Feb
21

Britain’s Worst Mothra Mothre Mother




Posted at 12:49 by HTML Mencken

It’s been a while since we left a flaming bag of poop on our pal TBogg’s doorstep, but we couldn’t help tweeting the author of the America’s Worst Mother series soon after we saw this Daily Mail piece show up in our Facebook news feed. Here’s the lede:

Looking at the garish party invitation in my daughter’s hand, my heart sank. The venue was bad enough: the dirty, sticky soft play area at our local leisure centre. But the name of the birthday girl told me all I needed to know.

With her pierced ears, passion for pink leggings and array of electronic play equipment, Charmaine is definitely not the sort of child I want my daughter associating with. Pretending to look at my diary, I sighed. ‘Oh what a shame. We’re busy on that day.’

Poppy looked disappointed until I promised to organise an extra tennis lesson. ‘Why don’t you invite Maisie?’ I suggested, naming a classmate I do approve of.

From there it gets even more Oniony and April Foolsy, but is apparently serious. As it is outside our realm of expertise, we lay it down, cautiously ring the doorbell of a certain SoCal casa and run like hell.

37 Comments »

  1. Bozo the Cocksucker said,

    February 21, 2013 at 13:50

    Katie Hopkins is genuinely terrifying. She got famous from being on The Apprentice, where she came across as some kind of evil, peeled mutant vole who insulted everyone, except the guy she was fucking in between takes, and even scared the shit out of Alan Sugar when she became the first contestant to turn him down.

  2. Bozo the Cocksucker said,

    February 21, 2013 at 13:51

    Oh yeah, and her childcare arrangements frightened Sir Alen at the time as well.

  3. N__B said,

    February 21, 2013 at 14:07

    ‘Why don’t you invite Maisie?’

    Fear of vermin-borne disease?

  4. N__B said,

    February 21, 2013 at 14:09

    A different sort of mom.

  5. Major Kong said,

    February 21, 2013 at 14:45

    Never having heard of this woman I had to look her up. She sounds like a real piece of work.

  6. Major Kong said,

    February 21, 2013 at 14:50

    From her Wiki article:

    She also told the paper that she lost her virginity aged 17 after leaving a convent school and that she hopes to be a Member of Parliament for the Conservative Party, like Margaret Thatcher.

    If their politics are anything like ours she’ll be on the short-list for Prime Minister in a few years.

  7. mat said,

    February 21, 2013 at 15:06

    Vapid, myopic, solipsistic, unctuous, haughty…

    She’s a veritable feast of pathologies!

  8. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    February 21, 2013 at 15:37

    I’m with Major Kong.
    ~

  9. bbkf said,

    February 21, 2013 at 15:57

    From there it gets even more Oniony and April Foolsy, but is apparently serious

    holy shit…you ain’t just a’kiddin’, bucko…winnowing through all the pompous pretentious twaddle to find a favorite mango was hard, but this one won out not only for the delicious (ha) typo, but for its sheer b.s.:

    I am convinced that my tactics are paying off. Recently I asked Indiawhich children she liked to play with.

    ‘The children who come to school on time and wear proper school uniforms are the nicest and the most fun,’ she told me. ‘If children don’t put any effort in, I don’t want to play with them.’

  10. bbkf said,

    February 21, 2013 at 16:01


    At the risk of sounding snobbish, I also favour children who have good old-fashioned Victorian names such as George, Henry and Victoria. And, if a child has a name with a Latin or Greek derivation such as Ariadne or Helena, all the better. It indicates the parents are well educated.

    or pretentious snobs like you…also, too…i like how this is thrown in about 2/3 of the way into the article…cos all the other stuff she said heretofore is not snobby?

    she is a twanker…

  11. Shakezula said,

    February 21, 2013 at 16:02

    Spoof or truth? Here’s the tell:

    Is there ever any swooning because poor Poopsie was teased, taunted or stomped into the gravel by kiddies who read or heard about mumsie’s musings?

    If no,
    then,
    spoof.

    And not just spoof, but proof mum and offspring are such a joke around town that everyone feels sorry for them.

    This of course assumes the sprogs are real and she has custody.

  12. JohnR said,

    February 21, 2013 at 16:06

    I’m willing to concede that this fine young woman has some potential future as a pretentious twat (can a woman be a twat? I never thought about that before), but there is still a key question remaining unaddressed – does she, or does she not have hand-carved Himalayan pink salt in her well-appointed kitchen?

  13. bargal20 said,

    February 21, 2013 at 16:08

    Sheesh. It’s the Daily Mail. They’re notorious for trolling readers with articles like this. Google “Samantha Brick” if you don’t believe me.

  14. HTML Mencken said,

    February 21, 2013 at 16:13

    So I read in a lot of the comments there. Still, ya think they made it up out of whole cloth?

  15. bbkf said,

    February 21, 2013 at 16:14

    (can a woman be a twat? I never thought about that before),

    of course women can be twats…we have twats after all…i am still going with ‘twanker’ which is a cross between a twat and a wanker…

  16. N__B said,

    February 21, 2013 at 16:16

    I only approve of naming your child Cassandra if you intend to ignore everything she says.

  17. bargal20 said,

    February 21, 2013 at 16:17

    No, I don’t think the Daily Mail makes this shit up. I think they actively seek out “talent”.

