Timothy Birdnow’s life seems to entirely consist of making various conspiracy theory graphics and blaming everything in his life on liberals. Clearly there has never been a more potent source of raw machismo on the planet!
Timothy Birdnow, American Flanker:
Destroying Football: The Left’s Endgame
Maybe I’m a bad American (yes, indubitably), but there is nothing funnier to me than the desperate macho culture surrounding Rugby with Pads. I mean, I guess, I can almost understand obsessive sports fan cultures in general (I mean for fuck’s sake FC Midtjylland, do you have to alternate every season between nearly winning a championship and nearly getting yourselves relegated, ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK?!? Lucky game scarf carry me through this next season)… You know, just a little.
It’s just the bizarre attempts by complete schlubs who try and pretend that the grueling practice of sitting down on a soft couch and watching some heavily padded professional athletes play a game that would have smaller scorelines than either baseball or association football (boom, I get my cake and I eat it too) if they didn’t artificially inflate the scores is somehow equivalent to hunting down a triceratops and decapitating it with your teeth.
Maybe it’s because my history with sports fandom has mostly circled around European football, which clearly is completely pussy seeing as how gay families and trannies can feel safe in the stands watching it, or, in my youth, baseball, which must be gay because occasionally pitchers are good enough to keep games close.
Or maybe it’s because I’m not an insecure devotee of toxic masculinity so desperate to avoid anything even remotely feminine that I weep in the middle of the night utterly terrified that evil liberals might pussify the one thing one can brag about at the water cooler without actually having to do something so terrifying as leave one’s house (THERE MIGHT BE BROWN PEOPLE OUT THERE!).
And on that note:
Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):
- Liberals are fagging up the ALL-AMERICAN BLOODSPORT of FOOBAAL! by caring about pussy issues like whether the players I claim to love and support can play the game at 100% and don’t have their careers cut short by stupid avoidable injuries that can have life-long debilitating effects. I mean, what’s more important? Whether the players can walk in their old age or remember their children’s names in their thirties? Or whether or not I can still get a hard-on over how much of a man I am for watching grown men bend over each other and then wrestle each other to the ground? I mean, honestly! Also, because my usual stock in trade is bizarre conspiracy theories, this is cornerstone of the liberal enfagification of America.
And I’m sure the fact that the majority of players he uses for his proxy “manification” are black has absolutely NOTHING to do with how willing he is to throw away their good health for a chance to preen and strut about how manly he is to watch on TV a game that children often play.
But maybe I’m being unfair. It’s not like he’s going to open his little monologue by pretending that concussions are a made up liberal plot or something.
The latest fad among football sportswriters and commentators seems to involve crowing about head injuries and long-term health effects from playing football.
Yeah, those whacky sportswriters, writing about issues that affect the health of the players and their ability to play the game they are paid to cover. What the hell?!? Can’t they take their cues from the political reporters and just ignore real issues in favor of endless speculation on whether or not the head coaches’ new haircuts will lead their respective teams to victory?
Okay, maybe that was a bit bad, but it’s not like he’s going to follow that up by trying to passive-aggressively claim he’s manlier than the professional Rugby with Pads players because he doesn’t buy into “Concussion-gate” like the whiny babies they must be, and-
There is currently a lawsuit by former NFL players against the league for health issues that are, they claim, a result of trauma received during their careers. They are trying to claim they did not know the risks involved when they played.
OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE! Hey, I may poke my fun at American Football culture, especially regarding all the posturing and machismo surrounding the sport (not to mention the way many public and private universities have their budgets siphoned by the uncompensated youth teams in order to “finalize” the players for the cheap-ass “professional teams”). And I may denigrate the idea that it is inherently more worthy or exciting simply because a bunch of drooling idiots decided it made them manly to cheer it on. And I might personally find it boring as fuck in the way that most Americans claim about proper football or baseball.
