the one and only God. I also mentioned that once the Christians gained power they had no problem throwing non-Christians to lions on regular basis. Funny how my Sunday school class always skipped over that part. Anyway, he did not seem so keen to drag me to his church after that.

  91. The Dark God of Time, AKA DA® said,

    November 29, 2013 at 16:56

    The nuns weren’t lying to you about this matter, suezboo:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Icthus

  92. Jeffraham, Warm Cave (Now w/Ubuntu!) said,

    November 29, 2013 at 17:06

    That’s Christina Ricci in the picture. If I could figure how to cut and paste on my Android phone I’d paste the link. She’s 33 and quite attractive these days.

    Dang, I knew that at one time! But like a lot of old timers, I have a hard time believing that movie is that old.
    .

  93. Pupienus Maximus said,

    November 29, 2013 at 18:13

    “These proposed new regulations put the 1st Amendment rights of Americans at even greater risk,” said Jay Sekulow, chief counsel for the conservative American Center for Law and Justice, a big defender of the right of political donors to masquerade as public-spirited philanthropists and remain anonymous to boot

    Jay Sekulow hasn’t given much thought to how one can speak silently or perhaps he thinks the first amendment guarantees the right to be used as a sock puppet.

  94. Sirius Lunacy said,

    November 29, 2013 at 18:28

    Ooh:
    http://www.commondreams.org/headline/2013/11/27-4

    I know I’m just dreaming, but Sanders / Warren or Warren / Sanders 2016 sounds good to me.

  95. Shakezula said,

    November 29, 2013 at 18:36

    Jay Sukulow is one of the original grifters. I give him props for longevity in a field that is seriously overcrowded and in the case of people like Palin, far more photogenic.

    Other than that, he’s a big waste of skin.

  96. The Dark God of Time, AKA DA® said,

    November 29, 2013 at 21:57

    This has been a test of the Wingnut Emergency System. It was only a test. We now bring you back to the regularly scheduled commentary.

  97. Major Kong said,

    November 29, 2013 at 23:07

    We now bring you back to the regularly scheduled commentary manufactured outrage

    Fixed.

  98. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    November 29, 2013 at 23:26

    Let’s see if UnicodetoHTML does the job:

    Ίησοῦς Χριστός, Θεοῦ Υἱός, Σωτήρ", (Iēsous Christos, Theou Yios, Sōtēr

  99. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    November 29, 2013 at 23:27

    Anybody but me see Greek?

  100. Substance McGravitas said,

    November 29, 2013 at 23:32

    L|/V¦¢ο∂ε ¢ο/VφL|εя$ /\|_|_.

  101. VCarlson said,

    November 29, 2013 at 23:57

    Anybody but me see Greek?

    I see Greek.

    But no dead people.

  102. Black Athena said,

    November 30, 2013 at 0:48

    The Sahara desert doesn’t exist! “Egypt” is the same as “Africa”. The Greeks stole everything from “Africa”.

  103. Black Athena said,

    November 30, 2013 at 1:04

    I am now chiming in to something that is no longer there, so…ignore.

  104. The Dark God of Time, AKA DA® said,

    November 30, 2013 at 1:09

    It came through in SeaMonkey, which probably means that it did in Firefox and Chrome as well, TVRBoK.

  105. The Very Reverend Jean Shrimpton said,

    November 30, 2013 at 1:14

    Some black person said something that made you mad and we’re supposed to care?

  106. Major Kong said,

    November 30, 2013 at 1:18

    She had hair like Jeannie Shrimpton back in 1965…..

  107. Failure Artist said,

    November 30, 2013 at 1:28

    Egypt is part of Africa. The Ancient Egyptian civilization was an African civilization. There are cultural similarties between them and sub-Saharan cultures such as chair design. The Afro-centrists have that right, if nothing else.

  108. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    November 30, 2013 at 1:40

    @ FA:

    I know, and I confess Black Athena was me. Dennis’ misquote (or made-up quote) of Al Sharpton just reminded me of this academic “Black Athena” crap. Now nobody makes fun of Eurocentrism more than I do, and I believe in giving every civilization its due, but Socrates did not go down to the Congo and rape all their philosophy, honest to dog, he didn’t.

    Egypt was a big influence on Greek civilization, and in so far as Egyptian culture differed from the Semitic-speaking cultures of the Middle East, it was probably by way of influences coming up the Nile corridor along with Nilo-Saharan speakers from the south…but that’s still not Sub-Saharan Africa. I’m very skeptical of cultural influences crossing the Sahara in the timeframe the Afro-centrists talk about, but now it’s basically degenerated into “Anything Greek that originated in or was copied at Alexandria == ‘theft’ from ‘Africa’ “. (Since Alexandria was located on the continent of Africa as currently defined.)

  109. St. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    November 30, 2013 at 1:48

    You’re a lying sack of shit, Pennis. Fuck Off And Die.

  110. Substance McGravitas said,

    November 30, 2013 at 1:53

    I suspect George Zimmerman would shoot Djoser.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Djoser

    The Nubian Museum was really really good for Egypt. Web-site’s not very image-heavy though.

    http://www.numibia.net/nubia/intro.htm

  111. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    November 30, 2013 at 2:03

    Hey, if George Zimmerman saw the 12 Apostles hanging around in a suspicious manner, he’d mow them all down and get off again. The only question would be if they were Crips or Bloods.

  112. The Dark God of Time, AKA DA® said,

    November 30, 2013 at 2:04

    Well, we all know it went downhill after Cleopatra was in bed with Hepatitis.

  113. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    November 30, 2013 at 2:07

    I suspect George Zimmerman would shoot Djoser.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Djoser

    Well, Djoser may have been a darky, but I’m sure Imhotep was a blond guy!

  114. John Fugelsang said,

    November 30, 2013 at 2:08

    You know, Jesus never asked a leper for a co-pay.

  115. Failure Artist said,

    November 30, 2013 at 2:10

    The Ancient Egyptians were awesome enough that we don’t need to paste Ancient Greek achievments onto their list for them to be considered a great civilization Africa can be proud of.

    There should be more attention paid to the West Africa’s great civilizations, since most African-Americans (slave-descended, not recent) came from them. Too many people believe the slaves came from primitive Stone Age tribes and not kingdoms with advance blacksmith skills.

  116. Failure Artist said,

    November 30, 2013 at 2:56

    Ah, again with the argument that Trayvon deserved to die because he smoked pot and thought about getting high off of cough syrup.

    And yes, Dennis, I know your bigger point is Trayvon deserved to die for allegedly curb-smashing Zimmerman so bad it left barely any injuries. But do you have to bring marijuana into it as if that’s such a terrible crime? Jesus and his followers drank despite criticism, maybe they would have blazed too if they had the chance.

  117. Austin Loomis said,

    November 30, 2013 at 4:24

    …see, this is the only reason why deleting troll-scat is a Bad Thing™. Without a record of his actual words, we have only our own memories to tell us whether Pennis has actually said that Trayvon deserved to die. That said, given my experience of Pennis, I’m sure that even if he didn’t say it outright, he at least smarmily implied it in a way that made it at least as hard for any honest person to deny his meaning as it would be for anyone not a lawyer to say exactly where that meaning was expressed.

  118. Major Kong said,

    November 30, 2013 at 4:41

    Did not!
    Did too!
    Did not!
    Did too!
    Did not!
    Did too!
    Did not!
    Did too!

  119. Major Kong said,

    November 30, 2013 at 4:46

    Wait! I’ve got it! Let me just fire up my right-wing echo chamber here:

    Some people say that Dennis said Trayvon deserves to die.

    We report, you decide.

  120. St. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    November 30, 2013 at 5:22

    Never once said it or implied it. Only reported the facts of the case.

    “Facts” like lies about somebody “jumping” George Zimmerman or “smashing” his head against the sidewalk? With no effect until it was needed, days later? Nice try, Pennis.

  121. St. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    November 30, 2013 at 5:33

    I’ve seen the fucking video, asshole. So have you. The fact that the jury wasn’t allowed to see it doesn’t mean shit. IT NEVER HAPPENED!!!!!!

  122. Pupienus Maximus said,

    November 30, 2013 at 5:45

    Oh for fuck sake, is it STILL going on about the KKK vigilante psycho?

  123. VCarlson said,

    November 30, 2013 at 5:56

    Oh for fuck sake, is it STILL going on about the KKK vigilante psycho?

    And Obamacare. Never forget Obamacare.

  124. VCarlson said,

    November 30, 2013 at 6:33

    The Obamacare!!!11! steamwhistle is the tell that it’s really all about scaryblackman and/or Democrat in the White House. If Obamacare were single payer or had a public option as part of it, there could be room for doubt. But since Obamacare is Romneycare is a big gift tothe health insurance industry, well, not so much.

