At least Pigpen wasn’t a Holocaust Denier.
Andrew McCarthhy, National Brand Chew:
Senate GOP Gamesmanship On Obamacare Defunding Is Not Honorable
Jonah “I’m rubber and you’re glue” Goldberg, National Nazi Apologists:
Ted Cruz, the GOP’s Barack Obama
You know with all the foreign scienamatists we’ve been trotting out for the last week or so, I feel we are losing focus on our home-grown nutjobs and fuckheads. I mean, what have they been up to in all that time?
Answer? Not much. You can tell, in the subject matter that there is an ounce of recognition that maybe, just maybe, screaming like crazed baboons about how you’re never ever going to let this shitty society get even the tiniest bit better might, just might look a little bad to the general public. And there’s even some dawning realization that going further and further into a deluded world of conspiracy theories and where guns and corporations are the only real people is not going to make white people magically pop out of the aether and thus make the Southern Strategy viable again.
But beyond that, they’re completely lost. They have the tribal identity, the proper tribal hatreds and rich sugar daddies willing to fund them as long as they stroke that head real slow like Daddy wants, but after that…
So they’ve been mostly throwing up chaff, demanding Obama be impeached because, well, Clinton being impeached over bullshit seemed to help Bush get elected and they’re hoping that at least that magic lightning will strike twice. Jumping from one random made-up outrage to the next and trying to work Benghazi as if it was personally directed by Obama in order to make the CIA look like the incompetent fools they are.
And while it may be amusing to watch wingnuts literally running around like chickens with their heads cut off, I feel today’s shorters cover the more important question of where exactly the fuck they go from here.
So without further adieu.
Shorter Andrew McCarthy:
- I’m Andrew Fucking McCarthy, but apparently briefly noting that shooting ourselves in the foot for no good reason was enough to make me temporarily a tribesperson in poor standing. So now, let me just say, that yes, I support shooting oneself in the foot. We should do it all the time. May we limp forever on to the glorious future that awaits us once we are completely unelectable by even the mouthbreathers that are our base… Please don’t throw me out into the cold. I don’t know how to do real work.
Because if your shit is less and less popular and is only held to be important by a shrinking population simply due to the grim ravages of time, then what is needed is even more purity purges over not supporting self-destructive bullshit for no good reason.
But wait, that’s just the majority of the conservative “movement”. But what about Grandpa Goldberg, the wise sensei who perfected the art of pretending all your crimes were the results of your enemies instead? Surely he has the roadmap to prosperity.
Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):
- Ted Cruz will be our Barack Obama because we figure that if you threw out a racial minority and he was popular, then our pet racial minority will do just as well. Just like Palin was just as popular as Clinton. I mean, fuck, something’s got to bring things back. We tried creating another Iran Hostage Crisis with Benghazi and that didn’t work to create a new Reagan. And we tried impeaching a sitting Democratic president over nothing to create a new Bush, so all we have left is trying to recreate the circumstances of Obama and hoping it’ll give us our own popular young ethnic conservative icon.
Or perhaps just a cargo cult.
Cause if you recreate the random events that surrounded a president’s election, than that will somehow resurrect that exact president’s terms and successes and the impact that had in delaying social change in this country for 30 years and counting.
But here’s a free mango for the road.
Ted Cruz is no Joe McCarthy, as so many liberals bizarrely claim. But he might be the conservative Barack Obama. The charge that he’s the new McCarthy is something of a compliment from liberals. It means they don’t like him, can’t really explain why, and need to demonize him instead. In other words, he must be doing something right.
Yeah, no one could think of a reason to dislike Joseph Fucking McCarthy. Not a reason. They just disliked him because he was so right all the time. Yup.
Oh Jonah, you could at least hide your attempted whitewashing of older conservative icons a little bit.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. Holy fuck, a post by me under 5,000 words. Call the National Guard immediately, I’m clearly mortally wounded. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™