No, that won’t work at all, a dragon can decimate that village in 2-3 turns tops.
Too Damn Many Assholes, Too Damn Many Sites:
I’m not their biggest fan at the moment.
Like most of the non-gunpowder-snorting public, I’m starting to get little tired of the regular-like-clockwork human sacrifices of women and children we’re expected to make so a bunch of insecure suburban white men can regularly shoot an M16 from the hip like the totally not-gay and totally not-compensating action heroes they imagine themselves to be. I hate how broken our conversation about guns is, how we never seem to change things for the better or reduce the amount of guns in the hands of sociopaths, violent abusers, and depressed kids who really didn’t need a quick way out in their final state of mind.
And frankly, I’m just sort of done overall.
I feel about the gun-nut community in the wake of Sandy Hook about the same as I do about nuclear energy proponents after the fallout from Fukushima. And it has little to do with the events themselves. Yes, the events are horrible and necessitate changes in thought about gun control and nuclear energy, but those don’t elicit my hate to the degree in which I exhibited in my epic ragesplosion.
It’s the reaction by the communities. Both communities took a tragedy that might necessitate minor reforms to their central hobby and universally decided to undergo campaigns of misinformation and victim blaming. Becoming more concerned about getting the blood off their own hands so they can protect their hobby or jobs than in acknowledging the reality in front of them and lacking seemingly anyone to really stand up in the community and tell them to fuck off.
I mean, for fuck’s sake, even epic fail communities like the gamer community, the comic book nerd community, or the atheist community at least have internal strife when someone is an unconscionable dick. They have people splitting the community asunder, people rising in outrage, and people accepting real responsibility and apologizing for it every time. Not nearly enough of the people, but definitely some. And that’s because any community that lacks that, that consists only of dodging responsibility for fuck ups, becomes completely morally bankrupt.
It becomes evil.
But for all my unfair social disgust at the gun-nut community for how they’ve responded to Sandy Hook, I’m not even close to the most damning critic of them.
Nor are any of the people who have fought tooth and nail or spoken out passionately for gun control. Nor even are those various dusky hued shocktroopers that Mecha Obama hired to melt down all the wingnut guns in front of them before they proceed to have mutually fulfilling consensual sex with the wingnuts’ white women.
Because long after the rest of us resigned ourselves to nothing ever changing and going back to our gay orgies and abortion parties, the wingnuts have been busy still trying to justify their little murder stick hobby as an important and necessary thing.
And well… it’s honestly kind of amazing in a horrifying way, because they really never fail to serve as the strongest possible case for why we need to remove anything sharper than a spork from their surroundings at all times.
We’ve had Alex Jones ranting insane conspiracy theories and making people feel empathy for Piers Morgan of all people. And then following that up by siccing his listeners on an old man who sheltered some of the Sandy Hook kids because clearly he was a Free Mason in charge of the Illuminati that is dumping the fluoride in the water. We’ve had the NRA trying to argue that Obama and his family haven’t yet been assassinated (but not for lack of trying in winding up their base) by their nutjobs is proof that we should all have infinite guns forever. We’ve had no end of psycho legislatures deciding to run with the NRA’s insane plan to defeat school shootings, but littering the schools with guns either in the hands of underpaid janitors or teachers or else in the hands of “volunteers” i.e. George Zimmerman clones.
And that’s small potatoes compared to Joe Arpaio deciding to use that idea to send rape squads into schools whether they want them or not to harass the students for having the temerity to occasionally get shot by adults (and yes, the squad actually includes people who are violent abusers of children and women and at least one who has successfully been convicted for child molestation, because why not at this point).
And there’s the idea depicted above. Plans for a gun “citadel” for Real Murican Patriots to flee to for when the gated communities don’t quite feel paranoid enough and- I’m sorry, I just can’t pretend to take this one seriously. It’s a goddamn D&D map. It’s got fucking towers for fuck’s sake. Swap out the arms factory for a “dragon breeding pit” and I could probably slap this down in the middle of a campaign without anyone blinking an eye.
And while all that may look damning to those of us with… functional eyes, that’s not even close to the best of it.
Where it really gets self-incriminating is when the poor man-children try and justify their hobby collecting toy murder sticks as grown adults as if it was the most necessary and dire thing in teh universe.
Because as I stated before in my hate rant, people need guns about as much as people need stamp collections or a Fleshlight. So when they try and explain why the really need that shiny new Bushmaster with the extended clip, red chrome wheel rims, and handy masturbatory aid that all their friends got to play with in that… cough cough horrible tragedy of course, it starts turning into some of the best high fantasy to be produced outside the British Isles.