  125. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    November 30, 2013 at 7:04

    Jeebus, if this very mild insurance reform, about a quarter of the way from here to Switzerland, sends them into such paroxysms of rage, what would single-payer have done? I say it’s worth the experiment.

    Actually, I think single-provider, like the UK (used to be) or the VA, is the only ethically defensible system.

  126. Captain Ned, H.M.S. The Raging Queen said,

    November 30, 2013 at 10:58

    Yeah, we guys and girls, cis and trans, really are getting a shellacking from the problems with Obamacare

    Not.

    If there’s one article you want to read today about Obamacare, it’s this one. It’s basic polling information about the public’s current thinking on the law, which shows once again that the general public is seriously out of touch with the DC consensus. 54% of voters are confident the problems with the law will be worked out. And while 58% currently disapprove of the law, 14% of those disapprove because it’s not liberal enough. So it’s not at all the case that a sizable majority want to go back to the bad old system. Those folks are clearly in the minority.

    It’s fair to say that you can’t just credit single-payer and public option advocates as de facto Obamacare supporters. Indeed, a subset of this group is among the most vitriolic opponents because they see Obamacare as a cop-out compared to the real solution which is Single Payer. But to resurrect some archaic terminology it’s probably fair to say they are objectively pro-Obamacare (yes, I’m being a little cheeky) when you look through the prism of support for going back to the old system. These folks are never going to support going back.

  127. Fenwick in Cranky Mode said,

    November 30, 2013 at 12:48

    single-provider, like the UK (used to be) or the VA, is the only ethically defensible system.

    This.

    One shudders to think how bad Obama would’ve prostituted himself trying to push through single payer. He never would have, but if he had, think how bad he would’ve fucked that up compared to the colossal mess he made with his one single signature piece of legislation.

    And this.

    It’s fair to say that you can’t just credit single-payer and public option advocates as de facto Obamacare supporters. Indeed, a subset of this group is among the most vitriolic opponents because they see Obamacare as a cop-out compared to the real solution which is Single Payer.

    And this.

    Single-payer WORKS. I know that from experience in the VA healthcare system.

    Obama took single-payer off the table before he even STARTED ‘negoitiating’. Then he abandoned the public option and Medicare-for-all. So he (and we) ended up with a timid, marginal, tinker-around-the-edges Rube Goldberg deeliebob that was rolled out with unbelievable incompetance.

    Yes, the rollout will be fixed. Yes, the ACA is better than what was there before it. Yes, the pre-existing conditions crap is–hopefully–gone. But you can sign me up with the 14% who disapprove of it because it’s not liberal enough. The ACA was a hugely-botched opportunity when the Democratic Wing of the Corporate Party controlled (1) the Presidency, (2) the House of Representatives, and (3) the Senate. They even had the magical 60-vote supermajority.

    And I don’t want to hear weak-tea excuses about the intransigence of the Republican Wing, either. Criminiy, if the Democratic Wing had an ounce of backbone, they would have nuked the Senate ‘supermajority’ at the START of Obama’s first term for both appointments and legislation.

    Jeez, I hope Bernie runs. I’ve voted for him twice already and I’m gonna vote for him again (whether he runs or not). But I hope he runs. (And if he does, I guarantee it will be as an Independent, so screw the Clinton steamroller with a rusty harpoon; Sanders won’t be silenced by the end of a primary season. And it’s not gonna be easy for the MSM to freeze a sitting Senator out of the debates.

    Jeez, I hope Bernie runs.

  128. Sirius Lunacy said,

    November 30, 2013 at 14:06

    One shudders to think how bad Obama would’ve prostituted himself trying to push through single payer. He never would have, but if he had, think how bad he would’ve fucked that up compared to the colossal mess he made with his one single signature piece of legislation.

    While I agree that getting single payer passed would have been quite ugly under current circumstances, I heartily disagree that it would be any where near as messy to put in to practice as the ACA. There would be far fewer players and moving parts involved in a single payer system. It would have been a far simpler law to write and a far simpler law to enact. The conservatives like to point to how many pages there are in the ACA and what a crazy, complicated bill it is. Of course, the bulk of those pages have to with compromises and exceptions and exemptions that those self same conservatives insisted must be in the bill in the first place.

  129. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    November 30, 2013 at 14:14

    Actually, single-payer could have been implemented with a stroke of the pen (well, two)—in the current Medicare law, where it says the minimum age is 65, cross that out and write in “zero”–done and done.

  130. Shakezula said,

    November 30, 2013 at 19:58

    Yeah that would be so easy. I mean Medicare doesn’t cover a lot of things because it is for people who are age 65 and older (with some very rare exceptions for people with end stage renal disease) and it specifically excludes coverage of abortion even though the chances of a Medicare recipient needing one are really slim but some Republican fuckhole had to make a statement. And services for pediatric patients? Not in there. Guess why.

    But just changing the age to Zero would have done something and the fact that sorting out little things like how to get the infrastructure needed to support all of those new beneficiaries would take a few years would be ok because someday everyone would have coverage under Medicare.

    Yeah.

  131. Captain Ned, H.M.S. The Raging Queen said,

    November 30, 2013 at 21:48

    Well, shit, I was going to flash a roll that would choke a Clydesdale horse walking in Brooklyn this afternoon, guess I’ll do it in Queens instead.

  132. Major Kong said,

    November 30, 2013 at 21:50

    Must have been hipsters. Brooklyn’s overrun with hipsters these days.

  133. Pupienus said,

    November 30, 2013 at 22:00

    Brooklyn’s overrun with hipsters these days.

    And Hasidim. Don’t forget the Hasidim.

  134. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    November 30, 2013 at 22:28

    Must have been hipsters. Brooklyn’s overrun with hipsters these days.

    Han Lee (About his new Karaoke Night at the diner): “Hipsters like karaoke!”

    Max Black: “OK, replace the word ‘like’ with the word ‘Hitler’, and you have the three worst things ever!”

  135. Fenwick said,

    November 30, 2013 at 22:57

    Wasn’t black Friday the companion of Robinson Crusoe?

  136. Captain Ned, H.M.S. The Raging Queen said,

    November 30, 2013 at 23:08

    Where did Robinson Crusoe go with Friday on Saturday night?

  137. St. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    November 30, 2013 at 23:31

    Liberal dog-whistle whisperers can’t be arsed to speak out.

    Geez—somebody is inspired (or paid) to imitate a phenomenon made up by Faux Noise by a “rally” to “protest” that very made-up thing. I’m shocked!

  138. Major Kong said,

    December 1, 2013 at 0:24

    does not equal the very real possibility that he very easily could’ve believed his life was in danger when he pulled his gun got out of bed that morning, and pretty much every other day of his miserable cowardly life.

    Fixed it for ya.

  139. St. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    December 1, 2013 at 0:47

    There was not a mark on him asshole. You know that. You’ve seen that! STFU!!!

  140. Conservative Without Brains® said,

    December 1, 2013 at 1:12

    Yeah, DA, he fell and hit his head but lied about having the back of his head pummeled into the pavement by TM. How fortunate for him a witness just happened to come forward saying he saw that.

    From a distance, and the EMT said that the wounds weren’t severe enough to require stitches like, if you know, there had been a real pounding of the back of his head to the ground.

    But hey, your hero threatened a pregnant woman with a shotgun. I can see why you’re attracted to him like flies are to shit.

  141. J Neo Marvin said,

    December 1, 2013 at 1:27

    OK, so our old LLLLLLL troll The Truth was just an earlier incarnation of Dennis all along, wasn’t he? Pull out an isolated incident (or a completely made-up one), cherry-pick the Internet for random inflammatory quotes or misquotes, and weave it into an all-encompassing Unified Theory of the Violent Depravity of Those People. Same old shit, year in, year out. Bookmark it, libs.

  142. J Neo Marvin said,

    December 1, 2013 at 1:30

    I wish The Fool would come back just to give us a break in the monotony.

  143. J Neo Marvin said,

    December 1, 2013 at 1:31

    But what we really want to know is, what’s your opinion on punk rock?

  144. J Neo Marvin said,

    December 1, 2013 at 1:33

    Say, I hear you’re a blues guitar virtuoso with an innovative sexual technique you practice with your Canadian girlfriend. Please share your wisdom with us.

  145. J Neo Marvin said,

    December 1, 2013 at 1:47

    J Neo, I’m ten times better at this than you found ever hope to be. You cannot win. Your efforts are appreciated, though.

    You’re ten times better at boring the fuck out of everyone here and getting your comments deleted in the wink of an eye, I admit.

  146. J Neo Marvin said,

    December 1, 2013 at 2:14

    And that’s it for my engaging and/or snarking about the troll. Just trying to keep the thread alive on this tryptophan-sedated Saturday.

  147. Fenwick said,

    December 1, 2013 at 2:33

    I wish The Fool would come back just to give us a break in the monotony.