But even in all my complete anitpathy for the sport, I would never suggest that those who have given their bodies and often much of their minds in order to entertain those reprobates are somehow less than for talking about the health issues that have been criminally undersold before now.
Heck, with the nexus of toxic masculinity, it’s probably incredibly brave, seeing as how there is an entire army of Timothy Birdnows out there just waiting to call those who do the things they can’t or won’t giant pussies for not suffering gracefully for their amusement (you know, like soldiers bitching about so-called PTSD when they come home from their extended tours in our wingnut-masturbation theatre known as our recent wars).
Concussions are a serious issue with a wide variety of both physical and mental repercussions and it’s about time that the National Rugby with Pads League treated it as such.
Meanwhile, the NFL has instituted new rules to stop tackling — and the heavy hits that go with it — in training camp. This campaign is being mirrored at the amateur level.
Which is just common sense. I mean, ignore the debate about whether or not sports stars are socially and economically rewarded at a level that reveals our country’s true priorities and just focus on this.
Teams pay a lot, a royal fuckton to secure these hulking professionals to play for them. As such, they should do what they can to ensure they CAN play for as long as possible for them, by not throwing away their health in needless hard tackles when nothing is at stake.
I mean, why exacerbate the grim effect of professional sports on a human physique when you don’t have to? It’d be like a professional soccer team saying “hey, always go in hard on slide tackles in practice, cause we definitely want all our strikers injured for the season” or “hey pitchers, aim for our star batters’ heads because that sounds like a great idea”.
But apparently, capitalist fetishist Timothy doesn’t think that thinking should apply when it interferes with his desire to think that his proxy masculinity bearers are breaking their teammate’s bones just to stay “fierce” (yeah, no homoerotic overtones anywhere).
The liberal sports media has jumped on board (despite no solid evidence that the game is dangerous),
Response A: Huh, is liberal media now a franchise? Are there going to be sub liberal medias running around like Mormon children everywhere. Are we going to hear about the liberal cartoonist media too? What about the liberal obituary media? The liberal classifieds media?
Response B: Ah, wingnut world where anytime evidence demonstrates something you don’t like, you can just claim an overly complicated conspiracy that would be impossible to maintain and argue that any evidence contrary doesn’t count because er… were you there when evolution does a raw blink of Hara Kiri Rock?!? therefore JESUS! I guess they assume they’ll never be affected by their own bullshit.
Response C: Oh how convenient that the moment you want to piss on the people you’ve claimed were locked in an epic bloodsport, the game suddenly becomes kiddie ball with all the pads and soft foam edges. I’m sorry, but you really don’t get to argue that you’re watching modern gladiators delivering “brutal punishment” to each other while at the same time pretending that there isn’t a physical cost to the players. I mean, you do understand that everything with Professional in its name isn’t actually Wrestling* and the hits aren’t all fake, right?
and, ironically, they may well kill the very sport that puts food on their tables. They can’t help it; a scorpion stings because it is a scorpion.
If players can’t bust heads where no one can see them, then FOOTBALL IS RUINED FOREVER! Sigh, and they call emo kids emo.
It is in this current climate of pacifism
What now?!? Next you’re going to say is that sending young kids to die so we sitting at home hunched over the television can get a inch-long steely-eyed hard-on over the killing of foreign brown people (THEY EVEN HAVE A DIFFERENT GOD THAN ME! Or rather the same god with a different prophet and holy book and KILL THEM!) is a stupid waste of human life.
Fucking peacenik hippies! It’s almost like you think serving as proxy outlets for desperate toxic masculinity is not actually worth someone’s life, health, or safety.
and that is the purpose of the campaign: to turn football into a more pacific game,
You mean “Pacified”. Fuck, I know you winguts only communicate in a series of dog whistles these days, but for Bob’s sake, try and hide it a little.
thus removing another layer of America’s masculinity)
Huh… really wasn’t expecting him to bust out the freudian behind the slip to this angry rant. Kinda was expecting him to just talk around it while continuing to wink and nod in the general direction. I guess, I was giving him WAY too much credit.
that Illinois Governor Pat Quinn has signed a law mandating insurance for student-athletes.