William A. Levinson, American Fantasy and Sci Fi:
Why Does Anybody Need a 30-Round Magainze?
Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):
- I’m going to need that 30-round magazine for when I’m fighting off spacemen and orcs atop my majestic pink unicorn on the surface of the moon and other fantasy scenarios yanked directly out of my wet dreams.
Our first submitter to Realms of Fantasy Magazine, tries to explain why it’s totally necessary that his Red Ryder BB gun replacement be able to spurt out streams of liquid death.
Why does anybody need a high capacity magazine? If Senator Manchin were to educate himself by, for example, attending Front Sight’s four-day defensive handgun class, he would learn the two primary answers:
(1) Failure to stop the aggressor, and
(2) Multiple aggressors
Of course. If only he attended a class in how to handle a deadly weapon that took less time than training on how to handle handing out badges at a comics convention, he would have known that you need all 30 rounds when you are… er… help?
The classic .38 caliber revolver, with a capacity of six rounds, was the standard sidearm of the United States Army during the Moro insurrection in the Philippines. The Army found at least one dead Army officer with an empty sidearm, and his head split open by a machete or similar weapon. They also found the soldier’s killer, who had finally bled to death. Six rounds of .38 were therefore not enough to convince even one determined attacker.
Of course! If ever you are illegally occupying a foreign country and one of the uppity locals decides he’s had enough of your stupid face, then you’ll need that minigun feeder strand in order to stop him when he starts busting out machete moves straight out of that The Raid: Redemption movie.
And let’s not forget that a crazed murderer hopped up on the marijuanas might turn into the Incredible Hulk and become impervious to bullets.
Ayoob does not report the size of the .22′s magazine, but the Moro insurrection exemplifies why even a 30-round rifle clip might not be enough to stop a crazed and determined attacker, such as one hopped up on a drug like PCP. “He had 32 Krag balls through him and was only stopped by the 33rd bullet — a Colt .45 slug through both ears.” The Krag-Jorgensen’s 30-caliber cartridge was far more powerful than the .22 in Ayoob’s example, but not sufficiently powerful to civilize this particular attacker even when fired in mass.
Wow! Fuck, firearms, you’re making a stronger argument for just handing a small Filipino man a machete and some PCP and letting him go full on ninja on the bad guys.
You know, if life really was like the action movie you so desperately want it to be.
The .45-caliber Automatic Colt Pistol was the Army’s specific solution to the “failure to stop” problem in the Philippines. A single hit from a .45 caliber bullet will (per Cooper) stop the aggressor 95 percent of the time. This does not mean, however, that 7 or 8 rounds are enough for all conceivable defensive scenarios. Front Sight teaches students to change magazines in (ideally) less than two seconds.
After all, it helps ensure maximum body count when you decide to go for a perfectly innocent spree shooting in a schooooh boy, I mean, for when I’m shooting up niggers. Yeah, that sounds better!
Gang Bangers and the Knockout Game
Front Sight’s 4-day defensive handgun class included scenarios with multiple aggressors, including four gang bangers on a street and five or more in a house (along with innocent bystanders). Front Sight’s standard doctrine is to fire a controlled pair into an aggressor’s thoracic cavity and, in the event of failure to stop, another into his cranio-ocular cavity to take out his central nervous system.
In the street gang situation, though, one shot is fired into each gang member due to the need to economize on both time and ammunition; only those that don’t go down (or flee) then get “seconds.”
Yeah, he goes there. But don’t call his delusional fantasies about wanting an excuse to shoot up a bunch of black kids for the irredeemable sin of being generic teenagers racist.
Then there is the knockout game, in which a street gang selects a victim at random, knocks him or her down, and then maybe beats him or her to a pulp. Here is an example that involved six individuals; only one struck a blow, but the others seemed to approve. Although the Web page and the book it promotes focuses on black racial violence, there is similar Caucasian-on-black crime, such as that perpetrated by the Ku Klux Klan.
See? Totally not racist.
In any event, if there are six (or more) bad guys, you are obviously going to need far more than six bullets.
I mean, what’re you more likely to encounter in your daily life? 30 clear and threatening bad guys kind enough to signal an attack from one easily defended vector allowing you to load up and cock your AK in a way that surely in no way resembles wannabe gangsta posers? Or your kid sneaking into your gun cabinet and offing himself with a stray round you left in the chamber when you last went to the Range to play Bad Ass white man against the evil black horde?