    Or howsabout Coach Urban Meyer, you looney libs? At least Da Cool Coach had a tiny, tiny sliver of style, whereas the current house troll is compensating for his tiny, tiny pennis.

    Also, thanx again to Sadlyburg’s vigilant Border Patrol for prompt deletion of the house troll’s brane-dead screeds and copypasta blizzard.

  148. Gary Ruppert said,

    December 1, 2013 at 2:47

    The fact is, I’m ir regular here just like my comrade-in-arms Dennis. None of you lieberals ever talk about Bengazy because you mindlessly march to the orders of The One, the muslin imp oster from Ken ya who stoll the White House not once but twice. Obamacare will reck this great country and you llieberals don’t give a hott.

  149. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    December 1, 2013 at 3:10

    I resent the implication that I’m Fake Gary. He’s been phoning it in lately.

  150. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    December 1, 2013 at 3:50

    You are truly an imbecile, Pennis—but we all knew that.

  151. Fenwick said,

    December 1, 2013 at 3:59

    Tryptophan is one of the lost comedies of Aristophanes; only a partial and fragmentary synopsis survived the burning of the Library of Alexandia.

    Tryptophan–elder son of Diabetes and Hypoglycemia, the king and queen of Deltoid–commits an unnatural act with Ibuprofen, a goat. Tryptophan is therefore exiled to Plutonium, where he falls in love with the nymph Cialis who rescues him from the merciless tyrant Epiglottis.

    Meanwhile, Tryptophan’s inept younger brother Bronchitis plots to usurp the Deltoid throne with aid from Plistocene, a rich merchant, and Petraeus, the village idiot.

    Then Photosynthesis, goddess of sweat, descends from Olympus and silliness ensues.

  152. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    December 1, 2013 at 4:14

    I liked on Titus when Chris’ mother got out (i.e. escaped) from the mental hospital and made Thanksgiving dinner. She went off her meds and put them in the food instead.

    Chris’ brother: “What’s that thing in turkey that makes you sleepy?”

    Answer: “Tryptophan”.

    “Oh, right”.

    Few seconds later: same question, same answer.

    Few seconds later still,

    Chris: “Hey, tryptophan don’t make your legs numb!”

    Face down into his mashed potatoes.

  153. Austin Loomis said,

    December 1, 2013 at 4:25

    J Neo Marvin skrev:

    But what we really want to know is, what’s your opinion on punk rock what are your thoughts on yaoi?

    FTFY.

  154. Austin Loomis said,

    December 1, 2013 at 4:33

    Alternative:

    But what we really want to know is, what’s your opinion on punk rock Do you know what the queers are doing to our soil?

    (You know? I like you, Stuart Dennis. You’re not like the other people here in the trailer park.)

  155. Major Kong said,

    December 1, 2013 at 5:08

    Tryptophan was good but I don’t think it was Nirvana’s best album.

  156. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    December 1, 2013 at 5:10

    Thiotimoline will send you back for seconds.

  157. Anonymous said,

    December 1, 2013 at 6:27

    Hi Fenwick. Hope you get this. I can’t figure the Sadly time frame (it is now 11:24 pm on Sat in NYC and you’re post says 3:59) but Sadly is saying 6:17 WHAT?? Anyhow. Nice to see you again.

  158. Bitter Scribe said,

    December 1, 2013 at 6:28

    I’m grateful that 1) I don’t have to depend on private charity and 2) I’m not stupid enough to believe that it’s a substitute for an adequate government safety net.

  159. Jeffraham, Warm Cave (Now w/Ubuntu!) said,

    December 1, 2013 at 6:39

    even where some of the regulars here have dumped a blatant turd at a conservative site, they more than often leave it up.

    Ha!
    .

  160. Jeffraham, Warm Cave (Now w/Ubuntu!) said,

    December 1, 2013 at 6:48

    I’d like to visit Troll Watch’s universe, some time. Just for laughs.
    .

  161. Jeffraham, Warm Cave (Now w/Ubuntu!) said,

    December 1, 2013 at 6:51

    It might be like acid.
    .

  162. Fenwick said,

    December 1, 2013 at 7:17

    Jeffraham: I’m assuming you are refering to the hallucinogen … because it provides such a weirdly warped view of reality.

    Anon: Hiya! I have never understood Sadly time. I’m sure our Overlords could esplane it.

  163. Helen said,

    December 1, 2013 at 7:20

    Oh wait – that was me, Helen; Fenwick. Not ananymous

  164. J Neo Marvin said,

    December 1, 2013 at 7:35

    I believe the time discrepancy is because Sadly No is the product of fine German engineering.

  165. Jeffraham, Warm Cave (Now w/Ubuntu!) said,

    December 1, 2013 at 8:38

    I’m assuming you are refering to the hallucinogen … because it provides such a weirdly warped view of reality.

    Nudge-nudge, wink-wink!
    .

  166. Whale Chowder said,

    December 1, 2013 at 9:27

    the muslin imp oster

    Imp Oysters: band name?

  167. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    December 1, 2013 at 9:46

    The Blah Imp Oster Cult. That’s what we loony libs belong to.

  168. Smut Clyde said,

    December 1, 2013 at 9:52

    Liberal dog-whistle whisperers can’t be arsed to speak out.

    I have said this before, and I am disappointed to have to say it again: The “can’t be arsed” construction takes a gerund rather than an infinitive.

    Write out 200 times, “Liberal dog-whistle whisperers can’t be arsed speaking out”.
    Or alternatively, if you were concerned with making some sense, “Colorless green ideas can’t be arsed sleeping furiously“.

  169. Bartleby the Scrivener said,

    December 1, 2013 at 10:14

    I can’t be arsed doing that.

  170. Ivan Oblomov said,

    December 1, 2013 at 10:16

    I can’t be arsed getting out of bed this morning.

  171. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    December 1, 2013 at 13:29

    Read every last word.

    Oh, please, give us some more orders, asshole. You’re so butch!

    the worst act of government mayhem since FDR’s National Recovery Act.

    Anyone whose opinion of the NRA is negative is living in a parallel universe with no connection to our own.

  172. Major Kong said,

    December 1, 2013 at 13:41

    And here I was so looking forward to being denied coverage because that sniffle I had when I was 4 counts as a preexisting condition.

  173. St. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    December 1, 2013 at 13:50

    Battleaks, you’re far more eloquent when you do your Gary Ruppert bit.

    Your literary sense is as fucked-up as your politics, you pilonidal cyst. On the other hand, your style is much more natural as “justiceisserved”. You should be yourself more often.

  174. St. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    December 1, 2013 at 14:14

    You are demonstrably justiceisserved. I am demonstrably not Gary, Real or Fake. You have no idea of the difference between Real Gary and Fake Gary, do you, you pathetic little attention slut? You’re never going to be allowed in the club with the Kewl Kidz™, so give it up.

  175. St. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    December 1, 2013 at 14:25

    You have posted many times as justiceisserved. Many, many times. I have never posted as Gary, Real or Fake. Your pathetic delusion that there is some kind of hot tub party that you are so desperate to be included in is what I was making fun of. You are the most brainless fucker I’ve ever encountered anywhere. Go scrape the bottom of the septic tank to find some more right-wing ooze to copy and paste. I’m sure the latest revelation from the tapeworms in that cesspool will convert all of us.

  176. St. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    December 1, 2013 at 14:47

    You are justiceisserved. Why do you want to deny it? Own your repulsive racism. It drips from every one of your postings under any of your nyms. You are not smarter than anybody, you nematode. I don’t know whether your brain has been destroyed by reading the right-wing crap you vomit out on here, or whether your mental dysfunction just led you to that maelstrom of putrescent filth, and I don’t care—but you can take it to the bank: You are not smarter than a.n.y.o.n.e. You are an imbecile, a cretin, and you’d better get back to work or your manager will get upset at you using the free WiFi at the Macdonald’s you work at.

  177. St. Dragon-King Ruppert said,

    December 1, 2013 at 15:03

    The fact is, let’s just ignore him. His arguments aren’t even internally consistent – for example – does DA suck up to the lie-beral hot tub elite, or is he shunned here because he continues to engage with the pathetic shmuck despite numerous requests to stop? It’s both! Because in Trolly McTrollpants’ world nothing means anything from one moment to the next. By arguing his “points” you show that you care more about them than he does. Note – I am not saying that you are just encouraging him or giving his “arguments” more legitimacy than they deserve. I am pointing out that he has zero invested in his own bilge-spew. You can’t prove him wrong because even he doesn’t believe the garbage he says.

    The fact is, he’s slightly less comprehensible than a poorly seeded Janus node.

  178. St. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    December 1, 2013 at 15:06

    Ask yourself why you deny being justiceisserved. Why are you ashamed of it? I mean, a normal person with a conscience would be ashamed, but you’re not a normal person with a conscience. Why deny your true self? Everything you post is racist in one way or another, so your saying you “Never once posted anything racist” is so laughable it’s giving me pleurisy.