Um… duh. Fuck, any athlete needs rather comprehensive health coverage. Their daily activities put them at high risk for very complicated muscle and bone injuries that can be career-ending without rapid and proper medical attention, and besides-
Have… have the wingnuts actually moved on from arguing that Obamacare is ground-up cyber-Hitlers to arguing that ALL healthcare is evil and must be resisted at all costs?
When the fuck did this shit happen?!? Cause I feel like I somehow slept through the greatest self-fail in the history of conservative self-fails.
According to the St. Louis Post-Dispatch:
The law says that a school’s minimum policy will cover $3 million in aggregate benefits or five years of coverage – whatever comes first – for injuries that total medical expenses over $50,000. The law includes public and private schools and state officials estimate that the cost of the coverage will be no more than $5 a student. Currently, some schools carry insurance for athletes, but it hasn’t been mandatory. The Illinois High School Association provides students with this catastrophic insurance for state tournaments.
First, one must ask why this is needed, since it will soon be the law of the land that everyone be covered by health insurance. I was under the impression that ObamaCare was designed specifically to fix this sort of problem.
And then you made it complete shit by demanding an old program you tried to sell 20 years ago and then making it weaker while continuing to undermine it after its passage to prevent it ever coming to fruition.
Also, I wish that Obamacare was universal healthcare or socialized medicine instead of simply a means of buying shitty private insurance.
Why are schools in Illinois being made to pay for catastrophic health insurance when Mr. Obama, the product of that state’s political genius, has already addressed the issue?
Because you are a moron? And this gotcha couldn’t be more off mark than if you tried to “show up dem lazy football players” by trying to throw a touchdown pass as their Quarterback.
Second, why stop at high school? Certainly children in elementary school play sports, and they are as prone to injury as anybody. More so, perhaps, since their motor skills are not as well-developed, and what could be an easily avoided accident for an older kid leads to injury for a younger child. Why shouldn’t this be applied to all children?
Goddamnit wingnuts, will you fucking STOP taunting us with visions of a better world. Yes, it would be fantastic if no child ever went without health care. If no child had to go without hospital services if they got a major injury or no parent had to go bankrupt because their kid got sick.
It really should be the law of the land instead of this sad piecemeal as we all try to do the best we can with the shit sandwich we have instead. So glad we agree. Sigh.
This will kill many sports programs in poor school districts and likely in the lion’s share of private or parochial schools.
Gosh, you’re right. Hey, maybe we could, like, actually fund public schools properly. And provide this insurance at the governmental level. We could even prioritize things like health care and education instead of growing our incredibly over-bloated military or throwing away money to various church scams. I mean, if we created universal health care, a bunch of businesses (especially small businesses) would actually SAVE money. Again, it’s amazing the ideas you and I are coming up with. Thanks totally good faith wingnut!
Would a struggling Catholic school spend money needed for actually educating students on sports insurance?
… Yes. Fuck yes, they would.
I mean, look at Notre Dame. Any school with a halfway “respected” sports team pretty much already makes devil’s bargains like this.
It will become a choice between teaching and athletics for many schools.
Dude, you need to come up for fresh air from your bunker once in a while.
That shit already happens and most of the time, teaching takes a firm back seat to athletics. And I’m not just talking at the university level and the well-researched way in which “successful” athletics programs drain money, resources, and time away from education. I’m also talking at most every high school in America where the Rugby with Pads program is almost universally granted the money that the education departments need in order so that no floodlight ever goes out for a big game (books, desks, bah, less necessary).
Of course, such would suit the educational commissars just fine.
Yes, those who love education are clearly the most likely to cheer on the way educational funds are channeled towards NRwPL draft teams.
Also, welcome to Earth, because you clearly must be new here.
