Pew pew pew, now fall down Federal Government, I shot you!
Bob Owens, The Website Formerly Known as Confederate Wanker:
Shock the system
I’ve said before that what wingnuts lack most is creativity and I think nothing better demonstrates that than the coked-up fantasies wingnuts come up with to describe their idea of what real life is like.
I mean, sure, we had D&D towers and Tim Allen rolls in the last post, but overall, the fantasies just boiled down to the same sad refrain: “they want to live in an action movie and kill someone without going to jail”.
Now, not every fantasy needs to be a sci-fi/fantasy epic involving queer unicorns and space ninja leprechauns, I have my own suite of more mundane fantasies about things like being born my correct gender, not having been sexually assaulted in front of my mom and partner*, or sending all the wingnuts of the world off to smoke some weed and come back in a couple of years so we can try and fix the most egregious stuff wrong with our planet in the meantime.
But still… what the wingnuts come up with, what they cling to as a desperate substitute for a reality they find cloistering, confusing, and painful just makes them look… pathetic.
Take our latest case in point:
Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):
- The fact that some douchebags working for a subcontracted security firm only mildly invested in finding me because my employer was too stupid to call ahead, couldn’t find me in a manner I consider timely, me and my fellow armed insurrection LARPers could totally cripple America without ever being caught ever.
Yes, really. Here’s the tagline:
Just one example of how the government could lose a civil conflict
But hey, if fantasies about how I could hold off an entire US military filled with tanks, fighter planes, and unarmed drones with my M16 were something so important to me I’d back child murderers and terrorists, I guess I’d grasp at straws too.
I keep reading comments from arrogant progressives who delight in the assault on gun rights
And how can you filthy bastards sleep at night! Gleefully smirking after political victories stripping away the rights of brave guns just trying to use the bathroom or create a legal family with the one they love? So arrogantly you strip away such important rights as… er… restrictions on voting? Denial of equal pay? Forced deportation?
Well, whatever it is, it’s bad and came from out of nowhere.
led by their elected and appointed allies in the recent weeks since a madman gunned down innocent children in a school in Newtown, CT.
Oh right, yeah, that. The latest mass shooting in a painful lineage of them because we here in America believe that a white person’s right to own as many murder devices of as many types as they can physically house should be trumped by nothing so petty as other people’s lives not to be shot or not living in perpetual fear of literally delusional paranoid bigots wandering around everywhere with gats strapped to their legs.
Yeah, I can see how the real victims of that were the poor gun owners.
They seem to think they can impose any indignity and infringment they want without repercussion, because the President of the United States is one of them
Ow, goddamnitt cracker, can you turn up the dog whistle? I’m not sure the chihuahuas down in Mexico quite heard it.
he’s the leader of the nation’s military, and he can therefore win any battle against America’s freedom fighters who might rise up to restore their constitutional rights currently under assault.
And that’s why you and the other treason role players have strongly supported every new military advancement and expansion of executive power possible. So that if those “others” ever did elect a “President” who was sick of your shit, he’d have enough flying death robots and city-erasing missiles to ruin your day without having to crease his suit.
One second, I need to go get a thesaurus, because there are only so many ways in the English language to call you a fucking idiot and I suspect I’m going to need all of them before we’re done here today.
They don’t understand asymmetrical warfare in the slightest
No, Mr. Mirror Master, I guess they just don’t understand asymmetrical warfare what with the way they support endlessly spiralling military money and wars of choice in urban environments and like to treat a handful of angry citizens with rocks like an existential threat. Maybe they should learn some more lessons before spouting their mouth off.
(shake head)… You (flip, flip)copulating cretin.
much less how it would be waged here. Let me give you just one small example of how a lone wolves or small teams can strike well beyond their size against a near defenseless leviathan.
Like, OMG, Snape will like totally tell Harry that like he was only super-duper mean to him because he reminded him of Lily so much, and then he’ll reach up to his scar with his hand and like then dragons burst out and totally take down that Slut Becky who’s been spreading those nasty rumors about me all over school. She is such a leviathan!
After the Dot Com bubble burst in the early 2000s, I took a job in upstate New York for a subcontractor of Central Hudson Gas and Electric. I was part of a crew sent out to map electrical transmission line power poles and towers via GPS, check the tower footings for integrity, check the best routes for access, etc.
So… you were a tower jockey for the electric company… or rather not even that, you were the douchebag who drives along the road and notes whether or not the downed connection the customer complained about seven days ago might have something to do with the decaying power line they reported in their angry call.
I’m not sure how this adequately prepared you for a life of terrorism and hiding out from the law. But, please, go on.
