God doesn’t like it when you know your partner, luckily, we can fix that booboo right up. Oh stop crying, this is for your own good.
Marsha West, Anti-Rooibos America:
Sin is at the heart of what is wrong in your life
Conservatives are weird.
Which yeah, understatement of the millennium, but it’s worth noting because of all the hard-selling they do for the status quo and the way they so utterly fixate on any minor difference and excuse they can use to abuse and mistreat in the name of “normality” and “conformity”, they are still, really really fucking weird.
A lifetime of locking one’s arms and digging in one’s heels in the hopes of halting the ever-forward momentum of history and the millions whose broken and battered bodies make it so means a lifetime of growing more and more separated from its impacts or changes.
And it leaves the poor confused dears like time travelers from the times when things used to suck even more, cheerfully relating how the perfidy of the Irish is destroying the Protestant heritage of this country as everyone glances nervously at their glasses and wonders exactly how strong their drinks really were.
Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):
- Now some Christians may have abandoned getting hung up on that “living in sin” thing what with it being a no-brainer to have some experience actually living with one’s partner before getting incredibly entangled in what is often intended to be a life-long commitment, but real Christians know that those fakers are going to be burning for eternity in Hell right alongside the faggots and those who engage in the demon sport known as dancing.
Which reminds me of that whole wingnuts eating their own thing I was talking about last week. Every last one of those narrow-minded bigots can thank us freaks and outcasts, forever bleeding to make life’s infinite spectrum that slight bit more acceptable and taken as given and serving as the focus for their combined ire. Because without us, you’d gladly rip each other apart on a one way trip to the iron-clad boxes of the literal Dark Ages.
Bill and Beth (not their real names) are professing Christians. Bill gave Beth a “promise ring” so she decided that God would be okay with them living together as man and wife. If the arrangement works out, they’ll marry. If it doesn’t work out they’ll move on to the next relationship.
Yep, our time-traveler is so utterly separated from the time-stream that even the creepy “promise ring” psychos are too faux-Christian for her.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Beth’s mom is also a Christian. Beth opened up to me that when her mom found out she had decided to live in sin her only concern was that she could become pregnant. Both of Beth’s sisters have children out of wedlock and this understandably distresses Mom as she worries that her youngest may follow in her two older sisters’ footsteps.
Snrk. How’s that abstinent only/ ban them from any information about reproduction and biology thing working out for ya?
To me what’s more troubling than the pregnancy issue
Well yeah, I mean, like pretty much every conservative, you are emotionally incapable of considering any other life experience other than your own and since you don’t… have need to concern in that department as it were, it’s obvious that would take backseat to giving you the old hot flash that you can only get from hardcore judging.
is that this Christian mother isn’t all that concerned that by living together Beth and Bill are sinning against God! In fact, she hasn’t even broached the subject with her daughter.
Oh well, I can clear up this little conundrum. It’s because no one fucking gives a shit anymore. I mean, when even the fundies are admitting that maybe this is an archaic practice that gets in the way of real life and what people need, you’ve not only lost the game, you’ve lost the season, the crowd, the stadium, and 100,000 quid to a skeevy loan shark named One-Eyed Paulie.
Except for Christmas and Easter, Beth and Bill haven’t attended church together. According to Beth, Bill has a hang up about church that he prefers keeping to himself. Since she doesn’t want to probe too deeply into her man’s past, she has decided that it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie
And make no mistake, this “Beth” is hardcore fundie to the point where even bothering to know who the man you are planning to marry is is commie treason brainwashing.
But damnitt, if she didn’t want to be judged as a pagan junkie slut, she would have tried even harder to deny herself for an insane ideology.
I mean, what else is she going to do? Realize that there is literally nothing she can do to get in the good graces of the bitter old lady club and she might as well abandon this hateful ideology altogether and stop letting some asshole’s personal Invisible Sky Dictator rule their life…
(in bed on Sunday)
Ha! Good one, Marsh. That’ll have the rotary club rolling in the aisles.
and join her mother for the service. What would happen, I queried, if Bill doesn’t get over his church hang up? Beth replied sharply, “Well, he’d better!”
I also asked what her pastor would say if he knew that she was living with her boyfriend without the benefit of marriage. She appeared surprised and said with conviction, “Nothing!”
I pressed on. “A minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ has no problem with Christians living in sin?” Her bemused expression spoke volumes: “If he doesn’t like it, I’ll change churches,” she stated matter-of-factly. In other words, Beth would shop around for a church with a more progressive thinker in the pulpit; a church that bends to her life-style choices, one that meets her needs.
Oh noes! Not having one’s spiritual institution actually having relevant things to say about one’s life! That would be the worst thing EVAR!
By Beth’s way of thinking, the church she chooses will have to accept the sort of behavior that’s explicitly forbidden in Scripture or she’ll find one that does!
Oh no! She joined a church that lets people eat the flesh of pigs or shellfish? Or one that tolerates those who dare wait more than a night to pay wages? Oh fuck! You don’t mean she joined one of those nasty liberal churches that don’t send women to Menstruation Huts when it is their unclean time?
After listening to Beth attempt to justify her sinful lifestyle for several agonizing minutes,
Oh you poor baby, did you have to suffer listening to someone who isn’t you?
Sigh… when will those monsters learn?
I passed on the Apostle Paul’s instructions concerning how the Church body should handle those who indulged in overt sin. Briefly stated, Paul made clear that couples involved in sex out of wedlock (heterosexual or homosexual) must be counseled by church leaders to abstain forthwith. Moreover, they had to repent of their sin and separate. Unrepentant sinners were prevailed upon by their church family to leave. This is known as “church discipline.” Paul’s instructions still apply today. In other words, God has not changed his mind.
Would this be during the letter where he begged a slaveowner to sell him the rentboy he had been renting him on the cheap because no one could lift his luggage quite as well?
Also, I just want to take the time to point out that Little Miss “The Bible Says” is so ignorant of her own “all hallowed text” that she seems to think that the closet case wannabe tyrant stapled to the end as a “guide” to “the early Church” counts as the unerring word of God as well.
Which, of course these fuckers don’t actually read their “holy works”. Because they don’t actually worship the Book or their God, despite all their posing. What they really worship is the judgment. The excuse to look down on others and consider themselves superior to all others based entirely on accidents of birth.
Well, Beth was shocked. “That’s ridiculous!” she gasped. “They can’t make me leave my church, can they?”
That would be it. The power trip of making someone wholly dependent on an abusive organization and then yanking away its protections for arbitrary and poorly defended reasons.
And luckily, every year, thanks to those they despise more than anyone else, this worshiped power becomes ever weaker and less able to wound. And its most fervent disciples are left to wither, the forgotten memories they’ve always been.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. In the holy name of Trent Reznor, God is dead and no one cares. Amen. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Judie Brown, Rabid America:
Mercifully killing our cat
- DEATH PANELS ISREAL!
- My hard and difficult decision to spare my beloved pet the prolonged pain and suffering of unnecessary medical intervention demonstrates clearly that human beings should be spared the same dignity.
Hey wait a minute on the sidebar of the original…
Marsha West is a religious/political writer and owner of EmailBrigade.com. She is also the founder and editor of the Email Brigade News Report, a biweekly news resource for people of faith that is chock-full of critical news and information.
You’re the fucker who creates those endless religious chains that senile family members send to everyone in their address book.