Feb
12

Red State Championship Wrestling




Posted at 19:49 by HTML Mencken

Yes, the McMahons are wingnuts but they are more loyal to their business — dare I say craft or art form? — than to politics. They know that a necessary ingredient in watchable wrestling is a great heel; and a great heel must have a great gimmick.

Ladies and gentlemen, representing the Tea Party, Uncle Zebekiah Coulter:

Formerly known as Dutch Mantel, a real relic of a wrestler who has done pretty much everything in the business. He was a booker (writer) for many years and I wouldn’t be surprised if he scripts most or even all of his new wingnut character’s lines. He’ll be cheered in deep red places, hated in blue states. This is a special wingnut event for me as I was a huge wrestling fan as a kid and remember hating Dutch Mantell with a passion when he was in Memphis trolling Jerry Lawler. Good times.

Also, too: No politics & wrassling post could go without props to Andy Kaufman, the greatest heel/troll who ever lived:

And here’s Dirty Dutch from roughly the same era, as woolly as a Wookiee (or John Podhoretz) and using a brief but effective “bipartisan” gimmick:

64 Comments »

  1. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    February 12, 2013 at 20:18

    I had nearly forgotten that “rasslin” even still existed. I figured it would’ve died off after the internets made it easy to see that it was scripted and fake. That was silly of me, that’s what ‘merkans want in everything anyway.

  2. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    February 12, 2013 at 20:25

    I can’t be arsed to go look, but I hope this anti-immigrant rant was followed by a “match” between the redneck and a Luchador.

  3. Gerald Fnord said,

    February 12, 2013 at 20:31

    Wrestling is real; Reality is fixed.

  4. Bitter Scribe said,

    February 12, 2013 at 20:35

    So you hate the Cubs and you like pro wrestling.

    Mencken, I’m glad your political instincts are better than your sports ones.

  5. S. cerevisiae said,

    February 12, 2013 at 20:38

    One of my old undergrad professors was the son of a fairly well-known rasseler in the seventies, he had great stories of how it all really worked and about selling pictures and programs out on the road.

    Who will be the rasselin’ version of teh Kenyan Usurper?

  6. HTML Mencken said,

    February 12, 2013 at 20:44

    Yes, hate the Cubs who suck and always have sucked even though they are wealthy and whose fans are self-pitying freaks who should be put down en masse. I liked wrestling as a kid, not now; I only knew about this latest thing because I saw someone post in my fb feed. Everyone should love Andy Kaufman.

    I can be relatively nice when it comes to politics. Baseball is more serious. Cubs fans are worse than Nazi child molesters, worse than Jeffrey Dahmer, Gilles de Rais and Pol Pot combined. It is my daily prayer that a bajillion gigaton nuke, a tri-cobalt 60 device and a full spread of photon torpedoes hit Wrigley Field, followed by an F-5 tornado to sweep away all the irradiated Old Style & Lincoln Park Trixie debris.

  7. A former mayor said,

    February 12, 2013 at 20:47

    Wrestling is real; Reality is fixed.

    Rasslin’, maybe. Wrestling, not so much.

  8. Shakezula said,

    February 12, 2013 at 20:54

    IOC fixed wrestling in another sense.

  9. Pupienus said,

    February 12, 2013 at 20:55

    Wrestling, not so much.

    It would be much more popular if they staged Greco-Roman wrestling properly. I shall leave it to the reader to google up an appropriate image. Hint: you need to add a fourth search term to “greco roman wrestling”

  10. Substance McGravitas said,

    February 12, 2013 at 20:57

    I had nearly forgotten that “rasslin” even still existed.

    I always remember because of John Stossel.

  11. BringTheNoise said,

    February 12, 2013 at 21:02

    Who will be the rasselin’ version of teh Kenyan Usurper?

    Alberto Del Rio, rich Mexican who only just became a good guy when a (different) Redneck and his two buddies were mean to the Spanish-language commentators.

  12. J— said,

    February 12, 2013 at 21:09

    Who will be the rasselin’ version of teh Kenyan Usurper?

    Super Barrio.

  13. Major Kong said,

    February 12, 2013 at 21:10

    Someone from West Virginia once told me “I come from where they think wrestling is real and the moon landing was fake.”

  14. bughunter said,

    February 12, 2013 at 21:19

    The only thing I know about Pro Wrestling is that it produced b-list stars like Roddy Piper and Hulk Hogan, total wtf characters like Jesse Ventura, and that one of my childhood friends, who discovered his homosexuality about age 16 and committed suicide at age 20 because there was nobody to tell him it got better, would candidly tell anyone that he masturbated while watching wrestling on TV… which made it impossible for me to watch, even for cheap laughs.