It meant I rode quads (ATVs) through mountains, swamps, forests, neighborhoods and farms all over southern New York, in winter’s icy chill and blowing snow, and in summer’s melting heat. It was exhausting work, often in beautiful scenery.
How exhausting? Like super exhausting. I mean, there was all the pedals and… I mean, what if the ATV ran out of gas somewhere? I’d have to like actually physically get out of my nature destroying useless ass douchebag recreational vehicle and like… WALK! In the woods!
There might be bears out in those woods. Or chipmunks. Or something. It’s really scary, man! Barely got out with my life is what I did! Like a real man… punch. Ow. Stupid hard Obama air, broke my nail is what it did.**
We probably averaged 20 miles of line a day, and that over the course of the contract I easily rode a thousand miles. I can tell you stories of flipping quads, sinking quads, going down a mountain without brakes, almost hitting deer at top speed, and parking on the remains of an electrocuted bear, but that isn’t really what I remember most about the job.
PLEASE BELIEVE I AM BUTCH! I nearly killed a deer! Like for reals! I am totally a manly man doing “real” “manly” “work” TM! I could take down the government with one flex of my mighty pecs… someone believes me… right?
No, what I remember most about the job were the days we spent up near the Rondout Reservoir. What I remember in specific was discovering how powerless the government was to protect key utilities.
… Yes… how “powerless” the “government” is in protecting key utilities… You do realize that most utilities are owned by private companies, right? Like the private company you worked for? Hence why our electricity and gas comes far more expensively than every other first world nation’s, works far less often, has worse customer service, is often outright scamming us, and is working on grids last improved back in the 1930s, i.e. the last time the government was allowed to throw any sort of real money at the issue?
You’re not really so much of a (flip flip) fornicating imbecile as to try and blame the federal government for how little private companies spend on security as compared to dirtbikes for terrorizing the local wildlife and saving their lazy workers the indignity of hiking… right?
In a post-9/11 New York, where terrorism was foremost on the minds of many, you simply didn’t mess around near New York City’s water supply, and Roundout was part of that equation.
… Of course, you are. And also insert joke here about how if the government (and New York in particular) gave a shit about water and power supplies they wouldn’t be as shit and deregulated as they are.
I mean, not to burst Bob’s bubble, but we here in America couldn’t care less about our electricity and water supplies. We regularly let it be wasted in semi-functional pipes, horribly outdated distribution systems, and unacceptable environmental standards and enforcement.
When I still lived in Southern California, one of my favorite hiking paths went all the way around one of the major reservoirs for the city. Because no one cared. And if they did, even after 9/11, we never would have let Bush jack up the arsenic rate like a Captain Planet villain.
Is this the setup for your big proof? Taking down our nearly decayed utilities? What would be your encore? Disrupting the bus lines to make them unreliable? Putting drano in the sewer water to poison our fish supplies? Drill for oil in a major fishing zone and nickel and dime it to the point that it creates a massive nearly unfixable oil spill which you will then respond to in a way that makes an entire body of water completely unsafe for human fishing? Oh wait, someone beat you to that one! (flip flip) Procreating Nincompoop!
The thought that we could be viewed as a threat as we rode the hills around the reservoir for several days never crossed our minds, because we were focused on our jobs minding the electrical transmission lines, not the waters flowing nearby.
Wait? Your brain-dead company didn’t phone ahead and say “hey, FYI, we’re going to have a bunch of inebriated yokels on dirtbikes riding through pretending to look at power line poles that are for some reason not following existing roadways, try not to arrest them, k thanx, bye?”
And this is somehow the government’s fuckup?
Would you prefer it if some slack-mouthed (flip flip)tribbing tomfool plinked you between the eyes with his gun fetish concealed carry because TURRISTS?!?
Naked Recreation Nitwit! Mating moron! Taint-Whispering Incompetent!
It wasn’t until late on the second day, where we parked right beside the dam’s offices, that law enforcement caught up to us.
Because they didn’t fucking care.
Apparently we’d been the on again, off again suspects in a low intensity chase for two days
Yes. Low-intensity chase, because they didn’t give a fuck. Actually have something going through the chatter about some camo-patched motherfuckers with a canister of C4 and some actual legitimate law enforcement breathing down their necks and I imagine you and your boy Friday would have been singing a different tune.
Or fuck, if just one of you had been black or brown, or god forbid, sikh! We’d have never have heard this story again, because they’d be still trying to figure out a place to transfer you to from Guantanamo so they didn’t have to admit putting you there in the first place!
with the law enforcement agency that was in charge of providing security for the reservoir (NYDNR, maybe?) trying to chase us down, without any luck. They didn’t catch us until we parked the truck beside their HQ on the afternoon of the second day and began unloading our gear right under their windows.