    I don’t look down on most Macdonald’s employees, asshole—just you.

  179. St. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    December 1, 2013 at 15:10

    Yeah, you’re right, DKW. I’m through with him for the day. I’ve got actual shit to do. This latest delusion that he can distract from the transparent obviousness of his being justiceisserved by accusing me (!) of being Fake Gary is just so pathetic I had to poke the slimeworm with a stick a couple of times.

  180. Jennifer said,

    December 1, 2013 at 17:07

    You know what else no one does? They don’t write whole paragraph-long blog comments minutely dissecting the writing style of other blog commentators. Only big time losers do that. No one does that, no one except you.

  181. Pupienus Maximus said,

    December 1, 2013 at 18:20

    HAHAHAHAHAHA Pennis is smearing shit on his face again.

  182. Matt said,

    December 1, 2013 at 18:42

    “By becoming “daddy” to those it deems needy, government has taken away incentives for people to work harder to pull themselves out of bad circumstances.”

    Ms. Crabb is doing the blind squirrel routine here – she’s managed to hit on the right point, even though she has no idea what it is.

    Clearly, the only sensible alternative for poor folks facing the shitty behavior of the 1% is to fall back on the one corrective remedy available since time immemorial: BANDITRY. Maybe after the Hamptons have been looted and put to the torch we can have a more sensible conversation about helping the needy.

  183. Major Kong said,

    December 1, 2013 at 18:46

    Maybe after the Hamptons have been looted and put to the torch we can have a more sensible conversation about helping the needy.

    It’s all good fun until someone gets their head on top of a pike.

  184. Failure Artist said,

    December 1, 2013 at 19:06

    Too bad it’s only stupid slightly-less-rich teenagers with cameras robbing the homes of the Super Rich these days.

    (Note: do not rob any homes)

  185. The Dark God of Time, AKA DA® said,

    December 1, 2013 at 20:37

    robbing the homes of the Super Rich these days.

    For their first celebrity target, Prugo claims that he and Lee asked themselves, “Who would leave a door unlocked? Who would leave a lot of money lying around?”, and chose Paris Hilton because they figured she was “dumb.”[16]

  186. St. Dragon-King Ruppert said,

    December 1, 2013 at 20:38

    BANDITRY

    Vote for Matt. He will take a STAND for the cause and DELIVER on his promises.

  187. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    December 1, 2013 at 20:39

    Oops. Forgot to fix teh nym.

    Anyways – Vote for Matt! His platform reached for the sky!

  188. Substance McGravitas said,

    December 1, 2013 at 20:45

    The thing about looting is that the really greedy looters make out best. There should be some rules or something.

  189. The Dark God of Time, AKA DA® said,

    December 1, 2013 at 20:47

    I aim for the stars, but sometimes I hit London.

    Wernher Von Braun

  190. Smut Clyde said,

    December 1, 2013 at 22:08

    There should be some rules or something.

    And orderly queues.

  191. Failure Artist said,

    December 1, 2013 at 22:25

    When I think about if I was rich I think of things like being able to go to Starbuck’s anytime I wanted without thinking about the price or donating to every cause I find. I’m like the singer in BNL’s “If I Had a Million Dollars”. Money can buy the freedom to not to think about money.

  192. J Neo Marvin said,

    December 1, 2013 at 22:29

    Once rockets go up, who cares where they come down?
    That’s not my department, says Wernher Von Braun.

  193. Whale Chowder said,

    December 1, 2013 at 23:49

    Can’t be arsed ordering my Qs. Let the letters fall where they may!

    And let the tumbrels roll. Start them at the eastern tip of Long Island.

  194. Pupienus Maximus said,

    December 2, 2013 at 0:13

    I saw an orderly queue in the hospital cafeteria.

  195. Noah Webster said,

    December 2, 2013 at 0:18

    Looting is what you do to the Koch brothers. When forcibly take their loot.

    Pillaging is what you do to Rush Limbaugh. When you forcibly take his pills.

  196. Fenwick said,

    December 2, 2013 at 1:32

    I am demonstrably not Gary, Real or Fake. You have no idea of the difference between Real Gary and Fake Gary, do you, you pathetic little attention slut?

    For the record, I did the Fake Gary at 2:47. The Rev Battleaxe said I was mailing it in. I tried … but I put in way too many errors. I should have trimmed it down. Let me try again:

    The fact is, I’m a regular here like my comrade-in-arms Dennis. You lieberal sdefend Obamacare because you mindlessly march to the orders of The One, the muslim imp oster who stole the White House not once but twice. Obamacare will wreck this great country and you don’t give a hot.

    Much more plausible. The first spacing error sets up the ‘imp oster’ joke. All the spelling is correct except “hot’ at the very end. (Always leave ‘em laughing…) Finally, Fake Gary is more focused: He’s pissed off by Obamacare, adding only a soupcon of Birth Certificate and ACORN craziness.

    I’ll get better. I’ve learned much from the excellent work of other Fake Garys.

  197. Fenwick said,

    December 2, 2013 at 1:41

    Actually, I should have cut the reference to Dennis, too. Hey, I’m still learning the craft of being Fake Gary.

  198. St. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    December 2, 2013 at 1:56

    My apologies, Fenwick—I wasn’t really dissing your last post as Fake Gary. The run of Fake Gary posts the last year or two have been pretty miserable in quality compared with some of the previous gems—that’s all I was really pointing out. That was actually pretty good, especially as revised.

  199. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    December 2, 2013 at 1:59

    I myself have tried one or two (Not the real) Lunch Lady posts, but just can’t achieve the distilled pithiness of the real thing.

  200. Fenwick said,

    December 2, 2013 at 3:23

    Thanks Rev. I didn’t take it as dissing my effort … but as part of your scathing reply to the knucklehead who didn’t even know the difference between Real Gary and Fake Gary.

    I may try my hand again at Fake Gary … but I’ll polish it before I send it!

  201. Major Kong said,

    December 2, 2013 at 4:13

    We haven’t done food pron in a while:

    I had some elk shoulder in the freezer so I braised it in white wine with onion, green onion, shitake mushrooms, dried figs, and a dry rub made from new mexico chilis, fennel seed and juniper berries.

    It didn’t suck.

  202. Gary Ruppert said,

    December 2, 2013 at 4:18

    The fact is their is no fake Gary. Their is no one real Gary. Their is a little Gary Ruppert in all of us. We are all Gary Ruppert deep down in our conservative, socialest-hating core.

  203. Fakey-fake Gary Ruppert the fake said,

    December 2, 2013 at 4:25

    We are all Gary Ruppert, defending conservatism in our own way.

  204. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    December 2, 2013 at 5:57

    Nothing exotic on the food front here, but I did make a turkey yesterday (we let the niece whose house we went to on Thursday do the Thanksgiving day turkey). Thanks to Bridget on America’s Test Kitchen I made a salt-pepper-herb-butter paste and got it in under the skin all over, then roasted it upside down halfway through, turned it the last half. One hell of a turkey if I do say so.

  205. Major Kong said,

    December 2, 2013 at 6:12

    So the roasting upside down thing really works?

  206. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    December 2, 2013 at 6:21

    Major—

    Yeah, it keeps the breast from getting overdone and too dark, and a lot of the juice from the fattier dark meat runs down into it during the first half. Works a treat.

    Only problem was, this was a really big turkey and I came within an ace of dropping it while turning it over. It’s better to stick with 12-14 pound turkeys for that, unless you’ve got bigger tongs than I do.

  207. Some Prestonian Evening said,

    December 2, 2013 at 6:22

    So the roasting upside down thing really works?

    Bridget don’t play, yo.
    .

  208. Some Prestonian Evening said,

    December 2, 2013 at 6:24

    unless you’ve got bigger tongs than I do

    Now there is a low bar if I ever seed one.
    .

  209. Major Kong said,

    December 2, 2013 at 6:30

    unless you’ve got bigger tongs than I do

    Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.

  210. King Tong said,

    December 2, 2013 at 6:51

    I just don’t see the humor here.

  211. Gary Ruppert said,

    December 2, 2013 at 15:05

    Nym-jacking is not cool.

  212. Pupienus Maximus said,

    December 2, 2013 at 19:07

    Winter white truffles – tuber oregonense – are appearing but all I found this weekend are immature yet. Black truffles – Leucangia carthusiana – won’t be ready for a month yet. Maybe next week I can find some ripe white truffles. Also hedgehog shrooms should be plentiful soon.

  213. Mawan said,

    December 2, 2013 at 19:09

    Nice,, happy man,, greeting from me :) cool

  214. The Dark God of Time, AKA DA® said,

    December 2, 2013 at 19:16

    Terima kasih kerana menghantar sini.

  215. Suezboo said,

    December 2, 2013 at 19:21

    Pups, do you and Teh Ho go out in the woods with your little baskets or do you get them at the marmers farket?