    Oh, and the bit about Kaufman challenging women to wrassle, which I thought would be brilliant if you’ve got a butch fetish…

  15. Bitter Scribe said,

    February 12, 2013 at 21:24

    So whence the Cubs hate? You a White Sox fan?

    If so, please know that I, like most Cubs fans, have nothing against the Sox. I’m as benignly indifferent toward them as I am toward every useless slag heap that clutters up the South Side.

  16. bughunter said,

    February 12, 2013 at 21:24

    And don’t forget to Vote for Cerberus!!

    Cerb is in close second behind 70′s supergroup Styx, but Persephone is moving up from third…

  17. HTML Mencken said,

    February 12, 2013 at 21:24

    Now c’mon, people. The McMahons got to be the biggest promoters in the business because their base was in the Northeast. The people who filled Madison Square Garden every week to watch Bruno Sammartino and Andre the Giant weren’t from Arkansas or West Virginia.

  18. Pupienus said,

    February 12, 2013 at 21:29

    I wonder how Barry feels about it. http://i.imgur.com/KlfYhQ2.png

  19. HTML Mencken said,

    February 12, 2013 at 21:35

    So whence the Cubs hate? You a White Sox fan?

    No, I’m a fan of an NL team that is actually successful despite having now and historically less money than the Cubs to spend on players, and whose fan base is not almost wholly composed of wealthy fratboy douchelords, vapid Trixies, and proudly (even religiously) masochistic nutjobs who brandish their lovable loserdom as a gimp does his hood’s mouthzipper. In other words, my team could be any in the league aside the Mets.

    But now that you mention it, a White Sox fan does have honor despite that Joe Jackson thing a few eons ago. His team is a working class person’s team, and unlike Cubs fans, he can point to a Championship trophy his team has won in the last century.

  20. Substance McGravitas said,

    February 12, 2013 at 21:37

    Now c’mon, people. The McMahons got to be the biggest promoters in the business because their base was in the Northeast. The people who filled Madison Square Garden every week to watch Bruno Sammartino and Andre the Giant weren’t from Arkansas or West Virginia.

    What proportion of those people knew what they were watching?

    I figger the amount of stupid people will be about the same, but the amount of ignorant people will vary. Still, I would like to thank Arkansas for their amusing hippies.

  21. Bitter Scribe said,

    February 12, 2013 at 21:44

    But now that you mention it, a White Sox fan does have honor despite that Joe Jackson thing a few eons ago.

    I don’t give a shit about Joe Jackson, but for me the White Sox will always be defined by that motormouth homophobic asshole Ozzie Guillen and that shithead who harassed Craig Biggio’s wife during the Series. (Said shithead was a physician, IIRC. Not even educated Sox fans have class.)

  22. HTML Mencken said,

    February 12, 2013 at 21:47

    But Substance, no one apart from kids watched it cuz it was “real,” they watched it cuz it was funny!

  23. HTML Mencken said,

    February 12, 2013 at 21:49

    Arkansas hippies? Must be Eureka Springs. Love that place.

  24. Howlin Wolfe said,

    February 12, 2013 at 22:03

    I always remember because of John Stossel.
    The mustache of fail.

  25. Substance McGravitas said,

    February 12, 2013 at 22:03

    The hippies were “outside” Fayetteville, which just seemed to trail off. But anyway, apart from personal experience with wrestling true believers, if JOHN STOSSEL saw fit to try to prove that wrestling was fake, I imagine there are enough adult libertarians out there to demand that sort of exposé.

  26. Major Kong said,

    February 12, 2013 at 22:07

    I think professional wrestling is mostly soap opera for men.

  27. Enraged Bull Limpet said,

    February 12, 2013 at 22:28

    I hope all you Sadlies took notes during the latter half of that first clip. AK was indeed a wonder of the world who faked his own death far too soon.

  28. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    February 12, 2013 at 22:36

    Ladies and gentlemen, representing the Tea Party, Uncle Zebekiah Coulter:

    He’ll never hold a candle to Ed Anger.

    AK was indeed a wonder of the world who faked his own death far too soon.

    Another Kiwi? But… but… he posts regularly!

  29. Enraged Bull Limpet said,

    February 12, 2013 at 22:37

    –Er, not the first first clip, the first of the three ‘neath the jump.

  30. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    February 12, 2013 at 22:42

    if JOHN STOSSEL saw fit to try to prove that wrestling was fake, I imagine there are enough adult libertarians out there to demand that sort of exposé.