That it took them 14 hours to “catch” us was a little unsettling.
Having the Physical Act of Sexual Intercourse.
Person with low curiosity, information, and data-processing ability about the world that surrounds them.
You and your fellow parasites have fought tooth and goddamn nail to utterly decimate any federal agency that isn’t the police or the military and have fought to deregulate everything to the point where important security duties were being delegated to rent-a-cops and wannabe George Zimmerman’s…
And then you use the complete ineptitude of said subcontracting agencies failing to solve the cock-up of your privatized public utility company phoning ahead about your douchebag squad’s little dirtbike romp to try and argue that the government so neatly cut out of all of this had FUCK ALL to do with anything in this basket of fail.
Then I started thinking about the much more fragile structures we were working beside routinely.
Yes, maybe we should care about those “fragile structures”. Maybe important public utilities we all count on for life shouldn’t be in the hands of private companies and whatever band of freakshow rejects they employ to watch over things. Maybe we shouldn’t respond like fucking lemmings the next time some greedy ass monopoly pitches the notion of “privatization” because “less government regulations and standards will mean less cost… before we jack up the rates because hey, monopoly!”
In short, you have made a much stronger argument for why we should be bringing all these utilities back into the hands of our government where they can be updated, regulated, and properly run than you ever could about your wannabe insurrectionist fantasy.
You see, we’d ridden up to edge of the Danskammer and Roseton power generating stations, and a dozen or more unattended substations during the course of this contract, without being challenged at all.
Um… weren’t you working for the power company? Likely wearing your power company uniform? Doing actual work for the power company you were employed by?
Why would they notice the pack of mouth-breathing company-ATV-riding (flip flip) anal fisting boneheads they themselves sent out to check their own substations?
And on that note, why was your company spending money on environmentally tragic dirt-bikes rather than some guys in the wake of 9-effing-11 to stand around the substations and pretend to be working. I mean, we were kinda going through a recession back then. I don’t doubt a good number of people would have been grateful for the work.
Substations like the one above could be accessed not just from surface roads, but from access trails under the power lines by people with UTVs, ATVs, and motorcycles.
Well, yeah, because those trails and surface roads are specifically there so power company workers can go to their substations and make repairs as needed. If they weren’t accessible, you’d probably need to give your employees ATVs or…
Actually, that’s a good point, why did your employer give you ATVs when you could just drive up the surface roads or down some unpaved dirt roads from said surface roads to get to your destinations?
Just like the residential transformers in your neighborhood, the transformers in substations are cooled with a form of mineral oil. If someone decides to blast a transformer at its base as prepper Bryan Smith did, and the oil drains out, then the transformer either burns out catastrophically, or if the utility is lucky, a software routine notices the problem and shuts the substation (or at least the affected portion) down. The power must then be rerouted through the remaining grid until that transformer can be replaced and any other resulting damage can be repaired.
Your link goes to an equally pathetic fantasist who was dumb enough to actually believe the media hype about the fiscal cliff who is, I guess, who you are talking about.
But I’ll note that that disturbing portrait of a complete (flip flip) screwing simpleton notes that said (flip) pinhead hasn’t actually broken open any transformers but has merely thought about doing it as a means of keeping his generator going because going to the store and buying fuel is for liberals and pansies.
Were an angry group of disenfranchised citizens to target in a strategic manner the substations leading to a city or geographic area—say, Albany, for example—they could put the area in the dark for as long as it took to bring the substations back online. Were they committed enough, and spread their attacks out over a wide enough area, perhaps mixing in a few tens of dozens of the residential transformers found every few hundred yards along city streets, they could overwhelm the utility companies ability to repair the damage being caused or law enforcement’s ability to stop them. The government could perhaps assign a soldier or cop for every transformer, substation and switch, but they’d run out of men long before they ran out of things they need guarded. Not that the government could even guarantee to actually protect the transformers they were guarding; a residential transformer is a big, stationary target, and the substation transformers and switches and other equipment even bigger targets. Residential transformers are easily “touched” by even a moderately competent deer hunter from hundreds of yards away, perhaps separated by roads, subdivisions, swamps or streams. Substations are a dense area target easily struck from a half-mile or more away.
Meanwhile, the lone wolves and small teams would simply shift to other targets of opportunity left unguarded by an overwhelmed and outmatched government force, of which there are many.
And then, those lone wolves could escape back through the closet door back into Narnia.
Because we’d officially be reading the least believable author-insertion fanfic since 50 Shades of Grey.
