Just stop. Some turds just can’t be shined no matter how hard you scrub.
K-Lo, National Sad Old People:
Making Noise in Rio
All right, old people, we need to have a sit down.
Speaking as someone who is regarded, at least by my students, as an ancient fogey, I understand the impulse to try and connect with the younger generations. To try and figure out their cultural touchstones, the media by which they develop their morals, and possibly most importantly, their attitudes about traditionally oppressed cultures. I get it. Often it’s a noble action, intended to prevent the cruel cycle of blame and envy that often gets heaved downward as each previous generation bashes the one after for “ruining America”.
That all said, there are two ways to go about this check-in. There is the correct way, full of genuine curiosity and a willingness to learn and not judge (after all, nearly all of us listened to shit when we were kids) and allow the experience of being pleasantly surprised.
And then there’s the wrong way.
Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):
- You know what the kids these days are all into? Nope, not Black Veil Brides*, nor the beginning of 90s nostalgia. Nope! It’s sweaty old pedophiles babbling about how “jiggy” it is to never have consensual sex for the rest of your life and thus stay pure for your rapist pastor! Yup the Catholic Church is where it’s “groovy” to be young.
Oh, Lord in Himmel, is there a wrong way!
So yeah, K-Lo’s been pimping (oh my and how) the Catholic Church rather hardcore (mua ha ha, my asexual campaign to destroy all sexuality is progressing along fabulously (oh my)) for quite a long while now. In fact, it’s actually rather difficult to find the last post she’s written for the “I can’t believe they get paid that much for the job they do” Review that wasn’t a love letter to Child Molestors Anonymous or one of their splinter hate groups and propaganda centers.
But now, she’s desperately trying to spin her former Nazi high fuhrer… I mean child molestation co-conspirator… I mean pope deciding to quit being “God’s chosen condom” leaving the Church heads to jump into damage control mode stat as some grand revitalization (in the more literal sense) of the Catholic Party. Cause, slightly younger Pope apparently means that Catholicism is James Dean and Franz Liszt and whoever it is that the kids shamefully masturbate to these days (while imagining the eternal hellfire that is their penance for doing so).
But hey, what do I know? I mean, I don’t really check out churches that much, because of that little issue where I tend to burst into flames if I cross the threshold of holy ground (I mean, once I turned out to be a trans poly atheist, well… you can do the math), so maybe they all look like a tumblr tag these days.
So what the hell, K-Lo! Give me your best pitch!
When Pope Francis met with Argentinean youth in Rio Thursday, he announced some of his expectations for the World Youth Day events that would unfold in the subsequent hours and days:
I’m sorry, I must still be too young, because I already fell asleep when you were describing that… swell… shindig.
On MSNBC and elsewhere, Pope Francis has been referred to in recent days as a “rock star.”
The parallels have never been so staggering.
Others have referred to him as the Tom Jones of the papacy,
Tom Jones? Really? This is your epic powerhouse of a panty-melting rock star? The one whose face-melting solos drive the young girls wild?
Fuck, Tom Jones was slow as molasses back when he was a jockstrap-melting heartthrob. Who was your backup? James Taylor? John Mellencamp? Jimmy Buffet? 80s era Chicago?!?
as people threw t-shirts at his open-air popemobile – which I am pretty sure is a papal first.
Given the Church’s rather public stance on women’s bodies, I’d pretty much assume that was a protest unless told otherwise by the participants.
Also, bitch please. Actual rockstars used to have panties thrown on stage. Then they had cooked pasta and dead bats thrown on stage. By this point, shirts are so far behind the curve that it’s in danger of being lapped (oh my count: 3).
But to think that World Youth Day or the Catholic Church today is about the person of Pope Francis, Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio of Buenos Aires, who just returned to the continent of his birth for the first time since leaving for the papal conclave after Pope Benedict’s shocking resignation news just before Lent, is to misunderstand what we have witnessed and what is going on — in Rio, Rome, and the universal Church.
Yeah, I don’t think anyone stuck in the sunk costs cult that is the Catholic Church wants to dwell too long on that “shocking” resignation and what exactly it means for the illusion of the “Godly authority” that the Church has used to justify its horrendous and multitude crimes against humanity.
Feeling a little more worldly, ain’t you, you child rape enabling fucks?
World Youth Day in Rio was a snapshot in countercultural renewal.
Sorry Brazilian anarchists.
Young people want something better than false freedom and something less than true love,
What the fuck does that even mean?!?
as Pope Francis put it at various points during the weekend.
Buzzwords, buzzwords, buzz-words. Humming words. Hummer words. Hummers (DING: 4).
