25
The Lessons of 1985 and The Left’s Failure to Learn Them
The weekend’s news out of Iraq was predictably grim. Here are some gruesome tidbits:
*BAGHDAD – A car bomb killed 26 people and wounded 29 others when it exploded in Baghdad’s Shi’ite slum of Sadr City, police said.
*NAJAF – Gunmen shot dead Fadhil Abu Seybi, the head of a local tribe and a member of the Supreme Council for the Islamic Revolution in Iraq (SCIRI), a prominent Shi’ite party. Police said Abu Seybi was killed outside his home in the holy city of Najaf, 160 km (100 miles) south of Baghdad.
*MAHMUDIYA – Police found five bodies bearing signs of torture and bullet wounds, in different parts of the small town of Mahmudiya just south of Baghdad, police said.
I’m sure The Left will use these attrocities to bolster its case that the Iraq war cannot be won. The Left, helped by their enablers in the mainstream press, will say that the entire country has degenerated into a bloodbath of sectarian violence and is quickly sliding toward a full scale civil war. “Oooh, look at how bad things have gotten in Iraq!” The Left will shriek. “You seriously can’t expect us to take sides in a full-scale civil war, can you?”
This reminds me of another time when America stood by and watched as a brutal war of attrition unfolded right before our eyes. Much like the current situation in Iraq, the United States failed to act decisively to end the conflict, mostly due to The Left’s inherent moral weakness. “It would be immoral to take sides in sectarian fighting,” The Left moaned at the time. “I’m just going go home, hide under my bed and sob myself to sleep! Wah, wah, wah, I am such a big vagina!”
I’m sure that many readers are scratching their heads, wondering what conflict I’m talking about. This is unsurprising, since today’s history classes spend an inordinate amount of time discussing the angry homosexuals who marched against America’s liberation of South Vietnam in the ’60s. So for those of you still in the dark, let me spell it out for you: I am referring to The Left’s failure to learn the lessons of the Cola Wars.
Much like the current conflict in Iraq, the Cola Wars were fought by two savage opponents whose end goal was the total annihilation of the other side. Then, as now, The Left stood by and watched as the violence rampaged all over the country, eventually spreading to outer space. The Left’s “argument” for staying on the sidelines was that America supposedly didn’t have a stake in the Cola Wars’ outcome, that it didn’t matter whether Coke or Pepsi emerged victorious from the rubble. “They’re just soft drinks!” wailed the simpering ninnies at The Nation.
This attitude is a sad reminder of The Left’s inate moral blindness, as well as its capacity for willing self-delusion. For just as The Left turned a blind eye to the dangers of Soviet Communism years earlier, it was now all too happy to ignore the insidious influence of Pepsi on American society. Yes, it’s true: while the Democrats in Congress were gutting the Pentagon’s Cola War budget to free up funds to put inner city Negroes through school, Pepsi was waging an overt campaign to undermine America’s moral character and ethnic identity.
The evidence against Pepsi is considerable. To breiefly summarize:
1.) To advance the cause of leftist political correctness, Pepsi hired a blind Negro* singer to market its Diet Pepsi drink.
Above: Ray Charles. If he were a wheelchair-bound lesbian, then he’d meet every criteria of The Left’s “victim” fetish.
2.) Additionally, Pepsi hired a Stealth Negro to market its drinks, one Michael Jackson.
Jackson, as I’m sure you know by now, is one of Hollyweird’s most notorious pedophiles. That’s some choice for the new generation, Pepsi: the choice to be diddled up the poop shoot by Jacko. Middle America thanks you.
3.) In its most sinister and devious attempt to destroy America, Pepsi purchased Taco Bell in 1978, thus becoming the first major corporation to undermine the cultural purity of America’s traditional fast food chains by introducing swarthy Mexican food to our culinary landscape. Astute readers will note that Taco Bell’s rise directly coincides with the rise of the Reconquista movement to retake the Southwest United States for Mexico.
Above: Does this little scamp “quiero” Taco Bell? Or does he really “quiero” to Reconquista California for the Aztlan Empire?
And yet, despite all this evidence, the Left still stuck to its politically correct fantasy that Pepsi was “just a soft drink,” just as they continue to believe in the lie that “Saddam had no WMD.” The consequences of the Left’s weakness are there for all to see: Pepsi has grown ever richer and more emboldened over the past two decades, even threatening at one point to have its logo projected onto the moon! Even today, the Left insists that we have no stake in the Cola Wars, much as it says we have no stake in the Iraqi Civil War.