There has been an increasing effort by the Progressives to straitjacket young children.
Is this leading up to one of those “the schools are feminazi anti-male factories because men no longer dominate test scores like they used to” rants? Cause it sure seems like it.
Sports are one outlet they have targeted, with an increasingly regimented and organized approach to what were once thought of as children’s games.
Um, yes. That is in fact the definition of a sport, congratulations.
Take a children’s game (such as catch, Horse, or passing a ball back and forth), add rules and regulations, organize education on said rules and team-dynamics in order for competition to be engaged, and make it more regimented as time goes on and kids entertain thoughts of possibly doing this for a living if they are good enough. That’s how it works.
I mean, the alternative would be a chaotic, rules-absent, everybody wins kinda thing and I thought you usually despised those for being “liberal brainwashing trying to remove the competitive edge out of our sports-loving-man-children who are clearly the only children who matter”.
Michelle Obama may say “Let’s Move!,” but she wants all movement under her watchful eye.
We are held prisoner by her mighty biceps. Every night her forearm death bots roam the skies looking for dissent. All fear the mighty Michelle and her ARMy** of Death!!!!
Gone are the days of sandlot football,
Since when? I know as a kid I played catch in the middle of the street (because apparently as kids you are 99% made up of death wishes, or at least that’s what I choose to take home from all the kids who tried to run ahead of me across the street at the last place I taught). And the kids I taught certainly still seemed to throw a ball around (usually at my head when I wasn’t looking).
of a bunch of kids getting together for a stickball game
Oh, I’m sorry grandpa, I apparently didn’t realize you were gearing up for a round of ancient fogey nostalgia. I guess they don’t have “stickball” games is because it’s not actually the turn of the century and there’s such a thing as Little League now that lets kids have all the fun of baseball while also getting a real fucking BAT to use. Also, again, kids still play backyard baseball all the fucking time. When they actually have a backyard to play it in.
or a spontaneous game of field hockey.
Er… I saw some games of that last Olympics… I’m pretty damn sure that’s not the sport you want to use for your “I’m so manly that I miss the good old days of random childhood bloodsport” pitch. Unless you find endless penalty shots heart-pounding excitement.
Also, kids these days pretty much just play either ice hockey or roller hockey so uh… yeah, think they win this bullshit game anyways.
Children now devote much of their time to thumb exercises as computers replace the athletic field.
Oh yay, another old fogey ranting about how “kids these days” play their nintendos too much and don’t get outside enough. Never gets old, no matter how many times it’s repeated.
Hey, random anecdote. When I was a kid and I played outside on the very limited non-street areas in my neighborhood, it was always the super-conservative old farts who’d call the Suburban Gestapo to send us an angry letter to knock it off. So, yeah, no bets on whether Timothy would rather see the kids out on his lawn having fun or stuck inside playing video games.
When children are allowed to play, they are wrapped up like mummies lest they get a bruise.
And suburban paranoia is clearly a left-wing manufactured phenomenon. Hence why you’re penning a classic suburban paranoid rant about how the filthy liberals are ruining your man-watching and the kids today don’t play right like in my day.
All this teaches a lesson to the children: private, individual action is dangerous and should be avoided. Life must be lived within the guardrails, carefully planned and safeguarded by society.
Speaking as a kid who grew up in one of those hyper-vigilant, hyper-paranoid communities, I can say it mostly taught us that adults were fuckheads and rules were often arbitrary and stupid.
But hey, considering you think that anarchism and communism are one and the same, I guess it’s all a wash.
Even more distressing to the left is that sports started as a means of training for soldiers.
But thanks for linking your two main fetish objects together for us, lest we couldn’t put together your desperate habit of fetishizing stereotypically “masculine” occupations and actions, while at the same time abusing and dismissing their humanity when it gets in the way of said fetishizing (oh sorry, am I just not letting go how you mocked soldiers who got PTSD fighting in your shitty wars of choice because it went against your image of soldiers as fucking Robocops, incapable of feeling anything other than insatiable bloodlust).