    They’re just now coping with the fact that Ron Paul is fake- baby steps… baby steps…

  31. Substance McGravitas said,

    February 12, 2013 at 22:44

    Another Kiwi? But… but… he posts regularly!

    Only a sellout would fake his own fake death.

  32. Major Kong said,

    February 12, 2013 at 22:49

    Only a sellout would fake his own fake death.

    Relevant:

    http://www.oglaf.com/umbra/1/

  33. Alicia Morgan said,

    February 12, 2013 at 23:00

    I’m from Tampa, where wresting was KING in the 60s and 70s, and one of my older brother’s best friends was the son of announcer Gordon Solie, so we followed it religiously. My favorite wrestler was Dusty Rhodes, the American Dream. Rhodes and Solie were the Ali and Cosell of wrestling. We all knew it was fake – that was what made it fun. It was pure theater – I wouldn’t have enjoyed it if I thought it was real. Good times at the Fort Homer Hesterly Armory.

  34. Oregon Beer Snob said,

    February 12, 2013 at 23:12

    We all knew it was fake – that was what made it fun. It was pure theater – I wouldn’t have enjoyed it if I thought it was real. Good times at the Fort Homer Hesterly Armory.

    Me and my friends used to watch rasslin’ when we were kids in the late ’70s. The normal kids all knew it was fake. And then there were always a couple other ones that absolutely insisted it was 100% real, and would try to put you in a full nelson if you dared to mock them for it. They were fun to mock.

    Around here we watched Portland Wrestling on one of the the local stations. I remember in high school a couple of the girls I knew loved rasslin’ so much they became groupies and would go to the matches and hang out afterward to do FSM-only-knows with the rasslers. I never could understand that.

  35. Substance McGravitas said,

    February 12, 2013 at 23:16

    There’s also a sliding scale for the believers – sure this one’s a fake match, but THAT one was REAL. See also Protein Wisdom…

  36. Hogeye Grex said,

    February 12, 2013 at 23:17

    AK was indeed a wonder of the world who faked his own death far too soon.

    But his new work as Victoria Jackson is approaching genius.

  37. Hogeye Grex said,

    February 12, 2013 at 23:18

    Ah, rasslin’. “The only sport that isn’t fixed.”

    Yeah. Someone said that to me once. With a straight face.

  38. Pupienus said,

    February 12, 2013 at 23:19

    I note without comment the frequency of “relevant” links around here that go to oglaf.

  39. kg said,

    February 12, 2013 at 23:20

    My favorite was the guy who would hit people over the head with a guitar full of talc.

  40. HTML Mencken said,

    February 12, 2013 at 23:21

    Amen to that, Alicia. Yes, wrestling was wonderful theater. How to make a wrestling-hating older hipster’s head explode: tell them Bob Mould of Husker Du loved it so much he got a job writing it.

  41. HTML Mencken said,

    February 12, 2013 at 23:23

    But his new work as Victoria Jackson is approaching genius.

    I laffed.

  42. Helmut Monotreme said,

    February 12, 2013 at 23:31

    My favorite was the guy who would hit people over the head with a guitar full of talc.

    Quickdraw McGraw was a wrestler?

  43. bughunter, who will be OT in this thread, said,

    February 12, 2013 at 23:33

    Residents of Montana, BEWARE!

    Civil authorities in your area have reported that the bodies of the dead are rising from their graves and attacking the living. Follow the messages onscreen that will be updated as information becomes available. Do not attempt to approach or apprehend these bodies, as they are considered extremely dangerous.

    Teh zombie invasion has begun!

  44. Jennifer said,

    February 12, 2013 at 23:37

    Lest we forget, this happened in Little Rock back in 1997:

    Promoter cites wrestling fans in Barton fray
    SETH BLOMELEY
    ARKANSAS DEMOCRAT-GAZETTE
    World Wrestling Federation performers and promoters, known for “casket
    matches” and body slams, say they’re concerned about safety if they
    return to Little Rock after a ruckus this week by Arkansas wrestling
    fans.
    “A little rowdy is one thing, but throwing things and injuring
    people is another,” spokesman Jay Adronaco said Tuesday from the
    wrestling federation home office in Stamford, Conn. “These [wrestlers]
    have families to take care of and mortgages to pay and have to work the
    next day.”
    Monday night at Barton Coliseum, the wrestling federation canceled
    the final match of an eight-bout event after fans threw beer bottles,
    chairs, smoke bombs and wadded-up, ice-filled cups at the ring. One
    wrestler, Hunter Hearst-Helmsley, was hit in an eye, which became “very
    swelled up,” Adronaco said.
    Another wrestler, Shawn Michaels, warned fans to stop pelting the
    stage or the final match — a tag team bout between the Nation of
    Domination and the Disciples of the Apocalypse — would be canceled. But
    fans ignored him, and the wrestlers retreated to the dressing room.
    That infuriated the crowd and worsened the situation, according to
    police and others among the 6,000 in attendance.
    “It looked like a full-fledged riot was about to break out,” said
    Adam Duvall, 23, of Little Rock, who took his 14-year-old brother. “One
    lady got hit in the back of the head. I didn’t see one security guard.”
    A Jacksonville man who brought his 12-year-old son also complained
    about the lack of guards.
    Security must be addressed at Barton Coliseum before the wrestling
    federation returns, Adronaco said.
    Little Rock police provided six officers, and the arena staffed the
    event with 25 guards. Metropolitan Emergency Medical Services reported
    one injury from a fight.
    Police said they arrested about 12 people on misdemeanor alcohol
    charges, including four or five juveniles. Officers made one disorderly
    conduct arrest.
    “We did everything we could do,” Officer Terry Hastings said. “But
    when you have 5,000 people getting rowdy, I’m not sure we have enough
    people in the Police Department.”
    The wrestling federation also canceled a Sunday night event in
    Memphis after fans spit on and threw beer and garbage at wrestlers,
    including the hometown hero, Jerry “The King” Lawler, said Wade Keller,
    editor of Pro Wrestling Torch, a national newsletter based in Minnesota.
    “They felt disrespected,” Keller said of the wrestlers.
    In 10 years of covering wrestling, Keller said, he’s never heard of
    cancellations two days in a row. He said wrestling federation officials
    may have been unusually cautious in Little Rock because of what happened
    in Memphis.
    Similarly, Jim Pledger, State Fairgrounds manager, and Claude
    Carpenter, secretary of the state Athletics Commission, which monitors
    wrestling, judo and tough-man competitions, said they’ve experienced no
    prior problems with wrestling.
    Grounds crews arrived at 6 a.m. Tuesday, working feverishly to clean
    the arena for graduation ceremonies that evening for the University of
    Arkansas at Little Rock.
    “It was pitiful,” said Ruben Heredie, describing the mess he found
    when he came to work.
    At noon, about 50 garbage-filled boxes and bags lay by the entrance.
    Next to empty beer bottles were signs made by individual wrestlers’
    fans, including “Undertaker Fears Kane,” “You’ve been stunned because
    Stone Cold says so” and “Owwww have mercy Dude Love.”
    The 328-pound Undertaker fought Rocky Maivia in the “Casket Match”
    Monday night, before the cancellation.
    Organizers are puzzled about what touched off the melee. One person
    who attended said several fans arrived drunk.
    But don’t blame the wrestlers, said Ron Turchi, an Athletics
    Commission inspector present for the event.
    “Without question the WWF did everything they could to do the
    match,” Turchi said. “They didn’t provoke anybody that I saw.”
    He compared the flying objects to the Persian Gulf War.
    “It was raining in there,” Turchi said. “The big insult was when
    Danny Hodge, a wrestler from the old days, the ’50s and ’60s, was being
    presented the ‘Living Legend’ plaque. People were throwing things at
    him.
    “[Fans] didn’t show police or security people any respect. One guy
    was clinging to the rails. He wouldn’t leave.”
    Pledger said the wrestling federation hasn’t been to Barton since
    1989, though a competing wrestling league, World Championship Wrestling,
    has visited Little Rock in recent years.
    The state Farm and Ranch Club sponsored Monday’s event, Carpenter
    said.
    Although fans complained about the cancellation of the last match,
    the wrestling federation has no plans to refund tickets, which cost $12
    and $20.
    “I highly doubt that will change,” Adronaco said.
    Any complaints may be sent to the World Wrestling Federation Fan
    Service Department at 1241 East Main St., Stamford, Conn. 06902.

    My favorite part of this story has always been about how the wrestlers felt disrespected. That, and, how redneck does your city have to be before the WWF refuses to go there?

  45. DAS said,

    February 12, 2013 at 23:37

    Who will be the rasselin’ version of teh Kenyan Usurper? – S. cerevisiae

    Isn’t Joe Biden already a professional wrestler? I can certainly imagine him as one.

    As I believe I’ve mentioned here before, the SNL parody of the VP debates got me thinking: in an actual fight (greco-roman wrestling, mixed-martial arts, street fighting, you name it), Obama would clean Romney’s clock and similarly Biden would clean Ryan’s.

    And it goes without saying that Michelle Obama could take on any of the men mentioned above and kick their asses. Which is part of what makes Michelle Obama hawt.