Now, admittedly the Iraqi Civil War does not have clear-cut good guys and bad guys like the Cola Wars did. The Sunni insurgents are a pack of thuggish Saddamite deadenders who are responsible for the majority of attacks on American soldiers. The Shiites, on the other hand, are religious fanatics who have close ties to Iran. A victory by either of these sides would prove potentially disastrous to the United States and its interests. This is why I have come up with an outside-the-box solution that I shall discuss in a future essay: arming the Kurds with nuclear weapons. In the meantime, look back at the Left’s failure during the Cola Wars, and ask yourself if we can afford to carry the same weakness with us into Iraq.
*Incidentally, I am loathe to use The Left’s pet term for “Negroes,” which is “African American.” After all, is “Africa” really a continent full of people and nations in the same way North America is? Or is it merely a large mass of land that has yet to be liberated by the West from its inhabitants’ cultural backwardness? Additionally, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could, indeed, chuck wood? Don’t hold your breath waiting for The Left to answer these entirely reasonable questions.
Travis adds: It should come as no surprise, Brad, which cola is preferred by the terrorists held at Guantánamo:
Guard officers suggested soccer and volleyball tournaments to the compliant detainees in Camp 4. The detainees came back asking that a prize – two-liter bottles of Pepsi – be awarded to the winners. (The detainees disdained Coca-Cola, guards said.)
Also, it should be noted that Mexican Coca-Cola is much sweeter than its American counterpart. Almost Pepsi-sweet.
bargal20 said,
September 25, 2006 at 14:50
Pepsi Max
Clint said,
September 25, 2006 at 14:56
Clearly, the Left wanted us to submit ourselves to the insidious Communism inherent in the UN-cola, namely 7-Up. This caffeine-free contaminator of capitalism was designed purely to distract us from the all-important Cola Wars and weaken our will in the growing threat of clear sodas.
Claude said,
September 25, 2006 at 15:01
You’re just scratching the surface of this important controversy. We can never forget or forgive Pepsi’s sly titillation of honest Americans with the Spice Girls. The Left is still using this disgraceful technique today, strategically inserting breasts into Left blogger photo ops.
MMMDoritos said,
September 25, 2006 at 15:06
Serious people understand that New Coke was no accident. Introduced in that fateful year of 1985, New Coke was a virtual Fifth Column in the Cola Wars, boring from within to undermine the taste, business model, and resoluteness of Coca Cola. And who introduced it? Roberto Goizueta, the first Coke CEO to come from outside the United States! As a native speaker of the Cuban dialect of Mexican, Goizueta’s very presence was a product of our open border policy that each day is doing to this entire country what Goizueta attempted to do to the taste of Coke.
NuTraSpud said,
September 25, 2006 at 15:07
They’re good fine people Stuart, but they don’t know what the colas are doing to the soil!
steve_e said,
September 25, 2006 at 15:19
I always said that the US should have given some nukes to Cadbury-Schweppes and let them handle it.
The Left said,
September 25, 2006 at 15:22
Just one grammatical reminder:
“The Left, helped by
theirhis enablers.”And I choose Dr. Pepper! Jamie Foxx can’t tell me what to do!
jrm78 said,
September 25, 2006 at 15:37
Don’t blame me. I voted for RC Cola.
The Right said,
September 25, 2006 at 15:38
Always been a Coca Cola man, meself.
recon guy said,
September 25, 2006 at 15:41
I for one would like to welcome our new Pepsi Overlords. As the holdouts who so foolishly resisted their awesome power toil in the underground cola mines soon to be opened, I will grovel willingly before their yummlicious cola-ness-itude.
Mark said,
September 25, 2006 at 15:43
I am pro Coke… in more ways than one. *sniff
The Right said,
September 25, 2006 at 15:46
You’ve shown your liberal lefty bias by photoshopping that cloud of smoke coming from the Coca-Colaâ„¢ bottle, haven’t you, Brad.
Woodrowfan said,
September 25, 2006 at 15:51
does that make Michael J Fox into a Jane Fonda???
NobodySpecial said,
September 25, 2006 at 15:58
You forgot one damning piece of evidence, Brad….the infamous Pepsi Blue…parading their leftish tendencies in full view.
MCH said,
September 25, 2006 at 16:21
This caffeine-free contaminator of capitalism was designed purely to distract us from the all-important Cola Wars and weaken our will in the growing threat of clear sodas.
