In a world, where the NRA has completely lost the plot…
No. That’s not sarcasm, the NRA has a ginormous list of “enemies” “with Anti-Gun policies”* that it’s decided to pop up on their main site with a “who will rid me of this meddlesome priest” air.
And, Bob help me, it might be one of the crackiest lists I have ever seen. The list of enemies includes some obvious candidates:
Coalition to Stop Gun Violence
Committee for the Study of Handgun Misuse & World Peace
Disarm Educational Fund
But the rest of the list seems wholly designed to eliminate any possible avenue of support that the NRA could hope to have.
Like the blacks:
Black Mental Health Alliance
Congress of National Black Churches, Inc.
National Political Congress of Black Women
National Association for the Advancement of Colored People
Maya Angelou – Poet
Southern Christian Leadership Conference
But, really, that’s just obvious… wait, was one of those a single name?
Can’t focus on that, what about the jews or the latin@s?
Union of American Hebrew Congregations
Central Conference of American Rabbis
National Council of La Raza
And can’t forget about women.
General Federation of Women`s Clubs
League of Women Voters of the United States
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence**
National Organization for Women
YWCA of the U.S.A.
But let’s be honest, most of those are hippie liberal type groups and the various minority scum they support. It’s not like the NRA is going after anyone who matters like the most persecuted group ever: White American Christians.
Unitarian Universalist Association
United Methodist Church, General Board & Church Society
Mennonite Central Committee-Washington Office
Lutheran Office for Governmental Affairs, Evangelical Lutheran Church in America
Episcopal Church-Washington Office
U.S. Catholic Conference, Dept. of Social Development
And at this point, the NRA begins to go off the rails into pure hilarity.
Know who’s pure Satan? How about doctors?
American Medical Association
American Academy of Pediatrics
American Academy of Ambulatory Care Nursing
American Association for the Surgery of Trauma
American Association of Neurological Surgeons
American Nurses Association
American Association of School Administrators
American Federation of Teachers
The fucking PTA?!?
National Parent, Teachers Association
And it just keeps getting better:
American Civil Liberties Union
Yeah, that’s right, old people are on their shit list.
American Bar Association
And there go all the lawyers.
American Firearms Association
Wait, what? They’re going after other fucking gun owners?!?
There are so many wonderful insane entries to enjoy that you almost forget that it gets crazier later on. Next up we get the individual enemy list which really needs to be seen to be believed.
Richard Dean Anderson – Actor
Kevin Bacon – Actor
Alec Baldwin – Actor
Boys II Men – Pop Group
Jon Bon Jovi – Singer
Dr. Joyce Brothers – Psychologist/Author
Mel Brooks – Actor/Director
Sean Connery – Actor
Ellen Degeneres – Actress
Richard Dreyfus – Actor
Kenneth “Babyface” Edmonds – Singer
Nora Ephron – Director
Doug Flutie – NFL player
Art Garfunkel – Singer
Geraldo – TV personality
Bryant Gumbel – TV Personality
Yes, that’s right. The sportscaster is on their shit list.
Lisa Kudrow – Actress
k.d. lang – Singer
And with that, you’ve lost every lesbian forever.
Tara Lipinski – Former Olympian
Barry Manilow – Singer
Mase – Singer
MA$E? Really? A huge number of songs were about firing his gat and shit, how the hell did he end up on your enemy list?
Natalie Merchant – Singer
N Sync – Music group
Oh come on. N’Sync hasn’t been together in over a fucking decade. Now you’re just making shit up.
Leonard Nimoy – Actor
Michelle Pfieffer – Actress
Mary Lou Retton – Former Olympian
Robert Redford – Actor/Director
Anne Rice – Writer
Neil Simon – Playwright
Patrick Stewart – Actor
Sting – Singer
Jonathan Taylor Thomas – Actor
Jonathan Taylor Thomas? Sting? Is this an old list from the 90s or something? Are you such out-of-touch shut-ins that you have been unaware of the movement of pop culture in the last decade or more?
The Temptations – Pop Group
The Temptations?!? Are they even still alive? One sec… (fire up google machine) huh, what do you know, they’re even still touring and releasing their 49th album. Well, good for them.
Oprah Winfrey – Entertainer
Dick Van Dyke – Actor
Ahmet Zappa -Actor
Diva Zappa -Actress
Dweezil Zappa – Musician
Gail Zappa -
Moon Zappa -Actress
Yeah, that’s right, every single one of Frank Zappa’s kids. Man, they must have hated him.
Oh and let’s not forget that any political cartoonist who has ever penned anything even remotely critical of the NRA apparently needs to die too.
Tom Oliphant- Columnist
Tim Toles – Cartoonist
Garry Trudeau – Cartoonist
And then when our sides can’t take it anymore. We get the companies.
American Century Companies
James E. Stowers, CEO
4500 Main St., 4th Floor
Kansas City, MO 64111
Mutual Fund & Stock Investment Company on NYSE
Blue Cross Blue Shield – Kansas City
John P. Mascotte, President
P.O. Box 419169
Kansas City, MO 64141
Irvine O. Hockaday, President & CEO
P.O. Box 418307
Kansas City, MO 64141
Greeting Card Company
Kansas City Royals
David Glass, CEO
P.O. Box 419969
Kansas City, MO 64141
Pro Baseball Team
Levi Strauss & Co.
Robert D. Haas, Chairman
Philip Marineau, CEO
Peter A. Jacobi, President and COO
1155 Battery St.
San Francisco, CA 94111
FAX (415) 501-3939
Sara Lee Corporation
Sara Lee Foundation
Three First National Plaza
Chicago, IL 60602-4260
Followed by pretty much every news organization known to man.
It’s a strange feeling. Growing up, the NRA has always been an immovable force in the political landscape. One of the few lobbies that no amount of public outrage can remove from the levers of political power.
But now? They’re gibbering about sniper nests in the classrooms and publishing hate lists that include every last motherfucker on the planet.
Suddenly, they are no longer scary. They no longer seem immovable. They don’t even fully seem relevant anymore. Even the gun nuts themselves are becoming hesitant about being chained to this fucking lead anchor of an organization.
Perhaps, for the first time, we can begin to hope that things might change. That sanity might return to the gun debate. And that things, for the first time, might change for the better.
Now excuse me, I’m running late for a meeting with cadre brothers Peter Bonerz and Matt Damon at the local YWCA for our annual anarchist barbeque and Gun-Owner torture ceremony.
*I can’t even begin to mine all the comedy out of this one, so please, list your favorite inclusions in the comment sections.
**And there’s a tell right there about what they actually support.