  18. bbkf said,

    February 21, 2013 at 16:24

    No, I don’t think the Daily Mail makes this shit up. I think they actively seek out “talent”.

    gotta agree with you on this one…i liked jezebel’s take on the samantha brick thing…women do get pitted against each other in the media all the time…and as a gender we need to stop feeding that, but this twanker is an equal gender offender…

  19. paleotectonics said,

    February 21, 2013 at 17:21

    No, I don’t think the Daily Mail makes this shit up. I think they actively seek out “talent”.

    Revenant?

  20. paleotectonics said,

    February 21, 2013 at 17:26

    cross between a twat and a wanker

    Is that there one o’ those chimeras I done heard about? I knew the stem cell stuff was bad, but…

  21. D Johnston said,

    February 21, 2013 at 18:00

    ‘The children who come to school on time and wear proper school uniforms are the nicest and the most fun,’ she told me. ‘If children don’t put any effort in, I don’t want to play with them.’

    Yeah, there’s no way she said this. Little India (holy shit, these names) is eight. This is how eight-year olds talk on The Cosby Show. Either Hopkins made it up (and don’t I always tell people not to write dialogue for children if they don’t know how?) or her kids have already picked up a skill very common among those with uptight parents – parroting the right response.

  22. Shakezula said,

    February 21, 2013 at 18:28

    Wait, who the hell is India? Doesn’t she object to non-Victorian/Hellenic names?

    Man, stories about Bat Boy’s & Elvis’ Love Child are more convincing and internally consistent.

  23. jim the heretical anti-cliff lemming said,

    February 21, 2013 at 19:49

    “Twanker” is pure delicious WIN!

    there is still a key question remaining unaddressed – does she, or does she not have hand-carved Himalayan pink salt in her well-appointed kitchen?

    Bad news for pretentious bourgeois gits: I can go get a jug of that shit any time at London Drugs for about 15 bucks.
    If I become that stupid, I mean.

  24. Substance McGravitas said,

    February 21, 2013 at 20:30

    They currently attend a state primary school near our home in St Leonard’s, Exeter, but I plan for them to switch to the private sector for their secondary education.

    Their school is perfectly pleasant. But, inevitably, it has a broad mix of children from very different social backgrounds. I was educated privately – at a Catholic girls’ school – before taking a degree in Economics at the University of Exeter. So I am acutely aware of the benefits of meeting children from like-minded, high-achieving families.

    Hey, you kids from St. Leonards who aren’t playing with my kid? You are scum.

  25. tigris said,

    February 21, 2013 at 21:27

    So I am acutely aware of the benefits of meeting children from like-minded, high-achieving families.

    Isn’t she known for losing a “reality” show contest? I would think “at least one parent has a real job” would exceed the achievement level she’s reached, but maybe those parents are too snobby to let their darlings play with little Opium and Sepia.

  26. Alex said,

    February 21, 2013 at 22:34

    At the risk of sounding snobbish, I also favour children who have good old-fashioned Victorian names such as George, Henry and Victoria

    This is actually great advice, since following it will allow you to avoid assholes who name their children “Poppy” and “India.”

  27. Origami Isopod said,

    February 21, 2013 at 22:53

    This is the woman who was caught shtupping her married co-worker in a field. A fine model of personal qualities.

  28. Bitter Scribe said,

    February 21, 2013 at 23:55

    Why do I think that, as soon as her daughters hit puberty, they will start hanging out with the worst skanks they can find?

  29. Gag Halfrunt said,

    February 22, 2013 at 3:10

    So she’s been married twice, she’s twice had affairs with married men and she’s had children with two different men, plus the children from her first husband’s first marriage. I dare say that the Mail would thoroughly disapprove of her personal life were she not inclined to give her children names like “Poppy” and “India” rather than, for instance, “Charmaine”, and had she not gone to a private Catholic school, university and Sandhurst,

  30. Quaker in a Basement said,

    February 22, 2013 at 4:54

    Be careeful of the bassets as you’re running away from Chez Tbogg. You might trip over one.

  31. Baron Elmo said,

    February 22, 2013 at 10:23

    I can only hope that these kids stumble across this article in about six years or so. The ensuing fireworks should resemble an indoor Guy Fawkes Day.

  32. Marsupial said,

    February 22, 2013 at 10:38

    I don’t know… T seems tired. I don’t know if he can get off the sofa to answer the door.

  33. Crissa said,

    February 22, 2013 at 12:30

    I don’t want to insinuate, but isn’t the full spelling ‘Charmaine’ a name that’s more common among blacks than whites? Which would make this woman a tad racist, too.

  34. Alex said,

    February 22, 2013 at 17:44

    Nothing quite says “class” like having pictures of you out in a field schtupping a married co-worker published by an English tabloid.

  35. bbkf said,

    February 22, 2013 at 20:03

    This is the woman who was caught shtupping her married co-worker in a field. A fine model of personal qualities.

    it would seem that she doesn’t give a shit about those kinds of personal qualities…all that seems to matter is cleverness, ambition and an ability to claw your way to the top of reality tv…

  36. Lurking Canadian said,

    February 23, 2013 at 15:43

    I’m still stuck on the assumption that Maisie will be available, rather than attending Charmaine’s party. Is Maisie’s mother as much a avid social climber as Poppy’s?

  37. opie_jeanne said,

    February 24, 2013 at 0:29

    I wonder if Maisie’s mother has figured her out yet and is trying to avoid letting her child be around this woman.

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