Hence it was ultimate in perfidiousness when those Commie-symp border-crosser-fellow-travelers Pepsi introduced the reviled and justly maligned Crystal Pepsi onto the market. It took red-blooded Americans by the millions opening their throats to foamy spurts of Coke by the gallon to beat back that incursion of contamination. Colas are precious fluids!!!1!
Oh, and Brad, wouldn’t that be “diddled up the poop chute“?
{/pedantry}
Ken Houghton said,
September 25, 2006 at 16:36
Point of Order: Mr. McManus’s technical phrase was not the cleansed “blind Negro” (it was, after all, about 2:30 a.m. in a TX bar).
Highlander said,
September 25, 2006 at 16:37
New poli-blog — my old buddy, Mike Norton, has started up a new blog devoted entirely to political material. Mike’s a fabulous writer, a funny, witty guy, and has a good head for analysis. The new poli-blog is at http://turn-this-bus-around.blogspot.com . Fans of Glenn Greenwald could do worse than check it out.
Sorry for the shameless endorsement, but it’s heartfelt. Check the blog out. If you hate it, send me an email calling me an idiot; I’ll take the weight.
FlipYrWhig said,
September 25, 2006 at 16:50
I always said that the US should have given some nukes to Cadbury-Schweppes and let them handle it.
When it comes to soft drink Great Powers, Cadbury-Schweppes is Austria-Hungary.
jpj said,
September 25, 2006 at 16:54
I always felt sorry for the folks who really liked New Coke back in ’85. Surely there were a handful of people who thought it was the best thing ever, only to have it yanked away within a year or two.
Where are they now, I wonder? Poor souls who got caught in the pitiless gears of the war machine. Will no one think of the children?
Ginger Yellow said,
September 25, 2006 at 16:56
Query the equivalence of “Taco Bell” and “Mexican food”. Otherwise an excellent expose of the fecklessness of the left.
fish said,
September 25, 2006 at 17:05
You’ve been reading Shelley the Republican again haven’t you?
Gary Ruppert said,
September 25, 2006 at 17:16
Amazing how more bad news occurs after the leftist media basically overhypes previous bad news. It’s almost like the terrorists have been emboldened by the left.
But i’m sure the left will deny that truth
Burl Owl said,
September 25, 2006 at 17:21
And into this epochal struggle, Negativland acted as terrist insurgents, dropping Dispepsi much to the displeasure of the Pepsi High Command, as well as the humorless scions of Teh Left.
steve_e said,
September 25, 2006 at 17:28
I always felt sorry for the folks who really liked New Coke back in ‘85. Surely there were a handful of people who thought it was the best thing ever, only to have it yanked away within a year or two.
Where are they now, I wonder?
Don’t you see, the treacherous New Coke fiends have survived on nothing but Diet Coke all these years! Diet Coke is derived from that evil New Coke concoction. Only the left could be so foolish as to ignore the emergence of the fundamentalist New Coke hegemony. Diet Coke has allowed New Coke devotees to lose weight and remain strong while they plan their sneak attack.
tigrismus said,
September 25, 2006 at 17:48
So who’s been emboldened, Garbot, Comrade Coke or Pepsi Blue State?
Clint said,
September 25, 2006 at 17:51
The fact is, Gare-bear is a secret consumer of the Mexislamofascist Pepsi Twist.
Borders, Soda, Culture
the_millionaire_lebowski said,
September 25, 2006 at 17:53
Faygo FTW!
Roxanne said,
September 25, 2006 at 18:03
In Asian countries, you usually don’t have access to both Coke and Pepsi. In Japan, it’s mostly Coke only. And Pepsi is the preferred soda brand in Thailand.
miker said,
September 25, 2006 at 18:19
Gary pointedly avoided declaring himself a Coke or Pepsi drinker. Well I drink Coke and Mountain Dew. I fear that makes me a hypocrite and something worse than a straight up Pepsi drinker
TheYellowElephantBrigade said,
September 25, 2006 at 18:23
RC Cola, you heathens!
http://www.drunkduck.com/Taking_Stock
The Left said,
September 25, 2006 at 18:25
I ain’t denyin’ shit, G.P. And what’s with this RC Cola bullshit? It’s dull and tinny compared to the robust flavorstorm that is a Dr. Pepper! And don’t give me that Mr. Pibb or Shasta Cream Soda bullshit either!
ichomobothogogus said,
September 25, 2006 at 18:41
as a resident of one of the few countries in the world where coke isn’t the best selling drink, i think that the only solution is to nuke 98% of the earth’s surface and let scotland and bhutan go it alone
Miss Emily said,
September 25, 2006 at 18:51
Amazing how more bad news occurs after the leftist media basically overhypes previous bad news. It’s almost like…
Almost like things are going from bad to worse, hmm?