  216. The Dark God of Time, AKA DA® said,

    December 2, 2013 at 19:37

    but all I found this weekend are immature yet.

    It sounds like he goes hunting for the truffles, I assume he doesn’t employ a pig or dog in the process as they do in Europe.

  217. Pupienus said,

    December 2, 2013 at 20:03

    I hunt them for fun and profit. A new law took effect last month that requires truffle hunters to have a dog, at least on public lands. Feckin people would go out and rake indiscriminately, wreaking havoc with the biome. There’s a loophole in that the dog isn’t required to hunt truffles, you just have to have a dog with you so i’m sure we’ll still see forest killers.

  218. Pupienus said,

    December 2, 2013 at 20:05

    We don’t use pigs because it’s hard to be stealthy with or hide a pig. People see you heading out with a pig, they’re gonna follow you and horn in on your truffle action.

  219. Major Kong said,

    December 2, 2013 at 20:30

    “Truffle Season!”
    “Duck Season!”
    “Truffle Season!”
    “Duck Season!”
    “Truffle Season!”
    “Duck Season!”

  220. tsam said,

    December 2, 2013 at 20:41

    People see you heading out with a pig, they’re gonna follow you and horn in on your truffle action.

    If I saw you leading a pig into the woods, truffle hunting isn’t what I’d think you were up to…

  221. Major Kong said,

    December 2, 2013 at 20:44

    Squeal like a hog………er………hog.

  222. Substance McGravitas said,

    December 2, 2013 at 20:53

    I recommend Toaster Strudels over Pop-Tarts. The extra effort in the kitchen is worth it.

  223. Pupienus said,

    December 2, 2013 at 21:04

    Eeewww. They’re each bad enough on their own but strudels over pop tarts?!?! Yech.

  224. Substance McGravitas said,

    December 2, 2013 at 21:27

    If you don’t prefer hand-squeezed icing straight from the packet I pity you.

  225. The Dark God of Time, AKA DA® said,

    December 2, 2013 at 21:31

    Strudels uber alles!

  226. tsam said,

    December 2, 2013 at 21:36

    Processed breakfast foods are where the market is going, Pup. It’s about choice. Just let it happen.

  227. tsam said,

    December 2, 2013 at 21:38

    I do love those strudel thingies, but I’m hoping that science can develop a means to heat them evenly. Having one 3″ x 5″ bit of food that ranges from frozen to scalding hot seems like an engineering feat on its own.

  228. bbkf said,

    December 2, 2013 at 21:41

    re: knockout game

    if it wasn’t real would the world’s most belovedcomic strip meddler be a victim?

  229. Substance McGravitas said,

    December 2, 2013 at 21:43

    Doug Giles will never be a victim!

  230. Suezboo said,

    December 2, 2013 at 21:53

    Neither of those two Tastee Treats have reached me yet, so I googled and they sound disgusting but probably taste(very) sweet and delish. Same as s’mores which I had never heard of until you guys introduced me to them.
    So much American type food (with the always brilliant exception of Sadly food pron) sounds quite revolting, incredibly rich or sweet or fat-laden – just over the top. But I am prepared to accept what you say re its tastiness.

  231. bbkf said,

    December 2, 2013 at 21:56

    So much American type food (with the always brilliant exception of Sadly food pron) sounds quite revolting, incredibly rich or sweet or fat-laden – just over the top. But I am prepared to accept what you say re its tastiness.

    this is all most certainly true…but you are missing out on toaster strudels, though…although i have been known to eat poptarts if necessary…but NEVER a hotpocket…

  232. bbkf said,

    December 2, 2013 at 21:57

    Doug Giles will never be a victim!

    whoa…that is some hard core racism, hatred and violence over there!

  233. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    December 2, 2013 at 22:03

    whoa…that is some hard core racism, hatred and violence over there!

    Otherwise known as “an average Monday” at Clownhall.

  234. Fenwick said,

    December 2, 2013 at 22:24

    bbkf is right (as usual). Here’s the #5 tip for avoiding the knockout game:

    5. I recommend studying the news clips that show these knock out clowns at work and make a mental note of the age range and the skin color of the culprits. Duh.

  235. Fenwick said,

    December 2, 2013 at 22:37

    And the comments are wall-to-wall toxic sludge.

  236. Helmut Monotreme said,

    December 2, 2013 at 22:40

    The comments are like a window into the mind of Dirty Harry. All of the racism, paranoia, and gun fetishization you can drink.

  237. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    December 2, 2013 at 22:49

    Very exciting news – Ontario’s review of our Long-Term Energy Plan went live a few hours ago. I’m taking a short break between my second and third reading of it to share the .pdf.

  238. Substance McGravitas said,

    December 2, 2013 at 23:11

    So much American type food (with the always brilliant exception of Sadly food pron) sounds quite revolting, incredibly rich or sweet or fat-laden – just over the top.

    I recently went to Disneyland. It’s not just the fat, it’s the insane portion size.

    I don’t think I have ever saved half a corn-dog for later, but there you go.

  239. Major Kong said,

    December 2, 2013 at 23:12

    7. Get a concealed carry permit, buy a gun and morph into a proficiency with said weapon that rivals Doc Holliday or Annie Oakley.

    Brilliant!

    Then when they knock you out with one punch they’ve got your money and your gun. Think of it as one-stop shopping.

  240. Helmut Monotreme said,

    December 2, 2013 at 23:19

    Then when they knock you out with one punch they’ve got your money and your gun. Think of it as one-stop shopping.

    It’s just that simple. The act of buying a gun will magically give you time to practice, the street smarts of a veteran drug dealer, the reflexes of a rattlesnake on speed, money for the hundreds of rounds a month you will need to get and keep the Navy SEAL level of proficiency you’d need, and it will even give you eyes in the back of your head. Also, it means you will never get a concussion even if you do get a full strength punch in the back of the head.

  241. Failure Artist said,

    December 2, 2013 at 23:22

    Most of the steps are just “Be a MANLY badass”. Not helpful at all. I guess he was trying to be funny?

  242. Helmut Monotreme said,

    December 2, 2013 at 23:29

    Most of the steps are just “Be a MANLY badass”. Not helpful at all. I guess he was trying to be funny?

    I doubt it. I think he’s a weirdo gun nut and his answer to everything is to resort to violence.

  243. bbkf said,

    December 2, 2013 at 23:42

    the reflexes of a rattlesnake on speed,

    this made me lol and think of super macho new york storeowner d00d who stared down would be thugs looking to rob his store…you know, the guy who brings his wads of dough to the bank in a brown paper bag while packing heat and spinning around in front of the bank?

  244. Pupienus said,

    December 2, 2013 at 23:57

    I’m just … I can’t … I don’t even http://www.cfjesus.com

  245. bbkf said,

    December 3, 2013 at 0:02

    possibly the best testimonial EVER written:
    Last Wednesday night as we were ending our prayer meeting, one of the men was expressing how much his church family meant to him. He ended by saying, “It’s all because of those Clowns for Jesus.”

  246. Substance McGravitas said,

    December 3, 2013 at 0:06

    The Knockout Game is not violence, actually, it doesn’t even exist.

    As near as I can tell the first mention I ever heard of it was an interview with Ice Cube on 60 Minutes (maybe 20/20?) in which he said he and his friends would knock people out for fun.

    That’s a long time from seed to growth.

  247. Substance McGravitas said,

    December 3, 2013 at 0:09

    http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/knockout.asp

    http://www.snopes.com/politics/crime/montgomery.asp

  248. Thread Bear said,

    December 3, 2013 at 0:10

    Little known Clowns for Jesus fact:

    Jesus was given a choice and he chose the crown of thorns over the pie to the face.

  249. Helmut Monotreme said,

    December 3, 2013 at 0:19

    Is there anything that can’t be done for Jesus? I’ve heard of Jews for Jesus, pole dancing for Jesus, clowns for Jesus. What’s next? Is it any easier to earn a living doing the things you wanted to do anyway if you claim its for Jesus? If so, I might have to start living like a spoiled billionaire for Jesus. I’m sure the good christians of the world would pay good money to see me take luxurious vacations, drive exotic cars, and ski and hang glide all over the world ..for the glory of god of course.

  250. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    December 3, 2013 at 0:20

    possibly the best testimonial EVER written:

    I’ll see your best testimonial ever and raise with perhaps the best headline ever:

    Exciting new BRAZILIAN PUSSY FINGERED by overjoyed boffins

  251. Thread Bear said,

    December 3, 2013 at 0:20

    The Knockout Game:

    Played by gangs of white thugs dressed in expensive suits who spend their free time loitering around boardrooms. The object of the game is to knockout the largest number of senior citizen’s pensions and/or social security benefits with one stroke of a pen. These animals must be stopped.

  252. Thread Bear said,

    December 3, 2013 at 0:23

    Fingering Brazilian pussies for Jesus. I’m in!