That is why football is so appealing to America; it is a he-man sport, a vestige of the old America, where an association of free men stand together in battle.
That is truly an epic level of flying spunk right there. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go home, take a shower, and begin repressing the last three hours.
Yes, team effort is required, but there is also plenty of room for heroics, and the individual may make a huge difference.
Yes, truly it is the individual, Randian ideal, who on his own raises the globe on his back and… what? The games we obsess about are team sports where no one player could possibly do it on their own and where collective team cohesion is often the path to victory… uh… well, it doesn’t matter because RANDIAN SUPERJESUS! WAAHHH! Don’t bring logic to my masturbation session!
But at football’s core is a physicality bordering on violence, and to the left, that is anathema — an atavistic impulse that must be squeezed out of our children.
But apparently anyone who gets hurt playing it is a whiny pussy who is making shit up in service to a grand liberal conspiracy to make wingnut peepees small and flaccid.
Ah wingnuttery, for when keeping 12 incompatible thoughts in your head at one time is FUCKING PUSSY SHIT! UNGH!
So instead of a healthy game of tackle football at recess,
I’ve monitored at recesses. I’ve lugged out the first aid kit for the various assortments of “ball kicked at head” and “yeah, tag on blacktop seemed like a great idea, I don’t know why the teacher said stop just because Billy’s leg is a bloody mess”. Fuck your “healthy” tackle football. Fuck it right in its limping bloodied ass.
liberals substitute Ritalin
Seriously, what is up with the right-wing conspiracy theories about ADD medication? Did the inventor of Ritalin show up to an Obama fundraiser or something?
and maybe a good heated game of tag.
And yet, the most dangerous games I’ve seen at my recesses were usually played by the girls who often found the most precarious area to try and practice gymnastics on or would otherwise try and sneak up on top of trees whenever I turned my back. Just saying Mr. Why Don’t Kids Bloody Themselves for my Sexual Amusement.
Consider the war against dodgeball. Progressives fret that it is traumatizing children and have been systematically banning the game. Why?
Because nearly every game of dodgeball usually devolved into the bullies picking on the perceived weakest kid and trying to injure him in order to “teach him a lesson” about “manning up”?
Oh wait, suddenly I understand what you’re really pissed off about losing.
Nobody ever gets hurt from dodgeball,
I’ve done games with kids. You’d be amazed at what they can manage to hurt themselves and others with.
but Progressive educators still want it gone. That is because of the actual acts performed in the game: one physically tries to hit another. The goal of the left has been to make physical aggression taboo; thus, dodgeball, which teaches children to be physically aggressive, must go.
Yes, mean old hippies and not thinking a game often abused to service bullying deserves to be rescued because some chicken-hawks somewhere are worried that not every raised-male kid is being frantically trained to live their life in fear of living up to an impossible toxic masculinity ideal.
Truly this is proof that liberals make up concussions and ban 1900s stickball!
So the campaign is on to pacify sports.
You know, people who follow sports for reasons other than homoerotic thrills and desperate attempts to follow “dude rules” often like it when their favorite players aren’t suffering from injuries for the majority of every season. Que c’est pa.
Requiring insurance for dangerous sports will make those sports too costly to allow students to engage in them, and “violent” pastimes like dodgeball must have no place in schools.
All kids must live on a knife’s edge, knowing that their next injury will cripple them for life. And then, once they are crippled, we’ll start mocking their handicaps and whining about how our businesses have a wheelchair ramp when no one they know needs a wheelchair and why doesn’t the little cripple boy learn to walk proper, yeah?
Further, young children are to be given trophies for participation rather than achievement, to make actual accomplishment meaningless.
Reading wingnut screeds about kids makes you wonder sometimes if they don’t think that growing up should be a never-ending parade of raining suicides from all the “inadequate” children who don’t live up to toxic masculinity norms.