    Fortunately, when my daughter was really young, when she saw Michelle Obama on TeeVee for the first time, she exclaimed “Mommy! You’re on TV!”. It was then that my wife and I figured that my daughter needed more exposure to racial diversity. But it does get me a “get out of jail free” card whenever I notice Michelle Obama’s, as they used to put it, “charms”.

  46. Smut Clyde said,

    February 12, 2013 at 23:41

    the frequency of “relevant” links around here that go to oglaf.

    What do you expect? 16th-century woodcuts?

  47. John Revolta said,

    February 12, 2013 at 23:41

    Fake rasslin’ is gonna be the only kind you can get.

  48. John Revolta said,

    February 12, 2013 at 23:46

    I am now self-aheming.

  49. DAS said,

    February 12, 2013 at 23:57

    Speaking as a heterosexual male, I would much rather watch the wrestling match photographed in the link than WWE … for the pure joy of watching the athleticism … yeah, that’s it. Not because I would imagine those two nice young ladies fighting over me … nope … no-siree.

  50. Dr.KennethNoisewater said,

    February 13, 2013 at 0:39

    Arkansas hippies? Must be Eureka Springs. Love that place.

    Me too.

  51. Jennifer said,

    February 13, 2013 at 1:16

    Eureka Springs holds Gay Pride each spring at the same time they host the UFO convention. For years I’ve wanted to go up there with a few dozen T-shirts depicting a couple of aliens walking down the ramp from their spaceship, holding hands, with the title “We’re here and we’re queer.”

  52. not a gator said,

    February 13, 2013 at 1:25

    OT Catholic Nonsense:

    So, if Timothy Dolan became Pope, truly an outside possibility at best, would he be forced to renounce his American citizenship? The Constitution says something about needing Congressional approval… oh shit… they’d probably give it. Traitors.

  53. not a gator said,

    February 13, 2013 at 1:28

    Fucking wrassling! My “you’re never an ex-” Marine coworker loveable loudmouth divorce who we all think is kinda… bi once told me that if it hadn’t been for the horse he scotched plans to go to college after ‘Bama dropped, as he put it, “wrassling”. I thought he was joking because wrassling? Fer realz? But he was for serious. Given his propensity to dance with/flirt with/go on dates with males… Ahem.

  54. not a gator said,

    February 13, 2013 at 1:28

    that’s divorcé but you’ll never hear it from me!

  55. not a gator said,

    February 13, 2013 at 1:36

    It would be much more popular if they staged Greco-Roman wrestling properly.

    Utter disrespect for tradition, I tells you! The whole world is going down the tubes! Hrrm, sana mens, sanum corpus, I say. What’s all this rot, school uniforms in the Gymnasium? It’s not called a Gymnasium for nothing, you know! I’d wager these preening no-knowthings wouldn’t know a strigil from a frigidarium!

  56. bughunter, who will be OT in this thread, said,

    February 13, 2013 at 1:59

    WooHoo! Cerberus has surged ahead!

    But keep voting, cuz we still have nearly an entire week to go… those Styx fans and pomegranate suckers aren’t going to sit idly by…

  57. Cerberus said,

    February 13, 2013 at 2:29

    New post. With this many writers going at the same time, it’s almost like we’re a real site again.

  58. well said,

    February 13, 2013 at 4:23

    dood likes pro wrestling but hates the Cubs. Ok.

  59. Bozo the Cocksucker said,

    February 13, 2013 at 13:04

    The thing about wrestling is that you don’t watch it as a sport, you watch it as a soap opera about a sport. Unless you’re thick.

  60. Austin Loomis said,

    February 13, 2013 at 16:21

    FYWP for making me repost. Anyroad, here’s what I got when I clicked through Oglaf’s age verification (after having to allow NoScript to recognize oglaf.com):

    Forbidden (403)

    CSRF verification failed. Request aborted.

    More information is available with DEBUG=True.

    Then again, this may be a goodness. My first Oglaf was the strip with the survivor of a cockbat attack, and I’ve been leery of it ever since.

  61. Bozo the Cocksucker said,

    February 13, 2013 at 16:42

    Oglaf’s great and all, but as someone who believes semen should be neither seen nor heard, it’s not really my thing.

  62. tigris said,

    February 13, 2013 at 17:10

    I got that too, Austin, but a reload made it appear.

  63. Jackwagon said,

    February 13, 2013 at 17:19

    I feel like this promo was a little bit too subtle.

  64. M. Bouffant said,

    February 14, 2013 at 8:34

    Late-ish, but a not-unrelated blog-pimping.

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