  253. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    December 3, 2013 at 0:27

    Long-Term Energy Planning for Jesus!
    5 Minute Dispatch of Variable Generators for Jesus!
    Development of a Competitive Procurement Process for Renewable Energy Generators Greater than 500 kW in Capacity with More Emphasis on Local Priorities than in Previous Programs for Jesus!

  254. bbkf said,

    December 3, 2013 at 0:28

    Is there anything that can’t be done for Jesus?

    well, jesus can def do things for you:

    “Then I started praying and I asked the Lord to guide my hands” Montgomery says she then reached into her purse and and shot in the direction of the teens and they started to flee. However two of them didn’t make without being hit

  255. bbkf said,

    December 3, 2013 at 0:32

    I’ll see your best testimonial ever and raise with perhaps the best headline ever:

    the ‘relateds’ in the sidebar next to the story are just as awesome:
    Pics Japanese pussies slurp ‘meow meow’ sex wine
    NSFW Jamie Oliver website offers graphic recipe for ‘Pussy’
    Videos Pussy-slurping: You think you understand it, BUT YOU DON’T

  256. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    December 3, 2013 at 0:35

    What Would Jesus Curtail During Surplus Baseload Generation Events?
    Jesus Saves by Switching to High Efficiency Appliances!
    Jesus Delivers the Sermon on the Mounting Electrictiy Bills!

  257. tigris said,

    December 3, 2013 at 0:36

    Does Giles know just how badly his slip is showing?

  258. Thread Bear said,

    December 3, 2013 at 0:39

    In my neck of the woods I occasionally see a van with name “Spirit-Filled Sprinkler Systems” on the side. The first time I saw it I thought back to the hot summer days when we used to cool of by running through the sprinklers and now someone has turned this into an interesting adult game. Then I saw the little fish symbol and realized that they were talking about a different sort of spirit.

  259. Major Kong said,

    December 3, 2013 at 0:47

    The closest I ever got to the “knockout game” was two white, frat-boy looking types giving me the “bums rush” on a Fort Worth sidewalk one night.

    Nothing happened, I think they just wanted to see my reaction, which was mostly “What the fuck? Over.”

  260. Substance McGravitas said,

    December 3, 2013 at 0:50

    White folks have been the source of all violence directed at me and as a result I make it a practice to avoid them.*

    *Other people too.

  261. bbkf said,

    December 3, 2013 at 0:52

    The closest I ever got to the “knockout game” was two white, frat-boy looking types giving me the “bums rush” on a Fort Worth sidewalk one night.

    Nothing happened, I think they just wanted to see my reaction, which was mostly “What the fuck? Over.”

    geez, major…that is NOT how to credibly tell a story* such as that…here, take a look at this commentor of doug giles’:

    We’ve reached a point in our society where the political correctness and reverse discrimination has emboldened the thugs. The moral relavitism of the libtards has created the entitlement mentality and now they think they’re entitled to polar bear hunt on our city streets. Just two nights ago we were shopping on Kansas City’s Country Club Plaza and were alone on the sidewalk walking to the last store we wanted to patronize when I heard some slang ebonics being yelled at us. I could tell the thugs were far enough away that I didn’t need to turn and face them yet. When we reached the store entrance and tried to go in, it took a while for the 6 of us to filter through, so I covered the 6 and waited for the taunting thugs. Three teenage blacks waddled past with they’re saggin’ and baggin’. They looked back to see if they could get a reaction out of us. I just gave them my ‘You don’t want my kind of trouble!’ look and they kept going. I wasn’t too worried about the knockout game since they were taunting us and trying to get a reaction. Later one of my kids asked about it & whether the thugs were trying to get our attention by being loud. I said that if they had started anything they would have heard my Glock 26 loud and clear. With a marxist/socialist in charge, the evil ones are emboldened. Walk around in condition orange, pack a gun and a warrior attitude, and protect yourself and your loved ones.

    *also answers sarcastic comment regarding what do gun weirdos always resort to**

    **besides projection…

  262. Substance McGravitas said,

    December 3, 2013 at 0:54

    I just gave them my ‘You don’t want my kind of trouble!’ look and they kept going.

    And as a result, the toilet paper dragged from his shoe all the way home.

  263. Major Kong said,

    December 3, 2013 at 0:57

    I can see it now, the heavily armed gang members stand there awestruck while “warrior attitude” guy calmly unholsters his Glock 26, fixes them with his steely gaze and picks them off one by one with well placed 9mm rounds.

    Wait a second. What’s he doing packing a wimpy 9mm? I thought all real he-men carried .45s?

  264. bbkf said,

    December 3, 2013 at 1:01

    In my neck of the woods I occasionally see a van with name “Spirit-Filled Sprinkler Systems” on the side. The first time I saw it I thought back to the hot summer days when we used to cool of by running through the sprinklers and now someone has turned this into an interesting adult game. Then I saw the little fish symbol and realized that they were talking about a different sort of spirit.

    so, yesterday, the daughter and i were having breakfast at a local cafe (which was just named as having the best grilled cheese sammie in mn, btw) and these three old ladies were in the booth right next to us and all they could talk about was church, church, jesus, jesus, religion, non-christians (hellfire & damnation for sure!) and then some more about church…anyhoo, the most talkative of the bunch said that she always felt bad about not going to hawaii while she was young and able. but now, she doesn’t feel bad at all, because she will get to see EVERYWHERE she didn’t go once the rapture happens…

    so, a clever entrepenurial sort could make some sort of business plan out of culling the gullibles into spending some rapture travel money…

  265. Major Kong said,

    December 3, 2013 at 1:01

    BTW – Country Club Plaza is hardly “the hood”. We used to lay over about two blocks from there. It’s a pretty nice area as I recall.

  266. Thread Bear said,

    December 3, 2013 at 1:05

    I said that if they had started anything they would have heard my Glock 26 loud and clear. With a marxist/socialist in charge, the evil ones are emboldened. Walk around in condition orange, pack a gun and a warrior attitude, and protect yourself and your loved ones. Matthew 5:39

    Oh, wait…
    But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. Matthew 5:39

  267. Major Kong said,

    December 3, 2013 at 1:08

    Say what you will about Marxists but the streets were pretty safe in Soviet days. Police states tend to have a lot of, you know, police.

  268. tigris said,

    December 3, 2013 at 1:11

    because she will get to see EVERYWHERE she didn’t go once the rapture happens…

    When she gets taken up in the air she may see those places from a distance, but we’ll all see her granny panties.

  269. Thread Bear said,

    December 3, 2013 at 1:25

    Many years ago in the Fenway Pahk area of Boston a buddy of mine and I were on our way to a ball game when a couple of spirited African-American yoots wandered up behind us and slipped an empty plastic milk crate over my head. I, of course, jumped pretty high with surprise which elicited a fair bit of laughter from the two yoots. My buddy, a pretty big farm-grown Iowa boy got his hackles up a bit but I just removed the crate, set it down, gave the kids a smile and said “good one”. Then we all went on about our business. No one was shot, we got to the ball game and the Sox won which won me a six pack. Not that sports fans are superstitious or anything, but if the milk crate had still been there the next night I would have picked it up and put it on my own head just for luck. Fortunately, the Sox were only plating the Brewers and I didn’t need the extra luck.

  270. Thread Bear said,

    December 3, 2013 at 1:26

    Or possibly they were plaYing the Brewers. I blame milk crate head trauma.

  271. Substance McGravitas said,

    December 3, 2013 at 1:36

    The Biblestitution is not a suicide pact.

  272. Failure Artist said,

    December 3, 2013 at 1:51

    I brave being in the proximity of young black men almost every day and none of them have had the guts yet to murder me/rape me/call me a racist and hurt my fee-fees. Bow down to me!

  273. Thread Bear said,

    December 3, 2013 at 2:30

    Rochester’s finest heroically save us from likely knockout game thugs.

    http://www.rochesterhomepage.net/story/coach-defends-students-arrested-at-bus-stop/d/story/Yc6H5TSM7USEttdWpshzIQ

  274. Substance McGravitas said,

    December 3, 2013 at 3:09

    Oh how I long for the days of rainbow parties.

  275. Bitter Scribe said,

    December 3, 2013 at 4:59

    so, a clever entrepenurial sort could make some sort of business plan out of culling the gullibles into spending some rapture travel money…

    I don’t know if it was rapture travel money in particular, but this guy seems to have done quite well in the culling department.

  276. Thread Bear said,

    December 3, 2013 at 5:07

    I send what I can to the man with the diamond ring
    he’s a part of heaven’s plan and he talks to me

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oB6wp4Mm81I

  277. Some Prestonian Evening said,

    December 3, 2013 at 5:35

    Someone started up a Rapture pet rescue insurance scam service, so the devout don’t have to worry about Spike & Mrs. Pickles when Scotty Dog beams them up.
    .