Yeah, you know what? We do have idiots in charge of our utilities. And the second said idiots let through the “Wolverines” dickhead with the C4, it’d be officially out of their hands and in the hands of angry people with actual power.
And said people will find you and try to arrest you. And like so many other “lone wolves” in your psycho terrorism club, you might even take a few down… well, not you, specifically, you’d start weeping and shitting yourself at the first sign of blue and red lights, but even less stable versions of you. They might even kill one or two federal officers.
And then they would be gunned the fuck down.
Fuck, sure, the conservative terrorism protection racket has hidden abortion clinic bombers, Olympics terrorists, child kidnappers, and cop killers for awhile. But usually, when the government can be arsed to care, they take the fucker down, even with all that protection and the magic badge of whiteness in our society.
Try and take down the power of a city or the Eastern Seaboard or your “blackest night” fantasy? And you’d be surprised just how many federal officers will stand in line just to wrestle you to the ground and give you a good boot to the head.
You and your crew are allowed to be seditious little mass-murdering weasels because you’re smart enough to stick to targets that we as a society don’t give a fuck about. Medical clinics that cater to women, trans* people and sex workers, ex-and-current wives and girlfriends, pretty much anyone who gets in the way of a white man’s right to spray bullets indiscriminately.
Actually inconvenience people who buy the police and care about things like fiscal cliffs, Wall Street, and the mythical Market Forces?
You’ll learn what “being on the wrong side of the bootheel of power” means faster than you can say “Occupy Movement” or “Seattle WTO”.
How many days with partial power or no power, how many nights in the dark, would it take before the local economy collapsed in the targeted area?
Well, seeing as how we regularly have to deal with that pretty much every winter and summer simply because we haven’t upgraded the electrical grid since Roosevelt? I’d have to say, far less than it would take to hunt you down, cut you up and use your intestines as insulator sleeves for the new power lines.
Insurgents could cripple a city, region, or state, without ever firing a bullet at another human being.
Yeah, you totally are wicked cool anarchists who’ll “take down the system, man” before retiring to your man cave “bunkers” to share a brewski with the mates.
Oh please, this would be pathetic fantasy coming from some 19 year old wearing a Dead Kennedys tee, much less from a supposed grown-adult who we know would be weeping openly if even a bad signal interfered with his ability to watch the Big Game on his plasma screen television.
If there is one group of social maladjusts who would be least able to cope with a tragic societal collapse, it’s these (flip flip) going down on a trans-man while a trans-woman does you from behind with a strap-on people with reduced capacity for processing the consequences of their actions and are thus more likely to mistake deluded fantasy that wouldn’t even work there for really good ideas… uh oh, are we almost done? Cause I think I might officially be out.
Progressives seeking to undermine the Constitution seem to think they hold all the cards.
I will take my toys and go home. You might not believe me, but I will totally take my toys and go home if you try and ban me from bullying the other kids. Don’t try and stop me. Cause you can’t.
I would warn them that they are not remotely prepared for what will happen if they attempt to cross Constitutional boundaries and natural rights.
If we nasty queer folk insist on fucking and fighting for universal health care, you’ll pout so hard and warm up your ATV to go out in near-freezing weather to go down to each and every power station and blow every last one of them up before you are gunned down and left in an unmarked shallow grave?
It could be a cold, dark winter.
I’d feel more threatened if I was being savaged by a mouse.
I’m sorry, Bob, you (flip flip… uh) sexifying dummmmmypoopoohead? (I’m so sorry, I had nothing left!)
But you’ve somehow managed to take terrorism, violent threats, and conservative threats of insurrection and make them as pathetic and boring as every other fantasy wingnuts have been able to come up with lately.
If I wasn’t such a liberal and therefore wrong about everything, I might start to note that you and the other deluded gun-fetishists might be legitimately scared that we’ve finally crossed a threshold in this country and we’re officially tired of giving endless free passes to white terrorism and mass gun crime simply because of the fee-fees of people like you. That finally, we might be forced to do something real that legitimately inconveniences you in some way and no amount of media ownership or NRA bad idea spitfire is going to protect you.
And if so, Bob, all I can say is:
Good. Enjoy that feeling. Because it’s the closest you’ll ever get to actually living that pathetic boring fantasy of yours.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. Merriam-Webster, how could you have forsaken me?!? We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
** He follows this up with a giant picture of some dickweasels riding ATVs through a lightly wooded forest as if this testosterone fueled explosion of raw manly “real work” would cause Obama to resign and women to suddenly find his genitals attractive. I’m not sure if that is officially more pathetic than last post’s “Citadel” “plan” or not.