It’s like liberals are living in a fantasy world or something.
The anti-Second Amendment camp may argue that the teacher who was assaulted in this video would not have had time to defend himself with a firearm or anything else, because his attacker hit him by surprise. (While use of a firearm in response to a fist might normally be considered excessive force, multiple aggressors, even unarmed ones, create a disparity of force situation that might indeed justify a lethal response. The same applies if a single unarmed aggressor is much younger, bigger, and/or stronger than the victim, e.g. a teenage punk against a senior citizen or woman.) This is where the five conditions of mental awareness, as taught by Front Sight, come into play.
Okay, Tolkien, sell me on how this works out in your fantasy world.
We’ve got your magical unicorn scenario where the unarmed bady guy committing the lesser crime of assault finally gives you the green light to commit the murder you’ve always dreamed of, but oh noes, wasn’t nice enough to stand on the opposite side of the street and wave his knife until you could properly see him for the mismatched showdown. Whatcha gonna do?
States of Mental Awareness
The knockout game victim was in what Front Sight calls Condition White, which means he was not paying attention to his surroundings. Front Sight recommends living in Condition Yellow.
Condition Yellow? Is that pissing yourself fearing everything and your surroundings in the hope of literally inducing a psychotic break will somehow protect you from the infinitesimally small chance that you as a cisgendered white straight male will randomly suffer street harassment and assault?
This does not mean a state of paranoia but it includes, for example, not getting too close to alleys or other positions from which you can be ambushed. It also means looking around you when you are handling your car keys in a parking lot. Violent criminals often avoid people who are clearly alert; they, like all predators in the animal kingdom, don’t want to take a chance with anybody or anything that might hurt them.
I was… right. I dunno how depressed I should feel about that right now.
All right, enough from Senor White Ass Levinson. Sure, his arguments for wanting his death stick were not only stupid but also damned “gun training programs” as being terrorist breeding cells, but maybe the next guy is-
William L. Gansert, American Acid Trip:
Three in the Head
Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):
- I PERSONALLY SAVED NEW YORK WITH MY PENIS SUBSTITUTE!
… or not.
No, you know what? I refuse to believe that even the professional fantasists known as gun nuts would-
I carried a gun in New York City for more than a decade — back when there were thousands of murders a year and the Bronx led the nation in killings. On at least four occasions, that gun saved my life, and in a couple of instances, the lives of people who were with me at the time.
For 13 years I had a New York City full carry permit.
For a number of years I concealed and carried a gun in my son’s grammar school as well.
I don’t think the world would be a better place without me, and it is indisputable that my Beretta 92FC is responsible for my presence today.
I never shot or killed anyone, and except for the tens of thousands of rounds I put through my gun practicing, I never had to fire my weapon either, despite the fact — as I mentioned — it saved my life on several occasions.
I would load the gun with one in the chamber and have a spare magazine, sometimes 2, held in the holster (gun under left arm, mags under right). I would set the targets, usually depictions of criminals holding hostages, at different distances, changing the distances with each iteration.
…Okay… that might be a little bit completely batshit in a break out the white coats and hide the family pets sort of way, but maybe-
My regular means of carry was usually a horizontal shoulder holster. This type of holster provides the easiest access in time of need, because the gun rests parallel to the ground and when drawn, comes out in one motion, level and in theory, already on target.
Later on, I also used a fanny pack with a tear-away Velcro compartment. The gun rests next to your body, with a normal fanny pack as a disguise in front. Pull back the front of the pack to draw the weapon, also held parallel to the ground in its compartment, and you were again on target.
The pistol, even though it was a compact, weighed 4½ pounds, which was difficult to carry for a slim boy from the Bronx. On TV there is always a hero or a bad guy running after someone while carrying a weapon — forget about it. There is nothing more painful than running full speed with a 5 pound weight banging against your chest, sticking into your back or bouncing relentlessly against your genitalia.
And bonus points in totally disproving the myth that gun nuts like you treat your murder weapons like overcompensating surrogate penises
The Bronx in the 1980s was like Beirut — a dated reference, I know, but I am of a certain age. Thousands of murders a year, and the NYPD, the finest police force in the world, had been relegated by political considerations to being outgunned and undermanned. The only time you saw them was when they were either issuing you a ticket or drawing a chalk outline around your body.