  278. Some Prestonian Evening said,

    December 3, 2013 at 5:41

    Oh, here it is.
    .

  279. bbkf said,

    December 3, 2013 at 6:53

    Oh, here it is.

    that is pretty awesome…there’s gotta be some hella interesting dynamics in the workplace…

  280. bbkf said,

    December 3, 2013 at 6:54

    but we’ll all see her granny panties

    she appeared to be a sharp pantssuit type of lady…thank goodness…

  281. Whale Chowder said,

    December 3, 2013 at 7:34

    Fingering Brazilian pussies for Jesus. I’m in!

    It’s a win-win-win!

    Oh, here it is.

    Oh that guy. W. C. Fields was right: never give a sucker an even break.

  282. paperbagmarlys said,

    December 3, 2013 at 8:12

    Douthat’s sad about breaking up with Francis is amusing. A slightly left Pope means mo’ compassionate movement conservatism and . . . and. . . and . . . a mo’ Catholic GOP. Yup. Douthat sad.

  283. Horace Boothroyd III said,

    December 3, 2013 at 9:29

    I miss Seb.

  284. Fenwick said,

    December 3, 2013 at 11:39

    I miss HTML.

  285. Fenwick said,

    December 3, 2013 at 11:44

    Police states tend to have a lot of, you know, police.

    Okay, while the Major’s observation is rattling around in your head, go read Thread Bear’s link at 3:30, if you haven’t already done so….

  286. Fenwick said,

    December 3, 2013 at 11:45

    Miskeyed: The link is 2:30.

  287. Smut Clyde said,

    December 3, 2013 at 12:56

    Douthat’s sad about breaking up with Francis is amusing

    Heh indeed. The whole point of signing up with an authoritarian power structure and bowing to the yoke of the moral guidance of LORD GOD ALMIGHTY is that it should tell other people to behave as you think they should behave.

    Otherwise the deal is off.

  288. The Dark God of Time, AKA DA® said,

    December 3, 2013 at 14:16

    Fuck that neckbeard busybody with a rusty can opener.

  289. Austin Loomis said,

    December 3, 2013 at 15:18

    Here’s a link with at least as much persuasive power as, and a lot more honest expression of views than, the one Concern-Trolling Parishioner posted: The Knockout Game is Out of Control

    It is happening again. Our city centers are being invaded by the black teens. They arrive with a sinister purpose. They intend to harm us. Groups of black teens are spilling across our peaceful towns and monuments like shadows cast by the falling star of prophecy.

    The black teens are not like us. They arrive on buses from faraway places that may not even exist. They communicate in the old language. They wear their hats in a vexing manner.

    The black teens crave violence like a thirsty man craves the milk of an ox. They covet our golden scapulars. They have escaped from their warrens. They have fled their sectors. They bare their teeth at our daughters. They mock the righteousness of our constables.

    Arrhythmic pump-up music issues from the cracked windows of cars with forsaken wheels. The black teens are flexing and posing their muscles. They are making their hands into fists. They are opening drinks while shopping at the grocery store and returning them to the shelves without paying.

    At night, we bar our doors and cower in our beds. The black teens rule the streets. They are tireless. They smash up bottles and spray symbols on our favorite walls. They beat their hands on the hoods of passing cars and score showy dunks on superior technical basketball players.

    Where do the black teens come from? What catacombs hide their lairs? Do they have a parent? A conjuror? A clutch of eggs? Or are they made, as the cloud and the gyre, by primordial forces set into motion at the moment the old gods created this existence?

  290. tigris said,

    December 3, 2013 at 16:03

    Someone started up a Rapture pet rescue insurance scam service, so the devout don’t have to worry about Spike & Mrs. Pickles when Scotty Dog beams them up.

    Don’t have faith that God will provide for their pets, eh?

  291. Chris said,

    December 3, 2013 at 19:04

    Oy, late to the party, but what the hell…

    Millions of us knew what he meant because we stay informed about important issues like freedom, tyranny, and our out-of-control government.

    I always love how these people use the word “issues” (and other Very Serious Buzzwords) and then follow up on them with a few buzzwords that would’ve been too simplistic already in fourth grade.

    There is no “issue” in the world that can be dissected usefully into words as vague, nonspecific and, frankly, useless as “freedom,” “tyranny” and “out of control government.” Even putting myself in her shoes – “too much government regulation in the financial sector” is an “issue.” “Tyranny” is not. “Privatization of inefficient publicly held companies” is an “issue.” “Freedom” is not.

    And if you are experiencing difficult times, aren’t there generous charitable and religious organizations to which you can go to get temporary assistance?

    Charitable and religious organizations don’t “give” temporary assistance. They sell it, at prices far more personal than money. (Or worse, they sell the illusion of it). They’re not offering assistance – they’re offering a lever they can use to control your behavior at the most intrusively personal level imaginable. Want to eat? Then I’d better see you in the pews every weekend. Want housing? Then I’d better see you volunteering at all the church activities. Want health care? Then I’d better see some of that money coming back to us in the collection plate, and I still won’t pay for your reproductive needs, or your drug rehab, or anything else that doesn’t fit the lifestyle.

    Oh, and by the way, the bulk of the services these churches offer are state-subsidized. Catholic hospitals and all the rest get public money out the wazoo in order to continue operating. It frees up more money for donations to gay-hating, wimminz-hating, missionary work and other useless shit. If you got health care at a Catholic hospital, odds are you don’t have Mother Church to thank for that – you have the government.

    Which, actually, is probably the most repellent part of the entire process. They’re not saying “I want my money to only subsidize what I want;” that would be un-Christian, but at least you could say “fine, it’s their money.” They want to be given money from the fucking government but they want to be the ones who decide what that’s spent on. And the oppression they’re always complaining about is the government imposing rules on how their own fucking money is disbursed.

    We all know so-called poor people who have at least one car, sometimes own homes, have at least one TV – many times big screen versions, and just about every electronic device available.

    Yes, because America is a country where the luxuries are cheap and the essentials are unaffordable.

    The fact that TVs and gameboys are affordable when housing and health care aren’t doesn’t prove that poor people have it good, it proves that “the market” and its dictates are wildly out of whack with the needs of actual human beings.

    Even FDR’s New Deal and Lyndon Johnson’s Great Society haven’t lessened poverty.

    Bullshit.

    You could scan the entire 2,000 years of “Christian” charity and not find a single thing that did as much to lessen poverty as the New Deal did in one generation. That whole middle class society whose decrepit infrastructure we’re still limping around on? Thank Social Security, the G. I. bill, banking regulation, public works and all the rest of Roosevelt and Truman’s accomplishments. The New Deal is what turned us from a society with a middle class to a middle class society, in which “not rich but not a peon either” was the new normal (at least if you were white). How did it do that? By lifting the peons to middle class status. All those people living in the idyllic 1950s suburban utopia you want to go back to, where “normal” meant having your own house, your own car, two children and a dog? Former inner city workers and rural peasants for whom these things were affordable for the first time in their lives. When has your vaunted “Christian charity” ever done anything to match that?

    You had two thousand years, for Christ’s sake.

    Furthermore, do we not understand the biblical principle of for those given much, much will be required?

    … I agree completely. Those who have much should be giving a hell of a lot more than they are back to the society (and the people) who made that wealth possible.

    Sadly, you won’t find too many people outside of Elizabeth Warren supporters who think that. Beginning with yourself.

    You’re not the solution to our problems; you are the problem.

  292. tsam said,

    December 3, 2013 at 19:22

    We all know so-called poor people who have at least one car, sometimes own homes, have at least one TV – many times big screen versions, and just about every electronic device available.

    No, actually we don’t all know. Easy to say from your McMansion in the suburbs where you don’t have to give a second thought to dividing up what money you have between heat, fuel, food, school supplies, the phone bill, electric bill…

    And holy SHIT you better not get sick or have a broken water heater or car problems.

    We do, however, know (via actual evidence, rather than hyperbolic bullshit) that this is a reality for several million Americans. But hey, it feels good to sever any responsibility you feel toward these people by pointing at a prepaid flip phone and claiming that this person must be rolling in fat stacks of cheese…

  293. Failure Artist said,

    December 3, 2013 at 20:01

    Christian and other religious-based social services aren’t bad. I’m currently using a Jewish one and an Episcopalian one and they haven’t protlyetized to me even once. However, they can’t provide everything. The government also helps me.

  294. Major Kong said,

    December 3, 2013 at 20:21

    At the start of the Great Depression religious and local charities were all that existed.

    By 1932 they had been completely overwhelmed and were largely out of resources.

    The idea that “The churches used to handle it” that I hear thrown about is manifestly false. They couldn’t handle it, regardless of how good intentioned they may (or may not) have been.

  295. tsam said,

    December 3, 2013 at 20:25

    Churches only have so many resources, and they don’t have professional staff to direct resources in the most expeditious and efficient manner. They’re first aid, government is triage and treatment.