The more than three million who gathered Sunday are rebels and theirs was quite a yell — a Heavenly opus, binding the evil agenda of Hell.
Ooh, a Billy Idol reference. Getting closer. You’re only about 30 years behind popular culture now. At this rate you might even hit the right millenium before your dignity catches up with you (hint: it’s not actually trying to chase after you, it’s well rid of your pale ass).
Pope Francis was able to actually break into mainstream TV news early in the week because of the security concerns raised after his window-rolled-down Fiat made a wrong turn, attracting swarms of people on the streets of Rio hoping to touch the successor of Peter, get a picture of him, or have their baby blessed — and kissed – by the pontiff.
Yes, because the hermetically sealed Pope’s visit to South America (one of the few areas where people can be bothered to care in large numbers) never EVER used to make the cable news stations back in the day… like every time it occurred, like clockwork… fuck, they probably just reused their old graphics.
And there was an unmistakable lesson in the surprises, and his peace with them. (If it involved more people having access to him, he clearly welcomed the changes to plans, having referred to being caged at least once publicly during the week.) Rain plagued most of the week and lead to location changes.
OH NOES! Turly his holisticness understands the plight of the people. His million dollar cock-mobile was plagued with RAIN! He might have gotten wet!
Well, not him, but maybe one of his many servants or some of the old ladies hoping for the single glance their direction which would let them rationalize living a sad empty life devoid of passion slightly easier.
AND NO ONE ON THE PLANET HAS EVER SUFFERED WORSE THAN THAT!
(Also TRIGGER WARNING on that last link for horrifying images and descriptions… also I’m not entirely sure it isn’t a link to a hate site…)
It was an exhausting, emotional, frank, invigorating week.
… (And… 5! Apologies to whatever libidos any of you may still have possessed.).
The theme was one of evangelical Catholicism,
Cause what the world needs is more fucking evangelicals running around.
as George Weigel has referred to the missionary work of the Church at the present moment, in an increasingly secular world where even Christians have fallen into secular habits and routines that have rendered all too many of us practical atheists (a John Paul II phrase) rather than disciples who have freely surrendered to a belief in God’s countercultural mission for each individual life.
Yes, a tendency to live secular lives insted of devoting one’s every second to the expansion of a child rape cult is clearly the GREATEST problem facing the Catholic Church at the moment.
Sheesh… and you fuckers wonder why you’re bleeding followers in the First World at the moment.
And on Friday night, when preaching after the Stations of the Cross, he pointed to the message of the recent encyclical, The Light of Faith, almost entirely written by Pope Benedict XVI:
Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. Whoops, sorry, that reference might just be too “edgy” for the kids and their Lawrence Welk rockstar worshipping ways.
And he challenged the World Youth Day pilgrims in the most intimate of ways:
Church head’s intimacy! DO NOT WANT!
the Cross of Christ invites us also to allow ourselves to be smitten by his love,
(Oh my count is now at 6).
The heart of this year’s papal World Youth Day program was centered on prayer and sacrament: The message clearly being: You can’t give what you don’t have.
Well, that might resonate with the kids these days, what with them being incredibly broke thanks to the callous Chicago School bullshit that’s being pushed everywhere. Hey, maybe you should actually pay more than lipservice to all that economic justice bullshit your Church used to spout before it became the all-child-rape, all-preventing-women’s-rights channel.
Just you know, as a thought.
And for those who watched this, the 28th World Youth Day, wondering if it might just be the kind of experience a young person in your life might benefit from,
Protip (7): If you’re trying to paint your super cool “I don’t at all miss exploring my sexuality” shindig as the hip new thing that the kids today are twitter trending flash mob something somethinging? Try not to squeeze in a desperate hard-sell to the kids because even you can tell your average age is pushing 90.
Might make things a little easier to swallow (and lack of gag reflex for the 8).
The prospective combination of Pope Francis and Saint John Paul II, with the prayers of Benedict XVI from a convent in Rome or from the wedding feast beyond, promises to be spiritually explosive.
It will surely roxxorz the soxxorz off the ideal 15-19 demographic… I mean, teh kidz.
So much of the conventional view of the Church lately has been one of a Church of no, irrelevant to the times.
You don’t say!
What to make of World Youth Day? What happens the morning after?
The missionary call is to propose the answers the faith provides by being a living witness to it with joy, in full knowledge of the pain
And greedy sub Jesus for the 10! I’m out, bitches (and oh how you know it, ding 11. Yes, I go out odd!)
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. Based on my super-scientific sample of the kids I teach, I think we can safely say that what the kids these days are into is SCIENCE! We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
*Visual Kei has made it overseas?!? Fuck yes!