No. New York isn’t Beirut. It never was Beirut. It will never be Beirut. You surviving it as a white bred idiot being babysat by a corrupt NYPD nightsticking all the foreign types is not some act of heroic survival. Even if the Apocalypse happens and you magically get transformed into a young Kurt Russell, NEW YORK STILL WON’T BE BEIRUT!
I was careful, obsessively so — I would hit the Citibank on Morris Park Avenue on Monday morning with tens of thousands of dollars in a paper bag. I would use a #1 bag, the one you see drunkards on the street corner drinking pints of beer using as cover. It is the smallest bag and it was easy to stuff one or more down my pants with my shirt pulled over. I would use a #10 bag as a decoy, filling it as if it had money in it and carrying it in my left hand, out in front of my body. Deception is a frightened man’s tactical ally.
Pulling up to the bank, I would stop a short distance away, with clear sight lines to my destination and scope out everything and everyone, making sure I missed nothing — especially the reactions of those who noticed me watching. I would then pull away and drive around the block, still watching as I drove.
Once having gone around the block, I would stop the car in front of an available parking spot — never, however, directly in front. Getting out of the car, I always did a 360 degree turn to see what was there and what had changed since my first pass. All things being safe, I would park and then do another 360 degree turn when exiting the vehicle, looking at everything, labeling all I saw, threats, mushrooms (see Pac-Man) or morons.
Once I ascertained there was no setup, I would take the straightest line to the bank, right hand on my gun in its holster, finger on the trigger. In my left hand, I held my decoy bag. If anyone got in my way I stared them down until they moved.
It was terrifying — and I did it every day for years.
I’m framing this on a wall somewhere.
No snark could possibly top this. No amount of explaining the gap between gun nut’s heroic illusion of themselves and the bed-wetting reality could better encapsulate the point.
This little turd-bucket pretending to action roll his way down the street least the bored hordes of a civilized first world nation stole his milk money because he thinks it makes him sound like he’s John McClane?
That’s the best joke I never wrote.
Nothing better sums up all that is wrong about gun nut culture. Nothing could better demonstrate why these delusional crackpots treating deadly weapons like a 7-year-old treats a Nerf gun is something that cannot continue indefinitely. Nothing will ever better sum up why it’s time the grown-ups put away some of the sharper toys.
Yet… I managed to not kill anyone in the process.
THANK BOB! If your masturbatory fantasy wasn’t the saddest bit of Gary Stu action hero fan-fiction on the planet and had any basis in reality, it is a bonafide miracle that you didn’t manage to accidentally shoot someone in the face.
It’s not the zombie apocalypse and you’re not four plucky survivors from different walks of life trying to survive in a world gone mad. In our world, your pudgy white suburban ass is the safest mother fucker around until the day the revolution comes (well, minus the likelihood that you kill yourself or your family with your own firearms). There aren’t hordes of swarthy black people carrying only martial weapons kindly signally their attack from clean lines of sight. Hell, the likelihood that you’ll even be rudely rebuked, much less savagely attacked is pretty much nil.
In our society, unarmed black kids are way more likely to be gunned down by police or wanna be police than you are to be sneezed on by a waiter. Transgendered folks are murdered at a rate of one per month in this country alone, sometimes brutally dismembered and mutilated*. Women are routinely killed by abusive partners deciding that their guns will stop that bitch from leaving once and for all. And we all are more likely to be gunned down by you when you decide to go commit some terrorism at a public place than you are to even have the most mildest of reforms be passed against your dangerous, poorly regulated, and extremely toxic HOBBY.
And not one damn firearm is going to change all that.
So why don’t you pick up a copy of Left 4 Dead for your fantasy fulfillment while the rest of us try and move on with our damn lives, eh?
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. Someday I’m going to go back in time and burn every bad 80s action movie, denying us of all important camp, but also saving us from an endless horde of paranoid shut-ins thinking Escape from New York was a goddamn documentary. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
*And yet, over half of those murdered on the 2012 list were killed by firearms. Often being shot multiple times, so I guess, included in the list of superhuman perps requiring multiple gunshots to stop them are trans* people just trying to live their lives. Truly, I am the real monster to doubt the necessity of the 30-round magazine now**!
** Hey, did you feel that the links so far weren’t depressing enough? Here you go. And that’s one of the milder ones, there was a goddamn epidemic last year of ones from Sao Paolo involving dismemberment, stoning, and fire. Firearms would have saved none of them. Less bigotry, religion, and toxic machismo would have saved all of them.