  296. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    December 3, 2013 at 20:26

    Christian and other religious-based social services aren’t bad. I’m currently using a Jewish one and an Episcopalian one and they haven’t protlyetized to me even once. However, they can’t provide everything. The government also helps me.

    The ones that don’t proselytize are perhaps less inherently bad than ones that do, but everybody would be better off if we had a government-run, tax-based secular system for helping anybody that needs it. You know, like the WHOLE FUCKING REST OF THE CIVILIZED WORLD does.

  297. El Manquécito said,

    December 3, 2013 at 20:41

    Ignoring the way the rest of the world has sorted out health care has become a fundamental part of American politics.

  298. El Manquécito said,

    December 3, 2013 at 20:45

    OT in my usual way, so sorry to hear Judy Rodgers died. She ran a good restaurant, wrote a great cookbook and made me a better cook.

  299. tsam said,

    December 3, 2013 at 20:46

    Ignoring the way the rest of the world has sorted out health care has become a fundamental part of American politics.

    This is the problem with the whole concept of exceptionalism. In human interaction terms, the exceptionalist is that know-it-all motherfucker you can’t tell nuthin’.

  300. bbkf said,

    December 3, 2013 at 21:21

    has there been a hue and cry in wingnuttistan over the bob dylan hate speech kefuffle?

  301. Pupienus said,

    December 3, 2013 at 21:40

    Judy Rodgers died? Damn. Dinner at Zuni Cafe was always one of the best things about being in SF. Roasted chicken with bread salad is one of my favorite dinners when having guests.

    For you heathens that don’t know about Zuni Cafe roasted chicken and bread salad, Deb Perelman has a distilled version which makes it look as easy as it really is (the original recipe is pretty lengthy so it scares people off).

  302. The Dark God of Time, AKA DA® said,

    December 3, 2013 at 21:46

    Because of the economic crisis in Greece, more citizens are now scavenging from the garbage for their food, just as wingnut trolls scavenge from online garbage like Twitchy, NRO.com. and, of course, Townhall.com

  303. bbkf said,

    December 3, 2013 at 21:58

    , Deb Perelman has a distilled version

    damn your eyes for that link…looks beyond delightful…

  304. The Dark God of Time, AKA DA® said,

    December 3, 2013 at 22:11

    We have wealth distribution in this country, the beneficiaries are the 1%, or, to be more precise, the top 0.1% of Amurican bankers, CEOs and job creators like Mitt RMoney.

  305. El Manquécito said,

    December 3, 2013 at 22:38

    It’s been good to see the outpouring of respect for Ms Rodgers amongst cooks of my generation.

  306. Major Kong said,

    December 3, 2013 at 22:53

    Because of the economic crisis in Greece, more citizens are now scavenging from the garbage for their food

    So how’s that austerity workin’ for ya?

  307. J Neo Marvin said,

    December 3, 2013 at 22:57

    Note that the same people getting apoplectic about the mythical “Knockout Game” are often the same ones fighting against anti-bullying programs in schools.

  308. Substance McGravitas said,

    December 3, 2013 at 23:25

    Note that the same people getting apoplectic about the mythical “Knockout Game” are often the same ones fighting against anti-bullying programs in schools.

    Indeed! The knockout punch is the literal blow to their masculinity.

  309. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    December 3, 2013 at 23:51

    You know who else likes to deliver literal blows to masculinity?

    Your mom.

  310. The Dark God of Time, AKA DA® said,

    December 3, 2013 at 23:55

    Someone makes a snark comment on a librul snark blog, and our resident troll is pissed.

    Mission accomplished!

  311. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    December 3, 2013 at 23:57

    In your mom’s defense, she is a knockout.

  312. J Neo Marvin said,

    December 4, 2013 at 0:02

    Someone makes a snark comment on a librul snark blog, and our resident troll is pissed.

    Just doing my duty.

  313. J Neo Marvin said,

    December 4, 2013 at 0:03

    But I am gratified to see what’s-his-name reaching across the aisle and coming out in support of anti-bullying programs. I think they would make a difference.

  314. Pennis said,

    December 4, 2013 at 0:07

    Buh buh but when I post thousands of times to praise George Zimmerman as the messiah it’s snark! Why are you deleting my snark??????

  315. The Dark God of Time, AKA DA® said,

    December 4, 2013 at 0:09

    What’s a moderstor, fumble-fingers?

  316. bbkf said,

    December 4, 2013 at 0:12

    eck…it’s getting icy out…i can take just about anything in the wintertime except ice! my ride right now is a ford focus…dora the explora and i had a run-in with a rather large buck last friday night…not fun! i just hope she is repairable…

  317. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    December 4, 2013 at 0:16

    Well, at least it’s not a White Bronco. Although I understand that they are quite good at handling the snow.

  318. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    December 4, 2013 at 0:18

    You know who else had a run -in with a rather large buck last Friday night?

    Your mom.

  319. Major Kong said,

    December 4, 2013 at 0:23

    dora the explora and i had a run-in with a rather large buck last friday night

    Ouch! I hope there were no injuries – only venison.

  320. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    December 4, 2013 at 0:24

    PENIS!

  321. Whale Chowder said,

    December 4, 2013 at 0:52

    dora the explora and i had a run-in with a rather large buck last friday night

    Was he driving a Cadillac? Did he have T-bone steaks in the car?

  322. Whale Chowder said,

    December 4, 2013 at 0:53

    he wasn’t what the average mindless liberal here said he was.

    As it turns out he was much worse.

  323. Cerberus said,

    December 4, 2013 at 1:02

    New post.

    Also, fuck family. Fuck Christmas. Fuck Thanksgiving.

    Also WTF, is our resident troll still publicly masturbating to his KKK fanfics of Zimmerman gently coddling the tiny penises of in-bred conservative hicks?

    Huh, and I thought my life was shitty.

  324. Austin Loomis said,

    December 4, 2013 at 5:01

    tsam skrev:

    In human interaction terms, the exceptionalist is that know-it-all motherfucker you can’t tell nuthin’.

    ObLewisBlack: “I’m the greatest fucker here! And you snivelling shits would die without me!”

  325. Austin Loomis said,

    December 4, 2013 at 5:03

    If you don’t agree with Cerb’s assessment of her own life, Pennis, would you like to trade with her and experience its wonderfulness for yourself?

  326. Pupienus said,

    December 4, 2013 at 5:35

    Austin Loomis said,
    December 4, 2013 at 5:03

    OUCH!

  327. Chris said,

    December 4, 2013 at 6:10

    I’ll concede on “not all religious charities are assholes,” but with the point still made that far too many of them are, and more importantly that anyone who presents them as a realistic alternative to the safety net (as whatserface was doing) has an agenda. The kind that correlates negatively with the good of the poor.

    Here’s a case in point of what I’m talking about, though – there are places right here in America where the Catholic Church has been gobbling up previously non-Catholic hospitals via mergers and acquisitions like crazy in the last few years. Why do they do that? Because then they get to say “whoops, sorry, but we’re Catholic – no birth control here, no abortions here, no visiting rights for gay people here, nothing our religion doesn’t approve of! Better luck at the next hospital, except, yeah, we bought that one too.” A right that they’re fighting against “Obamacare” tooth and nail to maintain, by the way.

    Another example – a relative of mine recently went head-over-heels in love with a fundiegelical “health insurance” program. I looked it up; turns out you pay $285 a year for the privilege of being a member, but still have to pay all your medical expenses up front and then send a letter around to the members of the network asking for them to send you money. In exchange for this? You have to make your entire medical history available to them so that they can make sure you’re living up to their standards (no booze, smoking, drugs, or “sexual activity outside of Biblical marriage”); drug rehab and birth control are, needless to say, not covered; oh, and you have to sign a disclaimer promising never to sue the system if it fails to cover your medical expenses.

    That’s the kind of thing I’m talking about. Take public health insurance completely out of the picture (which of course is what they’re all fighting so hard to do – and it doesn’t end with repealing the ACA) and in much of the country that’s literally all that you’ll be left with. Can the “good” charities like the Jews and the Episcopalians make up for that? Maybe in some places, but certainly not everywhere.

    (And that’s before we even get into much more basic things like the efficiency of religious charities at actually getting the job done, like Kong said – which isn’t what you were talking about but is worth mentioning just the same. Tsam’s “first aid vs treatment” analogy is exactly right).

  328. SychoFANtic Fans of Dr BLT said,

    December 7, 2013 at 1:20

    Are any American citizens here thankful to live in the United States?

  329. Dr BLT's Ghost of Christmas Past said,

    December 19, 2013 at 1:15

    I guess that answers my question. Who needs gratitude when you’ve got the cyonide of cynicism?

Leave a Comment

  • Things of Interest

  • Meta Goodness

  • Clunkers

  • httpbl_stats()