Actually, given their angry resistance to the It Gets Better Project and any anti-bullying campaign… I might not be that far off here.
As David Guthrie from the National Alliance of Youth Sports points out:
The primary argument I have heard over the years is that every kid needs to be recognized for what they have achieved. That’s fine if the child actually did achieve something. But why should simply “making it” through a season be considered achieving something? Looking at it that way tends to strongly imply, that a child playing a sport for a whole season has experienced a personal triumph in endurance. Isn’t participating in sports supposed to teach so much more than that?
Well considering all the angry whiny blustering about how kids don’t exercise enough these days, you’d think encouraging kids to stick with a sport would be something they’d want to do, especially in a school setting.
No, at least not from the Progressive perspective. Sports are about so much less. They are about teaching children that they cannot accomplish things on their own. If some do well and are honored for their success, then the game is failing at its primary task.
Um… all your examples are team sports. So yeah, team sports tend to focus on the team and everyone working together. Especially team sports like Rugby with Pads where most of the team is on the field at the same time with everyone having an important job to do to make sure there are enough… grand slams in the net or something, I dunno, I don’t watch crap (sorry, couldn’t resist).
If you cared about sports like say Track and Field where everyone really was an individual competing on their own based on how hard they committed themselves, then yeah, you’d almost have a point if the coach spent all their time talking about the team and how everyone is equal and needs to work together, no heroes.
But you don’t. You care about commie collectivist sports and want to pretend that everyone working together is some new faggy liberal invasion because that single moment where a commentator expressed concern over a concussion killed your hard-on and force you to actually pay attention to the sport you were masturbating to.
In the end, liberals want a world under their control
Oh IT’S ALWAYS PROJECTION…
one where impulses are channeled in the direction they choose, not where nature or free will directs.
Which is why conservatives have often been on the front lines fighting for gay and trans* rights and the rights of racial minorities and women against bigoted liberals who have tried to enforce a narrow and artificial system of oppression out of sheer habit…
Or “nature dictates” is just a code word for “if we pretend that 1960s TV stereotypes are somehow natural roles that liberals are trying to pervert by trying to invent people who aren’t white patriarchal cutouts, then maybe we can get in on this ‘arc of history is long’ shit”.
Sports are an expression of values,
No, it’s a fucking game.
Even my beloved Danish Superliga is just a fucking game where grown men bounce a ball between each other and occasionally shoot it into a big net where a man in a different color shirt tries and leap and dance to bounce it away. If the world were to suddenly eliminate these games, the world would not end. Kids would not go without medicine. Science would continue to progress forward. Economies would not collapse. Hell, we wouldn’t even go without entertainment.
It can be fun to watch. There can be histories and rivalries and the various narratives we create full of heroes and villains, plucky underdogs and dominant overlords. But at the end of the day it’s just a game. And it reflects no value other than what we value as a society. Whether we care about intellectual accomplishment, creativity, or even athletic dedication, or just an excuse to displace a desperate wanting masculinity on others in order to alleviate a need that shouldn’t exist.
and those values must comport with the utopian vision of the left. There can be nothing outside the collective.
Again, team sports, Jack. If your favorite game doesn’t spout the values you want, maybe you should stop displacing ideological battles on a fucking ball game.
Also, is the vast unseen communist conspiracy supposed to be responsible for inventing concussions cause I’m starting to suspect you began losing the point at around the point you started worrying about everything else that’s been making your penis feel soft lately.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. When I was in Denmark I bought a kit and scarf because the team is so regional they don’t even mail things out of country. And a ticket to a home game was one of the first things I bought when I was in country and… I’m not an obsessed fan! We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
*And yes, I understand that “Pro” Wrestling, while fake, has left a similar toll on those actors’ bodies as well. Sometimes to a worse degree seeing as how the insane money men in charge of that “sport” have similarly wingnut ideas about the “reality of concussions” and the worth of the actors underneath them.
**I’m so, so sorry.