Highlander, if the quality of your guy’s links are any indication; that blog-pimping was shameless, and rightly so.
Dan said,
September 25, 2006 at 19:01
It’s not just the Pepsifascists either, folks…
We can’t even pay our medical bills, but decadent Hollywierdoes like Alec bin Baldwin kick back, sipping snifters of “Royal Crown Cola.”
anonymous said,
September 25, 2006 at 19:02
Richard Nixon’s ‘ties’ to Pepsi in the early ’60s and the murder of John Kennedy …
coincidence? Or: food for thought & grounds for further research …
The Honorable Elihu Smails said,
September 25, 2006 at 19:04
How about a Fresca?
Roger said,
September 25, 2006 at 19:29
That image of the cola wars is clearly a fraud. Neither brand offered their beverages in such packaging during the 1980s, and the kerning on the labeling is all wrong.
Is that photoshopped smoke I see?
Mac said,
September 25, 2006 at 19:46
I always thought that Pepsi was the Republican cola.
Dan said,
September 25, 2006 at 19:56
> …and the kerning on the labeling is all wrong.
Yeah… That is an odd gap between the P and the S.
Thus it reads… “Pep Sí.”
You read that right. The plot, it thickens.
While I most certainly can’t be bothered to learn Spanish and so couldn’t even begin to opine as to just what sort of depraved thing this cola label might wish to affirm, I do hope this illustration makes our dire situation sufficiently clear. (Is it any wonder this Pep Sí is the caramel-colored beverage of choice for discerning Aztlanistas?)
islmfaoscist said,
September 25, 2006 at 20:35
Has anyone ever heard of Mecca Pepsi? I thought not.
Rumor has it that the “urban” version, Pizzepsi, will be launched soon.
And by the way, it’s not just Ray Charles, Bush knows that blind people are all America haters. He has never forgiven Stevie Wonder for rudely ignoring the Pretzeldent’s friendly wave, or the reporter that discourteously refused to take off his stylin’ shades when graciously granted an audience.
Perhaps because they can’t see Bush’s manly codpiece bulge and statesman-like smirk, they judge him unfairly by his reedy voice and inarticulate diction alone.
Smiling Mortician said,
September 25, 2006 at 20:35
I see no one has yet outed Coke’s cynical strategy of divide and conquer by offering both Diet Coke and Coke Zero, thus splitting the crucial caffeine-yes-but-sugar-no vote. No wonder our attempts to dominate are met with frustration.
MrWonderful said,
September 25, 2006 at 20:38
Coke is “the Real Thing.” It’s “The One.”
Pepsi, by pathetic contrast, was pleased to urge you (in the early 60s):
“Stay young and fair and debonair,
Drink light, refreshing Pepsi.”
Yes, “debonair.” Read: Fag. Nuff said?
islmfaoscist said,
September 25, 2006 at 20:41
Dan, you must have missed Pepsi Si, but it is, sadly, all too real down here in the border states.
The Right said,
September 25, 2006 at 20:46
Things go better with Cokeâ„¢. Especially rum.
ifthethunderdontgetya said,
September 25, 2006 at 21:03
The fact is, it’s hard to use a name like “The Right” when teh Right does things like this.
Kathleen said,
September 25, 2006 at 21:04
you’re just another cog in the Left’s Soros/Kos/Pelosi/Moore/Murtha/Hillary/Pepsi Machine.
mikey said,
September 25, 2006 at 21:21
Of course, if you’re trouble by the useless waste of lives, not to mention teeth, you can abandon the corporate bongwaters and simply do it yourself.
mikey
TC said,
September 25, 2006 at 21:21
I, for one, will welcome our carbonated, caramel colored Overlords.
Peter Roskam said,
September 25, 2006 at 21:28
> The fact is, it’s hard to use a name like “The Right� when teh Right does things like this.
Paraplegic Iraq War vets talk the talk. Let’s see them walk the walk.
For my part, I will march proudly behind our President, as he bravely goes toe to toe with the enemy. Meanwhile, my opponent will just continue to spin her wheels, trying vainly to gain a foothold in this district.
The voters know where I stand, and I think that gives me a leg up in this sprint towards November.
Peter Roskam said,
September 25, 2006 at 22:01
(Ms. Duckworth would have us leave the Iraqis lame and hobbled, cutting the freedom agenda off at its knees.)
Dan said,
September 25, 2006 at 22:02
If those last two crossed a line, apologies.
Tulkinghorn said,
September 25, 2006 at 22:09
When I was traveling in East Africa in the waning days of the cold war, I noticed that Coke had an exclusive market in capitalist Kenya, while Pepsi had an exclusive market in socialist Tanzania. Unfortunately for Pepsi, socialism had left most of the Tanzanians too poor to buy soft drinks.
The kleptocrats in Kenya were swimming in Coke.
Kobie said,
September 25, 2006 at 23:44
Don’t you wanta Fanta?
High Fructose Corn Syrup said,
September 26, 2006 at 1:01
Nothing to see here.
Move along.
Brian - tha Texas transplant said,
September 26, 2006 at 3:31
You people make me sick! We could be talking about real issues like baby Suri or maybe even how Jessica isn’t over Nick. I mean geez…but seriously, that pepsi and coke drink stuff really isn’t good for you, so please, if you are a dem stay away from those nasty carbonated fructose syrup filled drinks are just NASTY. That shit will take your eye out…or was that a red rider BB gun repeater?
deth said,
September 26, 2006 at 4:23
Be an independent, drink coffee.
jackd said,
September 26, 2006 at 4:27
how much wood could a woodchuck chuck
After all the babbling about cola, it’s nice to see the subtle reference to a really excellent beverage, Woodchuck Draft Cider.
Frank said,
September 26, 2006 at 4:49
Brian- No it was the “limited edition” red rider BB gun. ;)
Brian - tha Texas transplant said,
September 26, 2006 at 4:51
Um, is it a nonalcoholic beverage?
g said,
September 26, 2006 at 6:10
Goddamit, what about TAB????? a million show and ballet dancers want to know!
Djur said,
September 26, 2006 at 7:11
Frank: I seem to remember the limited edition Red Ryder blowing off your upper torso, assuming you rolled a critical against yourself.
Pinko Punko said,
September 26, 2006 at 10:18
I like ‘em all. Pepsi with a lot of ice. Coke with rum. Dr. P with BBQ, Wild Cherry Pepsi with various things, Cherry Coke with slam burger/chicago dog fries/rings combo. It’s all good.
I’m a Sensible Cola drinker.
Retardo is now going to f*ck my shit up.
Major Woody said,
September 26, 2006 at 11:56
You loutish Americans with your silly brown soft drinks! I say to you, the only beverage that is not wine that will pass beneath my well-groomed mustache is the water of Perrier. Ha ha! It is to laugh!
Marq said,
September 26, 2006 at 12:17
Yeah! I’ve gotta cry”fake!” Neither company has ever marketed their cola in an eleven story tall bottle. The biggest size ever available was the six story tall, 100, 000 gallon Really Big Coke®, which was pulled from the market in 1981 after several people fell into theirs and drowned.
mikey said,
September 26, 2006 at 18:23
Right on, Pinko! Especially the Dr. P w/BBQ. Ya can’t go to Willies and have anything else!!
mikey
High Fructose Corn Syrup said,
September 26, 2006 at 19:58
Yes! More Dr. Pepper!
Excellent!
False Prophet said,
September 26, 2006 at 22:50
Clearly, the Guantanamo detainees are aware of Coke’s anti-Islamic sentiments.
Karl Rove II said,
September 26, 2006 at 23:35
“You see me now a veteran, of a thousand cola wars…”
Coke -the choice of a new generation…of torturers.
Bitter Scribe said,
September 27, 2006 at 1:55
That’s no joke, Karl Rove II. Coke and other carbonated soft drinks were (are?) used by Mexican police torturers during interrogations. They stick a gag in the victim’s mouth and squirt the stuff up his nose.
The whole process is lovingly detailed by Joseph Wambaugh, who never met police brutality he didn’t like, in his book Lines and Shadows.
jackd said,
September 27, 2006 at 5:20
Brian – tha Texas transplant: Um, is it a nonalcoholic beverage?
Woodchuck? Sure. About 95% of it, anyway.
Karl Rove II said,
September 27, 2006 at 18:41
Bitter Scribe
I was thinking about the Columbian union organizer that Coke had kidnapped and tortured to death a few years back.
Thanks for the additional info…maybe I can use that method on Congress someday.
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Sadly, No! » Sweet Jesus, do I hate Victor Davis Hanson said,
May 26, 2007 at 16:37
[...] new ones. May I suggest my own brilliant essays on the Left’s failure to learn the lessons of Cola Wars and the Punic Wars? After World War II, it wasn’t long before the Soviet Union ended our [...]